so last night confirmed my fear and loathing of bars. after a roller coaster of a week, ending up on top, i decided since i have no date and i have no friends who were around and available last night that i would look up a local club, the hungry tiger, to see who was playing. because the guitar player was someone who went to my high school i figured this was a sign that i should dare to go alone. i was pretty much assured of their music by looking at their myspace page and i was assured of the age group of the attendees because when the band is my age and they play 70's and 80's rock it is a pretty good bet i will not be in a room filled with 20-somethings.
so i headed out.
on my own.
put on makeup and combed my hair even! i decided to wear my beautiful tiffany bracelet that my ex gave me because i have a slight tan and it looks pretty. this is the first time since he dumped me that i was able to put it on and leave it on. i wore it because it was a pretty bracelet, not because it stood for his love for me that i used to have ... but no longer have in my life.
it was weird to be out alone and i knew NO ONE in the bar. i got there just as they were finishing their first set so i went outside rather than mill around and not talk to anyone. i called two of my friends and then someone i knew was walking in. he basically gave me a hug hello and said about two sentences and then went to be with the people he knew. but it was nice to see a familiar face even for a few minutes.
i stayed for the next set and left when it was over. i left at midnight, not buzzed at all from my two beers and not tired.
oh well, it was a busted trip that wasted $20 that i really did not have to waste.... but i did it anyway to get out there, rather than stay home alone. i needed to do it, it was part of me coming out of my cocoon and starting to turn back into the butterfly that i need to be to live my life freely and happily.
so now i start to think of how i will get out there and not be around drunk people who are not interested in even looking at me. i am going to talk to my priest to see if i can represent the church at the chamber of commerce meetings, that would be a good social group of responsible adults. and i will look into the online dating thing again too.... it just scares me a bit, and it is costly.
i hate that i have to try so hard. i hate that i had something so wonderful without even trying and now it is gone. i hate that he did not call me back, but i need to be a bit angry about it all. i hate that my old happiness was SO HAPPY and now i have to TRY to be happy.
i hate being lonely.
and i am lonely.
not just alone.
i am much better at hearing the songs that meant something to me.... even 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me'..... i still cried but i turned it around in my head and sang it to my son, because he is the best thing that ever happened to me. i would not be much of anything if i were not josh's mom. that is my lot in life and i think i do it well..... so far.
so today, i will look into the chamber of commerce and i will look into match.com and try not to be scared. i will work on a scholarship for josh that is due in just a few days. and i will smile and be happy i am alive.... because really that is what it comes down to.
breathing or not breathing.
i choose breathing today!
so i headed out.
on my own.
put on makeup and combed my hair even! i decided to wear my beautiful tiffany bracelet that my ex gave me because i have a slight tan and it looks pretty. this is the first time since he dumped me that i was able to put it on and leave it on. i wore it because it was a pretty bracelet, not because it stood for his love for me that i used to have ... but no longer have in my life.
it was weird to be out alone and i knew NO ONE in the bar. i got there just as they were finishing their first set so i went outside rather than mill around and not talk to anyone. i called two of my friends and then someone i knew was walking in. he basically gave me a hug hello and said about two sentences and then went to be with the people he knew. but it was nice to see a familiar face even for a few minutes.
i stayed for the next set and left when it was over. i left at midnight, not buzzed at all from my two beers and not tired.
oh well, it was a busted trip that wasted $20 that i really did not have to waste.... but i did it anyway to get out there, rather than stay home alone. i needed to do it, it was part of me coming out of my cocoon and starting to turn back into the butterfly that i need to be to live my life freely and happily.
so now i start to think of how i will get out there and not be around drunk people who are not interested in even looking at me. i am going to talk to my priest to see if i can represent the church at the chamber of commerce meetings, that would be a good social group of responsible adults. and i will look into the online dating thing again too.... it just scares me a bit, and it is costly.
i hate that i have to try so hard. i hate that i had something so wonderful without even trying and now it is gone. i hate that he did not call me back, but i need to be a bit angry about it all. i hate that my old happiness was SO HAPPY and now i have to TRY to be happy.
i hate being lonely.
and i am lonely.
not just alone.
i am much better at hearing the songs that meant something to me.... even 'you're the best thing that ever happened to me'..... i still cried but i turned it around in my head and sang it to my son, because he is the best thing that ever happened to me. i would not be much of anything if i were not josh's mom. that is my lot in life and i think i do it well..... so far.
so today, i will look into the chamber of commerce and i will look into match.com and try not to be scared. i will work on a scholarship for josh that is due in just a few days. and i will smile and be happy i am alive.... because really that is what it comes down to.
breathing or not breathing.
i choose breathing today!
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