some days it is harder to live my life than others
the whole parent thing can get me down
sometimes i doubt my decisions
and i want to backtrack but i cant
it is 6:25 am and i have already worked out for 20 minutes and showered and dressed
no straight hair today again
i am just not in the mood.
i will do it tomorrow, i have to go to latham ny with my boss to check out a new computer system
my future is very clear these days on my horizon
i am able to look at things in small peices as well as large chunks
my role as a parent of a high school student is very clear to me, i wil never be off duty
he is smart but does not apply himself enough
i have a good friend whose kids are smart as well but they take the initiative to do all their homework, to A grade capacity, without even a prod or poke from a parent.
they are also a very happy stable two parent family as well, maybe that helps things out.
who knows what josh would be like if he had a normal father and a normal family all this time
who knows what he would be capable of if he had a normal dad who was still alive that he could strive to want to do well to impress.
i expect him to do well and when he does not, i get upset and angry.
i am worried because he is a math kid and he is not doing well in algebra.
they suggested that he would be suited for it, rather than pre-algebra but now he is struggling and i am confused and upset. i feel like my hands are tied because i dont understand algebra so i cant help him, i cant even look at his homework to see if he did it right.
we are meeting with the teacher today and he is on a mission to find a tutor during the day (taht does not cost money, we can get one afterschool but they cost money that i cant afford)

i see other things in my future, like the trip to colorado with my boss to see a computer system that i am nervous and aggitated about. nervous to fly, nervous to be away from josh on school days, nervous about traveling with my boss for that long.... i am sure i will be a better person afterward, and i am sure it will be the only time i will ever see colorado.... but still.... nervous.

and i see good things too like baby steps closer to jim and being in his life. those good things keep me going
they keep me smiling