i think by far the hardest thing i have to do in my life is be the single (not single in the divorced sense of the word but single like ONLY) parent of joshua
it is the most trying thing in the world these days, and i know it is his age.
i know that every word i speak... is futile
every feeling i have ...unwarranted
every tear i shed... pay for this job
i know that he has angst, i understand this
but dear god help me deal with it
i know i am an ok mom but i highly doubt that i am a good mom
i know that in the future he will look back and remember the arguments, things said in anger, not really meant. i know this because i only remember the bad stuff from my childhood, not the good stuff.
i remember when my parents hit me like it was yesterday but i dont remember the fun times, the good times.... and i am sure there were many, but i remember none of them
that is the way we are, humans, we remember the traumatic things
those are the bits of our childhood that we carry with us.
or at least that is what i carry with me, and i can only imagine that those are the things that josh will remember about his teen years.... maybe with any luck he will block it all out
maybe he wont remember the hatred in the words that were spoken between us in the heat of an arguement that stems from his lack of respect for me, but he insists that i have no respect for him
an endless circle that cannot be broken, no matter how hard you scream or how many tears you cry
there is no way that you can understand what i am feeling unless you truly are a 'single' parent of a 13 year old boy. there is no one to send him to when i am exasperated
there is no one to back me up
there is no punisher but me
there is no fun parent but me
it is a fine line that i walk and it is really trying me today
my neck hurts from clenching my teeth
my eyes hurt from holding back tears
my throat hurts from yelling
and my body is tired
because this is tiring work
1 comment:
Oh, Amy, I have been there as the single parent with a 13 yr old. It was awful, and so isolating. I remember days, of the yelling, horrible words said, me finally in my room, door closed, sobbing my heart out to the Parent Hotline. It helped a lot! I was so afraid of losing it over the whole situation. I swear that it is the job of 13 year olds to do this to parents. I did it to my parents.
All I can say is I had to find humor in the whole thing, and it saved me. Talking to other parents helped me. I used to think I was alone in it all, but not so.
Today that son is 38, and the most wonderful son, husband and new father. He tried me to the very limits of my patience...
You captured the dynamics perfectly in what you wrote....this too shall pass.
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