new post
i will call this new post

well, i got a new car, 2011 nissan versa, love it

and my new creative thing is i am taking a class for soapstone carving.
i am not sure about it
i tried to take this class last year and there were not enough people so they sent my money back....
now this time around, i saw it offered again and i said to myself, screw them it was cancelled last time and i was looking forward to it. so i threw the book away. then a week or so ago i got a call from the adult ed dept asking me if i would take the class because they almost had enough people to have the class this time. so i reluctantly agreed.

now i am taking it and i am not sure what will come of it.
they have us working on a block of plaster to get used to the tools
i started out not knowing what to carve
then i thought i would do a bird, but i could not really 'see' the bird in the 4 x 4 block of plaster... i still cant
and then i started chipping away at it and realized
a) how hard it is to control the tools
b) how tiring it is to do this
c) and how pointy a bird it (beak and tail) so i decided to not make a bird
i will post it when i have something worth posting....

even though i still cant see the animail in the block but i decided on a very simple bear. and so i was chipping away at it tonight until my arm was too tired.

ok so my car has to have MORE work done to it AGAIN
i have decided that it is costing too much money lately, i have put well over 7k into it in the last (under) two years... not to mention all i put into it previous to me remembering how much i have spent recently on it.

so now i am confused as to what to do next.
i dont really want to buy a used car because my dad always said you are buying someone elses problems
and a new car costs so much money
AND i love my little cruck, i dont want to get rid of it

so i am looking at all the car makers lowest priced models, whether they seat 5 or not. now i am debating trying to learn to drive a standard so i can save some money, but i just dont think i can do it. i have no faith in myself.
but i would save probably 1k at least getting a standard
i will give it a try but i hate learning new things and i just dont think i will be good at it. i tried once before a really long time ago.

also looking at the prices, i am not sure if i can afford anything at all.
it is depressing really

burts dad is here to help us get things done around the house this weekend, so far they have put up our cool house numbers that we bought in p-town in april, shimmed up the kitchen counter, secured the microwave, put in a cat door, and now they are working on hanging a basement door.
this is great, we should have him up 4 times a year just to get shit done!!

burt means well but he is easily diverted by many things. i love him, but it is true.

the weather has turned and it is no longer crazy hot these days
i love this weather.

i am trying to organize my stuff in the office, not making much headway, i would love to clear the space so if i wanted to work on jewelry, or painting, or mobiles or anything, i will be able to do it without wondering ....hmmm where will i set this up?

the rest of the day consists of dinner with burts dad and josh and greg and then maybe a fire in the fire pit.
tomorrow not much going on until band practice at 4 tomorrow afternoon.
i like weekends like these with out a huge adgenda.

lets see..... what have i been up to
work. work. work. work. piles. piles. work. work.
but.... the weekend is on the way thank god!
i am so ready to not do this office work stuff anymore, but unfortunately i have to keep it up for another 7 years.... ugh!
but then.... watch out! i am outahere, well, just outathere... i hope... but not holding my breath.

team paragon (josh's robotics team) is back in full swing and i have joined the admin side since burt is a programming mentor, i figured what the hell, everyone else is there, i may as well go too. so there are some requirements that i need to get done with that...

and school started today so i am geared up for that stuff too... hoping for a good year with less effort on my part this time around

josh had his cardiologist appointment yesterday and everything looks normal, thank god.

allison is back up at uconn starting today, greg's school starts next week

i feel like i have a handle on most things but still not sleeping well and not happy about that at all.

listening to the neybas right now and it makes me happy. i hope that they play again soon, but i dont think they will.

my head spins thinking of what i need to do tomorrow.... i hope i sleep.

it is amazing how just writing how i feel about something really 'gets it off my chest' and i feel that i have dealt with it, at least for now.
i go thru spurts of wanting to write.
sometimes it is poetry and sometimes (most times) it is just ranting about what i am feeling and what i am going thru.

school starts in two days, and i am aprehensive knowing what we went thru last year.
i hope that he is more mature and takes things more seriously
but i have to be prepared for him not to be.
and that sucks for me

we go school shopping for binders etc tonight. next week all the meetings start up again and then life is as hectic as it always was.

have to mindfully keep making the best of the weekends so that they feel like time off.

going to the cape this weekend
i cant wait to see it, smell it, be in it!
it sounds crazy but it is really like home away from home for me.
there is something about the way the sun hits the trees and the water, the way the breeze smells, there is no place on earth like it... or at least no place i have ever been before.

it is not so much the fact that it is near the ocean, the narrow land that we stand on between the sea and the bay... there are lots of place that are like that.
it is the fact that i 'know' it there. i am comfortable there and things are soothing to me there.

we will stay with sally in eastham and i look forward to seeing her.
we will most certainly get my oyster stew at the bookstore restaurant in wellfleet
and we will stop in galleries and look at the beautiful art that we cannot afford and be calm while we walk thru the rooms gazing at beautiful things and paintings.

i look forward to being alone with burt and not being at the house. we have had lots of time alone this summer while josh was away, but we always had things to do.... bills to pay, yard work to do, etc etc etc
this will be nice to just have nothing special to do for two days.

so i have been thinking these days about the way my life has turned.... for the better.
i think if how i was when i was married, always walking on egg shells and wondering what would happen next in my life. always hoping for a calm normal day or night and never having one.... ever
i think of how it was when i dated zeke and how much i wanted us to be together, really together and he was never able to give that to me. how i really tried to make it work no matter what and it was never 'right', it was never what i was looking for.
i think of how i felt with pete, how he promised me the world and i believed him. how i gave him everything i had for those few months and when he dumped me i felt crushed like i would never love again. like i would never have the will to do anything ever again. how every damn thing i did reminded me of him.
i remember going to the cape and feeling that this was the only place where i could be that did not remind me of him.
i also remember how i felt when i came back from the cape and decided to go onto match.com
and how each man i dated i felt a connection with and how i really wanted to make this one 'work' but they never did.
how eyeore always had so many issues that he didnt have time for me and he just faded away. how the professor never had time for me either. and how jim could not let me into his life fully. always kept at arms length made me feel inadequite. they all made me feel like i was not enough of a woman for them, like i could not play a part in their lives. i was not worthy.
and when i met burt, how i felt like i could be myself and i could feel wanted and loved and like i was enough for him and i was worthy of being in a relationship.
everything melted into something good.
now, months and months later i have been contacted by all of them.
eyeore contacted me via email/IM telling me he messed up and i was his needle in a haystack and he didnt even know it.
the professor contacted me via text message asking if i wanted to get together and he missed me..... MISSED ME... HAHAHAHAHA he barely ever saw me or talked to me on the phone and he didnt even know me.... how can you miss me.
and jim contacted me once via email saying he was looking for a freind to talk to, but i was not online at the time so i missed it.
and pete.... every time pete is in the waterbury branch, he asks about me, quite often.
i think it is so funny and odd that these people didnt want to be with me but they regret their actions after the fact.
i also think it is funny how the means of contact these days especially if you are embarassed to contact someone is via technology rather than a regular phone call.
and i think it is wonderful that i am able to be with a man who loves me for me
who wants to be with me
enjoys me
and i can be myself with him.

i have thought alot about this stuff lately, and wonder how they all are. being the good person that i am, i hope that they are ok and they are happy and find what ever it is that they are looking for....even pete, the one who crushed me more than anything ever has in my life.

i strive for some sort of peace in my heart and i think i have it pretty good right now.

long freaking day
lots of interruptions and not alot got done
now i am home with josh and his friend nick
burt is at a red sox game with his brother.
i have to make dinner for the boys, we might have a fire pit and
marshmallows later and then they will be up to a million o'clock and i
will go to bed because i have to go back to work at the crack of dawn again tomorrow

thinking of grilling chicken, it is thawed... and we have a grill.... so why not!

i went to a music festival this weekend where a local band that i love played. they used to play all the time, every month for years, i only started going to see them when josh was about 2. but my friend jean told me about them for years... they started playing in 83 i think.
so anyway, this band used to play every month and at a certain point in my life with my ex-husband i decided that he gets to do what ever the hell he wants all the time, i am going to have something for myself too.
so after years of jean asking me if i wanted to come out to see the neybas with her, i finally said yes. it did not go over well but i stood my ground.
i loved it, i loved the music, i love how i felt like i was 'ok' here and i was surrounded by people who were only there for the music and the good time.
i latched on and every month without fail i went and met jean and her then husband steve at what ever venue they would play at... usually the hungry tiger in manchester or arch street tavern in hartford. i felt comfortable at both of those places and i felt comfortable with this group of people.
when the music started around 9:30, usually on a saturday night, i would get right up front with jean and stand there and dance the entire night. my hips would hurt the next day but it was a good hurt.
the first few times it was so loud my ears would ring for hours afterwards... but now adays i am used to the loud :)
so starting in around 95 until they stopped playing somewhere around 07 we went every month if we could.
then one day they stopped playing, and i was so upset.
by then i was no longer married but the music still did something to me inside.
last year in the summer they got together and played a relatively short set (not the whole evening) and it was great!! we all got together again and it was like old times.
but then they did not play again.... now this year they played at this festival on saturday and it was a full set, almost 3 hours of their music... and i was so happy to be there.
these days with facebook, you can friend people that you would not usually speak to... so i had friended 3 of the main members of the band and was able to hear the updates leading up to the date... and all the comments afterward.
i was able to get a few songs on video and i am so glad for this. it took me a while to figure out how to post them and then a while to load them.... but the members of the band were grateful and have commented on how they like the videos even tho they are raw.
the drummer wrote to me and i responded by telling him that the neybas music is like comfort food to me.... all the while i used to go see them play i would be able to be in my own little world where everything was OK and i could be happy for a while.

this past weekend seeing them play again, sharing them with burt, being able to put the videos up online so others can watch them too.... i feel very satisfied with this.
and at the same time i feel an empty hole, knowing they wont play again for a year or ever... who knows what the future holds....
at least i have the videos to watch now and then and i have the memories of all the times i shared with these friends and the smiles it brings to my face.... they are priceless.

and thank you oregon.... at least that is where i think my anonymous commenter is from... either that or mass... it is very helpful and wonderful to have your guidance when i seem to be lost in my words.

it kind of bothers me that i cannot write like alot of people can write.
then it comes to me that they are telling a story and most times i am just writing my feelings ... right now.
it is easier to tell a story. more details flow.
when i used to blog about my match.com life, alot of it was stories of the crazy madcap crap that happened when calling emailing and dating this person you never met before in your life.
but when i sit here and try to write my feelings, they come harder than a story.

a friend of mine is writing on facebook but may start a blog about the seventies when he was a kid. and he has tons of stories with infinite details.

so i sit here wondering what i will write about and how to describe it all so that it is compelling and make people want to read my stuff.

my life is not exactly compelling.
we finished clearing out burts storage space yesterday and today we will tackle mine. if we clear them out by the end of the month we will save a few hundred dollars a month, which would be very cool.
we are just bringing it all here and storing it in the garage, but then the problem to tackle is going thru the boxes and sorting, keeping, throwing, donating so that the boxes minimize in numbers and we can then again park a car in the garage.
there is so much stuff.... it is overwhelming for me to think of the amount of stuff.
it is one thing to keep the stuff about kids, projects papers picture.... but then there is the crap, the stuff that is saved just for the sake of saving, the hoarding or at least organized hoarding that is going on. and i am really not the culprit here. i have NO problem throwing things away or donating them i just dont have the time to devote to the throwing and donating. but my beloved i fear has issues with this subject
and as we now have the boxes here it will be interested to see how often he makes the time to go thru and throw out and donate.
cross your fingers for us.

i just brought josh back to camp in bozrah for the last time this summer, camp ends on tuesday. i have driven 90 miles each round trip. he has been home one day a week since school got out. he has become more mature, responsible, lost weight, gained muscle, made friends and made money. all in all..... it was worth it i think.

what gives a person character really?
hard work
strong love
respect of others

i am proud of my boy for the work he has done this summer and i hope that it helps him in the coming school year
i do dread it....but it is inevitable

today we will be playing with storage spaces, clearing them out to save some money.... if we finish by the end of the month we can both close them out and save a few hundred dollars.

it is 9:30am on saturday and we have a window of about 6 hours to play with.
i hope that we get something good accomplished.
it is a beautiful day and not too hot yet as well
the sun is shining and not a cloud in the sky
i am able to look around here and feel at peace. not peace like when i am at the shore or more especially at the cape... but still, i think i am infusing the cape into my home life and picturing the peace that the cape brings me
i do love being in rhode island but honestly the cape has my heart.... and i am not sure why.
it is the comfort of years i think
the comfort of having gone to the cape for 27 years and knowing alot of the towns near the tip of the cape like the back of my hand
and the fact that i know a few people who live there, and i can connect with them when i come to visit.
maybe in time i will have the same love for RI

i miss my kid
hard to believe this is the same woman who just a few short weeks ago was screaming at him every morning to hurry up and get ready and screaming about grades and wishing the freshman year to be over.... but he has been gone away to camp where he works with cub scouts all summer long.
aside from the one week we took for family vacation a month ago, i have seen him one day a week since school got out.... and i miss him.
i get to pick him up tonight around 8:30pm and he will be asleep by the time we get back to windsor i guarantee!!
he gets his retainer tomorrow and his blues band is playing in the town center from 1-3 pm i wont be able to stay and watch tho, i have to go back to work.
after they play maybe i can spend some time with him before he has to go to bed and get up and be brought back to camp at the crack of dawn on saturday morning.
BUT camp is almost over and the last day is next tuesday.... i am excited to get him back in my life.... granted i will be screaming at him again in no time, but right now i miss him.

and then school starts the following week... and then it begins again.
thinking of school makes me sleepy already. last year was alot of work for both of us.
i hope for a better year this year.

i find myself working very hard these days at work and when i get home i am not working very hard here, and i guess that is ok too.
i have a few things that need to get done, pay a few bills
but i dont feel much like doing anything. this week we have watched a few movies and i have made dinner and cleaned the kitchen up... but as for anything else.... i am out of it for now.

i am glad when i write on the blog, at least i feel i have accomplished something other than every day.... day to day.... stuff.

lately i am worrying about college, how am i gonna pay for it....
i worry about the paperwork involved and the research
and the forms to fill out.... eek! i hate forms!
i worry about scholarships and if he will get any and how to apply and what school he will go to and if it will be a fortune or only a half a fortune...
he is going into 10th grade and i know i dont have to worry too much right now about it but i am... and i do...

so i finally read the watercolors for beginners book
which really i am not a total beginner because i have painted before with both watercolors and acrylics
and i pretty much am not going to follow anything in the book
my paintings in my head are much more abstract than the examples in the book
so when i get around to it, i will just paint what comes to me
and when i get sick of it, i will put it down.

still trying to be creative with food too. made a dinner tonight that would have been much better if the cut of meat was better .... but still it looked pretty and burt liked it... so i guess it was a win.

kim and bruce came for a visit yesterday and it was so nice
i freaked out until they were there and once they were i was fine
i am always like that when people are coming over.

i took a nap today, what a time sucker that was.... like two hours ... gone....
but it was a nice weekend none the less and it is only 9 so i still have a little more awake time today.

it has cooled off the last few days so we are able to keep the windows open and ac off... such a treat
i love the sounds outside
the crickets in the evening and the birds in the day time.
and the breeze when there is one is heavenly.

my anonymous commenter keeps telling me that i should just let it be and let the creativity come when it comes
makes perfect sense.
been running around all morning doing cleaning in case kim and bruce come for a visit. i feel much better about the way the house looks now. burt is rearranging the garage so that we can clean out our storage spaces and save some money per month to pay for bills etc.
i have made it thru a bunch of my paper work, and i am loading cd's into the itunes on my old computer.
i feel very accomplished and it is only 1:30.
the commenter also mentions that creativity comes in cooking too.
i have been more interested in cooking these days
it is all about the ingredients
i have not had much of anything on hand the last few weeks and we have been going out to eat alot because it was more convenient.
but with real food around i have made a few tasty things lately.

i still have not painted and still dont feel like it either.
maybe soon

kim and bruce are coming tomorrow for a visit and i am freaking out about cleaning the house, burt has been a huge help.
chipmunks dug in between stones in the new patio,i am frustrated and want to give up on the yard
dont think there will be any time for trying to be creative this weekend. too much going on and too much to do!

someday.... maybe....

creativity.... hmm what is that?
i have been so tired since we finished the patio that i just get from point a to point b and that is about it.
i actually made dinner tonight for the first time since last week.
and i have not done my time on the eliptical today or yesterday, i actually feel like i am coming down with something.... which would suck. i hate summer colds.

i have yet to get to a place were i have nothing to do and have time to be creative again.
if it is not finishing work in the yard, patio edging, planting landscaping around the house.
then there is the fact that the house need decorating, paint etc etc
and then there is the pile of paperwork in my office that needs to be gone thru and filed and chucked, which ever applies.
and then there is the storage space that i pay a good chunk of money for each month that i should clean out.... but where to put it all?

it seems that all of these things come before creativity. any day of the week.
and i want to paint, i want to do something pretty... but i dont have the drive for it right now.
i suppose the gardening etc is a form of creativity and the decorating and painting surely is..... but getting there
that is always my battle .... getting there.

well we finished it, we have about 8 yards of crushed glass that i have no idea what we are going to do with.
we finished around 12:30 this afternoon. it is nice, smaller than i had hoped but we spent more money than i had planned to.... so there is no way we were going to buy more rocks to make it bigger. it is fine the way it is. i have some issues with the crushed glass, i dont trust walking in bar feet around it... but we dont usually walk in bare feet out there anyway. and i wonder if it will wash away when it rains.

but it is pretty and i am glad we did it.

well we worked last evening till dark, we starting early today and stopped around 4:30 because we could not lift the stones anymore.
it was not as creative as i had hoped but it feels good to do manual labor.
we raked and evened up the land, staked out the area we were thinking of covering, this morning i got up early and laid out all the fabric, and then we put a layer of crushed stone on top of that. then we started laying the giant slabs of stone. they weighed a ton and we are very tired now. we are not done by a long shot but we are spent for the day.
tomorrow we will finish laying the stones and then even up the surface with more crushed glass... the fill the veins and be done with it..... maybe :)

first day of working on the yard
we (burt) mowed it very low and we raked up the sticks etc so they dont rot under our patio
burt chopped at some roots and we debated how to put it all together.
i am excited to start on the next step which is after we get it cleared of stumps etc we can put down the fabric and then a thin layer of crushed glass
then we can start to put the big flagstones together like a big giant puzzle
i look forward to moving on
it is an exciting time for me
this is creative and exercise and makes my heart pound :)

i am feeling that i like to write each day again like i used to when i was blogging about my crusades in the world of match.com

there is an anonymous commenter to my blog these days and i am not sure who it is, so if you do comment again, please let me know who you are
i am glad that someone is still reading and sharing this journey with me :)

i feel like my journey is turning a corner these days, i feel that i am doing my best to keep a handle on things, and still try to write and be creative. still enjoy the summer, even tho it is half over already!

i do miss josh when he is away all week at camp. he is only home the one day each week and i am glad he is having fun working at camp but i do miss him. but i do not miss the hounding him to do his homework... i dont miss that a bit!

so we are on our way to getting our patio
i arranged the crushed glass today and about half of it was delivered, it is so cool, nothing like i planned. it is very small, like sand almost and white and shiny when the sun hits it.
then we ordered two pallets of flagstone, two different colors.
we are going to put down some fabric then a thin layer of the crushed glass, then the stones will go in like puzzle pieces and then more crushed glass between them.
i cant wait to get started!!
this will be a creative experience for me!!
and once it is done, it will be a creative space for me to enjoy.....

so today was the first day back
i did get up and exercise, that was a good thing
but i ate too much and my stomach hurts and i dont feel like doing anything productive right now.
we were going to go to the jam at the hungry tiger but i am not feeling up to it tonight.
it is already 9:04 and i have tons of laundry to fold and i have tons of paperwork to do.... and yet i sit here blogging and facebooking instead.

not creative at all today, but i have good intentions and maybe they will show themselves tomorrow.
i did not sleep well last night, i was worried the alarm would not go off since it had been so long since i had used one :)

work was not as bad as i had expected it to be, maybe another day and i will be caught up and be able to get back to making collection calls again. that will be good. i like to be caught up at work so at least that part of my life is 'in place'

todays poem was actually written a few days ago
i am not feeling this way today but i did want to post it
tomorrow i am back to work and i am not looking forward to it, but it has to be done and i will just try to take my new stance on things starting tomorrow
i will get up early and exercise
then off to work to do my very best in the time i am given
josh gets his braces off tomorrow and then i bring him back to camp tomorrow night
i will do some house work every day but i will also leave time to play and time to write
----------------

anger rises in me
pulse quickens and then heat fills my face
I try to calm down and I usually can
but sometimes I have to say what is on my mind
sometimes I have to speak the words that will make me feel better
when I do this I wonder if I am wrong
I wonder if I should have just kept quiet
but when I am angry, I cannot help speaking my feelings
and I know that I might anger someone else in the process
but I have to show my emotions somehow
I cannot hit someone
or throw things
I need to express how I feel with my words

well we are home
at least josh and i are home
burt left about 2 hours after we left but i expect him home soon
again i feel that all the wind is out of my sails now that i am home
i hate that feeling
back to the humdrum

burt is home now and we are putting things away slowly
we are going to meet jean at Angelico's lake house and see a band called
asylum hill. it will be nice but i dont want to stay late
just a short visit with jean and hear a few songs, maybe get something to eat too.
josh rode his bike to a friends house around the way and he is supposed to be home by 6:30... it is currently 6:27

i do have some inspiration here at home
i have the back yard with the birds and bunnies etc
it is like looking into the woods when you look out our back door.
but the ocean is really what inspires me, although it really didnt this past week
i only wrote
maybe i didnt take out the paints because it was so close in the cottage and i didnt feel i could spread out like i needed to.
i am self conscious about how my painting looks and i dont really like people to look over my shoulder while i am painting and there certainly would be few people there to make a comment or two.... even if they were good comments, still they would be comments.
it makes me self conscious and makes me not want to paint unless i am alone.
silly

so i just finished my book
it was really good
i once again have a fondness for molly ringwald
in the end of the book she touches on 'what did you want to be when you grew up'
and it is really only a few sentences but it had reiterated what i have been harping on myself these last few months
what do i want to be, what do i want to do
i am still not really sure
but i do enjoy reading and never have the time to do much of it
i think i will start with trying to rearrange my days
not much i can do with the my work day
it is what it is
but before i go to work and once i get home, that time is mine, and i can arrange it and do what i want with it.
this summer it is easier because of the time off from school, josh's school i mean, and the enforcement of homework etc etc which drives me insane
but in the summer while he is at camp and the few weeks after camp before school starts i still have time to just relax and get into a regular schedule.
if i can do that, maybe i will be happier
i would love to cook dinner every night, i like a home cooked meal better than eating out unless it is something i really cant cook well.
and it is cheaper and better for us if i cook in.
i would love to get a grill and maybe we will purchase one after we get back.
i would like to have time each day to exercise
and do some stretching like yoga etc, i think this will be good for me
and i would like time to read
and time to do a craft or paint a room in the house each week.
these are all things to think about
i can try to put them into action
------------
today's poem

In search of...


A bumble bee flies past my window
the row of sea spray roses outside had
mostly all gone by
the low shrubs covered with the
plump pale orange rose hips
only a few last roses of summer remain
funny how they are the last roses of summer
yet it is not even the end of July yet

the bumble bounces
from branch to branch
to find a rose to dive into
he finds a group of three
he dives in
whole body completely engulfed in the roses
pretty bright pink petals
he rummages around in there
in circles
gathering the stuff he is looking for
then he hops out and tries the next two flowers in the cluster
the other two obviously do not have as much content as the first

while he is bustling around
he disrupts other bugs from their slumbering spots
he is on a mission
when he is done with these three flowers
he moves on down the line
looking for one more
last rose of summer

so i got a new book today
'getting the pretty back' by molly ringwold
i have been devouring the book, it is written so that i can understand it well, which is hard for me to find books like that
and she seems so nice too.
she writes about how as time goes on, and you get older, you can loose your 'pretty' whatever form it may have taken at any point in your life, and it is possible to get the pretty back in your life again. be an authentic person and be yourself.

it is thursday of our vacation week and it is so sad to know that we have to go home soon
it is wonderful that we have this available to us, i feel very privileged to have the opportunity to be here.
i hope that we can come back again in the fall.
i have not felt the creative bug as much as the last few times i was near the shore
maybe it is because i have decided that my creativity is mainly in the form of words and beading and maybe something with beading and words combined.
i do not have the talent to draw so anything that contains drawing is not going to work for me
but i can paint a picture with my words pretty well

watching these teenagers interact is very interesting
you have popular and not so popular
you have geek and cool
you have leaders and followers
it is funny how the geek and not popular tend to not follow
maybe it is just my opinion

i can hear the waves still in the background as the kids play hearts and the chairs squeak. i hear the wind in the low trees as the crickets chirp.

this vacation is irritating me

a house full of people
rain falling outside the window
singing, talking, laughing
playing cards and game all around me
why do i always pass
why am i never the one to play a game
i would rather watch, or listen
maybe it is the fear of loss
or the fear of messing up

thunder rumbles outside
the old ferry lumbers out into the open waters
the breeze feels good on my arms
that are a little bit burned from the sun earlier today
visibility is still quite good
considering
it is wednesday
of our week at the beach
with a million people
tempers flair
personalities conflict
but then it settles
by the end of the week
we have all had a wonderful time but
we are also ready to go home and get away
from the rest of the crowd

the sprinkles of rain on the deck
are random
and cool
i do not see the lightening, i only hear the thunder
finishing reading my book is coming slowly
i am so close but i just cant finish it, i keep falling alseep
maybe i just dont want to finish it without another book to read, and it is
only wednesday
tomorrow.... book store

-----------
see this is what i mean, i only have my words, and how interesting are they really?
i am hoping by writing that maybe i can see into myself and see why i do what i do and why i want to be creative so badly.

they are all going to a movie tonight and i am going to stay here
time on my own is a good thing at this point.

so it is wednesday already and how creative have i been so far.... zip
i have been reading when ever i have a spare moment and i have blogged a little but no painting this time, so far.
it has been so busy, which for a vacation that is never good.
lots of visitors and lots of things to do, lots of trips to the grocery store, lots of noise.
so i have not had enough down time to actually want to get the paints out. and even if i did i have no idea what to paint.
very often i think my only creative outlet will be writing.
but also very often i have no idea what to write about that is interesting to anyone but me.
maybe that is the key, write about what is interesting to only me and then if someone else likes it then great, if not, at least i was writing.

so i sit here in the cottage, ben is up and has been up for hours probably, he is shuffling his magic cards. josh was awake a minute ago but back to snoring again. paco is still sleeping on the fold out, all the other kids are still sleeping in the back room and burt is in the shower. it is 8:30AM and i am ready to go, but not everyone else yet apparently.
i usually am up early. even on weekends when we dont have to get up i am never sleeping past 9. but i went to sleep early last night around 9:30 so when everyone else stayed up till 1:30 i had a jump on the sleep.
i have been reading my book, which as usual, is a teen book. i always seem to like them better than adult novels. not sure why. maybe because they are less confusing.
and i helped fight the killer mosquitoes to bring the garbage to the end of the driveway.
those are my accomplishments so far today.
hoping to do something mildly creative sometime soon.
it is a foggy day so far, burt said it will burn off but i am not so sure about that.

the following is a creativity journal i wrote when i was at the beach a few weeks ago.
i wrote it by hand in a small notebook
i never write by hand, i hate it.
i have transcribed it here......

Creativity or lack there of...

I want to be an artist but I dont know how. I can make jewelry but how creative is stringing beads in a pattern.... or randomly? If I were to paint, what would I paint. Nd do I have any talent for it? I have written poetry before I remember a time that I could picture the salt marshes at the cape so vividly in my head that I just felt stifled because I had to get that image out of my head and on to paper somehow. I remember sitting on my front porch on lovell ave on a sunny morning – writing the poem that expressed the colors that were drilled into my head. It flowed so freely from my pen. And it expressed what I was seeing in my head and me heart.

I am sitting right now on the beach in jerusalem ri looking at the dunes and dune grass. The blue of the sky contrasts with the pale shimmering green of the dune grass and the tan of the sand. I can take a picture of this scene but it does not describe the wind at my back and the smell of salt air and the sunscreen in my nose. It does not describe the gentle waving of the grass in the breeze. As each strand moves – it shimmers with the noonday sunlight upon them. I am thinking of trying mixed media. Maybe paintings w/flat fiber optic beads glued to it. Or maybe mobiles or chimes made from beads. To sell or just enjoy. I like photography but I am no professional and there are so many photograhers out there, what would make my photos special or unique. I enjoy the birds in our backyard. I cannot draw or paint them but I could take pictures of them. I enjoy being by the sea. It brings out the artist in me. And here I am with no media other than pen and paper and a camera and my words.
I used to write a blog and I enjoyed it. I kept up with it daily bur my life is so stable that there is no daily drama that unfolds worth writing about. Technology is not by thing. I deal with it every day but my art will not come from it.

I enjoy collecting rocks and shells either found on the beach or purchased. I would like to do something with these also. Th art in my head is not artificial at all. I enjoy nature – all aspects of it. I enjoy the look of shimmering fish in water, sand and sun, green trees on a summer day.

The waves are full of seaweed now so they are not clear and blue anymore, they are murky and filled with strands of reddish black. But the smell is heavenly. That deep salty smell reminds me of comfort and the warmth of the sun. people walk along the beach talking, holding hands, the shimmer of the sin is wider now because it is lower in the sky.

Maybe I can do something with sand. I saw at tree's place some snowflakes that were molded of sand. They were xmas ornaments and they were from all the different beaches along the cape. I am not sure how they glued them without the glue showing.

I will hav eto google how to make a mobile or wind chimes properly. Make a prototypes.

I cant believe I have been 'hand writing' this for so long. I hate to write things by hand. No one can ever read it including me!

Gentle breeze
blows thru my hair
and makes the fabric of my clothes billow softly
the thunderous noise of the ferry boats
roar in a low tone
as they idle out past
the breakwater
the white noise of the constant waves
lapping against the shore
the splish splash of a child running thru the water
the low chatting of passers by or neighbors on a towel
I can hear them
but I cant make out what they are saying

families spending time together
lovers on a day trip
best friends bonding
fishermen casting into the waves
playing in the water and sand
reading a good book
or writing their thoughts
the sand is alive
constantly changing
building up and washing away
the wind blows the flags
to the right of me
I close my eyes and listen
as the ferry is so far away now
that you can barely hear its roar.
Its partner, the huge
older ferry glides slowly
past the breakwater without a sound



so I just too a little nap and I feel refreshed but groggy
I am wondering how much of this book I can fill.
It is so relaxing and so calming to be here
I cant wait to be here for a whole week
I always feel more creative when I am at the beach and I am not sure why
people are leaving the beach now, it is late afternoon and dinner time. Only a few stragglers
in the water. People shaking out towels and blankets, packing up chairs and umbrellas
I could sit here all night long
as the moon rises high in the sky and the stars twinkle in the black sky.

So after all this creative thought this weekend, where does this leave me?
Am I any different than before?
Will I act on the ideas, thoughts and words I wrote here?
Or will every thing remain the same andi will still feel the need for creativity in my life?
I do not want my art, what ever I choose to do, to be a job or a chore.
I want a creative outlet to make beautiful things for my home and family
with the total immersion of left brain activity all day long with my job, I need some right brain play when I get home
today is hazy and not as bright and shimmery as yesterday. But still do peaceful at the shore
the salt air fills my nose and makes me smile. The waves are ever present, and peaceful ever thought they are filled with red seaweed.
It is so enjoyable being here.

After a weeknd at the cape more ideas
drill holes in beach stones and make jewelry
recycled glass , need a kiln
paint – watercolors -
frames with black grout and beads or tiles to decorate them
mobiles
I also realized I need a creative space
work bench, need pics of ocean etc to get me in the mood
backyard
stone, planters, birds, firepit

day one is mostly over and it was a great beach day. ben came up with his parents so now josh has his friend here, this is a good thing. we still have a few extra visitors but we will pare down to our core people who will be here the rest of the week.
i am feeling relaxed at least for now. i can read, or blog, or paint or just nap, these are all things that are relaxing for me.

at the beach finally after all the packing and the heat ... now we get to relax.
i have creative things with me, watercolors and writing....
everything is put away and we dont have any responsabilities today
just get to sit and relax.
going for a walk..

back from the walk, the shipwreck on our beach is quite visible and very cool. burt got into an altercation with some guy taking peices off of it. he said 'what are you doing this has been here for a hundred years' it was a slight altercation but an altercation none the less.... i just hope they are not the people who are renting matt's place....eek!

so i want to transpose what i wrote in a little journal the last time i was here a month ago.
put it up here so that i can show what i am going thru trying to be creative and express my creativity.
everyone is on the deck playing hearts and i am fine in here. i am making sure that i have alternate things to do and places to go for when the hecktic starts happening. i am not good at dealing with the stress of alot of people. tomorrow ben will be here and he is the last of our permanent visitors. but bri and kate will be here today or tomorrow for some of the week and dane will be here tonight and parker and val will be here tomorrow and maybe jonathan and maybe courtney and god only knows who else.
it is alot for me to handle and it is alot of things and people for me to process.

stressssssing out about vacation
there will be lots of people in a very tiny space and i am
worried that i wont enjoy my vacation as much because of the stress

packing is a drag
i have to do lots of it before saturday am
picking up josh tomorrow night from camp
i MISS him. it has been a long time since i saw him last..... it was sunday! ha!

so i am bringing watercolors and stuff for writing to the beach... i hope to find some inspiration while i am there.
and i need a plan.
and i want to get some photos of things to put up on the walls in my 'space' here at home so that i can keep inspired.

so i should be packing now.... but i am not
i think i will go up and start putting together clothes to bring.....

thinking of turning this into a creativity blog
for my want for creative things in my life
and the lack there of
and the hunt for the perfect spot to be creative

not so sure about this.
no one reads this anymore, so i will be writing this for myself basically
and maybe that is enough

sitting here with zoey on my lap purring contentedly waiting for burt to come home
think i will go to bed early tonight
maybe i wont have the chasing dreams anymore
realized in my counseling session today that the chasing dreams stem from my work, i never accomplish tasks, there is just a never ending pile that i am constantly sifting thru.... chasing it to the end... but there is never an end to it......
hmm

i wonder why, often, i stopped writing here
i know the main reason is all the conflict left my life
well, not all of it, but the romantic conflict left and i am now very happy with burt in our new home.
i have never been so comfortable in a house, it really is a home. and my releationship with burt is wonderful... just what i had been waiting for.... all my life
i suppose the main reason i stopped writing was because no one will read this but me.
the few people who used to follow my trials and tribulations now know i am happy and no longer follow it.
and i also think i probably dont have much to write that is inspiring or worth your time.

so i sit here on a beautiful sunny day, watching the little yellow finches on the bird feeder, waiting for burt to come home so we can go to lunch.
my life is so different now, so much better and so much more..... real.
going to go fill the bird feeders now... so my new little friends will stick around.

why do we dream at night
what makes us have a dream when other nights, most nights
it is a dreamless sleep?
is it something we ate that day
or something, some conflict we encountered?
i have gone years without dreams
and now for several weeks in a row i have had dreams every night
the kind i call 'chasing dreams' when there is a goal of some sort
and i just hate them
i wake up unrested!!!
what is the point there!!