so i am getting closer, i almost had the opportunity to meet his daughter last night
this part of the relationship is very stressful for me because we want to be together but he has this wall up
i am so hoping he lets it down soon

going to scout tonight, i am not in the mood
i think i will be non-existent for a few weeks after tonight.
i will drop and go

have a craft fair saturday that i need to get ready for
i want to help laurel pack but it seems i never have time, going to try to squeak in an hour or so tomorrow night before the challenge open house

i am tired tonight but still have hours to go before i can rest
good bet i wont see jim tonight
have a call into him.... it is funny we will talk and email during the day but in the evening sometimes he is hard to get ahold of, and i need to just shrug it off cause it is no reflection on me, it is just when he has most of his appointments with clients and tenants

i am in the 'post visit' depression but it will pass soon, i know it.
i told him about that and he says he has it too.
it was nice to be with him last night, comforting

the next few weeks will be tight for money for me. have to pay the rent and that will take two weeks paychecks to scrounge it up.
hopefully i will sell some jewelry this weekend and make up some pocket money.
had to use the credit card for the first time in a long time at cvs tonight.... pissed me off but i did it anyway.

off to scouts soon

new post
new day
getting ready for work, i hope to get my act together this week more than i have recently
hoping to see jim very soon
but who knows about all that
it's a crap shoot still
slept well but could use alot more
as usual
gotta run
will write later on

someone was asking about my upcoming jewelry shows....they are listed to the right here on the blog.
if you are interested in anything in particular or would like i home party just drop me a line.
thanks so much for your interest.

busy day again
off to church then parade.... does not sound like much but it will take all day long

i think when my boyfriend goes away for the weekend, he is getting away from everything including me.
i have not heard from him since around 5 on friday, i can only assume that he is in mass with his relatives and he is fine. i have to get the point across to him that a call would have been nice....

oh i forgot to mention i did get to see jim the other night for about an hour and we had an excellent talk
then i got to see him thursday night and that was wonderful....
i hated leaving in the morning because i know i wont see him for a while.... it is that depression thing that i get....
at first i am still happy
then i realize i wont see him for a while and i get depressed
then it passes and i am fine

he expressed how he feels toward me
and i am thrilled
this is the best!

it is so weird
i am at a loss for this blog
when i was going thru all the match.com crap i had so much to write about
my feelings and the stupid things other people did
but now i only have lame things to write about

this was started to get me thru the break up with fucking whats his name (better known as the mother fucker pete) and it did help me get thru it, along with friends support and alot of wine.

then it was meant to help me with the strange new world of online dating... and it did. it was a way for me to vent about the crazy shit that happened on the dates, and the crazy way people were in real life after talking online or the phone for days.

i like the way by the end of the 3rd month i was 'ms. cut to the chase' and shot out emails and tried to make dates right away
i had the lets just move on mode in my head
pick em and weed em out.
that last weekend when i was emailing random people who did not live to far away and were cute and did not sound like psychos.... hoping beyond hope that at least one of them would chose to email me back..... dontcha know jim (aka the realtor) was the only one who did immediately.
i shoulda known right then :)
it would have been so much easier if my profile was still up but i had to keep it down cause of the professor.
but in the end, it all worked out just fine.

today is filled with stuff for me
lesson at 10
then help laurel pack at 11
then take josh to dinner at rainforest to celebrate.....HE MADE STAGE BAND!!!! whoo hooo!!
then i might go see 'asylum hill' they are playing in simsbury at the maple tree. but i wont go alone, only if jean is going too.
tomorrow is open house at church and i am making the punch... so i have to remember to buy the stuff for punch.
then i have to get josh to sage for the parade in his class A
then i will go hang out with the mcleod's to watch the parade.... that will go to about 5 and then we will go home.... unless i am forgetting something else... which i might be.

i am concerned about sally, she is quite down right now and i wish i could be there for her. but i know she will be fine, she is a fighter and a trooper and she will get thru this and things will be better on the other side of it all.

sometimes there is so much stress in our lives and we just dont know what to do about it all.
my stress right now is i hate my apartment, i wish it was different, i want to clean and maybe rearrange things. but not today, today is to help laurel
i think i have to come up with a cleaning schedule for myself
it is not like i live in squalor.... dont think that....
i just have alot of clutter... would love to get rid of the clutter.

so josh is up now and i am going to do my hair and have some breakfast.....
then the day starts....

i am in an excellent mood
i am listening to my 'godspell' soundtrack, reading my blogs i follow, knowing that i have a wonderful group of friends surrounding me and a boyfriend who i am crazy about and he feels the same way about me.
things are moving slowly forward, as all good things should.
jim is off for the weekend visiting relatives and i am going to keep myself busy around here....
helping laurel with packing, hoping to list that monstrosity of a bunkbed/desk in josh's room on craigslist or something this weekend so we can sell it and get it out of here.
the parade is this weekend as well as open house for the tuttle house for sunday school.
and there is always laundry to be done too :)
had a nice talk with sally tonight, hang in there girl, things will even out and get better.
remember my favorite saying when things seem crappy and out of control
"let go and let god"
have not heard from jean today at all, she was going to the casino, i hope she had fun and i hope she is ok..... i try not to worry anymore.... sometimes it does not work
:)

so here i sit waiting to hear from him

his daughter was at her mom's and might stay the night

i am prepared with a bag packed and josh would go to mom's for the night

he said he would know by 7 and it is 6:40

this is the part i really do hate.

i know that in the future this will not be an issue but for now (however long now lasts) i have to deal with it

i know that it could fall thru tonight

i also know that i might not get to see him for 2 weeks, it has happened before... i am sure it will happen again

i just hope it works out

but i am prepared for it to not work out... i have to prepare myself for that

he could call at any minute and say he is on his way to pick up his daughter

he could also call to say she is staying at her mom's

this 50/50 thing kills me



but he is so worth the wait



no i did not ask for a raise yet, but i did finish the huge pile of adjustments today

i never never thought i would finish them all.

i still have to apply them but that is the easy part

i also still have to teach nancy how to do them so i dont have to do them anymore but that is not so easy



i am going to get to go to east lyme on oct 7th i think for the day for training of their new counter guy. that will be fun to get out, and liza and i can go to lunch that day too.

maybe on my way back thru middletown i can catch up with jim too.... it would be a great day all around.



6:48 still no word.....
7:00 still no word......
grrr

ok i have some notes put together for asking for a raise but i also have to think about how much i want in case he asks. that will entail me making a budget so i can see exactly how much i am lacking to pay my bills.
so i am working on it

things are still going really well with jim
i am very happy with him

work.... i am still buried under a pile on my desk, but i am digging out

going to try to help laurel with some packing tonight after work if i cant see jim

josh and i are both getting over a little cold.... will be glad when the headaches stop

things to think about today
1) asking for a raise
2) need to make more jewelry, and order clasps and head pins
3) getting to sleep earlier is a good thing

the last few nights i have gotten in bed before 11 and have fallen asleep before 11 too. maybe that is the trick. usually i am up and running around or downstairs on the sofa watching tv till 11 then i come up here and do stuff on the computer and am up till midnight
i think i am starting to take advantage of the fact that my boyfriend is predictable in the fact that he will be asleep well before 10 so i can actually go to bed by then too, not fearing to miss a call or anything like that.

i need to get my act together to ask for a raise. they are giving me more responsibilities and i am sure they are probably planning on giving me one but i need to let them know i really need one. i have never asked for one and i dont work at a place that gives performance reviews or has a ladder of advancement.... so i cant ask someone who works for aetna or anything like that.... i have to find out how to do it in a smaller environment.
i know you are supposed to list your accomplishments, well i dont really accomplish much i just do my job everyday, lots of it, lots of tasks, everyday.
so i have to get a list together and i have to get my points together as to why i need the raise. and then i have to find a time to ask.

plus i am nervous about asking anyway.....
afraid of rejection... you know me!

josh auditioned for the stage band yesterday, he said he was only up against one kid and he is a year younger and josh heard him mess up thru the door.
i prepared josh so that either way he would not a) gloat or b) be angry at the other kid
i told him to act like a scout no matter what and if the other boy gets it instead of him and he is boasting, for him to remind him that is not how a scout would act. (the other kid is a younger scout too)

speaking of scouts.... another meeting tonight.... more boards....

like i was telling patrick last night
i am not feeling like i have to write as often these days
because i am feeling very content with jim and our relationship
that is what this whole thing started out as, me trying to get over one relationship
get ready to be able to have another one and then
finally the search for the person i might be looking for.
now that i am content, in a relationship, i dont feel the venting is necessary anymore

with the wedding and the float i was just so stressed out i could not find enough words to fill a paragraph, and now that that stress is over i dont have that either

so i guess i will ponder what to do with the blog now.
i am sure i will continue to write but it is not nearly as dramatic anymore
and i truly hope that i am with jim for a long time to come, so that there is no need for any drama

i guess i can sit here and think of things that are bothering me that i might want to continue to work thru with this blog.... because it is a journey to self, no matter how bumpy the road may be.

1) when will i get to meet his daughter and become a part of his daily life.... dont get me wrong, i dont want to move in with him.... i want to stay near mom, and stay in windsor for josh.... but mostly for mom.... but i think he thinks that is the 'next step' but we never discussed it.... so i think in the next month or so i will casually drop the hints that i need to stay in windsor as long as my mom is around.... stuff like that... so he does not think that my goal is to move in with him.... maybe someday... but certainly not now, certainly not in the next year cause i am about to sign my new lease.... i think if he knew that, maybe it might take off some pressure of meeting his daughter.

2) continuing to get to know him, it has only been 2 months, and although i know all the baggage, it will still be fun to continue to get to know him as a person, and he get to know me as well.

3) getting my act together at work, cathy is back this week and i hope that by the end of the week i will have my head on straight. my next vacation is in november, not going anywhere and i hope to get to play alot with jim during the days when the kids are in school.

4) getting my personal life in order..... meaning my living situation, i would love to rearrange and clean, i would love to move into a smaller storage space, i would love to reduce the amount of crap i own in this house.

ok so i have a few things i need/want to work on and they might provide good venting/ranting/writing materials

off to do my hair.... i wish it did not take so long to do.

he made it to the wedding
i am sooooo happy
he got there late and pawned his daughter off to the neybas house but he made it happen.
i am soooo happy.... i already said that, huh?
it was a fun wedding, a bit disorganized but it went off without a hitch
it was a nice evening and i am glad it is over
cathy is very happy and that is all that matters to me.

i have a bead party at laureens today.... which is good cause i need to make jewelry myself and i need to make some money as well

i am done painting the float and the wedding is over so now i can get back to my normal state of being.... what ever that is.

i had a wonderful night with jim and we went to breakfast this morning too. i am still on the high of seeing him and spending time with him..... but if i look back at the recent history i have been able to see him two days a week (one being a weekend night) for the last several weeks. granted my extra day this week was lunch not an evening because the mother is useless ..... but still i got two days.
he knows he needs time away from her too, he knows he needs the time with me just as much as i need it with him.

so i am off to do an errand and then get ready for the bead party.

today is the wedding and i cant wait for it all to be over
i have to shoot out at 8 to see if i can get a manicure
josh has a lesson at 10
i have to paint the float and not mess up my manicure at 11
be at mom's for 2:30
jim is still trying to get a sitter
i am not holding my breath
this is going to be a very hectic day for me

tonight was cathy and bills rehearsal and dinner
the wedding will be a fiasco, i just know it

sally this is your reminder.... the wedding is tomorrow :)

the dinner was at marco polo
i have not been there in like 20 years.... i think that was the last time they cleaned their bathrooms.... only joking.
i hope i hope i hope that jim can get a sitter for tomorrow
but i know there is a strong possibility he cant.... but i know he is trying to.
i will be so glad when tomorrow is over :)
going to bed now, i hope i can sleep.

another busy day at work
glad it is over
so freaking happy with jim in my life
cant even express it
still hoping he can make the wedding but i dont think it will happen
after work i made dinner, went to paint the float for a while, went to a committee meeting and then filled mom's pill box.
i actually worked on sorting beads too and making clasps.
i have a party sunday so i have to be ready.
i hope to god i make a few bucks i need the money

hope i sleep tonight, cramp free

i feel gross today
i am going to blame the carbs

yesterday jim surprised me by coming up to take me to lunch
(i had pizza with him because it was easier than ordering a salad and wrestling with a salad, hence the carbs)
it was so nice to see him
the wedding is still up in the air, so i am still prepared that i will not be able to see him.
it will suck but that is how we roll apparently.....

i still hope the mom takes her tonight or tomorrow night even just so i can see him again soon.
this week is so busy for me but next week is not so bad.

i have to fit that float in somewhere.... will try to go at lunch today and do a little bit.

went for beer and ate some fries off patricks plate last night, that might be what is making me feel gross too.... thank you patrick for the ride and the snacks.....

i did not sleep well, i had to jump up with leg cramps about 4 times, that is alot for me. work is still just as hectic but the week is nearing an end and i can see light at the end of the tunnel.

i hope.....

never got a return call and that makes me feel that he did have his daughter, i think if he did not he would have called more than once, or at least heard my vm and realized that my phone was malfunctioning.
so i am hoping that i did not miss that opportunity
lately it has been one day mid week and one day on the weekend and i know that could stop at any moment because the mom is crazy
i just never want to miss an opportunity to see him when i see him so infrequently.
even if i was at scouts i could have gotten josh settled and shot out to see him for a while even if just for a few hours.
it is like a long distance relationship without the distance.

work still sucks, probably will till next tuesday when cathy is back and up and running again.
i pray i dont get another shop drawing because that will just kill any progress i am making. i finally applied all the cash, and now i have a ton of credit cards to apply....i just always seem to be behind the 8 ball these days.
the bad part is the pile underneath all the regular work is all the invoices i have to 'fix' that were billed wrong.... if nancy was up to speed she could help me with them but she is not yet, so i still have to do them myself.

then next week I HAVE TO do the bank statement otherwise i will end up a month behind again.

it is alot to keep straight and so far i kinda have a handle on it all. even though i am not caught up.
tonight josh has a merit badge meeting and i have open house. i hate open house.
thurs i have a committee meeting for scouts, friday is the rehearsal for the wedding and sat, i have to paint the float in the day and the wedding is at night. sunday i have church and a jewelry party at 2...... not a moment to stop and rest.... not a moment to see jim..... not a freaking moment!!!

i am pissed off at myself
actually i am pissed at my phone
for some reason it was not receiving phone calls this evening... so i missed jeans call and i missed jims call.
i hate that.
first of all it seems like i am being rude, which i am not, and second what if jim was going to tell me that he did not have his daughter tonight.... i would be pissed!
i am pissed anyway
fucking phone
i have no idea why it happened either.

went to scouts tonight and they kept me around for 3 board of reviews, that took up the whole meeting time.
and then when i got home i tried to use the phone and it would not dial, so i turned it off and turned it back on and then it worked... but by then jean was probably watching big brother and i did not want to disturb her
and it was an hour after jim had called me.... and i got his vm when i called him back

argh!

so i get a little down when i cant see jim
we are both so busy and i am busier than i used to be
before if he called i was able to just shoot out and see him for a while
but now with scouts and church and the float and mom and jewelry, i will not be able to do it so easily.
still hoping he can go to the wedding with me but who knows about that.
i am prepared if he cant... but i really wish he could
right now i am waiting for a return phone call which i may not get
last week he spoke to me every night before bed.... not so much this week.
and i always have in the back of my head, maybe he will call and say he does not have his daughter....but most times that does not happen.
i do wish i could be with him more, but like i tell him all the time, he is worth the wait.
i know that if this lasts and i think it will, by this time next year things will be totally different for us.
it is just getting to that point
i know that this is up to him, not letting me be around his daughter
and i know it is because he has learned from mistakes made in the past.
but i think of the holidays without him, and that would suck.
and his birthday..... i just want to be with him more than i am
oh well, such is life.

i colored my hair today so i will look spiffy for the wedding and i tried on the dress and shoes... they look good.
i made seared scallops with browned butter sauce for dinner.... yummy.

now we have to go to scouts, it is my turn for snack and laureen wants help with board of review so i am there for the long haul.

if he calls, i will still find a way to get there.....

patrick you are the only person who ever comments on this blog....
others comment in emails and in person....

i never seem to want to write much anymore. i dont have these crazy feelings anymore like no one will ever want me or anything like that
i am quite happy with jim and things are going well.
i dont see him nearly as much as i would like but i know the deal and this is the way it will be for a while.

not sure when i will see him next ... i am hoping for the wedding.... i am actually hoping for sooner.
we only played vm tag today did not actually get to talk to him but i know he is alive and there is no reason for me to freak :)

work SUCKS
it is hectic and crazy and i am not caught up yet and i want to run screaming from the building.
they know i am working hard and dont really jump on my case when i am like this but i hate being this crazy busy.

i am sleepy but not... i will take a pill to get some rest cause i will need it tomorrow.