ok, so i am not so angry now. i have had time to think and sometimes i just need to get my thoughts 'out there' so that i can see them and really look at them, then try to move on.
i know that I AM ENOUGH and that he just has some things to work thru.
i really want to text him or call him but every book i read and every friend i talk to tells me DONT CALL. and i agree with them completely, but this damn heart of mine.... if it would only be callous and hard.... if only i could just stop caring about someone i have cared deeply for during the last several months.... if only.
but i am not callous and hard, i am a genuine true friend and i do care.
so much inside me is fighting. fighting the urge not to call (even though he is deleted from my phone i still know his number and could manage a call or text just fine, the deletion is just trickery for my brain.... it's not working)
i am also fighting the thoughts that i can get over this and move on and be my fabulous self again. there are glimmers of hope for me here and there. last night i bought a sticker for my car that says 'moms rock'..... AND THEY DO! i put it on my car this morning, crooked but just the same, it is there loud and proud.
i am trying to make eye contact with people when i go out in public, put myself out there. i fight with myself that i am not ready for that yet,
but then i tell myself that i cant get over it.... if i dont get over it!
so for now.... i will not call or text.... i will go finish my 5 loads of laundry and take my son to his lesson and do my errands etc.... and just try to get over it.
this is really one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. if only i had done something wrong, maybe i would be able to accept it better... but i did nothing wrong.... i have to get over it.
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