so i have been thinking these days about the way my life has turned.... for the better.
i think if how i was when i was married, always walking on egg shells and wondering what would happen next in my life. always hoping for a calm normal day or night and never having one.... ever
i think of how it was when i dated zeke and how much i wanted us to be together, really together and he was never able to give that to me. how i really tried to make it work no matter what and it was never 'right', it was never what i was looking for.
i think of how i felt with pete, how he promised me the world and i believed him. how i gave him everything i had for those few months and when he dumped me i felt crushed like i would never love again. like i would never have the will to do anything ever again. how every damn thing i did reminded me of him.
i remember going to the cape and feeling that this was the only place where i could be that did not remind me of him.
i also remember how i felt when i came back from the cape and decided to go onto match.com
and how each man i dated i felt a connection with and how i really wanted to make this one 'work' but they never did.
how eyeore always had so many issues that he didnt have time for me and he just faded away. how the professor never had time for me either. and how jim could not let me into his life fully. always kept at arms length made me feel inadequite. they all made me feel like i was not enough of a woman for them, like i could not play a part in their lives. i was not worthy.
and when i met burt, how i felt like i could be myself and i could feel wanted and loved and like i was enough for him and i was worthy of being in a relationship.
everything melted into something good.
now, months and months later i have been contacted by all of them.
eyeore contacted me via email/IM telling me he messed up and i was his needle in a haystack and he didnt even know it.
the professor contacted me via text message asking if i wanted to get together and he missed me..... MISSED ME... HAHAHAHAHA he barely ever saw me or talked to me on the phone and he didnt even know me.... how can you miss me.
and jim contacted me once via email saying he was looking for a freind to talk to, but i was not online at the time so i missed it.
and pete.... every time pete is in the waterbury branch, he asks about me, quite often.
i think it is so funny and odd that these people didnt want to be with me but they regret their actions after the fact.
i also think it is funny how the means of contact these days especially if you are embarassed to contact someone is via technology rather than a regular phone call.
and i think it is wonderful that i am able to be with a man who loves me for me
who wants to be with me
enjoys me
and i can be myself with him.

i have thought alot about this stuff lately, and wonder how they all are. being the good person that i am, i hope that they are ok and they are happy and find what ever it is that they are looking for....even pete, the one who crushed me more than anything ever has in my life.

i strive for some sort of peace in my heart and i think i have it pretty good right now.