reflections on my 42 year old self

conversations in my head, over and over..... not sure where they are going but here i am again today writing my little heart out.so basically everyone i have met online is either only out for sex OR cant type in proper english OR are in iowa or pennsylvania or cali OR sketchy looking.... i even had one that was german who said he lived in manchester ct but was in nigeria and he lost his wallet and needed $350 (oh my god what the hell is up with that shit?) ..... except for the two people i was actually talking to on the phone.when i met scott on the phone we clicked and when i met joe on the phone he was rico suave. when i met scott in person we clicked and when i talked to joe on the computer i told him that there might be something there with scott ... he decided to step aside. i was so glad that he said that cause i really was leery meeting him. his age scared me (he was 50 even though i am 42 it still bothered me a bit) and he was rico suave like i said and everything he said was laden with innuendo. and when he was not talking sex he was kinda boring. and he is a recovering alcoholic and even though he is in recovery there is always that 'elephant in the living room' that he may start again, and i lived with a couple alcoholics, i need not do that again any time soon... or ever.so luckily he stepped aside for today's coffee meeting and i did not have to worry about that anymore.after spending hours on the phone with scott and hours hanging out with scott, i really feel a connection.this scares me because it is so soon but i feel that we met for a reason. i always feel that things happen for a reason ever since my ex husband passed away.... everything that happened to me did happen for a reason.for now i have decided not to meet anyone else in person so that i can see where this relationship goes with scott.i have such a great feeling about him. i brought him to a party last night and everyone said he was nice and they enjoyed talking to him. that made me feel good that he was kinda 'accepted' by the masses.he is really sweet, has a killer boston accent which i just love, and when he looks into my eyes it is like he is looking right inside me with those green/blue eyes of his.looking back over my past relationships over the last 42 years, and no i have not been dating since i was born, actually started late, around 17.every single person up to and including my ex husband I PURSUED and should not have really pursued them at all.the next two found me and tracked me down.... but look where that got me.... HA!and actually scott found me too.... but i hope for better things with scott. (damn i wish his name was not the same as my deceased ex husband)he is also kind and soft spoken and gentle, he is very smart, knows how to type (that is a deal breaker) creative... but he has had a rough past (with relationships mostly i think but he has not told me yet) and although he keeps an even keel and goes with the flow and take things as they are.... i feel he might be a tortured soul inside and the people pleaser in me wants to find out more about that. i want to be with him because of him, because he is sweet to me and kind and lovingnot because i think i can fix him, like so many past relationships i have hadwith my most recent ex (freakin whats his name) i wanted to give him everything he was lacking with his wife, and i did, and more.... that is why i had such a hard time when he left me. i was not enough for him, by giving him everything he ever dreamed of in a woman, i still was not enough. trying to fix that one was impossible.i dont want to fix scott i want to be with scott. i want to find out more about him, and see if i am the right fit for him and he for me.this is new and exciting. the first kisses, they are the best, dont ya think?the first everything.... getting to know someone is so exciting..... but it needs to stay special to last. i have had those relationships where it was special for about 2 months and then the shiny parts wear off and get dull but you stay anyway because he is there and comes home each night. so many wrong reasons to stay with someone. there were so many wrong things about that whole relationship. but when you think you will never find anyone else in your life and you will grow old alone, you stay in shitty relationships just because they are there.he lives far away, 50 minutes, and that bothers me kinda.it is not a situation where you can say 'wanna come over for dinner in 15 minutes' that would be hard. it was hard with freakin whats his name and he was 30 minutes away. it is hard not seeing the person and it is hard wondering if they are being faithful that far away and it is hard on gas money these days.is it worth it? is it worth the trouble and possible heart ache..... with scott i want to try. there are so many connections, so many things that have happened ... just happened ....that make it seem very special. it is hard because i would love to have him come over tonight just to hang out with me but it cant happen because he is too far away.but that really is the only drawback right now. and for me in my heart i want to try and see if there is something there that maybe can last.again i ask you to wish me luck..... i am treading some deep water.... and i dont like to be in the water at all..... if i cant see the bottom i dont want to be there..... and this situation... i cannot see the bottom....it all comes from being washed over by a big wave when i was about 5 in bar harbor, i hate the deep water ever since. small boats....scary.... big boats are better.... swimming .... HELL NO! save that for a pool where i can see that there are no jelly fish!so while i am over here treading in this deep unknown..... keep me in your thoughts.... to make good choices and live life freely like every day is my last... cause it could be.