seeing things

so i think i can see things more clearly now, as the days go on and i am able to speak to my friends more often, and get more opinions.... things come into focus. most everyone i speak to says the same thing, this happened for a reason and i do need to get to know myself just as much as he needs this time.

right now it does not hurt ...so much as ache.
right now i miss him and the things we used to do and the way that he treated me and loved me so much. it is a WONDERFUL feeling to be loved like that. i had never felt that before. i was married and i was in another long relationship but neither was based on healthy open honest love like this one was.

i am getting used to being 'alone' in the house. i am getting used to finding ways to keep myself busy so that i dont get down and cry. i am also getting used to knowing that i have no one who loves me and wants to call me and tell me so.
that last part still stings
every day i try to do things that 'we used to do' so that i am not held prisoner in my head, not allowing myself to do those things again because it will bring back memories.
the memories i have were wonderful memories and i am very glad to have experienced them in my life. and everyone tells me i will experience it all again, maybe even better next time around.

so i keep myself busy by visiting with friends i have not seen in years and chatting with neighbors quite a bit and laughing really hard with my best friend. (look at me, i've got paraffin-alia)

i see now that i do miss him a great deal, and i know that he misses me too.... there is no way that he does not miss me and everything we had.
but i also see now that i just have to remember the wonderful memories, and know that i will be able to make more wonderful memories in the future. maybe with him, maybe not..... either way i will be fine.

i did not cry in church today, this is a good thing.
i kept busy all weekend long, another good thing.
my son and i are home for the night, he is about to take his shower and i am going to walk on the treadmill to work off some of those extra carbs i had today. (who can go to TGI Fridays without having the cinnabon cheesecake.... nobody!)
oh and there were all those sun chips too..... and the crazy ass martini....
i better get stepping!