anxious

well today i a have this horrible anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. i try each day to just start anew and my head keeps coming back to the same old memories. (notice i said old, that is a step in the right direction)
i go from being lonely.... to missing him in my life... to remembering that this is a good thing that it ended without me getting even more hurt if he cheated on me.... then to what about the rest of my life .....then to i miss him again .....then to i have to forget, but i dont want to forget.

tears well up but they dont fall much anymore, this is a good sign.
i am writing this just as i am about to go out the door but i needed to write to get this anxious feeling out of me. there is the tension between my shoulder blades that i was feeling at the beginning of all of this.
i want that to end. i want all the hurt and pain and tears to end.

i still think of him each day and wonder how he is. but i dont call or text.
i still miss everything about him, but i dont act on any feelings that i have by calling. i try to just move on. this is really the hardest time i have ever had in my life. even when my ex-husband died it was not this difficult for this long. maybe because death is so permanent, while both parties are still here in this instance, and it is so incomprehensible that someone would end something so 'right'.
i feel i have a very high standard set now, and no one will ever live up to the standards i was accustomed to with my ex. then i feel no one is ever going to even be interested in me so why bother..... the jumble of emotions i have are HUGE and CRAZY.
well i should probably get to work.... i hope this anxious feeling goes away soon.... and the tears and the pain.... the whole thing....
i want to get BETTER now please!