let go and let god.... again

so there is nothing i can do here
these are my thoughts in no particular order
1) arrested and in jail, i am sure they turn off the phones
2) in hospital, i am sure they turn off the phones too
3) phone on bottom of the lake, very possible
4) shut phone off for the day or weekend to 'get away from it all' and will turn it back on today or tomorrow and get the msgs.... not sure of the possibility of this one
5) phone physically dead and not replaced yet

so anyway, i looked online for channel 3 and the hartford courant to search for his name or any accidents in his area... there was a stabbing in middletown but no names released
no info about dui crackdown or accidents in his area

so my first and foremost thought is that it is lost and not replaced
so if this is the case
i sent a short email this morning saying if he lost his phone then he probably lost my number too and i gave him my number again.

he had to change his phone number a year or so ago because of a crazy person calling him all the time but he has to use that number for work so i cant see him changing it any time soon, unless he had to.
so at this point all i can do is hand this over to god. if it is meant to be, then it will work out.
last resort will be me calling his office tomorrow on a regular work day to see if anyone answers. then i can ask how to get ahold of him.
but that is it.
my thoughts go more toward him being hurt or the phone being lost... cause i have no idea why he would be avoiding me at all., but i am not ruling it out.... stranger things have happened in my life... i am sure more strange things will continue to happen.

today is my birthday, big freaking deal.
i dont even care anymore.
one year older, another year in debt, another year of struggling with being a single mother, another year of not having anyone special with me on my birthday, another year of sadness in my heart for things that i have lost along the way, another year of trying to be happy with what god has given me, another year of keeping it together.....

my birthday wishes this year include
getting along with my son
being able to continue to provide for him
not getting too stressed out with scouts and church and school and work and trying to have a social life
hoping that the realtor is ok and that we are still together for a long time

i am sad and worried at the same time
i am sad if he is avoiding me
i am worried that there is something wrong and i cant help or do anything about it
i hate being in limbo like this
i need to know either way.
if he does not want to see me anymore, just tell me and be done with it. i would be totally sad but i am not a freak about it, i would just leave him alone.
i have certainly learned from this online thing that sometimes people just dont click and if he does not want to see me anymore, just tell me and i will go away.
i just dont seem to really believe that, or i dont want to believe that is the reason for his phone being off.
i am going with lost/dead phone or in hospital
either way, i have no recourse, i have no way of finding out until he or someone calls me.

i think i will go lay down again for a while.