so i am getting closer, i almost had the opportunity to meet his daughter last night
this part of the relationship is very stressful for me because we want to be together but he has this wall up
i am so hoping he lets it down soon
going to scout tonight, i am not in the mood
i think i will be non-existent for a few weeks after tonight.
i will drop and go
have a craft fair saturday that i need to get ready for
i want to help laurel pack but it seems i never have time, going to try to squeak in an hour or so tomorrow night before the challenge open house
i am tired tonight but still have hours to go before i can rest
good bet i wont see jim tonight
have a call into him.... it is funny we will talk and email during the day but in the evening sometimes he is hard to get ahold of, and i need to just shrug it off cause it is no reflection on me, it is just when he has most of his appointments with clients and tenants
i am in the 'post visit' depression but it will pass soon, i know it.
i told him about that and he says he has it too.
it was nice to be with him last night, comforting
the next few weeks will be tight for money for me. have to pay the rent and that will take two weeks paychecks to scrounge it up.
hopefully i will sell some jewelry this weekend and make up some pocket money.
had to use the credit card for the first time in a long time at cvs tonight.... pissed me off but i did it anyway.
off to scouts soon
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
busy day again
off to church then parade.... does not sound like much but it will take all day long
i think when my boyfriend goes away for the weekend, he is getting away from everything including me.
i have not heard from him since around 5 on friday, i can only assume that he is in mass with his relatives and he is fine. i have to get the point across to him that a call would have been nice....
off to church then parade.... does not sound like much but it will take all day long
i think when my boyfriend goes away for the weekend, he is getting away from everything including me.
i have not heard from him since around 5 on friday, i can only assume that he is in mass with his relatives and he is fine. i have to get the point across to him that a call would have been nice....
Saturday, September 27, 2008
oh i forgot to mention i did get to see jim the other night for about an hour and we had an excellent talk
then i got to see him thursday night and that was wonderful....
i hated leaving in the morning because i know i wont see him for a while.... it is that depression thing that i get....
at first i am still happy
then i realize i wont see him for a while and i get depressed
then it passes and i am fine
he expressed how he feels toward me
and i am thrilled
this is the best!
then i got to see him thursday night and that was wonderful....
i hated leaving in the morning because i know i wont see him for a while.... it is that depression thing that i get....
at first i am still happy
then i realize i wont see him for a while and i get depressed
then it passes and i am fine
he expressed how he feels toward me
and i am thrilled
this is the best!
it is so weird
i am at a loss for this blog
when i was going thru all the match.com crap i had so much to write about
my feelings and the stupid things other people did
but now i only have lame things to write about
this was started to get me thru the break up with fucking whats his name (better known as the mother fucker pete) and it did help me get thru it, along with friends support and alot of wine.
then it was meant to help me with the strange new world of online dating... and it did. it was a way for me to vent about the crazy shit that happened on the dates, and the crazy way people were in real life after talking online or the phone for days.
i like the way by the end of the 3rd month i was 'ms. cut to the chase' and shot out emails and tried to make dates right away
i had the lets just move on mode in my head
pick em and weed em out.
that last weekend when i was emailing random people who did not live to far away and were cute and did not sound like psychos.... hoping beyond hope that at least one of them would chose to email me back..... dontcha know jim (aka the realtor) was the only one who did immediately.
i shoulda known right then :)
it would have been so much easier if my profile was still up but i had to keep it down cause of the professor.
but in the end, it all worked out just fine.
today is filled with stuff for me
lesson at 10
then help laurel pack at 11
then take josh to dinner at rainforest to celebrate.....HE MADE STAGE BAND!!!! whoo hooo!!
then i might go see 'asylum hill' they are playing in simsbury at the maple tree. but i wont go alone, only if jean is going too.
tomorrow is open house at church and i am making the punch... so i have to remember to buy the stuff for punch.
then i have to get josh to sage for the parade in his class A
then i will go hang out with the mcleod's to watch the parade.... that will go to about 5 and then we will go home.... unless i am forgetting something else... which i might be.
i am concerned about sally, she is quite down right now and i wish i could be there for her. but i know she will be fine, she is a fighter and a trooper and she will get thru this and things will be better on the other side of it all.
sometimes there is so much stress in our lives and we just dont know what to do about it all.
my stress right now is i hate my apartment, i wish it was different, i want to clean and maybe rearrange things. but not today, today is to help laurel
i think i have to come up with a cleaning schedule for myself
it is not like i live in squalor.... dont think that....
i just have alot of clutter... would love to get rid of the clutter.
so josh is up now and i am going to do my hair and have some breakfast.....
then the day starts....
i am at a loss for this blog
when i was going thru all the match.com crap i had so much to write about
my feelings and the stupid things other people did
but now i only have lame things to write about
this was started to get me thru the break up with fucking whats his name (better known as the mother fucker pete) and it did help me get thru it, along with friends support and alot of wine.
then it was meant to help me with the strange new world of online dating... and it did. it was a way for me to vent about the crazy shit that happened on the dates, and the crazy way people were in real life after talking online or the phone for days.
i like the way by the end of the 3rd month i was 'ms. cut to the chase' and shot out emails and tried to make dates right away
i had the lets just move on mode in my head
pick em and weed em out.
that last weekend when i was emailing random people who did not live to far away and were cute and did not sound like psychos.... hoping beyond hope that at least one of them would chose to email me back..... dontcha know jim (aka the realtor) was the only one who did immediately.
i shoulda known right then :)
it would have been so much easier if my profile was still up but i had to keep it down cause of the professor.
but in the end, it all worked out just fine.
today is filled with stuff for me
lesson at 10
then help laurel pack at 11
then take josh to dinner at rainforest to celebrate.....HE MADE STAGE BAND!!!! whoo hooo!!
then i might go see 'asylum hill' they are playing in simsbury at the maple tree. but i wont go alone, only if jean is going too.
tomorrow is open house at church and i am making the punch... so i have to remember to buy the stuff for punch.
then i have to get josh to sage for the parade in his class A
then i will go hang out with the mcleod's to watch the parade.... that will go to about 5 and then we will go home.... unless i am forgetting something else... which i might be.
i am concerned about sally, she is quite down right now and i wish i could be there for her. but i know she will be fine, she is a fighter and a trooper and she will get thru this and things will be better on the other side of it all.
sometimes there is so much stress in our lives and we just dont know what to do about it all.
my stress right now is i hate my apartment, i wish it was different, i want to clean and maybe rearrange things. but not today, today is to help laurel
i think i have to come up with a cleaning schedule for myself
it is not like i live in squalor.... dont think that....
i just have alot of clutter... would love to get rid of the clutter.
so josh is up now and i am going to do my hair and have some breakfast.....
then the day starts....
Friday, September 26, 2008
i am in an excellent mood
i am listening to my 'godspell' soundtrack, reading my blogs i follow, knowing that i have a wonderful group of friends surrounding me and a boyfriend who i am crazy about and he feels the same way about me.
things are moving slowly forward, as all good things should.
jim is off for the weekend visiting relatives and i am going to keep myself busy around here....
helping laurel with packing, hoping to list that monstrosity of a bunkbed/desk in josh's room on craigslist or something this weekend so we can sell it and get it out of here.
the parade is this weekend as well as open house for the tuttle house for sunday school.
and there is always laundry to be done too :)
had a nice talk with sally tonight, hang in there girl, things will even out and get better.
remember my favorite saying when things seem crappy and out of control
"let go and let god"
have not heard from jean today at all, she was going to the casino, i hope she had fun and i hope she is ok..... i try not to worry anymore.... sometimes it does not work
:)
i am listening to my 'godspell' soundtrack, reading my blogs i follow, knowing that i have a wonderful group of friends surrounding me and a boyfriend who i am crazy about and he feels the same way about me.
things are moving slowly forward, as all good things should.
jim is off for the weekend visiting relatives and i am going to keep myself busy around here....
helping laurel with packing, hoping to list that monstrosity of a bunkbed/desk in josh's room on craigslist or something this weekend so we can sell it and get it out of here.
the parade is this weekend as well as open house for the tuttle house for sunday school.
and there is always laundry to be done too :)
had a nice talk with sally tonight, hang in there girl, things will even out and get better.
remember my favorite saying when things seem crappy and out of control
"let go and let god"
have not heard from jean today at all, she was going to the casino, i hope she had fun and i hope she is ok..... i try not to worry anymore.... sometimes it does not work
:)
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
so here i sit waiting to hear from him
his daughter was at her mom's and might stay the night
i am prepared with a bag packed and josh would go to mom's for the night
he said he would know by 7 and it is 6:40
this is the part i really do hate.
i know that in the future this will not be an issue but for now (however long now lasts) i have to deal with it
i know that it could fall thru tonight
i also know that i might not get to see him for 2 weeks, it has happened before... i am sure it will happen again
i just hope it works out
but i am prepared for it to not work out... i have to prepare myself for that
he could call at any minute and say he is on his way to pick up his daughter
he could also call to say she is staying at her mom's
this 50/50 thing kills me
but he is so worth the wait
no i did not ask for a raise yet, but i did finish the huge pile of adjustments today
i never never thought i would finish them all.
i still have to apply them but that is the easy part
i also still have to teach nancy how to do them so i dont have to do them anymore but that is not so easy
i am going to get to go to east lyme on oct 7th i think for the day for training of their new counter guy. that will be fun to get out, and liza and i can go to lunch that day too.
maybe on my way back thru middletown i can catch up with jim too.... it would be a great day all around.
6:48 still no word.....
7:00 still no word......
grrr
his daughter was at her mom's and might stay the night
i am prepared with a bag packed and josh would go to mom's for the night
he said he would know by 7 and it is 6:40
this is the part i really do hate.
i know that in the future this will not be an issue but for now (however long now lasts) i have to deal with it
i know that it could fall thru tonight
i also know that i might not get to see him for 2 weeks, it has happened before... i am sure it will happen again
i just hope it works out
but i am prepared for it to not work out... i have to prepare myself for that
he could call at any minute and say he is on his way to pick up his daughter
he could also call to say she is staying at her mom's
this 50/50 thing kills me
but he is so worth the wait
no i did not ask for a raise yet, but i did finish the huge pile of adjustments today
i never never thought i would finish them all.
i still have to apply them but that is the easy part
i also still have to teach nancy how to do them so i dont have to do them anymore but that is not so easy
i am going to get to go to east lyme on oct 7th i think for the day for training of their new counter guy. that will be fun to get out, and liza and i can go to lunch that day too.
maybe on my way back thru middletown i can catch up with jim too.... it would be a great day all around.
6:48 still no word.....
7:00 still no word......
grrr
ok i have some notes put together for asking for a raise but i also have to think about how much i want in case he asks. that will entail me making a budget so i can see exactly how much i am lacking to pay my bills.
so i am working on it
things are still going really well with jim
i am very happy with him
work.... i am still buried under a pile on my desk, but i am digging out
going to try to help laurel with some packing tonight after work if i cant see jim
josh and i are both getting over a little cold.... will be glad when the headaches stop
so i am working on it
things are still going really well with jim
i am very happy with him
work.... i am still buried under a pile on my desk, but i am digging out
going to try to help laurel with some packing tonight after work if i cant see jim
josh and i are both getting over a little cold.... will be glad when the headaches stop
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
things to think about today
1) asking for a raise
2) need to make more jewelry, and order clasps and head pins
3) getting to sleep earlier is a good thing
the last few nights i have gotten in bed before 11 and have fallen asleep before 11 too. maybe that is the trick. usually i am up and running around or downstairs on the sofa watching tv till 11 then i come up here and do stuff on the computer and am up till midnight
i think i am starting to take advantage of the fact that my boyfriend is predictable in the fact that he will be asleep well before 10 so i can actually go to bed by then too, not fearing to miss a call or anything like that.
i need to get my act together to ask for a raise. they are giving me more responsibilities and i am sure they are probably planning on giving me one but i need to let them know i really need one. i have never asked for one and i dont work at a place that gives performance reviews or has a ladder of advancement.... so i cant ask someone who works for aetna or anything like that.... i have to find out how to do it in a smaller environment.
i know you are supposed to list your accomplishments, well i dont really accomplish much i just do my job everyday, lots of it, lots of tasks, everyday.
so i have to get a list together and i have to get my points together as to why i need the raise. and then i have to find a time to ask.
plus i am nervous about asking anyway.....
afraid of rejection... you know me!
josh auditioned for the stage band yesterday, he said he was only up against one kid and he is a year younger and josh heard him mess up thru the door.
i prepared josh so that either way he would not a) gloat or b) be angry at the other kid
i told him to act like a scout no matter what and if the other boy gets it instead of him and he is boasting, for him to remind him that is not how a scout would act. (the other kid is a younger scout too)
speaking of scouts.... another meeting tonight.... more boards....
1) asking for a raise
2) need to make more jewelry, and order clasps and head pins
3) getting to sleep earlier is a good thing
the last few nights i have gotten in bed before 11 and have fallen asleep before 11 too. maybe that is the trick. usually i am up and running around or downstairs on the sofa watching tv till 11 then i come up here and do stuff on the computer and am up till midnight
i think i am starting to take advantage of the fact that my boyfriend is predictable in the fact that he will be asleep well before 10 so i can actually go to bed by then too, not fearing to miss a call or anything like that.
i need to get my act together to ask for a raise. they are giving me more responsibilities and i am sure they are probably planning on giving me one but i need to let them know i really need one. i have never asked for one and i dont work at a place that gives performance reviews or has a ladder of advancement.... so i cant ask someone who works for aetna or anything like that.... i have to find out how to do it in a smaller environment.
i know you are supposed to list your accomplishments, well i dont really accomplish much i just do my job everyday, lots of it, lots of tasks, everyday.
so i have to get a list together and i have to get my points together as to why i need the raise. and then i have to find a time to ask.
plus i am nervous about asking anyway.....
afraid of rejection... you know me!
josh auditioned for the stage band yesterday, he said he was only up against one kid and he is a year younger and josh heard him mess up thru the door.
i prepared josh so that either way he would not a) gloat or b) be angry at the other kid
i told him to act like a scout no matter what and if the other boy gets it instead of him and he is boasting, for him to remind him that is not how a scout would act. (the other kid is a younger scout too)
speaking of scouts.... another meeting tonight.... more boards....
Monday, September 22, 2008
like i was telling patrick last night
i am not feeling like i have to write as often these days
because i am feeling very content with jim and our relationship
that is what this whole thing started out as, me trying to get over one relationship
get ready to be able to have another one and then
finally the search for the person i might be looking for.
now that i am content, in a relationship, i dont feel the venting is necessary anymore
with the wedding and the float i was just so stressed out i could not find enough words to fill a paragraph, and now that that stress is over i dont have that either
so i guess i will ponder what to do with the blog now.
i am sure i will continue to write but it is not nearly as dramatic anymore
and i truly hope that i am with jim for a long time to come, so that there is no need for any drama
i guess i can sit here and think of things that are bothering me that i might want to continue to work thru with this blog.... because it is a journey to self, no matter how bumpy the road may be.
1) when will i get to meet his daughter and become a part of his daily life.... dont get me wrong, i dont want to move in with him.... i want to stay near mom, and stay in windsor for josh.... but mostly for mom.... but i think he thinks that is the 'next step' but we never discussed it.... so i think in the next month or so i will casually drop the hints that i need to stay in windsor as long as my mom is around.... stuff like that... so he does not think that my goal is to move in with him.... maybe someday... but certainly not now, certainly not in the next year cause i am about to sign my new lease.... i think if he knew that, maybe it might take off some pressure of meeting his daughter.
2) continuing to get to know him, it has only been 2 months, and although i know all the baggage, it will still be fun to continue to get to know him as a person, and he get to know me as well.
3) getting my act together at work, cathy is back this week and i hope that by the end of the week i will have my head on straight. my next vacation is in november, not going anywhere and i hope to get to play alot with jim during the days when the kids are in school.
4) getting my personal life in order..... meaning my living situation, i would love to rearrange and clean, i would love to move into a smaller storage space, i would love to reduce the amount of crap i own in this house.
ok so i have a few things i need/want to work on and they might provide good venting/ranting/writing materials
off to do my hair.... i wish it did not take so long to do.
i am not feeling like i have to write as often these days
because i am feeling very content with jim and our relationship
that is what this whole thing started out as, me trying to get over one relationship
get ready to be able to have another one and then
finally the search for the person i might be looking for.
now that i am content, in a relationship, i dont feel the venting is necessary anymore
with the wedding and the float i was just so stressed out i could not find enough words to fill a paragraph, and now that that stress is over i dont have that either
so i guess i will ponder what to do with the blog now.
i am sure i will continue to write but it is not nearly as dramatic anymore
and i truly hope that i am with jim for a long time to come, so that there is no need for any drama
i guess i can sit here and think of things that are bothering me that i might want to continue to work thru with this blog.... because it is a journey to self, no matter how bumpy the road may be.
1) when will i get to meet his daughter and become a part of his daily life.... dont get me wrong, i dont want to move in with him.... i want to stay near mom, and stay in windsor for josh.... but mostly for mom.... but i think he thinks that is the 'next step' but we never discussed it.... so i think in the next month or so i will casually drop the hints that i need to stay in windsor as long as my mom is around.... stuff like that... so he does not think that my goal is to move in with him.... maybe someday... but certainly not now, certainly not in the next year cause i am about to sign my new lease.... i think if he knew that, maybe it might take off some pressure of meeting his daughter.
2) continuing to get to know him, it has only been 2 months, and although i know all the baggage, it will still be fun to continue to get to know him as a person, and he get to know me as well.
3) getting my act together at work, cathy is back this week and i hope that by the end of the week i will have my head on straight. my next vacation is in november, not going anywhere and i hope to get to play alot with jim during the days when the kids are in school.
4) getting my personal life in order..... meaning my living situation, i would love to rearrange and clean, i would love to move into a smaller storage space, i would love to reduce the amount of crap i own in this house.
ok so i have a few things i need/want to work on and they might provide good venting/ranting/writing materials
off to do my hair.... i wish it did not take so long to do.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
he made it to the wedding
i am sooooo happy
he got there late and pawned his daughter off to the neybas house but he made it happen.
i am soooo happy.... i already said that, huh?
it was a fun wedding, a bit disorganized but it went off without a hitch
it was a nice evening and i am glad it is over
cathy is very happy and that is all that matters to me.
i have a bead party at laureens today.... which is good cause i need to make jewelry myself and i need to make some money as well
i am done painting the float and the wedding is over so now i can get back to my normal state of being.... what ever that is.
i had a wonderful night with jim and we went to breakfast this morning too. i am still on the high of seeing him and spending time with him..... but if i look back at the recent history i have been able to see him two days a week (one being a weekend night) for the last several weeks. granted my extra day this week was lunch not an evening because the mother is useless ..... but still i got two days.
he knows he needs time away from her too, he knows he needs the time with me just as much as i need it with him.
so i am off to do an errand and then get ready for the bead party.
i am sooooo happy
he got there late and pawned his daughter off to the neybas house but he made it happen.
i am soooo happy.... i already said that, huh?
it was a fun wedding, a bit disorganized but it went off without a hitch
it was a nice evening and i am glad it is over
cathy is very happy and that is all that matters to me.
i have a bead party at laureens today.... which is good cause i need to make jewelry myself and i need to make some money as well
i am done painting the float and the wedding is over so now i can get back to my normal state of being.... what ever that is.
i had a wonderful night with jim and we went to breakfast this morning too. i am still on the high of seeing him and spending time with him..... but if i look back at the recent history i have been able to see him two days a week (one being a weekend night) for the last several weeks. granted my extra day this week was lunch not an evening because the mother is useless ..... but still i got two days.
he knows he needs time away from her too, he knows he needs the time with me just as much as i need it with him.
so i am off to do an errand and then get ready for the bead party.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
today is the wedding and i cant wait for it all to be over
i have to shoot out at 8 to see if i can get a manicure
josh has a lesson at 10
i have to paint the float and not mess up my manicure at 11
be at mom's for 2:30
jim is still trying to get a sitter
i am not holding my breath
this is going to be a very hectic day for me
i have to shoot out at 8 to see if i can get a manicure
josh has a lesson at 10
i have to paint the float and not mess up my manicure at 11
be at mom's for 2:30
jim is still trying to get a sitter
i am not holding my breath
this is going to be a very hectic day for me
Friday, September 19, 2008
tonight was cathy and bills rehearsal and dinner
the wedding will be a fiasco, i just know it
sally this is your reminder.... the wedding is tomorrow :)
the dinner was at marco polo
i have not been there in like 20 years.... i think that was the last time they cleaned their bathrooms.... only joking.
i hope i hope i hope that jim can get a sitter for tomorrow
but i know there is a strong possibility he cant.... but i know he is trying to.
i will be so glad when tomorrow is over :)
going to bed now, i hope i can sleep.
the wedding will be a fiasco, i just know it
sally this is your reminder.... the wedding is tomorrow :)
the dinner was at marco polo
i have not been there in like 20 years.... i think that was the last time they cleaned their bathrooms.... only joking.
i hope i hope i hope that jim can get a sitter for tomorrow
but i know there is a strong possibility he cant.... but i know he is trying to.
i will be so glad when tomorrow is over :)
going to bed now, i hope i can sleep.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
another busy day at work
glad it is over
so freaking happy with jim in my life
cant even express it
still hoping he can make the wedding but i dont think it will happen
after work i made dinner, went to paint the float for a while, went to a committee meeting and then filled mom's pill box.
i actually worked on sorting beads too and making clasps.
i have a party sunday so i have to be ready.
i hope to god i make a few bucks i need the money
hope i sleep tonight, cramp free
glad it is over
so freaking happy with jim in my life
cant even express it
still hoping he can make the wedding but i dont think it will happen
after work i made dinner, went to paint the float for a while, went to a committee meeting and then filled mom's pill box.
i actually worked on sorting beads too and making clasps.
i have a party sunday so i have to be ready.
i hope to god i make a few bucks i need the money
hope i sleep tonight, cramp free
i feel gross today
i am going to blame the carbs
yesterday jim surprised me by coming up to take me to lunch
(i had pizza with him because it was easier than ordering a salad and wrestling with a salad, hence the carbs)
it was so nice to see him
the wedding is still up in the air, so i am still prepared that i will not be able to see him.
it will suck but that is how we roll apparently.....
i still hope the mom takes her tonight or tomorrow night even just so i can see him again soon.
this week is so busy for me but next week is not so bad.
i have to fit that float in somewhere.... will try to go at lunch today and do a little bit.
went for beer and ate some fries off patricks plate last night, that might be what is making me feel gross too.... thank you patrick for the ride and the snacks.....
i did not sleep well, i had to jump up with leg cramps about 4 times, that is alot for me. work is still just as hectic but the week is nearing an end and i can see light at the end of the tunnel.
i hope.....
i am going to blame the carbs
yesterday jim surprised me by coming up to take me to lunch
(i had pizza with him because it was easier than ordering a salad and wrestling with a salad, hence the carbs)
it was so nice to see him
the wedding is still up in the air, so i am still prepared that i will not be able to see him.
it will suck but that is how we roll apparently.....
i still hope the mom takes her tonight or tomorrow night even just so i can see him again soon.
this week is so busy for me but next week is not so bad.
i have to fit that float in somewhere.... will try to go at lunch today and do a little bit.
went for beer and ate some fries off patricks plate last night, that might be what is making me feel gross too.... thank you patrick for the ride and the snacks.....
i did not sleep well, i had to jump up with leg cramps about 4 times, that is alot for me. work is still just as hectic but the week is nearing an end and i can see light at the end of the tunnel.
i hope.....
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
never got a return call and that makes me feel that he did have his daughter, i think if he did not he would have called more than once, or at least heard my vm and realized that my phone was malfunctioning.
so i am hoping that i did not miss that opportunity
lately it has been one day mid week and one day on the weekend and i know that could stop at any moment because the mom is crazy
i just never want to miss an opportunity to see him when i see him so infrequently.
even if i was at scouts i could have gotten josh settled and shot out to see him for a while even if just for a few hours.
it is like a long distance relationship without the distance.
work still sucks, probably will till next tuesday when cathy is back and up and running again.
i pray i dont get another shop drawing because that will just kill any progress i am making. i finally applied all the cash, and now i have a ton of credit cards to apply....i just always seem to be behind the 8 ball these days.
the bad part is the pile underneath all the regular work is all the invoices i have to 'fix' that were billed wrong.... if nancy was up to speed she could help me with them but she is not yet, so i still have to do them myself.
then next week I HAVE TO do the bank statement otherwise i will end up a month behind again.
it is alot to keep straight and so far i kinda have a handle on it all. even though i am not caught up.
tonight josh has a merit badge meeting and i have open house. i hate open house.
thurs i have a committee meeting for scouts, friday is the rehearsal for the wedding and sat, i have to paint the float in the day and the wedding is at night. sunday i have church and a jewelry party at 2...... not a moment to stop and rest.... not a moment to see jim..... not a freaking moment!!!
so i am hoping that i did not miss that opportunity
lately it has been one day mid week and one day on the weekend and i know that could stop at any moment because the mom is crazy
i just never want to miss an opportunity to see him when i see him so infrequently.
even if i was at scouts i could have gotten josh settled and shot out to see him for a while even if just for a few hours.
it is like a long distance relationship without the distance.
work still sucks, probably will till next tuesday when cathy is back and up and running again.
i pray i dont get another shop drawing because that will just kill any progress i am making. i finally applied all the cash, and now i have a ton of credit cards to apply....i just always seem to be behind the 8 ball these days.
the bad part is the pile underneath all the regular work is all the invoices i have to 'fix' that were billed wrong.... if nancy was up to speed she could help me with them but she is not yet, so i still have to do them myself.
then next week I HAVE TO do the bank statement otherwise i will end up a month behind again.
it is alot to keep straight and so far i kinda have a handle on it all. even though i am not caught up.
tonight josh has a merit badge meeting and i have open house. i hate open house.
thurs i have a committee meeting for scouts, friday is the rehearsal for the wedding and sat, i have to paint the float in the day and the wedding is at night. sunday i have church and a jewelry party at 2...... not a moment to stop and rest.... not a moment to see jim..... not a freaking moment!!!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
i am pissed off at myself
actually i am pissed at my phone
for some reason it was not receiving phone calls this evening... so i missed jeans call and i missed jims call.
i hate that.
first of all it seems like i am being rude, which i am not, and second what if jim was going to tell me that he did not have his daughter tonight.... i would be pissed!
i am pissed anyway
fucking phone
i have no idea why it happened either.
went to scouts tonight and they kept me around for 3 board of reviews, that took up the whole meeting time.
and then when i got home i tried to use the phone and it would not dial, so i turned it off and turned it back on and then it worked... but by then jean was probably watching big brother and i did not want to disturb her
and it was an hour after jim had called me.... and i got his vm when i called him back
argh!
actually i am pissed at my phone
for some reason it was not receiving phone calls this evening... so i missed jeans call and i missed jims call.
i hate that.
first of all it seems like i am being rude, which i am not, and second what if jim was going to tell me that he did not have his daughter tonight.... i would be pissed!
i am pissed anyway
fucking phone
i have no idea why it happened either.
went to scouts tonight and they kept me around for 3 board of reviews, that took up the whole meeting time.
and then when i got home i tried to use the phone and it would not dial, so i turned it off and turned it back on and then it worked... but by then jean was probably watching big brother and i did not want to disturb her
and it was an hour after jim had called me.... and i got his vm when i called him back
argh!
so i get a little down when i cant see jim
we are both so busy and i am busier than i used to be
before if he called i was able to just shoot out and see him for a while
but now with scouts and church and the float and mom and jewelry, i will not be able to do it so easily.
still hoping he can go to the wedding with me but who knows about that.
i am prepared if he cant... but i really wish he could
right now i am waiting for a return phone call which i may not get
last week he spoke to me every night before bed.... not so much this week.
and i always have in the back of my head, maybe he will call and say he does not have his daughter....but most times that does not happen.
i do wish i could be with him more, but like i tell him all the time, he is worth the wait.
i know that if this lasts and i think it will, by this time next year things will be totally different for us.
it is just getting to that point
i know that this is up to him, not letting me be around his daughter
and i know it is because he has learned from mistakes made in the past.
but i think of the holidays without him, and that would suck.
and his birthday..... i just want to be with him more than i am
oh well, such is life.
i colored my hair today so i will look spiffy for the wedding and i tried on the dress and shoes... they look good.
i made seared scallops with browned butter sauce for dinner.... yummy.
now we have to go to scouts, it is my turn for snack and laureen wants help with board of review so i am there for the long haul.
if he calls, i will still find a way to get there.....
we are both so busy and i am busier than i used to be
before if he called i was able to just shoot out and see him for a while
but now with scouts and church and the float and mom and jewelry, i will not be able to do it so easily.
still hoping he can go to the wedding with me but who knows about that.
i am prepared if he cant... but i really wish he could
right now i am waiting for a return phone call which i may not get
last week he spoke to me every night before bed.... not so much this week.
and i always have in the back of my head, maybe he will call and say he does not have his daughter....but most times that does not happen.
i do wish i could be with him more, but like i tell him all the time, he is worth the wait.
i know that if this lasts and i think it will, by this time next year things will be totally different for us.
it is just getting to that point
i know that this is up to him, not letting me be around his daughter
and i know it is because he has learned from mistakes made in the past.
but i think of the holidays without him, and that would suck.
and his birthday..... i just want to be with him more than i am
oh well, such is life.
i colored my hair today so i will look spiffy for the wedding and i tried on the dress and shoes... they look good.
i made seared scallops with browned butter sauce for dinner.... yummy.
now we have to go to scouts, it is my turn for snack and laureen wants help with board of review so i am there for the long haul.
if he calls, i will still find a way to get there.....
Monday, September 15, 2008
patrick you are the only person who ever comments on this blog....
others comment in emails and in person....
i never seem to want to write much anymore. i dont have these crazy feelings anymore like no one will ever want me or anything like that
i am quite happy with jim and things are going well.
i dont see him nearly as much as i would like but i know the deal and this is the way it will be for a while.
not sure when i will see him next ... i am hoping for the wedding.... i am actually hoping for sooner.
we only played vm tag today did not actually get to talk to him but i know he is alive and there is no reason for me to freak :)
work SUCKS
it is hectic and crazy and i am not caught up yet and i want to run screaming from the building.
they know i am working hard and dont really jump on my case when i am like this but i hate being this crazy busy.
i am sleepy but not... i will take a pill to get some rest cause i will need it tomorrow.
others comment in emails and in person....
i never seem to want to write much anymore. i dont have these crazy feelings anymore like no one will ever want me or anything like that
i am quite happy with jim and things are going well.
i dont see him nearly as much as i would like but i know the deal and this is the way it will be for a while.
not sure when i will see him next ... i am hoping for the wedding.... i am actually hoping for sooner.
we only played vm tag today did not actually get to talk to him but i know he is alive and there is no reason for me to freak :)
work SUCKS
it is hectic and crazy and i am not caught up yet and i want to run screaming from the building.
they know i am working hard and dont really jump on my case when i am like this but i hate being this crazy busy.
i am sleepy but not... i will take a pill to get some rest cause i will need it tomorrow.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
well you remember the army commercials that said
we do more before 10am than most people do all day.... or something like that
i have been up since 7:30 doing 5 loads of laundry in two different laundry rooms cause there was not enough empty machines in my regular laundry room
got josh up, took my shower, dropped him at church came back and folded every thing, then went to church
been going all day
i dread my desk tomorrow.... dread i tell you.
we do more before 10am than most people do all day.... or something like that
i have been up since 7:30 doing 5 loads of laundry in two different laundry rooms cause there was not enough empty machines in my regular laundry room
got josh up, took my shower, dropped him at church came back and folded every thing, then went to church
been going all day
i dread my desk tomorrow.... dread i tell you.
Friday, September 12, 2008
i am feeling sad tonight
jim said that he might not have his daughter tonight so i
have my hopes up, but i have called twice since 5 and it went to vm both times.
i may as well give up hope at this point since i have not heard from him yet
he probably has her
patrick is mad at me because i did not go to the cracker barell for the happy hour for mike b visiting from the UK.
i had to do my mom's shopping and get josh to a meeting at 6:30
if they had had it at wings i would have gone for a while but it is not
and i cant feel bad about this
there is no service at the cracker barell apparently because neither mike or patrick are getting calls or texts
i tried
but failed
i feel bad about that but there was nothing i could do.
and on top of all of that, if i get a chance to see jim
hell, i am gonna take it.
unfortunately that seems to have failed as well.
well, i am used to that part, there is always another day....
and i know he misses seeing me just as much
work was hell this week and i am glad it is over
but monday i walk right into the fire that i left on my desk today
i am trying to stick to my diet and i am doing good but i want all kinds of stuff
i cant have and i am craving them
hell, isnt that always the way!
jim said that he might not have his daughter tonight so i
have my hopes up, but i have called twice since 5 and it went to vm both times.
i may as well give up hope at this point since i have not heard from him yet
he probably has her
patrick is mad at me because i did not go to the cracker barell for the happy hour for mike b visiting from the UK.
i had to do my mom's shopping and get josh to a meeting at 6:30
if they had had it at wings i would have gone for a while but it is not
and i cant feel bad about this
there is no service at the cracker barell apparently because neither mike or patrick are getting calls or texts
i tried
but failed
i feel bad about that but there was nothing i could do.
and on top of all of that, if i get a chance to see jim
hell, i am gonna take it.
unfortunately that seems to have failed as well.
well, i am used to that part, there is always another day....
and i know he misses seeing me just as much
work was hell this week and i am glad it is over
but monday i walk right into the fire that i left on my desk today
i am trying to stick to my diet and i am doing good but i want all kinds of stuff
i cant have and i am craving them
hell, isnt that always the way!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
well today was a long freaking day
but i got both north haven AND waterbury up and running... i had not planned on waterbury but dennis suggested it and it made sense to do it today.
i am feeling very much like i need a raise but i have never ever asked for one in 25 years and i would not know how to do it or what to say.
i am so happy with jim.
yes his name is jim, i am done with the realtor crap
this has been the best 7 weeks of my life and i am so happy i am with him
he is so appreciative of everything that i do
he told me tonight 'you like me for me'
and i do
i am broke this week, it is the tight week so until next wednesday i will try not to spend any money
i have to crack down on making jewelry, maybe this weekend... who knows :)
i need some sleep, i am still working on 3 hours and it is getting to me at this point ;)
but i got both north haven AND waterbury up and running... i had not planned on waterbury but dennis suggested it and it made sense to do it today.
i am feeling very much like i need a raise but i have never ever asked for one in 25 years and i would not know how to do it or what to say.
i am so happy with jim.
yes his name is jim, i am done with the realtor crap
this has been the best 7 weeks of my life and i am so happy i am with him
he is so appreciative of everything that i do
he told me tonight 'you like me for me'
and i do
i am broke this week, it is the tight week so until next wednesday i will try not to spend any money
i have to crack down on making jewelry, maybe this weekend... who knows :)
i need some sleep, i am still working on 3 hours and it is getting to me at this point ;)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
argh
what a day
computer problems galore!
at least i got out of the office tho
got to talk to the realtor around noon but not again after that
hope all is well, i am sure it is. he said he was up at 3am so he probably was exhausted.
i put a bit of info on my facebook account.... i still dont really know what i am going to do with it.
but it seems the thing to do these days, so after a bit of prodding i did something with it.
i hope tomorrow is nicer to me.... i am backed up at work and i hope to be in the office all day friday to catch up, but tomorrow seems like it will be lost to computers again.
i REALLY NEED TO WORK WITH MY BEADS but i just dont feel like it!
what a day
computer problems galore!
at least i got out of the office tho
got to talk to the realtor around noon but not again after that
hope all is well, i am sure it is. he said he was up at 3am so he probably was exhausted.
i put a bit of info on my facebook account.... i still dont really know what i am going to do with it.
but it seems the thing to do these days, so after a bit of prodding i did something with it.
i hope tomorrow is nicer to me.... i am backed up at work and i hope to be in the office all day friday to catch up, but tomorrow seems like it will be lost to computers again.
i REALLY NEED TO WORK WITH MY BEADS but i just dont feel like it!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
the power of it all
well today was actually pretty good even though the power went out at around noon and was a pain in my ass all day long.
i lost a part on my computer and all my ups's blew as well.
have to wait in bloomfield tomorrow for ibm to show up then i am off to north haven to hook up the vpn
i actually had a good day though, got to talk to the realtor several times today and emails too.
i am loving this, and i think he is too
tonight was the second night in a row that he called me before he went to bed.... that is crazy talk for him... usually if i dont get him around 6 i dont hear from him till tomorrow....
got to talk to gloria tonight, that was nice, i have not heard from her in a while... we are both always so busy that we rarely get to chat or even spend any time together.
so it was nice to catch up
so i am getting geared up for two craft fairs and a few bead parties. i am glad about this because i need to make money money money, it makes the world go round i hear.
so i think i will try to get to bed before 11 tonight.... if that is possible.... tomorrow is gonna kick my ass i think.
i lost a part on my computer and all my ups's blew as well.
have to wait in bloomfield tomorrow for ibm to show up then i am off to north haven to hook up the vpn
i actually had a good day though, got to talk to the realtor several times today and emails too.
i am loving this, and i think he is too
tonight was the second night in a row that he called me before he went to bed.... that is crazy talk for him... usually if i dont get him around 6 i dont hear from him till tomorrow....
got to talk to gloria tonight, that was nice, i have not heard from her in a while... we are both always so busy that we rarely get to chat or even spend any time together.
so it was nice to catch up
so i am getting geared up for two craft fairs and a few bead parties. i am glad about this because i need to make money money money, it makes the world go round i hear.
so i think i will try to get to bed before 11 tonight.... if that is possible.... tomorrow is gonna kick my ass i think.
mantra of sorts
a friend of mine wrote on her blog yesterday about how in some situations you need to let go of the past, forget it even, in order to embrace the future.
my situation does not compare in the least to hers, she is dealing with a trauma that has happened in her life to a loved one, and they are changed forever....
but i suppose in any situation, in some small way, you have to do that.
let go of the past in order to embrace the future
i sometimes think of everything i have been thru with scott and zeke and all the other small relationships after that up until now.
things got strained in the end, and there was always an end.
it scares me to think there might be an end to what i have now, but there is always an end.
it is comforting to me to know that this is still the beginning and it is still new and we have time, lots of time ahead of us to let this grow.
sometimes it is hard to focus on the positive when there is so much negative in the world and in our lives
problems with work
money problems
dealing with the death of loved ones
dealing with a parent that needs your care
dealing with children and school and commitments
trying to find time to be alone with the person you care for in a busy world
but then you have to step back and look at the good right in front of you
you are alive
you have your health
you have family who loves you and friends who love you
you have the promise of a future, what ever that may entail
you have a job in these hard times
you have children who love you
i dont know who i am writing this for, it fits so many people in my life, some who will never read this blog even.
but i guess the point i am making today, is to lift your head up to the sun (whether it is out today or not) and let the sun shine on your face and know that you are loved by many people and that today is just one day, and you can get thru this one day.
so i look toward today as i look toward the future, i see good things ahead for me
my situation does not compare in the least to hers, she is dealing with a trauma that has happened in her life to a loved one, and they are changed forever....
but i suppose in any situation, in some small way, you have to do that.
let go of the past in order to embrace the future
i sometimes think of everything i have been thru with scott and zeke and all the other small relationships after that up until now.
things got strained in the end, and there was always an end.
it scares me to think there might be an end to what i have now, but there is always an end.
it is comforting to me to know that this is still the beginning and it is still new and we have time, lots of time ahead of us to let this grow.
sometimes it is hard to focus on the positive when there is so much negative in the world and in our lives
problems with work
money problems
dealing with the death of loved ones
dealing with a parent that needs your care
dealing with children and school and commitments
trying to find time to be alone with the person you care for in a busy world
but then you have to step back and look at the good right in front of you
you are alive
you have your health
you have family who loves you and friends who love you
you have the promise of a future, what ever that may entail
you have a job in these hard times
you have children who love you
i dont know who i am writing this for, it fits so many people in my life, some who will never read this blog even.
but i guess the point i am making today, is to lift your head up to the sun (whether it is out today or not) and let the sun shine on your face and know that you are loved by many people and that today is just one day, and you can get thru this one day.
so i look toward today as i look toward the future, i see good things ahead for me
Monday, September 8, 2008
busy day
today was a crazy day at work
did about a million things
getting my act together so i can go to north haven on wednesday to set up the vna there
love getting out of the office!! love it!!
got to talk to sally, and she sounded better today than yesterday. i feel so bad that i cant be there for her. but thank god for the phone and the internet!
talked to the realtor several times today, wow, i am really happy
saw my counselor and told her how happy i am and she was happy for me!
i asked her about my crazy thoughts that someone is dead when i dont hear from them
she was not alarmed at all and said it is only natural for me to feel that way because i have had someone close to me suddenly die, and with my mom's health these last few years it makes sense that i feel this way sometimes.... so if she is not worried ....neither am i.
sleepy tonight, went to patricks for a glass of wine or two and now i am hoping i sleep well.
did about a million things
getting my act together so i can go to north haven on wednesday to set up the vna there
love getting out of the office!! love it!!
got to talk to sally, and she sounded better today than yesterday. i feel so bad that i cant be there for her. but thank god for the phone and the internet!
talked to the realtor several times today, wow, i am really happy
saw my counselor and told her how happy i am and she was happy for me!
i asked her about my crazy thoughts that someone is dead when i dont hear from them
she was not alarmed at all and said it is only natural for me to feel that way because i have had someone close to me suddenly die, and with my mom's health these last few years it makes sense that i feel this way sometimes.... so if she is not worried ....neither am i.
sleepy tonight, went to patricks for a glass of wine or two and now i am hoping i sleep well.
monday monday
arg ..... work.....
well somebody has to do it i guess....
lets see, i have a wreck on my desk from last week
and i have to start the green sheets for august
and i have to collect alot of money
and i have to keep all my boss' happy
this that and the other thing.... but it will all get done, maybe not today, but it will
it is going to be nice and sunny today, i hate working on days like that!
i never heard back from sally, i hope she is ok
will email the realtor and see if i get a reply, sometimes i do, sometimes not so much....off to do my hair, josh has to go with me this morning, we have not gotten the ok about using the school cello yet.... and he has to sell popcorn at work too.
well somebody has to do it i guess....
lets see, i have a wreck on my desk from last week
and i have to start the green sheets for august
and i have to collect alot of money
and i have to keep all my boss' happy
this that and the other thing.... but it will all get done, maybe not today, but it will
it is going to be nice and sunny today, i hate working on days like that!
i never heard back from sally, i hope she is ok
will email the realtor and see if i get a reply, sometimes i do, sometimes not so much....off to do my hair, josh has to go with me this morning, we have not gotten the ok about using the school cello yet.... and he has to sell popcorn at work too.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
follow up
i am so happy with my neyba situation here at rivers bend
of course i have patrick who is not only a good neyba but a good friend as well down on the other street
and i have paul and his girls, and heather and her kids
we live in the best building in here, we all are divorced and we have kids and we can all relate somehow to each other.
heather put a sign in my garden yesterday that says 'pumpkin patch' and i gave her some earrings today
paul is using my motorcycle helmet since he has a bike and i dont have a boyfriend with a bike... it may as well get some use.
it is a nice little situation.
and paul and patty are really nice too.
as for the realtor, we spoke at 1 and it was a good conversation and nothing seems different at all, so i guess i did not wreck anything.... i will just go on as i usually do
i am not going to start signing emails with love.... or say it anymore at all really. i will continue with the way i have always done things. but he knows, and i think he already knew anyway.
josh and i went on a bike ride today, i will be feeling it by this time tomorrow i am sure
i made him write his thank you letters for his scholarships for CTY and he is supposed to be cleaning out the dishwasher right now but i dont hear any clanking of dishes.
jean clarified that she was not concerned about his drinking last night she was concerned with his driving. i am sorry for jumping to that conclusion. funny, i was not concerned about his driving, he drove fine.... it was not raining nearly as hard as it was when we went to enfield.... and we got there safe and sound.
but again, i am aware.... and i am keeping an eye out.
cause i have been there and done that and got the freakin t-shirt.
sally called me with sad news and i am waiting to speak to her, i have tried to call a few times and she has been on the phone. i want to be there for her.... i hope she is ok.
today was a full day
started with the realtor, then church, then lunch with josh, then the bike ride, now home......
i am feeling more and more 'together' each day. i like this feeling.
i think i will try to make jewelry tonight, i need to stock up and get the beads ready for parties cause i will have at least two before xmas.... yay!
i need money.
ahhh the sound of clanking dishes.... he is doing his chore..... what can i have him do next??
of course i have patrick who is not only a good neyba but a good friend as well down on the other street
and i have paul and his girls, and heather and her kids
we live in the best building in here, we all are divorced and we have kids and we can all relate somehow to each other.
heather put a sign in my garden yesterday that says 'pumpkin patch' and i gave her some earrings today
paul is using my motorcycle helmet since he has a bike and i dont have a boyfriend with a bike... it may as well get some use.
it is a nice little situation.
and paul and patty are really nice too.
as for the realtor, we spoke at 1 and it was a good conversation and nothing seems different at all, so i guess i did not wreck anything.... i will just go on as i usually do
i am not going to start signing emails with love.... or say it anymore at all really. i will continue with the way i have always done things. but he knows, and i think he already knew anyway.
josh and i went on a bike ride today, i will be feeling it by this time tomorrow i am sure
i made him write his thank you letters for his scholarships for CTY and he is supposed to be cleaning out the dishwasher right now but i dont hear any clanking of dishes.
jean clarified that she was not concerned about his drinking last night she was concerned with his driving. i am sorry for jumping to that conclusion. funny, i was not concerned about his driving, he drove fine.... it was not raining nearly as hard as it was when we went to enfield.... and we got there safe and sound.
but again, i am aware.... and i am keeping an eye out.
cause i have been there and done that and got the freakin t-shirt.
sally called me with sad news and i am waiting to speak to her, i have tried to call a few times and she has been on the phone. i want to be there for her.... i hope she is ok.
today was a full day
started with the realtor, then church, then lunch with josh, then the bike ride, now home......
i am feeling more and more 'together' each day. i like this feeling.
i think i will try to make jewelry tonight, i need to stock up and get the beads ready for parties cause i will have at least two before xmas.... yay!
i need money.
ahhh the sound of clanking dishes.... he is doing his chore..... what can i have him do next??
insert foot in mouth
well he called
actually he fell asleep and i called and woke him and then i went over
i actually got him to go all the way to enfield to see gene's band and to meet jean.
i was thrilled. it was a great night.
he drank alot and i think jean was concerned
but as of right now, i am not.
but i have my eyes open.
we had fun, everyone seemed to like him and he liked them as well.
i stayed with him till this morning when i had to go to church
my one regret and i did not regret it at the time (or at all really until i left today)
last night, i only had 3 beers i was not drunk at all,
i kept smiling at him and he kept saying 'what?'
so when we got back to his house i took his face in my hands and
told him that i was in love with him
gasp!
i know it!
she didnt really say that did she?
omg!
yes i did
i got a huge huge smile in return and i kiss and i told 'and i'm not drunk either' and he said i know your not
my regret is this
i did not get a
'me too'
or anything like that
and i hope i did not fuck it up by saying that
but hell, he must know that is how i feel about him
he knows i am crazy about him and i have said everything BUT that so far....
i said it last night around 11:30 or so and we still had all night and this morning and he seemed fine. so i am guessing i did no harm with it.
i was beating myself up about it
but when i said my prayers after communion i had to forgive myself for being human and for expressing love to someone
i did not get a reply
maybe i never will
maybe it takes him alot longer to feel that way about someone
maybe he is like zeke and does not say it at all
but no matter what the reasons
i know how i feel and i expressed it
and there really is nothing i can do now
i cant take it back
and i dont want to
when i said it i told myself that if i was going to say it
it should not matter if he says it back or not
so i have to feel that way today as well.
actually he fell asleep and i called and woke him and then i went over
i actually got him to go all the way to enfield to see gene's band and to meet jean.
i was thrilled. it was a great night.
he drank alot and i think jean was concerned
but as of right now, i am not.
but i have my eyes open.
we had fun, everyone seemed to like him and he liked them as well.
i stayed with him till this morning when i had to go to church
my one regret and i did not regret it at the time (or at all really until i left today)
last night, i only had 3 beers i was not drunk at all,
i kept smiling at him and he kept saying 'what?'
so when we got back to his house i took his face in my hands and
told him that i was in love with him
gasp!
i know it!
she didnt really say that did she?
omg!
yes i did
i got a huge huge smile in return and i kiss and i told 'and i'm not drunk either' and he said i know your not
my regret is this
i did not get a
'me too'
or anything like that
and i hope i did not fuck it up by saying that
but hell, he must know that is how i feel about him
he knows i am crazy about him and i have said everything BUT that so far....
i said it last night around 11:30 or so and we still had all night and this morning and he seemed fine. so i am guessing i did no harm with it.
i was beating myself up about it
but when i said my prayers after communion i had to forgive myself for being human and for expressing love to someone
i did not get a reply
maybe i never will
maybe it takes him alot longer to feel that way about someone
maybe he is like zeke and does not say it at all
but no matter what the reasons
i know how i feel and i expressed it
and there really is nothing i can do now
i cant take it back
and i dont want to
when i said it i told myself that if i was going to say it
it should not matter if he says it back or not
so i have to feel that way today as well.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
slow day, good day
funny how i have friends that read this
some have rss feeds that tell them when i post a new post
others just read every morning
either way, i have people who know what is going on without me even telling them
or if i am particularly miffed or crazed that day i will just send and email that says
'read the blog, then you will know'
right now i am awaiting a call from the realtor telling me if his daughter was picked up by the illustrious mother for the night....i hope so.... but i dont hold my breath on these things cause i am likely to die
i have my bag in here ready to pack but i wont do it till i hear, cause it will only take 2 minutes to do so.
i also plan to spring it on him that i want him to go to the gig with me tonight in enfield, i will drive and am prepared to pay as well if that is an issue.
i want so bad for jean to meet him, not so much to prove he is real cause i know she knows he is real, i just want it to move to another step, meeting my friends.
i know it will eventually.... but it would be nice if it happened tonight.
so he said he was calling the mom to see when she was showing up and would call me right back, naturally he got stuck on the phone so when i called back 45 minutes later, he said he needed a few more minutes.... i am prepared to call again in an hour.... that is how we roll :)
like i said, i am prepared for him to tell me the mom is not coming and i will go to the gig alone but i really hope that is not the case.
i am in a good place today, feeling comfortable with my relationship and had a chance to sit and visit with jean for a while and that is always nice.
so cross your fingers and say your prayers for me that i get to see him tonight and additionally, i hope that he will agree to go to enfield too :)
some have rss feeds that tell them when i post a new post
others just read every morning
either way, i have people who know what is going on without me even telling them
or if i am particularly miffed or crazed that day i will just send and email that says
'read the blog, then you will know'
right now i am awaiting a call from the realtor telling me if his daughter was picked up by the illustrious mother for the night....i hope so.... but i dont hold my breath on these things cause i am likely to die
i have my bag in here ready to pack but i wont do it till i hear, cause it will only take 2 minutes to do so.
i also plan to spring it on him that i want him to go to the gig with me tonight in enfield, i will drive and am prepared to pay as well if that is an issue.
i want so bad for jean to meet him, not so much to prove he is real cause i know she knows he is real, i just want it to move to another step, meeting my friends.
i know it will eventually.... but it would be nice if it happened tonight.
so he said he was calling the mom to see when she was showing up and would call me right back, naturally he got stuck on the phone so when i called back 45 minutes later, he said he needed a few more minutes.... i am prepared to call again in an hour.... that is how we roll :)
like i said, i am prepared for him to tell me the mom is not coming and i will go to the gig alone but i really hope that is not the case.
i am in a good place today, feeling comfortable with my relationship and had a chance to sit and visit with jean for a while and that is always nice.
so cross your fingers and say your prayers for me that i get to see him tonight and additionally, i hope that he will agree to go to enfield too :)
my saturday in a nutshell
so it is 11am
i called the realtor at 10
woke him up i am assuming from a nap not from a nights sleep
he said he would call me back
this is my life with the busiest single dad in the world
my guess is i wont hear from him for hours, so i will call around 1 and check in
and at that time i will get vm :)
i am pshycic like that, i can predict the future
at least at this point i am feeling very secure in our relationship and i now know
this is because
a) he is totally busy all the time
b) slightly forgetful, but not in a bad way, just a confused professor kind of way (not to use the professor word in vain, make no comparisons here people, the realtor is far better than the professor in SO many ways)
by the way, not sure if i wrote on the blog about this, i know i told patrick and jean via emails
the professor once again passive agressively texted me thru searchbug.com so that i could not reply to his text, asking me to dinner friday. he texted around 10:30pm thursday
i basically ignored it and forgot about it till the next morning.... i looked into this searchbug.com online and my thought is that he does it thru there because it is free.... hell, rich people are rich for a reason, they are frugle.... anyway, i decided to text him like a normal person on my phone and said something like
hi, i am not sure if you will get this or not but thank you for the offer but i am not interested in dating right now. it was nice meeting you thanks amy
or something like that
i have not heard back, so if i get another searchbug text then i know i will have to call him cause he did not get my text
i am completely happy dating the realtor, he really appreciates me and who i am and what i have to offer.
it certainly gives me enough time to do my things too. the one thing is that i dont go far from home much because if he does call and tell me he is free, i want to be within an hour of getting to him.
so i did things backwards again today, i got up and did errands and took my shower at 10:30 so here i sit with wet hair that has to be 'did' and i dont feel like it!! but i will.
big plans for tonight .... if i dont hear from jim..... and maybe i will do it with jim if he calls in time and is up for it.... gene's band is playing at the hazard grill in enfield.... 7-11 or something early like that, it is a good time, the little lounge is usually filled the whole evening....
church starts up again for us all tomorrow, josh and i helped with the altar clean up this morning for about 40 minutes before we had to get going.
looking forward to seeing all the people tomorrow. i am going to be more involved with teaching this year (the senior youth group) and try to help out more with christian ed in general. i will still be on the altar guild for oct and april, and i am helping with the float for windsor's 375th celebration.... maybe i will go to the auction this year..... hmmmm i have never been to it yet.... why start now! ha!
off to do my hair and keep myself occupied for the afternoon... wish i had money, i would SHOP!
oh, on my profile page i put some blogs that i sometimes follow if anyone is interested... i still love the 'its lovely i'll take it' site but there are a few others like photoshop disasters and cakewrecks that are kinda funny too.
i called the realtor at 10
woke him up i am assuming from a nap not from a nights sleep
he said he would call me back
this is my life with the busiest single dad in the world
my guess is i wont hear from him for hours, so i will call around 1 and check in
and at that time i will get vm :)
i am pshycic like that, i can predict the future
at least at this point i am feeling very secure in our relationship and i now know
this is because
a) he is totally busy all the time
b) slightly forgetful, but not in a bad way, just a confused professor kind of way (not to use the professor word in vain, make no comparisons here people, the realtor is far better than the professor in SO many ways)
by the way, not sure if i wrote on the blog about this, i know i told patrick and jean via emails
the professor once again passive agressively texted me thru searchbug.com so that i could not reply to his text, asking me to dinner friday. he texted around 10:30pm thursday
i basically ignored it and forgot about it till the next morning.... i looked into this searchbug.com online and my thought is that he does it thru there because it is free.... hell, rich people are rich for a reason, they are frugle.... anyway, i decided to text him like a normal person on my phone and said something like
hi, i am not sure if you will get this or not but thank you for the offer but i am not interested in dating right now. it was nice meeting you thanks amy
or something like that
i have not heard back, so if i get another searchbug text then i know i will have to call him cause he did not get my text
i am completely happy dating the realtor, he really appreciates me and who i am and what i have to offer.
it certainly gives me enough time to do my things too. the one thing is that i dont go far from home much because if he does call and tell me he is free, i want to be within an hour of getting to him.
so i did things backwards again today, i got up and did errands and took my shower at 10:30 so here i sit with wet hair that has to be 'did' and i dont feel like it!! but i will.
big plans for tonight .... if i dont hear from jim..... and maybe i will do it with jim if he calls in time and is up for it.... gene's band is playing at the hazard grill in enfield.... 7-11 or something early like that, it is a good time, the little lounge is usually filled the whole evening....
church starts up again for us all tomorrow, josh and i helped with the altar clean up this morning for about 40 minutes before we had to get going.
looking forward to seeing all the people tomorrow. i am going to be more involved with teaching this year (the senior youth group) and try to help out more with christian ed in general. i will still be on the altar guild for oct and april, and i am helping with the float for windsor's 375th celebration.... maybe i will go to the auction this year..... hmmmm i have never been to it yet.... why start now! ha!
off to do my hair and keep myself occupied for the afternoon... wish i had money, i would SHOP!
oh, on my profile page i put some blogs that i sometimes follow if anyone is interested... i still love the 'its lovely i'll take it' site but there are a few others like photoshop disasters and cakewrecks that are kinda funny too.
sleepless in windsor
i did not sleep too well
my neyba, who i really like
has his daughters about 1/2 the week, and when they are
here, the older one has a boom box that she leaves on all night long
i told him i could hear it in my room and told him that i turned the a/c on
to drown it out but soon i wont be able to do that
apparently he must no see how loud it is for me so i am going to have to say something today
i hate having to say something about the neybas, i always want to be a good neyba, but i cant have it affect my sleep.
i sleep so poorly as it is
it is raining out but i was going to try to go for my walk anyway... wear a hat and jacket... but i am not sure how much it is raining actually.
i am up for the day cause i cant get back to sleep with the boom box going
so i may as well do something
i have to make jewelry, i have a show coming up and the holidays are coming up and i need stock to deal with those times.
i also have some bead parties coming up too.
i am auctioning off a party for the auction at church and laureen is planning one too and maybe bo again too if she does not win the one at church.
i kind of hope someone else gets the party at church then i can have 3 scheduled. new people get a $5 per person charge but i dont do that with laureen cause she helped me get started and most of them know how to finish their own jewelry anyway.
and the $5 charge is waived on the one for the auction.
i need to make some money with this stuff.
it is my only talent really that i can make money with so i have to try to do it.
well my eyes were not stuck together this morning so i am hoping i avoided the pink eye bullet that was going around work.
i cant wait to wear the earrings i made last night, they are not sterling but they are really cool. i am going to try to make one or two more pairs to sell.
so i guess i will go see what the weather is like, i hope that maybe today i might get to see the realtor for little while... probably wont happen but a girl can hope right?
my neyba, who i really like
has his daughters about 1/2 the week, and when they are
here, the older one has a boom box that she leaves on all night long
i told him i could hear it in my room and told him that i turned the a/c on
to drown it out but soon i wont be able to do that
apparently he must no see how loud it is for me so i am going to have to say something today
i hate having to say something about the neybas, i always want to be a good neyba, but i cant have it affect my sleep.
i sleep so poorly as it is
it is raining out but i was going to try to go for my walk anyway... wear a hat and jacket... but i am not sure how much it is raining actually.
i am up for the day cause i cant get back to sleep with the boom box going
so i may as well do something
i have to make jewelry, i have a show coming up and the holidays are coming up and i need stock to deal with those times.
i also have some bead parties coming up too.
i am auctioning off a party for the auction at church and laureen is planning one too and maybe bo again too if she does not win the one at church.
i kind of hope someone else gets the party at church then i can have 3 scheduled. new people get a $5 per person charge but i dont do that with laureen cause she helped me get started and most of them know how to finish their own jewelry anyway.
and the $5 charge is waived on the one for the auction.
i need to make some money with this stuff.
it is my only talent really that i can make money with so i have to try to do it.
well my eyes were not stuck together this morning so i am hoping i avoided the pink eye bullet that was going around work.
i cant wait to wear the earrings i made last night, they are not sterling but they are really cool. i am going to try to make one or two more pairs to sell.
so i guess i will go see what the weather is like, i hope that maybe today i might get to see the realtor for little while... probably wont happen but a girl can hope right?
Friday, September 5, 2008
content
i know calm today
i am very secure and calm about the realtor
i know he is only seeing me
i know he thinks i am pretty cool
i understand what he is going thru and i am willing to wait
for things to change so that i can see him more often
my friends are still here for me to keep me occupied
i have hobbies like making jewelry
and church is started back up, and that keeps me busy and involved
i would rather be involved with church than hang around.
i was painting the shield for the float for Windsor's 375th birthday but i am done with it now
i am hoping to get another artistic project like that soon
i am getting to know my neybas a bit more and that is fun too
josh spent tonight home... this is the first friday nite he has spent home in like a year
it was nice to have him here and we got along for the most part
he still wants the new bed so he is still on a kick to clean his room so he can get rid of the bunk bed/desk contraption that we have now
i will have to look into selling it on craigslist or something like that. i would like to get a few hundred dollars for it since it is only slightly used and it cost a whole lot more than a few hundred dollars... and i have to buy a new mattress and box spring for his new bed anyway.... would be nice to fund it.
i was making a new style of earring tonight, like chain mail.... if that is how you spell it.
it is hard, made from jump rings and they are not soldered so they are not perfectly round. but they are cool
i need to get some sleep tonight..... i hope i can
nothing spectacular going on tomorrow just would like to be well rested.
i hope to see the realtor even just for a few hours at some point this weekend.
i hope.
i am very secure and calm about the realtor
i know he is only seeing me
i know he thinks i am pretty cool
i understand what he is going thru and i am willing to wait
for things to change so that i can see him more often
my friends are still here for me to keep me occupied
i have hobbies like making jewelry
and church is started back up, and that keeps me busy and involved
i would rather be involved with church than hang around.
i was painting the shield for the float for Windsor's 375th birthday but i am done with it now
i am hoping to get another artistic project like that soon
i am getting to know my neybas a bit more and that is fun too
josh spent tonight home... this is the first friday nite he has spent home in like a year
it was nice to have him here and we got along for the most part
he still wants the new bed so he is still on a kick to clean his room so he can get rid of the bunk bed/desk contraption that we have now
i will have to look into selling it on craigslist or something like that. i would like to get a few hundred dollars for it since it is only slightly used and it cost a whole lot more than a few hundred dollars... and i have to buy a new mattress and box spring for his new bed anyway.... would be nice to fund it.
i was making a new style of earring tonight, like chain mail.... if that is how you spell it.
it is hard, made from jump rings and they are not soldered so they are not perfectly round. but they are cool
i need to get some sleep tonight..... i hope i can
nothing spectacular going on tomorrow just would like to be well rested.
i hope to see the realtor even just for a few hours at some point this weekend.
i hope.
i think i pulled something in my back
on my left side, near my shoulder blade.... it kills me to get up and down
or lay down or sit up in bed. does not hurt to move my arm, just stuff that requires
muscles in my back
i have NO idea what happened
around 4 pm yesterday at work it started to hurt
i did my mom's groceries the day before but dont remember hurting it then
i did my groceries last night and probably aggravated it
it hurt to sleep because i flip flop alot in my sleep and every time i did, it killed.
josh got good news that maybe he will be able to use the school cello that way his cello never has to go to school except for the concerts
that means that i wont have to drive and pick up like i had thought i might have to.
if he makes the stage band i will still have to do it on those days but we can deal with that when it comes.
in two weeks the after school orchestra starts but if he uses the school cello, then i just have to see if i can get him to take the late bus
it would be great if i did not have to do so much of the dropping off and picking up... i loose my lunch when i do that
i just remembered i have to pay on his lunch account today too.... argh.... always something
the realtor made a great effort yesterday, he called me about 4 times yesterday, granted he missed me on 3 of them and his phone cut out once and then he had to go on the last one cause a tenant was calling him, but still.... that was a great effort on his part.
i am hoping i get to see him at some point this weekend but i am not holding my breath, i was very lucky to see him last thurs and then monday too.
people from work are supposed to go to the casino on saturday, i signed up but it was before i met the realtor and i really dont even want to go now.
and gene's band is playing saturday at the hazard grill so if i have no date, i will probably head out there, it is a nice place and an early night for me.
so i am off to work, which has been totally hectic for me this week and i see no end in sight....
on my left side, near my shoulder blade.... it kills me to get up and down
or lay down or sit up in bed. does not hurt to move my arm, just stuff that requires
muscles in my back
i have NO idea what happened
around 4 pm yesterday at work it started to hurt
i did my mom's groceries the day before but dont remember hurting it then
i did my groceries last night and probably aggravated it
it hurt to sleep because i flip flop alot in my sleep and every time i did, it killed.
josh got good news that maybe he will be able to use the school cello that way his cello never has to go to school except for the concerts
that means that i wont have to drive and pick up like i had thought i might have to.
if he makes the stage band i will still have to do it on those days but we can deal with that when it comes.
in two weeks the after school orchestra starts but if he uses the school cello, then i just have to see if i can get him to take the late bus
it would be great if i did not have to do so much of the dropping off and picking up... i loose my lunch when i do that
i just remembered i have to pay on his lunch account today too.... argh.... always something
the realtor made a great effort yesterday, he called me about 4 times yesterday, granted he missed me on 3 of them and his phone cut out once and then he had to go on the last one cause a tenant was calling him, but still.... that was a great effort on his part.
i am hoping i get to see him at some point this weekend but i am not holding my breath, i was very lucky to see him last thurs and then monday too.
people from work are supposed to go to the casino on saturday, i signed up but it was before i met the realtor and i really dont even want to go now.
and gene's band is playing saturday at the hazard grill so if i have no date, i will probably head out there, it is a nice place and an early night for me.
so i am off to work, which has been totally hectic for me this week and i see no end in sight....
Thursday, September 4, 2008
i am geared up for a busy day at work
i dont know what is in store for me
but i am prepared for anything
feeling good about the realtor,
even though i had a dropped call last night
and he did not call me back
hope to email today at least
went for beer with patrick, thanks patrick
we texted mike b in Sweden
he is coming to visit next weekend
it will be nice to see him
so the weekend is coming again, i hate the weekends
josh goes to grammy's and i dont get to see the realtor much
so i will have to keep busy again
maybe i will help laurel pack
i dont know what is in store for me
but i am prepared for anything
feeling good about the realtor,
even though i had a dropped call last night
and he did not call me back
hope to email today at least
went for beer with patrick, thanks patrick
we texted mike b in Sweden
he is coming to visit next weekend
it will be nice to see him
so the weekend is coming again, i hate the weekends
josh goes to grammy's and i dont get to see the realtor much
so i will have to keep busy again
maybe i will help laurel pack
end of the day
i am feeling good
emails from the realtor
he had a bad day and i did not get to talk to him
more than 2 minutes cause his phone went dead
cant wait for him to get a new one
wish i could be there for him more often
work is getting crazy for me
every day brings new piles for me
new prospects of things to try to conquer
new problems to solve
i am tired but not
went out with patrick to chilis
need to go to sleep
i am feeling good
emails from the realtor
he had a bad day and i did not get to talk to him
more than 2 minutes cause his phone went dead
cant wait for him to get a new one
wish i could be there for him more often
work is getting crazy for me
every day brings new piles for me
new prospects of things to try to conquer
new problems to solve
i am tired but not
went out with patrick to chilis
need to go to sleep
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
sleepy
i am sleepy as usual this morning
but in a decent mood
i have lots of friends working on me to remember the good stuff
and not to think the worst all the time
what helps the most is remember the last contact i had with him, which is most times really good, so if i just remember that everything is fine and he is just busy and sleepy then i am good.
work is getting hectic, i have lots to do and i have branches to work with and brian told me yesterday that we have to hit the calls hard and if everything else has to go on hold then so be it.
so after today i want to be in a good place so that i can do that with him and then get to work with the branches.
evenings are getting busy and i just want the realtor to know that if he has time for me i will find the time for him.
scouts started and church starts in a week, actually meeting start this week.
so i am off to work, etc etc and i hope that i get to talk to him today....
but in a decent mood
i have lots of friends working on me to remember the good stuff
and not to think the worst all the time
what helps the most is remember the last contact i had with him, which is most times really good, so if i just remember that everything is fine and he is just busy and sleepy then i am good.
work is getting hectic, i have lots to do and i have branches to work with and brian told me yesterday that we have to hit the calls hard and if everything else has to go on hold then so be it.
so after today i want to be in a good place so that i can do that with him and then get to work with the branches.
evenings are getting busy and i just want the realtor to know that if he has time for me i will find the time for him.
scouts started and church starts in a week, actually meeting start this week.
so i am off to work, etc etc and i hope that i get to talk to him today....
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
new day
today
i have to do month end
argh
i hate month end and we have a new billing clerk
i hope it goes smoothly
i have a new feeling on this new day
i am content and i need to find a way to keep that and believe that
everyday
i need to keep my breezy about me
it is so hard to do
i am going to see my counselor next monday
i hope i can gather some thoughts enough to be able to work on this with her
today i have no issues, seems odd after a few days of having nothing but issues
josh stayed home last night and cleaned his room about halfway
he did a great job
he has more to do but i am so proud of him for the work he has done so far
today is the first day the cello goes to school this year, we are letting it sleep there for the week this year because it has to come home every other day and there is no way he will practice it every night so it is going on tues and coming hom thurs ... or monday thru friday.... and he will have to practice on the days it is here.
i am going to go do my hair now.... this calmness in my head is odd.... but i like it.... i wish i had it more often.
oh by the way when i told one of my friends i was in portland last night, their reply was 'oh dear god'
they did not tell me what they meant by that but i wonder how many of the rest of you are thinking the same thing? and why?
hmmmmm
well tough shit if you are.... i am happy
and i got to talk to the realtor about the things that were bothering me, now we can see if he makes a better effort....
i have to do month end
argh
i hate month end and we have a new billing clerk
i hope it goes smoothly
i have a new feeling on this new day
i am content and i need to find a way to keep that and believe that
everyday
i need to keep my breezy about me
it is so hard to do
i am going to see my counselor next monday
i hope i can gather some thoughts enough to be able to work on this with her
today i have no issues, seems odd after a few days of having nothing but issues
josh stayed home last night and cleaned his room about halfway
he did a great job
he has more to do but i am so proud of him for the work he has done so far
today is the first day the cello goes to school this year, we are letting it sleep there for the week this year because it has to come home every other day and there is no way he will practice it every night so it is going on tues and coming hom thurs ... or monday thru friday.... and he will have to practice on the days it is here.
i am going to go do my hair now.... this calmness in my head is odd.... but i like it.... i wish i had it more often.
oh by the way when i told one of my friends i was in portland last night, their reply was 'oh dear god'
they did not tell me what they meant by that but i wonder how many of the rest of you are thinking the same thing? and why?
hmmmmm
well tough shit if you are.... i am happy
and i got to talk to the realtor about the things that were bothering me, now we can see if he makes a better effort....
i am crazy
so the reason i did not write again today (yesterday) was because the realtor called me at 4 and wanted to see me and i just got home
i was able to voice alot of the things that i have been meaning to say
i explained to him what a psycho i am when i dont hear from people i care about... how i immediately think the correct thing, but then my mind starts running and i think if horrible scenarios
it turns out he just went away for the weekend to mass with his daughter and called me when he got back in town
the phone was shut off yesterday because he was taking a day off
i asked him if he screens my calls and he said no
i told him that he really needs to work on calling me back, he said he knows and he was sorry about that
i commented that we never talk for more than 8 minutes and we never finish a conversation
i talked to him about a few other things that have been bugging me
i asked if he is really asleep when i call at 7 or 8 and he said yes, but he wakes up later on, i said call me then, i am up till midnight most nights
i told him that because we cant see each other that much, we really need to use the phone. he agreed
i feel much better because i thought he might have gone away or to the lake to get away, and he was not avoiding me at all
he took me for a ride in his convertible mustang, it is loud and fast and i loved it
he took me to dinner but as usual i was not hungry
and we spent alot of time just being together and talking
oh, and he did forget it was my birthday, he thought it was next week for some reason. he felt horrible when i told him and he said happy birthday about 10 times when we were together today.
i have to work on my breezy
but i also have to trust my gut with this one
it is usually right
i was able to voice alot of the things that i have been meaning to say
i explained to him what a psycho i am when i dont hear from people i care about... how i immediately think the correct thing, but then my mind starts running and i think if horrible scenarios
it turns out he just went away for the weekend to mass with his daughter and called me when he got back in town
the phone was shut off yesterday because he was taking a day off
i asked him if he screens my calls and he said no
i told him that he really needs to work on calling me back, he said he knows and he was sorry about that
i commented that we never talk for more than 8 minutes and we never finish a conversation
i talked to him about a few other things that have been bugging me
i asked if he is really asleep when i call at 7 or 8 and he said yes, but he wakes up later on, i said call me then, i am up till midnight most nights
i told him that because we cant see each other that much, we really need to use the phone. he agreed
i feel much better because i thought he might have gone away or to the lake to get away, and he was not avoiding me at all
he took me for a ride in his convertible mustang, it is loud and fast and i loved it
he took me to dinner but as usual i was not hungry
and we spent alot of time just being together and talking
oh, and he did forget it was my birthday, he thought it was next week for some reason. he felt horrible when i told him and he said happy birthday about 10 times when we were together today.
i have to work on my breezy
but i also have to trust my gut with this one
it is usually right
Monday, September 1, 2008
breezy?? i think not
well my heart has sunk
i hate to write this cause i know i have about 4 people who are reading and following and you are not going to be happy with me but i called again
i was totally prepared, dont get me wrong, like i have said before, he does not know i am crazy, only you guys do.
if i got immediate vm i was just going to hang up
if i got 3 rings and vm i was going to leave a short hey how are you, just me, give me a call , hope you are well
and if he answered, then we would talk
i got 3 rings and vm
i did what i said i was going to do
but now i feel as though my heart has sunk
ok lets say he is a forgetful man and he forgot it was my birthday
whatever
ok lets say he is really really busy and has not had time to call me
whatever
all i know is that i have done all there is to be done
we had a great day the other day and he gave me the impression he was very glad i was in his life
i have no reason to think anything otherwise
he has vm from me and emails ....and that is it
i cant do any more
i have already done too much
i am sad
i hate picnics and i have to go to one in 15 minutes
everyone is going to ask me about the realtor and i have no info and i dont want to talk about any of it
i wish i could just take a pill and go to sleep until tomorrow
i feel like throwing up
i feel like crying
i feel like screaming
i feel like running away
what the fuck!
well to hell with all of this, i am a GREAT person and any man would be lucky to have me in their life
i am me, this is who i am, this is what you get.....
so i am done, he makes the next contact, if he does not want to see me anymore, i can take a freaking hint
and if he is just busy and calls later or tomorrow, i will deal with him then
and if that is the case, i cant even tell you what i will say, i hate doing this stuff on the phone or in emails, it is better in person
i bet his phone died yesterday
he is at the lake today and busy bla bla bla
and either will call later today or email tomorrow am
and think nothing of any of this, cause HE is breezy
not me!
i hate to write this cause i know i have about 4 people who are reading and following and you are not going to be happy with me but i called again
i was totally prepared, dont get me wrong, like i have said before, he does not know i am crazy, only you guys do.
if i got immediate vm i was just going to hang up
if i got 3 rings and vm i was going to leave a short hey how are you, just me, give me a call , hope you are well
and if he answered, then we would talk
i got 3 rings and vm
i did what i said i was going to do
but now i feel as though my heart has sunk
ok lets say he is a forgetful man and he forgot it was my birthday
whatever
ok lets say he is really really busy and has not had time to call me
whatever
all i know is that i have done all there is to be done
we had a great day the other day and he gave me the impression he was very glad i was in his life
i have no reason to think anything otherwise
he has vm from me and emails ....and that is it
i cant do any more
i have already done too much
i am sad
i hate picnics and i have to go to one in 15 minutes
everyone is going to ask me about the realtor and i have no info and i dont want to talk about any of it
i wish i could just take a pill and go to sleep until tomorrow
i feel like throwing up
i feel like crying
i feel like screaming
i feel like running away
what the fuck!
well to hell with all of this, i am a GREAT person and any man would be lucky to have me in their life
i am me, this is who i am, this is what you get.....
so i am done, he makes the next contact, if he does not want to see me anymore, i can take a freaking hint
and if he is just busy and calls later or tomorrow, i will deal with him then
and if that is the case, i cant even tell you what i will say, i hate doing this stuff on the phone or in emails, it is better in person
i bet his phone died yesterday
he is at the lake today and busy bla bla bla
and either will call later today or email tomorrow am
and think nothing of any of this, cause HE is breezy
not me!
worry
i can tell by the looks in my friends eyes when i speak to them that they seem to run out of things to say to me when i vent my feelings to them
i try not to..... mainly because i want reassurance and good stuff and sometimes that is not what they have to say
so i figure i will not bother them with this even though it is killing me inside
i just walked to dd for coffee and low carb bagels then walked back home
then i walked to price chopper for the cake for todays picnic and walked back home with it
then i was going to walk down to the river with my coffee and a water and sit by the river and look for wildlife but i only made it almost to the bottom of the hill before i spilled coffee on my white shirt and had to come back to stain stick it before it set in.
so i decided to write.
on my walks i ran thru all of this in my head about a million times.
i just cant believe that he is avoiding me..... not after the time we have spent recently and our last conversation was a good one as well. he was busy and told me his phone was not working well.... but the call was fine.
i know it went to 3 rings on saturday evening but directly to vm all yesterday
i just refuse to believe that he is avoiding me.... he is a business man and he uses that phone for work all the time. to sell houses and for his tenants..... so to shut it off just to avoid me would be insane.
although i do have a plan that if it does ring today and i dont get a call back i will try him from josh's phone or my home phone to see if he is screening my calls.... but i REALLY hope it does not get to that point.
so i will continue to vent here and hope that by doing so i will work things out for myself.
i can think rationally and i am a smart cookie, i should be able to figure myself out.
i know that right now i am not going to call until noon, and if it goes to vm i probably wont leave a msg. he has two msgs and an email with my phone number if he lost the phone as well as a pic of josh playing at the party and all the info i sent him on new smart phones.
i think one of the things that is bothering me is that it is my birthday and he knows it is because he knows that is what the party was for, and he is not even making an effort to email me a note even if he cant find or use his phone.
but then i think that may be because he is hurt and cannot.
well all i know is i have NO control and it is killing me
i dont want to call and leave vm too many times because i dont want to seem like the crazy person that i really am... only you guys know how crazy i am.... it will take him a while to figure it out....
and i want to give him his space if he needs it
all i am looking for is a call or email to tell me he is fine and everything between us is fine and then i will be much better.... and until i get that i will probably continue to worry and continue to write about it here.
i try not to..... mainly because i want reassurance and good stuff and sometimes that is not what they have to say
so i figure i will not bother them with this even though it is killing me inside
i just walked to dd for coffee and low carb bagels then walked back home
then i walked to price chopper for the cake for todays picnic and walked back home with it
then i was going to walk down to the river with my coffee and a water and sit by the river and look for wildlife but i only made it almost to the bottom of the hill before i spilled coffee on my white shirt and had to come back to stain stick it before it set in.
so i decided to write.
on my walks i ran thru all of this in my head about a million times.
i just cant believe that he is avoiding me..... not after the time we have spent recently and our last conversation was a good one as well. he was busy and told me his phone was not working well.... but the call was fine.
i know it went to 3 rings on saturday evening but directly to vm all yesterday
i just refuse to believe that he is avoiding me.... he is a business man and he uses that phone for work all the time. to sell houses and for his tenants..... so to shut it off just to avoid me would be insane.
although i do have a plan that if it does ring today and i dont get a call back i will try him from josh's phone or my home phone to see if he is screening my calls.... but i REALLY hope it does not get to that point.
so i will continue to vent here and hope that by doing so i will work things out for myself.
i can think rationally and i am a smart cookie, i should be able to figure myself out.
i know that right now i am not going to call until noon, and if it goes to vm i probably wont leave a msg. he has two msgs and an email with my phone number if he lost the phone as well as a pic of josh playing at the party and all the info i sent him on new smart phones.
i think one of the things that is bothering me is that it is my birthday and he knows it is because he knows that is what the party was for, and he is not even making an effort to email me a note even if he cant find or use his phone.
but then i think that may be because he is hurt and cannot.
well all i know is i have NO control and it is killing me
i dont want to call and leave vm too many times because i dont want to seem like the crazy person that i really am... only you guys know how crazy i am.... it will take him a while to figure it out....
and i want to give him his space if he needs it
all i am looking for is a call or email to tell me he is fine and everything between us is fine and then i will be much better.... and until i get that i will probably continue to worry and continue to write about it here.
let go and let god.... again
so there is nothing i can do here
these are my thoughts in no particular order
1) arrested and in jail, i am sure they turn off the phones
2) in hospital, i am sure they turn off the phones too
3) phone on bottom of the lake, very possible
4) shut phone off for the day or weekend to 'get away from it all' and will turn it back on today or tomorrow and get the msgs.... not sure of the possibility of this one
5) phone physically dead and not replaced yet
so anyway, i looked online for channel 3 and the hartford courant to search for his name or any accidents in his area... there was a stabbing in middletown but no names released
no info about dui crackdown or accidents in his area
so my first and foremost thought is that it is lost and not replaced
so if this is the case
i sent a short email this morning saying if he lost his phone then he probably lost my number too and i gave him my number again.
he had to change his phone number a year or so ago because of a crazy person calling him all the time but he has to use that number for work so i cant see him changing it any time soon, unless he had to.
so at this point all i can do is hand this over to god. if it is meant to be, then it will work out.
last resort will be me calling his office tomorrow on a regular work day to see if anyone answers. then i can ask how to get ahold of him.
but that is it.
my thoughts go more toward him being hurt or the phone being lost... cause i have no idea why he would be avoiding me at all., but i am not ruling it out.... stranger things have happened in my life... i am sure more strange things will continue to happen.
today is my birthday, big freaking deal.
i dont even care anymore.
one year older, another year in debt, another year of struggling with being a single mother, another year of not having anyone special with me on my birthday, another year of sadness in my heart for things that i have lost along the way, another year of trying to be happy with what god has given me, another year of keeping it together.....
my birthday wishes this year include
getting along with my son
being able to continue to provide for him
not getting too stressed out with scouts and church and school and work and trying to have a social life
hoping that the realtor is ok and that we are still together for a long time
i am sad and worried at the same time
i am sad if he is avoiding me
i am worried that there is something wrong and i cant help or do anything about it
i hate being in limbo like this
i need to know either way.
if he does not want to see me anymore, just tell me and be done with it. i would be totally sad but i am not a freak about it, i would just leave him alone.
i have certainly learned from this online thing that sometimes people just dont click and if he does not want to see me anymore, just tell me and i will go away.
i just dont seem to really believe that, or i dont want to believe that is the reason for his phone being off.
i am going with lost/dead phone or in hospital
either way, i have no recourse, i have no way of finding out until he or someone calls me.
i think i will go lay down again for a while.
these are my thoughts in no particular order
1) arrested and in jail, i am sure they turn off the phones
2) in hospital, i am sure they turn off the phones too
3) phone on bottom of the lake, very possible
4) shut phone off for the day or weekend to 'get away from it all' and will turn it back on today or tomorrow and get the msgs.... not sure of the possibility of this one
5) phone physically dead and not replaced yet
so anyway, i looked online for channel 3 and the hartford courant to search for his name or any accidents in his area... there was a stabbing in middletown but no names released
no info about dui crackdown or accidents in his area
so my first and foremost thought is that it is lost and not replaced
so if this is the case
i sent a short email this morning saying if he lost his phone then he probably lost my number too and i gave him my number again.
he had to change his phone number a year or so ago because of a crazy person calling him all the time but he has to use that number for work so i cant see him changing it any time soon, unless he had to.
so at this point all i can do is hand this over to god. if it is meant to be, then it will work out.
last resort will be me calling his office tomorrow on a regular work day to see if anyone answers. then i can ask how to get ahold of him.
but that is it.
my thoughts go more toward him being hurt or the phone being lost... cause i have no idea why he would be avoiding me at all., but i am not ruling it out.... stranger things have happened in my life... i am sure more strange things will continue to happen.
today is my birthday, big freaking deal.
i dont even care anymore.
one year older, another year in debt, another year of struggling with being a single mother, another year of not having anyone special with me on my birthday, another year of sadness in my heart for things that i have lost along the way, another year of trying to be happy with what god has given me, another year of keeping it together.....
my birthday wishes this year include
getting along with my son
being able to continue to provide for him
not getting too stressed out with scouts and church and school and work and trying to have a social life
hoping that the realtor is ok and that we are still together for a long time
i am sad and worried at the same time
i am sad if he is avoiding me
i am worried that there is something wrong and i cant help or do anything about it
i hate being in limbo like this
i need to know either way.
if he does not want to see me anymore, just tell me and be done with it. i would be totally sad but i am not a freak about it, i would just leave him alone.
i have certainly learned from this online thing that sometimes people just dont click and if he does not want to see me anymore, just tell me and i will go away.
i just dont seem to really believe that, or i dont want to believe that is the reason for his phone being off.
i am going with lost/dead phone or in hospital
either way, i have no recourse, i have no way of finding out until he or someone calls me.
i think i will go lay down again for a while.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)