uncharted waters

i am feeling scared. and i dont want to be scared.
i am scared and i am confused and i am on the edge of something that could be really great but my toes are in the water but only a tiny bit... then the waves come up and they lap over my whole foot as i sink a bit into the sand. it feels good with the support all around my feet but i am plastered there in that spot. so even though it is comforting and feels good to have the support, i am also afraid of the next wave, that it might wash me over and i will be someplace scary like under water.

i know what i want in a relationship, i want to be loved, cared for, adored (i know it sounds stupid but i want someone who thinks of me all the time and tells me how they are thinking about me all the time, i had it once,... i want it again) i dont want to have to guess how the person is thinking or what they think of me.... i want to know. i want it right out there in front of me.
i want the person to like who i am and what i am about. i want the person to admire me and what i have done and what i have been thru and remained standing thru it all.
i want a tender touch, often.
i want to feel completely comfortable. completely at home.

it seems like so much to ask.... but on the other hand it does not seem like too much to ask at all.
if there are doubts, then it must not be right.
i dont doubt ...but maybe he had doubts.
sometimes circumstances are out of your control and the universe is telling you to slow down or take a step back or take 5 steps back.
i feel like the universe is stepping in having him take 5 steps back and maybe he has had second thoughts... which is fine, everyone is allowed second thoughts.... but also, maybe it is just circumstance from an injury last night that is keeping him from calling me.
either way, i like to be kept in the loop, especially with this great of a distance between us and you cant be kept in the loop if there are no phone calls.

i know this all sounds so crazy like i am not making sense, but i am making sense,.... in my head i am. i am just dumping this all out there to put on virtual paper. throw it against the wall and see what sticks..... hopefully some of it will make sense someday soon.
hopefully i can get my head back onto my shoulders instead of out of my ass, which is how i am feeling right now.

as for mothers day.... my son got me nothing, not even a card that he had made. i dont require 'things' i require feelings. i told him that mothers day, my birthday and christmas.... those are the three days he must never forget his mother.
i love him to death and he is all i live for. he is the breath inside me. he is the heartbeat in my chest. he is my love. he is my purpose on this earth.
he is in the other room now, sleeping i hope since it is late.
i wish nothing but sweet dreams and good health to him all the days of his life.
i was blessed with him 13 years ago and i am continuing on this path, being his mother, with the greatest pride.

happy mothers day to you all.
wish me sound sleep and good thoughts tomorrow as i go thru my day.