so let me start this post by saying that i am still crazy about jim and look forward to our future together. i still respect him for not wanting to have his daughters feelings hurt and i think it is commendable that he is doing this. i also want to not that even though it is going on 4 months, it is still new.

it really gets me down when everyone makes a big deal out of me not being able to see jim....most particularly .... my mother.
pretty much everyone else knows the drill by now, they know that i dont get to see him often and they ask me in such a way that does not make me feel bad, or stupid. they know how i feel and what lengths i am willing to go to for our relationship to last.

but my mom just does not get how much she irritates me and belittles me when she brings this up. i KNOW part of it is her memory. she cant remember little things never mind something this big (to me). but i find that i dont stay long at her house anymore, i come in and drop things off and leave, or i do the pill box and run out. i dont visit anymore because i am afraid she is going to bring it up again.
and she did, last night.
i stopped in to help her with something she could not do by herself and we were watching jeopardy and she started asking me about jim. she asked about thanksgiving, which the holidays are really making me cringe lately all on my own. she asked if he will join us and i said probably not because i have not met his daughter yet. she then started to ask me how long i was going to put up with this.
i lost it at that point.
i told her 'this is the deal' and i have explained it before. and i told her that is why i dont stay and chat with her anymore, because i am afraid she is going to keep bringing it up.

it really is a touchy subject for me. i have never had to deal with this before.
and neither has he
the lack of babysitters is astonishing. and i think i know how he feels about someone new, like using the sitter i found for him. when josh was younger i dont know how i would have felt about leaving him with someone i did not know. i have never had to deal with that. i have always had my mother and my sisters and if for some crazy reason none of them were available i have jean and i bet even laurel would take him for a short time.
i have back up
he does not have back up
it is that simple.
and i can put myself in that position and think how it must feel.

i told him the other day when i was emotional about the holidays (after watching sex and the city the movie, which i am soooo glad i did not see in the theater because i cried all thru the damn thing) i told him i dont care what he has to do but i will not be alone on new years eve, so he has got to arrange it.
my guess is i wont have met his daughter by then and i will be alone.

my hopes are getting dashed lately because i have no idea how long he is going to wait. if he waits the same 9 months he waited with the last one, i definitely wont be with him at any holidays anytime soon.

in the grand scheme of things, several months is nothing when after that several months you are together from then on. he is worth the wait i just dont know how long i will have to wait.
as long as he keeps making his best effort to be with me when he can, and if that useless mother would start taking her kid even once a week, i can put up with it for a while longer. the effort on his part makes it easier for me to deal with.

but when people keep hounding me about seeing him and asking how long will i put up with it..... it really really gets me down. and unfortunately my mom's memory is such that she will keep bringing it up, maybe not again today or this week but i guarantee at least once more before thanksgiving. and several more times before xmas.

i cant express in words how much i wish and pray every day that he will find the acceptance in his heart and take a chance on introducing me to his daughter.
my lesson in patience and loss of control of a situation continues....