so yea, i agree with my comment that i made to my friend cape cod kitty.... have the blues

officially have the blues

and like cckitty i need to find a project to make the blues fly away...

tonight i made a prototype of some anglican prayer beads that i am supposed to teach the kids in confirmation class how to make this sunday... i have added a pic of them.

i liked making them and i like the idea of giving them to friends too....

so i think i will make several... will hit the craft store tomorrow and get more supplies.

had a rough morning, i called jim and 'confronted him' with my feelings, waking him and his daughter in the process. waited all morning for a phone call and just before noon i got one, but not before putting myself thru the ringer all morning....

turns out all is well... but i still was wallowing in the blues.

i am better now

cold

glad the snow stopped

going to spend new years eve alone with my son for the first time in .... ever!

i am sleepy already....

happy new year to everyone!

grouchy again
not sure exactly why
could be because i miss jim and want to see him and CANT
could be because i am sleepy
could be because i wish i could loose some weight
could be all of those things, or none of them

not in the mood for work tomorrow
not in the mood for snow tomorrow
just not in the mood

gonna go crawl in bed and hope tomorrow is better than today is right now.

so i sit here waiting for the 5 loads of laundry to be ready to switch over
and i think of where i am "at" right now.
i really am in a good place
but i let my emotions rule me sometimes.... when there really is not need.
for instance... today i have not gotten to speak to jim much only a short time this noon time. he had to work today.
he did read an email that i wrote asking if we could be together on new years eve, he replied that it is a hard night to get a sitter but he is trying
i replied that i know he is trying and i dont think he will get one but that is ok, i understand. but he did not reply to that one and i have called a couple times and left msgs and no reply then either.
this is not the end of the world. worse scenarios have happened than this. but i let my head run ahead of me and i worry that something is wrong and he is upset with some thing i said or wrote, which is ridiculous. but i worry anyway, and i will continue to worry till i hear from him and know all is well.
which i know in my head already that all is well, i just let my head run.
i kind of have an i dont care attitude today. josh and i just went to dinner on money i should not have spent. i am trying to stick to my diet but something in my head is telling me to have a rum ball instead.
just that kind of mood i guess.
new years is just another night
if i cant be with him, it is not the end of the world at all.
maybe we can be together the next day instead.... who knows

well i have a wonderful boyfriend, i am here to tell you
sure i dont get to see him as often as i would like but i suppose that maybe that is god's plan for now,
if the flood gates were opened at this point, and we were able to see each other all the time, mabye it would be overkill for us.
things have a way of working themselves out.
yesterday he was supposed to be able to come see me but then his sitter backed out at the last minute.
he was upset with himself for mentioning it to me because he thought i was really upset (which i was but i told him it was fine) we had planned for me to come see him after his daughter was asleep (which i still find funny because at any time that i am there, she could wake up and see me and then he would have to introduce me....) and then a half hour later he called to say he was on his way over. i was so pleasantly surprised.
he showed up with my christmas gift which consisted of beautiful flowers (i have never gotten flowers for xmas before) and godiva chocolates, shower gels, and gift certificates galore.
i felt very pampered.
he loved my gifts to him as well. it was a great visit and even though it was only about an hour and a half... it was worth a fortune to me to be able tobe with him on his birthday.
i am really lucky
i never would have thought i would have a man who likes me this much and treats me this well.
i know that he loves me but he does not say it, i think it goes with the whole 'waiting' thing... i think he has been hurt too many times before.
i am grateful for the things that i have gone thru because if i had not gone thru them all, i would not be where i am today.
every time i see a match.com or eharmony.com commercial i smile.... it really can work.

so the holiday is over and tonight we have a little gathering of people who are on facebook and who graduated from windsor high in 1983 that are getting together for drinks at 5:30....i want to go but am scared.... but i know some people who will be there and i look forward to it too.... funny to be scared and look forward at the same time.

i am debating going to spend some gift certificate money..... but do i want to brave the crowds?

its over
all the gifts are give out and received
all the traveling is done
all the merry has been made
all the food has been eated.... and i mean ALL the food
all the christmas is over.....

except for one

jim.

i cant wait to give him his gift, and see the look on his face, i put so much time into it and i just cant wait.... and i have to wait.
last i knew he was being santa one last time for the year at a dinner for needy families at 2:30.

now i am faced with 3 days off and who knows when i will get to see him.
his daughter already went to her mothers for few hours today, naturally it was when i could not possibly go see him, i was about to leave for willimantic.
this angers me because if i did not have a commitment with josh to go out to sherry's i would have driven to see him so freakin fast!
it figures, the first time that piece of shit has seen her kid since october and i cant get away.

so that makes me grouchy....

and i am stuffed with every peice of food that passed within arms reach of me in the last two days.... i did go to the gym but i still feel giant.

and that makes me feel grouchy too.....

and i have no idea when i can see jim, i said i wanted to see him on his birthday (tomorrow) and he said it probably wont happen. he was kinda grouchy too the last two times i talked to him....

and that makes me feel grouchy in return.

all in all it was a nice christmas.... but i miss my boyfriend.... and i am a bit grouchy.

merry christmas day
busy day ahead
sherry's for noon
mom's at 3 for chinese
and then home

i do hope i get to see jim soon

christmas eve
all is calm
all is bright.....

merry merry to you all.
i hope that you find the peace you need in your hearts this christmas
i seem to have found mine

it is early for me... maybe i will get some sleep tonight

up early for work, went to the gym thru snow flurries, but i went!
shopping is done, wrapping is done, even a few presents already handed out
after they let me out of work today i am on a 4 day weekend, yay!
hoping to see jim friday or on the weekend for some quality christmas/birhtday time.
josh is on vacation so he does not have to get up today when i get up. so the house is quiet at 6:24am
i got my hair cut yesterday and it is alot shorter than i am used to. it was damaged and had to come off.... but now i have to figure this new cut out.... i hate that part
and i dont have the long front bangs to hide behind anymore.
i am feeling very calm and quiet right now....
mom is not feeling well, has a cold, and is passing on the big meal because she is too old to mess around with a 20lb turkey anymore, it was almost a hassle for me and i have 35 years on her!
so we are going to order chinese food instead. that should be fun.

wishing merry christmas eve to everyone!

a sense of accomplishment today
presents are bought, made and wrapped
josh had his first taste of giving this year
even tho i gave him the money, he picked out presents for me himself this year and i think he feels accomplished as well.
i let him loose in target and he picked them out, went thru the line himself and wrapped them himself.
i dont care what they are, because i know he picked them out for me.

i also feel good because of facebook, seems funny to feel good about a service that is meant to keep in touch with people but i have connected with several people from my elementary school days that i NEVER thought i would hear from again
many are not in the area anymore which would have sealed the deal for never hearing from them again... but now i have, and it makes me feel so good.

i have also made new friends from this blog and from calebs blog... which has not had a post in several days... i hope they are well.

now, because i am done with everything i can try to enjoy these last few days before xmas.
i dont know when i will see jim but i know that i will.
and we will have our time when we get together.
i still hope not to be without him on new years but i know that if it is impossible for us to be together i know i have josh and i also know i can go to the bidwell with jean and gene.

it is early for me.... 10:19
fell asleep on the loveseat and i have a pain in my back but i hope to get right to sleep again now.

done
i am done
done buying gifts with money i dont have
done (almost) wrapping the gifts
done with jim's home made present from the heart and i hope he melts with joy when he opens it.... after all that work he better melt dammit! :)
the snow is so pretty and we are getting more tomorrow, probably icey mix... that sucks
josh will probably have a delay on monday.....
i cant believe xmas is almost here.... just a few more days.
it is such a let down when it is over, but i cant let that happen. i may keep up my snowmen for the rest of the winter, i love snowmen.... they are multifunctional...
i am so pleased with the way things are going with jim.... he just makes me happy and i never thought i would be this happy. and he is looking for the same things i am in companionship.... no one has ever called me and emailed me as much in my life.
and to think it all came from match.com....
tomorrow is not a busy day, but i hope to be able to see jim... with the weather i am thinking i wont be able to.... but if not, it will be nice to just hang out....

snowed in
who knows how much snow is out there. last i looked it was about 5 inches and that was when the sun was still up.
i am glad i dont have to shovel a driveway.... but i might have to do my sidewalk if they dont come out in time for us to get to josh's lesson
i am not sleepy at all again... might take a little pill to help me
josh is sleeping on the sofa and has been for about 2 hours.
i finished jim's present... now have to wrap it up, i wish i could find the hole punch.
(need it for the present) it is the first homemade present i have made in forever.... he is too hard to buy for.
i am really enjoying him... he makes quite an effort to be with me... told me today that his feeling for me are true.
i know he loves me, he is one of those men who dont say it.
it is different than with zeke where he did not say it and sometimes i did not even know if he loved me or just loved the free room and board.
where with jim i KNOW he loves me, he shows it all the time... it is just tough for him to say it.
i will let him slide... for now :)
this weekend could be hectic... or it could be enjoyable... who knows at this point... it is a crap shoot.

my eyes hurt today, not sure why, they sting
and i am tired
not getting to sleep before midnight again these days
delayed opening for school so i have to go to work and come back for josh at 9
jim is trying to come to josh's school concert tonight... i hope he can, but i understand if he cant.
it is great that he is even trying to come.
xmas and new years are around the corner.... it will all be over in no time.
i am pleased and satisfied that i have a great boyfriend, but because i still dont know his daughter i feel 'a bit outside' still.
i know that it will not be like this next year and this is all part of a new relationship.
i have lots of plans to keep me busy
when i think of the past, with zeke and last year with pete
i have not really 'been' with anyone on the holidays since scott.
zeke was there, but not really there....
pete still had his own life and even tho he came to new years with me, i was still removed in that relationship as well.
because we were married we did everything on the holidays together, and you were guaranteed not to be alone... but you were not necessarily happy.
this year i am happy and i will see him probably after xmas, unless she goes to her mothers, but i am much happier now than i have ever been with a man.... not sure exactly why, maybe it is just a better fit or he is a better person or i am in a better place.... but things are just better.
and hard to believe... next year will be even better!
josh and i have been getting along more these days, i pick my battles and i think he is doing the same.
well, off to work.... grrr.

the xmas season is so freaking hectic
i cannot believe how much i have to do in the next week, busy every night. it is not usually like this.... it is the xmas holiday that makes us run ourselves ragged.
just ended my "outside" day with orthodontist then dinner then cello lesson then target for last minute gifts.
now jammies and maybe a glass of wine

my outlook on today is good
even tho it is another monday and i have to work all week long.... all three nights on the weekend i stayed up much later than planned. last night was only 11 but the other two were 1am. i feel i need to catch up on my sleep.
i am back in the saddle and got up to excercise today for the first time since it was flooded on friday am. could not get myself up early enough to do it on the weekend days.
but as long as i am back at it and dont let it slip i should be good.

spent yesterday afternoon with jim again, it was wonderful to have all that quality time with him, it was only from about 1:30 till 6 but still... that was a much needed time alone.
he made me dinner again, nice to know he is a good cook. but i think it is my turn to cook for him this time.... that makes me nervous cause i dont want to make something he wont like. he is not a fan of vegtables.... so that takes that right out of the mix. :)

i feel we are growing stronger and coming closer every day. this is a quality relationship, i have never had one of those before. it is a nice change.
this is a man i see growing old with. i certainly have kissed my share of toads, and boy were some of them toads!

well the craft fair was not a total bust like the last few i have done. sold about $100 which is fair for me.
would love to sell $600 or $700 but that is just not in the cards for me i guess
maybe i will have an open house and invite people to come to my place and buy.... serve them wine and cheese... if only i had more than 2 parking spaces available here! ha!

did some tradtions with josh, torchlight parade, xmas cookies and brownies, now i am making cinnamon swirl bread... from scratch.... yes i AM crazy. we shall see how it comes out....

got to talk to my dear friend robin today for a long time, got to catch up and delve into lots of stuff.... i did not realize how much i missed her in my life... i have not seen her very often in the last several years, maybe once every 2 years we got together for a lunch or coffee.... it was great to just sit and talk for 3 hours while i was at the fair today.

supposed to see jim tomorrow... cant wait.
i love the effort he is putting in these days.... and i hope that soon i will be able to meet his daughter.... i know that when i do, the flood gates will open and we will be able to see each other alot more... i cant wait for that time to come.... but he is worth the wait :)

going to try not to be up till a million o'clock tonight.... need to catch up on sleep.

well the universe worked against me today.... as for my excercise..... i got up and went down to the gym.... i figured my neighbor who is usually swimming at this hour would not be there because there are leaks in the ceiling of the building over the pool and when it rains, the cold rain gets into the pool and cools it down from it's usual 81 degrees, plus you have to swim to avoid the raindrops landing on you... they are COLD.
but i never thought i would not even get into the building!
the doorway is down a few steps and it rained so much and the drain for that sunken area must be clogged because i would have had to walk thru about 4 inches of water to get into the building... i decided against that because then i would have to excercise with soaking wet sneaks.... good move on my part i think.... but now i am not geting my excercise in for the day. grrr....
oh well, gives me type to type here i guess.

thank god it is friday.
beading party tonight at laureens, i hope i make a few bucks but even if no one shows up, i will be forced to make some jewelry to sell tomorrow at the craft fair. and i really hope i sell stuff then. any money i make will be a plus at this point. i have only about $10 in my pocket and the bank account is tapped tilll next wednesday... i hate it when that happens.

i hope to see jim this weekend, did not hear back last night, he had mentioned me coming over after his daughter was asleep but he never called, i think he just fell asleep, the rain was horrendous anyway so it was probably good i was not on the road last night. i would have been so pissed if i drove home from there at like 12 or 1 and did not get to sleep till 2 and then woke up early to this.... and not be able to get into the gym on like 3 hours sleep.... better i stayed home this time :)

i feel like after this weekend i can finally clean up my room, i feel like i have been leaving it half done because of my jewelry commitments but after tomorrow and i pick out the earrings i am giving to people for xmas, i can put it all away for a few months and not look at it... kind of a bad attitiude but it takes up alot of room and i have not been selling much these days.

well off to the showers early i guess!

feel crappy today, but i still got up and went to the gym... i am SOOOOO surprised at myself for keeping this up.
i expect me to stop at any moment, really.
the only time i actually exercised on a regular basis was when i went to the gym with jean back in the day.... but we followed the gym up with guilty pleasures afterward, like friendlys..... but that was when our metabolisms could handle such things, now i would end up worse than when i started, rather than just erasing the good i did at the gym.

need to do my hair and i hate that part of the day.
jim is still sick but he called to say goodnight last night, in a codeine cough syrup induced coma.... i hope he is better soon.

off to work... ugh!

well once again i will mention to all that have wanted to comment but could not because of the way you had to post a comment in the past.... i have freed it up so that anonymous people can post as well.... hint hint gloria and sally!
just click on the comments at the bottom of the post and you will be lead to a screen where you can type to your hearts content, and i hope to hear from you ....ALL!

i have a few friends, you know who you are, who read and write me a personal email instead of commenting too.

well xmas is upon us and i am in the mood, finally , i think.... maybe..... yeah, i guess i am!
i am in a good place in my head and heart these days.
have a craft fair this weekend as well as a bead party and i HOPE to make a few bucks to help pay the bills this month.
my shopping is almost done but i have some wrapping and some 'making' things still ahead of me.

jim is starting to feel better and joking alot more again... i dont like it when he is sick because
a) i cant be there to take care of him like i want to do, you know ... make soup, fluff pillows, back rubs, that sort of crap that a good girlfriend does
b) he gets grouchy, he says cranky, i say grouchy.... whatever... dont like either

i moved a few things around in my room and i am amazed at the difference... i see myself on a cleaning binge again soon. if i have time.
busy weeks ahead too, every evening has something going on.

big bummer today, jim was going to take me away for the weekend this weekend and doesnt it just figure that i have crap going on this weekend.... i NEVER have anything going on and this weekend i am at a craft fair at st. mary's episcopal church in manchester ct (hint hint to all those local) and saturday night is the torchlight parade ( parade of all the fire trucks in town decorated for xmas and then we have a giant bonfire behind town hall with 8 million pallets) and josh loves to go to that. he is a big stickler for traditions these past few years... especially at xmas.
we have a few others like going to the cemetaries on fathers day and scott's bday and sometimes on the day that he died if it is a weekend.

so i cant disapoint my kid, and in turn i am disapointed because i cant go away with jim. he said maybe we can do it in february... and no, i have no idea where he was going to take me, i did not ask because i did not want to be even more upset about not being able to go.....

and on the other hand.... i am sooooo happy with the effort he is putting forth lately..... he's a good boyfriend, i think i'll keep him!

and ps....to those who have commented lately, it was really nice to hear from new people and even more special that we are all related thru caleb potters blog!

extra extra read all about it
first of all, i have changed the settings on the site and anyone can comment now.
if you want to leave a comment just click on the bottom of that days post where it says 'comments' and you can write in the box and then click anonymous and save or send or post or whatever the box says and you can leave me a comment without hassle!

second, there is a horrific beeping coming from the storage space next door to me and it wont stop and i want to poke my eyes out.

third, things are going well.... josh and i are getting along, every thing is going well with jim, mom's health is good right now (Knock wood) and i think i have a handle on things ... for now!

i look around myself and see the upheaval that has taken place in my bedroom and i want to scream, or throw it all out.... or something.... but i know that i can fix it all very soon, with time... and i should have time to devote to it this week... i hope!

ready for bed, it is going to get cold again tomorrow, i am NOT looking forward to it.
torchlight parade is saturday, i hope it is not freezing then, even with a giant bonfire, it is still pretty cold out there.

i put up my tree this weekend and we finished decorating it last night
when we were done we listened to xmas carols on the radio and sang together (josh and i)
it was fun
i find when i listen to xmas music alone i get sad
and i started to last night, and i decided that i had to change my attitude. sure i always wanted that picture perfect situation in my head about xmas
the boyfriend/husband who was there and attentive
the perfect xmas day where we would not have to drive all over creation and just relax in our own home.
but i dont have that, i never had that, i never will have that.... so why do i hang onto that in my head.
i am a strong woman and should be proud of myself for being a single parent for all these years.
i make a good home for my son and we do just fine.
we have our traditions and no one can take that away from us.
sure right now i am not in a situation where i wake up with my man on xmas morning, but i did not have that last year and the years with zeke were not 'warm and fuzzy' either.
so maybe that is to come, and if it never comes, that is ok too.
i do have a man who is crazy about me and has his own daughter to take care of... and our paths cross when they can. maybe next year or the year after that will be closer to what i imagine, but for now i need to be happy with what i have.
dont let that damn xmas music get you down!

josh is camping.... he is crazy
it is cold cold cold
but i am sure he is fine.
have to pick him up early tomorrow in time to get to church to lead the youth group and then he has to practice with the band.... then
xmas tree time!!
gonna get one and set it up tomorrow and he still has homework to finish
i am finally starting to get into the xmas spirit
not sure why now, and not sure if it will last
i sucked at my diet today, well not all day, but i ate about every chip that jean had in her house so i really messed it up then
feel like i am going to explode
did 5 loads of laundry today and have not put it away yet.... hmmm 10:28 pm

i realized that i had not written in several days
mostly because of being tired and not wanting to
i have hit a new point in my life
the point where mother of 13 year old
meets holiday season
meets growing closer to boyfriend
meets stressing about money
meets trying to be myself at all costs

i'm there!

so many little things are happening in my life
nothing really earth shattering but all building upon each other to make the teetering pile that is my life
josh is working very hard with school and since i have taken a greater interest in his school work he seems to get along better with me.... maybe he was just looking for that from me, who knows.

the holiday season is upon us, and thank god we (people in my life) have decicded to cut back a bit on gifts, i still have to get something for my mom and i am making frames for josh's pics and i still have to do that. but other than that, my xmas shopping is done. and most is wrapped already too.

my boyfreind.... wow, what can i say.... things are slowly progressing, i feel very very comfortable with him, i have no reason to be threatened of jealous of with him, he makes me feel great every time we talk or see each other .... he even made me dinner last night. i have never had any man make dinner for me EVER! he is so sweet and i am sooo happy.

money... huh! well.... i asked for a raise today. i was an emotional wreck. i decided i would never be caught up enough to be at the place i want to be when i asked, so i just asked. he was very receptive to listen to me and said he would have to talk to my other boss who is out this week but would let me know. something happens to me when i get emotional when i have to talk to him about stuff, i just close the door and let my guard down. i hate to cry but i really really could not help it
with the pressure of paying the bills, having my credit card maxed out and not quite sure how i will pay the rent this month, it just all built up and i lost it.
but i feel much better since i asked. it was a hurdle i had not wanted to cross over and i just bit the bullet and asked.

there is alot in my head these days and i try to keep it all sane but sometimes it does not work.
i am totally surpised that i am still getting up early and excercising every day for 20 minutes. i can feel a difference in my stamina and mood but no difference in my weight or body yet... dammit.

well, josh is camping all weekend at northwest park, crazy boys! it is freaking cold out there.
i have about 5 loads of laundry to do and maybe just stay in and keep warm....

feeling grouchy
stuck to my diet today
that is probably why
i want to go to bed but it is too early

gonna surf, maybe find something fun to look at

some days it is harder to live my life than others
the whole parent thing can get me down
sometimes i doubt my decisions
and i want to backtrack but i cant
it is 6:25 am and i have already worked out for 20 minutes and showered and dressed
no straight hair today again
i am just not in the mood.
i will do it tomorrow, i have to go to latham ny with my boss to check out a new computer system
my future is very clear these days on my horizon
i am able to look at things in small peices as well as large chunks
my role as a parent of a high school student is very clear to me, i wil never be off duty
he is smart but does not apply himself enough
i have a good friend whose kids are smart as well but they take the initiative to do all their homework, to A grade capacity, without even a prod or poke from a parent.
they are also a very happy stable two parent family as well, maybe that helps things out.
who knows what josh would be like if he had a normal father and a normal family all this time
who knows what he would be capable of if he had a normal dad who was still alive that he could strive to want to do well to impress.
i expect him to do well and when he does not, i get upset and angry.
i am worried because he is a math kid and he is not doing well in algebra.
they suggested that he would be suited for it, rather than pre-algebra but now he is struggling and i am confused and upset. i feel like my hands are tied because i dont understand algebra so i cant help him, i cant even look at his homework to see if he did it right.
we are meeting with the teacher today and he is on a mission to find a tutor during the day (taht does not cost money, we can get one afterschool but they cost money that i cant afford)

i see other things in my future, like the trip to colorado with my boss to see a computer system that i am nervous and aggitated about. nervous to fly, nervous to be away from josh on school days, nervous about traveling with my boss for that long.... i am sure i will be a better person afterward, and i am sure it will be the only time i will ever see colorado.... but still.... nervous.

and i see good things too like baby steps closer to jim and being in his life. those good things keep me going
they keep me smiling

i am going to steal some words today
written by my friend sharyn on her blog
-----
I remind you to stop and think about what really counts in life...run your fingers over the arms of the man you love, look deeply into the eyes of your child, touch the end of another nose with yours and breathe in their breath, kiss those magical lips with meaning, and remember, remember what it feels like to love.
----
how beautiful is this?
she is a beautiful person!

i cannot write like this, i dont have it in me. at least i dont think that i do.
i just trudge thru my day and write here about things i am doing and things i am going thru
but nothing is meaningful to anyone, nothing moves you ... or me for that matter.
back when i was an emotional wreck i may have written more that was deep and meaningful
but these days, not so much.

i tend to just float along. i often wonder if i should put this blog down.
the things that bother me are so small so often.
but i keep coming back to it
so i can get my feelings out in this manner.

i have bumps ahead of me on this road.
it is not smooth sailing yet! :)