my life
in a nutshell these days
work home sleep work home sleep work home sleep work home sleep work home sleep
WEEKEND
repeat

been so busy with josh's band, trying to stay on a diet (counting calories), trying to have a life with burt and josh and burts kids, and the aformentioned work... it is hard to have time to stop and think
stop and listen to what is in my head

the only reason i have time to type right now is because burt is on a business trip in chicago, josh is in his room hanging out, i have no place to go to or be right this second and it is too early to go to bed.
sad state of affairs for the blog

paid my last car payment today, this is a turning point for me i hope because my car payment was $400 a month. that is a nice chunk of change to not have to pay out each month.
lots of stuff coming up this summer.
josh will be away essentially from june 25th thru aug 15. back here and there on weekend days, and one week of it we will all be out of state together at burts family cottage at the beach.

i keep thinking someday around the corner i am going to get a handle on my life, my bills will be caught up and there wont be any backlog of paperwork to go thru.
wont be any time right away tho.

wow
do i still have a blog?
wow

i never write anymore
things are going so well for me these days
nothing specatular, just regular old really great normal :)

got to the cape and spent time staring at the water, enjoying my guys
got to see sally but was not able to see sharyn or marcia.... next time i hope

this is the last official weekday of my vacation so i am spending it doing nothing exciting, just little bits here and there and coloring my hair
off to get josh soon to get ready for spending the weekend with burt.

life is good

so there i was
thinking that all the creativity has gone out of my body these days
thinking what i was like just one year ago when i started this blog
and thinking of one of the reasons i started it
caleb potter's blog
and i went to go check the big green page as i do every day that i go onto my computer and there is black letters .... caleb wrote on the blog himself
wow what a great day
what a great thing for me to see, to read
this boy (man) who had such a horrific head injury (among other things) who i feared would not make it some days
there were his words on the blog, i think for the first time other than a few words he typed a long time ago.
it was very uplifting to read his words and to know that he is out there appreciating me for reading what his mom has to write about their lives.
and i do
i do appreciate it all
cheers to caleb
and cheers to me
for making it thru a very long year with a very tough start
for cementing some friendships
for realizing my potential
for accepting my flaws and trying to deal with them
for braving the storm of what ever came my way
and for landing upright
in the end of the 12 months
with a wonderful man who is all i ever wanted
and who treats me with kindness and love

the road has been a long one
seems like much more than a year
but i am a much better person for everything that i went thru
for all the feelings i felt and all the tears that i shed

and thank you
for anyone who still reads my words

vacation is so close
i can almost taste it

it is so odd for me since i met burt
everything just works
everything is just natural with him
i dont count days any more till i can see him because i can always see him
i dont keep track of months with him because it does not matter, we are together and we want to be forever, so who cares how many months we have been together.
we always look to the future, we dont look back and dwell
the future is bright

josh and i dont fight nearly as much these days since fluffy is gone.
i know that tensions ran HIGH with all the problems that were caused
now they are not there anymore.
very odd and very sad but it was time

vacation is the cape, as usual
and we leave on saturday around 2pm and will get there by dinner
and we stay till wednesday
just a short vaca but i look forward to being with the man i love at the place i love so very much

looking forward to it.
very very much

fluffy

well i am home with fluffy, waiting

josh is at his bass lesson and at 4:30 i will pick him up with the dog and head to the vet

to have her put down at 5pm

this sucks

pets bring such joy to your lives and when it is time for them to go, it sucks

when we put morgan down it was very hard, she died in our arms and she was my very first baby, i had her for 18 and a half years

hobby went with scott in the divorce and he ended up having to put her down because of some disease that she had, he got another cat named callie and she lives with joan in stafford now.

keesha (fluffy) has been with us since josh was a year and a half. we always thought that they were the same age because the vet thought she was under 2 when we got her. she was a stray running loose in bloomfield. we got her at the pound. paid $35 for her.

when we went to have her fixed we found that she had already been fixed and healed very well.

when she tested positive for heartworm we had her treated.... twice.....

she has been here every step of the way with josh and i.

today i bid her goodbye

her legs are in very poor shape, she has lost all muscle tone in her back half. she has a hard time standing without falling over or leaning.

she has trouble with stairs and she has accidents.

i know this is the right thing to do, sure we could keep her for another month or two but it would only prolong it.

it is something no one ever wants to deal with, but as keesha's humans we have to take care of her and do what is best for her.

so i just took her outside for the last time in this apartment

and i took a few pictures of her

and i gave her a piece of cheese. (she has not had any food other than her dog food in over a year just to keep her stomach regular)

so as i send this off to the internet, i will go downstairs and give her another piece of cheese and we will get in the car to pick up josh.

she is a good dog

i will miss her very much.

thank you
so nice to know people still are reading
the weekend was wonderful to just relax and have no agenda at all
i did read about 2/3 of 'the shack' and i like it so far
will comment more on it when it is finished but it is a really cool take on the whole god, 3 in one thing, and forgiveness.... forgiving yourself....
but i look forward to the rest of the book, just now, i have no idea when i will have time to read the rest of it

keesha.... is getting worse, not taking her pills and there is blood in her urine, i know, too much information.
i had to carry her up the stairs 3 times today. i know it is the right decision.
josh is not camping this weekend so that he can spend time with her

josh's grades suck and he doesnt get it
well just math really
and he does not do homework and he doesnt hand in what he did
and i am going to scream pretty soon
this is driving me nuts

i need a vacation , a real one

getting ready for the day
have to go let fluffy out
so sad that her days are numbered
going to lunch with jean
then to stamford to see burt
i am still sick
and i hope to get over this soon....
jumping in the shower now
not sure why i am still writing here.... i dont think anyone reads it anymore :)
and the drama of relationships is nonexistant these days
only drama is josh and the dog and lack of money

so we have to put keesha (fluffy) down
she is a million years old and has trouble with her back legs and she has accidents all the time and lives in the kitchen only because of the accidents and she has no quality of life anymore
we picked march 30th
josh wants a week to treat her like a princess
i feel horrible but it is the right thing to do

every day i need it to be vacation
i cant wait for it to be vacation

going away tomorrow night
spending the night with burt at a hotel in stamford, he will be busy at a convention and i will veg in the room and read.
going to read 'the shack'
i have been told it is a quick read and i am looking forward to the down time

i feel as tho i have nothing to write anymore
and this saddens me
i love to write and i used to live for this blog
writing everything i was feeling
every little bump along the way was written here for me
and for you
who ever you are that might be reading this still

i am happy
so very freakin happy with burt
never happier in my life

and josh
well, i will survive with him
it is only a few years before he becomes a human again
and we will get thru it

work is work
but no drama really to speak of
and is this a bad thing really?
i dont know

how i loved to write in this blog
i would wait to get to my computer and just pour my soul out on this page

and when i started getting to know burt
i wrote
and wrote and wrote
emails to him
at a certain point i knew
this was the one for me
but even now he and i dont even write that much anymore.
we are together so there is no need to write.

but i still feel the loss of writing
and i can still write but i have a block
no drama .... no writing..... dilemma
hmmm
well, i will continue to write when the mood hits me and hopefully something of substance will show up here someday

going to get into bed early tonight
need to catch up on the zzzz's
long day tomorrow in new hampshire with the stage band
looking forward to lots of burt time :)

the weekend will be over in a flash .... again

no drama still these days, and this is a good thing since i dont think i could handle much drama
i am too tired to deal with it :)

looking forward very much to sitting on the sofa looking out the window at the bay sitting in front of the fire in the fireplace. cant wait.... but i gotta....

another busy weekend is upon us
busy night tonight after work and tomorrow burt and i will spend the entire day with josh and his sage park school stage band on a trip to university of new hampshire for jazz band competition
then we plan to sleep late on sunday
looking forward to that the most :)

it seems i am getting caught up slowly but surely with all the paperwork i have and responsabilities i have
there is no drama in my life as far as a relationship goes, so i dont have that added stress

wish i could catch up on much needed sleep tho

finally was able to schedule a massage with helena for the first time in about a year
it is so expensive that i find it hard to justify going, bills need to be paid before amy has some healthy down time on the massage table i guess
so when i get my money back from the irs, i try to schedule one.
funny, when i was married i went once a month for about 2 years.... wow, things have changed

did some needed shopping for the house and am now settled in with my concoction of sweet liquors milk and whipped cream and i am catching up on my blog and facebook

there is never enough time to do everything
never
there is always work to be done
that is why vacation is so great... well, going away for vacation, because there is no work to be done at the beach
unless it is your beach house and you have to do repairs.
the closest thing to work on vacation is shopping for groceries, dishes and packing up to come home
that is what i am looking forward to
getting to the cape, upacking after grocery shopping and having a glass of wine looking out the back window at the sunset over p-town with my love next to me
i just freaking cant wait for that

so here i sit
blogging while my son is at church serving on the altar.... hmmm
well, we had a really nice time last night meeting burts dad, he is a sweet guy
and after a long day of bed hunting for josh i finally found one i could afford that was comfortable
today i have to go to a meeting and lunch at church and i really dont feel like it
the sun is shining and the weather is not cold
so i came home to take care of fluffy and put our stuff away after another grand sleepover at burts house last night
i am almost ready to head back out to church and meet up with josh.

every day is full
every day keeps me running
i know when i get to the cape i will be able to slow down for a few days, but that is not for a month!!
i have to go back to my mantra of treating every weekend like a weekend away, even if you are at home
sometimes the housework and chores and errands take over for me tho

they days fly by lately
soooo much to do all the time
i think often of how it used to be, and tho i was not so tired
i was certainly sad alot
and tho i was not constantly busy
i was also not happy the way that i am today
this is the first full day that burt and i have not seen each other since we started dating and i got back from colorado.
it is weird not to have him here or me be there.
but tonight it just did not work out
josh and i had cub/scout commitments and burt was going to see a movie with his son at a time that was not convenient for me to come too
and it was the opening weekend for the movie and that sort of crowd is not my thing at all
so josh and i did 5 loads of laundry instead
tomorrow another busy day
josh is in his first stage band competition and i am excited for him
it is just in enfield so i will go up to watch the band play, but they will be there all day long
next weekend burt and i are going with the band to university of new hampshire for the other competition.
looking forward to that too.
tomorrow i get to meet burts father, i am a bit nervous but hey, what ya see is what ya get with me
so i guess i can only be myself.

head spinning
too much to do all the time
tonight was scouts.... again... boy does it piss me off to have to go back out in the cold at 9pm
oh well, he likes it

work is work, all that work on the new computer system and now they are going to wait 6-9 months. which means, not in the next 3 years... mark my words
well, at least i got to see the rocky mountains :)

burt is great, i am so happy with him
i have never been with someone who actually loves me
i mean scott loved me but i dont really think anyone else ever did.
it is a wonderful feeling, still a bit surreal but still wonderful

it is 10:06 and i did not get caught up with all my facebook stuff but i am going to crawl into bed now anyway... it will be there the next time i sign on for sure

this has been a trying weekend
filled with highs and lows
i am exhausted really
josh's birthday was yesterday
friday was fine
saturday was fine until about 2pm when josh decided to act like a 14 year old and make me want to shoot myself in the head
all was fine a few hours later and for the rest of the evening
but then this morning it started all over again
busy day with childrens sunday and lunch with joan and larry and dad
then errands
now i await dinner with burt and greg
i have a ton of stuff to do but what do i do instead,
type on my blog.... very bad prioratizing today
i cant help it
i am all discombobulated

the end of another day in the life
no cable, as of yesterday, but i wouldnt know cause i have not even checked it
it is nice to know i will be saving $60 a month now.
next, look at the cell phone bill and see what i can do to pare that down a bit

ready to go to bed, but first some computer catch up

burt is at d&d so i went out for the evening with josh, who will be 14 tomorrow... ugh... i am old

got to catch up with patrick too and that was nice

this coming month has alot going on, and i will be glad to see april and the anticipation of the cape awaits me

rainy day here in windsor
church and then meetings
now waiting for burt to arrive

days come and go and flow into each other
like the slow tides
i have to go back to work tomorrow
but i dont seem to mind too much
each day seems like a holiday to me these days

i delight in the little things like sitting on the sofa holding hands
or making dinner
i try to continue to be the best mom i can be, with the short temper that i am saddled with

wish the sun was out today, i hate the rain
i hate the lack of sunshine
i look at the laundry mountian and wonder when i will get around to doing that..... who knows
i hate to do laundry in the rain, it defeats the purpose when you have to bring your clean dry clothes into the rain (twice) to get them into the car and then into the apartment.

going to go shake the fridge and see what falls out for lunch today :)

for further clarification
eeyore was the one from mass that everything always went wrong for
'oh pooh, my tail fell off'
'oh pooh, my house blew down'
'oh pooh, i lost my job'
'oh pooh, i lost my voice'

rhode island guy was the professor, yet another lamo in the long line of lamo's from last year (or most of my life really)

but burt, well, he does rock!

this is the last official day of my vacation and here is what i learned
1) i have not turned my tv on for more than 1 hour total in the last 7-10 days.
2) thinking about cancelling my cable and seeing how that goes for a while, watch my dvd's etc, and then maybe subscribe to netflix to supliment my watching habit
3) it is great to have love in my life ... it is so freaking cool
4) i did not get to sleep late except for the sunday after valentines day, but that was ok because my days have been filled with hugs and kisses and caring and laughter (huh, what a concept)
5) teenagers can really suck sometimes
6) money sucks too, or the lack thereof
7) i was someones needle in the haystack
8) pool parties are not just for summertime

i seem to only get to use the computer every few days these days but i feel the need to blog more often now.... about good things.