well the last two days have been very odd for me.
i have been talking to two men that i have met online. both are extremely nice and possibilities for the future.
i have also emailed a few dawgs, definite dawgs.
some people are so shy even in email form, it is crazy.
and some are totally only out for sex, you can tell immediately.
if i a guy starts talking a bit too racy for someone i just 'met' and i ask them to tone it down... if they do.... they are worth still talking to... if they dont.... you know what they are after.
i told my friend today that it was like juggling..... LOOK AT ME, I'M JUGGLING!!
and it is very odd for me. i know people do it all the time, date more than one person casually.... i have never done that. every person i ever dated in my whole life was the only person i dated at that time. we dated until we broke up and then i would move on to the next person eventually.
i find this hard to wrap my head around.... but it is a necessary part of this process. they are both very nice and seem to be interested in me. but i have not met either in person yet. by the end of the weekend i hope to have met them both and then i can see if there is any chemistry at all with either of them. what will be weird for me is if there is chemistry with both.... then i will just have to date them both for a while to see which person is right for me..... another process that is foreign to me totally.
this is making me really look at myself as a person, it is a growing experience for me.
i am glad i am constantly growing as a person.
today i thank my ex for many things....
for letting me set the bar for myself so high, to compare to the fantastic relationship we experienced for several months
for giving me the copy of the pink cd 'i'm not dead', i love that cd and i would have never even bought it for myself.... i listen to it all the time and it has gotten me thru many times (good and bad) lately.
and for letting me go
so i can fly
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
odd
what the hell am i doing?
this whole online thing is so foreign to me.
i just dont get it. you could spend all this time 'talking to someone' and then they have no chemistry with you.
you can maybe miss someone great because of a bad pic
i dont know anyone that this worked for, so i am really leery of it all.
3 months, that is all i am going to put into this.... and right now 3 months seems like eternity!
this whole online thing is so foreign to me.
i just dont get it. you could spend all this time 'talking to someone' and then they have no chemistry with you.
you can maybe miss someone great because of a bad pic
i dont know anyone that this worked for, so i am really leery of it all.
3 months, that is all i am going to put into this.... and right now 3 months seems like eternity!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
scary
yes i am doing the online dating thing and it is still scary. these people come out of nowhere and want to talk to me just based on a pic and a mere few lines i have written. nothing like what i write here, dumping my soul to you all.
just a few glib lines and they contact me.
i can only think that they all are letches and only want one thing... because naturally i do not think that anyone would want me for me, only for the physical.
it is sad that i dont think more of myself.
i am talking to a few people online and it is weird because i dont know how it is supposed to work, i dont know what i am supposed to say or do.
it is too hard to make a connection with just type.
it remains to be seen how this will all turn out but i can say that i am not thinking of freakin what's his name and i am not crying anymore.
i am feeling more feisty and alive than i have in weeks.
these are good things.
my head hurts and i would love to go to bed but i ate a cupcake at my friend jean's house for her birthday and i feel the need to work it off somehow.
i guess the treadmill and i have a date tonight.
just a few glib lines and they contact me.
i can only think that they all are letches and only want one thing... because naturally i do not think that anyone would want me for me, only for the physical.
it is sad that i dont think more of myself.
i am talking to a few people online and it is weird because i dont know how it is supposed to work, i dont know what i am supposed to say or do.
it is too hard to make a connection with just type.
it remains to be seen how this will all turn out but i can say that i am not thinking of freakin what's his name and i am not crying anymore.
i am feeling more feisty and alive than i have in weeks.
these are good things.
my head hurts and i would love to go to bed but i ate a cupcake at my friend jean's house for her birthday and i feel the need to work it off somehow.
i guess the treadmill and i have a date tonight.
Monday, April 28, 2008
brave new world
so i put myself on yahoo personals and match.com for 3 months each. i hope it is not a mistake. it is all so weird still and it still kind of makes me want to throw up.
who are these people and why are they looking online?
are they creeps?
are they desperate?
are they players just looking to hook up with a ton of women?
am i desperate?
am i a loser because no one i know is interested in me without being on a dating service?
is this my future? i hope not
i will do it for 3 months and see where it takes me
i dont have to talk to anyone i dont want to talk to ...and i certainly dont have to meet anyone i dont want to meet
again, the feeling of vomit overwhelms me now
my head still reels at the though of having what i thought was the best relationship in my life and then it disappeared like so much smoke, right into thin air.
sometimes i think of when we met and all the connections we had and how great it all was, then i think how it is now and we dont even speak anymore.
it is sad
it makes a girl think.... why bother at all? why put myself out there only to be crushed again?
no one likes to get crushed.....
i dont cry much anymore at all, it is all kind of numb at this point, and i get angry.
angry that i have to do this again.
i have to go into this with no expectations at all, like i did when i met my ex. i did not think anything would come of that at all. i went into it confident and sure of myself and who i was.... i have to look at this process the same way.
do most people have to pep talk themselves on a blog in order to online date?
probably not.
we have already determined that i am not 'most people' though, haven't we? :)
so i got a few emails from a few guys that were not horrible, and i emailed them back.
i also daringly initiated emails with a couple guys as well..... that almost killed me.
the thought of rejection..... i have never dealt well with that. and there is a STRONG possibility that i will get rejected in this process..... ALOT!
say a silent prayer for me that i get some sleep, restful sleep this time, and that tomorrow work in my cluttered office with fresh paint and no carpets will go more smoothly than it did today.
who are these people and why are they looking online?
are they creeps?
are they desperate?
are they players just looking to hook up with a ton of women?
am i desperate?
am i a loser because no one i know is interested in me without being on a dating service?
is this my future? i hope not
i will do it for 3 months and see where it takes me
i dont have to talk to anyone i dont want to talk to ...and i certainly dont have to meet anyone i dont want to meet
again, the feeling of vomit overwhelms me now
my head still reels at the though of having what i thought was the best relationship in my life and then it disappeared like so much smoke, right into thin air.
sometimes i think of when we met and all the connections we had and how great it all was, then i think how it is now and we dont even speak anymore.
it is sad
it makes a girl think.... why bother at all? why put myself out there only to be crushed again?
no one likes to get crushed.....
i dont cry much anymore at all, it is all kind of numb at this point, and i get angry.
angry that i have to do this again.
i have to go into this with no expectations at all, like i did when i met my ex. i did not think anything would come of that at all. i went into it confident and sure of myself and who i was.... i have to look at this process the same way.
do most people have to pep talk themselves on a blog in order to online date?
probably not.
we have already determined that i am not 'most people' though, haven't we? :)
so i got a few emails from a few guys that were not horrible, and i emailed them back.
i also daringly initiated emails with a couple guys as well..... that almost killed me.
the thought of rejection..... i have never dealt well with that. and there is a STRONG possibility that i will get rejected in this process..... ALOT!
say a silent prayer for me that i get some sleep, restful sleep this time, and that tomorrow work in my cluttered office with fresh paint and no carpets will go more smoothly than it did today.
back to life, back to reality
i am almost ready to go to work, looking forward to seeing familiar faces. looking forward to being busy. i had a restless sleep again. evil dreams of conflict and confusion.... i hate that.
this is something i wrote when i first got to the cape last week.....
if i squint my eyes
it looks like a thousand stars
twinkling
the constant swish of the waves
calms me
i notice it now but
in a few days i wont even hear it
i will be accustomed to the peace
------------------
here's to a day filled with good decisions, laughter, and work accomplished.
this is something i wrote when i first got to the cape last week.....
if i squint my eyes
it looks like a thousand stars
twinkling
the constant swish of the waves
calms me
i notice it now but
in a few days i wont even hear it
i will be accustomed to the peace
------------------
here's to a day filled with good decisions, laughter, and work accomplished.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
nausia
ok, i think i am going to throw up now.
i just put up an ad on yahoo personals.
i can feel the bile creeping up. i NEVER thought i would stoop to this level.
although the whole world does it now....
why do all the guys on the sites look like creeps to me? why do i feel like a failure because i cant find someone without the help of a freaking computer.
why did my last relationship have to be so freaking good and then NOT LAST!
damn him.... damn my ex for treating me like a queen and then ending it.
i am not going to contact anyone on these sites, i am going to see who contacts me.
it all scares me too freaking much.
the sad part is i think i am a pretty good catch, i think i am a great person and i do give everything i have to a relationship, it seems so odd that i cant 'find' a good match on my own.
why are the good ones all married, taken, or gay?
all that is left are the dawgs and the ones i am not attracted to ....
it is like leaping into the unknown... not a feeling i like too much.
tomorrow i am back to work, back to the daily grind.
maybe i will be so busy i wont have to worry about being dateless.... significant other less.....
i guess the basic need to be loved, held, cared for, adored..... those basic needs that i have are left open and for me it is like an open wound.
i just put up an ad on yahoo personals.
i can feel the bile creeping up. i NEVER thought i would stoop to this level.
although the whole world does it now....
why do all the guys on the sites look like creeps to me? why do i feel like a failure because i cant find someone without the help of a freaking computer.
why did my last relationship have to be so freaking good and then NOT LAST!
damn him.... damn my ex for treating me like a queen and then ending it.
i am not going to contact anyone on these sites, i am going to see who contacts me.
it all scares me too freaking much.
the sad part is i think i am a pretty good catch, i think i am a great person and i do give everything i have to a relationship, it seems so odd that i cant 'find' a good match on my own.
why are the good ones all married, taken, or gay?
all that is left are the dawgs and the ones i am not attracted to ....
it is like leaping into the unknown... not a feeling i like too much.
tomorrow i am back to work, back to the daily grind.
maybe i will be so busy i wont have to worry about being dateless.... significant other less.....
i guess the basic need to be loved, held, cared for, adored..... those basic needs that i have are left open and for me it is like an open wound.
reflection
so last night confirmed my fear and loathing of bars. after a roller coaster of a week, ending up on top, i decided since i have no date and i have no friends who were around and available last night that i would look up a local club, the hungry tiger, to see who was playing. because the guitar player was someone who went to my high school i figured this was a sign that i should dare to go alone. i was pretty much assured of their music by looking at their myspace page and i was assured of the age group of the attendees because when the band is my age and they play 70's and 80's rock it is a pretty good bet i will not be in a room filled with 20-somethings.
so i headed out.
on my own.
put on makeup and combed my hair even! i decided to wear my beautiful tiffany bracelet that my ex gave me because i have a slight tan and it looks pretty. this is the first time since he dumped me that i was able to put it on and leave it on. i wore it because it was a pretty bracelet, not because it stood for his love for me that i used to have ... but no longer have in my life.
it was weird to be out alone and i knew NO ONE in the bar. i got there just as they were finishing their first set so i went outside rather than mill around and not talk to anyone. i called two of my friends and then someone i knew was walking in. he basically gave me a hug hello and said about two sentences and then went to be with the people he knew. but it was nice to see a familiar face even for a few minutes.
i stayed for the next set and left when it was over. i left at midnight, not buzzed at all from my two beers and not tired.
oh well, it was a busted trip that wasted $20 that i really did not have to waste.... but i did it anyway to get out there, rather than stay home alone. i needed to do it, it was part of me coming out of my cocoon and starting to turn back into the butterfly that i need to be to live my life freely and happily.
so now i start to think of how i will get out there and not be around drunk people who are not interested in even looking at me. i am going to talk to my priest to see if i can represent the church at the chamber of commerce meetings, that would be a good social group of responsible adults. and i will look into the online dating thing again too.... it just scares me a bit, and it is costly.
i hate that i have to try so hard. i hate that i had something so wonderful without even trying and now it is gone. i hate that he did not call me back, but i need to be a bit angry about it all. i hate that my old happiness was SO HAPPY and now i have to TRY to be happy.
i hate being lonely.
and i am lonely.
not just alone.
i am much better at hearing the songs that meant something to me.... even 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me'..... i still cried but i turned it around in my head and sang it to my son, because he is the best thing that ever happened to me. i would not be much of anything if i were not josh's mom. that is my lot in life and i think i do it well..... so far.
so today, i will look into the chamber of commerce and i will look into match.com and try not to be scared. i will work on a scholarship for josh that is due in just a few days. and i will smile and be happy i am alive.... because really that is what it comes down to.
breathing or not breathing.
i choose breathing today!
so i headed out.
on my own.
put on makeup and combed my hair even! i decided to wear my beautiful tiffany bracelet that my ex gave me because i have a slight tan and it looks pretty. this is the first time since he dumped me that i was able to put it on and leave it on. i wore it because it was a pretty bracelet, not because it stood for his love for me that i used to have ... but no longer have in my life.
it was weird to be out alone and i knew NO ONE in the bar. i got there just as they were finishing their first set so i went outside rather than mill around and not talk to anyone. i called two of my friends and then someone i knew was walking in. he basically gave me a hug hello and said about two sentences and then went to be with the people he knew. but it was nice to see a familiar face even for a few minutes.
i stayed for the next set and left when it was over. i left at midnight, not buzzed at all from my two beers and not tired.
oh well, it was a busted trip that wasted $20 that i really did not have to waste.... but i did it anyway to get out there, rather than stay home alone. i needed to do it, it was part of me coming out of my cocoon and starting to turn back into the butterfly that i need to be to live my life freely and happily.
so now i start to think of how i will get out there and not be around drunk people who are not interested in even looking at me. i am going to talk to my priest to see if i can represent the church at the chamber of commerce meetings, that would be a good social group of responsible adults. and i will look into the online dating thing again too.... it just scares me a bit, and it is costly.
i hate that i have to try so hard. i hate that i had something so wonderful without even trying and now it is gone. i hate that he did not call me back, but i need to be a bit angry about it all. i hate that my old happiness was SO HAPPY and now i have to TRY to be happy.
i hate being lonely.
and i am lonely.
not just alone.
i am much better at hearing the songs that meant something to me.... even 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me'..... i still cried but i turned it around in my head and sang it to my son, because he is the best thing that ever happened to me. i would not be much of anything if i were not josh's mom. that is my lot in life and i think i do it well..... so far.
so today, i will look into the chamber of commerce and i will look into match.com and try not to be scared. i will work on a scholarship for josh that is due in just a few days. and i will smile and be happy i am alive.... because really that is what it comes down to.
breathing or not breathing.
i choose breathing today!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
quickie
hey i am back! i missed my computer and i missed venting on my blog. sad but true, i needed to vent. i did some writing with an actual pencil and paper... i hate writing that way.... will translate some of it later.
suffice to say, it was yet another roller coaster of a week.... but i saw some friends, ate ALOT of carbs, read alot, watched the waves alot, go some sun and in the end the roller coaster is back on the upswing.
i did call my ex... i know, i know, you can yell at me if you want.... but i had to do it.
i missed him so much and i just wanted to tell him i was thinking of him and hoped he was doing ok... BUT i got his voicemail.. i left a message but no return call yet... that was two days ago.
well, actually about 30 minutes after i called i went to herring cove beach which has NO cell coverage at all so if he did call and did not leave a message i have no record of it. but my money is on .... no call.
but honestly i feel much better since i called and now the ball really is in his court and i am sure he is taking his ball and going home at this point... and i need to move on.
before i went away i partially signed up for match.com and eharmony.com and when i got back there are like 10 matches from eharmony.com..... i was a BIT overwhelmed.... i dont even have a pic up there yet, why would they be interested in a few words.....
i have not signed up yet because it is a good chunk of change and i am not ready for that commitment yet..... i am not ready to be committed to eharmony.com HA! funny!
will write again later.... as i have tons in my head that i need to get out.
suffice to say, it was yet another roller coaster of a week.... but i saw some friends, ate ALOT of carbs, read alot, watched the waves alot, go some sun and in the end the roller coaster is back on the upswing.
i did call my ex... i know, i know, you can yell at me if you want.... but i had to do it.
i missed him so much and i just wanted to tell him i was thinking of him and hoped he was doing ok... BUT i got his voicemail.. i left a message but no return call yet... that was two days ago.
well, actually about 30 minutes after i called i went to herring cove beach which has NO cell coverage at all so if he did call and did not leave a message i have no record of it. but my money is on .... no call.
but honestly i feel much better since i called and now the ball really is in his court and i am sure he is taking his ball and going home at this point... and i need to move on.
before i went away i partially signed up for match.com and eharmony.com and when i got back there are like 10 matches from eharmony.com..... i was a BIT overwhelmed.... i dont even have a pic up there yet, why would they be interested in a few words.....
i have not signed up yet because it is a good chunk of change and i am not ready for that commitment yet..... i am not ready to be committed to eharmony.com HA! funny!
will write again later.... as i have tons in my head that i need to get out.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
retreat
in just a few hours i will be looking at the real thing in that picture at the top of this blog, and i cant wait.
it is refreshing, it is renewing, i have a completely ex-free retreat ahead of me. my only enemy will be my own head.
i was woke this morning by a friend from work asking for a treat of bacon... so i will oblige shortly. i am finishing up packing and will bring the dog to the vet and drain my bank account within the hour.
we will pack the car and head east on this beautiful sunny day.
my heart is light and i hope to keep it that way all week.
wish me luck to forget
wish me luck to heal
a neighbors chimes are ringing outside my window while i type this
and i am pleased with my choice to go early.
my goals..... to read, relax, get some sun, eat spectacular food, sleep, enjoy my son, and renew myself.
as scott used to sing....
we're going to the cape, we're gonna have fun!
peace to you all over the next few days.
it is refreshing, it is renewing, i have a completely ex-free retreat ahead of me. my only enemy will be my own head.
i was woke this morning by a friend from work asking for a treat of bacon... so i will oblige shortly. i am finishing up packing and will bring the dog to the vet and drain my bank account within the hour.
we will pack the car and head east on this beautiful sunny day.
my heart is light and i hope to keep it that way all week.
wish me luck to forget
wish me luck to heal
a neighbors chimes are ringing outside my window while i type this
and i am pleased with my choice to go early.
my goals..... to read, relax, get some sun, eat spectacular food, sleep, enjoy my son, and renew myself.
as scott used to sing....
we're going to the cape, we're gonna have fun!
peace to you all over the next few days.
Monday, April 21, 2008
haunted
i dont know what i want to write today because i dont know how i am feeling.
i spent a day with my heart in my throat.
i spent a day reminding myself that it is over.
i spent a day feeling as though i wanted to throw up.
i spent a day not crying at all.... but still feeling somber and lonely and exhausted.
i decided today to leave one day early for the cape, so we will leave tomorrow instead of wednesday. my choice comes from the fact that nothing up there will be a memory of my ex ... because we never went to the cape together, we only spoke of it.
all my memories will be of my son and my friend jean and my ex husband scott. if i stay here... the longer i stay here.... i just cant get out of this funk.
i am hoping that after a few days of being somewhere that i love so much and i have no memories of my ex unless a song comes on the radio here and there, after these few days i have such hope that i can really heal my heart and really move on.
i still miss his friendship and want to tell him everyday.
but i still keep reminding myself two things
1) he broke up with me and he said 'i'll call you sometime' and i have to leave it in his court at least for now
2) he really does need this time, if he meant what he said when he broke up with me, my feelings for him run so deep that i have to respect that and give him the time, lots of time.
so i dont call.
oh and 3) i fear the reaction i would get if i did call, because it is pretty much 90/10 that i would not get the warm reaction i dream of each day, it would probably be cold and rushed, not enough time has gone by to warrant kind and warm..... it is all still too new. after enough time.... even i would not care if his reaction was kind and warm or not because i would be ok with my surroundings at that point. after enough time, i probably wont even want to call anymore.
i know i need to be ok with me, and i am really. i can do anything i set my mind to.
i can do anything.
it is just the sadness, the death of this relationship that haunts me. that is exactly how i feel .... haunted by it.
it is no longer there and alive in my life, it has died.
all that is left behind is the residual haunting, going thru the motions in my head day after day.
on some positive notes.... i gave a friend a tour of my town today and it was fun to tell all i knew about the good spots and the bad spots in town.... tell some stories.... feel useful.
i am almost done packing and the weather is supposed to be great at the cape so i cant wait to sit on that deck and read in the sun. that thought always makes my heart light.
this vacation is going to cost me probably my very last penny of savings but it is much needed and i cant wait to get there.
i have some good books to read, thanks to my friends, and lots of magazines to catch up on. i enjoy it up there so much, and i need this time.
i cant wait for the day when i dont think of my ex at all, instead of thinking of him 200 times a day..... well not that much but probably..... 15 times a day.
i cant wait for the day when i am no longer kicking myself for something i had no control over.
so tomorrow i finish packing, divide up my pennies so i can last the week up there, drop off the dog at the vets, say goodbye to mom and hop in the car and go.
tonight i will crawl into bed with my ghosts in my head and close my eyes and try to swipe them away with my dreams.
i spent a day with my heart in my throat.
i spent a day reminding myself that it is over.
i spent a day feeling as though i wanted to throw up.
i spent a day not crying at all.... but still feeling somber and lonely and exhausted.
i decided today to leave one day early for the cape, so we will leave tomorrow instead of wednesday. my choice comes from the fact that nothing up there will be a memory of my ex ... because we never went to the cape together, we only spoke of it.
all my memories will be of my son and my friend jean and my ex husband scott. if i stay here... the longer i stay here.... i just cant get out of this funk.
i am hoping that after a few days of being somewhere that i love so much and i have no memories of my ex unless a song comes on the radio here and there, after these few days i have such hope that i can really heal my heart and really move on.
i still miss his friendship and want to tell him everyday.
but i still keep reminding myself two things
1) he broke up with me and he said 'i'll call you sometime' and i have to leave it in his court at least for now
2) he really does need this time, if he meant what he said when he broke up with me, my feelings for him run so deep that i have to respect that and give him the time, lots of time.
so i dont call.
oh and 3) i fear the reaction i would get if i did call, because it is pretty much 90/10 that i would not get the warm reaction i dream of each day, it would probably be cold and rushed, not enough time has gone by to warrant kind and warm..... it is all still too new. after enough time.... even i would not care if his reaction was kind and warm or not because i would be ok with my surroundings at that point. after enough time, i probably wont even want to call anymore.
i know i need to be ok with me, and i am really. i can do anything i set my mind to.
i can do anything.
it is just the sadness, the death of this relationship that haunts me. that is exactly how i feel .... haunted by it.
it is no longer there and alive in my life, it has died.
all that is left behind is the residual haunting, going thru the motions in my head day after day.
on some positive notes.... i gave a friend a tour of my town today and it was fun to tell all i knew about the good spots and the bad spots in town.... tell some stories.... feel useful.
i am almost done packing and the weather is supposed to be great at the cape so i cant wait to sit on that deck and read in the sun. that thought always makes my heart light.
this vacation is going to cost me probably my very last penny of savings but it is much needed and i cant wait to get there.
i have some good books to read, thanks to my friends, and lots of magazines to catch up on. i enjoy it up there so much, and i need this time.
i cant wait for the day when i dont think of my ex at all, instead of thinking of him 200 times a day..... well not that much but probably..... 15 times a day.
i cant wait for the day when i am no longer kicking myself for something i had no control over.
so tomorrow i finish packing, divide up my pennies so i can last the week up there, drop off the dog at the vets, say goodbye to mom and hop in the car and go.
tonight i will crawl into bed with my ghosts in my head and close my eyes and try to swipe them away with my dreams.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
damn
i did great all day long, and i am talking ALL DAY LONG. every time i thought of a memory or something that would make me sad or want to call him i told myself "MEMORY" and i looked in another direction immediately and changed the 'subject of my mind'.
it worked all day long..... until.....
i heard the first 4 notes of 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me' by gladys knight on the radio. i immediately shut it off and BURST into tears. and i am talking BURST.
damn.
so close, so good, so almost home free, so .... damn
i know i was never dumped like this before by someone who i loved this much. in fact i usually did the dumping.
i am a smart woman, a strong woman.... why did this wreck me so deeply.
uh, probably because the relationship was fantastic and i thought he was 'the one' and he thought the same of me..... that might be why i am wrecked
i am a very emotional person, especially these days..... this is going to take me so long to get completely over. i still want to call him or text him.... knowing full well that he might not take the call or ignore the text, i might get an answer to my question of ' how are you doing' as 'great, i found someone knew'
the answers i want to hear will never come. he has eliminated me from his life completely.
it makes a girl think.... why bother.
why bother doing all this, getting to know someone, giving them your heart and soul... for what? so they can trample all over your heart till it is nothing but a bloody mess on the floor where they left it?
so they can get what they need from me and then toss me aside?
why bother dating?
when i had something so right that ended up to be so wrong... it makes you wonder.... what else is out there for me? anything? nothing?
it is like outer space.... you just dont know what is out there waiting for you.... there could be someone just as wonderful who wants to be committed to me out there waiting to meet me.... but right now i am too afraid to step out the door ... never mind go into outer space where this guy is hanging out.
well ... where ever you are 'mr right' .... who ever you turn out to be.... the bar was set pretty freaking high recently and you will have to be pretty freaking good if you want to have my heart.
at least this i am SURE of.
it worked all day long..... until.....
i heard the first 4 notes of 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me' by gladys knight on the radio. i immediately shut it off and BURST into tears. and i am talking BURST.
damn.
so close, so good, so almost home free, so .... damn
i know i was never dumped like this before by someone who i loved this much. in fact i usually did the dumping.
i am a smart woman, a strong woman.... why did this wreck me so deeply.
uh, probably because the relationship was fantastic and i thought he was 'the one' and he thought the same of me..... that might be why i am wrecked
i am a very emotional person, especially these days..... this is going to take me so long to get completely over. i still want to call him or text him.... knowing full well that he might not take the call or ignore the text, i might get an answer to my question of ' how are you doing' as 'great, i found someone knew'
the answers i want to hear will never come. he has eliminated me from his life completely.
it makes a girl think.... why bother.
why bother doing all this, getting to know someone, giving them your heart and soul... for what? so they can trample all over your heart till it is nothing but a bloody mess on the floor where they left it?
so they can get what they need from me and then toss me aside?
why bother dating?
when i had something so right that ended up to be so wrong... it makes you wonder.... what else is out there for me? anything? nothing?
it is like outer space.... you just dont know what is out there waiting for you.... there could be someone just as wonderful who wants to be committed to me out there waiting to meet me.... but right now i am too afraid to step out the door ... never mind go into outer space where this guy is hanging out.
well ... where ever you are 'mr right' .... who ever you turn out to be.... the bar was set pretty freaking high recently and you will have to be pretty freaking good if you want to have my heart.
at least this i am SURE of.
out with the blue, in with the pink
breathe.... just breathe....
so i made josh go to church the last two weeks to make this banner that all the junior youth group is supposed to walk into church with today , since the new bishop is visiting, and i wanted to make sure he finished his banner and i am laying in bed today thinking..... oh crap... he is camping still, he wont be at church at all today! and neither one of us ever picked up on it at all..... this is a sign of a TOO BUSY FAMILY!
we really have too much going on. i work a very long day of 7:30am to 5:00pm. he has school, and lots of homework, does really well and gets honors, wish he got high honors but still..... plus he has two instruments cello and bass, he is in strings and orchestra at school with his cello and right now only plays and takes private lessons with the electric bass. he takes private lessons with his cello too. he is in boy scouts so he has every tuesday evening committed and one weekend a month for camping. plus he is a den chief for a cub den so he has every friday evening committed. we also attend church very regularly so every sunday is committed from 9:30-12:00. we both see counselors.... thank god for them both! he has braces and is supposed to wear his elastics and night gear every day.... good luck with that buddy. i make and try to sell jewelry so i have to keep up on making product and booking shows or home parties.... good luck to me with that!
i try to have time to exercise (mainly walking around the complex or on the treadmill in my room) which does not happen as often as i would like. i try to read.... even just magazines.... and that does not happen as often as i would like either. we both have friends we try to talk to and see. and then there is all the housework that needs to be kept up on and the million year old dog we have to take care of. oh, plus there is my mom, who i keep up on her doctor appointments and her medications and i fill her pill box every friday night and i do her grocery shopping because she is supposed to be on a low sodium diet and if she does her own shopping she cant be trusted. lets see, am i forgetting anything.... i am sure i am.
we are TOO BUSY. but that is the way we roll...... that is the way it has always been.
who has time for a boyfriend! HA!
it seems that i could not possibly have time to have a boyfriend and pay enough attention to him... but i did and i did it just fine.... ask him, he would tell you, well ....if we were speaking.
so today every time i think about him i have to stop myself IMMEDIATELY cause i will NOT go thru another day like yesterday.
i AM fine and i DONT need anyone right now
he IS gone and WILL NOT be back
it IS OVER and no matter how much i miss him and think about him it WILL NOT bring it all back
it ended for a REASON and that reason SAVED ME from more heartache than i am already experiencing now
the memories are good ones but that is all they are ... MEMORIES
i am a STRONG CONFIDENT woman and i DONT NEED a man right now, i dont need a man EVER
i do LOVE myself and i LOVE my son and that is enough for me right now...
it is MORE THAN ENOUGH for me right now.
so i made josh go to church the last two weeks to make this banner that all the junior youth group is supposed to walk into church with today , since the new bishop is visiting, and i wanted to make sure he finished his banner and i am laying in bed today thinking..... oh crap... he is camping still, he wont be at church at all today! and neither one of us ever picked up on it at all..... this is a sign of a TOO BUSY FAMILY!
we really have too much going on. i work a very long day of 7:30am to 5:00pm. he has school, and lots of homework, does really well and gets honors, wish he got high honors but still..... plus he has two instruments cello and bass, he is in strings and orchestra at school with his cello and right now only plays and takes private lessons with the electric bass. he takes private lessons with his cello too. he is in boy scouts so he has every tuesday evening committed and one weekend a month for camping. plus he is a den chief for a cub den so he has every friday evening committed. we also attend church very regularly so every sunday is committed from 9:30-12:00. we both see counselors.... thank god for them both! he has braces and is supposed to wear his elastics and night gear every day.... good luck with that buddy. i make and try to sell jewelry so i have to keep up on making product and booking shows or home parties.... good luck to me with that!
i try to have time to exercise (mainly walking around the complex or on the treadmill in my room) which does not happen as often as i would like. i try to read.... even just magazines.... and that does not happen as often as i would like either. we both have friends we try to talk to and see. and then there is all the housework that needs to be kept up on and the million year old dog we have to take care of. oh, plus there is my mom, who i keep up on her doctor appointments and her medications and i fill her pill box every friday night and i do her grocery shopping because she is supposed to be on a low sodium diet and if she does her own shopping she cant be trusted. lets see, am i forgetting anything.... i am sure i am.
we are TOO BUSY. but that is the way we roll...... that is the way it has always been.
who has time for a boyfriend! HA!
it seems that i could not possibly have time to have a boyfriend and pay enough attention to him... but i did and i did it just fine.... ask him, he would tell you, well ....if we were speaking.
so today every time i think about him i have to stop myself IMMEDIATELY cause i will NOT go thru another day like yesterday.
i AM fine and i DONT need anyone right now
he IS gone and WILL NOT be back
it IS OVER and no matter how much i miss him and think about him it WILL NOT bring it all back
it ended for a REASON and that reason SAVED ME from more heartache than i am already experiencing now
the memories are good ones but that is all they are ... MEMORIES
i am a STRONG CONFIDENT woman and i DONT NEED a man right now, i dont need a man EVER
i do LOVE myself and i LOVE my son and that is enough for me right now...
it is MORE THAN ENOUGH for me right now.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
emotions run deep
i thought i was done with this!
but apparently not.
today was so hard, everywhere i turned i was reminded of what i used to have. everywhere i turned there was a song, or a place or a memory, oh those damn memories.... why cant they stop?
i tried to keep busy all day, and i did a pretty good job, with a little help from my friends, but damn it was a hard day.
i found lots of tears in my eyes today, and they flowed like crazy this time. no welling up, just plain sobbing again. i really thought this part was over.
i know what is hard for me is that we were going to go to the cape together this week and i was so thrilled to be able to share something that means so much to me with someone who meant so much to me.
i know that his ex was going to take his son away for this weekend and we were going to spend this weekend together, and since we are not, i can only imagine what he is up to.
BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS because we are broken up and i just wish i could accept it (i do accept it, i just still hate it)
i feel slighted because i was FINALLY happy and so was he.
DAMMIT.
so here is some poetry, the first i have written since before i broke up with my ex. i guess it is time to get the creativity flowing again... maybe it will help me GET OVER IT!
--------------------------
the sunlight on my face
down by the river today
looking up into the sky
i cried
thinking of all that i once had
thinking of why
i need the sunlight again
but now there is only moon
dimly lit room
sadness and gloom
tomorrow there will be sun again
somewhere
i hope that it is with me
i hope that i will feel free
i hope
my heart will be light
again on day soon
i will walk tall
i will be alone and not lonely
i will
but apparently not.
today was so hard, everywhere i turned i was reminded of what i used to have. everywhere i turned there was a song, or a place or a memory, oh those damn memories.... why cant they stop?
i tried to keep busy all day, and i did a pretty good job, with a little help from my friends, but damn it was a hard day.
i found lots of tears in my eyes today, and they flowed like crazy this time. no welling up, just plain sobbing again. i really thought this part was over.
i know what is hard for me is that we were going to go to the cape together this week and i was so thrilled to be able to share something that means so much to me with someone who meant so much to me.
i know that his ex was going to take his son away for this weekend and we were going to spend this weekend together, and since we are not, i can only imagine what he is up to.
BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS because we are broken up and i just wish i could accept it (i do accept it, i just still hate it)
i feel slighted because i was FINALLY happy and so was he.
DAMMIT.
so here is some poetry, the first i have written since before i broke up with my ex. i guess it is time to get the creativity flowing again... maybe it will help me GET OVER IT!
--------------------------
the sunlight on my face
down by the river today
looking up into the sky
i cried
thinking of all that i once had
thinking of why
i need the sunlight again
but now there is only moon
dimly lit room
sadness and gloom
tomorrow there will be sun again
somewhere
i hope that it is with me
i hope that i will feel free
i hope
my heart will be light
again on day soon
i will walk tall
i will be alone and not lonely
i will
it's not you, it's me
those words suck.
i know i am getting better but everyone tells me that there will still be the roller coaster moments when you just dont understand and you just want him back.
i KNOW that it was best that we separated now rather than later when he thought he would cheat on me if he did not have this time to himself.
i KNOW that i need to get to know myself more than anything right now, so i can be ok with just me.
I KNOW THAT I MISS HIM and everything about our relationship because it was so great.
how could he just end something so right? because he knew it was not right anymore? because he spooked himself by loving me so quickly? because he knew he wanted to be a player?
everything was SO right with him from the first day..... how could it all go so wrong? it makes me so leery to even date anyone else because this was so deceptive to me, all the time i thought this was 'the one' and it wasnt. all the time i thought our connection and our love was so REAL and it was not real enough to last.
i still dont understand the whole 'it's not you, it's me' thing.
but i have to understand because that is my reality.
we are broken up, no sign of getting back together, i am on my own, the love is gone, and it SUCKS!
i did another thing that 'we' had done in the past this evening, went to the place where we spent new years eve together. that was such a great night. we both loved every second of it.
i am still in disbelief sometimes that it is all over, that he could end such a wonderful loving relationship so quickly.
i try to trick my brain by telling myself that he was going to cheat on me, or he already found someone else by now.... just to help myself get over him.
love sucks!
now what?......
i know i am getting better but everyone tells me that there will still be the roller coaster moments when you just dont understand and you just want him back.
i KNOW that it was best that we separated now rather than later when he thought he would cheat on me if he did not have this time to himself.
i KNOW that i need to get to know myself more than anything right now, so i can be ok with just me.
I KNOW THAT I MISS HIM and everything about our relationship because it was so great.
how could he just end something so right? because he knew it was not right anymore? because he spooked himself by loving me so quickly? because he knew he wanted to be a player?
everything was SO right with him from the first day..... how could it all go so wrong? it makes me so leery to even date anyone else because this was so deceptive to me, all the time i thought this was 'the one' and it wasnt. all the time i thought our connection and our love was so REAL and it was not real enough to last.
i still dont understand the whole 'it's not you, it's me' thing.
but i have to understand because that is my reality.
we are broken up, no sign of getting back together, i am on my own, the love is gone, and it SUCKS!
i did another thing that 'we' had done in the past this evening, went to the place where we spent new years eve together. that was such a great night. we both loved every second of it.
i am still in disbelief sometimes that it is all over, that he could end such a wonderful loving relationship so quickly.
i try to trick my brain by telling myself that he was going to cheat on me, or he already found someone else by now.... just to help myself get over him.
love sucks!
now what?......
Friday, April 18, 2008
renewing
after today at work i will be on vacation, and i hope to start to renew myself in many ways. i hope to catch up on more much needed rest, i hope to catch up on much needed self confidence and loose some of the fear of being single so that i can embrace it.
i know i have a great start so far.
i know who i am, i am a confident woman, mother, hard worker, good cook, fun loving person, i love to smile and laugh all the time and i have a loud laugh too, i know that my heart can feel light again, ....and it will.
i will be alone this weekend, my son is camping and my best friend is going to the cape earlier than i am , so i will have alot of time to start renewing myself.
the day is young and it has so much potential.
i can breathe today.
every time there is a sad thought i will slap it out of the way with that newspaper. every time i feel lonely i will embrace the quiet of some alone time, knowing that my son will be back in two days and it will be loud again.
here's to renewing the spirit, rekindling the light inside of me.
wish me luck!
i know i have a great start so far.
i know who i am, i am a confident woman, mother, hard worker, good cook, fun loving person, i love to smile and laugh all the time and i have a loud laugh too, i know that my heart can feel light again, ....and it will.
i will be alone this weekend, my son is camping and my best friend is going to the cape earlier than i am , so i will have alot of time to start renewing myself.
the day is young and it has so much potential.
i can breathe today.
every time there is a sad thought i will slap it out of the way with that newspaper. every time i feel lonely i will embrace the quiet of some alone time, knowing that my son will be back in two days and it will be loud again.
here's to renewing the spirit, rekindling the light inside of me.
wish me luck!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
end of day
it turns out that most of my uneasy feeling today was that i was coming down with something.... but it mimics the exact feelings i was feeling when my heart was ripped into 17 pieces just a few weeks ago.... so naturally i was confused.
it is like training a puppy not to pee on the floor, but every time i think of how i miss him or how much love we shared, i slap myself on the nose with the newspaper whose headline reads "EXTRA ...EXTRA ....HE BROKE IT OFF BECAUSE HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO CHEAT ON YOU"
then i try to get on with my work or whatever i was doing before it happened.
why do teenage boys have to be so..... teenage? being a single parent is very tough, but i dont even have a partner (ex husband or otherwise) to share in the discipline etc. it is very hard on me and sometimes i dont think i can pull it off.
everything always seems to come together but i dont know how i do it and i dont know how it happens. he is camping this weekend and i get to be alone again..... yay!
can you sense the sarcasm in my type?
but i will try to get things done and spend time with friends again.
really, honestly, everyday i do get better..... i just know that here is where i can write about the troubles i am having getting over this.... here is where i know i can be safe in speaking about how hard this all was. i am trying to say hi to people where ever i go and make new friends.
cant wait for someone to think i am sexy again (sorry but it is shallow and true) i hope it is soon, because i am sure that will help with my self esteem. actually i probably have to think that i am sexy first... you know, the whole be ok with myself and then everything else will fall into place.
right now i just want to get thru tomorrow at work, my last day before a weeks vacation, and then i can try to start to work on me again. and i would love to feel better too.... i hope this ailment, whatever it is, gets better before morning.
nothing worse than being sick on vaca..... yuck.
it is like training a puppy not to pee on the floor, but every time i think of how i miss him or how much love we shared, i slap myself on the nose with the newspaper whose headline reads "EXTRA ...EXTRA ....HE BROKE IT OFF BECAUSE HE KNEW HE WAS GOING TO CHEAT ON YOU"
then i try to get on with my work or whatever i was doing before it happened.
why do teenage boys have to be so..... teenage? being a single parent is very tough, but i dont even have a partner (ex husband or otherwise) to share in the discipline etc. it is very hard on me and sometimes i dont think i can pull it off.
everything always seems to come together but i dont know how i do it and i dont know how it happens. he is camping this weekend and i get to be alone again..... yay!
can you sense the sarcasm in my type?
but i will try to get things done and spend time with friends again.
really, honestly, everyday i do get better..... i just know that here is where i can write about the troubles i am having getting over this.... here is where i know i can be safe in speaking about how hard this all was. i am trying to say hi to people where ever i go and make new friends.
cant wait for someone to think i am sexy again (sorry but it is shallow and true) i hope it is soon, because i am sure that will help with my self esteem. actually i probably have to think that i am sexy first... you know, the whole be ok with myself and then everything else will fall into place.
right now i just want to get thru tomorrow at work, my last day before a weeks vacation, and then i can try to start to work on me again. and i would love to feel better too.... i hope this ailment, whatever it is, gets better before morning.
nothing worse than being sick on vaca..... yuck.
anxious
well today i a have this horrible anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. i try each day to just start anew and my head keeps coming back to the same old memories. (notice i said old, that is a step in the right direction)
i go from being lonely.... to missing him in my life... to remembering that this is a good thing that it ended without me getting even more hurt if he cheated on me.... then to what about the rest of my life .....then to i miss him again .....then to i have to forget, but i dont want to forget.
tears well up but they dont fall much anymore, this is a good sign.
i am writing this just as i am about to go out the door but i needed to write to get this anxious feeling out of me. there is the tension between my shoulder blades that i was feeling at the beginning of all of this.
i want that to end. i want all the hurt and pain and tears to end.
i still think of him each day and wonder how he is. but i dont call or text.
i still miss everything about him, but i dont act on any feelings that i have by calling. i try to just move on. this is really the hardest time i have ever had in my life. even when my ex-husband died it was not this difficult for this long. maybe because death is so permanent, while both parties are still here in this instance, and it is so incomprehensible that someone would end something so 'right'.
i feel i have a very high standard set now, and no one will ever live up to the standards i was accustomed to with my ex. then i feel no one is ever going to even be interested in me so why bother..... the jumble of emotions i have are HUGE and CRAZY.
well i should probably get to work.... i hope this anxious feeling goes away soon.... and the tears and the pain.... the whole thing....
i want to get BETTER now please!
i go from being lonely.... to missing him in my life... to remembering that this is a good thing that it ended without me getting even more hurt if he cheated on me.... then to what about the rest of my life .....then to i miss him again .....then to i have to forget, but i dont want to forget.
tears well up but they dont fall much anymore, this is a good sign.
i am writing this just as i am about to go out the door but i needed to write to get this anxious feeling out of me. there is the tension between my shoulder blades that i was feeling at the beginning of all of this.
i want that to end. i want all the hurt and pain and tears to end.
i still think of him each day and wonder how he is. but i dont call or text.
i still miss everything about him, but i dont act on any feelings that i have by calling. i try to just move on. this is really the hardest time i have ever had in my life. even when my ex-husband died it was not this difficult for this long. maybe because death is so permanent, while both parties are still here in this instance, and it is so incomprehensible that someone would end something so 'right'.
i feel i have a very high standard set now, and no one will ever live up to the standards i was accustomed to with my ex. then i feel no one is ever going to even be interested in me so why bother..... the jumble of emotions i have are HUGE and CRAZY.
well i should probably get to work.... i hope this anxious feeling goes away soon.... and the tears and the pain.... the whole thing....
i want to get BETTER now please!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
cyber journal
well, little did i know that this would replace my regular journal. i have not written in it for several days, i only focus on this. that is not a bad thing. my feelings are still coming out and that is the important part.
this morning i am ok. realizing i am on vacation next week gives me a few feelings, anxious to finish all my work so that my desk is not a hazard when i get back, happy that i will be able to go to the cape, upset at the money i will be spending (goodbye rest of IRS refund), worried that my dog will be ok at the vet (it's only 4 days, she will be FINE), happy that i can catch up on some much needed sleep starting in 3 days.
usually when i go away i have a hope for the vacation.... whether it is to finish a book, or to make jewelry, or to write poetry, or to get some good pics.... this is a short vaca so my goals have to be few.
i am not sure what my goal is yet..... probably reading and poetry.
i dont care if it rains the whole time, i love to be by the water, it is so peaceful to me.
i looked online at match.com last night.... i was scared by it.
i did not stay long.
i am not ready for any of that yet. my memories are good ones, but they are still close to the surface and i am not sure that i am ready for anything except breathing and living my life as josh's mom right now. i have to wait for the memories to sink down a little bit more.... or for me to swim closer to the surface.... which ever the case may be.
this morning i am ok. realizing i am on vacation next week gives me a few feelings, anxious to finish all my work so that my desk is not a hazard when i get back, happy that i will be able to go to the cape, upset at the money i will be spending (goodbye rest of IRS refund), worried that my dog will be ok at the vet (it's only 4 days, she will be FINE), happy that i can catch up on some much needed sleep starting in 3 days.
usually when i go away i have a hope for the vacation.... whether it is to finish a book, or to make jewelry, or to write poetry, or to get some good pics.... this is a short vaca so my goals have to be few.
i am not sure what my goal is yet..... probably reading and poetry.
i dont care if it rains the whole time, i love to be by the water, it is so peaceful to me.
i looked online at match.com last night.... i was scared by it.
i did not stay long.
i am not ready for any of that yet. my memories are good ones, but they are still close to the surface and i am not sure that i am ready for anything except breathing and living my life as josh's mom right now. i have to wait for the memories to sink down a little bit more.... or for me to swim closer to the surface.... which ever the case may be.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
busy day, good day
today was a good day, mostly because it was a busy day but also because it was the first whole day that i did not live in the past, i did not wish for my ex back and i realized all day long that my ex is in my past, not my present and not my future.
mom had the scan but we dont know what the lump is yet, hopefully in a day or so. if it is not life threatening she may skip any procedures they suggest, her fear of the hospital is much greater since her last visit in the fall.
josh is driving me crazy but i guess that is expected since he is a teenager and quite moody.
but the most impressive part of my day was the fact that i really think i am getting over this break up, finally. even though my book i am reading is explaining all the things you will encounter when you find the right guy for you.... and i already encountered all of it with my ex.... and that did not work out like i had hoped.....
i know it has only been about 3 weeks but it has been a LONG 3 weeks.
i do still miss his conversation and companionship the most. but i am getting used to not having it. i miss loving somebody too.
i am sure as soon as anyone starts paying attention to me again, i will be just fine but at this point i know i need to get to know myself alot more.
i am taking the time to dress well and when i go out to the store i make sure my hair is brushed :)
josh and i are on vacation next week and once i get thru that i think i will be home free.... whatever that means.
my ex was going to go on vacation with us and i just could not wait to be able to share my favorite place in the world (cape cod) with someone i love (other than josh). the place where we stay on the water is so romantic and i just could not wait to sit with him on the deck in the evening and watch the sun setting over p-town with a glass of wine and holding his hand.
i have wanted that for years and i still have not been able to experience it.
everyone tells me that there is more out there for me.... and now i am excited to meet it head on.
mom had the scan but we dont know what the lump is yet, hopefully in a day or so. if it is not life threatening she may skip any procedures they suggest, her fear of the hospital is much greater since her last visit in the fall.
josh is driving me crazy but i guess that is expected since he is a teenager and quite moody.
but the most impressive part of my day was the fact that i really think i am getting over this break up, finally. even though my book i am reading is explaining all the things you will encounter when you find the right guy for you.... and i already encountered all of it with my ex.... and that did not work out like i had hoped.....
i know it has only been about 3 weeks but it has been a LONG 3 weeks.
i do still miss his conversation and companionship the most. but i am getting used to not having it. i miss loving somebody too.
i am sure as soon as anyone starts paying attention to me again, i will be just fine but at this point i know i need to get to know myself alot more.
i am taking the time to dress well and when i go out to the store i make sure my hair is brushed :)
josh and i are on vacation next week and once i get thru that i think i will be home free.... whatever that means.
my ex was going to go on vacation with us and i just could not wait to be able to share my favorite place in the world (cape cod) with someone i love (other than josh). the place where we stay on the water is so romantic and i just could not wait to sit with him on the deck in the evening and watch the sun setting over p-town with a glass of wine and holding his hand.
i have wanted that for years and i still have not been able to experience it.
everyone tells me that there is more out there for me.... and now i am excited to meet it head on.
dreams
oh well, so much for having a dreamless sleep. i had a horrible nightmare, it was like a horror/suspense/drama movie that i could not shut off.
but i am awake now and i hope i never have that dream again.
moving forward..... i have to take my mom for some tests today to see if a lump she has is a hernia, or maybe it is nothing at all. she is nervous, i am nervous. i will be glad when we get the results.
i have a really big anxious feeling in my gut today, dont know if it is from my movie like dream or mom or just everything else i have been experiencing these days.
i hope it goes away soon. i dont like how i feel.
but i am awake now and i hope i never have that dream again.
moving forward..... i have to take my mom for some tests today to see if a lump she has is a hernia, or maybe it is nothing at all. she is nervous, i am nervous. i will be glad when we get the results.
i have a really big anxious feeling in my gut today, dont know if it is from my movie like dream or mom or just everything else i have been experiencing these days.
i hope it goes away soon. i dont like how i feel.
Monday, April 14, 2008
the past
today was a good day, very very little crying, sounds crazy but the days are getting better, each day is different, on the whole each day is better.
this morning on my way to work i thought, it does not really matter that i still love him, because i am no longer part of his life..... he broke up with me and that is that.
the memories i have are just that, great memories..... and memories are the past .... not the present and not the future.
i cant say that i dont miss him, because i do.
i miss the companionship the most. the phone calls and the talking and sharing feelings etc. but i no longer look at the phone and hope that he calls... because i know that he wont.
it is still quite sad to have the relationship be over, but i know there is nothing i can do about it. all i can do is move forward.
i finally cooked some dinner tonight for the first time in a while. i am keeping up on dishes which is also a good thing. i brought my xm radio into work today for the first time, i have been leaving it in the car and only listening to comedy, but today i brought it in and listened to music. i knew i would run into several songs that i burned on cd for my ex and i made myself listen to them. i did pretty good with that task.
my life is returning to normal, one crazy little piece at a time.
i am totally used to coming home to an empty bed now because i usually did that anyway except for the weekends.
i am totally ready to start relaxing and realizing that i am ok by myself. i am ready to move forward into my future, what ever that may hold for me.
i cant wait for all the sadness and hurt to leave my heart, but i am accepting day by day that my ex is in my past..... i am grateful for everything that we did together, it was all fantastic, and apparently it lasted as long as it was supposed to last.
i may have to speak to my ex very soon regarding work, because that is how we met, thru our places of work.... and i am scared but i know i can do this. i am an adult, i can handle it just fine.
so now i am going to go crawl into my empty bed and read for a bit before i go to sleep. hopefully i will sleep a dreamless sleep, because my ex usually comes to me in my dreams.
again i wish that i had done something wrong so that i could have something to blame for all of this. but i have to realize that he did me a favor by ending it this way, by treating me with respect and not cheating on me. the memories were great, the PAST several months were wonderful, i appreciate and embrace the PAST.....for as i have said many times to many people along the way, i never regret my past because it has helped make me the person i am today.... and i am a pretty good person today.
sleep well....
this morning on my way to work i thought, it does not really matter that i still love him, because i am no longer part of his life..... he broke up with me and that is that.
the memories i have are just that, great memories..... and memories are the past .... not the present and not the future.
i cant say that i dont miss him, because i do.
i miss the companionship the most. the phone calls and the talking and sharing feelings etc. but i no longer look at the phone and hope that he calls... because i know that he wont.
it is still quite sad to have the relationship be over, but i know there is nothing i can do about it. all i can do is move forward.
i finally cooked some dinner tonight for the first time in a while. i am keeping up on dishes which is also a good thing. i brought my xm radio into work today for the first time, i have been leaving it in the car and only listening to comedy, but today i brought it in and listened to music. i knew i would run into several songs that i burned on cd for my ex and i made myself listen to them. i did pretty good with that task.
my life is returning to normal, one crazy little piece at a time.
i am totally used to coming home to an empty bed now because i usually did that anyway except for the weekends.
i am totally ready to start relaxing and realizing that i am ok by myself. i am ready to move forward into my future, what ever that may hold for me.
i cant wait for all the sadness and hurt to leave my heart, but i am accepting day by day that my ex is in my past..... i am grateful for everything that we did together, it was all fantastic, and apparently it lasted as long as it was supposed to last.
i may have to speak to my ex very soon regarding work, because that is how we met, thru our places of work.... and i am scared but i know i can do this. i am an adult, i can handle it just fine.
so now i am going to go crawl into my empty bed and read for a bit before i go to sleep. hopefully i will sleep a dreamless sleep, because my ex usually comes to me in my dreams.
again i wish that i had done something wrong so that i could have something to blame for all of this. but i have to realize that he did me a favor by ending it this way, by treating me with respect and not cheating on me. the memories were great, the PAST several months were wonderful, i appreciate and embrace the PAST.....for as i have said many times to many people along the way, i never regret my past because it has helped make me the person i am today.... and i am a pretty good person today.
sleep well....
Sunday, April 13, 2008
seeing things
so i think i can see things more clearly now, as the days go on and i am able to speak to my friends more often, and get more opinions.... things come into focus. most everyone i speak to says the same thing, this happened for a reason and i do need to get to know myself just as much as he needs this time.
right now it does not hurt ...so much as ache.
right now i miss him and the things we used to do and the way that he treated me and loved me so much. it is a WONDERFUL feeling to be loved like that. i had never felt that before. i was married and i was in another long relationship but neither was based on healthy open honest love like this one was.
i am getting used to being 'alone' in the house. i am getting used to finding ways to keep myself busy so that i dont get down and cry. i am also getting used to knowing that i have no one who loves me and wants to call me and tell me so.
that last part still stings
every day i try to do things that 'we used to do' so that i am not held prisoner in my head, not allowing myself to do those things again because it will bring back memories.
the memories i have were wonderful memories and i am very glad to have experienced them in my life. and everyone tells me i will experience it all again, maybe even better next time around.
so i keep myself busy by visiting with friends i have not seen in years and chatting with neighbors quite a bit and laughing really hard with my best friend. (look at me, i've got paraffin-alia)
i see now that i do miss him a great deal, and i know that he misses me too.... there is no way that he does not miss me and everything we had.
but i also see now that i just have to remember the wonderful memories, and know that i will be able to make more wonderful memories in the future. maybe with him, maybe not..... either way i will be fine.
i did not cry in church today, this is a good thing.
i kept busy all weekend long, another good thing.
my son and i are home for the night, he is about to take his shower and i am going to walk on the treadmill to work off some of those extra carbs i had today. (who can go to TGI Fridays without having the cinnabon cheesecake.... nobody!)
oh and there were all those sun chips too..... and the crazy ass martini....
i better get stepping!
right now it does not hurt ...so much as ache.
right now i miss him and the things we used to do and the way that he treated me and loved me so much. it is a WONDERFUL feeling to be loved like that. i had never felt that before. i was married and i was in another long relationship but neither was based on healthy open honest love like this one was.
i am getting used to being 'alone' in the house. i am getting used to finding ways to keep myself busy so that i dont get down and cry. i am also getting used to knowing that i have no one who loves me and wants to call me and tell me so.
that last part still stings
every day i try to do things that 'we used to do' so that i am not held prisoner in my head, not allowing myself to do those things again because it will bring back memories.
the memories i have were wonderful memories and i am very glad to have experienced them in my life. and everyone tells me i will experience it all again, maybe even better next time around.
so i keep myself busy by visiting with friends i have not seen in years and chatting with neighbors quite a bit and laughing really hard with my best friend. (look at me, i've got paraffin-alia)
i see now that i do miss him a great deal, and i know that he misses me too.... there is no way that he does not miss me and everything we had.
but i also see now that i just have to remember the wonderful memories, and know that i will be able to make more wonderful memories in the future. maybe with him, maybe not..... either way i will be fine.
i did not cry in church today, this is a good thing.
i kept busy all weekend long, another good thing.
my son and i are home for the night, he is about to take his shower and i am going to walk on the treadmill to work off some of those extra carbs i had today. (who can go to TGI Fridays without having the cinnabon cheesecake.... nobody!)
oh and there were all those sun chips too..... and the crazy ass martini....
i better get stepping!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
triumph, for today
so i never called or texted (i never know if that is really a word or not... texted.... hmm) and i was busy all day long. never had a moment to crawl in bed and cry in the fetal position.... this is a good day. i have a small wonderful group of friends who i am SO grateful for .... and i hope they know how much i appreciate each and every one of them!
just need to say it again.... LOOK AT ME, I'M GONNA BE FINE!
just need to say it again.... LOOK AT ME, I'M GONNA BE FINE!
if only..... i could get over it
ok, so i am not so angry now. i have had time to think and sometimes i just need to get my thoughts 'out there' so that i can see them and really look at them, then try to move on.
i know that I AM ENOUGH and that he just has some things to work thru.
i really want to text him or call him but every book i read and every friend i talk to tells me DONT CALL. and i agree with them completely, but this damn heart of mine.... if it would only be callous and hard.... if only i could just stop caring about someone i have cared deeply for during the last several months.... if only.
but i am not callous and hard, i am a genuine true friend and i do care.
so much inside me is fighting. fighting the urge not to call (even though he is deleted from my phone i still know his number and could manage a call or text just fine, the deletion is just trickery for my brain.... it's not working)
i am also fighting the thoughts that i can get over this and move on and be my fabulous self again. there are glimmers of hope for me here and there. last night i bought a sticker for my car that says 'moms rock'..... AND THEY DO! i put it on my car this morning, crooked but just the same, it is there loud and proud.
i am trying to make eye contact with people when i go out in public, put myself out there. i fight with myself that i am not ready for that yet,
but then i tell myself that i cant get over it.... if i dont get over it!
so for now.... i will not call or text.... i will go finish my 5 loads of laundry and take my son to his lesson and do my errands etc.... and just try to get over it.
this is really one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. if only i had done something wrong, maybe i would be able to accept it better... but i did nothing wrong.... i have to get over it.
i know that I AM ENOUGH and that he just has some things to work thru.
i really want to text him or call him but every book i read and every friend i talk to tells me DONT CALL. and i agree with them completely, but this damn heart of mine.... if it would only be callous and hard.... if only i could just stop caring about someone i have cared deeply for during the last several months.... if only.
but i am not callous and hard, i am a genuine true friend and i do care.
so much inside me is fighting. fighting the urge not to call (even though he is deleted from my phone i still know his number and could manage a call or text just fine, the deletion is just trickery for my brain.... it's not working)
i am also fighting the thoughts that i can get over this and move on and be my fabulous self again. there are glimmers of hope for me here and there. last night i bought a sticker for my car that says 'moms rock'..... AND THEY DO! i put it on my car this morning, crooked but just the same, it is there loud and proud.
i am trying to make eye contact with people when i go out in public, put myself out there. i fight with myself that i am not ready for that yet,
but then i tell myself that i cant get over it.... if i dont get over it!
so for now.... i will not call or text.... i will go finish my 5 loads of laundry and take my son to his lesson and do my errands etc.... and just try to get over it.
this is really one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. if only i had done something wrong, maybe i would be able to accept it better... but i did nothing wrong.... i have to get over it.
Friday, April 11, 2008
a little angry
hi
me again, just wanted to vent a bit. i have had a few beers and i am feeling angry, and this is a good thing because maybe i am on my way out of this hurtful funk i have been in.
i completely understand that my ex had to break this relationship up because he needed space, time, to be able to focus on the important stuff, because he felt that if he did not have this time to 'explore' so that he could realize what a great thing he had with me... curiosity would eventually kill the cat (his words) and it would grenade in front of us (his words again).
i do feel grateful that i was not cheated on because it would be sooooo much worse if i was cheated on, but on the other hand i am angry that i was not enough for him. how could i have not been enough for him, i gave him everything and treated him like a king, our connection was beyond belief, everything was good, how could that not have been enough? i guess i just dont get it.
so here stems my anger. it makes me feel as though even though i gave everything, it was not good enough. it just does not make sense to me.
i met with some friends tonight who made me feel good about myself and also took my mind off things.... but under it all ... there it still is.... the anger and disbelief.
this sucks more than i could ever imagine and i am trying so hard to get over this and realize that i have been dumped and there is no turning back.
maybe in a year or so if he realizes that i really was as good as he thought at the time, maybe he might come back to me, but do i sit here and wait,.... hell no.
i need to be truly ok with myself and know that i am a great person and a great catch and someone WILL think that i am enough. whether it is my ex or not, someone will appreciate me for me.
the words 'it's not you, it's me' have damaged me in ways so deep that i never thought possible. for me to have a connection like i did and just to give myself completely to another person, and have it not be enough and to be rejected for it is horrendous. i cant wait for the day when the bell goes off in my head and i know... i just know.... that i am ok the way i am.
this whole post must sound crazy to anyone just reading it, but i have to work thru these things so that i can come out on the other side standing tall and proud again, like i used to. i feel that i am close to it now.... maybe a matter of days and i will be willing and ready to get back out there again. keep good thoughts for me please.
me again, just wanted to vent a bit. i have had a few beers and i am feeling angry, and this is a good thing because maybe i am on my way out of this hurtful funk i have been in.
i completely understand that my ex had to break this relationship up because he needed space, time, to be able to focus on the important stuff, because he felt that if he did not have this time to 'explore' so that he could realize what a great thing he had with me... curiosity would eventually kill the cat (his words) and it would grenade in front of us (his words again).
i do feel grateful that i was not cheated on because it would be sooooo much worse if i was cheated on, but on the other hand i am angry that i was not enough for him. how could i have not been enough for him, i gave him everything and treated him like a king, our connection was beyond belief, everything was good, how could that not have been enough? i guess i just dont get it.
so here stems my anger. it makes me feel as though even though i gave everything, it was not good enough. it just does not make sense to me.
i met with some friends tonight who made me feel good about myself and also took my mind off things.... but under it all ... there it still is.... the anger and disbelief.
this sucks more than i could ever imagine and i am trying so hard to get over this and realize that i have been dumped and there is no turning back.
maybe in a year or so if he realizes that i really was as good as he thought at the time, maybe he might come back to me, but do i sit here and wait,.... hell no.
i need to be truly ok with myself and know that i am a great person and a great catch and someone WILL think that i am enough. whether it is my ex or not, someone will appreciate me for me.
the words 'it's not you, it's me' have damaged me in ways so deep that i never thought possible. for me to have a connection like i did and just to give myself completely to another person, and have it not be enough and to be rejected for it is horrendous. i cant wait for the day when the bell goes off in my head and i know... i just know.... that i am ok the way i am.
this whole post must sound crazy to anyone just reading it, but i have to work thru these things so that i can come out on the other side standing tall and proud again, like i used to. i feel that i am close to it now.... maybe a matter of days and i will be willing and ready to get back out there again. keep good thoughts for me please.
focus
good morning, i seem to write more in the mornings lately, maybe because i am too tired to stay up at night. today i want to make sure that i focus on what's right in my life instead of what's wrong.
let's see.... i have a wonderful healthy son, a nice place to live, enough money for food, a good job, great friends who support me, a nice family, i have my mother still which i am very lucky for since she had a heart attack 2 years ago and several stents put in, i have my health, i have self discipline staying on my diet since last august and loosing 2 dress sizes, i have a small talent for writing so that i can get my feelings out on paper (or screen) to help me vent and feel better..... hmmm what else is there? there must be more.
that is a pretty good list of things that are right in my life, things to be thankful for, things to focus on so that i can keep telling myself that i am a good person, a great catch and someone will want me again someday.
this is what i need to keep telling myself. in the midst of this hurt/healing i am feeling i have to remember that this was not my fault. it would have been so much easier for me to handle if it were my fault.
so i get up each day and get ready for work, make sure my son gets up too and gets everything ready for his day as well. i do my make up and look at myself and wonder why did this happen to me when i thought i was going to be happy finally, i do my hair which takes a long time and i hope each day that it comes out ok instead of doing what it wants to do (which it sometimes does), i dress and grab my snacks for the day and run to work, sometimes i get a coffee at DD and sometimes i make my own if i have time, then i start my day at work.
work is busy, there is always something to do, and this is good, less time to 'think', i have good friends there too who help me out of a slump if i am in one.
but it is the end of the day that is the worst. keeping myself busy so that i dont start to 'think' again. trying to meet up with friends or do errands or something ... anything too keep me busy until it is time to go to sleep. i know i will find a groove eventually but now it seems everything is so choppy and unorganized. everything seems forced. i cant wait for the days when things come naturally to me again. i was like that before. i was like that for years.
now i seem to have lost my groove and i need to get it back.
so i will focus on what is right in my life today and i will be fine. i need to know that i am ok, just being me, just for today.
let's see.... i have a wonderful healthy son, a nice place to live, enough money for food, a good job, great friends who support me, a nice family, i have my mother still which i am very lucky for since she had a heart attack 2 years ago and several stents put in, i have my health, i have self discipline staying on my diet since last august and loosing 2 dress sizes, i have a small talent for writing so that i can get my feelings out on paper (or screen) to help me vent and feel better..... hmmm what else is there? there must be more.
that is a pretty good list of things that are right in my life, things to be thankful for, things to focus on so that i can keep telling myself that i am a good person, a great catch and someone will want me again someday.
this is what i need to keep telling myself. in the midst of this hurt/healing i am feeling i have to remember that this was not my fault. it would have been so much easier for me to handle if it were my fault.
so i get up each day and get ready for work, make sure my son gets up too and gets everything ready for his day as well. i do my make up and look at myself and wonder why did this happen to me when i thought i was going to be happy finally, i do my hair which takes a long time and i hope each day that it comes out ok instead of doing what it wants to do (which it sometimes does), i dress and grab my snacks for the day and run to work, sometimes i get a coffee at DD and sometimes i make my own if i have time, then i start my day at work.
work is busy, there is always something to do, and this is good, less time to 'think', i have good friends there too who help me out of a slump if i am in one.
but it is the end of the day that is the worst. keeping myself busy so that i dont start to 'think' again. trying to meet up with friends or do errands or something ... anything too keep me busy until it is time to go to sleep. i know i will find a groove eventually but now it seems everything is so choppy and unorganized. everything seems forced. i cant wait for the days when things come naturally to me again. i was like that before. i was like that for years.
now i seem to have lost my groove and i need to get it back.
so i will focus on what is right in my life today and i will be fine. i need to know that i am ok, just being me, just for today.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
two little BIG words
today i wanted to focus on two words.... 'thank you'.
it is important to me in this turmoil i am going thru to remember to say thank you. thank you to all the people who actually are standing by me right now, being supportive even though i am still crying at the drop of a hat and still feeling broken and down. thank you to lisa steadman for writing the book 'it's a breakup not a breakdown' which has really been helping me realize i will be fine. thank you to the universe for letting me get a fresh start, a clean slate, a new beginning. thank you to my ex for giving me such wonderful love for these last few months and letting me know that i can be loved, and letting me experience a really great person like him as well.
it is hard for me to start over like this. it is hard for me to get to know me. i am not really comfortable with me yet and i know it will take time.
it still hurts that i cant call him but i know that if i do i will be doing him a disservice because he needs time to think and get to know himself as well. it hurts that he has not called me and said 'i miss you too much lets get back together' but i know it is much too soon for that and he may never come back to me.... which hurts even more.
with all this hurt in my heart still it is very hard to be able to be thankful about anything, but i have to remember the good stuff and plunge forward each day.
i am about to go to work, busy day, lots of stuff on my desk from yesterday, but that is a good thing, i can keep my mind off other things if i am busy all day at work.
here's to another day, something to be thankful for.....
it is important to me in this turmoil i am going thru to remember to say thank you. thank you to all the people who actually are standing by me right now, being supportive even though i am still crying at the drop of a hat and still feeling broken and down. thank you to lisa steadman for writing the book 'it's a breakup not a breakdown' which has really been helping me realize i will be fine. thank you to the universe for letting me get a fresh start, a clean slate, a new beginning. thank you to my ex for giving me such wonderful love for these last few months and letting me know that i can be loved, and letting me experience a really great person like him as well.
it is hard for me to start over like this. it is hard for me to get to know me. i am not really comfortable with me yet and i know it will take time.
it still hurts that i cant call him but i know that if i do i will be doing him a disservice because he needs time to think and get to know himself as well. it hurts that he has not called me and said 'i miss you too much lets get back together' but i know it is much too soon for that and he may never come back to me.... which hurts even more.
with all this hurt in my heart still it is very hard to be able to be thankful about anything, but i have to remember the good stuff and plunge forward each day.
i am about to go to work, busy day, lots of stuff on my desk from yesterday, but that is a good thing, i can keep my mind off other things if i am busy all day at work.
here's to another day, something to be thankful for.....
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
my new day
this is the beginning of my new day (even though it is 10:38pm). i have been thinking about starting this blog for a while and now i am taking the deer by the antlers and jumping off the cliff with my eyes closed and hoping i made a good decision. went to my friend helena's today and it is apparent to me that this is the thing that i have been putting off and this is the thing i need to work on for now.
i have just been thru a pretty horrendous emotional time with a wonderful relationship coming to a crashing halt, not of my own accord. this is my time to heal, my time to move on with getting to know myself, my time to transition into someone who i can really like, my time to learn to be comfortable in my own skin.
this blog is named after my 'company' in which i create handmade beaded jewelry, but more importantly it is named after my son JOSHUA. he is a wonderful kid, 13, great student, good person, supportive of his single working mom and my reason for being here on this planet. i know that this is my purpose, to be his mom, and do the best that i can everyday.
some days it is pretty hard. i am divorced but also, my ex-husband, josh's dad, passed away at a very young age of cardio miopathy (i hope i spelled that right). we have lived quite a roller coaster life over the last few years. i have cried many many tears and sometimes thought there was NO WAY there was another tear left inside me. this break up wrecked me, but now since a few weeks have passed, i know that i will be fine.... LOOK AT ME, I'M GONNA BE FINE!
i suppose it is a good thing to be able to cry, be able to feel emotion. sometimes i feel too much. i try to express my feelings in different ways. i write in my journal and i write poetry.
i am trying to get to know myself more these days now that i have all kinds of time on my hands, so this blog will hopefully help me do this. i dont know if i will have anything to say that will make anyone feel that they need to post, maybe no one will ever read this at all but me. but i want to try and see where it takes me on my journey.
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