focus

good morning, i seem to write more in the mornings lately, maybe because i am too tired to stay up at night. today i want to make sure that i focus on what's right in my life instead of what's wrong.
let's see.... i have a wonderful healthy son, a nice place to live, enough money for food, a good job, great friends who support me, a nice family, i have my mother still which i am very lucky for since she had a heart attack 2 years ago and several stents put in, i have my health, i have self discipline staying on my diet since last august and loosing 2 dress sizes, i have a small talent for writing so that i can get my feelings out on paper (or screen) to help me vent and feel better..... hmmm what else is there? there must be more.

that is a pretty good list of things that are right in my life, things to be thankful for, things to focus on so that i can keep telling myself that i am a good person, a great catch and someone will want me again someday.
this is what i need to keep telling myself. in the midst of this hurt/healing i am feeling i have to remember that this was not my fault. it would have been so much easier for me to handle if it were my fault.

so i get up each day and get ready for work, make sure my son gets up too and gets everything ready for his day as well. i do my make up and look at myself and wonder why did this happen to me when i thought i was going to be happy finally, i do my hair which takes a long time and i hope each day that it comes out ok instead of doing what it wants to do (which it sometimes does), i dress and grab my snacks for the day and run to work, sometimes i get a coffee at DD and sometimes i make my own if i have time, then i start my day at work.
work is busy, there is always something to do, and this is good, less time to 'think', i have good friends there too who help me out of a slump if i am in one.

but it is the end of the day that is the worst. keeping myself busy so that i dont start to 'think' again. trying to meet up with friends or do errands or something ... anything too keep me busy until it is time to go to sleep. i know i will find a groove eventually but now it seems everything is so choppy and unorganized. everything seems forced. i cant wait for the days when things come naturally to me again. i was like that before. i was like that for years.
now i seem to have lost my groove and i need to get it back.

so i will focus on what is right in my life today and i will be fine. i need to know that i am ok, just being me, just for today.