oh well

and then there were 3
well it appears, being nancy drew i can figure this shit out on my own, that harley guy did in fact go online last night at some point because the computer did not switch from active in 24 hours to active in the last 3 days (it does this when you have not signed on for 25 hours or so).... so that means that he saw my email and decided not to reply. which i kinda thought he would reply either way .... but i guess not.
unless he saw it at 11:30 last night and decided he would call me today or reply today or check his schedule today... but most likely .... it is the case that he did see the email and is choosing not to reply.
again, i have no idea why someone would chat me up for so long and not like me.
and again, what was wrong with me that he didnt like me. i barely spoke, didnt have much time too while he was talking.... and i thought i looked pretty enough for a date.....
whatever.

i am just depressed again because i have the professor who is 1/7 of a boyfriend (i am basing it on the amount of days a week i get to see/talk to him)
i have the blues guy who i will get along with but probably wont be physically attracted to and he lives too freaking far away
and harp who i cant even get to call me or email more than 7 words... but he still wants to keep in touch.
the two i contacted on yahoo ignored me too.
men suck
relationships suck
i am sick of all this trying, it should be easier.
it sucks cause i really liked harley guy and was attracted to him as well... but apparently something about me wasnt right for him.
again, maybe there is the slight chance that he might be planning on getting back to me later... but if tomorrow comes and goes, the answer is for sure.

i used perfumed body wash and matching perfume today, i found the body wash when i actually did some cleaning last night of my medicine drawers. so i did get something done.
patrick and daniel called me out for beer last night at chilis.... in simsbury!! i went anyway cause i was looking to get out and see them... but it was a haul for less than an hour's visit ... and i still did not get to bed before midnight because i was checking to see if harley guy had answered or been online.....
if i was stupid and only had email to check.... it would be so much easier, but i am not stupid and i do check all the other avenues to get my answers.

josh called, he is doing well and having fun, wants me to bring his bass and amp and i told him i might be able to do it on sunday morning... he is checking to see the times that parents can come visit.

i am too busy for all this men crap.... but i was hoping by the time josh went away this summer that i might have a new fling that wanted to see me alot. i just have a partial fling who wants to see me when he has time.... which is rarely.

time to go let the dog out and finish my makeup.....

ok how many times can i write today

it's not that i even have that much to say really, i just dont want to clean my house... i need to clean but i dont feel like it.
i am coloring my hair presently... thank god, the roots were very scary.
i just finished watching '10things i hate about you' which was a cute movie... you know me, stuck in the 90's cause i take my movies out of the library for free :)
i have a jewelry party saturday and i am not even prepared!!!
have to order more beads so that i can have a party at laureens in a few weeks too... i miss those, it is fun to get together with the girls.
debating watching 'juno' AGAIN! i love that movie.... thanks again gloria!

kinda hoping i will get a call or email tonight but i have a feeling i wont... it is far too late for the professor and much too early in the week
harley guy will read my email around 10:30 pm and we shall see if he replies or not..... 50/50 chance either way really
i just want to date.... that is all i really ever wanted was to date... and maybe make a connection....

now honestly can the professor really think that i am ok with not hearing from him all week long? well actually i am ok with it but if he were the only person i was seeing, i would certainly not be ok with it.
that is just crazy talk.

i hope that harley guy answers either way.... i dont really care yes or no (we actually i do hope for a yes but i would not be surprised by a no) but i want to know either way.... not be left hanging again.
my email specifically asks for an answer so i hope i get one.

i look around and there is so much that needs to be done
paperwork to go thru
beads to get ready
my medicine cabinet/drawers need to be weeded out
sheets need to be changed... which leads to laundry that needs to be done
vacuuming
clean bathrooms
the only room that is not a disaster is the kitchen.
and we wont even talk about josh's room.... land mines could be in there for all i know.

so i guess i wont kill any more time... i guess i will go do SOMETHING productive :)

choices, i think not

today was crazy busy at work, trying to get things done cause i know i will be out of the office for part of friday.
interviewing sucks
at least i have a choice this time though.

trying to hang on to the last few strands of connections i have made in these 3 months of online dating.
naturally i have not heard a peep from the professor but i did not expect to... probably hear from him thurs or friday
the blues guy wants to meet me for a drink sunday evening.
that will be cool, he is super funny and we have same interests... i am sure we will get along but i am not sure about the chemistry
the harley guy, now i am definitely attracted to him, have not heard from him at all. sent an email inviting him to the gig thursday evening... this will tell all.... if he says no or ignores my email again... i will take it as a write off, but he could still feasibly say yes... i get a shy vibe from him. so if he does, that would be GREAT but i am not holding my breath
and harp is still emailing but he is a man of few words.
they all have my number now so we will see what happens from here.

i am feeling less desperate today.... but none of this is a yellow brick road to happiness... it is all still just dabbling in the waters, checking out the situations....
maybe in a week it will be pared down even more.

looking forward to meeting blues guy and harp, hoping that harley guy takes my offer of a date.... and then there is the professor..... hmmm

busy busy busy

so once again my week has turned hectic without me even paying attention, i remembered that i have a jewelry party this saturday night... which i have to get prepared for.
i have a hair apt sat am.... josh wants me to bring his bass and amp to r.i. this weekend which might be tough.
i have to be out of the office friday for court in mass and i have to get moving on the bank statement plus continue to interview for dianes position and keep up on my daily work as well.
AND it is already tuesday!

my house is a mess and i need to clean
my love life is a mess and i need to clean that too :)

well, my plan is to stay home tonight to work on my house and maybe get to bed early... dont know if it will happen but i will try.
i sent out two contact emails last night on yahoo but no replies... i think i need to give this shit up.
just not getting a reply is frustrating enough.

i am not sad anymore, or at least today.... just stressed and confused by it all.
there really should be no need to look for someone, yes you might need to put yourself out there but you should not have to try so hard.
it should not be so hard to fall in love.
i think the ones i am choosing dont really want love they want dates or friends or just sex but i am not sure if i have run across one that really wants love.
and i have yet to speak to the professor but i am not sure that will happen this week or not... i have to be up to that conversation.... and right now i can tell you that i am not.

i am not up for much... except maybe another hour of sleep :)

zip

so i got nuthin'
i have the professor who i love to talk with but i need more from him, and i dont know that he can give me more (and everyone basically is telling me to show him the door)
i have harley guy who i thought liked me but has not contacted me in 3 days +
i have the blues guy who has not contacted me in probably 5 days
i have harp who says he wants to keep in contact but is busy at work

so basically i have nuthin'

i guess i have to stop looking
maybe when i stop looking
it will find me

3 weeks

i dropped josh off yesterday for 3 weeks at roger williams college... he is going to have a blast.
as a mom i just pray he remembers to take a shower.
i am texting him now, he wants me to mail him his bass and amp... i told him it would be cheaper to drive it to him next weekend.
i hope he says not to bother :)
oh well... he just texted and asked me to bring it... i said we will talk about it later when he calls me.

a guy i emailed randomly two weeks ago on match emailed me yesterday to say he was busy at work and wanted to keep in touch... that made me feel good.
and i decided that today or tomorrow i am going to call harley guy and tell him i had a nice time and would love to get together with him again so we can continue to get to know each other.
in this day and age it is completely normal for the woman to call the man... so even though he did not reply to my email (it really did not require a reply) if i call i will get a better idea if he really does want to see me again or not.
i still dont understand why if he did not like me, would he talk to me for that long. if he did not like me it would have been easier to just cut the date short, but he didnt.
hence... me deciding to call him anyway.

why not
what have i got to loose
nothing at this point.
i have about a week left on match and yahoo and will be glad to see them go for a while.
breaking the connection with these sites will be good.... i still to this day hate that you can go online to check to see if there is anyone better....

and i still dont see what the hell is wrong with me that men dont want to see me again. what is abrasive about me, what is unattractive about me, i will work on it if i only knew what it was!!

update

update
so the professor called at around 1:30 which was about 3 hours after the 4 minutes it was going to take to finish the golf game he was playing.... invited me to the shore for dinner

dinner you say?
yes, dinner!

so i immediately called jean to get her approval cause if she was going to be mad at me, i knew it would be a bad idea.
she told me i have to do what makes me happy
i felt that i had to do it so that i could make a decision one way or the other if this is the guy for me
i told patrick and he was upset with me, as i figured he would be.

but anyway, i went and he met me at the same coffee shop and we drove to galilee and parked and went to a restaurant with a 45 minute wait and while we waited we went to the beach and sat in the lifeguard chair and talked. then we went to dinner, while we were seated, i said 'so.... what happened when i was in cvs the other day buying medicine for my kid and you said you would call back in 5 minutes and you called back.... twenty... nine .... hours.... later when i was in bed?' he said i know i am sorry , but at least i did call. and then i pointed out the 3 hour lag today... he told me that he got busy and forgot to call me back, i told him that was not good at all.
then i mentioned the emails and he said he does not have time for emails at all.
it was all said jokingly, but i was serious and i am glad i pointed out those major flaws.
while we were waiting for our food he said he wanted to take me here because he knew that i liked to be near the shore. we had a nice meal. i had two glasses of wine. we stopped for coffee and went back to his house for about an hour and then i hit the road.
it was a nice visit. he felt bad having me come all that way when i was going to have to come back the next day. he knew it but had forgotten that i said josh was going to college in RI. when i said i have to drive him to bristol, he thought i meant CT

so anyway, what i got out of all of this was ......
it confirmed my thoughts that i probably wont be with him long
i dont think he can ever give me the attention i require .... and crave
he is great to talk to and we had a nice date.... but .....

now i am not hanging my hat on anything else at all.... i mean harley guy did not reply to my email and that might mean that he is not interested at all in me..... and the blues guy has not written back either.
so i will just go thru my day to day crap, do my work, keep my house from being too messy, enjoy my friends and let things just happen. i no longer feel that mad rush to find someone. yes it is true, maybe i will be alone, either for now or in my future.... but if that is the way it is supposed to be then that is life. i cant control it and i cant make someone love me
i cant take it personally either.... if these men are not attracted to me, mentally physically or emotionally, if they dont feel that they want to be with someone like me, that is their choice and it is no reflection on me.
i am a great friend, a good person, i can be pretty and i have alot to offer... and i just have to wait for the right man to come along to accept what i have to offer.

i was hoping that with this whole match thing, that i would have several men and that i would have to make a choice.... that never happened
the choices were made for me.

ok now what

so i am sitting here thinking about my situation

i dont doubt for a second that the professor is attracted to me, i just think it wont work, and i guess i have not told him that yet because i hate to give up on things.

i really liked harely guy but i have NO idea if he liked me or not. the fact that he said we should go on another ride again sometime (or someday cant remember exactly what word he used) rather than saying...what are you doing tomorrow or sunday... leads me to think maybe he is just not that into me.
sure it could be that he is not available those days and that is why he said that.... but still.
i do think if he was not slightly interested he would have just brought me back to my car alot quicker and not talked as much as he did.
that is why i sent the email, i figure if he is interested i will get some sort of reply back even if he does not call right away.

i dont know about all of this.
i am perfectly fine with out anyone... i have my friends to make up for the lack of being taken out on dates. they always let me tag along or invite me out.
and i have josh and i have housework and i have movies i like to watch....

i just miss that damn love part.

that is the thing that sucks the most. i guess everyone cant have it all the time. i guess we cant always get what we want. i guess you have to kiss a thousand toads before you meet your frog prince. i guess i am supposed to be alone right now in my life.
i am not really alone
i just dont have that freaking special someone that everyone on match is looking for but no one seems to think that special someone is ME.

so jean said that i did not seem overly excited about harely guy
I AM
i could really enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him.
i cant read him and i have no idea if he liked me or not. so i am holding myself back because he did not plan another date, he did not say 'when can i see you again', there was none of that.... but i cant take it personally because maybe that is his nature to move slowly and he might be kinda shy too.

so again ...i wait.
i wait for the professor who apparently cant tell time and for harley guy to see if he likes me and the blues guy to read his email and reply and get back from his business trip and that is
ALL I GOT.
with my profile down and the subscription ending... i am kind of at a roadblock. if these 3 fall thru which i fear they all will, then i am back at square one... 3 months older and wiser to the world of online dating.
still alone in life
still without love, or someone loving me
which is what i crave
yes, crave.

another first date

well i had a first date with harely guy last night
we were supposed to go for a drink but i asked if we could go for a ride instead and he said sure.
he has a beautiful bike and it is so comfortable to ride. we were together for just under two hours. he seems really nice, he is tall and handsome, very intelligent, kind of soft spoken although it started out with me asking about him and why he lived in enfield and he proceeded to tell me where he grew up (he knew my god father when he was in school) to his school and college career and then his work career. it was a short date. he did not ask me one question other than what gear i brought to wear on the bike and if i was comfortable on the bike during the ride.
he seemed at ease enough to tell me all the stuff that he did.
i got a good feeling from him but this was the first first date i ever went on when the guy did not ask for a kiss. he gave me a great hug, actually two cause i asked for another one before he left. i asked how he liked our first date and he said he liked it and and we should go on another ride again someday, i said call me and he said yes mame (he was in the service and he is older than me so i did not get upset with him mame-ing me :)

and that was it
he rode away

i went and met patrick for a beer and bacon (thanks again patrick :)
and when we were leaving the professor called.... hmmmm lets see, i am not that good at public math but he called me back..... 29 hours later when he said he would call back in 5 minutes.
still no email replying to mine and no word on his voicemail (cause i did not answer it) about not calling me back. he said he was calling to see how my son was.

debating at this point calling him back or not. i know that patrick would say call him back and say this is not working out for me.
jean and laurel would probably say not to call back and if he calls again he is not allowed over anymore, only allowed to take me out.
since i am not sure what i will say right now i wont call back right now. because he will either answer or i will have to leave a vm.
i will probably call later and if he asks if i have plans tonight i will tell him yes. and just go from there. leave it back in his court again.
i really do like him as a man but i really dont think he will ever have enough time for me as a boyfriend.

but i may never find that with any one.
patrick always tell me that when i find the right person, the right match, the guy will want to call me all the time and make plans with me and be with me. i just have not found the right person yet.

i sent a breezy little email last night to harely guy saying thank you for the ride, the bike is beautiful (which it is) and comfortable. and that i enjoyed getting to know him too, i ended with talk to you soon, amy

breezy enough i think
i wanted to say thank you again, because that is how i roll.

so today my sick kid has his lesson and then he told colin he would help with his eagle project and then he has to finish packing and if he is feeling well enough he can go to grammy's tonight to watch robin hood.
i have no responsibilities today except getting him where he needs to go.

rethinking again

so i had to pick josh up from camp early yesterday, he had a 104 fever and body aches. we went directly from bozrah to bloomfield to his docs, found out it is a virus and could last 3-5 days. he has to leave again in 3 days for college.... i pray that he will be well enough to leave and stay at college for those 3 weeks. this is such a privilege and costly as well, i would hate to have him rejected on the first day or sent home after a few. please send your positive thoughts our way so that he gets better quickly so that he can enjoy this opportunity.

as for me.... the professor called last night when i was in cvs getting medicine for my sick kid and i was telling him about josh when he said 'you know what, can i call you right back in like 5 minutes' i said sure. he never called back. this is the sort of thing i am talking about. if he was my 'boyfriend' i would be pissed. he does not have enough time for me.
he was probably going to ask if he could stop over last night and since josh was home sick decided not to. probably not calling me for a date... why would he??

harley guy called me, we talked for a half hour. sounds very nice, sounds genuine, sounds like he is interested in meeting me. we are meeting for a drink tonight in enfield around 8.
after work i am going with laurel again to hartford to see another apartment, so i hope i am home in time :) i am sure i will be.

i am excited for this.... i always like meeting them for the first time.

another hot one....

i hope i continue getting alot done at work, yesterday i made it thru the current pile on my desk
it was hard to accomplish but i did it
today i hope to do more paperwork and make some collection calls before i start on the bank statement.
i am feeling less disparaged today.
harley guy got back to me and told me he would call me today and we would plan something... it remains to be seen and i hope it happens but i am not holding my breath.
no word from the professor but i did not expect any either.
and that is it
jean will be back in town tonight and so will josh.... if i have no plans for tomorrow i will go to the bidwell with jean
i am sure josh will want to spend saturday night with grammy because that is his last one for a few weeks, they like to watch robin hood together.
well i am off to do my hair and make up for the day
i hope i get LOTS done again and i hope i dont wallow in the fact that i have no one who loves me.
i think that is why i felt that i missed zeke so much, i guarantee you he would take me back in a second.... but we were not a good couple, not by my standards anyway. we will be better friends i am sure.

love life... ha! what's that?

i am feeling weird
i am disgusted with my love life
disgusted i tell you

honestly i dont care right now if i have anyone or not... because i dont have anyone and that is the truth of it.

and what i really want in a man.... does not exist.
i always hope it does. i mean if someone really liked me enough, or even loved me by chance, then maybe they would give me the attention i desire so much.
that is what it comes down to ....desire, a craving of sorts

i have a man who has no time for me and when he does, he does not spend it dating me and it is pissing me off
i have two men who started talking to me in emails but i have lost track of them, probably because they are busy working... but still... leaves me hanging..... and leaves me feeling like no one wants to talk to me
i went to go see zeke tonight, he wanted necklaces, so i made them for him
i miss him. i never thought i would say that but i do. i wish i was with someone now so that i would not feel like i miss him so much. it makes me sad. we hugged and i miss that.

maybe i am just meant to be alone. sometimes i think that way. i am alone now and i am fine. i have great friends if i need company. i am busy as hell so it is not like i dont have anything to do.

these memberships are over on 7-29 and i will be glad to see them go for a while... but i truly hope i make a few real connections that last over into the real world.
if i dont and if it does not work out with the professor i might try online dating again, now that i know what it is all about.... but i am kind of tired and sad and dejected right now.
the rejection and the uncertainty is really more than i can handle.... i need some down time with no emails to check and no websites to surf
i need to just either find someone or give up i think. at least for now.
not one word from the professor since he left on monday night, he told me he would be busy... and he was right. if i was only seeing him (which i really am, just fooling myself) i would be pretty pissed.
here is my prediction...
he will call me friday and see if i have time... which i may just say no
and then tell me he is going away for the weekend
jean just called and invited me to the bidwell to see gene's band on friday so i think i will go, that will settle that. if the professor calls i will see if he wants to come too but i am sure he will say no. actually i will invite who ever calls me first :)
that is funny, i crack myself up.... no one is going to call! ha!
:(

discouraged?

well i dont really think i am discouraged... i think i am sick of all of this
patrick asked me last night if i will renew with match or yahoo
definitely not yahoo, it did not yield anything that lasted
well, eeyore
could have been good under different circumstances
and if i do go back to match it wont be right away

the way i look at it right now, i have 3 contacts
bongo was on yesterday and never replied to anything i had written
sometimes when people meet someone they dont know how to deal with the others that they have 'open' on match so they just ignore, not too nice
i would rather have a short email telling me they found someone else
actually i have weeded it out down to the blues guy who is on vacation, the harley guy who did not write back to me yesterday at all, but he might have been busy :) and the professor.
all other contacts i had have given me the impression they are no longer interested because they have been on match since i wrote and decided not to write back.
i contacted 3 more yesterday and one immediately said that he had met someone and wanted to see how it pans out... the other two, nothing yet.

i have looked and looked and unless new people sign up for match in the next couple days, i think i have done what i can with match for right now.
so the blues guy sounds like alot of fun but i dont think i will be attracted to him
the professor is intellectually wonderful but not available enough for me... i fear that is what it will come down to
the harley guy i think is shy and getting him to make that first contact will be tough
i got him to email but.... if he was online yesterday and decided not to contact me, i will weed him out of the group too, and that would be sad cause i was looking forward to meeting him.
so....
back to the drawing board with less options.
i will definitely take a break from online dating when this expires... if i am left with no one at that time.... then so be it.
i have no one in my circle of friends i would even think about dating.... all too young, or taken.... and patrick would have to be in a parallel universe.... way too good friends to ever date.... but i am glad we can be there for each other every day anyway :)

missing josh, he will be home tomorrow night for two days then off for 3 weeks.
taking care of the dog is getting to be a drag
having no one around the house is getting to be a drag too.

off to take my shower and get ready for the day
i dont hate my job
i hate that i have to go to work .... not really, just wish i could get the same pay for half the hours :)

update

so because the professor still does not have alot of time for me, i feel that i have time to explore my other options.
so far 2 of the 4 i sent my real email to have gotten back to me
this is a good ratio and i have a good feeling that the other two will as well when they get back online. these were just the midnight computer people apparently.
that is ok, so am i
i am feeling really good about where i am right now
i know that the connections with the professor are huge but the time he is able to give me and the amount he is willing to let me into his life is very telling... maybe it takes time for that to happen or maybe he is always like this.
i still dont know if he is just looking for someone to date and be intimate with or if he is looking for his future, like i am
so i know that if a few more weeks goes by like this with not alot of contact i could see myself getting sick of it.... but we shall see.
i mentioned again last night about the real email address and he could have just told it to me right then but chose not to. that bugs me.
he knows that my match is expiring but not when exactly.... in my head i am giving it time.... like a little test... lets see if he passes or not.
so the p.t. from enfield got back to me in like 3 seconds, and the blues fan that is travelling got back to me over night.... then we have bongo and fanofthe9ers, again both from enfield left to reply. bongo has not been on since before the weekend, not sure what is up, he is the one who was supposed to meet me on saturday night at the concert but never called. and 9ers is on his computer all day cause he works 3rd shift so he will see it soon i think he gets home at 8am.
the blues fan is for naugatuck... that one probably wont work out.

anyway.... that is my situation today..... kinda glad the subscription is expiring, when i cant see that people were on 'looking for someone better' it will take a huge part out of the picture for me. might make it worse... who knows.

thought process

good day
busy day
missing josh
spent time with the professor
sent email to all contacts on match
that my subscription is expiring
gave real email address... see what happens
very nice with the professor but i still feel it is
moving very slowly
which is fine
was re-reading some old mails to dumbass patrick
and eeyore today
hmmm how very odd it all has been so far
sometimes i think of the professor and think
i could really hang out with this guy for a long time
it is a nice fit
then i wonder if he possibly feels the same way about me
sometimes i wonder if that is what he is looking for
or if it is just someone to date rather than spend part of
your life with
i think that is why i am keeping options open
and i keep active with my friends
like i said before
i am perfectly fine living alone (with josh)
and dating
i am fine dating the professor
i am fine dating anyone
i dont think i will really feel that i can be
exclusive with the professor until he can express that to me as well
i am pretty sure i am the only one he is seeing but i cant be sure
no one can
and he is the only one i am seeing as well
but i dont feel that commitment type of feeling yet
we have to experience so much more together i think
in order to feel those things
and i am fine taking my time
i think the longer it takes
the more sure i will become of how i feel
and who i want to be with

off to work....again

looking forward to 5:00 already.... ugh
got a new phone last night, still trying to figure it all out
hope to see the professor tonight, he will call later today
kind of had a weird tone in his voice... makes me wonder if he wants to meet me to dump me..... i would not think so but who knows these days what anyone is thinking.
i could use another 2 hours of sleep... maybe next weekend.....
i am not really in the mood to write right now.... i am sure i will do more later.... that's how i roll....

end of day

well i bought a new phone today. i am getting used to it. it will combine phone and palm and i am looking forward to having only one device to drag around with me, thank you patrick for your extensive questions and all that sort of stuff... i would have never done it without you!!

joe never called and has not been on match
donald never called and has not been on match

maybe this is a sign.... i think it is.

i called bill and he could not talk, said he would have to call me back... but that was two hours ago.

maybe that is a sign..... hmmm

well anyway, i am ok either way.
i really do want to continue with bill and see if things get better
or worse
i am hoping for better

like right now i really have no worries that he is with another woman,i think he was at a dinner or something and is either still there or worse forgot that i called.
i like this ball in his court thing.... it is very telling

i am now keeping score.... one email out to him with no reply, and one phone call out with no return call.

makes me wonder if this is a good fit. or if he will make the time to get back to me....it is only 9, he might still.... but if not, i certainly have explored my options.

well the kitchen is a mess and i have to clean it up because i have relied on the elves to come in the night before, but they fail to show up, bastards!

sunday sunday racing sunday

wow i was so freaking tired last night, i passed out almost immediately
i need to go to bed earlier :)


went to the concert last night in enfield
joe was supposed to call to meet but never did
gary was going to the show
ray has my number and has not called yet
and donald never replied to my last email

now the fact that i took my profile down again should not have anything to do with it because i had my profile down most of the last few weeks and the professor and i have been emailing just fine.... but if he chose to look at my profile it would not be there, but it did not matter to him because he knew why i took it down

but these guys might look for the profile and see that it is down and rather than question me about it, they just decide,.... assume.... that i am not interested.
well, if they jump to conclusions that fast then who needs them

i really think things happen for a reason in the time that they happen
i feel it was meant to be that something happen to snap both myself and the professor out of it so we know what is going on here between us

i think maybe these people are not contacting me so that i dont get too confused again.

i think i started emailing again so that i could be sure that the professor is the one i want to focus on right now in my life

i think putting my profile back up helped the professor realize that he has to step it up a bit to keep me

and i think if the professor cant step it up and take me out and give me more contact then i will know he is not the one for me.

as it stands i have emailed him but he has not replied.... but he said he would call me today when he gets home and i believe that he will.

in the mean time i certainly have enough to keep me busy, josh is going off to tadma today, i have 5 loads of laundry in the dryers and we will go over and fold it in about 15 minutes
then i told mom i would bring her to the vegetable stand
if donald does contact me maybe i will go on a bike ride with him... but if not i certainly have enough paperwork and crap to do around here today.

assuming

see the trouble we get ourselves into when we assume things
i was assuming that the professor was no longer interested in me, and his account was active, and i would never assume in a million years that he gave his account to his friend,but he did, the guy changed the profile and everything.
the professor assumed by answering my email 4 days late with about 7 words that this would be just fine with me
he also assumed that he would catch up with me when he could and that would be ok with me... and it wasn't

i am looking forward to seeing where this goes now
i voiced my opinions to him, how i was feeling and what i need from this relationship

it is up to him

i think the fact that i contacted people is going to help me decide if the professor is right for me or not. like i said to jean, i find it very hard to believe that i will ever find anyone who can have a conversation with me like the professor does. his words and his intelligence is the main thing that attracts me to him... and how he works out our feelings while we are talking about a subject.
that is something i have lacked all my life and i realllly want to see where this goes... and honestly if i never saw his account active on match, and if he did not ignore me (apparently unintentionally) for 4 days.... none of this would have ever happened
so it is good for me to have expressed how i feel about his lack of contact with me, but it is important that we dont throw away the ground work, the foundation of a relationship that we have already built.

these other guys might be younger, or act younger or might have other minor qualities that the professor does not have, but in the end i dont know if they will have the emotional quotient that i need, that he has. this will be good for me to figure this all out.

made up, made out

ok
had a long chat with the professor
gonna keep seeing him
took my profile down to avoid any further 'stuff'
will meet the ones i said i would meet and date, see what's there
there might not be anything there

i do like the professor
and want to see where this leads.
it could lead to something great... it could lead to the rest of my life
it could lead into a brick wall..... i dont know where it will lead but i want to see where it goes.
he understands how important phone calls are now that i made my point.
so we move on from here....

argh!

argh
i went from happy that i was doing this again to miserable
i went from the professor emailing me that lame email last night, 'hey how have you been', and ignoring the entire text of my email to him as well as my two voicemail messages.
to today he wants to get together with me tonight, stop over, not take me out
then he calls again and i answered.... told him i had plans, i was a bit distant because he had been ignoring me, he sent an email saying that someone else was using his match account in case i saw it up and active.
then when i said i had plans and he was going away, i said maybe next week if he has time we can get together.
then he calls back and it goes to vm and he says that he missed not seeing me this week and he did send me an email and that we could meet for a drink or maybe dinner if my plans fell thru.
so i was happy that my distance might have had him snap out of it
then..... i get a text, that i cant even reply to because it was sent from the Internet not the phone, saying that he assumes by our conversation and the fact that my profile was back up on match that i was no longer interested and that he was sorry about that.

so i called and he did not answer and i left a vm saying not to assume that, and i thought he was not interested in me because i left two vm and he did not reply to either and i sent an email and he did not reply to that as well and i thought he was not interested anymore and for him to call me so we could discuss it. then i texted to his phone to call me please...... and that is all i can do.

it is in his court

he may never call me again.... and i might have fucked it up.
i was so happy emailing last night and today... it was fun and exciting again.
if i never did that last night i would be sitting here waiting for his call and when he finally did i would drop everything to go be with him
i dont like that about me
i farmed my kid out a few times in the last week or so in order to have him over and the last two times he did not even call me back.... i dont care how busy you are at work, you can make a 2 minute phone call.

i require so much more attention than this.
the connections we had emotionally and intellectually were fantastic but i need more.

like i said before i may never meet the person who i think will make me happy but i know i have not me him yet.

i did what i could and i did more than i should and i left it in his court telling him exactly how i feel.....

delving again

well here i am in the middle of the pool again, treading water, and we know how much i hate the deep water.
i cant believe the way the professor just dropped off like that.... maybe he felt it was going to fast when i asked him for his real email address....
maybe he was seeing more than just me and is getting more interested in the other one.... who knows
but i do know that it is more fun and interesting trying to keep all this straight... like i said before it is like a part time job.
and i am feeling so good about myself these days that i am really not taking anything personally.

hate work, as usual, dont want to go in, but hopefully the day will go by very quickly.
looking forward to sleeping a bit late tomorrow and sunday.
getting to fretting about josh and his travels that start this weekend.... eek!
he will be fine i am sure....

the plunge again

ok so i came to grips that the professor must be seeing someone else, maybe loosing interest in me... which is fine, i kind of got that impression anyway.... so i emailed 8 people and put my profile back up... what the hell right? the thing is up on 7-29... use it or loose it.

it was fun to email those people and it was fun to come home to 4 emails.... i am feeling better already!

after leaving on sunday and everything seeming fine with the professor, i emailed once and called twice and he did not reply at all during the week, i know he went onto match and chose to ignore.... tonight i got a breezy little hi how have you been email from him, so i threw the breezy right back at him and i will move on.... if he still wants to see me that is fine... but i have a different attitude these days... as you can tell.

so we shall see where this all leads... i feel better this time... i sent out 8 and got 3 back, plus the professor is still there.... last time i threw out 7 and got 2.....
who knows what will happen.... but looking forward to seeing where it all goes..... AGAIN!
ha!

oh and thanks patrick for making me a freaking regular at chili's!

thinking

so i am sitting here thinking
like i always do
cause that is why i have a blog because i think
ALL the time
and i need to vent it on 'paper' as well as
have people tell me their two cents as well.....
i am sitting her thinking
(and mind you i have no reason to think this and i am not freaking out about anything either, so dont be alarmed)
what if the professor has found someone else that he mistakenly thinks is better than me, which could not be possible (HA! i love this new found cockiness of mine)

what if.....
what would i do next?

well i probably would renew my membership with match only i think, no need to have both, and nothing really wonderful came from yahoo personals anyway
i dont think i would be crazy upset because even though so far the connections between us have been great, and some quite deep.... it is still so new and i have held myself back from falling for him... i think i would survive quite nicely at least at this present state of mind i am in.
i would be sad that it was over and probably a little confused at the connections that we did have, and how they aparently did not mean as much as i thought they did, if he could move on to someone else
(remember i have nothing to base any of this on, i am just thinking of how i would react if he called me today and said he did not want to date anymore, or if he just never called again)

i certainly can keep busy..... on my own and with friends
and i think i have reached a stage where i realize that a loving relationship is so far down the road for me, i no longer think that i will experience 'magic' on a first or second date anymore.

what does it say about me if yet another one decides to move on.... well i think is says nothing about me, it says they were not ready. and that is a good attitude to have. not to blame myself.

now like i said i have no reason to think that the professor is planning on moving on, not by the way he was on sunday evening.... but i have not spoken to him since that night and i have emailed and called once each.... with no return email or phone call.... today is the last day i could see him if he is in fact going away this weekend like he had told me.... so if i dont hear from him or see him today... well.... i guess i am not sure what any of that means. could be as simple as being to damn busy to reply.... but i dont think i have ever been too damn busy to reply to an email or phone call even if just for 2 minutes. but my lifestyle is not his.... or vice versa.

all i know is i have 4 movies downstairs i can watch and there is a concert in enfield on saturday i want to go see, i have friends around and i have housework to do (always)
i will survive... and hope that it is not over, or about to be over.... and it is just a case of being busy....
but if it is not that case.... i know i will be fine.... and move on..... to what ever it is that i am moving on to.... in whatever time it takes me to move there.

......

well you will be very glad to know that i did the dishes.... finally
and i have not had any wine tonight either..... so i met my two goals for the day.... woo hoo!

had a nice visit with patrick's girlfriend wendy tonight... josh and i are getting along well.... getting ready for his trip to tadma.... gigi is going to drive him both ways so i dont have to go to bozrah at all! and i dont have to go to the closing dinner or closing ceremony at all! woo hoo again!

have not heard from the professor but i am not worried
he is enough of an adult that if he were to break up with me (or stop seeing me what ever the case may be) he would call me and discuss this fact
i know he is busy with work,.... plus.... if he can find someone better than me... more power to him!! ha!

listen to me all full of myself..... shameful!

i am, again, feeling very comfortable in my own skin and looking forward to what each day has to offer me.
again i am thankful for wonderful friends, healthy family and opportunity.... happiness.... and knowledge right around the corner.

rocky the raccoon

WOW you should see the rings around my eyes from crying last night.
just a little sob would not produce this sort of magnificent raccoon ring
a continuous 1 hour melt down is the stuff they are made of.

well i honestly believe, and always have, that you need to cry once in a while, if for no other reason than to let it out so that it does not all come out at a reaaaally bad time. like on a first date at a sappy movie.... you dont want to be shedding oodles of tears then, do you?

and it really has been a while since i cried for more than a tear or two.
it was not really the movie because it was not sad it was a happy love story... many happy love stories.
it was me feeling sorry for myself that i dont have that kind of love..... yet.... if it really exists at all anyway.

but i am much better today, except for the rings, which i am sure every person i see will comment on..... yay! cant wait for that!
wow you look tired today.... wow were you crying..... wow do you have any make up in your purse to fix that......

today i WILL clean up those dishes in the sink
and i WILL NOT drink any wine :) i think that just makes things worse for me, emotionally.

not looking forward to being in the office, alot to do and none of it any fun.

thinking about love

well i just finished watching 'love actually'
it was a great movie but i naturally was crying
i hope to have love again someday
i know i will be fine if i dont because i have the love of my family and my son and my great friends who will always be there to lift me up when i am down
but to have someone to love me
be crazy about me
to fly across a country to see me
to risk getting arrested to see me in an airport
to risk losing a friendship to tell me they love me

to hold my face in his two hands and look into my eyes before he kisses me
(this one i want more than words can express)

well i know the only realistic one is the last one, but the love behind the others is amazing.
i want amazing love someday
who knows if i will ever find it but it is a nice hope to have
a wonderful dream to hold onto.

i picked up the guitar tonight and that lasted about 2 minutes, it was out of tune and i did not feel like bothering because it takes me longer to tune it than it does to try to play it.

i choose writing instead
this is what i do
this is how i roll
this is my creative outlet

so i just figure i will drink wine every night until i find love :)
well not really but it makes the lonely night go better, faster, more fun.

my sink is filled with dirty dishes that i just cant bring myself to clean up
my head is filled with thoughts of love that i cant seem to clear out for the time being

to look down the road at myself and see a happy go lucky woman who is comfortable in her own skin, living life to the fullest, enjoying her friends company and watching her son grow up to be a strong confident intelligent man
the picture would be perfect if there were a special someone to share this with
maybe it will happen
maybe it will be the professor, who knows, but it is much too soon to speculate to that

i went to the driving range FINALLY tonight.
a medium bucket of balls and about 7 good shots (good for me, about 120yards or feet or whatever they mark it out in) the rest were worm burners or slices or any number of horrible shots
but at least i got out there finally!!!

so basically i am in a ranting mood so i will just continue to write here until the mood has passed.
when i am thinking about love i think about lyrics to songs
lyrics are sooooo important to me


i just had a horrible experience with the computer.... again. i almost lost this whole draft that i was writing... i hate it when that happens

i am on a roll ranting and raving about love and all that crap and then the computer freezes up and tells me that if i save and try to publish this post i may loose it all... luckily a restart brought everything back.... so far.

why is it that we all want love so badly.... damn human emotions.... damn them all.
not just love
wonderful great love like in the movies
like in literature
like in our imaginations as little girls
does it really exist.... honestly i dont think i have ever witnessed it in person, only on the silver screen
i suppose it is more real love.... real people.... real situations
i think all that 'sweep you off your feet' stuff, if it really exists, if it really happens to anyone, only happens at the beginning of a relationship.... the honeymoon stage.... the lovestruck stage.....

let me see what it was like when i knew i loved a man i was with..... i dont remember scott, it was too long ago and too convoluted
zeke.... hmmm.... i am not sure, i just assumed i loved him, i dont remember any sweeping sensations
pete.... freaking whats his name.... it was december 2nd when we spent the morning together and then we met up at the casino....and i remember when he feel in love with me, it was christmas eve....when he called me from his brothers


there has been no one since

i really thought i would fall for eeyore, but it never got that far.
i feel such great connections with the professor but it is too soon to feel love at all.
i wonder if i will ever feel it again
i wonder if anyone will ever want me to love them again... maybe it will only be a string of physical relationships.... who knows
who knows
who knows what the future brings.


all i know is that i want to have that love
that movie love
that literature love
that hold my face in his hands before he kisses me love
that makes me woozie love
that mutual, i want to see him, cant wait to see him, when do i get to see him love
i hope that it exists, i hope that someday i can feel this thing that i have been dreaming of all my life.


what does the song say, from 'the fantasticks', .... to be kissed upon the eyes
i'd like to dance till 2:00
or sometimes dance till dawn
and if the band could stand it
just go on and on and on
what i want much more than keeping house
much more
much more
much more

---

ok here are the real lyrics, i looked them up

----

I'm sixteen years old and everyday something happens to me Oh... Oh... Oooooh! I hug myself till my arms turn blue, and then I close my eyes and I cry and cry till the tears come down and I can taste them. I love to taste my tears. I am special.I am special. Please, God, please, don't let me be normal!

I'd like to swim in a clear blue stream Where the water is icy cold.Then go to town In a golden gown, And have my fortune told. Just once,Just once,Just once before I'm old.I'd like to be not evil, But a little worldly wise. To be the kind of girl designed To be kissed upon the eyes. I'd like to dance till two o'clock, Or sometimes dance till dawn, Or if the band could stand it, Just go on and on and on Just once, Just once,Before the chance is gone! I'd like to waste a week or two And never do a chore. To wear my hair unfastened So it billows to the floor. To do the things I've dreamed about But never done before! Perhaps I'm bad, or wild, or mad, With lots of grief in store, But I want much more than keeping house!Much more!Much more!Much more!

----

this is another song from the same damn musical that i love



When the moon was young, When the month was May, When the stage was hung for my holiday, I saw shining lights But I never knew: They were you. They were you. They were you. When the dance was done, When I went my way, When I tried to find rainbows far away, All the lovely lights Seemed to fade from view: They were you. They were you. They were you. Without you near me, I can't see. When you're near me, Wonderful things come to be. Every secret prayer, Every fancy free, Everything I dared for both you and me. All my wildest dreams Multiplied by two They were you.They were you.They were you.

----

that freaking musical... my mother was in the windsor jesters when i was a young kid and they did that musical, so i knew the songs, then when i was involved with the east hartford summer youth theater (remember jean, we went to go see bye bye birdie and brett penny was changing in the parking lot :) my godfather was in and directed the fantasticks one year... brett penney was in it, i was crazy about brett penny, i was in like 8th grade i think and he was in high school when they did the fantasticks, but still ....

anyway i got out my mothers album and listened to every word
over and over
and it still is a wonderful love story and the lyrics mean so much to me.
as you can tell.

so needless to say i am sitting here with a soggy face and thinking of these lyrics and knowing that someday.... someday.... someday.... i hope to have this love

----
deep in december
it's nice to remember
without a hurt the heart is hollow....

yup, still ok

wow the computer is running slow today... dont know if it is mine or the WORLD WIDE WEB ha!

so i am much more calm now... i have no reason to think anything different today than yesterday, and yesterday i was totally confident in myself and what i have started with the professor.

with some much needed input from jean and jenny i am back on track.
i do not doubt anything that i have said or done so far with the professor and i know that i am a great catch for the right guy... if the professor is not the right guy, then that is ok too.
but it is still so new, i am looking forward to learning more about him as time goes on.

i thought i was going to falter with this breezy thing, but you know what.... i am ok still.
i still feel calm. i still feel secure with who i am and how i act. i still feel confident.

as this week winds down josh will be heading of to his summer of fun... starting sunday he will be gone for weeks at a time except for about 4 days of transition from one thing to another.
about to go get him a LONG overdue hair cut at will's.... yay!

breezy to a T

breezy breezy breezy
that is me
well.... so i feel really good about what has happened so far with the professor
i am feeling not so good about my diet, did not do as well with atkins today as i had planned, but tomorrow is another day
one thing is bothering me right now.
went online to send the professor an email and i saw that he had been on match in the last 24 hours, that usually means 'today'. then for laughs i searched for him and his profile is still up.
i guess he does not feel that we have enough of a connection to take it down and the fact that he was on but did not contact me means that he might be talking to someone else.... or just looking for someone better... well honey, there is no one better!!

the new me says whatever.
the old me says .... whatever.

i have learned that i cant control anyone but myself. i know how i feel and what i am looking for in a man. i know what i will put up with and what i wont.
it is very soon still to confront him on this but i know that i will soon.
maybe once again... i am only good for sex... but i have hopes that this is not the case.... again.

if it is, screw him and everyone else. and damn me for being fooled. and i will take a break for a while.
maybe it is nothing, maybe he just went on line to see if i sent him an email, maybe he forgot to take his profile down.

like i said.... whatever.
i know how good i am , and what a great catch i am.... i dont need a man to tell me about it
i am empowered by my attitude and by my friends
i know how i feel and nothing any man can say or do can stop how i feel and how i express it.
screw 'em all.
i have got alot on my mind.... i dont need to be bothered with petty jealousy.
whatever!

back on track

ugh.... work
i dont want to go in... but i know that this week, as all weeks do lately, will fly by before i know it
and i will soon be faced with another weekend to fill, because i think the professor is going away this weekend :(
oh well, i am sure i will keep busy , i always do.
josh is here this week but that is it, after sunday he will be gone most of the summer, minus about 3 days.... i am gearing up for him being gone, and missing him, and worrying about him and keeping myself busy all summer.
i am sure i will, with my band of friends that i have around me.

i am still peaceful, still breezy, still status quo. i am not arguing and not wondering why. things dont seem to bother me much these days... well, josh does, but that is about it.
i have my counselor today, that will be interesting.
tomorrow i have court in mass and then josh has a hair cut (thank god) after work.
i am going for a walk with patrick's wendy on wednesday... and honestly that is all i can remember of my schedule this week... and that is ok. i dont fret quite as much anymore. i think i will start to fret as college gets closer and then once he is there i will be ok.

wondering what i will eat today.... not alot in the fridge that is prepared atkins stuff.... i will figure it out.... just need to get back on track with it... it will take me a couple days but i can do it.

end of weekend

ready for bed
saw the professor, had a really nice visit
feeling really good about it
and about myself
except that i have to diet like crazy
it was a wild weekend for me
thanks patrick for the beer
not looking forward to the week of work but
it is a necessary evil
happy to be able to fall into my bed
great weekend
good night all

heading home

well it was a great visit, and i love seeing sally
got to meet the bloggers again and caleb won 1st prize in the parade.
it was a lovely weekend (who says lovely anyway??)
even though the sun was hiding.
not looking forward to the drive home but i will survive!
still breezy, in case you were wondering....
will write when i am home i am sure.

back full force on atkins tomorrow...

on cape

the cape is wonderful, even with the horrible traffic.
i love the smell here, the salt calms me
i am still breezy.... and loving it

enjoying our visit with sally, i love our talks and our time together

stopped into fleet and saw kevin, he showed us pictures and video of the parade... 1 year of recovery for caleb potter whoo hoo!
left a voicemail for sharyn to say hi and hope that the weekend is a wonderful one for her.

not looking forward to the ride home tomorrow... wish this place was about 150 miles closer :)

last before i leave

1:20 friday afternoon
i just got a 'hey how are you, i had a nice time' check in
phone call from the professor... hmmmm
next level?
i think so!

start the day

ok i'm up
finally
have to pack, make pink stuff for the party, get William a birthday card before i get to my sisters (good luck with that)
gonna jump in the shower and start my day.
have to fill up the tank too
there is so much to do before we can actually just drive out 84 east.
i am starving too... must have breakfast.
have to cook the chicken thighs that have been thawing since monday... they wont make the weekend without me.
ok ok i will get up and start that too.
a mom's work is never done.... never.

-----
so we will be leaving in about an hour, just tossing our stuff in the car and going.
i look forward to seeing the cape and visiting with sally. i miss her.
i am glad for the start of this relationship with the professor. i like him so far. i like what we have for a basis so far.
i have no fears or worries that i wont see him next week. it is slow and comfortable. no rush no worries. when we are together i can tell he is into me, and that is all i really wanted, right. someone who is into me.
but i feel there is potential to be so much more.
i can go about my day and do the things i want to do and the things i need to do and know that he is equally as busy all day and that is fine. that is real life.
it is peaceful right now.
it is rarely peaceful in my life, but there seems to be more and more days filled with calm and peace.
i need those times to clear my head.
i cant express right now the sense of peace in my heart. every thing is ok right now. my son is here and not fighting with me
my mom is ok
my friends are ok
i have a man who cares for me
i am about to go to my favorite place on earth
i am about go on a road trip with my son.

all is well right now in my world.
have a great weekend everyone, be safe.

whirlwind

whirlwind day
work, dog to vet, went to docs.... no problems, maybe some endometrial tissue might have regenerated... but it is probably nothing at all, that was a relief, went to happy hour with work, invited my sidekick patrick (or am i his sidekick? hmmm) the professor came over stayed till 10:30 or so... there are connections and they get deeper every time i see him, you can say they are only physical all you want, they may be based in the physical but they are definitely laying a foundation to something more.... i am enjoying peeling this onion.... slow and steady they say....

then i watched the rest of oceans twelve and then watched the family stone... HENCE the 1:30am blog post. i am feeling very good right now... but unfortunately not tired at all.
big day tomorrow with lots of driving involved....
looking forward to seeing sally. and seeing the cape.... even if it is raining. i dont mind.

come to me, my little lorazapam.... my dreams await.....

so here i am waiting again for the professor to come here
i cant wait to see him

went to happy hour with work and patrick came too, it was fun, i enjoyed the time with everyone.
i am feeling really good about myself these days
i am looking forward to visiting with sally and getting to the cape.
all is well right now
i am content and happy
this is a good thing

breezy reallity

still breezy
different outlook
so if he says it will take months to fall in love with someone
which i agree with, it should take months...
anything immediate is falsely based...
am i willing to give it several months?
i think so.
i think i just need to know if i am a contender
for his heart or if it is just always going to be a physical
attraction.
i will ask tonight if given the opportunity.

drop dog off, go to docs to find out about these health problems i have been having
get josh so he can do work around the house
bring him back to mom's
happy hour with work
maybe the professor later

what happens at the end of the summer when i cant farm josh out during the week?
will he ever want to meet my son?
will he take me anyplace?
all valid questions that deserve answers, but it is too soon to spring those
particular ones.
more breezy ones are in store for this early in a relationship
i save the hard hitting ones for this space
so i can vent and let it out and get my feedback

the connections are real ones
they just need to be deeper and longer, over time
i agree with that thought process completely
because when i do fall again, i want it to be for a long long time
not another short stint in happiness
only to be tossed back out into this crazy dating world again.

waiting

here i am waiting for my evening with the professor... me with my new found calm demeanor
i still ask myself why it is coming so easy now... i am not sure if it is me that changed or the choice of man i am trying to start a relationship with.
it seems so easy to talk to him and be with him. it is almost like we are very similar types of people and we just fall together nicely.
could it be that simple.
i still have high hopes for this one... maybe that is wrong of me, but i do like him
i will be glad when we can have a weekend date... i will ask tonight when he is free next.
i am glad to go to the cape and see sally but i fear i will be totally tired at the end of it all.
it is supposed to rain on the 4th, i hate driving to the cape in the rain... maybe the forecast will change by then :)

another day another dollar

need to get a coffee, i only drink decaf but the amount of caffeine that is in dunkin decaf is what i need right now
been so busy
josh is not here so i have to do even more, mainly the dog... but still.
the professor wrote and we will see each other this evening. he apparently is an emailer... that is fine, so am i.
actually it is just the contact that i like... does not matter what form it is in.
going to try to finish last months bank statement today so i can get it off my desk... ready for the next one to show up in 10 days....eek!
i am usually much more on top of things but with all the court dates and mom's surgery and follow up i have been behind... looking forward to catching up.
my hair came out good... not brassy... i hate brassy.
off to work...

roots and all

holy crap, i cant believe my head has not exploded yet from all the running around, turmoil and general unrest around here and in my life!!
right now i am taking a needed 40 minutes to color my roots... thank god.... it was a sad sad sight
did more shopping tonight, but luckily only purchased what was needed around the house.
well, i bought an iron, which i really did need because my 50's version melts clothes... not a good quality in an iron these days. and i got a couple shirts on clearance. but other than that is was groceries and household supplies.
i am forcing myself to watch 'million dollar baby'
i know i know i am about 6 years behind everyone else, but i just recently found out that you can take movies out of the library for a week for free... i have had this one for over a week (dont worry i renewed it) but i just have not made myself sit down and watch it.
i would rather see a funny love story
just saw 2 weeks notice, and the upside of anger...another good one was elizabethtown.. and fever pitch too.
that kind of thing is right up my alley.... especially after a long day

presently waiting for word from the professor about our date tomorrow... i am not worried. he is a stand up guy, he will either email or call before the end of the day tomorrow i am sure.
(hey who is this woman typing these words... cant be amy! she is a controlling worry wart who never gives herself credit...hmmmm.... pod people maybe :)

i am hoping that the heat wave will end soon but in reality.... it is july 1st and it is probably just starting.
gearing up for going to the cape this weekend to see sally. it will be great to visit with her. i miss her alot. i wish we were closer... but the drive is gonna suck! but checking the calendar for the rest of the summer, we would not be able to get there so we may as well stick to our guns and go for it.

trying hard to keep my sanity .... mom-hood is no fun.

on my toes

so now i see that i have a deviant on my hands..... i am sure he does things he is not supposed to when i am not here... some solace in the fact that he will not be left to his own devices all summer, but rather under supervision most of the time. thank god!

it is not like he is stealing or doing drugs, but he is leaving the house without permission and he is watching tv when i tell him not to and he is looking thru drawers that are not his and he is taking things out that i took away from him and putting them back where i 'hid' them.
sure we have a very small space here and he was bound to do these things... .but i am just so upset that he has.

like i said before he is not doing anything terrible but these things are new to him and me and i am not liking it. i need him to stop before these bad behaviors lead to worse ones.
i love him dearly and he is my only family in this world... yes i know i have mom and sisters and great friends but he is my only child and i have to do everything for him and support him until he is grown.

today, another crazy run around day for us/me.
i might get to bed early tonight... ha! that was funny, i crack myself up!