looking inward

reflection inward, a place no one ever wants to look. eek! scary monsters in there!
i am calm today. peaceful. content. huh? what a concept.
the feeling of throwing up has subsided. the feeling of conflict has subsided.
the feelings of anxious turbulent seas in the pit up my stomach have gone away.

i have, in my own head, decided to just focus on this one relationship for now and see where it takes me. i have emailed the services about freezing my accounts. the dating a few people at one time is just not me. i can juggle emails and phone calls and texts pretty well but i cant juggle people. and i cant be expected to. out of the 450+ people who looked at my profiles and the 30+ people who have contacted me in 1 weeks time there were two that were real people wanting to meet me and one genuine one who i want to get to know better.

i know that my options are still open, but now that i have things cleared up, profiles weeded and deleted for now, i feel i can be calm again and see where this takes us. i have so many good feelings about it, it would be stupid not to take the chance and see where it goes.

the distance still bugs me, but he has no problem with it (at least at this point he does not) and if he has no problems with it, then i suppose i could be more open to it as well.
it is all still so new and i have more to learn about this person. i have more to learn about me as well..... what do i really want in this adventure and what am i willing and not willing to put up with in order to have some happiness. and what really is my happiness i am looking for?

i think it is just love. to be loved, adored, held, cared for.... it is my nature to want these things. and to have someone i can love in return. who knows where this will bring us or if it is even close to what i am looking for. who knows?

but i feel confident in letting this take it's course for now and seeing where it takes us. i feel un-pressured and at ease with this man. i feel at ease with my decision.