my life
in a nutshell these days
work home sleep work home sleep work home sleep work home sleep work home sleep
WEEKEND
repeat

been so busy with josh's band, trying to stay on a diet (counting calories), trying to have a life with burt and josh and burts kids, and the aformentioned work... it is hard to have time to stop and think
stop and listen to what is in my head

the only reason i have time to type right now is because burt is on a business trip in chicago, josh is in his room hanging out, i have no place to go to or be right this second and it is too early to go to bed.
sad state of affairs for the blog

paid my last car payment today, this is a turning point for me i hope because my car payment was $400 a month. that is a nice chunk of change to not have to pay out each month.
lots of stuff coming up this summer.
josh will be away essentially from june 25th thru aug 15. back here and there on weekend days, and one week of it we will all be out of state together at burts family cottage at the beach.

i keep thinking someday around the corner i am going to get a handle on my life, my bills will be caught up and there wont be any backlog of paperwork to go thru.
wont be any time right away tho.

wow
do i still have a blog?
wow

i never write anymore
things are going so well for me these days
nothing specatular, just regular old really great normal :)

got to the cape and spent time staring at the water, enjoying my guys
got to see sally but was not able to see sharyn or marcia.... next time i hope

this is the last official weekday of my vacation so i am spending it doing nothing exciting, just little bits here and there and coloring my hair
off to get josh soon to get ready for spending the weekend with burt.

life is good

so there i was
thinking that all the creativity has gone out of my body these days
thinking what i was like just one year ago when i started this blog
and thinking of one of the reasons i started it
caleb potter's blog
and i went to go check the big green page as i do every day that i go onto my computer and there is black letters .... caleb wrote on the blog himself
wow what a great day
what a great thing for me to see, to read
this boy (man) who had such a horrific head injury (among other things) who i feared would not make it some days
there were his words on the blog, i think for the first time other than a few words he typed a long time ago.
it was very uplifting to read his words and to know that he is out there appreciating me for reading what his mom has to write about their lives.
and i do
i do appreciate it all
cheers to caleb
and cheers to me
for making it thru a very long year with a very tough start
for cementing some friendships
for realizing my potential
for accepting my flaws and trying to deal with them
for braving the storm of what ever came my way
and for landing upright
in the end of the 12 months
with a wonderful man who is all i ever wanted
and who treats me with kindness and love

the road has been a long one
seems like much more than a year
but i am a much better person for everything that i went thru
for all the feelings i felt and all the tears that i shed

and thank you
for anyone who still reads my words

vacation is so close
i can almost taste it

it is so odd for me since i met burt
everything just works
everything is just natural with him
i dont count days any more till i can see him because i can always see him
i dont keep track of months with him because it does not matter, we are together and we want to be forever, so who cares how many months we have been together.
we always look to the future, we dont look back and dwell
the future is bright

josh and i dont fight nearly as much these days since fluffy is gone.
i know that tensions ran HIGH with all the problems that were caused
now they are not there anymore.
very odd and very sad but it was time

vacation is the cape, as usual
and we leave on saturday around 2pm and will get there by dinner
and we stay till wednesday
just a short vaca but i look forward to being with the man i love at the place i love so very much

looking forward to it.
very very much

fluffy

well i am home with fluffy, waiting

josh is at his bass lesson and at 4:30 i will pick him up with the dog and head to the vet

to have her put down at 5pm

this sucks

pets bring such joy to your lives and when it is time for them to go, it sucks

when we put morgan down it was very hard, she died in our arms and she was my very first baby, i had her for 18 and a half years

hobby went with scott in the divorce and he ended up having to put her down because of some disease that she had, he got another cat named callie and she lives with joan in stafford now.

keesha (fluffy) has been with us since josh was a year and a half. we always thought that they were the same age because the vet thought she was under 2 when we got her. she was a stray running loose in bloomfield. we got her at the pound. paid $35 for her.

when we went to have her fixed we found that she had already been fixed and healed very well.

when she tested positive for heartworm we had her treated.... twice.....

she has been here every step of the way with josh and i.

today i bid her goodbye

her legs are in very poor shape, she has lost all muscle tone in her back half. she has a hard time standing without falling over or leaning.

she has trouble with stairs and she has accidents.

i know this is the right thing to do, sure we could keep her for another month or two but it would only prolong it.

it is something no one ever wants to deal with, but as keesha's humans we have to take care of her and do what is best for her.

so i just took her outside for the last time in this apartment

and i took a few pictures of her

and i gave her a piece of cheese. (she has not had any food other than her dog food in over a year just to keep her stomach regular)

so as i send this off to the internet, i will go downstairs and give her another piece of cheese and we will get in the car to pick up josh.

she is a good dog

i will miss her very much.

thank you
so nice to know people still are reading
the weekend was wonderful to just relax and have no agenda at all
i did read about 2/3 of 'the shack' and i like it so far
will comment more on it when it is finished but it is a really cool take on the whole god, 3 in one thing, and forgiveness.... forgiving yourself....
but i look forward to the rest of the book, just now, i have no idea when i will have time to read the rest of it

keesha.... is getting worse, not taking her pills and there is blood in her urine, i know, too much information.
i had to carry her up the stairs 3 times today. i know it is the right decision.
josh is not camping this weekend so that he can spend time with her

josh's grades suck and he doesnt get it
well just math really
and he does not do homework and he doesnt hand in what he did
and i am going to scream pretty soon
this is driving me nuts

i need a vacation , a real one

getting ready for the day
have to go let fluffy out
so sad that her days are numbered
going to lunch with jean
then to stamford to see burt
i am still sick
and i hope to get over this soon....
jumping in the shower now
not sure why i am still writing here.... i dont think anyone reads it anymore :)
and the drama of relationships is nonexistant these days
only drama is josh and the dog and lack of money

so we have to put keesha (fluffy) down
she is a million years old and has trouble with her back legs and she has accidents all the time and lives in the kitchen only because of the accidents and she has no quality of life anymore
we picked march 30th
josh wants a week to treat her like a princess
i feel horrible but it is the right thing to do

every day i need it to be vacation
i cant wait for it to be vacation

going away tomorrow night
spending the night with burt at a hotel in stamford, he will be busy at a convention and i will veg in the room and read.
going to read 'the shack'
i have been told it is a quick read and i am looking forward to the down time

i feel as tho i have nothing to write anymore
and this saddens me
i love to write and i used to live for this blog
writing everything i was feeling
every little bump along the way was written here for me
and for you
who ever you are that might be reading this still

i am happy
so very freakin happy with burt
never happier in my life

and josh
well, i will survive with him
it is only a few years before he becomes a human again
and we will get thru it

work is work
but no drama really to speak of
and is this a bad thing really?
i dont know

how i loved to write in this blog
i would wait to get to my computer and just pour my soul out on this page

and when i started getting to know burt
i wrote
and wrote and wrote
emails to him
at a certain point i knew
this was the one for me
but even now he and i dont even write that much anymore.
we are together so there is no need to write.

but i still feel the loss of writing
and i can still write but i have a block
no drama .... no writing..... dilemma
hmmm
well, i will continue to write when the mood hits me and hopefully something of substance will show up here someday

going to get into bed early tonight
need to catch up on the zzzz's
long day tomorrow in new hampshire with the stage band
looking forward to lots of burt time :)

the weekend will be over in a flash .... again

no drama still these days, and this is a good thing since i dont think i could handle much drama
i am too tired to deal with it :)

looking forward very much to sitting on the sofa looking out the window at the bay sitting in front of the fire in the fireplace. cant wait.... but i gotta....

another busy weekend is upon us
busy night tonight after work and tomorrow burt and i will spend the entire day with josh and his sage park school stage band on a trip to university of new hampshire for jazz band competition
then we plan to sleep late on sunday
looking forward to that the most :)

it seems i am getting caught up slowly but surely with all the paperwork i have and responsabilities i have
there is no drama in my life as far as a relationship goes, so i dont have that added stress

wish i could catch up on much needed sleep tho

finally was able to schedule a massage with helena for the first time in about a year
it is so expensive that i find it hard to justify going, bills need to be paid before amy has some healthy down time on the massage table i guess
so when i get my money back from the irs, i try to schedule one.
funny, when i was married i went once a month for about 2 years.... wow, things have changed

did some needed shopping for the house and am now settled in with my concoction of sweet liquors milk and whipped cream and i am catching up on my blog and facebook

there is never enough time to do everything
never
there is always work to be done
that is why vacation is so great... well, going away for vacation, because there is no work to be done at the beach
unless it is your beach house and you have to do repairs.
the closest thing to work on vacation is shopping for groceries, dishes and packing up to come home
that is what i am looking forward to
getting to the cape, upacking after grocery shopping and having a glass of wine looking out the back window at the sunset over p-town with my love next to me
i just freaking cant wait for that

so here i sit
blogging while my son is at church serving on the altar.... hmmm
well, we had a really nice time last night meeting burts dad, he is a sweet guy
and after a long day of bed hunting for josh i finally found one i could afford that was comfortable
today i have to go to a meeting and lunch at church and i really dont feel like it
the sun is shining and the weather is not cold
so i came home to take care of fluffy and put our stuff away after another grand sleepover at burts house last night
i am almost ready to head back out to church and meet up with josh.

every day is full
every day keeps me running
i know when i get to the cape i will be able to slow down for a few days, but that is not for a month!!
i have to go back to my mantra of treating every weekend like a weekend away, even if you are at home
sometimes the housework and chores and errands take over for me tho

they days fly by lately
soooo much to do all the time
i think often of how it used to be, and tho i was not so tired
i was certainly sad alot
and tho i was not constantly busy
i was also not happy the way that i am today
this is the first full day that burt and i have not seen each other since we started dating and i got back from colorado.
it is weird not to have him here or me be there.
but tonight it just did not work out
josh and i had cub/scout commitments and burt was going to see a movie with his son at a time that was not convenient for me to come too
and it was the opening weekend for the movie and that sort of crowd is not my thing at all
so josh and i did 5 loads of laundry instead
tomorrow another busy day
josh is in his first stage band competition and i am excited for him
it is just in enfield so i will go up to watch the band play, but they will be there all day long
next weekend burt and i are going with the band to university of new hampshire for the other competition.
looking forward to that too.
tomorrow i get to meet burts father, i am a bit nervous but hey, what ya see is what ya get with me
so i guess i can only be myself.

head spinning
too much to do all the time
tonight was scouts.... again... boy does it piss me off to have to go back out in the cold at 9pm
oh well, he likes it

work is work, all that work on the new computer system and now they are going to wait 6-9 months. which means, not in the next 3 years... mark my words
well, at least i got to see the rocky mountains :)

burt is great, i am so happy with him
i have never been with someone who actually loves me
i mean scott loved me but i dont really think anyone else ever did.
it is a wonderful feeling, still a bit surreal but still wonderful

it is 10:06 and i did not get caught up with all my facebook stuff but i am going to crawl into bed now anyway... it will be there the next time i sign on for sure

this has been a trying weekend
filled with highs and lows
i am exhausted really
josh's birthday was yesterday
friday was fine
saturday was fine until about 2pm when josh decided to act like a 14 year old and make me want to shoot myself in the head
all was fine a few hours later and for the rest of the evening
but then this morning it started all over again
busy day with childrens sunday and lunch with joan and larry and dad
then errands
now i await dinner with burt and greg
i have a ton of stuff to do but what do i do instead,
type on my blog.... very bad prioratizing today
i cant help it
i am all discombobulated

the end of another day in the life
no cable, as of yesterday, but i wouldnt know cause i have not even checked it
it is nice to know i will be saving $60 a month now.
next, look at the cell phone bill and see what i can do to pare that down a bit

ready to go to bed, but first some computer catch up

burt is at d&d so i went out for the evening with josh, who will be 14 tomorrow... ugh... i am old

got to catch up with patrick too and that was nice

this coming month has alot going on, and i will be glad to see april and the anticipation of the cape awaits me

rainy day here in windsor
church and then meetings
now waiting for burt to arrive

days come and go and flow into each other
like the slow tides
i have to go back to work tomorrow
but i dont seem to mind too much
each day seems like a holiday to me these days

i delight in the little things like sitting on the sofa holding hands
or making dinner
i try to continue to be the best mom i can be, with the short temper that i am saddled with

wish the sun was out today, i hate the rain
i hate the lack of sunshine
i look at the laundry mountian and wonder when i will get around to doing that..... who knows
i hate to do laundry in the rain, it defeats the purpose when you have to bring your clean dry clothes into the rain (twice) to get them into the car and then into the apartment.

going to go shake the fridge and see what falls out for lunch today :)

for further clarification
eeyore was the one from mass that everything always went wrong for
'oh pooh, my tail fell off'
'oh pooh, my house blew down'
'oh pooh, i lost my job'
'oh pooh, i lost my voice'

rhode island guy was the professor, yet another lamo in the long line of lamo's from last year (or most of my life really)

but burt, well, he does rock!

this is the last official day of my vacation and here is what i learned
1) i have not turned my tv on for more than 1 hour total in the last 7-10 days.
2) thinking about cancelling my cable and seeing how that goes for a while, watch my dvd's etc, and then maybe subscribe to netflix to supliment my watching habit
3) it is great to have love in my life ... it is so freaking cool
4) i did not get to sleep late except for the sunday after valentines day, but that was ok because my days have been filled with hugs and kisses and caring and laughter (huh, what a concept)
5) teenagers can really suck sometimes
6) money sucks too, or the lack thereof
7) i was someones needle in the haystack
8) pool parties are not just for summertime

i seem to only get to use the computer every few days these days but i feel the need to blog more often now.... about good things.

weird day yesterday
lots of weird things happening
i am on vaca and things still seem surreal
i am still in awe of this new relationship and how freaking great it is.
and i have all this time on my hands this week to do what ever i want.
heard from eeyore last night
funny, he im'd me and we talked for about 15 minutes
turns out he is still thinking about me after all this time
and might get a job in windsor locks
i told him that i was sorry it did not work out for us but i am in a different place now, a better place and i am very happy with the relationship i am in.

kind of a nice feeling that i am 'the one that got away'
to someone. well i am pretty sure that zeke and jim might think that too
but hell.... people need to snap out of it and realize what they have when they have it
they need to act appropriately and not take people for granted.
even tho all those relationships ended on my terms, if i had stayed with any of them, it would not have been the right thing to do
what i am doing now is the right thing to do
burt is the one

its a new day
and as always before too long yesterday, josh had switched gears and all of a sudden he was human again by nightfall.
this is so tiring
he is still sleeping, as i type
burt is off to work and i need to get going so i can transfer money from one account to the other because josh's school cashed a check that they had had for over a month, and my account went into the red..... damn sage park middle school!
tomorrow is payday but today it is in the red, so i have to do high finances.... actually it will be sketchy until i get my refunds back. and thank god i will get some.....

as soon as i get it
there is a list
1) reservations at the cape for truro for april
2) josh needs a bed
3) catch up the orthodontist
4) save the rest and live off of it till it is gone.... which wont be long.

today josh has a hair appointment.... he wants to keep it long so it will be curious how he gets it cut. i dont mind if he wants to keep it long, it is his way of expressing himself.
his band played out last night at the blues jam, they were, as usual, great.

so i am off to hit the showers
no drama these days when it comes to my personal life
this is so nice and peaceful
this feels so 'right'
i dont question anything in this relationship, nothing at all
he is off to work and will be back home tonight
and i cant wait.

i think by far the hardest thing i have to do in my life is be the single (not single in the divorced sense of the word but single like ONLY) parent of joshua
it is the most trying thing in the world these days, and i know it is his age.
i know that every word i speak... is futile
every feeling i have ...unwarranted
every tear i shed... pay for this job
i know that he has angst, i understand this
but dear god help me deal with it
i know i am an ok mom but i highly doubt that i am a good mom
i know that in the future he will look back and remember the arguments, things said in anger, not really meant. i know this because i only remember the bad stuff from my childhood, not the good stuff.
i remember when my parents hit me like it was yesterday but i dont remember the fun times, the good times.... and i am sure there were many, but i remember none of them
that is the way we are, humans, we remember the traumatic things
those are the bits of our childhood that we carry with us.
or at least that is what i carry with me, and i can only imagine that those are the things that josh will remember about his teen years.... maybe with any luck he will block it all out
maybe he wont remember the hatred in the words that were spoken between us in the heat of an arguement that stems from his lack of respect for me, but he insists that i have no respect for him
an endless circle that cannot be broken, no matter how hard you scream or how many tears you cry

there is no way that you can understand what i am feeling unless you truly are a 'single' parent of a 13 year old boy. there is no one to send him to when i am exasperated
there is no one to back me up
there is no punisher but me
there is no fun parent but me
it is a fine line that i walk and it is really trying me today

my neck hurts from clenching my teeth
my eyes hurt from holding back tears
my throat hurts from yelling
and my body is tired
because this is tiring work

very odd feelings these days
feelings of security
happiness
joy
togetherness
coupledom
being wanted
being appreciated
being adored

things i am just sooo not used to

i think back to where i came from
from a marriage that sucked for years with a man who was an alcoholic and possibly bipolar
to an emotionally unavailable man for 3 years, because i figured no one would ever love me again
to a man who i thought was be all end all and turned out to be a lie
to a man who i thought i would be with forever because of the comfort level, but in reality he was just another 'broken wing' as gloria puts it
someone with issues that no one could have fixed

now have this man who is crazy about me and who is planning things in the future with me and i am too, and i have no doubts about any of it
like i said before i am going to ride this wave as long as i can
and i hope it lasts forever.
when do you realize that what you have in front of you is forever
when do you realize that what you have is magic

maybe you have to keep that in your heart every day, so that you remind yourself that he is in fact your magic
and this is the best i have ever felt in my life
how can that be?
i dont know
but i am so happy for it
and i am not letting go of this EVER

so i am about to go to bed
i await burt coming home after bowling with his friends
i am so happy with him and how things have turned out.
my heart is warm

work sucks lately but i have to deal, i have vacation next week and i cant wait
we have another demo of another software on wednesday so i have to get lots of work done tomorrow.
the bank statement showed up today but i probably wont get it finished before vaca.

i am very content right now.
i feel loved
i have not felt that in a long long long time.

so so so so freaking happy with burt
cant tell you how happy i am
we all spent the weekend together, he and his kids and me and mine
and we all get along so great and it all feels so natural
i cant explain but i just KNOW it is right.

came home today to an ominous box outside my door
wondered if it were something from zeke because i was expecting him to drop off a banner from the kids gig last month.
but no, upon closer inspection, it was a box filled with everything that i ever gave jim

in retrospect, i think, why didnt he just throw them away if he did not want to have them around the house anymore... what was the point of sending them back to me.
i am SO glad that i was not here when he dropped them off
i will not respond to this at all
i feel slighted but i also realize that if this is how he handles things, then it was certainly not a good match at all

i am not however deceived this time around, i know what i feel and how different it is for me this time.

i am trying to get my papers ready for my taxes, accountant coming tomorrow night ... nothing like waiting till the last minute.

and i HAVE to go thru my mail ..... eek!

i am on a mission today, 5 loads of laundry, color my hair, go thru paperwork to get ready for taxes on monday.... pay bills, ugh!
plus do my mom's shopping and my shopping and fill mom's pill box

i have about 5 hours to do it all.... and it CAN be done.

things are going really well with burt
jim contacted me yesterday via email, and it kind of ruffled me
i mean i know that if i was not with burt i would be right back with jim, waiting, again.
he is a great guy, he is just not in a position to have a girlfriend
he cant devote enough time.
and to want me back in the same situation again is very selfish of him.
i do not feel like i wasted any time with jim
i feel it all happened for a reason and taught me lessons i needed to learn
i know i would not be in the place that i am right now if i did not go thru the last 6 months the way that i did.
so many wonderful things have happened to me in the last year.
how do we end up in the places we end up? lucky, fate? who knows

all i know is that i am in a relationship now that is what i always wanted a relationship to be, our kids get along with each other and he and i get along very well too.

well i am off to complete my mission....

i hate being sick
my throat hurts and i know i have a sinus infection
today is my docs day off so if i do choose to go in i wont get to see him anyway
i have been fighting this thing for a week, in was inevitable that i finally got it

i am not looking forward to dealing with work and the software issues that i am immersed in. it has turned into a can of worms i really dont want to deal with anymore, but unfortunatley, because they sent me to colorado for this, i have to be involved.

i would give anything to just go back to bed right now.

and i missed burt last night :(
BUT i will see him tonight with any luck :)

how the hell can things be so good
how the hell can things just change up so much that they are so different
and so loving and caring and fun and exciting?
what did i do right along the way to have this?

i am NOT arguing at all.

just had a great evening with my new guy and his kids and my kid
everyone got along. it was GREAT
there is no other word for it.

i will miss him tonight, but i know there are things that have to be done, like getting up for work and school, and i know that i will be with him again tomorrow evening

again i say, how the hell did this just drop into my lap?
damn i am lucky!

ok i will stop ranting now.... although.... i really do feel freaking lucky.

i have lost my voice tho, probably those screams of anger when i got into my car at 5 that blew it away.... just took all night to catch up with me.
freakin software decisions..... hate them!

WELL....
here i am
i'm back.

so much has happened
but in a nutshell, i broke up with jim and started dating a wonderful man who thinks i am 'all that and a bag of chips' :)

it was a hard few weeks, i was growing closer to my new man and growing further apart from jim. i was realizing that jim really did not have the time in his life for a girlfriend, and when he did have the time it was all on his terms.
no one liked that i was in this relationship, no one.
and as time went on they all told me so. some louder than others.
and the point hit home

in the mean time i was getting to know this new man as a person, as a wonderful needy person just like me. needing companionship but not necessarily a date.
we got to know each other, inside and out, not litterally but we got into each others heads pretty deep. it was amazing to get to know someone in that fashion. mostly email, facebook.
i could tell there was something there and yet i knew the situation i was in and that i needed to keep my head straight.

as time went on we really started to fall for each other. it was the best feeling in the world. it still is.

when breaking up with jim, he understood the situation and told me he knew that i deserved more. he told me that he loved me and he told me that he would miss me.
it was very sad, i have not cried that much in a long long long time..... it seemed i cried more than when mother fucking pete dumped me.

but since that day, it has been like a window was opened and fresh air has come in, blowing thru my mind, clearing the cobwebs. letting the sunshine into my head.

i dont know where this will lead. as most times i dont know..... but i am riding this wave as far as it will take me. hopefully for the long haul.

i hate that i dont write much anymore
my typing fingers are sore from talking with my new friend but 24/7
it is so nice to have a new friend and feel this close to them
it also keep me busy when i dont see jim....

jim and i are doing well, saw him this weekend.
i like to say that i think i am getting nearer to the next step
there is no certain thing that has happened it is just a comfort between us and the way that he speaks to me sounds very positive and assured.
i feel very good with him and very comfortable

work is work.... hate to be there, wish i was elsewhere, but i know what i need to do :)

mom is doing well these days, thank god. i dont know that i could handle anything happening to her, not now in my life.

miss writing here
but i dont have any drama these days
this is a good thing

so i am totally ignoring my blog lately... i have been completely caught up in facebook, it is, as they say.... A HUGE BLACK HOLE.... you get on there and you are there for what seems like days....
but i have connected with some friends from the past and made one really great friend in the process.
i love my circle of friends... you know who you are.... i dont think i could have made it thru the last year with out you all.
the support that you gave me when i was falling apart at the seems. and the companionship you gave me when i was alone... and the support and love you give me now... you are all amazing!

i have not seen jim for a week, miss him... heeelloooo....
but whatever, i will see him when i see him. it is not like i dont have anything to keep me busy, between keeping up with my emails and josh and his band and work and just daily life... i am good over here.
a friend told me that i should enjoy my time alone, when i am not with him and i am certainly trying to do that.

more snow this weekend, i want to scream... it is so freaking cold out right now i cant even stand it!!!

so just some updates.... gloria, i am assuming GF is you... if so, that needle punch is soooo easy and fast and calming, bad part... the kits cost like $10, have to find a source online on the cheap.... we need to get together soon... juno and wine i say!!

totally enjoying my new BFFF burt!!

sally, i think about you all the time, i hope you have a great trip where ever you are going... i hope to catch up with you soon ... we have not had a good talk in forever.... i have a vaca in feb... maybe we can get up to the cape then for a day or two.

capecodkitty, if i get up there in feb i want to stop and see you too! would love to meet you in person :)

patrick, i have not thanked you lately for all the company and the assorted drinks here and there... so THANK YOU....

jean... there are not enough words... you are THE BEST! just wanted to tell you that since it is not something i say often :)

ok i got all that off my chest... of to write more emails and get sucked into facebook :)

above ... my needle punch ... finished...... and a pic of the boys.... trey, ray, and josh

well jim is alive but i think he is going thru something this weekend and i just wish that i could be there for him.

it was a weird weekend that is for sure.
glad to have josh back home, he faired well in the snow. but i was cold!!!

we went to band practice and met the new drummer and he is so cute and a good drummer for 11 years old. they play out for the first time next saturday night at 6:00 at the hanon hatch vfw post in west hartford ct.... looking forward to it.

work tomorrow, not in the mood....

i have typed so much this weekend, more than i have ever typed in my life i think.

i think i will try to get some sleep early tonight since i dont think i will hear from jim

i could use some extra sleep.... 5:15 comes early for the gym.

wish it was jim not gym... ha!

i finished my need punch kit and now need to frame it. i love the colors and it was so easy to do and it looks so much like rich terrycloth, i think that is why i like it.

still feeling weird
have not heard from jim since late yesterday afternoon
he was busy and i am sure very tired but i go vm again today... so naturally because of the storm i wonder if he is ok
maybe lost phone in snow bank
or lost power and cant charge the phone....
either way, miss him

josh is going to be dropped off very shortly and we will make lunch and chat for a while about his weekend camping in the snow storm. i am sure he had fun.

have not spoken many words this weekend but sure have typed them. been emailing and texting friends alot this weekend... thank god too cause you know me, i would be brooding in a corner being along all weekend like this.
i will survive.

going to stafford to practice with the band today (josh not me) i enjoy watching them work on songs. it is so interesting to have them teach each other with out sheet music in front of them, they do it all by ear.
fun stuff.

writing again today
bored
dont want a storm
dont want to be stuck in the house
dont feel like doing anything.

went to the mall and got some stuff with the rest of my gift certificates
got some business casual pants because this trip to colorado is business casual and i dont have alot of that, i have alot of casual....
hence the pants buying today

on my second glass of wine... it's gonna be a long long night :)

up early to bring josh camping
it is 15 degrees right now... they are crazy.... and it is supposed to snow....
just came back and am going to try to get more zzzz's.... but it probably wont work, once i am up... i am up.
i have two days ahead of me with no real plan
i hope to see jim but i have no idea if it is even in the cards.
going to call the vet to see if i can get keesha my million year old dog in today... her nose is so dry and she drinks a bowl of water every day and her back legs are in bad shape too.
going to do some errands before the snow comes and i bought another needle punch kit to keep me busy while i sit here on my own for hours and hours.
actually it would not be the end of the world to just sit and relax... i have not done much of that lately
work has kept me busy and it is going well.... i have been crafting in all my spare time. housework fills a good portion of time too.... my batheroom needs to be sandblasted... i say that to myself every time i walk by it.
and i have been emailing and texting network of people quite a bit lately too, from jim and jean and patrick to facebook friends
so i suppose it would not be the end of the world to just go to bed early tonight if i cant see jim.

so here i sit waiting for something to happen or something to do
i am in an odd place
not a bad one by any means
just odd
got another needle punch kit to work on tomorrow during the storm if i am not able to see jim and i am trapped inside
josh is camping in the snow storm in three sided shelters
he will have a blast i am sure
he loves to camp with the scouts

i was going to be able to sleep late tomorrow but since he is leaving tomorrow at 6:30AM instead of 6:30PM tonight... my plans are foiled again
i will sleep in on sunday
actually i might just jump back in bed tomorrow after i drop him off, it could happen....

hoping to see jim tomorrow because sunday is a bit busy again.... but i probably wont be able to.... that is usually how it works out.... but i can feel it getting closer... the introduction.
i went over last night to bring him the quilt and pillow i made for him
he LOVED it
he couldnt stop smiling and laughing, thinking how crazy i was to make those for him.
his daughter saw it today and asked where he got it and he said his friend gave it to him,..... i am officially mentioned maybe for the first time.... who knows.... HA!

anyway, like i always say, as long as he keeps making time for me and treating me kind and paying attention to me.... i am fine with waiting.

i am in a really good place today, even tho my neighbors are making so much noise i want to choke them!!!
work is going really well
jim and i are going really well
my house is a mess but i dont care!
i have been crafty and i like it
i am making new/old friends on facebook

going to go downstairs and have a glass of wine and work on my new craft (needle punch)
i am loving it, very addictive.

well all's well that ends well.... so far with the blood pressure.
my blood work came back great. my cholesterol is really low and my triglycerides (i know i spelled that wrong) are really low too. i have no danger of being diabetic at this time and even tho i have not lost weight or inches around my waist my pressure is more 'normal' for me 130 over 88. i am always pushing it a bit high, but never as bad as it was a few months ago.
i really credit working out to this result at the docs today. i have done 20 minutes a day on the elliptical machine every day since the day before thanksgiving... only missing 7 days total.
one huge puddle, one snow day, one really sick day and the other 4 were this past weekend, i just took a vacation from it, but i am back at it as of yesterday.

he also credits my atkins diet to the good blood numbers, said that the lack of carbs helps.

so.... NO DAILY MEDS FOR ME YET!! YAY!!

i go back in april to recheck and by then i hope to have lost the extra chub i gained at xmas (thanks to jim giving me godiva chocolates, they are finally gone now :)

finished the lap quilts, did one for josh too, he is sleeping with it as we speak... and i made a small pillow to match jims because i had extra squares. cant wait to give it to him :)

picked up some yarn and a crochet hook as well as a needle punch kit, something new i have not tried yet. will let you know how it turns out. i like keeping myself busy with crafts, i forgot how much i used to like doing it. i still have my jewelry but that is more like a job since i have to make it to make money... this stuff is relaxing and i can make things for other people, not just women ....
well, i will try to go to sleep now.
wish me luck.

i dont wanna go to work tomorrow, dont make me!!!
oh well, i know i have to.... but for the record I DONT WANT TO!

going to try to get some sleep and going to try to get up early to go to the gym... have not done it in about 4 days.... need to get back on that right away.
i have my follow up apt on tues for my blood pressure
i know i have not lost any weight or inches around my waist so i will probably be put on daily medication for bp. i hope not but i think it is inevitable.

i really hope i can get to sleep soon.... very tired but not physically.... just mentally run down.
i am almost finished with the lap quilt, just have to trim the stray threads and it will be ready to give to him.... looking forward to it.

got the 'batting' and back for the quilt today, the batting is actually drapery lining which is like thick flannel and the back is going to be flannel so the whole thing should be very soft and light weight as well as warm. hope to finish it up tomorrow or the next day.
told jim i was working on a project and it was for him and it has nothing to do with the computer or paper.. he is stumped :)
spent an odd day dong lots of odd things... but got to have a nice visit with jean and gene today.... thanks for the chili and wine :) it was yummy.
went to a night time movie with josh, i NEVER go to nightime movies... we saw 'bedtime stories' it was a cute movie.
going to bring josh to jam with trey tomorrow again in stafford.... and i have to teach the confirmation class tomorrow too.... making the prayer beads with the kids... i hope they like them and i hope it is not a fiasco either.
i am up too late again but not tired at all..... going to try to get some sleep but not sure if it will work....

ok so this is what i have been up to today
i named this picture 'quiltone' like there might be a quilttwo or quiltthree in my life somewhere down the line.... this one tuckered me out and i still have to do the batting and backing and then do the actual quilting.... maybe tomorrow.
probably will give it to jim... it is a lap quilt so it is not huge.
pretty good for working from memory..... and not using any pins... i have an aversion to pinning things... it gets on my nerves.

my car is fixed, it was the thermostat and because they just replaced it 3 weeks ago, it was free today... yay!

going to try to go to bed now....

starting the day on a good note, even tho my car is in the shop
jim called me to come see him last night and i was able to spend the night.... when i left my car was overheating and i dropped it off at the shop.... waiting now for results and info, but i dont even care cause i got to see him twice in the last 24 hours. yay!
had a nice visit yesterday with jean and gene and the gang, nice visit with patrick too (thanks for the beer) and nice evening alone and then nice night with jim... really cant complain today.

i am in a good place right now... thinking of walking over to the gym, or showering and getting ready for the day or starting a project... i like the choices!

it was pointed out to me today by a good friend that i dont blog as much as i used to
my reply was that i guess i dont need it as much as i used to
i mean, i used to blog more than once a day on the bad days
i am grateful those bad days have passed.
but i still need to vent and still need this outlet.
my grouchy-ness is passing
i bought a bit more supplies for the prayer beads and mad another set tonight. i hope the kids like making them
i have some missing beads, and i have looked everywhere.... and cannot find them. and honestly there are not alot of places to look in this little apartment.... some hematite crosses that i did not like the bales on so i put them aside, and a whole bag of wooden beads... have NO IDEA where they are.... dammit!
also bought a bunch of fabric squares special for quilting.... going to drag the machine out tomorrow and if i can remember how to thread the damn thing am going to mess around with lap quilts. i used to like making them, they are quicker than a huge quilt, give satisfaction when making them and giving them. and it is a good winter thing to do.

went off the diet again today but after the 2nd peanut butter cookie, damn they were good, thanks gene!! i just gave up at that point. didnt do too much worse the rest of the day but still i was off track.
didnt work out today either, but that was because i got an impromptu phone call from jim this morning at 7:30 telling me that his daughter was going shopping with a friend for a few hours and i could come by if i was able to.... and you know i did!
it was great to spend a few hours quality time with him.... hope to see him again before the weekend is out.

ok .... up too late so i am going to get some sleep now... i hope.