perspective

i sit here looking at the piles of paperwork i have to go thru.... josh's upcoming travels have forms that need to be filled out and money to be spent... i have bills to be paid and junk mail to be tossed..... i need to get the bracelets to church with an invoice..... i need to put away everything from josh's sleep over.... laundry to put away too...... get ready for the kids party i have tomorrow at noon..... dishes to do..... and all of this needs to be done today!
aahhhh!!!!

it will most all get done too, i bet ya. that is how i roll.....

went out last night with a friend and had a really good time..... i am so confused..... i need to step back and not get emotionally involved with anyone right now.... i think i have too much on my plate to make a rational decision.... scott is still sick and cant come see me.... emails are more frequent but when i am not at my desk i dont get them as quickly.... phone calls are non existent because he lost his voice.... frank called last night but i did not take the call cause i was out.... not sure about that one.... there is really nothing there..... hard to have a conversation.... that is never a good sign.
anyway..... it does not really matter because i am stepping back.... i keep reminding myself of that.
i was sooooo close to falling in love with scott, i did not let myself and i am glad i did not because i would have felt so hurt by his actions.... and he did not mean any harm he was just doing what he needed to do.... but in my crazy head i would have taken it all personally because i would have been in love with him even though he was not in love with me and i would have been a wreck.... i am so glad that i held myself back.... there is no denying the connections..... we just have not spent any time together in 3 weeks and it is too hard to make any decisions on that....

i went from a year ago staying with zeke because i thought no one would ever want me again, no one would think i was attractive, no one would find me appealing at all..... to now.... each of these guys have done something after the first or second date that means they want to be with me.... without actually even asking me about how i feel.... one cancelled his membership to the online dating service, one told me that he did not want to continue dating other people to see where this all went, and the other wants to get me a parking sticker for his condo complex so i dont get towed... assuming i will be back over and over again (pretty safe bet on that one).

this is quite the pumping up for my self esteem if nothing else...... jean always told me i dont give myself enough credit, and i dont.... but this has helped me realize she is right (as usual :) ...and to date and have fun and enjoy peoples company is what it is all about.

i do have too much going on for one person..... i still never know how i do it every day.... yes my life appears to be in a shambles but everything gets done on time.... we (josh and i) are healthy and happy and have everything that we need to survive life here in windsor.....
i am going to go pick him up soon..... gonna jump in the shower now.... before all the chores have to get done!

which way is up

sometimes i dont know what i am doing
i dont know how all the things get done
i dont know how i keep my cool without crying

mom is home from the hospital...susan is spending the night with her.
she has a life alert now... i feel better about that.

my office is still a wreck and tomorrow is month end, thank god brian said we can hold the month for monday... i need the time to catch up.

my thought of a love life is upside down
i have stepped back and realized that i dont need to be emotionally involved with anyone right now... just date and have fun and enjoy others company and get to know people... see what it is that i think i want or need... if i even have a clue... which right now i dont.

it is 11:30 and i need some sleep..... come to me my little lorazapam....

calm

ok so i am moving on. i really really like scott but he is as unavailable as they come these days.... maybe it will work out someday in the future but right now it is not looking good.
met new people.... liking what i see.... hoping that something nice comes out of it all.
mom had her surgery today and it went off without a hitch.... THANK GOD!
i spent all day with her from 7:15 till 4:30..... susan is there now and cathy is going it at 10pm to relieve her.... i will go back at 7:00am to relieve cathy.... hopefully mom will be home tomorrow.
breathing easy right now.... that is a good thing....

better

ok today is a new day and i am not NEARLY as bitter as i was yesterday :)
about to go to my sisters cookout for a few hours.
scott finally emailed (not called, emailed because he lost his voice) abut 14 words and said he would try to call later.... hellloooo.... are they gonna keep you in georgia forever? i just dont get it.
my job is here, down the street, about 3 miles away..... i go in the morning and come back at 5.... been doing that for 25 years.... this travel and entrapment in training meetings makes no sense to me.
again, i have no reason to not believe every word that he says/writes to me..... but i think since friday at 10am i have not spoken to him at all and only had about 50 words in mails total.... well my emails were quite long.... but that is besides the point.

tonight i am meeting a friend around 7..... we shall see what that all brings..... nothing like being alone to bring out the optimism :)
when i asked scott if he wanted me to be his girlfriend he said well, it would be nice.... but he did not say 'yes', he did not say 'i thought you were my girlfriend'...... so we are still working on it apparently.
again i will say it..... i really really like him and would love it if this worked out, i just feel like i am up against it with him/his work/his shoulder/his unknown future.....

and again i will say that i would love to have a man be crazy about me, i would love to be pursued, rather than be the one who makes the calls and emails and texts first.
one time when i was much younger, mabye around 20, i was kind of seeing this guy who put a rose on my car windshield one day, i woke up to go to work and there is was with a note that said thinking of you.... shit.... that is what i want.... all the time..... hellllooo can anybody help me with that please????
(by the way thank you jay b., that was very sweet of you to do, and unfortunately for me, you were the first and last person to ever do that for me) so sad....

uh oh, this guy tonight does not like sarcasm.... how am i doing? i hope i am not too over the top for him.... but it is best to be myself right from the start.... if he is going to fall in love with me, he has to get to know the real me, right? HA!
i am hilarious... i crack myself up!

oh one more note before i go, the flyover sucked today at the parade.... they apparently got rid of the jets that they used to use, they are no longer housed at bradley anymore.... so we got helicopters.... let me just say, there are no goosebumps involved with a helicopter flyover.... no speed involved at all..... LAME!

bitter

ok so here's how i feel. a few glasses of wine into the wind. this is the most sincere a girl can be right?????
it is in his court. there is no fucking way that these people are keeping him so busy that he does not have at least two 10 minute breaks and a lunch and a dinner somewhere in there... and helllooo, i am the queen of going to the bathroom to make a phone call.... they dont follow you in there too do they????
anyway.... the ball is totally in his court and i am not calling or texting or emailing again until he does.... it has been since friday at 10am since he has last called.... he had a migraine and all that jazz and i have no reason to not believe him but for god's sake.... make a phone call to the girl who is crazy about you!!

anyway... i have missed writing on this blog and i needed to do it tonight. i am totally missing a relationship and was hoping for what i needed in scott but at this point i am just not so sure about it all.
there certainly is enough to keep me busy in my day to day life. this weekend i have had hardly a moment to stop and think.... never mind be sad or lonely.
the scout coffee stop is keeping me busy that is for sure.... and josh and shopping etc etc.

i have decided that what i want is someone who is TOTALLY into me. i know that is alot to ask but i give so freaking much it would be a refreshing change to have someone totally into me, making all the first calls, texts, emails.... coming by, asking me out.... all the good stuff.
why is it that i am always the one who is into the other person more than they are into me????

i am sick of that. what is wrong with me that someone cant be into me?
whatever!!
can you tell i am just a BIT bitter??

visit

tonight i am sleepy
went to dinner with patrick and kelly and their friend dan
it was a nice dinner, good time spent in conversation, a sofa was purchased.... not by me :)
i enjoy my time with these friends, it is good to have a group of people you can hang out with and just be comfortable.

scott is in georgia, i await his call telling me he has arrived.
hopefully he has his phone charger this time.... my hopes are that he will come home saturday or sunday at the latest, then we can still have some time together before the weekend is up.
i think i will go out with jean tomorrow night, because i am sure they wont send scott back tomorrow evening.... i would be shocked and thrilled if they did... but this is not how this company works.

looking forward to sleeping in a bit here and there this weekend.
i FINALLY got thru the pile on my desk today, it has been backed up for a couple weeks. it was an overwhelming sigh of relief when i got to the bottom of it..... of course now there is more work in it's place but that is ok with me.
at least i have a job :)
i feel wide awake, i think i will read for a while.
peace to all...

comments are good

i got a few comments today, not posted here but friends who had concerns or questions. i am fine. dont worry. i am going slow.
i cannot tell you why i dont just give up on this guy.... but there is something there that makes me stick around. little things.
i am certainly not in over my head here. and i dont see him enough to be consumed by him.
there is just something about him that makes me not want to give it up just yet. i somehow feel that it is worth my wait.
i may be totally wrong here. i may waste alot of time... but i hope not.
in the mean time i am able to focus on josh and my mom.
no it is not the type of relationship i wanted in my head, but it has the potential to be....
i know i probably sound stupid for staying with him for now.... but it is just what seems to fit in my head right now.
i dont know why, it just does.
i am in no rush, i have time, i can see how this pans out for now. in my head it seems that all will be revealed soon, like in a weeks time or so.... i think i can give it another week.

too much in my head

today i think i will just ramble.... just came home from a long scout meeting.... need a rest.... need a nap :)
need to spend time with my new man..... hope that this turmoil with his job ends this week.... big weekend coming up with scout commitments.... yay, cant wait.... can you hear the sarcasm in my voice.
i am worried about my mothers surgery, so many older people go in for surgery and never come out, or dont come out the same..... she is my only mom, sure, but she is also my friend and i would hate to loose her..... i know i can be grumpy sometimes but she is always there for me.....

i am missing affection.... need some affection from this new man in my life..... first week was great and then his job messed him all up and now we cant even plan a day together.... maybe this weekend..... last weekend he was in chicago and the weekend before that he hurt his back..... i am hoping for this weekend..... i have cancelled my memberships with the dating services.... they wont actually end until 7-29 but the cancellation has been made.... i did this because i think scott is someone i want to spend lots of time with..... he can be very depressed sometimes by this situation.... and i hope that this passes as soon as the job is no longer there causing him stress and pain in his life.
i just need the affection, the attention, you know.... the good stuff......

josh got his progress report and i need to touch base with the english and social studies teachers to see how he is really doing..... i decided to put the balance of the summer CTY program on my credit card .... decided that the good that will come from him being away from home with a bunch of other smart kids learning about something he really likes out weighs the money on my credit card..... might try to have the money taken from his restricted account but i have to send a letter to the probate court and have it approved.... i also put in an appeal asking for more money toward the scholarship as well from johns hopkins..... i hope it all pans out well for me....

work is a drag.... i cant seem to get into anything there..... everything is a bother to me.... too much on my mind in my personal life.... i will feel better when this weekend is over and i have been able to spend some time with scott.... i will feel better when the 28th comes and goes without a hitch with my mom's surgery....
i just cant concentrate on anything..... too much in my head....

i am getting used to everything i think.
used to this new person and how he works during work time and talks afterward.
used to getting things done and not going crazy, at least for today
getting used to enjoying myself in everything i do...

live for today. love for today

peace to you all

i am sad. i was going to go see scott tonight but he had to do something important with his son. i dont know what to think right now. i really like him and he says he really likes me too and wants to be with me but the lack of phone calls and texts and emails is getting to me. i know he is busy and has alot on his mind but i want to get some of his attention too.
i dont want to be sad.... this is not what i planned.

--------------
ok here is it an hour and a half later and scott called about 10 minutes after i wrote this and we just got off the phone.
i prayed to god thanking him, there is something about this man.... i dont know what it is. i like to think of it as a magnetic light of some sort that is shining between us and it is keeping us illuminated and pulling together at the same time.....
could this be 'the one'? hmmmm

again...

how do we really know if what we are doing is the right thing to do?
i mainly speak of relationships with that question.
what is it that makes our gut say, yes
what is it that makes us just 'know' that this is a good person to be with right now.
i have come from several very poor examples of relationships which all twisted me in different ways.
my first relationship was with a guy who hit me and forced me to do things, and not do things.
this was the way that i started out.... and i would just like to say right here.... fuck you michael.
i had a few other relationships after that which only lasted a few months or a year.
the next guy liked his cocaine better than me
the next guy liked his karate instructor better than me and married her
the next guy i jumped into with both feet, he was a much better guy but he was in the marines and we broke up before he went to boot camp, and then thru letters got back together and got engaged.... bad move for me. i could not handle the distance, he was in the phillipines, and i could not handle having to leave my family and friends when he got back from that tour and we would be getting married and moving to california.
then i met my ex-husband who i never should have married. but i did thinking i could fix him. i could not..... he was a violent alcoholic, but underneath was a tortured kind soul.... so i stayed with him far too long.
the next relationship was great at first and then lasted over 3 years, but he was emotionally unavailable, and also drank too much. i stayed because i thought i would never find anyone else who would love me, i felt i was too old to start all over again. but the feelings inside me felt that i deserved more and i was willing to see if i could get it.
then..... there was freaking whats his name, and we all know how that story ended.

now meeting this new man, i keep saying he makes it easy to like him, even thru all the turmoil in his life. i WANT to see where this takes us. and i truly hope that after all this turmoil, especially this past weekend, that he will still want to see where it takes us as well.
i do have a fear that he will say that his life is too complicated right now for a relationship, but i hope that he does not say that. i hope that he sticks it out with me, just to see where this road takes us.

tomorrow is another busy day in the life.....
josh is downstairs watching the simpsons movie, i hear him giggle every once in a while.... ahh to be a kid again.....

ouch

my head hurts from hitting brick walls
my new guy just emailed me to say that his flight out of chicago that was supposed to be at 11 has been switched to 5...so the day we were going to spend together is gone now.
although this sucks, for some reason i can deal with it. for some reason something is telling me to just roll with it, it wont be like this for long.
i really miss seeing him and talking to him (he does not have his phone charger and it has been dead since friday night)
i know that when we finally do see each other again it will be great but it just seems like that will never happen.
i am off to church now, whoo hoo... can you tell i dont want to go?
well, it is a beautiful day, maybe i can go for a walk or something .....

believe

another day of doing what needs to be done... not looking more than 48 hours ahead of myself so as not to overwhelm.
today josh and i went to shad derby, a festival in my home town to celebrate a fishing derby, really just an excuse for a big party and parade.
by the end of the day (about 4pm) i was ready to toss him back to grammy's house, he tends to get on my nerves when we are together alot.
as do most people :)
last night my friend jean and i sang our very first karaoke songs.... wow, what a trip.
i have always said i have never wanted to use a mic ever in my life and i ruined that little goal for myself last night.... it was the oddest feeling i have ever experienced i think. :)
tomorrow i am going to get to see the new man in my life for the first time in over a week and i just cant wait. something about him just make it 'easy' to like him and 'easy' to deal with all the stuff he has to deal with. i can honestly say that i miss him and i really cant wait to see him tomorrow. he has been in chicago for a business trip since late friday and forgot to pack his phone charger so we have not spoken since he landed on friday afternoon.
ya know, i have no reason to believe or not believe anything this man says to me, but i chose to believe him
it is just that way.....
i really feel deep down that this is the beginning of something pretty cool.... cant wait to see where it leads.

circles

so i talked to scott tonight, gonna see him on sunday, cant wait. just love that boston accent of his. will be great to see him again.... told him to be very careful and not get hurt this weekend cause nothing is gonna mess it up this time.
he has to fly to chicago tomorrow but he is back sunday and we shall see each other then.... yay!

went to the night of jazz tonight at the high school... did not see it all because i went to the stupid committee meeting for scouts first.... dropped josh off and went to my meeting, then met him afterwards. it was pretty good, the parts i saw at least.
i brought josh to his first night of jazz when he was in 2nd grade... he saw a boy mike chemistruck, who was in the sage park stage band and that night was the night he decided to want to play the bass... tonight that same boy was honored as one of the graduating seniors..... it was a nice circle of life sort of thing. glad we went.

my head still feels like cotton.... can only deal with 48 hours at a time.... so much on my calendar that i have a hard time keeping it all straight. but i think i am doing pretty good for being a single mom with no support from an ex-spouse even....
have to do some shopping this weekend for josh and groceries.... come on economic stimulus!!!
dear lord i hope it shows up tomorrow.... i need it!

hmmmm

this is how i want to feel again.... alicia keys says it best
Some people live for the fortune Some people live just for the fame Some people live for the power yeah Some people live just to play the game Some people think that the physical things Define what's within And I've been there before But that life's a bore So full of the superficial Some people want it all But I don't want nothing at all If it ain't you baby If I ain't got you baby Some people want diamond rings Some just want everything But everything means nothing If I ain't got you
-----------
i need attention and i fear i have found a man who is a loner, maybe just used to being a loner for the last 11 months because there was no one there... but i need more attention than i am getting. i know that there are circumstances that i cant control in this situation and i hope that they are resolved very soon so we can get on with the getting to know one another part of this whole thing. the connection is still there but i need the time to be alone with him to get to know him better.

my head is like cotton.... fluffy and full and soft and squishy and i cant wrap my head around anything these days. i cant focus on anything past 3 days from now... it is too much for me to handle.
i hope that the crazy slows down for me and lets me breathe soon.

so here i am waiting for a phone call and it is already 10pm.... i need more attention than this but i think he is capable of it, just not able to give it right now.

mantra

today will be a good day
it will be a productive day
i will not feel overwhelmed
good things will come to me

poem

tip toeing thru the newness
helping deal with the day to day weeds
that need to be tended to
going thru the motions of everyday life
when the brick wall comes up ahead
try to find the door
instead of hitting your head against it
till it breaks down

when the green pastures come along the road
take the time to sit and enjoy the wild flowers
swaying in the breeze

when the ocean comes into view
kneel down and sit by the shore
watch the waves lap against the rocks in the sand
look to the heavens
and smile
for it is a new day
a day filled with love
and hope
and possibilities

-------------
tonight i go to sleep knowing that i am on the right track for now in my life
getting to know a really great guy
and getting to know myself along the way.
dealing with my day to day stuff
getting things done
taking care of my little family
the best that i know how.

mental abuse

i always beat myself up about things that did not even happen. i always worry that i did something wrong and screwed something up (usually a relationship) and it never even happened. why do i do this to myself?

i have been worrying for the last day that because this new man in my life did not call me in about 24 hours, that i did something wrong..... but i did not.
it turns out that i did nothing bad or wrong and was beating myself up for nothing. everything is still good. he is still into me. and we look forward to the next time we see each other again.
i think i am so on edge because i dont want to just give myself to him... but really i do want to give myself to him.
i am so afraid of it turning upside down on me that i want to keep at bay.
but he is such a nice guy and we connect so well. i cant wait to see him again and he feels the same way.
he has alot of extraneous circumstances that are closing in on him with work and health and school ....and it may all come to a head tomorrow. i hope so because it is consuming every conversation and it is consuming his head.
he does not deserve such crap, and i hope that he can find some peace in all of this. he tells me that i am the good stuff and i am the one good thing that has happened to him lately.
i look forward to seeing him again and building more of this relationship.

well...... it's deep

today i am in a state of unknown, with this new man
he was injured the other day and i have not spoken to him since around noon yesterday.
my first instinct is that something is wrong with him and he is in the hospital or something... next instinct is he lost his phone (but he probably did not leave the house so that is not a valid fear) and the last, biggest, scariest is that he is sick of me.... already.
the unknown kills me.
i have no idea what i did wrong or if it is just him not ready for someone like me.
until i hear from him i will never know.
i have given him no reason to ditch me, i have not been needy or bitchy. just sad that i could not see him like we planned this past weekend.
i hate this... i am myself... i act the way i always act because i dont want to be fake and have to keep up a fake act or all of a sudden change and have them think.... what happened to her?
so being myself, gets me no where apparently.

i just felt it was so right.... and it still might be.... maybe he is very ill and does not have his phone with him.... there is still that possibility.
but knowing me, and my past record, probably not.

so i wait to hear from him and my stomach is in knots wondering.
just call me or end it, dont put me thru this torture.

uncharted waters

i am feeling scared. and i dont want to be scared.
i am scared and i am confused and i am on the edge of something that could be really great but my toes are in the water but only a tiny bit... then the waves come up and they lap over my whole foot as i sink a bit into the sand. it feels good with the support all around my feet but i am plastered there in that spot. so even though it is comforting and feels good to have the support, i am also afraid of the next wave, that it might wash me over and i will be someplace scary like under water.

i know what i want in a relationship, i want to be loved, cared for, adored (i know it sounds stupid but i want someone who thinks of me all the time and tells me how they are thinking about me all the time, i had it once,... i want it again) i dont want to have to guess how the person is thinking or what they think of me.... i want to know. i want it right out there in front of me.
i want the person to like who i am and what i am about. i want the person to admire me and what i have done and what i have been thru and remained standing thru it all.
i want a tender touch, often.
i want to feel completely comfortable. completely at home.

it seems like so much to ask.... but on the other hand it does not seem like too much to ask at all.
if there are doubts, then it must not be right.
i dont doubt ...but maybe he had doubts.
sometimes circumstances are out of your control and the universe is telling you to slow down or take a step back or take 5 steps back.
i feel like the universe is stepping in having him take 5 steps back and maybe he has had second thoughts... which is fine, everyone is allowed second thoughts.... but also, maybe it is just circumstance from an injury last night that is keeping him from calling me.
either way, i like to be kept in the loop, especially with this great of a distance between us and you cant be kept in the loop if there are no phone calls.

i know this all sounds so crazy like i am not making sense, but i am making sense,.... in my head i am. i am just dumping this all out there to put on virtual paper. throw it against the wall and see what sticks..... hopefully some of it will make sense someday soon.
hopefully i can get my head back onto my shoulders instead of out of my ass, which is how i am feeling right now.

as for mothers day.... my son got me nothing, not even a card that he had made. i dont require 'things' i require feelings. i told him that mothers day, my birthday and christmas.... those are the three days he must never forget his mother.
i love him to death and he is all i live for. he is the breath inside me. he is the heartbeat in my chest. he is my love. he is my purpose on this earth.
he is in the other room now, sleeping i hope since it is late.
i wish nothing but sweet dreams and good health to him all the days of his life.
i was blessed with him 13 years ago and i am continuing on this path, being his mother, with the greatest pride.

happy mothers day to you all.
wish me sound sleep and good thoughts tomorrow as i go thru my day.

new

this new relationship seems so comfortable. not sure if it is the combination of the two people involved or if i am more calm and laid back this time. not sure.
it is odd to have it be so comfortable and easy ... so soon.
he has to drive miles and miles to see me and he still wants to.... so i guess that in itself could speak volumes with the price of gas today.
i am going to see him again tonight and i am looking forward to it.
it is just really comfortable.... and i think.... that comfortable might be what i was looking for.

i still have my memberships but am not talking to anyone, i still think it is funny to look at who is contacting me, where they are from (some really far away in the US) and their likes and dislikes. i just looked at one who wanted my income to be $100,000..... way to shoot for the starts buddy!
i feel that i will be cancelling very soon, i just want to give this one a bit more time. i am afraid that after a week or so it might all unravel and then i will not have the option to fall back on because i cancelled the memberships.

i do have a very good feeling about this one though. i dont know if it is because i am ready or because he makes it easy to like him.
but so far so good.....

baby steps

if i had to look back and see something that i have learned from past experiences that i want to bring into this new relationship, i suppose honesty is probably the key to it all.
if you are honest from the start, you can always count on that.
when you first meet someone, how do you know they are being honest anyway.
it is all in their character. i have meet people who i thought were being sincere and ended up taking money from me and never paying it back.
i have met people who i thought were being honest and they ended up cheating on me.

so how do you judge a book not by it's cover but by it's heart and soul... especially when you have just met them.
i dont know... it is hard... but i suppose i have to let my heart decide.
this man seems very nice, very sincere, very honest.... i cant help but to believe him. i have no reason not to.
so i will believe him and trust in what he says.... i have to if i want it to be the start of a good relationship. i think it is, but i am being so cautious to give my heart away again. it was trampled so badly last time that i do not want to go thru that again.
so i take baby steps and see where they lead me.

normalcy, that is what i want in life. not the crazy upside down life that i tend to lead. the normal that i yearn for is held within a relationship with someone who kind of completes me. i have never had this even though i thought i did at the time... not even with freakin whats his name.

so baby steps is how i am going to get where i need to be. baby steps until i know that i am safe to give my heart away.

growing

during this time that i am giving to getting to know this new man in my life i find that i am continuing to grow as an individual. i am still learning about my likes and dislikes. i am still learning my threshold of pain, endurance, things that i will put up with from others.
i am learning that i am a pretty nice person and i do have friends who are not just there for me when i am down but also just every day. i have people that i have met that i can relate to and share thoughts and experiences withand they treat me as an equal.

the sad part of all of this is that i had these things all along i just could not see them because i was caught up.
i definitely do not feel caught up right now. i feel as though i am enjoying myself and going at a pace that is natural to me.

freakin whats his name has nothing on this new relationship, it seems much more real than what i was experiencing before.
the creativity and depth of this person is making me look deep as well.

seems odd but true. i am so glad that i am continuing to grow in this process. and even though i am growing i am still enjoying a really great guy too.

who knows where this will lead, i have no idea, but the connections were too much to ignore. i had to give it a try. give it a chance. give it some time.
who knows what is around the corner .......

walking paths

contemplating the future is always a tough thing to wrap your head around. what is in store for me? who knows?
i am totally ok with being josh's mom and an employee of my company. i am truly good with myself now.
i do everything i can for my little family, everything i can. i try to keep a nice place to live and make sure we have food to eat and heat and hot water and everything that we need to live. i spend every dime i make on our living, and i hope i am doing a good job. i hope that my son will reflect back in 10 years and realize what i have done for him so that he can have his instruments and scouts and get to everything he needs to get to and keep up with everything every day. i hope someday when he is not working at McDonald's for a living he will look back and thank me for all that i have given him.
sometimes it seems that is not ever going to be the case. 13 is hard for a kid and hard for a parent. so moody and so grouchy all the time. so headstrong (but that is me too).
i look forward to the day when we can go to lunch together and both be adults and chat about real things and real people and feel totally real together.
it seems that that day is so far away and yet it will be here in a blink of an eye.
so i dont wish it away.... i just plow thru all this 13 year old crap like i am plowing deep snow.

on another personal note, this man that i am spending time with is so interesting and smart and funny, i enjoy his company immensely. i cant wait for the next phone call or the next time we can see each other. it is still so new it is hard to step back and see it clearly. i know that i do not want to be hurt like i was in the past. i want to go slow and learn more about him. see if he wants to learn more about me. that is an important part. some people can sit there and talk about themselves for hours and never even entertain the though of asking about the person they are with.
he does not seem like this type of person. he seems genuine. i am hoping that i am right in this thought process. i hope that things just continue to get better and better. maybe we have both been looking for each other in this process called life. who knows. i know that i have a really good feeling about him and i feel very comfortable with him. i think he feels comfortable with me too.

so i am taking it slow..... i am not seeing anyone else at this time.... i really want to see where this takes me. i want to see what paths i get to walk with this man.

i was once told that it is better to go thru the rest of your life with someone who walks by your side rather than someone who walks ahead of you or a little behind you.

i am wondering if this man is the man to be walking beside me in my future.... that is a nice thought.

looking inward

reflection inward, a place no one ever wants to look. eek! scary monsters in there!
i am calm today. peaceful. content. huh? what a concept.
the feeling of throwing up has subsided. the feeling of conflict has subsided.
the feelings of anxious turbulent seas in the pit up my stomach have gone away.

i have, in my own head, decided to just focus on this one relationship for now and see where it takes me. i have emailed the services about freezing my accounts. the dating a few people at one time is just not me. i can juggle emails and phone calls and texts pretty well but i cant juggle people. and i cant be expected to. out of the 450+ people who looked at my profiles and the 30+ people who have contacted me in 1 weeks time there were two that were real people wanting to meet me and one genuine one who i want to get to know better.

i know that my options are still open, but now that i have things cleared up, profiles weeded and deleted for now, i feel i can be calm again and see where this takes us. i have so many good feelings about it, it would be stupid not to take the chance and see where it goes.

the distance still bugs me, but he has no problem with it (at least at this point he does not) and if he has no problems with it, then i suppose i could be more open to it as well.
it is all still so new and i have more to learn about this person. i have more to learn about me as well..... what do i really want in this adventure and what am i willing and not willing to put up with in order to have some happiness. and what really is my happiness i am looking for?

i think it is just love. to be loved, adored, held, cared for.... it is my nature to want these things. and to have someone i can love in return. who knows where this will bring us or if it is even close to what i am looking for. who knows?

but i feel confident in letting this take it's course for now and seeing where it takes us. i feel un-pressured and at ease with this man. i feel at ease with my decision.

reflections on my 42 year old self

conversations in my head, over and over..... not sure where they are going but here i am again today writing my little heart out.so basically everyone i have met online is either only out for sex OR cant type in proper english OR are in iowa or pennsylvania or cali OR sketchy looking.... i even had one that was german who said he lived in manchester ct but was in nigeria and he lost his wallet and needed $350 (oh my god what the hell is up with that shit?) ..... except for the two people i was actually talking to on the phone.when i met scott on the phone we clicked and when i met joe on the phone he was rico suave. when i met scott in person we clicked and when i talked to joe on the computer i told him that there might be something there with scott ... he decided to step aside. i was so glad that he said that cause i really was leery meeting him. his age scared me (he was 50 even though i am 42 it still bothered me a bit) and he was rico suave like i said and everything he said was laden with innuendo. and when he was not talking sex he was kinda boring. and he is a recovering alcoholic and even though he is in recovery there is always that 'elephant in the living room' that he may start again, and i lived with a couple alcoholics, i need not do that again any time soon... or ever.so luckily he stepped aside for today's coffee meeting and i did not have to worry about that anymore.after spending hours on the phone with scott and hours hanging out with scott, i really feel a connection.this scares me because it is so soon but i feel that we met for a reason. i always feel that things happen for a reason ever since my ex husband passed away.... everything that happened to me did happen for a reason.for now i have decided not to meet anyone else in person so that i can see where this relationship goes with scott.i have such a great feeling about him. i brought him to a party last night and everyone said he was nice and they enjoyed talking to him. that made me feel good that he was kinda 'accepted' by the masses.he is really sweet, has a killer boston accent which i just love, and when he looks into my eyes it is like he is looking right inside me with those green/blue eyes of his.looking back over my past relationships over the last 42 years, and no i have not been dating since i was born, actually started late, around 17.every single person up to and including my ex husband I PURSUED and should not have really pursued them at all.the next two found me and tracked me down.... but look where that got me.... HA!and actually scott found me too.... but i hope for better things with scott. (damn i wish his name was not the same as my deceased ex husband)he is also kind and soft spoken and gentle, he is very smart, knows how to type (that is a deal breaker) creative... but he has had a rough past (with relationships mostly i think but he has not told me yet) and although he keeps an even keel and goes with the flow and take things as they are.... i feel he might be a tortured soul inside and the people pleaser in me wants to find out more about that. i want to be with him because of him, because he is sweet to me and kind and lovingnot because i think i can fix him, like so many past relationships i have hadwith my most recent ex (freakin whats his name) i wanted to give him everything he was lacking with his wife, and i did, and more.... that is why i had such a hard time when he left me. i was not enough for him, by giving him everything he ever dreamed of in a woman, i still was not enough. trying to fix that one was impossible.i dont want to fix scott i want to be with scott. i want to find out more about him, and see if i am the right fit for him and he for me.this is new and exciting. the first kisses, they are the best, dont ya think?the first everything.... getting to know someone is so exciting..... but it needs to stay special to last. i have had those relationships where it was special for about 2 months and then the shiny parts wear off and get dull but you stay anyway because he is there and comes home each night. so many wrong reasons to stay with someone. there were so many wrong things about that whole relationship. but when you think you will never find anyone else in your life and you will grow old alone, you stay in shitty relationships just because they are there.he lives far away, 50 minutes, and that bothers me kinda.it is not a situation where you can say 'wanna come over for dinner in 15 minutes' that would be hard. it was hard with freakin whats his name and he was 30 minutes away. it is hard not seeing the person and it is hard wondering if they are being faithful that far away and it is hard on gas money these days.is it worth it? is it worth the trouble and possible heart ache..... with scott i want to try. there are so many connections, so many things that have happened ... just happened ....that make it seem very special. it is hard because i would love to have him come over tonight just to hang out with me but it cant happen because he is too far away.but that really is the only drawback right now. and for me in my heart i want to try and see if there is something there that maybe can last.again i ask you to wish me luck..... i am treading some deep water.... and i dont like to be in the water at all..... if i cant see the bottom i dont want to be there..... and this situation... i cannot see the bottom....it all comes from being washed over by a big wave when i was about 5 in bar harbor, i hate the deep water ever since. small boats....scary.... big boats are better.... swimming .... HELL NO! save that for a pool where i can see that there are no jelly fish!so while i am over here treading in this deep unknown..... keep me in your thoughts.... to make good choices and live life freely like every day is my last... cause it could be.

how can this be?

i am in awe of this whole internet dating thing, as it has produced for me a connection, a spark if you will.
i have met someone whom i have had so many connections with in the last week, it is unbelievable.
you know me, i fall hard and fast, so i am holding back like i am pulling on the leash of a great dane trying to run after a cat in traffic
i could give my heart away, so easily, but i am holding back because.... what if.
what if i am wrong
what if the connections and feelings are false
what if he is not as he appears to be
what if i get hurt again
what if someone else has even more connections with me (i cant possibly imagine it but ...what if)

i dont want to pass by someone else because my eyes are focused on him
but i dont want to lose him because i am trying not to get too close too fast.
it is all a huge mystery to me.
and i dont know which way to turn right now.
so i will continue to go straight, straight on thru to the other side
and hope that on the other side of the worm hole that is this internet dating thing i will come out happy, healthy, wiser than before and maybe just maybe i will be able to be loved again by someone.
and be able to love in return with the reckless abandon i want to love with.

maybe just maybe this whole thing will work out for me and my gut feelings are true
maybe i will be happy ... that would be a wonderful thing.

fist date

WELL.... i never never expected it to go this good.
now let me explain myself here, i am a girl who can fall REALLY easily. and i love attention so when ever someone pays attention to me i gravitate to them.... that is why i kept saying that as soon as someone thinks i am cute again i will forget all about freakin whats his name. and i did by the way.

so i am really talking to only two men. and i met one last night and the other will be tomorrow.
the other people i really have no connection to, it is only chatting, still lots of fun but nothing to write home about.
these two guys.... i know that the one i am meeting tomorrow will be more of a physical attraction, he is very nice but has some issues and we dont have alot of connections. plus he is 50 and granted i am almost 43 and no spring chick, 50 seems quite old at first glance.... although he does not look 50.
the one i met last night i had already logged 4 hours of talk time in 2 days with him. there are connections like crazy (helloooo that is what i was looking for) and we really got along well. he has a great sense of humor and is talented, plays guitar and writes. he is 46 and lives 45 minutes away.... he is so nice but i think he is already in too deep with me.
i have told him up front that i am doing the dating thing and i dont want to fall too quick and i have to explore this at my own pace to decide if he is the one for me or not.
both live out of state....... both have redeeming qualities, one more than the other.... but i dont want to put all my eggs in one basket.
although i did invite him to my best friends birthday party today and he said yes ....he wants to come to be able to be with me.
it is all so surreal.
how DO these things happen?
what makes it right?
what is too fast?
what is the right pace?
i dont know.....
i am just going to take my time and explore my options and see where it all takes me.

my new part time job

this is so freakin fun i cant tell you.
the whole weirdness has worn off and now i dont worry about responding to people or not responding.
the couple guys i am talking to and am going to meet are absolutely polar opposites. one is very kind and soft spoken and kinda sexy talking European older man who i am very interested to meet. he has been online dating for 2 years though. the other is a really nice guy who we have several connections already, very funny to talk to, very creative but lives much further away. i am looking forward to meeting him in person as well. he just started 3 weeks ago.
the rest are all just email and some are very hard to 'talk' to.
it is nice to have a choice. it is nice to have a few people who are looking to meet me and get to know me.
it is like a part time job though keeping up with emails websites text messages and phone calls.... keeps me on my toes, this juggling act of mine.
but i have to say i am really happy and i have not thought of freakin whats his name (my ex) in a couple days... really.... a couple days without a thought of the man in my head.... i never thought i would see the day.
i thought i would wallow in the corner thinking nothing good would ever come my way again. and here we are just mere days from the last wallowing and i am like a new person.

state of mind

so since i have been so crazy lately and ranting so much for the last several weeks i thought i would speak to my state of mind these days.... i am nervous.
and excited.
but mostly nervous.
i am going to meet two of these guys this weekend and i have not been on a blind date, well, since i met my ex and before that i was never on one.
i always knew the person first.
i am nervous about peoples demeanor's, some people are easy to talk to and when they switch the conversation to sex or anything that has to do with sex, it can get tense.
some people never talk about sex or anything like it and so that makes it weird because you wonder what is wrong with them....
i am worried about making conversation for an hour or how ever long it is that i am with these guys for the first time.
there is another one in PA that is emailing me too but that just seems so far away. i thought MA was far away for these other two.
this concept confuses me and i know that it all means nothing until i chose it to mean something. so for now i will date these guys and talk to them and see what happens.
but i still feel like i want to throw up.
i need to do housework and make this place someplace i want to come home to again, since vacation we just never put everything back away. i need to pay bills, and do all kinds of laundry.
i feel discombobulated :)