brave new world

so i put myself on yahoo personals and match.com for 3 months each. i hope it is not a mistake. it is all so weird still and it still kind of makes me want to throw up.
who are these people and why are they looking online?
are they creeps?
are they desperate?
are they players just looking to hook up with a ton of women?
am i desperate?
am i a loser because no one i know is interested in me without being on a dating service?
is this my future? i hope not
i will do it for 3 months and see where it takes me
i dont have to talk to anyone i dont want to talk to ...and i certainly dont have to meet anyone i dont want to meet
again, the feeling of vomit overwhelms me now

my head still reels at the though of having what i thought was the best relationship in my life and then it disappeared like so much smoke, right into thin air.
sometimes i think of when we met and all the connections we had and how great it all was, then i think how it is now and we dont even speak anymore.
it is sad

it makes a girl think.... why bother at all? why put myself out there only to be crushed again?
no one likes to get crushed.....
i dont cry much anymore at all, it is all kind of numb at this point, and i get angry.
angry that i have to do this again.

i have to go into this with no expectations at all, like i did when i met my ex. i did not think anything would come of that at all. i went into it confident and sure of myself and who i was.... i have to look at this process the same way.

do most people have to pep talk themselves on a blog in order to online date?
probably not.

we have already determined that i am not 'most people' though, haven't we? :)

so i got a few emails from a few guys that were not horrible, and i emailed them back.
i also daringly initiated emails with a couple guys as well..... that almost killed me.
the thought of rejection..... i have never dealt well with that. and there is a STRONG possibility that i will get rejected in this process..... ALOT!

say a silent prayer for me that i get some sleep, restful sleep this time, and that tomorrow work in my cluttered office with fresh paint and no carpets will go more smoothly than it did today.