my head is swimming
not sure what to write
work is hectic and i am on vacation in one week, yay!
i hope to see lots of jim while the kids are at school.
i had a few glasses of wine with jean tonight and i am feeling calm
calm is good
josh is getting ready for bed
we did not argue at all today
it was a tough day for me
a bit of weeping several times today
i have been fixed so i dont have my period anymore but damn if i dont get really emotional once in a while.... i will blame the ovaries.... they are still in there.

just a quick one before work
getting depressed about having to wait to be let into his life.... i cant understand why god would let me meet someone who is so perfect for me and then not let me be with him
am i being punished for bad things i have done in the past.... i just dont understand and it is getting me down.... alot.
i understand that he needs to feel secure with me, but i just scream take a chance on me!

sally, dont do it. you are better than that, you deserve better. dont let your being lonely and vulnerable pull your walls down. you deserve better. i love you!

work is piling up and i just never get ahead.... what i do accomplish i do well, and then there is always a pile that needs to be done. i hope i can buckle down today and get some extra done.

i cant wait for the day when jim wakes up and says
today is the day

and in the end
the love we take
is equal to the love
we make

for some reason that song is in my head today... maybe to calm me the hell down
i am already riled up and nothing has happened yet.
i think i am anticipating the work on my desk... and not liking it at all

i hope that today when i speak to josh he will be polite and respect me
but i am not holding my breath.... i might die.

looking forward to seeing jim soon, i hope.
no plans in the works as usual... but maybe we can start to talk about it today.
with any luck, the stars will align for us :)

i really really dont want to go to work. my eyes hurt for some reason .... i am sick, cough cough
i should stay home cough cough.....
HA! that would never happen!

i am SO grouchy
my car cost me $400 and i still have over $850 in more work that has to be done on it
argh!!!
and josh is a pain in the ass
i had to punish him tonight and i stuck to my guns on it.
kept him from going to scouts
he was and is so rude to me and i just dont know what to do about it cause he does not respect what i have to say as authority
and i have not heard from jim
he is/has been at a reception for his friend who passed away
we emailed all morning till almost noon and then he went. i got a call from him around 3;30 telling me he had left the elks and was going to a friends house.... never heard back, left 2 msgs
i think i am most upset because if the mom took the kid, and he did not call me to be with him i will be pissed cause the mom has not taken the kid in pretty close to a month and this could be the last time for another month!
i am hoping he has her and is just asleep and if that is the case i wont be upset... but if i dont get to see him for weeks on end cause of this i will be pissed
i am ok with the relationship parameters most days but when it comes to the mother taking the kid.... i get testy.
she is so fucking lame
i cant believe it
i seriously think she took her overnight around a month ago and before that it was definitely weeks, not days.
well.... maybe i can see him for lunch sometime soon.....

anyway. .... i have had a few glasses of wine and i just dont even care anymore.
i am sure if he did not have his daughter he would call me .... no matter what time it was... cause that's how he rolls.
so i assume he is home with her asleep.

i am almost done with my nightly computer activities.... i check my mail, i go on facebook, i do my blog and then i read my blogs i follow....
then i will go to sleep.

i wish i had some wonderful poetic thing to say, but it is just not in me tonight... too much anger at josh and my car i think

ok so i decided not to tell jim about the blog
at least not yet
jean convinced me that this is a good place to vent and i might need to vent about him
so .... best keep it between just 'us' for now :)

mom has to have another procedure, problems with circulation in her legs apparently
she has to go to a vascular doc next week and will probably have an MRA, like and MRI but different, how so, i have no idea yet.

i asked what the treatment for this problem is and they said there are many different treatments and they depend on the specific results of the MRA so again, no idea what the treatments are.

i tend to freak out about mom.
i am the doctor/nurse/nutritionist daughter in the family.
i worry about her. i dont want to loose her
and every time she has a procedure i know that she might not come out of it.... either the same, or come out of it at all.

i look at jim who misses his mom so much, when i tell him how i get angry with my mom he tells me, he understands cause he used to get upset with his mom too but now, he would give anything in the world to have her back aggravating him again.

looking around me again i am disgusted with the unorganized mess that i live in. i wish i had the time to get it together. working 7-5 m-f is a pain in the ass. you never get anything done.

ok i am done being grouchy, gonna go surf for a while.

so i am still arguing with josh
i just want to slap him, but i dont
i look at pictures of when he was 2 and i know that was when he loved me
well, i know he loves me now too but it just drives me NUTS being his mom
he is such a freaking smarty pants and i am so sick of it all.
everything with him is an argument, everything with him is an i told you so

breathe deep.....

so i am wondering when i will tell jim that i am a crazy person and have a blog.... i will have to go thru it and delete all the posts with him in them and start sterile from here forward.... hmmm
me sterile.... what a concept.

earlier today i was near tears, i just feel like everything i do is a chore, is a job, is a huge project, is a headache.... everything.
nothing is easy.
i am sure it is all me, but that is the way i am feeling lately.

up early to put streaks in my hair
so i have about 15 minutes to sit and think about things
i have another busy morning..... church, basically but i will be there till noon time i am sure.
i hope to be able to see jim but yesterday he was so pissed about his situation that i am afraid today he might shut me out for a while.
that is what he does, deals with his problems himself
and if he cant be with me, because of circumstances out of our control, he may just not call for a long time.... i dont know.
i am not holding my breath about seeing him today, it did not look good yesterday, so i dont see how things might change today.
might help laurel a bit today if i cant see jim
not sure just yet
jim always comes first....

so i sent an email and will call around 9:30 and then i wait...
i leave my days open just in case i can see him, he tried for yesterday and it fell thru
i hope he tries for today as well

so i miss jim
i soooo look forward to the future when i can see him when ever i want.
i have no idea when he will get to the point where he does not think that i will crush his heart and his daughters heart.... but i hope it is soon

had a nice evening with patrick with some wine and pasta dinner! ate enough meatballs and salad to sink a ship, but a bit of pasta too
i need to hit atkins hard.... and soon.

another one of those weekends
crazy busy and no jim, at least not today
i am surprisingly ok with it so far
i think i am understanding him more and understanding that he is
totally into me and he just has a bad babysitter situation going on.
i think this is a good thing on my part.

he is having a bad day and i just wish i could be there to help him with his spirits
but that will come in time.

gonna go visit patrick for a while
have to pick up josh at 8 and have to get my 'to go' dinners from the scouts
pasta... that i cant eat :)

busy crazy weekend
went to the lesson and then to the cemetery out in stafford
it is the 3 year anniversary of josh's dad passing away
we were arguing this morning but then he turned for the better and tried to make up with me after an argument
by the time we got to stafford it was like the teenage fueled feeling had extinguished themselves and we were friends again.
we sat for a while on the big steep hill that scott is buried on. josh of course did not have his coat so we sat huddled together. i asked him what he was thinking about and he said ... hugs.
i KNOW that it upset him beyond belief to not have given his dad one more hug before he left us.
he was glad that we went and we just sat there quietly and thought to ourselves. that is usually what we do when we go there.
after that i treated him (and me) to roy rogers, cause that one in vernon is the only one around here... we had to drive right by on the way home.
i had a chocolate milkshake and i feel like it was far too decadent and i should not have done it, oh well, too late.

just waiting now for 3:30 when josh has to be at the pasta dinner.... and will probably do some laundry in between.
jim is trying to arrange a date for us, but it is not looking good right now.
oh well, it will happen eventually. i am sure of it.

ok i am much much better now
i did not write cause it hurt too much, i had a
horrible uti and it was the worst i have had in a long long time
but it is getting better now, much better so i am feeling human again
except for the approx 500 carbs i had in the cranberry juice i drank yesterday
i have to start atkins all over after that... go back into induction i am sure

weekend is here, i have no plans to see jim yet but i have requested a playdate again...
i hope we can do it.

work is going to be a bear since i left unexpectedly yesterday at 3

mom has a flu shot today, still no word from the cardiologist about the test results.

i hate waiting

my hair is too dark
i dont like it
will have to put a few light streaks in it to break it up....eek!

my concerns today
1) hope jim is ok with the news about his friend
2) hope i can get lots of work done today to put me back on track for month end
3) need some sleep, need to catch up
4) need to fix my hair, not happy with the color.... but the gray is gone and that was the main objective i guess

off to straighten.... i hate that part.

coloring my hair
going back to the medium ash blonde and will put some highlights into it in a couple days
hope it does not look like shit
i loved that perfect 10 cause it was done in 10 minutes but you have to recolor your hair every 2 weeks and it cost twice as much as the regular stuff
trying so hard to organize, weed out and make my place lovely
i want to walk into it and be happy with it
i just signed another year lease and i want so much to walk in and have that cottage-y feel
jim has a friend who had an aneurysm and is in a vegetative state on life support waiting for friends and family to arrive. he is with his friends grieving this loss. i feel bad, aneurysms and heart attacks scare me the most. they come out of nowhere and take someone from you when you least expect it. and most times there is no warning for either.

i am not ready for winter, i am not even ready for fall, i hate the cold especially cause i dont have good layers and sweaters. and shoes bug me in the cold weather, i am great with sandals etc but in the weather when your feet have to be covered, 9 times out of 10 i wear sneakers and i hate that, it is so lazy to do that

work is hectic and month end is coming... i hope that i can get my act together by the end of the week.

as i get ready for my day at work i look at where i am and think
wow, did i ever think i would have such a great guy in my life this time a year ago....
a year ago i had not met pete yet and i was still struggling with if i wanted to be with zeke forever or not
he is a great guy but just not a great boyfriend, for me really. he is too set in his ways. and not into what i was looking for in the future
pete was a train wreck in my life that needed to happen
to experience the good
and to experience the extreme hurt, i think i would not be the same person today if i was not devastated by pete in march.
weeding out the match.com-ers this spring and summer was also something i needed to do.
and thank my lucky stars that i found jim.
i had seen his profile before but because he was a smoker i did not do anything... but on that last hurrah when i contact all those people 3 days before my subscription expired, i just thought, if nothing sticks this time, i am giving up for a while.
he was the first to respond and he started emailing me and we have not stopped since ;)
last night he called me at 2:30 in the morning because he had woke from a nightmare and could not remember what the dream was.... he wanted to talk to me.
i felt so happy that he had done this.... it sounds stupid, but to be there for him when he was in a panic state, for him to get his phone from the other room and call me just to hear my voice, means alot to me.
i am off to work, have to go to westboro court today (hopefully for the last time) for small claims... i hope it is a nice day for a ride.....

i sooo dont want to go to work today
the weekend was not long enough
but as the days go on, my responsibilities are diminishing.... thank god
really,laurel is moved and i just have to help her with a few loads to the church after next weekend.
i need to focus on where i live and make it more homey cause i walk in here and i hate it
i think i need to rearrange the furniture or something drastic like that
i want to be happy with it by the time thanksgiving rolls around. and i have 8 or 10 extra people in it... aah!
i would love to entertain more but who would i entertain really?

i am doing my hair curly today, i have not got the energy to make it straight and i know i wont see jim for a few days at this point anyway.
i cant wait for his daughter to sleep at her mom's again, i have no idea when it will be but i bet she will do it at least once in the next 30 days..... whoo hooo, something to look forward to. hopefully it wont be a school night, but most likely it will be :)

i am in a much better place, having seen jim for a good amount of time and was able to talk to him about 'things' and be reassured that he still wants me in his life and still thinks i am the cats meow... he did not use those words, i did. ;)

so i saw jim today
told him how i was feeling and he told me i was crazy to think like that
he told me he would make it happen today and he did
i got reassurance from him that he still is attracted to me and still wants to be with me and i told him that i was worried that he would never let me into his life.
he reassured me again that it was totally him and it has nothing to do with me or who i am or how i act or anything like that. he has been hurt before and he is just waiting until he feels more secure i guess in his head.
he is still crazy about me, and misses me when i am not with him.
we had a nice visit for about 3 hours and i am happy with that.

been playing on facebook and trying to scan some pics from the wedding so i could email them to jean and jim.
it worked but my scanner is crap.

i dont look forward to work tomorrow, i still have piles but i am getting there.... will have to do payroll first thing.... ugh!

so i feel like throwing up today and it is not from the wine at the party
this is what i am thinking is going to happen, and it is a sinking feeling

i think jim is going to break up with me today because he will say that he does not
have time to see me enough to keep me happy... or something like that.

i just have this feeling that is going to happen, and it makes me very very sad

i feel this because after we spoke at 2 yesterday when he told me he could not get a sitter, i called at 4:30 and around 6 and around 8:30..... tried the office first which was not switched to the cell and then tried the cell which went to vm each time.

sure the other explanation could be that his phone died while he was out and he did not get the missed calls or the messages until too late or this morning and he could call me today and everything will be fine.....
my explanation is he was screening the calls and did not want to deal with me

yes, i know this is my doomsday attitude and it is bringing me down, but i cant tell you how i feel right now, it just feels like doomsday to me.
i have to get ready for church and then do my mom's shopping afterward.... i am sure i will be checking my phone alot until he calls.,....
the way we left it was that he was going to make it happen for today... somehow....

we shall see.

so why is it that i cant have anything good?
i am a good person
i go to church
i do TONS for my church
i am a great loyal friend and will do anything to help my friends
i am crazy about my boyfriend

what have i done in this world to not let me have anything really good
when i met jim i thought oh my god this is so different this is so great
every time i am with him it is wonderful
but today after we spoke at around 2 i have not heard back from him at all and i left 3 messages
by the way, i am done.
that is enough messages, dont ya think?
i have no idea why he would not call me back... unless he was not at home. at his friends house and then home late... i dont know, i have no idea... it is not my job to guess or speculate
tomorrow is church and if i dont hear from him by noon i will just start cleaning my house.... what the hell else do i have to do.

jeff was not the first person to ask me, but he did ask me tonight if i am sure i am not the other woman. my first response is i am not the other woman, then i said i am the other woman to his daughter, then i just thought about it and i dont want to think about such things.

if i cant believe what i thought i believed about him then what is my life coming to.... how can i second guess what i was so sure of.
i just need to see him and talk to him
he said he will make it happen tomorrow but who knows really.
i hope that he does but i have no idea.

i only doubt myself because that is the natural thing for me to do. i think that i am not worth anything good, so i assume that i fucked something up or that something is wrong.
but we know this.... this is how i roll .... this is what i do....

no jim today
could not get a sitter
still not ready for me to be introduced
i was upset, but mainly cause i was looking forward to it so damn much

i am over it now, helped laurel unpack all day and it got my mind off it
will go to jean's party in a few minutes too

i am so sick of people asking me where he is and i always say he has his daughter
i am so sick of people telling me i am wasting my time
i really like him, and it has only been 3 months, i really think he is worth the wait
i just hope the wait is not too long.

said he will make it happen for tomorrow so i have alternate plans for josh so far.
have not heard from grammy jean about lunch so i guess we are off for that event as well
josh wants to go to the cemetery to see his dad, but not sure if that will happen tomorrow or not.

i hate being alone in the apartment, it is lonely and sad.... and messy....

going to help laurel move in and then i get to see jim for the afternoon
i cant wait
i feel i have to defend myself about jim to my friends sometimes because i think
they think i am crazy to be seeing him (but not get to see him) for this long

i cant explain it well
but i am so happy with him
we are a great match
i just know it will be worth the wait, and i pray that i dont have to wait too much longer

what is a few months of waiting for a good thing
when i waited years while being stuck in a bad thing.
the reward is great, i can wait

this is an odd sad time of year for me/us
this is when scott died, actually my dad died at the end of august and scott died in the end of october and the fall brings sad memories to me

been thinking of the musical 'into the woods' these days
there is a song 'no one is alone'

there is a part where the mother dies and leaves the father with the child and she speaks to him from the grave.... he does not know what to do with the baby and she tells him to just calm the child, be mother and father you'll know what to do......

sometimes people leave you
halfway thru the wood
others may deceive you
you decide what good
you decide alone
no one is alone

----
another song is 'children will listen'

careful the things you say
children will listen
careful the things you do
children will see
and learn


i love that show
-----
going to help laurel with the final move tomorrow morning
then going to spend the afternoon with jim
i cant wait to see him
then jeans chili party at night
i wish he could be there with me too but i know he cant get a sitter

i made some kickass cornbread with spicy sugar on top of it for the party
test ran it on patrick, he said it was great.

gonna be in pictures soon, patrick is putting me online on photosynth.... eek!

mom is having a test today for circulation in her legs and i am scared
we wont know the out come till the doc reads it
josh is going camping this weekend
i miss jim
work is hectic and i have to leave at 2:30 for the day today because of mom's test
my head is spinning
i just want a nap
laurel is finally moving tomorrow and i will help her from about 10am till maybe 1 or 2 and then i will get ready for jeans party at 6, have to make cornbread and salad.
josh is back sunday, might go to the cemetery, he expressed interest in that and seeing auntie joan
just wish i knew i could see jim at some point soon.

so all i can do is continue on the way i have been
all i can do is be myself
all i can do is continue to care and give 110% as i have done since day one

my fear is that he will feel he does not have time to give a relationship
and he will break up with me
this is a big fear for me
i have never met anyone who makes me as happy as he does
i have never met anyone who really likes me, all of me, for who i am

i hope that the past three months (almost) cant be erased
and that he still wants me in his life

i debated my good morning email to him, typed 3 versions, one supportive, one worried, and one treating today like any other day and wishing him a good day and tell him i am thinking of him and cant wait till we can be together again.... i went with the third.
why is today any different than yesterday... it's not really.

so i will move on and hope i get alot done today at work, wait to see how he is today and deal with it from there.
i have alot in my head and it is swimming around and i am feeling like i want to cry
i just want to take a deep breath in and focus....

well the kid is his and he is down
i feel very odd and vulnerable about it all
i still feel that i could loose him at any moment....
even tho i know how he feels about me
----
wrote this in my head today while seeing the foliage


crisp leaves
of browns and golds and reds
the mountains and hills that
blended into our vision all summer long
now stand out
they are speckled with candy colors
bright and sunny day
the reds are much more red than any other day
the orange much more fiery
the tall grasses that were once green and lush
are now brown and crisp under my feet
as i walk
the smell in the air is cool and refreshes me

so i think i am ok today
i hope so at least
i am overworked and under a pile of paperwork that it seems will never go away
i still need to train nancy on some tasks and i never seem to have the time
mom has a cardiologist apt today, i hope that they will say she is ok

the pressure i am feeling from Friends and family asking how jim is and if i have met his daughter yet is mounting. i know no one means to add pressure but when 5 people ask in one day it seems on my end that i am feeling the pressure.
by the time i get to the last person of the day, my mood is not so sweet anymore and i tend to have a snappy attitude about it.

i must keep reminding myself we are both busy people, and it has only been..... almost 3 months.... wow.... i am going to officially invite him and his daughter to thanksgiving at my house, but who knows how that will land.

all i know is it is like when we first met and we never get to see each other and it SUCKS

josh and i got along pretty well last night... he is going camping this weekend and this will be good for him.
but i will be lonley i am sure.....

there is a time frame
when you both are too busy to breath
and you have not seen each other in days
and you have not spent any amount of time together in weeks
this is the time that i get sad
it is my sickness
wondering what he is thinking and going thru
wondering if things are still ok
not knowing because i cant be with him
and i cant talk to him longer than a few minutes at a time
seeming in my head and my heart that it will be months and months
before i am let into his life totally
maybe it really wont be months and months but at this point
it seems so

this is a torture that i do to myself
and i am totally aware of this
and yet i still do it
it is not like i dont have a million things to keep me busy
and i have a million things on my mind
but i still worry
i still get sad
this is me
this is how i roll
--------------

anyhoo.... busy freaking day at work today
i am freaking out
i hope that i can sleep tonight.

i am not looking forward to a weekend alone again.
yes i have jeans party on saturday night
but josh will be camping and the chance of seeing jim is as
usual, slim to none.

that freaking mother
if i ever meet her.....
grrrrr..... she sucks

hey i'm so slow, i just realized i have 1 follower, so when i clicked on it... guess who it was.... go ahead... guess, you will never never guess in a million years.... come on.... guess.....
it is PATRICK!
:)

so i had a nice long talk with sally tonight, she is doing better than the last time i spoke with her, and i am so glad about that. i love to talk with her, i am so glad for our friendship....

no news from the sick house.... i am sure he and his daughter are sleeping/throwing up/aching together as we speak.

my eyes are itchy and i dont know why, it started around 4pm and have not gotten better yet... probably the damn leaves falling from the trees this time of year.

did my budget tonight... eek.....
it is gonna be a rough year.

looking forward to seeing jim soon, but i have no idea when... that damn mother never takes the kid so my time with him is like a crap shoot. blow on the dice baby, and throw lucky 7's....

feeling totally sleepy
my boss is out so i have to do more stuff this week than usual
i am sure i can handle it.
need some food i am starving!
josh has a lesson with eric for the cello tonight, but not sure what time yet.... might
have to call him to find out.... and i have to scrape up the $25 for the lesson too...eek!
these lessons are killing me... but i know that is how he is gonna get into college
so i will keep finding a way.

i could use a nap.... i had an un-restful night
hope to see jim soon, was going to go last night but he has the flu or some strange bug and i stayed home instead... just as well cause i cant be sick this week at work.

do more before noon than the average person does all day.... thats how i roll
been up since 7
did 4 loads of laundry and put it all away, had some breakfast
reset the altar between services and i will go back at 11:30 to clear it
meeting wendy for lunch at noon at union st.
then i hope hope hope i can see jim today
but i know i wont be able to......
his batteries are dying on his phone all the time
that is my lifeline to him.... i hope he gets a charger or new phone or something!
(those of us in the know will get the reference of a bandaide or medicine or something!)

still have to do my hair and make up.... that takes sooo freaking long and i hate to do it but i have to... cant go out in public like this!!

trying to focus on cleaning and weeding out this weekend.... maybe i will make some progress since i wont be able to see my boyfriend most likely.
really ticks me off, the weekend is for spending time with your boyfriend and i can never do it....
but i keep reminding myself,.... he is worth the wait
just dont know how much longer i will have to wait, and what will be running thru his head the day he decides to introduce me that is any different than anything running thru his head any other day..... hmmmm....
i guess he will just know when it happens
hoping for soon.....
not holding my breath.... i want to live!
just call me patience!

my head is spinning
i did the craft fair today, i sold $28
UGH!
i am ready to give this shit up
last week it was like $37, this week $28
i know i make good items, i cant tell you how many people picked up this one bracelet and said this is beautiful... and put it down and never came back
i dont think my prices are too high or too low
i think this is the wrong economy to be selling something frivolous like jewelry.
maybe at the holidays, people will buy for others..... who knows
all i know is i just dumped another $300 into this business thinking i was actually going to sell some stuff these last few weeks.
UGH!

no jim today but i did talk to him a few times, i enjoy that alot too. but i miss being with him.

the professor texted me last night when i was visiting jean. he did it the 'real' way so that i could reply to it.
it said something like thinking about you, can we go to dinner yet?
i did not reply... first of all because it was friday night at 8:30 and i should have been out on a date! so i did not reply
but i did today and i wrote thank you for thinking of me, but i am seeing someone now.
or something like that.
no reply, i did not expect one really.

i started cleaning and that usually means making a mess in one spot cause you are cleaning another.... so i got sick of it and stopped. it is already almost 8:30 and i have lost the desire to much of anything.
gonna go sit on the sofa and have a glass of wine.

seems like i never write any more
i need to just shoot off what is on my mind most each day
1) never get to see jim, but i tell him how much that sucks so he is aware of it, so is everyone else i talk to. cant wait for him to let me into his life and then this wont be a worry of mine anymore.
2) money, money sucks, i have none and i hope i sell some jewelry today at the craft fair so that i can pay a few bills
3) arguing with josh all the time, i know it is the age but it is driving me NUTS

wish me luck today!

off to work again
i am getting a handle on things, training nancy more, working with payroll
things are coming together
missing jim but we talk every day so at least i get to talk to him ;)
thinking about sally, hoping she is well, need to call her soon and chat for a while
saw kim last night, had our usual deep conversations about the family
i always enjoy seeing her and i am so glad we got our relationship back
have not had time to just sit and talk with jean in a while, maybe we can catch up soon
met patrick for a beer last night on the way home from enfield, that is always fun too

totally busy, but that is good
i need to keep my mind off the fact that i cant see jim as much as i want to
if i am busy it does not stand out so much in my mind
still trying to loose those few pounds i put on since the wedding.... having lots of trouble sticking to atkins these days....

new day
good attitude
this is a good thing

i slept ok, till 4am, which is how i roll these days
going to church to teach the high school kids
then to the gem show with gladys to spend money to make money, or so they say

then i hope to see jim, but i have to keep in mind that it might not happen, so i wont be disappointed when it does not happen, and i will be thrilled when it does happen.
it seems like we are back the way we were when we first started dating, having to wait a long time to see each other and not knowing when that might be.
for instance, jeans party in a few weeks, i would highly doubt that he will be able to go, because if he did, it would be a fluke. the only reason he made it to the wedding was because he jumped thru hoops to make it happen, i am glad he did that, it meant alot to me but he cant do that all the time .... and that part sucks
i just keep reminding myself that in 6 months time, and he is worth the wait, things will not be like this anymore.... or so i hope.

something is upsetting me ..... i worry that the few people that have met him, dont like him very much. some peoples opinions i dont really care about but others i do.
i fear this is because he has this "ON" personality that he uses when he is in public or crowds. i am sure it is from years of having to schmooze with people, being a club owner for years, and being the go-to guy for alot of things... but he does not use his "ON" personality with me, ever.
and i dont want my close friends and family to not like him because of this.
when we are together he is soft spoken and very caring, sure he drops the "F" bomb left and right but so do i so that does not bother me at all.
i just dont want to be the girl who shows up at the party and they all say, oh amy's here, oh shit she brought that guy with her again.

i guess people should not judge from one or two meetings and especially until they can see him with is "off" personality.
maybe i should not have written this, and really what people think of me or him will not change the way i think of him..... so i dont want to give them the power.
i may retract this post later but this is how i feel right now.
and i dont like even having to deal with this
i was married to the guy that everyone said, oh amy's here, oh shit she brought that guy with her again.... scott had that annoying "ON" personality too.
maybe i attract that
is there a neon sign above my head?
if there was... you would tell me right?

whatever......

ok first of all i will apologize for the TOO MUCH INFORMATION of last nights blog, i just wanted to share my pain with you all
(sorry to offend gene :)
anyway, good news, i dont have one of "those things" so i am ok today
jim had his daughter so i went about my business and went to see the stingrays in enfield, it was nice, lots of people there i knew so i had several people to talk to.
stayed for two sets and headed home.
i have to teach the kids tomorrow at youth group, actually i think we are making posters for the 'rock a thon'
it benefits south park inn or some food bank or something having to do with hungry people.
they get pledges and they rock in rocking chairs for 12 hours in teams of two. they like it.
it is a fun group of kids, totally sarcastic, my kind of people.
so it should be fun teaching them tomorrow
then i go to the gem show in springfield to spend my entire $37 dollars i made today (yeah i know, it sucks) plus alot more restocking my supplies so i can make more jewelry that wont sell.... seems like a redundant little circle i am in.
actually i have to get supplies for my home parties.... that way i can continue to have more of them. i think i will have at least two more before xmas.... that will help out a bit.

hoping tomorrow to get to see jim for a bit in the afternoon... but not sure just yet.
i am back in the mode that i used to be when i never saw him for like two weeks at a time... i know i will see him eventually and i know he is totally with me and i dont fear him cheating or anything silly like that.

i am sleepy but i hope i can sleep... ya know what i mean?
sometimes i just lay there for a long time. it sucks.

i'm cold but i am too cheap to turn the heat on yet
maybe i could close the window
that might help, huh?
josh is watching a movie i am not interested in at all
i am writing on the blog
and waiting for a sleepy jim to hopefully call me but i think he fell asleep
which is fine too cause he needs the sleep and there is always tomorrow.
think i might have a uti, i know i know too much information
just wanted to share my pain with you
not sure yet if i should call the doc for the antibiotics.....
i hate to think i have to sit thru a craft fair with a uti
that would SUCK!

at least i know if i call the doc they will call back within 30 minutes and i have a 24hour cvs on the other end of town, so if i have to call, meds are only about an hour away.
i will know soon....

so i have the fair tomorrow, i hope i sell some stuff cause i need to buy clasps at the gem show on sunday....
have a hair apt at 8, then will stop back for josh and then go to the fair.

well, jim just called and she is still up so he is gonna go to bed, i dont blame him, i will probably go soon too.

so now i have drama
i almost fucked it up with jim
he was going to get a sitter and it fell thru and i expressed my anger and disappointment in an email
which prompted him to reply with
asking me if i wanted to take a break for a while

HELL NO i do not
i am such an ass
i knew i would do something to fuck this up and i did
so much for being yourself... i should have stifled my feelings for few minutes until the anger passed
i called and said no i do not want to take a break and asked him if he wanted to and he said no
suggested that i come see him tonight after she is in bed but i dont think that will happen
i am cooking ribs and coloring my hair and having a glass of wine and going about my business cause i am waiting for him to call and i would not be surprised if he didnt call tonight just to have a break from me
i would...

i am so sad that i may have messed everything up by putting pressure on him to see him.... he does not need that pressure and hell, i can wait to see him. it is not like i dont have tons of shit i should be doing anyway....
i feel horrible, sick to my stomach, i want to cry and scream and tell him i am sorry and just move on with our relationship but i cant until he calls me back.
my hair is almost done so i will go rinse it and style it and get josh dinner and try to make earrings and watch tv and keep my mind off what a dumbass i was and how i may have messed up the one good thing i have had in years just with my sarcasm and anger and lack of tact.

i still got nuthin!
but on patricks suggestion.... i will widen my range and maybe i will find some emotion to write about elsewhere.....
i did make more jewelry last night, bigger ticket items made of all silver, i hope they sell, they are beautiful, maybe if i get my act together i will post a few pics.
the sad thing is, i am broke but after this sale on saturday i have to turn around and spend about $100 on supplies because i am low on clasps and if i have those parties, i have to have clasps. and the clasps are made of silver and silver is expensive... hence the $100!
it is a vicious circle really. i do make money, sometimes it just takes 6 months to turn it around.
argh!
i have to make lots of earrings and i have no idea when that will happen, i am never in the mood to make them and they go so quickly too.... maybe tonight, cause the chances that i will see jim two nights in a week lately are slim and none.
off to finish my makeup and head off to work. today is the first day of practice for the stage band so we shall see how that all works out for him.
i have to drop off and pick up cause the bass is not going on the late bus.... no way!!

i am having a hard time with this blog
i feel as tho i have failed it
i just cant seem to find the words in me to write like i used to
sure i used to ramble and babble on like a little brook in the woods
but still i was able to write about things i was so passionate about that i could hardly write without crying sometimes.
could i have written all i have to write
could i be done?
i hope not
writing is how i get my feelings out and it is how i express my 'art' if you will. i cant really draw and paint, (except letters) and i dont have much else to express creativity in my life.
i have always been able to write my feelings well, and get them out on paper or screen to get them out of my head.
but i just dont feel the need to write anymore, not like i did before.
when i was in pain, i wrote to express the pain and to get it out of me, to help me get over the pain
now i am no longer in pain.... but wait a few minutes, maybe there will be something down the road a bit..... that is a horrible thought.
my only thing that i really feel passionately about is the fact that i cant see jim whenever i want to see him. we have to get to the point where he is comfortable with me and with us so that he can introduce me to his daughter
and i do not want him to rush it because i dont want him to regret it later.
so in the mean time i have to wait around till that dumbass mother takes the kid and decides to keep her overnight. and who the hell ever knows when that will be... i certainly dont ever know and honestly neither does he!
so i will take my angst downstairs and work on jewelry for a bit before bedtime

so i am pretty tired today
i really need to get my act together for the craft fairs this weekend and next weekend
i hope i sell a bunch and get orders too, i need the money
looking forward to the next time i get to see jim, i hope that it is soon
running things thru my head about what i have to do today at work, picturing my desk and the way i left it yesterday afternoon.
told laurel i would help her a bit after work and before the open house at 7
i am trying to help out but be able to do it when i know there is no possibility of seeing jim
i know he has his meeting tonight and he might call me when it is over like last month, so i want to have my act together early enough in the day.
getting to be time to switch the closets too ... put all the summer stuff in the back closet and bring out the warm woolly stuff, switch shoes too.
that is a project i am not in the mood for.... that is usually the way it is with me, if i have something i need to do but someone else needs some help with something, i will choose to help rather than do my own. puts it off just a bit more and i am still being productive.
so off to do my hair, getting it cut saturday and i have to color sometime before then too..... eek!