worry

i can tell by the looks in my friends eyes when i speak to them that they seem to run out of things to say to me when i vent my feelings to them
i try not to..... mainly because i want reassurance and good stuff and sometimes that is not what they have to say
so i figure i will not bother them with this even though it is killing me inside

i just walked to dd for coffee and low carb bagels then walked back home
then i walked to price chopper for the cake for todays picnic and walked back home with it
then i was going to walk down to the river with my coffee and a water and sit by the river and look for wildlife but i only made it almost to the bottom of the hill before i spilled coffee on my white shirt and had to come back to stain stick it before it set in.
so i decided to write.

on my walks i ran thru all of this in my head about a million times.
i just cant believe that he is avoiding me..... not after the time we have spent recently and our last conversation was a good one as well. he was busy and told me his phone was not working well.... but the call was fine.
i know it went to 3 rings on saturday evening but directly to vm all yesterday

i just refuse to believe that he is avoiding me.... he is a business man and he uses that phone for work all the time. to sell houses and for his tenants..... so to shut it off just to avoid me would be insane.

although i do have a plan that if it does ring today and i dont get a call back i will try him from josh's phone or my home phone to see if he is screening my calls.... but i REALLY hope it does not get to that point.

so i will continue to vent here and hope that by doing so i will work things out for myself.
i can think rationally and i am a smart cookie, i should be able to figure myself out.

i know that right now i am not going to call until noon, and if it goes to vm i probably wont leave a msg. he has two msgs and an email with my phone number if he lost the phone as well as a pic of josh playing at the party and all the info i sent him on new smart phones.

i think one of the things that is bothering me is that it is my birthday and he knows it is because he knows that is what the party was for, and he is not even making an effort to email me a note even if he cant find or use his phone.
but then i think that may be because he is hurt and cannot.

well all i know is i have NO control and it is killing me
i dont want to call and leave vm too many times because i dont want to seem like the crazy person that i really am... only you guys know how crazy i am.... it will take him a while to figure it out....
and i want to give him his space if he needs it
all i am looking for is a call or email to tell me he is fine and everything between us is fine and then i will be much better.... and until i get that i will probably continue to worry and continue to write about it here.