new post
i will call this new post

well, i got a new car, 2011 nissan versa, love it

and my new creative thing is i am taking a class for soapstone carving.
i am not sure about it
i tried to take this class last year and there were not enough people so they sent my money back....
now this time around, i saw it offered again and i said to myself, screw them it was cancelled last time and i was looking forward to it. so i threw the book away. then a week or so ago i got a call from the adult ed dept asking me if i would take the class because they almost had enough people to have the class this time. so i reluctantly agreed.

now i am taking it and i am not sure what will come of it.
they have us working on a block of plaster to get used to the tools
i started out not knowing what to carve
then i thought i would do a bird, but i could not really 'see' the bird in the 4 x 4 block of plaster... i still cant
and then i started chipping away at it and realized
a) how hard it is to control the tools
b) how tiring it is to do this
c) and how pointy a bird it (beak and tail) so i decided to not make a bird
i will post it when i have something worth posting....

even though i still cant see the animail in the block but i decided on a very simple bear. and so i was chipping away at it tonight until my arm was too tired.

ok so my car has to have MORE work done to it AGAIN
i have decided that it is costing too much money lately, i have put well over 7k into it in the last (under) two years... not to mention all i put into it previous to me remembering how much i have spent recently on it.

so now i am confused as to what to do next.
i dont really want to buy a used car because my dad always said you are buying someone elses problems
and a new car costs so much money
AND i love my little cruck, i dont want to get rid of it

so i am looking at all the car makers lowest priced models, whether they seat 5 or not. now i am debating trying to learn to drive a standard so i can save some money, but i just dont think i can do it. i have no faith in myself.
but i would save probably 1k at least getting a standard
i will give it a try but i hate learning new things and i just dont think i will be good at it. i tried once before a really long time ago.

also looking at the prices, i am not sure if i can afford anything at all.
it is depressing really

burts dad is here to help us get things done around the house this weekend, so far they have put up our cool house numbers that we bought in p-town in april, shimmed up the kitchen counter, secured the microwave, put in a cat door, and now they are working on hanging a basement door.
this is great, we should have him up 4 times a year just to get shit done!!

burt means well but he is easily diverted by many things. i love him, but it is true.

the weather has turned and it is no longer crazy hot these days
i love this weather.

i am trying to organize my stuff in the office, not making much headway, i would love to clear the space so if i wanted to work on jewelry, or painting, or mobiles or anything, i will be able to do it without wondering ....hmmm where will i set this up?

the rest of the day consists of dinner with burts dad and josh and greg and then maybe a fire in the fire pit.
tomorrow not much going on until band practice at 4 tomorrow afternoon.
i like weekends like these with out a huge adgenda.

lets see..... what have i been up to
work. work. work. work. piles. piles. work. work.
but.... the weekend is on the way thank god!
i am so ready to not do this office work stuff anymore, but unfortunately i have to keep it up for another 7 years.... ugh!
but then.... watch out! i am outahere, well, just outathere... i hope... but not holding my breath.

team paragon (josh's robotics team) is back in full swing and i have joined the admin side since burt is a programming mentor, i figured what the hell, everyone else is there, i may as well go too. so there are some requirements that i need to get done with that...

and school started today so i am geared up for that stuff too... hoping for a good year with less effort on my part this time around

josh had his cardiologist appointment yesterday and everything looks normal, thank god.

allison is back up at uconn starting today, greg's school starts next week

i feel like i have a handle on most things but still not sleeping well and not happy about that at all.

listening to the neybas right now and it makes me happy. i hope that they play again soon, but i dont think they will.

my head spins thinking of what i need to do tomorrow.... i hope i sleep.

it is amazing how just writing how i feel about something really 'gets it off my chest' and i feel that i have dealt with it, at least for now.
i go thru spurts of wanting to write.
sometimes it is poetry and sometimes (most times) it is just ranting about what i am feeling and what i am going thru.

school starts in two days, and i am aprehensive knowing what we went thru last year.
i hope that he is more mature and takes things more seriously
but i have to be prepared for him not to be.
and that sucks for me

we go school shopping for binders etc tonight. next week all the meetings start up again and then life is as hectic as it always was.

have to mindfully keep making the best of the weekends so that they feel like time off.

going to the cape this weekend
i cant wait to see it, smell it, be in it!
it sounds crazy but it is really like home away from home for me.
there is something about the way the sun hits the trees and the water, the way the breeze smells, there is no place on earth like it... or at least no place i have ever been before.

it is not so much the fact that it is near the ocean, the narrow land that we stand on between the sea and the bay... there are lots of place that are like that.
it is the fact that i 'know' it there. i am comfortable there and things are soothing to me there.

we will stay with sally in eastham and i look forward to seeing her.
we will most certainly get my oyster stew at the bookstore restaurant in wellfleet
and we will stop in galleries and look at the beautiful art that we cannot afford and be calm while we walk thru the rooms gazing at beautiful things and paintings.

i look forward to being alone with burt and not being at the house. we have had lots of time alone this summer while josh was away, but we always had things to do.... bills to pay, yard work to do, etc etc etc
this will be nice to just have nothing special to do for two days.

so i have been thinking these days about the way my life has turned.... for the better.
i think if how i was when i was married, always walking on egg shells and wondering what would happen next in my life. always hoping for a calm normal day or night and never having one.... ever
i think of how it was when i dated zeke and how much i wanted us to be together, really together and he was never able to give that to me. how i really tried to make it work no matter what and it was never 'right', it was never what i was looking for.
i think of how i felt with pete, how he promised me the world and i believed him. how i gave him everything i had for those few months and when he dumped me i felt crushed like i would never love again. like i would never have the will to do anything ever again. how every damn thing i did reminded me of him.
i remember going to the cape and feeling that this was the only place where i could be that did not remind me of him.
i also remember how i felt when i came back from the cape and decided to go onto match.com
and how each man i dated i felt a connection with and how i really wanted to make this one 'work' but they never did.
how eyeore always had so many issues that he didnt have time for me and he just faded away. how the professor never had time for me either. and how jim could not let me into his life fully. always kept at arms length made me feel inadequite. they all made me feel like i was not enough of a woman for them, like i could not play a part in their lives. i was not worthy.
and when i met burt, how i felt like i could be myself and i could feel wanted and loved and like i was enough for him and i was worthy of being in a relationship.
everything melted into something good.
now, months and months later i have been contacted by all of them.
eyeore contacted me via email/IM telling me he messed up and i was his needle in a haystack and he didnt even know it.
the professor contacted me via text message asking if i wanted to get together and he missed me..... MISSED ME... HAHAHAHAHA he barely ever saw me or talked to me on the phone and he didnt even know me.... how can you miss me.
and jim contacted me once via email saying he was looking for a freind to talk to, but i was not online at the time so i missed it.
and pete.... every time pete is in the waterbury branch, he asks about me, quite often.
i think it is so funny and odd that these people didnt want to be with me but they regret their actions after the fact.
i also think it is funny how the means of contact these days especially if you are embarassed to contact someone is via technology rather than a regular phone call.
and i think it is wonderful that i am able to be with a man who loves me for me
who wants to be with me
enjoys me
and i can be myself with him.

i have thought alot about this stuff lately, and wonder how they all are. being the good person that i am, i hope that they are ok and they are happy and find what ever it is that they are looking for....even pete, the one who crushed me more than anything ever has in my life.

i strive for some sort of peace in my heart and i think i have it pretty good right now.