well we worked last evening till dark, we starting early today and stopped around 4:30 because we could not lift the stones anymore.
it was not as creative as i had hoped but it feels good to do manual labor.
we raked and evened up the land, staked out the area we were thinking of covering, this morning i got up early and laid out all the fabric, and then we put a layer of crushed stone on top of that. then we started laying the giant slabs of stone. they weighed a ton and we are very tired now. we are not done by a long shot but we are spent for the day.
tomorrow we will finish laying the stones and then even up the surface with more crushed glass... the fill the veins and be done with it..... maybe :)

first day of working on the yard
we (burt) mowed it very low and we raked up the sticks etc so they dont rot under our patio
burt chopped at some roots and we debated how to put it all together.
i am excited to start on the next step which is after we get it cleared of stumps etc we can put down the fabric and then a thin layer of crushed glass
then we can start to put the big flagstones together like a big giant puzzle
i look forward to moving on
it is an exciting time for me
this is creative and exercise and makes my heart pound :)

i am feeling that i like to write each day again like i used to when i was blogging about my crusades in the world of match.com

there is an anonymous commenter to my blog these days and i am not sure who it is, so if you do comment again, please let me know who you are
i am glad that someone is still reading and sharing this journey with me :)

i feel like my journey is turning a corner these days, i feel that i am doing my best to keep a handle on things, and still try to write and be creative. still enjoy the summer, even tho it is half over already!

i do miss josh when he is away all week at camp. he is only home the one day each week and i am glad he is having fun working at camp but i do miss him. but i do not miss the hounding him to do his homework... i dont miss that a bit!

so we are on our way to getting our patio
i arranged the crushed glass today and about half of it was delivered, it is so cool, nothing like i planned. it is very small, like sand almost and white and shiny when the sun hits it.
then we ordered two pallets of flagstone, two different colors.
we are going to put down some fabric then a thin layer of the crushed glass, then the stones will go in like puzzle pieces and then more crushed glass between them.
i cant wait to get started!!
this will be a creative experience for me!!
and once it is done, it will be a creative space for me to enjoy.....

so today was the first day back
i did get up and exercise, that was a good thing
but i ate too much and my stomach hurts and i dont feel like doing anything productive right now.
we were going to go to the jam at the hungry tiger but i am not feeling up to it tonight.
it is already 9:04 and i have tons of laundry to fold and i have tons of paperwork to do.... and yet i sit here blogging and facebooking instead.

not creative at all today, but i have good intentions and maybe they will show themselves tomorrow.
i did not sleep well last night, i was worried the alarm would not go off since it had been so long since i had used one :)

work was not as bad as i had expected it to be, maybe another day and i will be caught up and be able to get back to making collection calls again. that will be good. i like to be caught up at work so at least that part of my life is 'in place'

todays poem was actually written a few days ago
i am not feeling this way today but i did want to post it
tomorrow i am back to work and i am not looking forward to it, but it has to be done and i will just try to take my new stance on things starting tomorrow
i will get up early and exercise
then off to work to do my very best in the time i am given
josh gets his braces off tomorrow and then i bring him back to camp tomorrow night
i will do some house work every day but i will also leave time to play and time to write
----------------

anger rises in me
pulse quickens and then heat fills my face
I try to calm down and I usually can
but sometimes I have to say what is on my mind
sometimes I have to speak the words that will make me feel better
when I do this I wonder if I am wrong
I wonder if I should have just kept quiet
but when I am angry, I cannot help speaking my feelings
and I know that I might anger someone else in the process
but I have to show my emotions somehow
I cannot hit someone
or throw things
I need to express how I feel with my words

well we are home
at least josh and i are home
burt left about 2 hours after we left but i expect him home soon
again i feel that all the wind is out of my sails now that i am home
i hate that feeling
back to the humdrum

burt is home now and we are putting things away slowly
we are going to meet jean at Angelico's lake house and see a band called
asylum hill. it will be nice but i dont want to stay late
just a short visit with jean and hear a few songs, maybe get something to eat too.
josh rode his bike to a friends house around the way and he is supposed to be home by 6:30... it is currently 6:27

i do have some inspiration here at home
i have the back yard with the birds and bunnies etc
it is like looking into the woods when you look out our back door.
but the ocean is really what inspires me, although it really didnt this past week
i only wrote
maybe i didnt take out the paints because it was so close in the cottage and i didnt feel i could spread out like i needed to.
i am self conscious about how my painting looks and i dont really like people to look over my shoulder while i am painting and there certainly would be few people there to make a comment or two.... even if they were good comments, still they would be comments.
it makes me self conscious and makes me not want to paint unless i am alone.
silly

so i just finished my book
it was really good
i once again have a fondness for molly ringwald
in the end of the book she touches on 'what did you want to be when you grew up'
and it is really only a few sentences but it had reiterated what i have been harping on myself these last few months
what do i want to be, what do i want to do
i am still not really sure
but i do enjoy reading and never have the time to do much of it
i think i will start with trying to rearrange my days
not much i can do with the my work day
it is what it is
but before i go to work and once i get home, that time is mine, and i can arrange it and do what i want with it.
this summer it is easier because of the time off from school, josh's school i mean, and the enforcement of homework etc etc which drives me insane
but in the summer while he is at camp and the few weeks after camp before school starts i still have time to just relax and get into a regular schedule.
if i can do that, maybe i will be happier
i would love to cook dinner every night, i like a home cooked meal better than eating out unless it is something i really cant cook well.
and it is cheaper and better for us if i cook in.
i would love to get a grill and maybe we will purchase one after we get back.
i would like to have time each day to exercise
and do some stretching like yoga etc, i think this will be good for me
and i would like time to read
and time to do a craft or paint a room in the house each week.
these are all things to think about
i can try to put them into action
------------
today's poem

In search of...


A bumble bee flies past my window
the row of sea spray roses outside had
mostly all gone by
the low shrubs covered with the
plump pale orange rose hips
only a few last roses of summer remain
funny how they are the last roses of summer
yet it is not even the end of July yet

the bumble bounces
from branch to branch
to find a rose to dive into
he finds a group of three
he dives in
whole body completely engulfed in the roses
pretty bright pink petals
he rummages around in there
in circles
gathering the stuff he is looking for
then he hops out and tries the next two flowers in the cluster
the other two obviously do not have as much content as the first

while he is bustling around
he disrupts other bugs from their slumbering spots
he is on a mission
when he is done with these three flowers
he moves on down the line
looking for one more
last rose of summer

so i got a new book today
'getting the pretty back' by molly ringwold
i have been devouring the book, it is written so that i can understand it well, which is hard for me to find books like that
and she seems so nice too.
she writes about how as time goes on, and you get older, you can loose your 'pretty' whatever form it may have taken at any point in your life, and it is possible to get the pretty back in your life again. be an authentic person and be yourself.

it is thursday of our vacation week and it is so sad to know that we have to go home soon
it is wonderful that we have this available to us, i feel very privileged to have the opportunity to be here.
i hope that we can come back again in the fall.
i have not felt the creative bug as much as the last few times i was near the shore
maybe it is because i have decided that my creativity is mainly in the form of words and beading and maybe something with beading and words combined.
i do not have the talent to draw so anything that contains drawing is not going to work for me
but i can paint a picture with my words pretty well

watching these teenagers interact is very interesting
you have popular and not so popular
you have geek and cool
you have leaders and followers
it is funny how the geek and not popular tend to not follow
maybe it is just my opinion

i can hear the waves still in the background as the kids play hearts and the chairs squeak. i hear the wind in the low trees as the crickets chirp.

this vacation is irritating me

a house full of people
rain falling outside the window
singing, talking, laughing
playing cards and game all around me
why do i always pass
why am i never the one to play a game
i would rather watch, or listen
maybe it is the fear of loss
or the fear of messing up

thunder rumbles outside
the old ferry lumbers out into the open waters
the breeze feels good on my arms
that are a little bit burned from the sun earlier today
visibility is still quite good
considering
it is wednesday
of our week at the beach
with a million people
tempers flair
personalities conflict
but then it settles
by the end of the week
we have all had a wonderful time but
we are also ready to go home and get away
from the rest of the crowd

the sprinkles of rain on the deck
are random
and cool
i do not see the lightening, i only hear the thunder
finishing reading my book is coming slowly
i am so close but i just cant finish it, i keep falling alseep
maybe i just dont want to finish it without another book to read, and it is
only wednesday
tomorrow.... book store

-----------
see this is what i mean, i only have my words, and how interesting are they really?
i am hoping by writing that maybe i can see into myself and see why i do what i do and why i want to be creative so badly.

they are all going to a movie tonight and i am going to stay here
time on my own is a good thing at this point.

so it is wednesday already and how creative have i been so far.... zip
i have been reading when ever i have a spare moment and i have blogged a little but no painting this time, so far.
it has been so busy, which for a vacation that is never good.
lots of visitors and lots of things to do, lots of trips to the grocery store, lots of noise.
so i have not had enough down time to actually want to get the paints out. and even if i did i have no idea what to paint.
very often i think my only creative outlet will be writing.
but also very often i have no idea what to write about that is interesting to anyone but me.
maybe that is the key, write about what is interesting to only me and then if someone else likes it then great, if not, at least i was writing.

so i sit here in the cottage, ben is up and has been up for hours probably, he is shuffling his magic cards. josh was awake a minute ago but back to snoring again. paco is still sleeping on the fold out, all the other kids are still sleeping in the back room and burt is in the shower. it is 8:30AM and i am ready to go, but not everyone else yet apparently.
i usually am up early. even on weekends when we dont have to get up i am never sleeping past 9. but i went to sleep early last night around 9:30 so when everyone else stayed up till 1:30 i had a jump on the sleep.
i have been reading my book, which as usual, is a teen book. i always seem to like them better than adult novels. not sure why. maybe because they are less confusing.
and i helped fight the killer mosquitoes to bring the garbage to the end of the driveway.
those are my accomplishments so far today.
hoping to do something mildly creative sometime soon.
it is a foggy day so far, burt said it will burn off but i am not so sure about that.

the following is a creativity journal i wrote when i was at the beach a few weeks ago.
i wrote it by hand in a small notebook
i never write by hand, i hate it.
i have transcribed it here......

Creativity or lack there of...

I want to be an artist but I dont know how. I can make jewelry but how creative is stringing beads in a pattern.... or randomly? If I were to paint, what would I paint. Nd do I have any talent for it? I have written poetry before I remember a time that I could picture the salt marshes at the cape so vividly in my head that I just felt stifled because I had to get that image out of my head and on to paper somehow. I remember sitting on my front porch on lovell ave on a sunny morning – writing the poem that expressed the colors that were drilled into my head. It flowed so freely from my pen. And it expressed what I was seeing in my head and me heart.

I am sitting right now on the beach in jerusalem ri looking at the dunes and dune grass. The blue of the sky contrasts with the pale shimmering green of the dune grass and the tan of the sand. I can take a picture of this scene but it does not describe the wind at my back and the smell of salt air and the sunscreen in my nose. It does not describe the gentle waving of the grass in the breeze. As each strand moves – it shimmers with the noonday sunlight upon them. I am thinking of trying mixed media. Maybe paintings w/flat fiber optic beads glued to it. Or maybe mobiles or chimes made from beads. To sell or just enjoy. I like photography but I am no professional and there are so many photograhers out there, what would make my photos special or unique. I enjoy the birds in our backyard. I cannot draw or paint them but I could take pictures of them. I enjoy being by the sea. It brings out the artist in me. And here I am with no media other than pen and paper and a camera and my words.
I used to write a blog and I enjoyed it. I kept up with it daily bur my life is so stable that there is no daily drama that unfolds worth writing about. Technology is not by thing. I deal with it every day but my art will not come from it.

I enjoy collecting rocks and shells either found on the beach or purchased. I would like to do something with these also. Th art in my head is not artificial at all. I enjoy nature – all aspects of it. I enjoy the look of shimmering fish in water, sand and sun, green trees on a summer day.

The waves are full of seaweed now so they are not clear and blue anymore, they are murky and filled with strands of reddish black. But the smell is heavenly. That deep salty smell reminds me of comfort and the warmth of the sun. people walk along the beach talking, holding hands, the shimmer of the sin is wider now because it is lower in the sky.

Maybe I can do something with sand. I saw at tree's place some snowflakes that were molded of sand. They were xmas ornaments and they were from all the different beaches along the cape. I am not sure how they glued them without the glue showing.

I will hav eto google how to make a mobile or wind chimes properly. Make a prototypes.

I cant believe I have been 'hand writing' this for so long. I hate to write things by hand. No one can ever read it including me!

Gentle breeze
blows thru my hair
and makes the fabric of my clothes billow softly
the thunderous noise of the ferry boats
roar in a low tone
as they idle out past
the breakwater
the white noise of the constant waves
lapping against the shore
the splish splash of a child running thru the water
the low chatting of passers by or neighbors on a towel
I can hear them
but I cant make out what they are saying

families spending time together
lovers on a day trip
best friends bonding
fishermen casting into the waves
playing in the water and sand
reading a good book
or writing their thoughts
the sand is alive
constantly changing
building up and washing away
the wind blows the flags
to the right of me
I close my eyes and listen
as the ferry is so far away now
that you can barely hear its roar.
Its partner, the huge
older ferry glides slowly
past the breakwater without a sound



so I just too a little nap and I feel refreshed but groggy
I am wondering how much of this book I can fill.
It is so relaxing and so calming to be here
I cant wait to be here for a whole week
I always feel more creative when I am at the beach and I am not sure why
people are leaving the beach now, it is late afternoon and dinner time. Only a few stragglers
in the water. People shaking out towels and blankets, packing up chairs and umbrellas
I could sit here all night long
as the moon rises high in the sky and the stars twinkle in the black sky.

So after all this creative thought this weekend, where does this leave me?
Am I any different than before?
Will I act on the ideas, thoughts and words I wrote here?
Or will every thing remain the same andi will still feel the need for creativity in my life?
I do not want my art, what ever I choose to do, to be a job or a chore.
I want a creative outlet to make beautiful things for my home and family
with the total immersion of left brain activity all day long with my job, I need some right brain play when I get home
today is hazy and not as bright and shimmery as yesterday. But still do peaceful at the shore
the salt air fills my nose and makes me smile. The waves are ever present, and peaceful ever thought they are filled with red seaweed.
It is so enjoyable being here.

After a weeknd at the cape more ideas
drill holes in beach stones and make jewelry
recycled glass , need a kiln
paint – watercolors -
frames with black grout and beads or tiles to decorate them
mobiles
I also realized I need a creative space
work bench, need pics of ocean etc to get me in the mood
backyard
stone, planters, birds, firepit

day one is mostly over and it was a great beach day. ben came up with his parents so now josh has his friend here, this is a good thing. we still have a few extra visitors but we will pare down to our core people who will be here the rest of the week.
i am feeling relaxed at least for now. i can read, or blog, or paint or just nap, these are all things that are relaxing for me.

at the beach finally after all the packing and the heat ... now we get to relax.
i have creative things with me, watercolors and writing....
everything is put away and we dont have any responsabilities today
just get to sit and relax.
going for a walk..

back from the walk, the shipwreck on our beach is quite visible and very cool. burt got into an altercation with some guy taking peices off of it. he said 'what are you doing this has been here for a hundred years' it was a slight altercation but an altercation none the less.... i just hope they are not the people who are renting matt's place....eek!

so i want to transpose what i wrote in a little journal the last time i was here a month ago.
put it up here so that i can show what i am going thru trying to be creative and express my creativity.
everyone is on the deck playing hearts and i am fine in here. i am making sure that i have alternate things to do and places to go for when the hecktic starts happening. i am not good at dealing with the stress of alot of people. tomorrow ben will be here and he is the last of our permanent visitors. but bri and kate will be here today or tomorrow for some of the week and dane will be here tonight and parker and val will be here tomorrow and maybe jonathan and maybe courtney and god only knows who else.
it is alot for me to handle and it is alot of things and people for me to process.

stressssssing out about vacation
there will be lots of people in a very tiny space and i am
worried that i wont enjoy my vacation as much because of the stress

packing is a drag
i have to do lots of it before saturday am
picking up josh tomorrow night from camp
i MISS him. it has been a long time since i saw him last..... it was sunday! ha!

so i am bringing watercolors and stuff for writing to the beach... i hope to find some inspiration while i am there.
and i need a plan.
and i want to get some photos of things to put up on the walls in my 'space' here at home so that i can keep inspired.

so i should be packing now.... but i am not
i think i will go up and start putting together clothes to bring.....

thinking of turning this into a creativity blog
for my want for creative things in my life
and the lack there of
and the hunt for the perfect spot to be creative

not so sure about this.
no one reads this anymore, so i will be writing this for myself basically
and maybe that is enough