perspective

i sit here looking at the piles of paperwork i have to go thru.... josh's upcoming travels have forms that need to be filled out and money to be spent... i have bills to be paid and junk mail to be tossed..... i need to get the bracelets to church with an invoice..... i need to put away everything from josh's sleep over.... laundry to put away too...... get ready for the kids party i have tomorrow at noon..... dishes to do..... and all of this needs to be done today!
aahhhh!!!!

it will most all get done too, i bet ya. that is how i roll.....

went out last night with a friend and had a really good time..... i am so confused..... i need to step back and not get emotionally involved with anyone right now.... i think i have too much on my plate to make a rational decision.... scott is still sick and cant come see me.... emails are more frequent but when i am not at my desk i dont get them as quickly.... phone calls are non existent because he lost his voice.... frank called last night but i did not take the call cause i was out.... not sure about that one.... there is really nothing there..... hard to have a conversation.... that is never a good sign.
anyway..... it does not really matter because i am stepping back.... i keep reminding myself of that.
i was sooooo close to falling in love with scott, i did not let myself and i am glad i did not because i would have felt so hurt by his actions.... and he did not mean any harm he was just doing what he needed to do.... but in my crazy head i would have taken it all personally because i would have been in love with him even though he was not in love with me and i would have been a wreck.... i am so glad that i held myself back.... there is no denying the connections..... we just have not spent any time together in 3 weeks and it is too hard to make any decisions on that....

i went from a year ago staying with zeke because i thought no one would ever want me again, no one would think i was attractive, no one would find me appealing at all..... to now.... each of these guys have done something after the first or second date that means they want to be with me.... without actually even asking me about how i feel.... one cancelled his membership to the online dating service, one told me that he did not want to continue dating other people to see where this all went, and the other wants to get me a parking sticker for his condo complex so i dont get towed... assuming i will be back over and over again (pretty safe bet on that one).

this is quite the pumping up for my self esteem if nothing else...... jean always told me i dont give myself enough credit, and i dont.... but this has helped me realize she is right (as usual :) ...and to date and have fun and enjoy peoples company is what it is all about.

i do have too much going on for one person..... i still never know how i do it every day.... yes my life appears to be in a shambles but everything gets done on time.... we (josh and i) are healthy and happy and have everything that we need to survive life here in windsor.....
i am going to go pick him up soon..... gonna jump in the shower now.... before all the chores have to get done!