so what is it about the weekends and me?
i heard from jim yesterday around noon, was going to be working in the yard all day
now it is almost noon sunday and i have feelings of dread again
what if he got hurt cleaning the gutters
what if he lost his phone again
no replies to vm or email so far
why cant i just let it go, and let god do the work for me
sure he might be really busy but hell, does it take that long to just shoot me a hello email so i know you are not hurt in the hospital
so i have a party at jeans today for lizzie's bday. i have a spinich casserole in the oven that i am bringing with me.
party starts at 2
just wish i would get some sort of contact from him
sometimes this just kills me
and i dont think it is anything really obvious. i think it is underlying because i am resentful that i dont get to spend weekend time with him yet.
i think if i saw him yesterday or if he was setting it up so i could see him today... then i would not be so upset
but when i dont hear from him all saturday and so far all morning sunday, i wonder, and wondering does not do me any good.
there could be a very simple explanation.... really tired last night and missed my calls, got up late today and busy so far
very simple explanations
but my head just spins and runs and makes me think things like
he is hurt in the hospital
he lost his phone
something 'happened' last night
anything.
everything

but i know that i am a strong confident woman
and i can survive this.
i think the main thing is if he is hurt and not able to use his phone
no one knows to call me.
shannon does not even know i exist.

so i will say a prayer that he is not hurt and just busy
and i will hear from him soon to let my mind rest

thanksgiving day

what i am thankful for....
my son and that he is healthy and relatively happy most of the time (he's 13)
my health, so far so good and i am on the right track trying to exercise again
my friends, i have some very special ones that i could not have gone thru this last year without
jean, patrick, sally, gloria, jenny, sharyn, just to name a few
my family and their health... so far.... and i am lucky to spend another holiday with them all... in tact.
jim, my whole outlook on the future has changed since i met him, i am so happy with him and i know he is happy with me too.
the fact that i have a job still when so many others are loosing theirs or cant find one

my life is bountiful and i am truly thankful

i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving and get to spend some time enjoying the things and people you are most thankful for.

god bless us, everyone....
oh wait that is xmas.... oops! :)

so jim took a step in the right direction, got a sitter to come to the house and was able to come out with us on monday to the tiger to see josh play and he got to stay with me for the night too.
the big steps here are A) got a sitter for the night B) told the sitter who is a good friend that he was on a date... which means that people know about me now, kinda :)

it will all come together, for now, i am not worried at all.
he is gonig to relatives for thanksgiving, maybe next year we will spend it together.
i have to work today and i am not in the mood at all. there is so much to do to prepare for tomorrow and i cant start any of it until i get out of work tonight at 5
i pray to god there is nothing on my schedule that i have to do at 5, no time, no time at all for anything but holiday prep!

frozen.... my toes are frozen... my fingers are frozen.... it is too damn cold out too damn early
going to visit with jean this afternoon, that will be nice, we dont get to do that much these days, our schedules and kids keep us too busy.
my upstairs still looks like i just moved in yesterday... but hopefully we can work on it all later today.
was hoping to see jim today... i am really hoping beyond all hopes that that freaking mother kicks back into gear and starts taking her a couple days a week, like it was supposed to be when i signed up for this!
i have to go on a real diet... i dont care what it is but i have to do it, starting tomorrow i think.... my pants are tight and i am not comfortable at all.
tomorrow is another busy day....
work, payrol, i have a doctors apt with dr d. yearly and i have to discuss my frequent uti woes. josh's conference with his team teachers.... need to get up to speed
and josh is playing at the hungry tiger jam with trey at around 9:30.

it figures the one night i have tons to do, is the night that jim asks me what i am doing when i get out of work. i feel like shit that i was not totally available.... tues is scouts and wed he is going boston way for thanksgiving with relatives and who knows how long he will be gone.
hope just till friday. not that it matters, not like i can definately see him anyway.
but still i like it when he is around to call and email with. it is fun.

up too late
cant sleep
i cannot believe everything i did today
finally that damn bed is out of here, now he has to work on fixing up the room in order to get the new bed... that might take another week.
my eyes are blurry and it hurts to look at the screen.
miss jim, what else is new, we did talk alot and email alot today, but still.... would love to be sitting by his side rather than emailing .... anyday :)
it will come.... he left a msg for his ex about taking his daughter more often, but she did not call him back. big surprise.
i am so ready to get this house in order but it takes so much time. i am getting there... the downstairs is pretty much done.... the uspstairs looks like we moved in today with crap in the halls and boxes everywhere... maybe tomorrow i will make some headway.

so another weekend is here, cant say i dont have alot to do... i have about 5 loads of laundry that MUST be done VERY soon, OR ELSE
we have errands and places to be all morning long tomorrow
and possibly a visit with jean on sunday afternoon.
jim is still sick as a dog and i am worried at this point because of his asthma
every day i hope that he is feeling better and every day he seems to feel worse.
i wish i could do something but really there is nothing i can do, i cant make him go to the doctor and i cant do anything that will make him better
so i just wait
you know how i love to wait

did the vendor fair tonight at clover st and sold about $130, which is great cause that will get me thru the weekend and into the beginning of the week too.

i would love to work on our bedrooms this weekend and take that bed apart and give things to charity and clean up more.
i hope i have the energy to do it all

i miss my boyfriend
it's official
he has been sick and not himself
but also i got to see him 3 times last week and yes i did go to see him on monday night but it was not for long and we barely got time to talk cause he was not feeling well
i want him to get better so i can see if he still likes me as much as he used to cause it is hard to tell when he is sick
does not talk on the phone much and kind of out of it from being groggy

i tell myself that i can deal with this and i truely believe that i can, i have been thru much harder times in my life.
but i have a hard time seeing the end of the tunnel and i wonder how long it will be before i do see it.
this is still really new and he is protecting his daughter, but .........
i still miss him.
i think if he was feeling better he would have tried to come up for lunch this week...
i dont know, maybe it is also because i am not feeling so good either lately
and i am pretty grouchy.

bought everything i need for thanksginving last night, spent like ....over $150, that is alot for me for a party! but $50 was the package store and that should last me a long time.

feel like i have a cold. did all my shopping for thanksgiving day. spent more money... dammit!
relaxing with a drink, it's been a long day.
work is so hectic that when i leave lately, my head is just kinda fuzzy. does not help that i am not feeling up to par, but i get so drained from work this week, i am just a lump at the end of the day.

jean invited me out tonight and i would really like to go but i cant afford it and i am so damn tired by 8pm .... again the lump feeling. ugh!

i feel like i should be writing about my feelings but really i am doing ok lately.
i will be glad when jim is no longer sick, he is not really himself, as it is with most people.
he will not be coming to my house for thanksgiving but he will be going to his cousins in mass so i am glad he wont be alone with his daughter thinking about his mom.

i am too tired to think of things to write anymore tonight....

my stomach is grumbling
i am tired but not sleepy
i feel like i am coming down with what ever jim has
money has got me down
and being a mom is super tedious today, more than usual

so up until today i was feeling odd about things since last wednesday
and i felt today that i was no longer able to see the future with jim
i could always see it so clearly but today i could not see it

and then it all turned around. we were talking on the phone around noontime, just joking and laughing and he stopped and said 'i miss you'
and then he asked me to come over tonight

i dont know if it will happen cause he is sick and might just fall asleep early but it was nice that he said those things and nice that he thought that.

i feel much better now.

work was HELL today
i am not even remotely close to caught up and i would be surprised if i am by the end of the week. certified payroll is giving me fits and i am just stuck on it right now.
would love to have it be the start of my vaca all over again.

gonna go don my winter coat and go for a walk to walk off the buffalo wild wings dinner josh and i just ate.... eek!

i just realized that i never left the house today
well, i worked outside cleaning up the back deck area and the front garden
but never got in the car at all.
not even for a coffee

we did more cleaning and sorting
and josh and i watched a movie and played games at the living room table.
it was a nice day

jim is still sick
i hope he is better soon

i am not feeling myself, or the way it used to be.... before our 'situation' on wednesday
i am trying to get back the way i was but i feel odd
because i am trying not to mention our future life together as to show him respect for his decision to wait to introduce me
but on the other hand i feel strained when speaking, hoping i dont overstep

it is like i lost my way
and it feels very odd.
today felt better than the last few days
maybe i am still shaken by the fact that i almost lost him last week
maybe i am still getting my footing back

i hope to get over this eggshell feeling
i spent too many years walking on them
i wont do it again

my head feels cluttered today
kind of like the drawers of this desk that i am trying to clear out
i hope my shower will set me straight
no church today for me, i got up too late for that. i would have to be ready and out the door in less than an hour... dont think i am capable of that today
it is my last day before vaca is over and i dont feel like rushing around.

i need desperately to come up with some excercise daily for 30 minutes. it is so hard to force myself to do anything like that.
maybe when i rearrange my room the treadmill will make more sense.... who knows.

my diet is killing me, i am not gaining but also not loosing.

well, off to the showers and i hope that i can get my head together
i also hope i get to speak to jim a few times today, that always seems to help too.

well it wasnt a busy day and it wasnt an exciting day but i made it thru just fine
my attitude was very good today.
spoke to jim several times and he is a bit sick, hope he is feeling better by morning
went to lunch with patrick, at union st, it was yummy as usual.... thanks patrick!
i am very happy with my living room, i can sit in there and it feels like HOME and that is exactly what i was going for
now i have to work on my bedroom, i hope by then end of tomorrow i will have a good feeling about my bedroom too.

here i am with yet another day all to myself
josh is camping, yes it is raining
i rearranged my living room and i LOVE it.
still have lots of paperwork to go thru and find a home for and next up is my bedroom. that will be the rough stuff
not sure what to do up here.

i was hoping to sleep later but my mom woke me early so here i am.
will try to go back for a cat nap before i have to get up for the day.

well here it is
my last day of vacation
nothing accomplished at all
i got to see jim 3 of the 5 work days (today he is too busy)
that is alot better than normal weeks

i have a new outlook on our relationship and am dealing with things differently in my head, i hope that it works for both of us.

i have a new outlook on how to deal with others as well. i hope that works out too.

i tried to sell josh's bed.... again... and it did not sell so i would like to get it out of here and into the storage space asap so we can move on with life.

i would like to do some organizing today, maybe furniture moving... who knows.
i basically have the whole day ahead of me and i dont know what to do first!

my new theory
take one day at a time
one weekend at a time
one holiday at a time

my business is no ones business but my own

no need to ruffle feathers of people like my mom, just have an answer when they ask the question and move on.....

soon enough my life will be in overdrive again with the holidays coming up and everything.... and i dont need the extra drama.

i just saw a flair on face book that said
junior high called, it wants its drama back.....
i am all for that!!
----
he did call by the way and everything is fine, as far as i can tell at least.

waking up to a new day
i almost lost it all last night
by telling jim about my mother giving me a hard time about seeing him and the holidays
i in turn made him feel so bad about putting me thru this that he was going to break up with me
luckily, for now, he changed his mind
i say for now because i am waiting to hear from him as of yet today and maybe after he slept on it he may have changed his mind back again

me on the other hand, i have to look at this in a different light
i have to treat it like a long distance relationship and i have to realize how new it really still is, because in a normal 3+ month relationship, people would have gone on probably at least 2 dates a week for that period of time, maybe even more as the months progressed. we have been on very few and so it is almost like part of the relationship is still in the first month.

i am feeling sick to my stomach and i feel like i want to cry
i feel like there is a huge weight on my chest and i am trying to push it off
i know i can do this
i can handle this waiting period, i am the most patient person on earth it seems with all that i put up with when i was with scott and everything else i have done in my life.
i can do this
i have to shake it off and see where it leads

i will not feel better until i hear from him today tho
until i know for sure he is back to normal

so let me start this post by saying that i am still crazy about jim and look forward to our future together. i still respect him for not wanting to have his daughters feelings hurt and i think it is commendable that he is doing this. i also want to not that even though it is going on 4 months, it is still new.

it really gets me down when everyone makes a big deal out of me not being able to see jim....most particularly .... my mother.
pretty much everyone else knows the drill by now, they know that i dont get to see him often and they ask me in such a way that does not make me feel bad, or stupid. they know how i feel and what lengths i am willing to go to for our relationship to last.

but my mom just does not get how much she irritates me and belittles me when she brings this up. i KNOW part of it is her memory. she cant remember little things never mind something this big (to me). but i find that i dont stay long at her house anymore, i come in and drop things off and leave, or i do the pill box and run out. i dont visit anymore because i am afraid she is going to bring it up again.
and she did, last night.
i stopped in to help her with something she could not do by herself and we were watching jeopardy and she started asking me about jim. she asked about thanksgiving, which the holidays are really making me cringe lately all on my own. she asked if he will join us and i said probably not because i have not met his daughter yet. she then started to ask me how long i was going to put up with this.
i lost it at that point.
i told her 'this is the deal' and i have explained it before. and i told her that is why i dont stay and chat with her anymore, because i am afraid she is going to keep bringing it up.

it really is a touchy subject for me. i have never had to deal with this before.
and neither has he
the lack of babysitters is astonishing. and i think i know how he feels about someone new, like using the sitter i found for him. when josh was younger i dont know how i would have felt about leaving him with someone i did not know. i have never had to deal with that. i have always had my mother and my sisters and if for some crazy reason none of them were available i have jean and i bet even laurel would take him for a short time.
i have back up
he does not have back up
it is that simple.
and i can put myself in that position and think how it must feel.

i told him the other day when i was emotional about the holidays (after watching sex and the city the movie, which i am soooo glad i did not see in the theater because i cried all thru the damn thing) i told him i dont care what he has to do but i will not be alone on new years eve, so he has got to arrange it.
my guess is i wont have met his daughter by then and i will be alone.

my hopes are getting dashed lately because i have no idea how long he is going to wait. if he waits the same 9 months he waited with the last one, i definitely wont be with him at any holidays anytime soon.

in the grand scheme of things, several months is nothing when after that several months you are together from then on. he is worth the wait i just dont know how long i will have to wait.
as long as he keeps making his best effort to be with me when he can, and if that useless mother would start taking her kid even once a week, i can put up with it for a while longer. the effort on his part makes it easier for me to deal with.

but when people keep hounding me about seeing him and asking how long will i put up with it..... it really really gets me down. and unfortunately my mom's memory is such that she will keep bringing it up, maybe not again today or this week but i guarantee at least once more before thanksgiving. and several more times before xmas.

i cant express in words how much i wish and pray every day that he will find the acceptance in his heart and take a chance on introducing me to his daughter.
my lesson in patience and loss of control of a situation continues....

getting some much needed cleaning and clearing out done
it is like clearing cobwebs from the corners of my mind when i am able to throw out things that mean nothing to me anymore... whether i have moved on from it or i just have not touched it in a year or more or i just feel the need to toss it and i will feel better.... it just makes me feel good to do it.

and i find things, like my last registration for my car that i KNEW i got and paid for but lost the envelope with the sticker for my car... 2 years ago....
or sometimes i find change to add to the change jar
or sometimes old mementos from josh that help me remember how cute he was when he was small.

new events in our lives.... josh is about to embark on possibly being in a blues band with other youths and maybe, just maybe go to memphis in february to play at the international blues society.
nothing is written in stone yet, we are just going to meet the guitar player and his dad on thursday so the boys can meet and jam and see if they have the same playing styles etc etc. he is 16 and goes to school in manchester. the drummer is 15 and lives in mass near the cape.
who knows how it will all turn out, but even if it does not materialize, i am excited for him to play with others and keep up with his blues training.
this was all suggested by zeke of all people.... he is the only guy i ever broke up with that is still my friend. maybe i have just gotten to a point where i am adult enough to accept that too.

it is like with facebook. i look at these people and i dont suggest that i am their friend because i think "we only used to talk in grade school they probably dont remember me or would not have any interest in talking to me" but i have found that this is not true. we are all adults now and have similar interests and are going thru similar things. i think it is great that i am able to connect with people i never thought i would see again in my life. that must just be the sentimental part of me talking. i know that is not for everyone.... but i am glad for the connections i have made, and hope to make more.

i saw rene yesterday at the ortho and we got to talking about a reunion... since there is not going to be one this year (25 years whoo hoo) we thought maybe we would try to set up a meeting on facebook of who ever is in town on a particular weekend and pick a spot and say 'stop by for a drink' and see who we get.
even if only a few show up, at least we tried.

i am on vacation.... YAY
nothing planned, just errands and seeing jim where i can
gonna catch lunch with patrick and try to catch up with jean too
getting my act together at home is a huge undertaking and i can tell you right now i am not in the mood for it today!
actually right now i dont feel like doing anything.... that is exactly what i am going to do .... nothing!

by the way, i did talk to jim, all is well, he was just visiting with the guys and the conversation turned to things that he needed to vent about and he told me 'console' and 'traumatic' were poor choices of words... ahh, men, when will they learn to be more like us?
never.

sunday
a day like all days
i am up early to get ready for church
then we go to lunch with grammy jeanne out in willimantic
i called jim last night just to say hi and he said a buddy was over helping to console him
i asked about what and he said he would call me in a few minutes when the guy left
he never called, never answered my calls
sure it probably is as simple as he was exhausted and fell asleep but in my mind, it races around and hits off all the walls of my brain.
so again on a sunday morning, i wait to hear from him
being removed from his life (well not really removed, just not let inside)
this is hard for me because i care so very much and i am not allowed to be part of it
i cant imagine what had happened between 5 when i talked to him last and 9pm when he needed to be consoled.
could be anything

either way, i have no recourse but to wait for a call or email
i left msgs he knows how i am feeling and wishing i could help.

he has been a loner for so many years, not letting people in, dealing with problems on his own, this is something i dont think will ever change.

some days this is very hard for me
to be the removed girlfriend
i cant be there for him when he has troubles
and on the flip side i cant be there for good times either

this is hard sometimes.

so i went to the docs today
my bp was 130/90 today, lower than yesterday with my caffeine induced jitters but still too high.
he told me to loose inches in my waist... it was not my weight that mattered it is the inches and i need to loose like 3 or more.... HA! good luck to ya on that one!

well i am undecided about what i should do for diet
i was thinking of going back to small meals keeping track of calories, using cereal, soups and pre-made meals for breakfasts and lunches and a small dinner, stay away from treats like i always do, but incorporate more fruits and veggies into it.

sounds like a good idea... but i love food so much i get so freakin hungry, not sure how that will work for me.
i might also switch to red wine because it is better for your health :)

been over a week since i have seen jim, and i miss him. the weekend is coming and i have no idea if i will see him or not. i wish that mother would just take her once in a while. i hate that.

tomorrow is my last day before vacation. nothing planned but i do hope to see jim each day even for a bit (m-f) while the kids are at school.... i hope.

i am absolutely not one of the bloggers posting every day in november
but here is one anyway

they did not take my blood tonight at the blood drive... not because i was anemic like usual, but because my blood pressure was crazy high
something like a million over two million.... actually it was 140 over 110
both crazy high numbers but the bottom was much more of a concern
so naturally i came home thinking i would die
so if i am gonna die i am gonna go out having a good time so i had some wine and i made brownies so i could lick the bowl.... i feel better now and my home blood pressure thingy said 130 over 90 a few minutes ago which is much more normal for me.

i did have a diet coke for lunch which i never never do and the caffeine must have effected me quite a bit.

i will make an appointment with dr sherwood tomorrow and i think i am going off atkins. it cant be good for me.
i have been on it for over a year and i think my blood pressure is telling me something.
i will look into small well balanced meals and see if i can control my weight that way.

i miss jim, have not seen him in a week and i am hoping he will call me to come over tonight but i am not holding my breath at this point.

gonna go lie down for a while.... and relax.

i just remembered that josh has to finish a project, and i wont be getting him from grammy's till noonish. and i put his bed on ebay and if it sells (auction ends tonight at 10pm) i will have to take it apart pretty hasty like so the people who bought it can come pick it up. it has 3 watchers but no bids so technically it might not sell at all. so i wait till 10pm and see.
it is a good possibility that jim took off for the weekend, have not heard from him since yesterday at noonish.... i would much rather have it be that scenario than him being hurt somewhere, in the hospital etc etc.
so again, i wait.
i have to go to church today to attend the teachers meeting and help jenny out a bit but that is it.
not sure what i will do with the rest of my day.... dont want to break that bed down in case it does not sell.

perhaps people might start listening to me someday soon
josh might accept that i am right once in a while
and other people too
i told equity that i wanted some paint to touch up, i mentioned there are two kinds, i thought they used a gloss in the kitchen and bathrooms and the girl said no i dont think so
so they left me a 55 gallon tub of it (really it was not THAT much but it was heavy) and i painted all the scuffs all over the apartment and hours later, low and behold, the stuff in the kitchen is glossy... huh? whoda thunk it, i was right!?

anyway i dont even care anymore.

i painted, i did mom's shopping, i brought josh to his lesson, i got the pics from the wedding duped at cvs i went to the scariest place on earth (walmart) to do some shopping.....
i am out of ideas of things to do.... i stuck to atkins pretty well today, but the day is not over yet, far from it.... it is only 6pm
i have not heard from jim since 11am i have a feeling he skipped town for the weekend, but i am just guessing. would be nice if he returned my calls but whatever :)

anyway, now i dont know what to do, josh is at mom's for the night and the only thing i know of is going to kevin's football game at 7pm but i am already cold i dont want to be cold for 3 more hours.

oh i also went to the cemetery where my dad is buried. that is where i go when i want to think about the future, i talk to dad, i talk to god..... it is peaceful and beautiful there.
but cold.... so i did not stay long.

i made ground turkey with taco seasoning and now i am stuffed.
going to surf for a while

here i sit with the whole weekend ahead of me
no real plans except josh's lesson this morning
this weekend i could use to clean or organize or paint
i have no idea what i will want to do when i finally get started

we have the bed on ebay and the auction is over tomorrow night, no bids yet
but if someone buys it, we will have to take it apart and get it to the people.
or at least get it into pieces out front so they can pick it up.

i just dont think it will sell.... but i have to be prepared anyway.... i work well under pressure.

i asked the equity if i could have some paint to touch up since i will be here another year and the walls are scuffed... so they brought me a 5 gallon bucket too big to lift. not sure how i will pour the paint without getting it everywhere but i will try.

i have all sorts of little things that hang on the walls that i picked up from laurel's cleaning, i can get my act together and hang them too. and i have floating shelves i would love to put up so i can put out more pictures etc.

josh's room needs to be cleaned out completely, i could work on that too.

or i can rent movies and sit and watch them and drink wine all day.... i have so many options