the end of another day in the life
no cable, as of yesterday, but i wouldnt know cause i have not even checked it
it is nice to know i will be saving $60 a month now.
next, look at the cell phone bill and see what i can do to pare that down a bit

ready to go to bed, but first some computer catch up

burt is at d&d so i went out for the evening with josh, who will be 14 tomorrow... ugh... i am old

got to catch up with patrick too and that was nice

this coming month has alot going on, and i will be glad to see april and the anticipation of the cape awaits me

rainy day here in windsor
church and then meetings
now waiting for burt to arrive

days come and go and flow into each other
like the slow tides
i have to go back to work tomorrow
but i dont seem to mind too much
each day seems like a holiday to me these days

i delight in the little things like sitting on the sofa holding hands
or making dinner
i try to continue to be the best mom i can be, with the short temper that i am saddled with

wish the sun was out today, i hate the rain
i hate the lack of sunshine
i look at the laundry mountian and wonder when i will get around to doing that..... who knows
i hate to do laundry in the rain, it defeats the purpose when you have to bring your clean dry clothes into the rain (twice) to get them into the car and then into the apartment.

going to go shake the fridge and see what falls out for lunch today :)

for further clarification
eeyore was the one from mass that everything always went wrong for
'oh pooh, my tail fell off'
'oh pooh, my house blew down'
'oh pooh, i lost my job'
'oh pooh, i lost my voice'

rhode island guy was the professor, yet another lamo in the long line of lamo's from last year (or most of my life really)

but burt, well, he does rock!

this is the last official day of my vacation and here is what i learned
1) i have not turned my tv on for more than 1 hour total in the last 7-10 days.
2) thinking about cancelling my cable and seeing how that goes for a while, watch my dvd's etc, and then maybe subscribe to netflix to supliment my watching habit
3) it is great to have love in my life ... it is so freaking cool
4) i did not get to sleep late except for the sunday after valentines day, but that was ok because my days have been filled with hugs and kisses and caring and laughter (huh, what a concept)
5) teenagers can really suck sometimes
6) money sucks too, or the lack thereof
7) i was someones needle in the haystack
8) pool parties are not just for summertime

i seem to only get to use the computer every few days these days but i feel the need to blog more often now.... about good things.

weird day yesterday
lots of weird things happening
i am on vaca and things still seem surreal
i am still in awe of this new relationship and how freaking great it is.
and i have all this time on my hands this week to do what ever i want.
heard from eeyore last night
funny, he im'd me and we talked for about 15 minutes
turns out he is still thinking about me after all this time
and might get a job in windsor locks
i told him that i was sorry it did not work out for us but i am in a different place now, a better place and i am very happy with the relationship i am in.

kind of a nice feeling that i am 'the one that got away'
to someone. well i am pretty sure that zeke and jim might think that too
but hell.... people need to snap out of it and realize what they have when they have it
they need to act appropriately and not take people for granted.
even tho all those relationships ended on my terms, if i had stayed with any of them, it would not have been the right thing to do
what i am doing now is the right thing to do
burt is the one

its a new day
and as always before too long yesterday, josh had switched gears and all of a sudden he was human again by nightfall.
this is so tiring
he is still sleeping, as i type
burt is off to work and i need to get going so i can transfer money from one account to the other because josh's school cashed a check that they had had for over a month, and my account went into the red..... damn sage park middle school!
tomorrow is payday but today it is in the red, so i have to do high finances.... actually it will be sketchy until i get my refunds back. and thank god i will get some.....

as soon as i get it
there is a list
1) reservations at the cape for truro for april
2) josh needs a bed
3) catch up the orthodontist
4) save the rest and live off of it till it is gone.... which wont be long.

today josh has a hair appointment.... he wants to keep it long so it will be curious how he gets it cut. i dont mind if he wants to keep it long, it is his way of expressing himself.
his band played out last night at the blues jam, they were, as usual, great.

so i am off to hit the showers
no drama these days when it comes to my personal life
this is so nice and peaceful
this feels so 'right'
i dont question anything in this relationship, nothing at all
he is off to work and will be back home tonight
and i cant wait.

i think by far the hardest thing i have to do in my life is be the single (not single in the divorced sense of the word but single like ONLY) parent of joshua
it is the most trying thing in the world these days, and i know it is his age.
i know that every word i speak... is futile
every feeling i have ...unwarranted
every tear i shed... pay for this job
i know that he has angst, i understand this
but dear god help me deal with it
i know i am an ok mom but i highly doubt that i am a good mom
i know that in the future he will look back and remember the arguments, things said in anger, not really meant. i know this because i only remember the bad stuff from my childhood, not the good stuff.
i remember when my parents hit me like it was yesterday but i dont remember the fun times, the good times.... and i am sure there were many, but i remember none of them
that is the way we are, humans, we remember the traumatic things
those are the bits of our childhood that we carry with us.
or at least that is what i carry with me, and i can only imagine that those are the things that josh will remember about his teen years.... maybe with any luck he will block it all out
maybe he wont remember the hatred in the words that were spoken between us in the heat of an arguement that stems from his lack of respect for me, but he insists that i have no respect for him
an endless circle that cannot be broken, no matter how hard you scream or how many tears you cry

there is no way that you can understand what i am feeling unless you truly are a 'single' parent of a 13 year old boy. there is no one to send him to when i am exasperated
there is no one to back me up
there is no punisher but me
there is no fun parent but me
it is a fine line that i walk and it is really trying me today

my neck hurts from clenching my teeth
my eyes hurt from holding back tears
my throat hurts from yelling
and my body is tired
because this is tiring work

very odd feelings these days
feelings of security
happiness
joy
togetherness
coupledom
being wanted
being appreciated
being adored

things i am just sooo not used to

i think back to where i came from
from a marriage that sucked for years with a man who was an alcoholic and possibly bipolar
to an emotionally unavailable man for 3 years, because i figured no one would ever love me again
to a man who i thought was be all end all and turned out to be a lie
to a man who i thought i would be with forever because of the comfort level, but in reality he was just another 'broken wing' as gloria puts it
someone with issues that no one could have fixed

now have this man who is crazy about me and who is planning things in the future with me and i am too, and i have no doubts about any of it
like i said before i am going to ride this wave as long as i can
and i hope it lasts forever.
when do you realize that what you have in front of you is forever
when do you realize that what you have is magic

maybe you have to keep that in your heart every day, so that you remind yourself that he is in fact your magic
and this is the best i have ever felt in my life
how can that be?
i dont know
but i am so happy for it
and i am not letting go of this EVER

so i am about to go to bed
i await burt coming home after bowling with his friends
i am so happy with him and how things have turned out.
my heart is warm

work sucks lately but i have to deal, i have vacation next week and i cant wait
we have another demo of another software on wednesday so i have to get lots of work done tomorrow.
the bank statement showed up today but i probably wont get it finished before vaca.

i am very content right now.
i feel loved
i have not felt that in a long long long time.

so so so so freaking happy with burt
cant tell you how happy i am
we all spent the weekend together, he and his kids and me and mine
and we all get along so great and it all feels so natural
i cant explain but i just KNOW it is right.

came home today to an ominous box outside my door
wondered if it were something from zeke because i was expecting him to drop off a banner from the kids gig last month.
but no, upon closer inspection, it was a box filled with everything that i ever gave jim

in retrospect, i think, why didnt he just throw them away if he did not want to have them around the house anymore... what was the point of sending them back to me.
i am SO glad that i was not here when he dropped them off
i will not respond to this at all
i feel slighted but i also realize that if this is how he handles things, then it was certainly not a good match at all

i am not however deceived this time around, i know what i feel and how different it is for me this time.

i am trying to get my papers ready for my taxes, accountant coming tomorrow night ... nothing like waiting till the last minute.

and i HAVE to go thru my mail ..... eek!

i am on a mission today, 5 loads of laundry, color my hair, go thru paperwork to get ready for taxes on monday.... pay bills, ugh!
plus do my mom's shopping and my shopping and fill mom's pill box

i have about 5 hours to do it all.... and it CAN be done.

things are going really well with burt
jim contacted me yesterday via email, and it kind of ruffled me
i mean i know that if i was not with burt i would be right back with jim, waiting, again.
he is a great guy, he is just not in a position to have a girlfriend
he cant devote enough time.
and to want me back in the same situation again is very selfish of him.
i do not feel like i wasted any time with jim
i feel it all happened for a reason and taught me lessons i needed to learn
i know i would not be in the place that i am right now if i did not go thru the last 6 months the way that i did.
so many wonderful things have happened to me in the last year.
how do we end up in the places we end up? lucky, fate? who knows

all i know is that i am in a relationship now that is what i always wanted a relationship to be, our kids get along with each other and he and i get along very well too.

well i am off to complete my mission....

i hate being sick
my throat hurts and i know i have a sinus infection
today is my docs day off so if i do choose to go in i wont get to see him anyway
i have been fighting this thing for a week, in was inevitable that i finally got it

i am not looking forward to dealing with work and the software issues that i am immersed in. it has turned into a can of worms i really dont want to deal with anymore, but unfortunatley, because they sent me to colorado for this, i have to be involved.

i would give anything to just go back to bed right now.

and i missed burt last night :(
BUT i will see him tonight with any luck :)

how the hell can things be so good
how the hell can things just change up so much that they are so different
and so loving and caring and fun and exciting?
what did i do right along the way to have this?

i am NOT arguing at all.

just had a great evening with my new guy and his kids and my kid
everyone got along. it was GREAT
there is no other word for it.

i will miss him tonight, but i know there are things that have to be done, like getting up for work and school, and i know that i will be with him again tomorrow evening

again i say, how the hell did this just drop into my lap?
damn i am lucky!

ok i will stop ranting now.... although.... i really do feel freaking lucky.

i have lost my voice tho, probably those screams of anger when i got into my car at 5 that blew it away.... just took all night to catch up with me.
freakin software decisions..... hate them!

WELL....
here i am
i'm back.

so much has happened
but in a nutshell, i broke up with jim and started dating a wonderful man who thinks i am 'all that and a bag of chips' :)

it was a hard few weeks, i was growing closer to my new man and growing further apart from jim. i was realizing that jim really did not have the time in his life for a girlfriend, and when he did have the time it was all on his terms.
no one liked that i was in this relationship, no one.
and as time went on they all told me so. some louder than others.
and the point hit home

in the mean time i was getting to know this new man as a person, as a wonderful needy person just like me. needing companionship but not necessarily a date.
we got to know each other, inside and out, not litterally but we got into each others heads pretty deep. it was amazing to get to know someone in that fashion. mostly email, facebook.
i could tell there was something there and yet i knew the situation i was in and that i needed to keep my head straight.

as time went on we really started to fall for each other. it was the best feeling in the world. it still is.

when breaking up with jim, he understood the situation and told me he knew that i deserved more. he told me that he loved me and he told me that he would miss me.
it was very sad, i have not cried that much in a long long long time..... it seemed i cried more than when mother fucking pete dumped me.

but since that day, it has been like a window was opened and fresh air has come in, blowing thru my mind, clearing the cobwebs. letting the sunshine into my head.

i dont know where this will lead. as most times i dont know..... but i am riding this wave as far as it will take me. hopefully for the long haul.