again...

how do we really know if what we are doing is the right thing to do?
i mainly speak of relationships with that question.
what is it that makes our gut say, yes
what is it that makes us just 'know' that this is a good person to be with right now.
i have come from several very poor examples of relationships which all twisted me in different ways.
my first relationship was with a guy who hit me and forced me to do things, and not do things.
this was the way that i started out.... and i would just like to say right here.... fuck you michael.
i had a few other relationships after that which only lasted a few months or a year.
the next guy liked his cocaine better than me
the next guy liked his karate instructor better than me and married her
the next guy i jumped into with both feet, he was a much better guy but he was in the marines and we broke up before he went to boot camp, and then thru letters got back together and got engaged.... bad move for me. i could not handle the distance, he was in the phillipines, and i could not handle having to leave my family and friends when he got back from that tour and we would be getting married and moving to california.
then i met my ex-husband who i never should have married. but i did thinking i could fix him. i could not..... he was a violent alcoholic, but underneath was a tortured kind soul.... so i stayed with him far too long.
the next relationship was great at first and then lasted over 3 years, but he was emotionally unavailable, and also drank too much. i stayed because i thought i would never find anyone else who would love me, i felt i was too old to start all over again. but the feelings inside me felt that i deserved more and i was willing to see if i could get it.
then..... there was freaking whats his name, and we all know how that story ended.

now meeting this new man, i keep saying he makes it easy to like him, even thru all the turmoil in his life. i WANT to see where this takes us. and i truly hope that after all this turmoil, especially this past weekend, that he will still want to see where it takes us as well.
i do have a fear that he will say that his life is too complicated right now for a relationship, but i hope that he does not say that. i hope that he sticks it out with me, just to see where this road takes us.

tomorrow is another busy day in the life.....
josh is downstairs watching the simpsons movie, i hear him giggle every once in a while.... ahh to be a kid again.....