haunted

i dont know what i want to write today because i dont know how i am feeling.
i spent a day with my heart in my throat.
i spent a day reminding myself that it is over.
i spent a day feeling as though i wanted to throw up.
i spent a day not crying at all.... but still feeling somber and lonely and exhausted.
i decided today to leave one day early for the cape, so we will leave tomorrow instead of wednesday. my choice comes from the fact that nothing up there will be a memory of my ex ... because we never went to the cape together, we only spoke of it.
all my memories will be of my son and my friend jean and my ex husband scott. if i stay here... the longer i stay here.... i just cant get out of this funk.
i am hoping that after a few days of being somewhere that i love so much and i have no memories of my ex unless a song comes on the radio here and there, after these few days i have such hope that i can really heal my heart and really move on.

i still miss his friendship and want to tell him everyday.
but i still keep reminding myself two things
1) he broke up with me and he said 'i'll call you sometime' and i have to leave it in his court at least for now
2) he really does need this time, if he meant what he said when he broke up with me, my feelings for him run so deep that i have to respect that and give him the time, lots of time.

so i dont call.

oh and 3) i fear the reaction i would get if i did call, because it is pretty much 90/10 that i would not get the warm reaction i dream of each day, it would probably be cold and rushed, not enough time has gone by to warrant kind and warm..... it is all still too new. after enough time.... even i would not care if his reaction was kind and warm or not because i would be ok with my surroundings at that point. after enough time, i probably wont even want to call anymore.

i know i need to be ok with me, and i am really. i can do anything i set my mind to.
i can do anything.
it is just the sadness, the death of this relationship that haunts me. that is exactly how i feel .... haunted by it.
it is no longer there and alive in my life, it has died.
all that is left behind is the residual haunting, going thru the motions in my head day after day.

on some positive notes.... i gave a friend a tour of my town today and it was fun to tell all i knew about the good spots and the bad spots in town.... tell some stories.... feel useful.

i am almost done packing and the weather is supposed to be great at the cape so i cant wait to sit on that deck and read in the sun. that thought always makes my heart light.

this vacation is going to cost me probably my very last penny of savings but it is much needed and i cant wait to get there.

i have some good books to read, thanks to my friends, and lots of magazines to catch up on. i enjoy it up there so much, and i need this time.
i cant wait for the day when i dont think of my ex at all, instead of thinking of him 200 times a day..... well not that much but probably..... 15 times a day.
i cant wait for the day when i am no longer kicking myself for something i had no control over.

so tomorrow i finish packing, divide up my pennies so i can last the week up there, drop off the dog at the vets, say goodbye to mom and hop in the car and go.

tonight i will crawl into bed with my ghosts in my head and close my eyes and try to swipe them away with my dreams.