the past

today was a good day, very very little crying, sounds crazy but the days are getting better, each day is different, on the whole each day is better.
this morning on my way to work i thought, it does not really matter that i still love him, because i am no longer part of his life..... he broke up with me and that is that.
the memories i have are just that, great memories..... and memories are the past .... not the present and not the future.
i cant say that i dont miss him, because i do.
i miss the companionship the most. the phone calls and the talking and sharing feelings etc. but i no longer look at the phone and hope that he calls... because i know that he wont.
it is still quite sad to have the relationship be over, but i know there is nothing i can do about it. all i can do is move forward.

i finally cooked some dinner tonight for the first time in a while. i am keeping up on dishes which is also a good thing. i brought my xm radio into work today for the first time, i have been leaving it in the car and only listening to comedy, but today i brought it in and listened to music. i knew i would run into several songs that i burned on cd for my ex and i made myself listen to them. i did pretty good with that task.
my life is returning to normal, one crazy little piece at a time.
i am totally used to coming home to an empty bed now because i usually did that anyway except for the weekends.
i am totally ready to start relaxing and realizing that i am ok by myself. i am ready to move forward into my future, what ever that may hold for me.

i cant wait for all the sadness and hurt to leave my heart, but i am accepting day by day that my ex is in my past..... i am grateful for everything that we did together, it was all fantastic, and apparently it lasted as long as it was supposed to last.
i may have to speak to my ex very soon regarding work, because that is how we met, thru our places of work.... and i am scared but i know i can do this. i am an adult, i can handle it just fine.

so now i am going to go crawl into my empty bed and read for a bit before i go to sleep. hopefully i will sleep a dreamless sleep, because my ex usually comes to me in my dreams.
again i wish that i had done something wrong so that i could have something to blame for all of this. but i have to realize that he did me a favor by ending it this way, by treating me with respect and not cheating on me. the memories were great, the PAST several months were wonderful, i appreciate and embrace the PAST.....for as i have said many times to many people along the way, i never regret my past because it has helped make me the person i am today.... and i am a pretty good person today.
sleep well....