that was the name of a song on a kids show when i was very young... i remember the tune in my head today... odd....
so, i love to sleep with the window open and i can get fresh air... but the freakin birds wake me up at 4am.... what type of bird needs to be up at 4am.... and dont say the early bird that catches the worm, cause i am not buying it!
anyway.... i was able to stay in be till now which was GREAT... that is the reason i love the weekends, i get to sleep late, i know i know, 8 is not really considered late in most circles, but it is in mine!
i have no idea what i am going to do with my day... it could have something to do with cleaning but i am just not going to promise my self anything like that... it might have something to do with movies.... or a drive somewhere.... not sure but i love it when i have the world at my fingertips and i am not in a horrible mood.
i am going to go get cleaned up and walk to get my coffee like i do so many weekend mornings....
here's to a weekend that i am not going to freak out! yay!!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
end of day... beginning of a new one
had another nice time with new patrick. just hanging out watching a movie... he is a bit under the weather and it was nice to just sit together.
i think i like it so much because that is what i am missing in my life.... someone to sit with.
i have decided that he is not a sharer of feelings, like he wont just tell me i am pretty or that i look nice... but i can tell he is happy when i am with him.
i think he is still feeling this whole thing out as well as i am doing the same.
it is so important to check into all the little details like... can you sit and watch a movie together... can you have dinner conversation....
right now i feel very good about all of this. he told me that he is enjoying my company and i asked when i can see him again and he said .... soon!
he has the kids this weekend but he said monday or tuesday... that is good enough for me!
this will probably be a long weekend for me since i cant see him and jean is away sat and sunday... but i will do my best to keep busy with mom and errands and josh etc.
made brownies tonight so i could lick the bowl... i never eat the brownies... just lick the bowl.... i hope someone eats them.... the last time i made brownies pete was around and he took care of that for me....
well i am off to bed... i actually got home about 11:15... and i am a bit tired....
talk tomorrow....
i think i like it so much because that is what i am missing in my life.... someone to sit with.
i have decided that he is not a sharer of feelings, like he wont just tell me i am pretty or that i look nice... but i can tell he is happy when i am with him.
i think he is still feeling this whole thing out as well as i am doing the same.
it is so important to check into all the little details like... can you sit and watch a movie together... can you have dinner conversation....
right now i feel very good about all of this. he told me that he is enjoying my company and i asked when i can see him again and he said .... soon!
he has the kids this weekend but he said monday or tuesday... that is good enough for me!
this will probably be a long weekend for me since i cant see him and jean is away sat and sunday... but i will do my best to keep busy with mom and errands and josh etc.
made brownies tonight so i could lick the bowl... i never eat the brownies... just lick the bowl.... i hope someone eats them.... the last time i made brownies pete was around and he took care of that for me....
well i am off to bed... i actually got home about 11:15... and i am a bit tired....
talk tomorrow....
Friday, June 13, 2008
mid day rant
sometimes when i am thinking clearly i write to my friend jean, and also when i am not thinking clearly :)
this morning i wrote a few positive things to her and i wanted to put them up here as affirmation to myself... in case i forget how i am feeling today... cause that is how i roll sometimes... i forget the good stuff... need to remind myself whenever possible.
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so if he cant see me tonight i will just try to set up the next time before i get off the phone with him and then focus on other things.
i sent a text this morning saying
'thinking of you, hope you are feeling better today'
i was not going to send it, for fear it would be pushy..... but i am realizing that 'this is me'.... this is the way i am.... lots of people like the way i am... i dont want to try to be somebody else just to get him to like me or not be scared of me.
it is like what i said last week after your party, yes i regretted saying it afterward but at the time it felt right.... that is me
i am a blurter, i am a texter... i like to keep contact..... oh well....
if he is a scared rabbit then maybe it is not going to work out for us.
i do like him but i cant be somebody else.... right?
i think that is my main problem, i say stuff... then worry i should not have done it
or if we dont make the next date, i worry that he will never call again.
but you know what? if he never calls again... screw him!
it is not like he forgot about me or forgot my number or lost his phone or did not know how to contact me on match.com or got laryngitis for 3 weeks (oh pooh)... so if he does not call or want to see me again... there must be a reason on his end... not mine.
no, the text was not pushy, it was caring, and i would love to have someone care enough about me to text me like that.
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maybe he is the one, maybe not... i do like him alot and i feel a connection growing... would love to see where it goes.... i will be crossing my fingers and toes and saying a prayer that i get to see him tonight.... to let the connection grow even more. i feel very comfortable with him and he makes me laugh so much my sides hurt. two very good traits to have in a boyfriend.
this morning i wrote a few positive things to her and i wanted to put them up here as affirmation to myself... in case i forget how i am feeling today... cause that is how i roll sometimes... i forget the good stuff... need to remind myself whenever possible.
---------------
---------------
so if he cant see me tonight i will just try to set up the next time before i get off the phone with him and then focus on other things.
i sent a text this morning saying
'thinking of you, hope you are feeling better today'
i was not going to send it, for fear it would be pushy..... but i am realizing that 'this is me'.... this is the way i am.... lots of people like the way i am... i dont want to try to be somebody else just to get him to like me or not be scared of me.
it is like what i said last week after your party, yes i regretted saying it afterward but at the time it felt right.... that is me
i am a blurter, i am a texter... i like to keep contact..... oh well....
if he is a scared rabbit then maybe it is not going to work out for us.
i do like him but i cant be somebody else.... right?
i think that is my main problem, i say stuff... then worry i should not have done it
or if we dont make the next date, i worry that he will never call again.
but you know what? if he never calls again... screw him!
it is not like he forgot about me or forgot my number or lost his phone or did not know how to contact me on match.com or got laryngitis for 3 weeks (oh pooh)... so if he does not call or want to see me again... there must be a reason on his end... not mine.
no, the text was not pushy, it was caring, and i would love to have someone care enough about me to text me like that.
----------------------
----------------------
maybe he is the one, maybe not... i do like him alot and i feel a connection growing... would love to see where it goes.... i will be crossing my fingers and toes and saying a prayer that i get to see him tonight.... to let the connection grow even more. i feel very comfortable with him and he makes me laugh so much my sides hurt. two very good traits to have in a boyfriend.
fri outlook
so today is finally friday.... i cant wait to sleep a little late this weekend on both days... i need to catch up.
again, i worry going into work, and i worry over the weekend that something may happen with my boss' mother..... again i pray she is not in any pain.
sometimes they wait till they have seen everyone that needs to travel and see them... it is odd the way they dont let go until it is time.
so last night, i thought i was going to see patrick and i made him a small rack of ribs because he liked mine so much last week. it takes 2 hours so i knew i would not hear from him for a while, so i made them.... when i talked to him when he got out of work he said he did not feel well, was going to go home and take some medicine and eat something and let me know if he was up for a visitor.... turned out that he was not.
when i asked if he would like to see me tomorrow night (fri) he said that someone asked him to go out for a few beers after work but we could do something after that.... will be until about 7. told him i made him the ribs and he was thankful and asked if he could get them tomorrow... i said sure.
so i am excite to see him and i realllllly hope he does not call me at 7 and tell me he is not feeling well again.
i know he felt bad about not being more awake on wed, and he felt bad about not seeing me last night, said he did not like disappointing me.... but your health is your health and if he is not feeling good again tonight.... then i wont see him till sunday night, if he even wants to see me then....
naturally my head wants to think that 'someone after work' is a woman and he might call me to say he is not feeling well, but really wants to stay out with her.... which is fine and understandable, but i hope it is also completely in my imagination. i hope that the 'someone after work' is guys and i am hoping he really does want to see me tonight.
i am not going to try to get my hopes up, because i hate it when they are dashed.
but i can feel confident that he does like me and i am the only one he is seeing, as far as i know.
online, just watching the way the contacts and icebreakers have died off for me, i am sure they died off for him too. and he has been active at least as long as i have.
the reason he comes up in my top few for 'we match' is because he actually matches what i am looking for... because what he is looking for he did not put much specific... he is looking for a female that does not smoke and does not want kids.... hello, i fit in there :)
but i put more specifics and he matches those for me.
so i go thru the day today and hope that i have a positive outlook. hope that i keep my head up and 'know' that when he calls at 7 he is going to want to see me tonight. why wouldn't he :)
or at least i keep telling myself that......
again, i worry going into work, and i worry over the weekend that something may happen with my boss' mother..... again i pray she is not in any pain.
sometimes they wait till they have seen everyone that needs to travel and see them... it is odd the way they dont let go until it is time.
so last night, i thought i was going to see patrick and i made him a small rack of ribs because he liked mine so much last week. it takes 2 hours so i knew i would not hear from him for a while, so i made them.... when i talked to him when he got out of work he said he did not feel well, was going to go home and take some medicine and eat something and let me know if he was up for a visitor.... turned out that he was not.
when i asked if he would like to see me tomorrow night (fri) he said that someone asked him to go out for a few beers after work but we could do something after that.... will be until about 7. told him i made him the ribs and he was thankful and asked if he could get them tomorrow... i said sure.
so i am excite to see him and i realllllly hope he does not call me at 7 and tell me he is not feeling well again.
i know he felt bad about not being more awake on wed, and he felt bad about not seeing me last night, said he did not like disappointing me.... but your health is your health and if he is not feeling good again tonight.... then i wont see him till sunday night, if he even wants to see me then....
naturally my head wants to think that 'someone after work' is a woman and he might call me to say he is not feeling well, but really wants to stay out with her.... which is fine and understandable, but i hope it is also completely in my imagination. i hope that the 'someone after work' is guys and i am hoping he really does want to see me tonight.
i am not going to try to get my hopes up, because i hate it when they are dashed.
but i can feel confident that he does like me and i am the only one he is seeing, as far as i know.
online, just watching the way the contacts and icebreakers have died off for me, i am sure they died off for him too. and he has been active at least as long as i have.
the reason he comes up in my top few for 'we match' is because he actually matches what i am looking for... because what he is looking for he did not put much specific... he is looking for a female that does not smoke and does not want kids.... hello, i fit in there :)
but i put more specifics and he matches those for me.
so i go thru the day today and hope that i have a positive outlook. hope that i keep my head up and 'know' that when he calls at 7 he is going to want to see me tonight. why wouldn't he :)
or at least i keep telling myself that......
Thursday, June 12, 2008
thurs pm
me again. no news on the boss' mom. i hope she is not in any pain.
waiting to hear from patrick for a visit, should hear soon, was not feeling well but was not sure if it was a cold or allergies.... my jewelry party postponed so i can see him tomorrow night if he still wants to.
mike law is playing in manchester, might see if he wants to go see them...
fathers day is coming... going to go to the cemetery in stafford for scott then stop and see if dad w is around and then go to hartford for my dad.
busy sad day for us. josh should call jer too.
overall i am doing good... i feel better about myself and me and patrick so far.
mike b is in the air.... hope he gets there safe and sound.
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well no patrick tonight, he is not feeling well but we will see each other tomorrow night... he is going to happy hour with some people after work, i have a feeling the 'people' is a woman, cause if it was a guy he would say 'some guys', but he said 'someone'.... but anyway... i am secure with myself and how i think he feels about me.
he said he did not want to disappoint me but he was not feeling his best. i understand.... i told him to get his rest and he will call me tomorrow around 7pm.... i hope.
if not....who knows when.
but i am not going to do this to myself.... he likes me, i know he does... he is just under the weather.
gonna go to the library and see about more movies....
waiting to hear from patrick for a visit, should hear soon, was not feeling well but was not sure if it was a cold or allergies.... my jewelry party postponed so i can see him tomorrow night if he still wants to.
mike law is playing in manchester, might see if he wants to go see them...
fathers day is coming... going to go to the cemetery in stafford for scott then stop and see if dad w is around and then go to hartford for my dad.
busy sad day for us. josh should call jer too.
overall i am doing good... i feel better about myself and me and patrick so far.
mike b is in the air.... hope he gets there safe and sound.
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well no patrick tonight, he is not feeling well but we will see each other tomorrow night... he is going to happy hour with some people after work, i have a feeling the 'people' is a woman, cause if it was a guy he would say 'some guys', but he said 'someone'.... but anyway... i am secure with myself and how i think he feels about me.
he said he did not want to disappoint me but he was not feeling his best. i understand.... i told him to get his rest and he will call me tomorrow around 7pm.... i hope.
if not....who knows when.
but i am not going to do this to myself.... he likes me, i know he does... he is just under the weather.
gonna go to the library and see about more movies....
thurs am
again, trepidation, today could be the day of a dear ones passing... i only pray that she is peaceful... i am such an emotional wreck these days i dont know how i will react.
all i know is that she is a lovely woman and these boys are like family to me. 25 years.
i think i slept ok last night.... trying something different with my makeup today... it is so hot lately and the makeup i am using just sticks to my face and makes me feel like i am wearing a mask.... i am going with powder today... hope i dont look like 1) a geisha or 2) just plain stupid. makeup is meant to hide flaws but powder does not do that.
going to mention to laureen if there is a possibility that she might postpone the party... if so, i hope that i can see new patrick tonight and tomorrow.
if not, i will see him tonight, i hope, if work is not too crazy for him, and maybe sunday too.
will have to get him a fathers day card... he seems like a great dad to his kids..... our sunday will be spent at cemeteries. i think i will bring josh to my dad's too, since i found it now :)
all i know is that she is a lovely woman and these boys are like family to me. 25 years.
i think i slept ok last night.... trying something different with my makeup today... it is so hot lately and the makeup i am using just sticks to my face and makes me feel like i am wearing a mask.... i am going with powder today... hope i dont look like 1) a geisha or 2) just plain stupid. makeup is meant to hide flaws but powder does not do that.
going to mention to laureen if there is a possibility that she might postpone the party... if so, i hope that i can see new patrick tonight and tomorrow.
if not, i will see him tonight, i hope, if work is not too crazy for him, and maybe sunday too.
will have to get him a fathers day card... he seems like a great dad to his kids..... our sunday will be spent at cemeteries. i think i will bring josh to my dad's too, since i found it now :)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
started odd ended great
today was odd at work, still waiting on word of my boss' mom.... so sad....
went to an assembly at josh's school for awards... he got a few, i am very proud of him for this achievement.
mike b's last night here till he comes back to visit us... missed the last happy hour....
went on a date with new patrick, actually just hung out at his house and watched a movie 'feast of love' it was odd.... lots of sex, nudity, twisting plots, rough language.... odd for a first movie we watched together...
we just sat there and hung out and i loved every second of it. i have this feeling that we bonded a bit more tonight.... and i feel really good about it.
we are going to see each other again tomorrow night i think... the bad thing is i have a jewelry party friday and he has his boys saturday into sunday and then he has them again next weekend as well. so finding time to see him will be tough for the next couple weeks. he gets so tired from work.... sleepy at 9pm.
but he stuck it out tonight till about 10:45.
i really had a nice time with him, and i hope he feels the same way.
i think the best thing for me, in my own head is to make the next date every time i see him. so as it stands tomorrow night is the next date... then after that it will be sunday, unless laureen cancels her party on friday.
i cannot stress enough what a nice time i had tonight....
went to an assembly at josh's school for awards... he got a few, i am very proud of him for this achievement.
mike b's last night here till he comes back to visit us... missed the last happy hour....
went on a date with new patrick, actually just hung out at his house and watched a movie 'feast of love' it was odd.... lots of sex, nudity, twisting plots, rough language.... odd for a first movie we watched together...
we just sat there and hung out and i loved every second of it. i have this feeling that we bonded a bit more tonight.... and i feel really good about it.
we are going to see each other again tomorrow night i think... the bad thing is i have a jewelry party friday and he has his boys saturday into sunday and then he has them again next weekend as well. so finding time to see him will be tough for the next couple weeks. he gets so tired from work.... sleepy at 9pm.
but he stuck it out tonight till about 10:45.
i really had a nice time with him, and i hope he feels the same way.
i think the best thing for me, in my own head is to make the next date every time i see him. so as it stands tomorrow night is the next date... then after that it will be sunday, unless laureen cancels her party on friday.
i cannot stress enough what a nice time i had tonight....
wed am
today i start the day with trepidation because of my boss' mothers condition... each day i dread hearing the words that she has passed away... i am such an emotional person i cant tell you how i will react.
i am also kind of upset because they probably wont let me attend the funeral because i will have to be at work....
on a happy note, i get to see new patrick tonight :)
i have not heard from him about what we are doing or where but i know he will call either on lunch or when he gets out of work.
i have to really embrace this easy breezy thing.... really embrace it like i own it.
i am also kind of upset because they probably wont let me attend the funeral because i will have to be at work....
on a happy note, i get to see new patrick tonight :)
i have not heard from him about what we are doing or where but i know he will call either on lunch or when he gets out of work.
i have to really embrace this easy breezy thing.... really embrace it like i own it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
bed time
i am torn between happiness and sadness
i am happy that i am ok with patrick after all the turmoil i went thru this weekend in my head
and i am sad because my boss' mother is passing away.
i have known her for 25 years, she is a wonderful sweet woman who i am sure never hurt a fly and it is so sad to see these boys (my bosses) go thru this with their mom. i went thru it with my dad and i know what they are feeling.
went to happy hour with old patrick and mike b tonight... wanted to say goodbye and good luck.... he is a really nice guy and fun to be around.... i hope he visits when he gets back in this area from the UK.
it is still very hot.... there are breezes blowing and storms brewing but not enough to make it cool down. it is supposed to break tomorrow.
did 4 loads of laundry tonight as well... and josh had his scoutmaster conference for the rank of star tonight and passed.... next week board of review and he will advance again... i am proud of him.
i am sleepy but not tired... will have to take my little lorazapam tonight.... looking forward to seeing patrick tomorrow.... i wonder what we will do?
i am happy that i am ok with patrick after all the turmoil i went thru this weekend in my head
and i am sad because my boss' mother is passing away.
i have known her for 25 years, she is a wonderful sweet woman who i am sure never hurt a fly and it is so sad to see these boys (my bosses) go thru this with their mom. i went thru it with my dad and i know what they are feeling.
went to happy hour with old patrick and mike b tonight... wanted to say goodbye and good luck.... he is a really nice guy and fun to be around.... i hope he visits when he gets back in this area from the UK.
it is still very hot.... there are breezes blowing and storms brewing but not enough to make it cool down. it is supposed to break tomorrow.
did 4 loads of laundry tonight as well... and josh had his scoutmaster conference for the rank of star tonight and passed.... next week board of review and he will advance again... i am proud of him.
i am sleepy but not tired... will have to take my little lorazapam tonight.... looking forward to seeing patrick tomorrow.... i wonder what we will do?
tuesday
now with the horrific problems of relationships on the back burner for today at least.... i can focus on what is really important, my son, money, my mother, my job.... real things.
it is horrible that relationships can overwhelm me so much that i snap at friends and feel depressed because of it....
yes i am very happy i am seeing new patrick tomorrow night.... i am happy that he still wants to see me and go slow .... i am happy i dont have to start all over again.....
there are so many things in life that require my attention.... and when i am preoccupied with relationship crap... i cant focus well on anything.
when my mom was in the hospital i was in the midst of relationship crap and i forced myself to be there for her and be present for her.... i have to do this everyday.... because there will always be relationship crap.
sure things are going well today but if we dont make our next date.... something for me to look forward to, something for me to hold on to.... i will be in the same predicament....
easy breezy, that is what my goal was , not just breezy but easy too! that is a task in itself.
little steps, dont look further than two days away.... keep real and honest with myself and everyone around me.
it is true and it all comes down to this.... i miss love in my life... i miss being loved with someones whole heart and i miss doing that in return. maybe new patrick is not the one for that job.... maybe he likes me but cant ever love me.... who knows it is too soon to tell... hence the slow and steady part....
but i want that love back.... i want to feel it every day and i want to give it every day.
thought for the day...
why is it so hard for me to just live my life my way, why do i depend so much on others reactions and approval? it sucks to be like that. i do live it my way, no excuses, i just do it.... but after the fact i beat myself up about what i chose to do this time and why i should have done it differently... but if i had done it differently, it would not have been me.
it is horrible that relationships can overwhelm me so much that i snap at friends and feel depressed because of it....
yes i am very happy i am seeing new patrick tomorrow night.... i am happy that he still wants to see me and go slow .... i am happy i dont have to start all over again.....
there are so many things in life that require my attention.... and when i am preoccupied with relationship crap... i cant focus well on anything.
when my mom was in the hospital i was in the midst of relationship crap and i forced myself to be there for her and be present for her.... i have to do this everyday.... because there will always be relationship crap.
sure things are going well today but if we dont make our next date.... something for me to look forward to, something for me to hold on to.... i will be in the same predicament....
easy breezy, that is what my goal was , not just breezy but easy too! that is a task in itself.
little steps, dont look further than two days away.... keep real and honest with myself and everyone around me.
it is true and it all comes down to this.... i miss love in my life... i miss being loved with someones whole heart and i miss doing that in return. maybe new patrick is not the one for that job.... maybe he likes me but cant ever love me.... who knows it is too soon to tell... hence the slow and steady part....
but i want that love back.... i want to feel it every day and i want to give it every day.
thought for the day...
why is it so hard for me to just live my life my way, why do i depend so much on others reactions and approval? it sucks to be like that. i do live it my way, no excuses, i just do it.... but after the fact i beat myself up about what i chose to do this time and why i should have done it differently... but if i had done it differently, it would not have been me.
Monday, June 9, 2008
i was wrong
ok on the suggestion of (old) patrick i am going on the blog to say 'i was wrong'
new patrick called and made another date with me, and is looking forward to seeing me wednesday.... YAY!!!
actually i was not wrong because i did in fact scare him but not scary enough to scare him away totally... which is good
i was wrong in the sense that i sabotaged myself all weekend to think that he was done with me.... (but my gut instincts were right about him not calling because of his kids and that if he was going to call it would be monday after work)
but i am supposed to say here that i was wrong...
i was wrong to torture myself
i was wrong to not be ok with myself just the way i am, like saying things off the cuff... devil may care attitude
i am my worst enemy.....
things i have learned today
1 slow and steady wins the race
2 i can be wrong but still be ok with myself
3 pray pray pray but you have to believe in what you are praying for
4 be easy breezy (not covergirl though)
i was so ready to just have to start all over again, not with the old ones like scott and frank... but start from scratch.... but i am glad i dont have to start over right now.... i want to give this time to grow (if it is going to grow) and see where it takes us. i have to be much more breezy and realize that he is not exclusive with me and that is ok since it is still so new. he is not seeing anyone else he is just not ready to turn the claddagh around....
i am glad i dont have to start all over again....
today i thank god for my friends because they are wonderful wonderful friends who are always there for me.... jean and (old) patrick, jenny at church and jenny my counselor, gloria and don.... everyone who reads this blog and shares how they feel whether they call me or post a comment... i know that i have a great group of friends who really do care about me.
THANK YOU!!!!
new patrick called and made another date with me, and is looking forward to seeing me wednesday.... YAY!!!
actually i was not wrong because i did in fact scare him but not scary enough to scare him away totally... which is good
i was wrong in the sense that i sabotaged myself all weekend to think that he was done with me.... (but my gut instincts were right about him not calling because of his kids and that if he was going to call it would be monday after work)
but i am supposed to say here that i was wrong...
i was wrong to torture myself
i was wrong to not be ok with myself just the way i am, like saying things off the cuff... devil may care attitude
i am my worst enemy.....
things i have learned today
1 slow and steady wins the race
2 i can be wrong but still be ok with myself
3 pray pray pray but you have to believe in what you are praying for
4 be easy breezy (not covergirl though)
i was so ready to just have to start all over again, not with the old ones like scott and frank... but start from scratch.... but i am glad i dont have to start over right now.... i want to give this time to grow (if it is going to grow) and see where it takes us. i have to be much more breezy and realize that he is not exclusive with me and that is ok since it is still so new. he is not seeing anyone else he is just not ready to turn the claddagh around....
i am glad i dont have to start all over again....
today i thank god for my friends because they are wonderful wonderful friends who are always there for me.... jean and (old) patrick, jenny at church and jenny my counselor, gloria and don.... everyone who reads this blog and shares how they feel whether they call me or post a comment... i know that i have a great group of friends who really do care about me.
THANK YOU!!!!
and now....
so when i finally got to the point of realizing that i am not going to call or anything anymore, it is in his court and if he wants to stop seeing me cause of what i said, then it was not a match anyway.... when i finally got to that point.... he called.
immediately referenced what i had said and told me he is not ready to do those things... i said i completely understand.
did not take my calls this weekend because of his kids... again i completely understand
i asked if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said no.
currently i am awaiting a call when he gets home and settled to see if i might come over and spend some time with him.....
slow and steady wins the race... jean just told me that and it is so true
why do i jump the gun so much...when it could risk everything....????
so i am completely prepared for him to say that he does not want any visitors tonight and that way when he says it.... i wont be upset.
but i do want another date with him... i dont want to stop seeing him... i would love to see where this goes.
it could be really great.... it has to have a chance though.
today don gave me a hug and i needed it so badly.... with everything that is going on in my head i just needed it to stop for a minute and just let go and be held.
i thank you don for that hug.... it meant more that you know.
immediately referenced what i had said and told me he is not ready to do those things... i said i completely understand.
did not take my calls this weekend because of his kids... again i completely understand
i asked if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said no.
currently i am awaiting a call when he gets home and settled to see if i might come over and spend some time with him.....
slow and steady wins the race... jean just told me that and it is so true
why do i jump the gun so much...when it could risk everything....????
so i am completely prepared for him to say that he does not want any visitors tonight and that way when he says it.... i wont be upset.
but i do want another date with him... i dont want to stop seeing him... i would love to see where this goes.
it could be really great.... it has to have a chance though.
today don gave me a hug and i needed it so badly.... with everything that is going on in my head i just needed it to stop for a minute and just let go and be held.
i thank you don for that hug.... it meant more that you know.
i dont like monday
so after reading my 'i'm ok mantra' again today, i still feel the same way.
this process is hard and nobody ever said it wouldn't be.
rejection, scrutiny, the ability to just never call or write again and not have anyone think anything different.
look at frank, he called once last week, i did not call back and he has not called since
look at scott, he finally stopped writing as well.... is it that easy to just say 'i'm done with you now'? or is it easy for a man? if i were done with someone, i would have the decency to call and tell the person i was done.
but when people are done with you, that does not make you less of a person, it just means that you were in a relationship (or start of one) that was not a good fit.
but the alternative is ..... i have no one even looking at my profiles, and have not for over a week... i did not care or notice because i was preoccupied with new patrick... but now that i am not, i notice.
so i have to continue to tell myself that i am ok and i dont need a man, i just want a man.
i have to continue to remind myself that if new patrick never calls again, it is a loss but i can move on.
so i will go to work and be busy all day, i will see jenny at a lunch time apointment and i am sure she will have lots to say about my behavior. i will make that phone call, backing up the the text i sent, just in case he did not get it.... and then back to work and i guess that will be it.
it is just sad to know there was something that felt so right and it most likely is out the window at this point. because of me most likely....
live and learn and then get luvs.... that's what i always say....
this process is hard and nobody ever said it wouldn't be.
rejection, scrutiny, the ability to just never call or write again and not have anyone think anything different.
look at frank, he called once last week, i did not call back and he has not called since
look at scott, he finally stopped writing as well.... is it that easy to just say 'i'm done with you now'? or is it easy for a man? if i were done with someone, i would have the decency to call and tell the person i was done.
but when people are done with you, that does not make you less of a person, it just means that you were in a relationship (or start of one) that was not a good fit.
but the alternative is ..... i have no one even looking at my profiles, and have not for over a week... i did not care or notice because i was preoccupied with new patrick... but now that i am not, i notice.
so i have to continue to tell myself that i am ok and i dont need a man, i just want a man.
i have to continue to remind myself that if new patrick never calls again, it is a loss but i can move on.
so i will go to work and be busy all day, i will see jenny at a lunch time apointment and i am sure she will have lots to say about my behavior. i will make that phone call, backing up the the text i sent, just in case he did not get it.... and then back to work and i guess that will be it.
it is just sad to know there was something that felt so right and it most likely is out the window at this point. because of me most likely....
live and learn and then get luvs.... that's what i always say....
Sunday, June 8, 2008
i'm ok mantra
so i am ok right now
i am ok with who i am and the fact that i dont need to be anything to anyone right now except being josh's mom.
if new patrick does not want me that is ok, better to find out now than down the road.
i open my heart up to the universe right now and let everyone know that i am ok with who i am and what i am doing.
i have to let go.
i cant make anyone like me... or dislike me
i cant will anyone to call me
i cant control anyone but myself
i am a strong confident attractive woman who has many redeeming qualities for both friendship and couple relationship
i know this about me and i am ok with it.
i am ok with who i am and the fact that i dont need to be anything to anyone right now except being josh's mom.
if new patrick does not want me that is ok, better to find out now than down the road.
i open my heart up to the universe right now and let everyone know that i am ok with who i am and what i am doing.
i have to let go.
i cant make anyone like me... or dislike me
i cant will anyone to call me
i cant control anyone but myself
i am a strong confident attractive woman who has many redeeming qualities for both friendship and couple relationship
i know this about me and i am ok with it.
update
ok so church was tough for me
you know me, i always cry at church and i felt the need again today
sometimes i really think i am too fragile to go thru all this dating stuff and the single mom stuff
i am overwhelmed with emotion, and none of it really any good right now.
when i write that sentence about me being too fragile i sometimes laugh because i can be such a hard person. i have dealt with so many obstacles and problems and abuse and feeling trapped, and i have over come all of that.
but on the other side of it all is this open wound, wanting and needing comfort and care and everything a relationship can bring.
i am back to the lonely/alone thing again.... i am never alone, i always have josh or jean or (old :)patrick and my mom and work and responsibilities.... i am never ever alone..... but i am lonely in the sense that i really want a boyfriend.
no i do not need one.... of course i dont need one.... i want one.
and is that so wrong.... no it is not.
although there is a 50/50 chance that there is nothing wrong with new patrick and i ... there is still the 50/50 chance that i screwed it all up the other night.
if i did, then i guess it was not meant to be in the end because i was just acting like myself.... no one put me up to those words that i said.... yes i could have chosen better times to say those words but i did not and i cant redo it.
needless to say i have not gotten a call back yet... and honestly i dont expect one.... not for good or bad reasons, i just dont think he will call me today at all.
my new plan is to text, not sure what to say but maybe suggest watching his shows together again tomorrow night because i had fun with him last week.... and/or call again sometime way before bedtime and see what happens then....
i could talk to him today and nothing could be wrong at all... this could very well happen.... or the horrific opposite, he wont call ever again, leave me hanging, and then i have to start all over again.
you know me, i always cry at church and i felt the need again today
sometimes i really think i am too fragile to go thru all this dating stuff and the single mom stuff
i am overwhelmed with emotion, and none of it really any good right now.
when i write that sentence about me being too fragile i sometimes laugh because i can be such a hard person. i have dealt with so many obstacles and problems and abuse and feeling trapped, and i have over come all of that.
but on the other side of it all is this open wound, wanting and needing comfort and care and everything a relationship can bring.
i am back to the lonely/alone thing again.... i am never alone, i always have josh or jean or (old :)patrick and my mom and work and responsibilities.... i am never ever alone..... but i am lonely in the sense that i really want a boyfriend.
no i do not need one.... of course i dont need one.... i want one.
and is that so wrong.... no it is not.
although there is a 50/50 chance that there is nothing wrong with new patrick and i ... there is still the 50/50 chance that i screwed it all up the other night.
if i did, then i guess it was not meant to be in the end because i was just acting like myself.... no one put me up to those words that i said.... yes i could have chosen better times to say those words but i did not and i cant redo it.
needless to say i have not gotten a call back yet... and honestly i dont expect one.... not for good or bad reasons, i just dont think he will call me today at all.
my new plan is to text, not sure what to say but maybe suggest watching his shows together again tomorrow night because i had fun with him last week.... and/or call again sometime way before bedtime and see what happens then....
i could talk to him today and nothing could be wrong at all... this could very well happen.... or the horrific opposite, he wont call ever again, leave me hanging, and then i have to start all over again.
thinking again
why is it that i dont think i am worth a relationship with a nice guy?
why does this all matter so much to me?
why cant i just let it happen?
when do i finally let go and say, ok if he wants me he will call me?
maybe that day is today....
i called, left a breezy message last night and basically put it in his court
how long do i wait
how long can i wait
if i did not like him so much none of this would matter, but i do
i am off to walk to get my coffee and then to church and then to lunch with wendy
i pray for the patience i need, want, desire to have this day.... and every day.
why does this all matter so much to me?
why cant i just let it happen?
when do i finally let go and say, ok if he wants me he will call me?
maybe that day is today....
i called, left a breezy message last night and basically put it in his court
how long do i wait
how long can i wait
if i did not like him so much none of this would matter, but i do
i am off to walk to get my coffee and then to church and then to lunch with wendy
i pray for the patience i need, want, desire to have this day.... and every day.
i did it
i called
got voicemail
i was breezy
i got no return phone call
it was late
10pm
it's ok
i will be busy tomorrow till 3
that will be good
keep my mind off it
so i wait
that's how i roll
got voicemail
i was breezy
i got no return phone call
it was late
10pm
it's ok
i will be busy tomorrow till 3
that will be good
keep my mind off it
so i wait
that's how i roll
Saturday, June 7, 2008
again
me again
so i have not called yet.... dont know if i should be happy or sad or proud or angry at myself.... just been keeping busy all day. this is a good thing.... i spent money i did not have. saw a movie, prince caspian... it was quite good. a war movie for all ages :)
josh got mad at me and told me he hated me.... has not done that in a really long time... last time he did he apologized... this time he did not.
i know it is his age... but it is getting really hard for me to be both mom and dad.... and i know that he would be better off (maybe not better behaved but better off) with a man in his life.... i went to the cemetery where my dad is buried... spent some time there under the copper beech tree. 1999. that is when he passed away... 2 days before my birthday.... i remember it like it was yesterday... i remember the sadness and anger i had in my heart that day.... josh was 4. i cried today for the first time in a while... i needed to do it.
-----------------------------
the breeze through the leaves
of the copper beech tree
rustles the leaves and lifts the branches
high
the breeze cools my face on this hot day
it lifts my spirit just a little bit
it lifts me up so that i think
that if there were more
more breeze
more wind
that i might lift off the ground into the heavens
but it does not
i am here
rooted like the great big copper beech tree
that i stand under
my head is swimming
groggy with thought
i feel as though the sun shining through
the leaves of the tree
is shining right into my head,
my soul,
my heart
telling me that it will be ok
i sit on the marble monument of
another family gone by
looking up at the leaves
rustle in the the breeze
and the sun sparkling behind them
hoping that everything will be ok
------------------------------
i cried because i miss my dad, and because i miss love in my life, and because i sometimes seem too fragile for this dating scene.... alot of my friends who are married tell me that they do not envy me at all having to go thru all of this.... the judgement, the wondering, the learning to trust someone new with your heart.... and the fun fun diseases you can get now too.....
so i am going to get settled, cool down a bit and call... i have to have my breezy voicemail message ready so i dont sound nerdy or desperate or anything like that.
and i just have to realize that if he does not call back, that is life.... but i think he will, just maybe not today.... i hope he does... up until i opened my big mouth everything was going really well.... at least i thought it was.
question..... what happens to the limes in the corona bottles when it is time to recycle them?
so i have not called yet.... dont know if i should be happy or sad or proud or angry at myself.... just been keeping busy all day. this is a good thing.... i spent money i did not have. saw a movie, prince caspian... it was quite good. a war movie for all ages :)
josh got mad at me and told me he hated me.... has not done that in a really long time... last time he did he apologized... this time he did not.
i know it is his age... but it is getting really hard for me to be both mom and dad.... and i know that he would be better off (maybe not better behaved but better off) with a man in his life.... i went to the cemetery where my dad is buried... spent some time there under the copper beech tree. 1999. that is when he passed away... 2 days before my birthday.... i remember it like it was yesterday... i remember the sadness and anger i had in my heart that day.... josh was 4. i cried today for the first time in a while... i needed to do it.
-----------------------------
the breeze through the leaves
of the copper beech tree
rustles the leaves and lifts the branches
high
the breeze cools my face on this hot day
it lifts my spirit just a little bit
it lifts me up so that i think
that if there were more
more breeze
more wind
that i might lift off the ground into the heavens
but it does not
i am here
rooted like the great big copper beech tree
that i stand under
my head is swimming
groggy with thought
i feel as though the sun shining through
the leaves of the tree
is shining right into my head,
my soul,
my heart
telling me that it will be ok
i sit on the marble monument of
another family gone by
looking up at the leaves
rustle in the the breeze
and the sun sparkling behind them
hoping that everything will be ok
------------------------------
i cried because i miss my dad, and because i miss love in my life, and because i sometimes seem too fragile for this dating scene.... alot of my friends who are married tell me that they do not envy me at all having to go thru all of this.... the judgement, the wondering, the learning to trust someone new with your heart.... and the fun fun diseases you can get now too.....
so i am going to get settled, cool down a bit and call... i have to have my breezy voicemail message ready so i dont sound nerdy or desperate or anything like that.
and i just have to realize that if he does not call back, that is life.... but i think he will, just maybe not today.... i hope he does... up until i opened my big mouth everything was going really well.... at least i thought it was.
question..... what happens to the limes in the corona bottles when it is time to recycle them?
saturday morning
alright so i made it thru one more day.... i was totally freaked out by what i had asked him and i spent the day trying to rationalize maybe why i did it at that particular moment as opposed to any other freaking moment in the whole world, and i got reassurance from my two moral supporters jean and (my) patrick..... and today i am not as freaked out as much.
i am hoping he took it as a compliment and maybe is giving it some thought :)
josh came home last night and we spent the evening together.... it was nice. i went to sleep probably around 10 which was nice too, and a miracle compared to how late i am up lately.... slept till 7:00 and now i am coloring my hair... which i was going to leave for something to do tonight but i said what the hell and did it now instead. spending time with josh was nice and it kept my mind off things with new patrick.... and i am sure he was busy with his boys too.
josh has a lesson at 10 and then i told my mom i would do her shopping and then i think josh and i are going to see a movie.... either prince caspian or indy.... then he will go to her house till tomorrow morning when we have church, then i am taking wendy out for her birthday lunch, with money i dont have.... damn low income.... i hate it!
so anyway... this will leave me with about 6-10 hours of prime time waiting around with nothing to do.... i do plan to call him later just to chat and see how his weekend is going... but who knows if he will answer or remember to call me back... he is slightly forgetful.....
so what will i do with myself from about 3 or 4 today till i go to bed......??? i have no idea.....
i suppose i could go to the storage space and do some cleaning.... if it is not raining out... supposed to be a million degrees today.... yuck!
there are alot of things i could do, cleaning, organizing, bla bla bla.... i hate being broke.... cant go shopping or out to eat at all....
so lets get down to it... the heart of the matter.... how i am feeling about this relationship that has started with the new patrick.... i really like him.... alot. he is funny, and kind, and cute, and tall, and flirty, and all the good things you would want in a man..... he also has pluses like he is employed, has his own place without roommates, has young kids so he can relate to what i am going thru with josh, is a good father, eats healthy, works out, dresses well.... he also seems to really like me, and likes being with me.... we can talk really easily about anything.... i dont think i have anything to fear about what i said to him.... i think he will feel it was a compliment, i hope. i guess we will see if he calls me back or answers my call when i call him later today.
one thing i worry about is that he is such a nice guy and a good catch.... why would he settle for me... cause naturally i think very little of myself when it comes to relationships.... i know i know.... dont get all upset reading this.... i know i am a good catch myself. i know i am a good person and a good friend and i good listener and all the other things that you need to be good at to be a good girlfriend.... i know i am, i have that confidence.... but in relationships.... i have not had that much good luck.... so me as a person, sure i know i am a good catch.... but wanting to hang onto me, that is another story.... i guess i just have to be proven wrong by someone like new patrick, to show me that i am worth hanging on to. :)
with scott (ex husband) that whole thing was a disaster.... with zeke it was me settling for less than i deserved for far too long and with pete it was me getting into something with someone who was not ready for me at that time.
like everyone in the world i would love my next relationship to be my last. i am so ready to give everything i have got to it, i am so ready to find something that is so right.... this feels right to me... but it has to feel right to him too, and it is too soon to tell.... i hope that when we speak this weekend we will plan our next date.... i hope it is monday so we can watch those shows together again and just hang around.... that was so comfortable to me.
please think of me this weekend when you are out and about doing your weekend activities, and give a positive thought my way.... i could be on the edge of something really nice, really good, really right.... i hope that i am.
i am hoping he took it as a compliment and maybe is giving it some thought :)
josh came home last night and we spent the evening together.... it was nice. i went to sleep probably around 10 which was nice too, and a miracle compared to how late i am up lately.... slept till 7:00 and now i am coloring my hair... which i was going to leave for something to do tonight but i said what the hell and did it now instead. spending time with josh was nice and it kept my mind off things with new patrick.... and i am sure he was busy with his boys too.
josh has a lesson at 10 and then i told my mom i would do her shopping and then i think josh and i are going to see a movie.... either prince caspian or indy.... then he will go to her house till tomorrow morning when we have church, then i am taking wendy out for her birthday lunch, with money i dont have.... damn low income.... i hate it!
so anyway... this will leave me with about 6-10 hours of prime time waiting around with nothing to do.... i do plan to call him later just to chat and see how his weekend is going... but who knows if he will answer or remember to call me back... he is slightly forgetful.....
so what will i do with myself from about 3 or 4 today till i go to bed......??? i have no idea.....
i suppose i could go to the storage space and do some cleaning.... if it is not raining out... supposed to be a million degrees today.... yuck!
there are alot of things i could do, cleaning, organizing, bla bla bla.... i hate being broke.... cant go shopping or out to eat at all....
so lets get down to it... the heart of the matter.... how i am feeling about this relationship that has started with the new patrick.... i really like him.... alot. he is funny, and kind, and cute, and tall, and flirty, and all the good things you would want in a man..... he also has pluses like he is employed, has his own place without roommates, has young kids so he can relate to what i am going thru with josh, is a good father, eats healthy, works out, dresses well.... he also seems to really like me, and likes being with me.... we can talk really easily about anything.... i dont think i have anything to fear about what i said to him.... i think he will feel it was a compliment, i hope. i guess we will see if he calls me back or answers my call when i call him later today.
one thing i worry about is that he is such a nice guy and a good catch.... why would he settle for me... cause naturally i think very little of myself when it comes to relationships.... i know i know.... dont get all upset reading this.... i know i am a good catch myself. i know i am a good person and a good friend and i good listener and all the other things that you need to be good at to be a good girlfriend.... i know i am, i have that confidence.... but in relationships.... i have not had that much good luck.... so me as a person, sure i know i am a good catch.... but wanting to hang onto me, that is another story.... i guess i just have to be proven wrong by someone like new patrick, to show me that i am worth hanging on to. :)
with scott (ex husband) that whole thing was a disaster.... with zeke it was me settling for less than i deserved for far too long and with pete it was me getting into something with someone who was not ready for me at that time.
like everyone in the world i would love my next relationship to be my last. i am so ready to give everything i have got to it, i am so ready to find something that is so right.... this feels right to me... but it has to feel right to him too, and it is too soon to tell.... i hope that when we speak this weekend we will plan our next date.... i hope it is monday so we can watch those shows together again and just hang around.... that was so comfortable to me.
please think of me this weekend when you are out and about doing your weekend activities, and give a positive thought my way.... i could be on the edge of something really nice, really good, really right.... i hope that i am.
Friday, June 6, 2008
eek
ok, naturally, now i regret saying those things last night because
a) we dont have another date set to see each other
b) he has his kids all weekend
c) i am a jackass for saying those things so soon
i did call him once i got in bed and he was just getting home. i thanked him for coming with me tonight and i asked him (cant remember if i said 'scared him with my questions' or if i said 'upset him with my questions') either way he said 'not really'.... which probably means 'yes'.
well, needless to say, i am not well rested today, i am going to worry all weekend long, or at least until i hear from him again.... and i am kinda mad at myself for saying those things.
i can tell that he does like me quite a bit but .... you know me.... now i worry.... that's how i roll.
a) we dont have another date set to see each other
b) he has his kids all weekend
c) i am a jackass for saying those things so soon
i did call him once i got in bed and he was just getting home. i thanked him for coming with me tonight and i asked him (cant remember if i said 'scared him with my questions' or if i said 'upset him with my questions') either way he said 'not really'.... which probably means 'yes'.
well, needless to say, i am not well rested today, i am going to worry all weekend long, or at least until i hear from him again.... and i am kinda mad at myself for saying those things.
i can tell that he does like me quite a bit but .... you know me.... now i worry.... that's how i roll.
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