its a new day
and as always before too long yesterday, josh had switched gears and all of a sudden he was human again by nightfall.
this is so tiring
he is still sleeping, as i type
burt is off to work and i need to get going so i can transfer money from one account to the other because josh's school cashed a check that they had had for over a month, and my account went into the red..... damn sage park middle school!
tomorrow is payday but today it is in the red, so i have to do high finances.... actually it will be sketchy until i get my refunds back. and thank god i will get some.....

as soon as i get it
there is a list
1) reservations at the cape for truro for april
2) josh needs a bed
3) catch up the orthodontist
4) save the rest and live off of it till it is gone.... which wont be long.

today josh has a hair appointment.... he wants to keep it long so it will be curious how he gets it cut. i dont mind if he wants to keep it long, it is his way of expressing himself.
his band played out last night at the blues jam, they were, as usual, great.

so i am off to hit the showers
no drama these days when it comes to my personal life
this is so nice and peaceful
this feels so 'right'
i dont question anything in this relationship, nothing at all
he is off to work and will be back home tonight
and i cant wait.

i think by far the hardest thing i have to do in my life is be the single (not single in the divorced sense of the word but single like ONLY) parent of joshua
it is the most trying thing in the world these days, and i know it is his age.
i know that every word i speak... is futile
every feeling i have ...unwarranted
every tear i shed... pay for this job
i know that he has angst, i understand this
but dear god help me deal with it
i know i am an ok mom but i highly doubt that i am a good mom
i know that in the future he will look back and remember the arguments, things said in anger, not really meant. i know this because i only remember the bad stuff from my childhood, not the good stuff.
i remember when my parents hit me like it was yesterday but i dont remember the fun times, the good times.... and i am sure there were many, but i remember none of them
that is the way we are, humans, we remember the traumatic things
those are the bits of our childhood that we carry with us.
or at least that is what i carry with me, and i can only imagine that those are the things that josh will remember about his teen years.... maybe with any luck he will block it all out
maybe he wont remember the hatred in the words that were spoken between us in the heat of an arguement that stems from his lack of respect for me, but he insists that i have no respect for him
an endless circle that cannot be broken, no matter how hard you scream or how many tears you cry

there is no way that you can understand what i am feeling unless you truly are a 'single' parent of a 13 year old boy. there is no one to send him to when i am exasperated
there is no one to back me up
there is no punisher but me
there is no fun parent but me
it is a fine line that i walk and it is really trying me today

my neck hurts from clenching my teeth
my eyes hurt from holding back tears
my throat hurts from yelling
and my body is tired
because this is tiring work

very odd feelings these days
feelings of security
happiness
joy
togetherness
coupledom
being wanted
being appreciated
being adored

things i am just sooo not used to

i think back to where i came from
from a marriage that sucked for years with a man who was an alcoholic and possibly bipolar
to an emotionally unavailable man for 3 years, because i figured no one would ever love me again
to a man who i thought was be all end all and turned out to be a lie
to a man who i thought i would be with forever because of the comfort level, but in reality he was just another 'broken wing' as gloria puts it
someone with issues that no one could have fixed

now have this man who is crazy about me and who is planning things in the future with me and i am too, and i have no doubts about any of it
like i said before i am going to ride this wave as long as i can
and i hope it lasts forever.
when do you realize that what you have in front of you is forever
when do you realize that what you have is magic

maybe you have to keep that in your heart every day, so that you remind yourself that he is in fact your magic
and this is the best i have ever felt in my life
how can that be?
i dont know
but i am so happy for it
and i am not letting go of this EVER

so i am about to go to bed
i await burt coming home after bowling with his friends
i am so happy with him and how things have turned out.
my heart is warm

work sucks lately but i have to deal, i have vacation next week and i cant wait
we have another demo of another software on wednesday so i have to get lots of work done tomorrow.
the bank statement showed up today but i probably wont get it finished before vaca.

i am very content right now.
i feel loved
i have not felt that in a long long long time.

so so so so freaking happy with burt
cant tell you how happy i am
we all spent the weekend together, he and his kids and me and mine
and we all get along so great and it all feels so natural
i cant explain but i just KNOW it is right.

came home today to an ominous box outside my door
wondered if it were something from zeke because i was expecting him to drop off a banner from the kids gig last month.
but no, upon closer inspection, it was a box filled with everything that i ever gave jim

in retrospect, i think, why didnt he just throw them away if he did not want to have them around the house anymore... what was the point of sending them back to me.
i am SO glad that i was not here when he dropped them off
i will not respond to this at all
i feel slighted but i also realize that if this is how he handles things, then it was certainly not a good match at all

i am not however deceived this time around, i know what i feel and how different it is for me this time.

i am trying to get my papers ready for my taxes, accountant coming tomorrow night ... nothing like waiting till the last minute.

and i HAVE to go thru my mail ..... eek!

i am on a mission today, 5 loads of laundry, color my hair, go thru paperwork to get ready for taxes on monday.... pay bills, ugh!
plus do my mom's shopping and my shopping and fill mom's pill box

i have about 5 hours to do it all.... and it CAN be done.

things are going really well with burt
jim contacted me yesterday via email, and it kind of ruffled me
i mean i know that if i was not with burt i would be right back with jim, waiting, again.
he is a great guy, he is just not in a position to have a girlfriend
he cant devote enough time.
and to want me back in the same situation again is very selfish of him.
i do not feel like i wasted any time with jim
i feel it all happened for a reason and taught me lessons i needed to learn
i know i would not be in the place that i am right now if i did not go thru the last 6 months the way that i did.
so many wonderful things have happened to me in the last year.
how do we end up in the places we end up? lucky, fate? who knows

all i know is that i am in a relationship now that is what i always wanted a relationship to be, our kids get along with each other and he and i get along very well too.

well i am off to complete my mission....

i hate being sick
my throat hurts and i know i have a sinus infection
today is my docs day off so if i do choose to go in i wont get to see him anyway
i have been fighting this thing for a week, in was inevitable that i finally got it

i am not looking forward to dealing with work and the software issues that i am immersed in. it has turned into a can of worms i really dont want to deal with anymore, but unfortunatley, because they sent me to colorado for this, i have to be involved.

i would give anything to just go back to bed right now.

and i missed burt last night :(
BUT i will see him tonight with any luck :)

how the hell can things be so good
how the hell can things just change up so much that they are so different
and so loving and caring and fun and exciting?
what did i do right along the way to have this?

i am NOT arguing at all.

just had a great evening with my new guy and his kids and my kid
everyone got along. it was GREAT
there is no other word for it.

i will miss him tonight, but i know there are things that have to be done, like getting up for work and school, and i know that i will be with him again tomorrow evening

again i say, how the hell did this just drop into my lap?
damn i am lucky!

ok i will stop ranting now.... although.... i really do feel freaking lucky.

i have lost my voice tho, probably those screams of anger when i got into my car at 5 that blew it away.... just took all night to catch up with me.
freakin software decisions..... hate them!

WELL....
here i am
i'm back.

so much has happened
but in a nutshell, i broke up with jim and started dating a wonderful man who thinks i am 'all that and a bag of chips' :)

it was a hard few weeks, i was growing closer to my new man and growing further apart from jim. i was realizing that jim really did not have the time in his life for a girlfriend, and when he did have the time it was all on his terms.
no one liked that i was in this relationship, no one.
and as time went on they all told me so. some louder than others.
and the point hit home

in the mean time i was getting to know this new man as a person, as a wonderful needy person just like me. needing companionship but not necessarily a date.
we got to know each other, inside and out, not litterally but we got into each others heads pretty deep. it was amazing to get to know someone in that fashion. mostly email, facebook.
i could tell there was something there and yet i knew the situation i was in and that i needed to keep my head straight.

as time went on we really started to fall for each other. it was the best feeling in the world. it still is.

when breaking up with jim, he understood the situation and told me he knew that i deserved more. he told me that he loved me and he told me that he would miss me.
it was very sad, i have not cried that much in a long long long time..... it seemed i cried more than when mother fucking pete dumped me.

but since that day, it has been like a window was opened and fresh air has come in, blowing thru my mind, clearing the cobwebs. letting the sunshine into my head.

i dont know where this will lead. as most times i dont know..... but i am riding this wave as far as it will take me. hopefully for the long haul.

i hate that i dont write much anymore
my typing fingers are sore from talking with my new friend but 24/7
it is so nice to have a new friend and feel this close to them
it also keep me busy when i dont see jim....

jim and i are doing well, saw him this weekend.
i like to say that i think i am getting nearer to the next step
there is no certain thing that has happened it is just a comfort between us and the way that he speaks to me sounds very positive and assured.
i feel very good with him and very comfortable

work is work.... hate to be there, wish i was elsewhere, but i know what i need to do :)

mom is doing well these days, thank god. i dont know that i could handle anything happening to her, not now in my life.

miss writing here
but i dont have any drama these days
this is a good thing

so i am totally ignoring my blog lately... i have been completely caught up in facebook, it is, as they say.... A HUGE BLACK HOLE.... you get on there and you are there for what seems like days....
but i have connected with some friends from the past and made one really great friend in the process.
i love my circle of friends... you know who you are.... i dont think i could have made it thru the last year with out you all.
the support that you gave me when i was falling apart at the seems. and the companionship you gave me when i was alone... and the support and love you give me now... you are all amazing!

i have not seen jim for a week, miss him... heeelloooo....
but whatever, i will see him when i see him. it is not like i dont have anything to keep me busy, between keeping up with my emails and josh and his band and work and just daily life... i am good over here.
a friend told me that i should enjoy my time alone, when i am not with him and i am certainly trying to do that.

more snow this weekend, i want to scream... it is so freaking cold out right now i cant even stand it!!!

so just some updates.... gloria, i am assuming GF is you... if so, that needle punch is soooo easy and fast and calming, bad part... the kits cost like $10, have to find a source online on the cheap.... we need to get together soon... juno and wine i say!!

totally enjoying my new BFFF burt!!

sally, i think about you all the time, i hope you have a great trip where ever you are going... i hope to catch up with you soon ... we have not had a good talk in forever.... i have a vaca in feb... maybe we can get up to the cape then for a day or two.

capecodkitty, if i get up there in feb i want to stop and see you too! would love to meet you in person :)

patrick, i have not thanked you lately for all the company and the assorted drinks here and there... so THANK YOU....

jean... there are not enough words... you are THE BEST! just wanted to tell you that since it is not something i say often :)

ok i got all that off my chest... of to write more emails and get sucked into facebook :)

above ... my needle punch ... finished...... and a pic of the boys.... trey, ray, and josh

well jim is alive but i think he is going thru something this weekend and i just wish that i could be there for him.

it was a weird weekend that is for sure.
glad to have josh back home, he faired well in the snow. but i was cold!!!

we went to band practice and met the new drummer and he is so cute and a good drummer for 11 years old. they play out for the first time next saturday night at 6:00 at the hanon hatch vfw post in west hartford ct.... looking forward to it.

work tomorrow, not in the mood....

i have typed so much this weekend, more than i have ever typed in my life i think.

i think i will try to get some sleep early tonight since i dont think i will hear from jim

i could use some extra sleep.... 5:15 comes early for the gym.

wish it was jim not gym... ha!

i finished my need punch kit and now need to frame it. i love the colors and it was so easy to do and it looks so much like rich terrycloth, i think that is why i like it.

still feeling weird
have not heard from jim since late yesterday afternoon
he was busy and i am sure very tired but i go vm again today... so naturally because of the storm i wonder if he is ok
maybe lost phone in snow bank
or lost power and cant charge the phone....
either way, miss him

josh is going to be dropped off very shortly and we will make lunch and chat for a while about his weekend camping in the snow storm. i am sure he had fun.

have not spoken many words this weekend but sure have typed them. been emailing and texting friends alot this weekend... thank god too cause you know me, i would be brooding in a corner being along all weekend like this.
i will survive.

going to stafford to practice with the band today (josh not me) i enjoy watching them work on songs. it is so interesting to have them teach each other with out sheet music in front of them, they do it all by ear.
fun stuff.

writing again today
bored
dont want a storm
dont want to be stuck in the house
dont feel like doing anything.

went to the mall and got some stuff with the rest of my gift certificates
got some business casual pants because this trip to colorado is business casual and i dont have alot of that, i have alot of casual....
hence the pants buying today

on my second glass of wine... it's gonna be a long long night :)

up early to bring josh camping
it is 15 degrees right now... they are crazy.... and it is supposed to snow....
just came back and am going to try to get more zzzz's.... but it probably wont work, once i am up... i am up.
i have two days ahead of me with no real plan
i hope to see jim but i have no idea if it is even in the cards.
going to call the vet to see if i can get keesha my million year old dog in today... her nose is so dry and she drinks a bowl of water every day and her back legs are in bad shape too.
going to do some errands before the snow comes and i bought another needle punch kit to keep me busy while i sit here on my own for hours and hours.
actually it would not be the end of the world to just sit and relax... i have not done much of that lately
work has kept me busy and it is going well.... i have been crafting in all my spare time. housework fills a good portion of time too.... my batheroom needs to be sandblasted... i say that to myself every time i walk by it.
and i have been emailing and texting network of people quite a bit lately too, from jim and jean and patrick to facebook friends
so i suppose it would not be the end of the world to just go to bed early tonight if i cant see jim.

so here i sit waiting for something to happen or something to do
i am in an odd place
not a bad one by any means
just odd
got another needle punch kit to work on tomorrow during the storm if i am not able to see jim and i am trapped inside
josh is camping in the snow storm in three sided shelters
he will have a blast i am sure
he loves to camp with the scouts

i was going to be able to sleep late tomorrow but since he is leaving tomorrow at 6:30AM instead of 6:30PM tonight... my plans are foiled again
i will sleep in on sunday
actually i might just jump back in bed tomorrow after i drop him off, it could happen....

hoping to see jim tomorrow because sunday is a bit busy again.... but i probably wont be able to.... that is usually how it works out.... but i can feel it getting closer... the introduction.
i went over last night to bring him the quilt and pillow i made for him
he LOVED it
he couldnt stop smiling and laughing, thinking how crazy i was to make those for him.
his daughter saw it today and asked where he got it and he said his friend gave it to him,..... i am officially mentioned maybe for the first time.... who knows.... HA!

anyway, like i always say, as long as he keeps making time for me and treating me kind and paying attention to me.... i am fine with waiting.

i am in a really good place today, even tho my neighbors are making so much noise i want to choke them!!!
work is going really well
jim and i are going really well
my house is a mess but i dont care!
i have been crafty and i like it
i am making new/old friends on facebook

going to go downstairs and have a glass of wine and work on my new craft (needle punch)
i am loving it, very addictive.

well all's well that ends well.... so far with the blood pressure.
my blood work came back great. my cholesterol is really low and my triglycerides (i know i spelled that wrong) are really low too. i have no danger of being diabetic at this time and even tho i have not lost weight or inches around my waist my pressure is more 'normal' for me 130 over 88. i am always pushing it a bit high, but never as bad as it was a few months ago.
i really credit working out to this result at the docs today. i have done 20 minutes a day on the elliptical machine every day since the day before thanksgiving... only missing 7 days total.
one huge puddle, one snow day, one really sick day and the other 4 were this past weekend, i just took a vacation from it, but i am back at it as of yesterday.

he also credits my atkins diet to the good blood numbers, said that the lack of carbs helps.

so.... NO DAILY MEDS FOR ME YET!! YAY!!

i go back in april to recheck and by then i hope to have lost the extra chub i gained at xmas (thanks to jim giving me godiva chocolates, they are finally gone now :)

finished the lap quilts, did one for josh too, he is sleeping with it as we speak... and i made a small pillow to match jims because i had extra squares. cant wait to give it to him :)

picked up some yarn and a crochet hook as well as a needle punch kit, something new i have not tried yet. will let you know how it turns out. i like keeping myself busy with crafts, i forgot how much i used to like doing it. i still have my jewelry but that is more like a job since i have to make it to make money... this stuff is relaxing and i can make things for other people, not just women ....
well, i will try to go to sleep now.
wish me luck.

i dont wanna go to work tomorrow, dont make me!!!
oh well, i know i have to.... but for the record I DONT WANT TO!

going to try to get some sleep and going to try to get up early to go to the gym... have not done it in about 4 days.... need to get back on that right away.
i have my follow up apt on tues for my blood pressure
i know i have not lost any weight or inches around my waist so i will probably be put on daily medication for bp. i hope not but i think it is inevitable.

i really hope i can get to sleep soon.... very tired but not physically.... just mentally run down.
i am almost finished with the lap quilt, just have to trim the stray threads and it will be ready to give to him.... looking forward to it.

got the 'batting' and back for the quilt today, the batting is actually drapery lining which is like thick flannel and the back is going to be flannel so the whole thing should be very soft and light weight as well as warm. hope to finish it up tomorrow or the next day.
told jim i was working on a project and it was for him and it has nothing to do with the computer or paper.. he is stumped :)
spent an odd day dong lots of odd things... but got to have a nice visit with jean and gene today.... thanks for the chili and wine :) it was yummy.
went to a night time movie with josh, i NEVER go to nightime movies... we saw 'bedtime stories' it was a cute movie.
going to bring josh to jam with trey tomorrow again in stafford.... and i have to teach the confirmation class tomorrow too.... making the prayer beads with the kids... i hope they like them and i hope it is not a fiasco either.
i am up too late again but not tired at all..... going to try to get some sleep but not sure if it will work....

ok so this is what i have been up to today
i named this picture 'quiltone' like there might be a quilttwo or quiltthree in my life somewhere down the line.... this one tuckered me out and i still have to do the batting and backing and then do the actual quilting.... maybe tomorrow.
probably will give it to jim... it is a lap quilt so it is not huge.
pretty good for working from memory..... and not using any pins... i have an aversion to pinning things... it gets on my nerves.

my car is fixed, it was the thermostat and because they just replaced it 3 weeks ago, it was free today... yay!

going to try to go to bed now....

starting the day on a good note, even tho my car is in the shop
jim called me to come see him last night and i was able to spend the night.... when i left my car was overheating and i dropped it off at the shop.... waiting now for results and info, but i dont even care cause i got to see him twice in the last 24 hours. yay!
had a nice visit yesterday with jean and gene and the gang, nice visit with patrick too (thanks for the beer) and nice evening alone and then nice night with jim... really cant complain today.

i am in a good place right now... thinking of walking over to the gym, or showering and getting ready for the day or starting a project... i like the choices!

it was pointed out to me today by a good friend that i dont blog as much as i used to
my reply was that i guess i dont need it as much as i used to
i mean, i used to blog more than once a day on the bad days
i am grateful those bad days have passed.
but i still need to vent and still need this outlet.
my grouchy-ness is passing
i bought a bit more supplies for the prayer beads and mad another set tonight. i hope the kids like making them
i have some missing beads, and i have looked everywhere.... and cannot find them. and honestly there are not alot of places to look in this little apartment.... some hematite crosses that i did not like the bales on so i put them aside, and a whole bag of wooden beads... have NO IDEA where they are.... dammit!
also bought a bunch of fabric squares special for quilting.... going to drag the machine out tomorrow and if i can remember how to thread the damn thing am going to mess around with lap quilts. i used to like making them, they are quicker than a huge quilt, give satisfaction when making them and giving them. and it is a good winter thing to do.

went off the diet again today but after the 2nd peanut butter cookie, damn they were good, thanks gene!! i just gave up at that point. didnt do too much worse the rest of the day but still i was off track.
didnt work out today either, but that was because i got an impromptu phone call from jim this morning at 7:30 telling me that his daughter was going shopping with a friend for a few hours and i could come by if i was able to.... and you know i did!
it was great to spend a few hours quality time with him.... hope to see him again before the weekend is out.

ok .... up too late so i am going to get some sleep now... i hope.

so yea, i agree with my comment that i made to my friend cape cod kitty.... have the blues

officially have the blues

and like cckitty i need to find a project to make the blues fly away...

tonight i made a prototype of some anglican prayer beads that i am supposed to teach the kids in confirmation class how to make this sunday... i have added a pic of them.

i liked making them and i like the idea of giving them to friends too....

so i think i will make several... will hit the craft store tomorrow and get more supplies.

had a rough morning, i called jim and 'confronted him' with my feelings, waking him and his daughter in the process. waited all morning for a phone call and just before noon i got one, but not before putting myself thru the ringer all morning....

turns out all is well... but i still was wallowing in the blues.

i am better now

cold

glad the snow stopped

going to spend new years eve alone with my son for the first time in .... ever!

i am sleepy already....

happy new year to everyone!

grouchy again
not sure exactly why
could be because i miss jim and want to see him and CANT
could be because i am sleepy
could be because i wish i could loose some weight
could be all of those things, or none of them

not in the mood for work tomorrow
not in the mood for snow tomorrow
just not in the mood

gonna go crawl in bed and hope tomorrow is better than today is right now.

so i sit here waiting for the 5 loads of laundry to be ready to switch over
and i think of where i am "at" right now.
i really am in a good place
but i let my emotions rule me sometimes.... when there really is not need.
for instance... today i have not gotten to speak to jim much only a short time this noon time. he had to work today.
he did read an email that i wrote asking if we could be together on new years eve, he replied that it is a hard night to get a sitter but he is trying
i replied that i know he is trying and i dont think he will get one but that is ok, i understand. but he did not reply to that one and i have called a couple times and left msgs and no reply then either.
this is not the end of the world. worse scenarios have happened than this. but i let my head run ahead of me and i worry that something is wrong and he is upset with some thing i said or wrote, which is ridiculous. but i worry anyway, and i will continue to worry till i hear from him and know all is well.
which i know in my head already that all is well, i just let my head run.
i kind of have an i dont care attitude today. josh and i just went to dinner on money i should not have spent. i am trying to stick to my diet but something in my head is telling me to have a rum ball instead.
just that kind of mood i guess.
new years is just another night
if i cant be with him, it is not the end of the world at all.
maybe we can be together the next day instead.... who knows

well i have a wonderful boyfriend, i am here to tell you
sure i dont get to see him as often as i would like but i suppose that maybe that is god's plan for now,
if the flood gates were opened at this point, and we were able to see each other all the time, mabye it would be overkill for us.
things have a way of working themselves out.
yesterday he was supposed to be able to come see me but then his sitter backed out at the last minute.
he was upset with himself for mentioning it to me because he thought i was really upset (which i was but i told him it was fine) we had planned for me to come see him after his daughter was asleep (which i still find funny because at any time that i am there, she could wake up and see me and then he would have to introduce me....) and then a half hour later he called to say he was on his way over. i was so pleasantly surprised.
he showed up with my christmas gift which consisted of beautiful flowers (i have never gotten flowers for xmas before) and godiva chocolates, shower gels, and gift certificates galore.
i felt very pampered.
he loved my gifts to him as well. it was a great visit and even though it was only about an hour and a half... it was worth a fortune to me to be able tobe with him on his birthday.
i am really lucky
i never would have thought i would have a man who likes me this much and treats me this well.
i know that he loves me but he does not say it, i think it goes with the whole 'waiting' thing... i think he has been hurt too many times before.
i am grateful for the things that i have gone thru because if i had not gone thru them all, i would not be where i am today.
every time i see a match.com or eharmony.com commercial i smile.... it really can work.

so the holiday is over and tonight we have a little gathering of people who are on facebook and who graduated from windsor high in 1983 that are getting together for drinks at 5:30....i want to go but am scared.... but i know some people who will be there and i look forward to it too.... funny to be scared and look forward at the same time.

i am debating going to spend some gift certificate money..... but do i want to brave the crowds?

its over
all the gifts are give out and received
all the traveling is done
all the merry has been made
all the food has been eated.... and i mean ALL the food
all the christmas is over.....

except for one

jim.

i cant wait to give him his gift, and see the look on his face, i put so much time into it and i just cant wait.... and i have to wait.
last i knew he was being santa one last time for the year at a dinner for needy families at 2:30.

now i am faced with 3 days off and who knows when i will get to see him.
his daughter already went to her mothers for few hours today, naturally it was when i could not possibly go see him, i was about to leave for willimantic.
this angers me because if i did not have a commitment with josh to go out to sherry's i would have driven to see him so freakin fast!
it figures, the first time that piece of shit has seen her kid since october and i cant get away.

so that makes me grouchy....

and i am stuffed with every peice of food that passed within arms reach of me in the last two days.... i did go to the gym but i still feel giant.

and that makes me feel grouchy too.....

and i have no idea when i can see jim, i said i wanted to see him on his birthday (tomorrow) and he said it probably wont happen. he was kinda grouchy too the last two times i talked to him....

and that makes me feel grouchy in return.

all in all it was a nice christmas.... but i miss my boyfriend.... and i am a bit grouchy.

merry christmas day
busy day ahead
sherry's for noon
mom's at 3 for chinese
and then home

i do hope i get to see jim soon

christmas eve
all is calm
all is bright.....

merry merry to you all.
i hope that you find the peace you need in your hearts this christmas
i seem to have found mine

it is early for me... maybe i will get some sleep tonight

up early for work, went to the gym thru snow flurries, but i went!
shopping is done, wrapping is done, even a few presents already handed out
after they let me out of work today i am on a 4 day weekend, yay!
hoping to see jim friday or on the weekend for some quality christmas/birhtday time.
josh is on vacation so he does not have to get up today when i get up. so the house is quiet at 6:24am
i got my hair cut yesterday and it is alot shorter than i am used to. it was damaged and had to come off.... but now i have to figure this new cut out.... i hate that part
and i dont have the long front bangs to hide behind anymore.
i am feeling very calm and quiet right now....
mom is not feeling well, has a cold, and is passing on the big meal because she is too old to mess around with a 20lb turkey anymore, it was almost a hassle for me and i have 35 years on her!
so we are going to order chinese food instead. that should be fun.

wishing merry christmas eve to everyone!

a sense of accomplishment today
presents are bought, made and wrapped
josh had his first taste of giving this year
even tho i gave him the money, he picked out presents for me himself this year and i think he feels accomplished as well.
i let him loose in target and he picked them out, went thru the line himself and wrapped them himself.
i dont care what they are, because i know he picked them out for me.

i also feel good because of facebook, seems funny to feel good about a service that is meant to keep in touch with people but i have connected with several people from my elementary school days that i NEVER thought i would hear from again
many are not in the area anymore which would have sealed the deal for never hearing from them again... but now i have, and it makes me feel so good.

i have also made new friends from this blog and from calebs blog... which has not had a post in several days... i hope they are well.

now, because i am done with everything i can try to enjoy these last few days before xmas.
i dont know when i will see jim but i know that i will.
and we will have our time when we get together.
i still hope not to be without him on new years but i know that if it is impossible for us to be together i know i have josh and i also know i can go to the bidwell with jean and gene.

it is early for me.... 10:19
fell asleep on the loveseat and i have a pain in my back but i hope to get right to sleep again now.

done
i am done
done buying gifts with money i dont have
done (almost) wrapping the gifts
done with jim's home made present from the heart and i hope he melts with joy when he opens it.... after all that work he better melt dammit! :)
the snow is so pretty and we are getting more tomorrow, probably icey mix... that sucks
josh will probably have a delay on monday.....
i cant believe xmas is almost here.... just a few more days.
it is such a let down when it is over, but i cant let that happen. i may keep up my snowmen for the rest of the winter, i love snowmen.... they are multifunctional...
i am so pleased with the way things are going with jim.... he just makes me happy and i never thought i would be this happy. and he is looking for the same things i am in companionship.... no one has ever called me and emailed me as much in my life.
and to think it all came from match.com....
tomorrow is not a busy day, but i hope to be able to see jim... with the weather i am thinking i wont be able to.... but if not, it will be nice to just hang out....

snowed in
who knows how much snow is out there. last i looked it was about 5 inches and that was when the sun was still up.
i am glad i dont have to shovel a driveway.... but i might have to do my sidewalk if they dont come out in time for us to get to josh's lesson
i am not sleepy at all again... might take a little pill to help me
josh is sleeping on the sofa and has been for about 2 hours.
i finished jim's present... now have to wrap it up, i wish i could find the hole punch.
(need it for the present) it is the first homemade present i have made in forever.... he is too hard to buy for.
i am really enjoying him... he makes quite an effort to be with me... told me today that his feeling for me are true.
i know he loves me, he is one of those men who dont say it.
it is different than with zeke where he did not say it and sometimes i did not even know if he loved me or just loved the free room and board.
where with jim i KNOW he loves me, he shows it all the time... it is just tough for him to say it.
i will let him slide... for now :)
this weekend could be hectic... or it could be enjoyable... who knows at this point... it is a crap shoot.

my eyes hurt today, not sure why, they sting
and i am tired
not getting to sleep before midnight again these days
delayed opening for school so i have to go to work and come back for josh at 9
jim is trying to come to josh's school concert tonight... i hope he can, but i understand if he cant.
it is great that he is even trying to come.
xmas and new years are around the corner.... it will all be over in no time.
i am pleased and satisfied that i have a great boyfriend, but because i still dont know his daughter i feel 'a bit outside' still.
i know that it will not be like this next year and this is all part of a new relationship.
i have lots of plans to keep me busy
when i think of the past, with zeke and last year with pete
i have not really 'been' with anyone on the holidays since scott.
zeke was there, but not really there....
pete still had his own life and even tho he came to new years with me, i was still removed in that relationship as well.
because we were married we did everything on the holidays together, and you were guaranteed not to be alone... but you were not necessarily happy.
this year i am happy and i will see him probably after xmas, unless she goes to her mothers, but i am much happier now than i have ever been with a man.... not sure exactly why, maybe it is just a better fit or he is a better person or i am in a better place.... but things are just better.
and hard to believe... next year will be even better!
josh and i have been getting along more these days, i pick my battles and i think he is doing the same.
well, off to work.... grrr.

the xmas season is so freaking hectic
i cannot believe how much i have to do in the next week, busy every night. it is not usually like this.... it is the xmas holiday that makes us run ourselves ragged.
just ended my "outside" day with orthodontist then dinner then cello lesson then target for last minute gifts.
now jammies and maybe a glass of wine

my outlook on today is good
even tho it is another monday and i have to work all week long.... all three nights on the weekend i stayed up much later than planned. last night was only 11 but the other two were 1am. i feel i need to catch up on my sleep.
i am back in the saddle and got up to excercise today for the first time since it was flooded on friday am. could not get myself up early enough to do it on the weekend days.
but as long as i am back at it and dont let it slip i should be good.

spent yesterday afternoon with jim again, it was wonderful to have all that quality time with him, it was only from about 1:30 till 6 but still... that was a much needed time alone.
he made me dinner again, nice to know he is a good cook. but i think it is my turn to cook for him this time.... that makes me nervous cause i dont want to make something he wont like. he is not a fan of vegtables.... so that takes that right out of the mix. :)

i feel we are growing stronger and coming closer every day. this is a quality relationship, i have never had one of those before. it is a nice change.
this is a man i see growing old with. i certainly have kissed my share of toads, and boy were some of them toads!

well the craft fair was not a total bust like the last few i have done. sold about $100 which is fair for me.
would love to sell $600 or $700 but that is just not in the cards for me i guess
maybe i will have an open house and invite people to come to my place and buy.... serve them wine and cheese... if only i had more than 2 parking spaces available here! ha!

did some tradtions with josh, torchlight parade, xmas cookies and brownies, now i am making cinnamon swirl bread... from scratch.... yes i AM crazy. we shall see how it comes out....

got to talk to my dear friend robin today for a long time, got to catch up and delve into lots of stuff.... i did not realize how much i missed her in my life... i have not seen her very often in the last several years, maybe once every 2 years we got together for a lunch or coffee.... it was great to just sit and talk for 3 hours while i was at the fair today.

supposed to see jim tomorrow... cant wait.
i love the effort he is putting in these days.... and i hope that soon i will be able to meet his daughter.... i know that when i do, the flood gates will open and we will be able to see each other alot more... i cant wait for that time to come.... but he is worth the wait :)

going to try not to be up till a million o'clock tonight.... need to catch up on sleep.

well the universe worked against me today.... as for my excercise..... i got up and went down to the gym.... i figured my neighbor who is usually swimming at this hour would not be there because there are leaks in the ceiling of the building over the pool and when it rains, the cold rain gets into the pool and cools it down from it's usual 81 degrees, plus you have to swim to avoid the raindrops landing on you... they are COLD.
but i never thought i would not even get into the building!
the doorway is down a few steps and it rained so much and the drain for that sunken area must be clogged because i would have had to walk thru about 4 inches of water to get into the building... i decided against that because then i would have to excercise with soaking wet sneaks.... good move on my part i think.... but now i am not geting my excercise in for the day. grrr....
oh well, gives me type to type here i guess.

thank god it is friday.
beading party tonight at laureens, i hope i make a few bucks but even if no one shows up, i will be forced to make some jewelry to sell tomorrow at the craft fair. and i really hope i sell stuff then. any money i make will be a plus at this point. i have only about $10 in my pocket and the bank account is tapped tilll next wednesday... i hate it when that happens.

i hope to see jim this weekend, did not hear back last night, he had mentioned me coming over after his daughter was asleep but he never called, i think he just fell asleep, the rain was horrendous anyway so it was probably good i was not on the road last night. i would have been so pissed if i drove home from there at like 12 or 1 and did not get to sleep till 2 and then woke up early to this.... and not be able to get into the gym on like 3 hours sleep.... better i stayed home this time :)

i feel like after this weekend i can finally clean up my room, i feel like i have been leaving it half done because of my jewelry commitments but after tomorrow and i pick out the earrings i am giving to people for xmas, i can put it all away for a few months and not look at it... kind of a bad attitiude but it takes up alot of room and i have not been selling much these days.

well off to the showers early i guess!

feel crappy today, but i still got up and went to the gym... i am SOOOOO surprised at myself for keeping this up.
i expect me to stop at any moment, really.
the only time i actually exercised on a regular basis was when i went to the gym with jean back in the day.... but we followed the gym up with guilty pleasures afterward, like friendlys..... but that was when our metabolisms could handle such things, now i would end up worse than when i started, rather than just erasing the good i did at the gym.

need to do my hair and i hate that part of the day.
jim is still sick but he called to say goodnight last night, in a codeine cough syrup induced coma.... i hope he is better soon.

off to work... ugh!

well once again i will mention to all that have wanted to comment but could not because of the way you had to post a comment in the past.... i have freed it up so that anonymous people can post as well.... hint hint gloria and sally!
just click on the comments at the bottom of the post and you will be lead to a screen where you can type to your hearts content, and i hope to hear from you ....ALL!

i have a few friends, you know who you are, who read and write me a personal email instead of commenting too.

well xmas is upon us and i am in the mood, finally , i think.... maybe..... yeah, i guess i am!
i am in a good place in my head and heart these days.
have a craft fair this weekend as well as a bead party and i HOPE to make a few bucks to help pay the bills this month.
my shopping is almost done but i have some wrapping and some 'making' things still ahead of me.

jim is starting to feel better and joking alot more again... i dont like it when he is sick because
a) i cant be there to take care of him like i want to do, you know ... make soup, fluff pillows, back rubs, that sort of crap that a good girlfriend does
b) he gets grouchy, he says cranky, i say grouchy.... whatever... dont like either

i moved a few things around in my room and i am amazed at the difference... i see myself on a cleaning binge again soon. if i have time.
busy weeks ahead too, every evening has something going on.

big bummer today, jim was going to take me away for the weekend this weekend and doesnt it just figure that i have crap going on this weekend.... i NEVER have anything going on and this weekend i am at a craft fair at st. mary's episcopal church in manchester ct (hint hint to all those local) and saturday night is the torchlight parade ( parade of all the fire trucks in town decorated for xmas and then we have a giant bonfire behind town hall with 8 million pallets) and josh loves to go to that. he is a big stickler for traditions these past few years... especially at xmas.
we have a few others like going to the cemetaries on fathers day and scott's bday and sometimes on the day that he died if it is a weekend.

so i cant disapoint my kid, and in turn i am disapointed because i cant go away with jim. he said maybe we can do it in february... and no, i have no idea where he was going to take me, i did not ask because i did not want to be even more upset about not being able to go.....

and on the other hand.... i am sooooo happy with the effort he is putting forth lately..... he's a good boyfriend, i think i'll keep him!

and ps....to those who have commented lately, it was really nice to hear from new people and even more special that we are all related thru caleb potters blog!

extra extra read all about it
first of all, i have changed the settings on the site and anyone can comment now.
if you want to leave a comment just click on the bottom of that days post where it says 'comments' and you can write in the box and then click anonymous and save or send or post or whatever the box says and you can leave me a comment without hassle!

second, there is a horrific beeping coming from the storage space next door to me and it wont stop and i want to poke my eyes out.

third, things are going well.... josh and i are getting along, every thing is going well with jim, mom's health is good right now (Knock wood) and i think i have a handle on things ... for now!

i look around myself and see the upheaval that has taken place in my bedroom and i want to scream, or throw it all out.... or something.... but i know that i can fix it all very soon, with time... and i should have time to devote to it this week... i hope!

ready for bed, it is going to get cold again tomorrow, i am NOT looking forward to it.
torchlight parade is saturday, i hope it is not freezing then, even with a giant bonfire, it is still pretty cold out there.

i put up my tree this weekend and we finished decorating it last night
when we were done we listened to xmas carols on the radio and sang together (josh and i)
it was fun
i find when i listen to xmas music alone i get sad
and i started to last night, and i decided that i had to change my attitude. sure i always wanted that picture perfect situation in my head about xmas
the boyfriend/husband who was there and attentive
the perfect xmas day where we would not have to drive all over creation and just relax in our own home.
but i dont have that, i never had that, i never will have that.... so why do i hang onto that in my head.
i am a strong woman and should be proud of myself for being a single parent for all these years.
i make a good home for my son and we do just fine.
we have our traditions and no one can take that away from us.
sure right now i am not in a situation where i wake up with my man on xmas morning, but i did not have that last year and the years with zeke were not 'warm and fuzzy' either.
so maybe that is to come, and if it never comes, that is ok too.
i do have a man who is crazy about me and has his own daughter to take care of... and our paths cross when they can. maybe next year or the year after that will be closer to what i imagine, but for now i need to be happy with what i have.
dont let that damn xmas music get you down!

josh is camping.... he is crazy
it is cold cold cold
but i am sure he is fine.
have to pick him up early tomorrow in time to get to church to lead the youth group and then he has to practice with the band.... then
xmas tree time!!
gonna get one and set it up tomorrow and he still has homework to finish
i am finally starting to get into the xmas spirit
not sure why now, and not sure if it will last
i sucked at my diet today, well not all day, but i ate about every chip that jean had in her house so i really messed it up then
feel like i am going to explode
did 5 loads of laundry today and have not put it away yet.... hmmm 10:28 pm

i realized that i had not written in several days
mostly because of being tired and not wanting to
i have hit a new point in my life
the point where mother of 13 year old
meets holiday season
meets growing closer to boyfriend
meets stressing about money
meets trying to be myself at all costs

i'm there!

so many little things are happening in my life
nothing really earth shattering but all building upon each other to make the teetering pile that is my life
josh is working very hard with school and since i have taken a greater interest in his school work he seems to get along better with me.... maybe he was just looking for that from me, who knows.

the holiday season is upon us, and thank god we (people in my life) have decicded to cut back a bit on gifts, i still have to get something for my mom and i am making frames for josh's pics and i still have to do that. but other than that, my xmas shopping is done. and most is wrapped already too.

my boyfreind.... wow, what can i say.... things are slowly progressing, i feel very very comfortable with him, i have no reason to be threatened of jealous of with him, he makes me feel great every time we talk or see each other .... he even made me dinner last night. i have never had any man make dinner for me EVER! he is so sweet and i am sooo happy.

money... huh! well.... i asked for a raise today. i was an emotional wreck. i decided i would never be caught up enough to be at the place i want to be when i asked, so i just asked. he was very receptive to listen to me and said he would have to talk to my other boss who is out this week but would let me know. something happens to me when i get emotional when i have to talk to him about stuff, i just close the door and let my guard down. i hate to cry but i really really could not help it
with the pressure of paying the bills, having my credit card maxed out and not quite sure how i will pay the rent this month, it just all built up and i lost it.
but i feel much better since i asked. it was a hurdle i had not wanted to cross over and i just bit the bullet and asked.

there is alot in my head these days and i try to keep it all sane but sometimes it does not work.
i am totally surpised that i am still getting up early and excercising every day for 20 minutes. i can feel a difference in my stamina and mood but no difference in my weight or body yet... dammit.

well, josh is camping all weekend at northwest park, crazy boys! it is freaking cold out there.
i have about 5 loads of laundry to do and maybe just stay in and keep warm....

feeling grouchy
stuck to my diet today
that is probably why
i want to go to bed but it is too early

gonna surf, maybe find something fun to look at

some days it is harder to live my life than others
the whole parent thing can get me down
sometimes i doubt my decisions
and i want to backtrack but i cant
it is 6:25 am and i have already worked out for 20 minutes and showered and dressed
no straight hair today again
i am just not in the mood.
i will do it tomorrow, i have to go to latham ny with my boss to check out a new computer system
my future is very clear these days on my horizon
i am able to look at things in small peices as well as large chunks
my role as a parent of a high school student is very clear to me, i wil never be off duty
he is smart but does not apply himself enough
i have a good friend whose kids are smart as well but they take the initiative to do all their homework, to A grade capacity, without even a prod or poke from a parent.
they are also a very happy stable two parent family as well, maybe that helps things out.
who knows what josh would be like if he had a normal father and a normal family all this time
who knows what he would be capable of if he had a normal dad who was still alive that he could strive to want to do well to impress.
i expect him to do well and when he does not, i get upset and angry.
i am worried because he is a math kid and he is not doing well in algebra.
they suggested that he would be suited for it, rather than pre-algebra but now he is struggling and i am confused and upset. i feel like my hands are tied because i dont understand algebra so i cant help him, i cant even look at his homework to see if he did it right.
we are meeting with the teacher today and he is on a mission to find a tutor during the day (taht does not cost money, we can get one afterschool but they cost money that i cant afford)

i see other things in my future, like the trip to colorado with my boss to see a computer system that i am nervous and aggitated about. nervous to fly, nervous to be away from josh on school days, nervous about traveling with my boss for that long.... i am sure i will be a better person afterward, and i am sure it will be the only time i will ever see colorado.... but still.... nervous.

and i see good things too like baby steps closer to jim and being in his life. those good things keep me going
they keep me smiling

i am going to steal some words today
written by my friend sharyn on her blog
-----
I remind you to stop and think about what really counts in life...run your fingers over the arms of the man you love, look deeply into the eyes of your child, touch the end of another nose with yours and breathe in their breath, kiss those magical lips with meaning, and remember, remember what it feels like to love.
----
how beautiful is this?
she is a beautiful person!

i cannot write like this, i dont have it in me. at least i dont think that i do.
i just trudge thru my day and write here about things i am doing and things i am going thru
but nothing is meaningful to anyone, nothing moves you ... or me for that matter.
back when i was an emotional wreck i may have written more that was deep and meaningful
but these days, not so much.

i tend to just float along. i often wonder if i should put this blog down.
the things that bother me are so small so often.
but i keep coming back to it
so i can get my feelings out in this manner.

i have bumps ahead of me on this road.
it is not smooth sailing yet! :)

so what is it about the weekends and me?
i heard from jim yesterday around noon, was going to be working in the yard all day
now it is almost noon sunday and i have feelings of dread again
what if he got hurt cleaning the gutters
what if he lost his phone again
no replies to vm or email so far
why cant i just let it go, and let god do the work for me
sure he might be really busy but hell, does it take that long to just shoot me a hello email so i know you are not hurt in the hospital
so i have a party at jeans today for lizzie's bday. i have a spinich casserole in the oven that i am bringing with me.
party starts at 2
just wish i would get some sort of contact from him
sometimes this just kills me
and i dont think it is anything really obvious. i think it is underlying because i am resentful that i dont get to spend weekend time with him yet.
i think if i saw him yesterday or if he was setting it up so i could see him today... then i would not be so upset
but when i dont hear from him all saturday and so far all morning sunday, i wonder, and wondering does not do me any good.
there could be a very simple explanation.... really tired last night and missed my calls, got up late today and busy so far
very simple explanations
but my head just spins and runs and makes me think things like
he is hurt in the hospital
he lost his phone
something 'happened' last night
anything.
everything

but i know that i am a strong confident woman
and i can survive this.
i think the main thing is if he is hurt and not able to use his phone
no one knows to call me.
shannon does not even know i exist.

so i will say a prayer that he is not hurt and just busy
and i will hear from him soon to let my mind rest

thanksgiving day

what i am thankful for....
my son and that he is healthy and relatively happy most of the time (he's 13)
my health, so far so good and i am on the right track trying to exercise again
my friends, i have some very special ones that i could not have gone thru this last year without
jean, patrick, sally, gloria, jenny, sharyn, just to name a few
my family and their health... so far.... and i am lucky to spend another holiday with them all... in tact.
jim, my whole outlook on the future has changed since i met him, i am so happy with him and i know he is happy with me too.
the fact that i have a job still when so many others are loosing theirs or cant find one

my life is bountiful and i am truly thankful

i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving and get to spend some time enjoying the things and people you are most thankful for.

god bless us, everyone....
oh wait that is xmas.... oops! :)

so jim took a step in the right direction, got a sitter to come to the house and was able to come out with us on monday to the tiger to see josh play and he got to stay with me for the night too.
the big steps here are A) got a sitter for the night B) told the sitter who is a good friend that he was on a date... which means that people know about me now, kinda :)

it will all come together, for now, i am not worried at all.
he is gonig to relatives for thanksgiving, maybe next year we will spend it together.
i have to work today and i am not in the mood at all. there is so much to do to prepare for tomorrow and i cant start any of it until i get out of work tonight at 5
i pray to god there is nothing on my schedule that i have to do at 5, no time, no time at all for anything but holiday prep!

frozen.... my toes are frozen... my fingers are frozen.... it is too damn cold out too damn early
going to visit with jean this afternoon, that will be nice, we dont get to do that much these days, our schedules and kids keep us too busy.
my upstairs still looks like i just moved in yesterday... but hopefully we can work on it all later today.
was hoping to see jim today... i am really hoping beyond all hopes that that freaking mother kicks back into gear and starts taking her a couple days a week, like it was supposed to be when i signed up for this!
i have to go on a real diet... i dont care what it is but i have to do it, starting tomorrow i think.... my pants are tight and i am not comfortable at all.
tomorrow is another busy day....
work, payrol, i have a doctors apt with dr d. yearly and i have to discuss my frequent uti woes. josh's conference with his team teachers.... need to get up to speed
and josh is playing at the hungry tiger jam with trey at around 9:30.

it figures the one night i have tons to do, is the night that jim asks me what i am doing when i get out of work. i feel like shit that i was not totally available.... tues is scouts and wed he is going boston way for thanksgiving with relatives and who knows how long he will be gone.
hope just till friday. not that it matters, not like i can definately see him anyway.
but still i like it when he is around to call and email with. it is fun.

up too late
cant sleep
i cannot believe everything i did today
finally that damn bed is out of here, now he has to work on fixing up the room in order to get the new bed... that might take another week.
my eyes are blurry and it hurts to look at the screen.
miss jim, what else is new, we did talk alot and email alot today, but still.... would love to be sitting by his side rather than emailing .... anyday :)
it will come.... he left a msg for his ex about taking his daughter more often, but she did not call him back. big surprise.
i am so ready to get this house in order but it takes so much time. i am getting there... the downstairs is pretty much done.... the uspstairs looks like we moved in today with crap in the halls and boxes everywhere... maybe tomorrow i will make some headway.

so another weekend is here, cant say i dont have alot to do... i have about 5 loads of laundry that MUST be done VERY soon, OR ELSE
we have errands and places to be all morning long tomorrow
and possibly a visit with jean on sunday afternoon.
jim is still sick as a dog and i am worried at this point because of his asthma
every day i hope that he is feeling better and every day he seems to feel worse.
i wish i could do something but really there is nothing i can do, i cant make him go to the doctor and i cant do anything that will make him better
so i just wait
you know how i love to wait

did the vendor fair tonight at clover st and sold about $130, which is great cause that will get me thru the weekend and into the beginning of the week too.

i would love to work on our bedrooms this weekend and take that bed apart and give things to charity and clean up more.
i hope i have the energy to do it all

i miss my boyfriend
it's official
he has been sick and not himself
but also i got to see him 3 times last week and yes i did go to see him on monday night but it was not for long and we barely got time to talk cause he was not feeling well
i want him to get better so i can see if he still likes me as much as he used to cause it is hard to tell when he is sick
does not talk on the phone much and kind of out of it from being groggy

i tell myself that i can deal with this and i truely believe that i can, i have been thru much harder times in my life.
but i have a hard time seeing the end of the tunnel and i wonder how long it will be before i do see it.
this is still really new and he is protecting his daughter, but .........
i still miss him.
i think if he was feeling better he would have tried to come up for lunch this week...
i dont know, maybe it is also because i am not feeling so good either lately
and i am pretty grouchy.

bought everything i need for thanksginving last night, spent like ....over $150, that is alot for me for a party! but $50 was the package store and that should last me a long time.

feel like i have a cold. did all my shopping for thanksgiving day. spent more money... dammit!
relaxing with a drink, it's been a long day.
work is so hectic that when i leave lately, my head is just kinda fuzzy. does not help that i am not feeling up to par, but i get so drained from work this week, i am just a lump at the end of the day.

jean invited me out tonight and i would really like to go but i cant afford it and i am so damn tired by 8pm .... again the lump feeling. ugh!

i feel like i should be writing about my feelings but really i am doing ok lately.
i will be glad when jim is no longer sick, he is not really himself, as it is with most people.
he will not be coming to my house for thanksgiving but he will be going to his cousins in mass so i am glad he wont be alone with his daughter thinking about his mom.

i am too tired to think of things to write anymore tonight....

my stomach is grumbling
i am tired but not sleepy
i feel like i am coming down with what ever jim has
money has got me down
and being a mom is super tedious today, more than usual

so up until today i was feeling odd about things since last wednesday
and i felt today that i was no longer able to see the future with jim
i could always see it so clearly but today i could not see it

and then it all turned around. we were talking on the phone around noontime, just joking and laughing and he stopped and said 'i miss you'
and then he asked me to come over tonight

i dont know if it will happen cause he is sick and might just fall asleep early but it was nice that he said those things and nice that he thought that.

i feel much better now.

work was HELL today
i am not even remotely close to caught up and i would be surprised if i am by the end of the week. certified payroll is giving me fits and i am just stuck on it right now.
would love to have it be the start of my vaca all over again.

gonna go don my winter coat and go for a walk to walk off the buffalo wild wings dinner josh and i just ate.... eek!

i just realized that i never left the house today
well, i worked outside cleaning up the back deck area and the front garden
but never got in the car at all.
not even for a coffee

we did more cleaning and sorting
and josh and i watched a movie and played games at the living room table.
it was a nice day

jim is still sick
i hope he is better soon

i am not feeling myself, or the way it used to be.... before our 'situation' on wednesday
i am trying to get back the way i was but i feel odd
because i am trying not to mention our future life together as to show him respect for his decision to wait to introduce me
but on the other hand i feel strained when speaking, hoping i dont overstep

it is like i lost my way
and it feels very odd.
today felt better than the last few days
maybe i am still shaken by the fact that i almost lost him last week
maybe i am still getting my footing back

i hope to get over this eggshell feeling
i spent too many years walking on them
i wont do it again

my head feels cluttered today
kind of like the drawers of this desk that i am trying to clear out
i hope my shower will set me straight
no church today for me, i got up too late for that. i would have to be ready and out the door in less than an hour... dont think i am capable of that today
it is my last day before vaca is over and i dont feel like rushing around.

i need desperately to come up with some excercise daily for 30 minutes. it is so hard to force myself to do anything like that.
maybe when i rearrange my room the treadmill will make more sense.... who knows.

my diet is killing me, i am not gaining but also not loosing.

well, off to the showers and i hope that i can get my head together
i also hope i get to speak to jim a few times today, that always seems to help too.

well it wasnt a busy day and it wasnt an exciting day but i made it thru just fine
my attitude was very good today.
spoke to jim several times and he is a bit sick, hope he is feeling better by morning
went to lunch with patrick, at union st, it was yummy as usual.... thanks patrick!
i am very happy with my living room, i can sit in there and it feels like HOME and that is exactly what i was going for
now i have to work on my bedroom, i hope by then end of tomorrow i will have a good feeling about my bedroom too.

here i am with yet another day all to myself
josh is camping, yes it is raining
i rearranged my living room and i LOVE it.
still have lots of paperwork to go thru and find a home for and next up is my bedroom. that will be the rough stuff
not sure what to do up here.

i was hoping to sleep later but my mom woke me early so here i am.
will try to go back for a cat nap before i have to get up for the day.

well here it is
my last day of vacation
nothing accomplished at all
i got to see jim 3 of the 5 work days (today he is too busy)
that is alot better than normal weeks

i have a new outlook on our relationship and am dealing with things differently in my head, i hope that it works for both of us.

i have a new outlook on how to deal with others as well. i hope that works out too.

i tried to sell josh's bed.... again... and it did not sell so i would like to get it out of here and into the storage space asap so we can move on with life.

i would like to do some organizing today, maybe furniture moving... who knows.
i basically have the whole day ahead of me and i dont know what to do first!

my new theory
take one day at a time
one weekend at a time
one holiday at a time

my business is no ones business but my own

no need to ruffle feathers of people like my mom, just have an answer when they ask the question and move on.....

soon enough my life will be in overdrive again with the holidays coming up and everything.... and i dont need the extra drama.

i just saw a flair on face book that said
junior high called, it wants its drama back.....
i am all for that!!
----
he did call by the way and everything is fine, as far as i can tell at least.

waking up to a new day
i almost lost it all last night
by telling jim about my mother giving me a hard time about seeing him and the holidays
i in turn made him feel so bad about putting me thru this that he was going to break up with me
luckily, for now, he changed his mind
i say for now because i am waiting to hear from him as of yet today and maybe after he slept on it he may have changed his mind back again

me on the other hand, i have to look at this in a different light
i have to treat it like a long distance relationship and i have to realize how new it really still is, because in a normal 3+ month relationship, people would have gone on probably at least 2 dates a week for that period of time, maybe even more as the months progressed. we have been on very few and so it is almost like part of the relationship is still in the first month.

i am feeling sick to my stomach and i feel like i want to cry
i feel like there is a huge weight on my chest and i am trying to push it off
i know i can do this
i can handle this waiting period, i am the most patient person on earth it seems with all that i put up with when i was with scott and everything else i have done in my life.
i can do this
i have to shake it off and see where it leads

i will not feel better until i hear from him today tho
until i know for sure he is back to normal

so let me start this post by saying that i am still crazy about jim and look forward to our future together. i still respect him for not wanting to have his daughters feelings hurt and i think it is commendable that he is doing this. i also want to not that even though it is going on 4 months, it is still new.

it really gets me down when everyone makes a big deal out of me not being able to see jim....most particularly .... my mother.
pretty much everyone else knows the drill by now, they know that i dont get to see him often and they ask me in such a way that does not make me feel bad, or stupid. they know how i feel and what lengths i am willing to go to for our relationship to last.

but my mom just does not get how much she irritates me and belittles me when she brings this up. i KNOW part of it is her memory. she cant remember little things never mind something this big (to me). but i find that i dont stay long at her house anymore, i come in and drop things off and leave, or i do the pill box and run out. i dont visit anymore because i am afraid she is going to bring it up again.
and she did, last night.
i stopped in to help her with something she could not do by herself and we were watching jeopardy and she started asking me about jim. she asked about thanksgiving, which the holidays are really making me cringe lately all on my own. she asked if he will join us and i said probably not because i have not met his daughter yet. she then started to ask me how long i was going to put up with this.
i lost it at that point.
i told her 'this is the deal' and i have explained it before. and i told her that is why i dont stay and chat with her anymore, because i am afraid she is going to keep bringing it up.

it really is a touchy subject for me. i have never had to deal with this before.
and neither has he
the lack of babysitters is astonishing. and i think i know how he feels about someone new, like using the sitter i found for him. when josh was younger i dont know how i would have felt about leaving him with someone i did not know. i have never had to deal with that. i have always had my mother and my sisters and if for some crazy reason none of them were available i have jean and i bet even laurel would take him for a short time.
i have back up
he does not have back up
it is that simple.
and i can put myself in that position and think how it must feel.

i told him the other day when i was emotional about the holidays (after watching sex and the city the movie, which i am soooo glad i did not see in the theater because i cried all thru the damn thing) i told him i dont care what he has to do but i will not be alone on new years eve, so he has got to arrange it.
my guess is i wont have met his daughter by then and i will be alone.

my hopes are getting dashed lately because i have no idea how long he is going to wait. if he waits the same 9 months he waited with the last one, i definitely wont be with him at any holidays anytime soon.

in the grand scheme of things, several months is nothing when after that several months you are together from then on. he is worth the wait i just dont know how long i will have to wait.
as long as he keeps making his best effort to be with me when he can, and if that useless mother would start taking her kid even once a week, i can put up with it for a while longer. the effort on his part makes it easier for me to deal with.

but when people keep hounding me about seeing him and asking how long will i put up with it..... it really really gets me down. and unfortunately my mom's memory is such that she will keep bringing it up, maybe not again today or this week but i guarantee at least once more before thanksgiving. and several more times before xmas.

i cant express in words how much i wish and pray every day that he will find the acceptance in his heart and take a chance on introducing me to his daughter.
my lesson in patience and loss of control of a situation continues....

getting some much needed cleaning and clearing out done
it is like clearing cobwebs from the corners of my mind when i am able to throw out things that mean nothing to me anymore... whether i have moved on from it or i just have not touched it in a year or more or i just feel the need to toss it and i will feel better.... it just makes me feel good to do it.

and i find things, like my last registration for my car that i KNEW i got and paid for but lost the envelope with the sticker for my car... 2 years ago....
or sometimes i find change to add to the change jar
or sometimes old mementos from josh that help me remember how cute he was when he was small.

new events in our lives.... josh is about to embark on possibly being in a blues band with other youths and maybe, just maybe go to memphis in february to play at the international blues society.
nothing is written in stone yet, we are just going to meet the guitar player and his dad on thursday so the boys can meet and jam and see if they have the same playing styles etc etc. he is 16 and goes to school in manchester. the drummer is 15 and lives in mass near the cape.
who knows how it will all turn out, but even if it does not materialize, i am excited for him to play with others and keep up with his blues training.
this was all suggested by zeke of all people.... he is the only guy i ever broke up with that is still my friend. maybe i have just gotten to a point where i am adult enough to accept that too.

it is like with facebook. i look at these people and i dont suggest that i am their friend because i think "we only used to talk in grade school they probably dont remember me or would not have any interest in talking to me" but i have found that this is not true. we are all adults now and have similar interests and are going thru similar things. i think it is great that i am able to connect with people i never thought i would see again in my life. that must just be the sentimental part of me talking. i know that is not for everyone.... but i am glad for the connections i have made, and hope to make more.

i saw rene yesterday at the ortho and we got to talking about a reunion... since there is not going to be one this year (25 years whoo hoo) we thought maybe we would try to set up a meeting on facebook of who ever is in town on a particular weekend and pick a spot and say 'stop by for a drink' and see who we get.
even if only a few show up, at least we tried.

i am on vacation.... YAY
nothing planned, just errands and seeing jim where i can
gonna catch lunch with patrick and try to catch up with jean too
getting my act together at home is a huge undertaking and i can tell you right now i am not in the mood for it today!
actually right now i dont feel like doing anything.... that is exactly what i am going to do .... nothing!

by the way, i did talk to jim, all is well, he was just visiting with the guys and the conversation turned to things that he needed to vent about and he told me 'console' and 'traumatic' were poor choices of words... ahh, men, when will they learn to be more like us?
never.

sunday
a day like all days
i am up early to get ready for church
then we go to lunch with grammy jeanne out in willimantic
i called jim last night just to say hi and he said a buddy was over helping to console him
i asked about what and he said he would call me in a few minutes when the guy left
he never called, never answered my calls
sure it probably is as simple as he was exhausted and fell asleep but in my mind, it races around and hits off all the walls of my brain.
so again on a sunday morning, i wait to hear from him
being removed from his life (well not really removed, just not let inside)
this is hard for me because i care so very much and i am not allowed to be part of it
i cant imagine what had happened between 5 when i talked to him last and 9pm when he needed to be consoled.
could be anything

either way, i have no recourse but to wait for a call or email
i left msgs he knows how i am feeling and wishing i could help.

he has been a loner for so many years, not letting people in, dealing with problems on his own, this is something i dont think will ever change.

some days this is very hard for me
to be the removed girlfriend
i cant be there for him when he has troubles
and on the flip side i cant be there for good times either

this is hard sometimes.

so i went to the docs today
my bp was 130/90 today, lower than yesterday with my caffeine induced jitters but still too high.
he told me to loose inches in my waist... it was not my weight that mattered it is the inches and i need to loose like 3 or more.... HA! good luck to ya on that one!

well i am undecided about what i should do for diet
i was thinking of going back to small meals keeping track of calories, using cereal, soups and pre-made meals for breakfasts and lunches and a small dinner, stay away from treats like i always do, but incorporate more fruits and veggies into it.

sounds like a good idea... but i love food so much i get so freakin hungry, not sure how that will work for me.
i might also switch to red wine because it is better for your health :)

been over a week since i have seen jim, and i miss him. the weekend is coming and i have no idea if i will see him or not. i wish that mother would just take her once in a while. i hate that.

tomorrow is my last day before vacation. nothing planned but i do hope to see jim each day even for a bit (m-f) while the kids are at school.... i hope.

i am absolutely not one of the bloggers posting every day in november
but here is one anyway

they did not take my blood tonight at the blood drive... not because i was anemic like usual, but because my blood pressure was crazy high
something like a million over two million.... actually it was 140 over 110
both crazy high numbers but the bottom was much more of a concern
so naturally i came home thinking i would die
so if i am gonna die i am gonna go out having a good time so i had some wine and i made brownies so i could lick the bowl.... i feel better now and my home blood pressure thingy said 130 over 90 a few minutes ago which is much more normal for me.

i did have a diet coke for lunch which i never never do and the caffeine must have effected me quite a bit.

i will make an appointment with dr sherwood tomorrow and i think i am going off atkins. it cant be good for me.
i have been on it for over a year and i think my blood pressure is telling me something.
i will look into small well balanced meals and see if i can control my weight that way.

i miss jim, have not seen him in a week and i am hoping he will call me to come over tonight but i am not holding my breath at this point.

gonna go lie down for a while.... and relax.

i just remembered that josh has to finish a project, and i wont be getting him from grammy's till noonish. and i put his bed on ebay and if it sells (auction ends tonight at 10pm) i will have to take it apart pretty hasty like so the people who bought it can come pick it up. it has 3 watchers but no bids so technically it might not sell at all. so i wait till 10pm and see.
it is a good possibility that jim took off for the weekend, have not heard from him since yesterday at noonish.... i would much rather have it be that scenario than him being hurt somewhere, in the hospital etc etc.
so again, i wait.
i have to go to church today to attend the teachers meeting and help jenny out a bit but that is it.
not sure what i will do with the rest of my day.... dont want to break that bed down in case it does not sell.

perhaps people might start listening to me someday soon
josh might accept that i am right once in a while
and other people too
i told equity that i wanted some paint to touch up, i mentioned there are two kinds, i thought they used a gloss in the kitchen and bathrooms and the girl said no i dont think so
so they left me a 55 gallon tub of it (really it was not THAT much but it was heavy) and i painted all the scuffs all over the apartment and hours later, low and behold, the stuff in the kitchen is glossy... huh? whoda thunk it, i was right!?

anyway i dont even care anymore.

i painted, i did mom's shopping, i brought josh to his lesson, i got the pics from the wedding duped at cvs i went to the scariest place on earth (walmart) to do some shopping.....
i am out of ideas of things to do.... i stuck to atkins pretty well today, but the day is not over yet, far from it.... it is only 6pm
i have not heard from jim since 11am i have a feeling he skipped town for the weekend, but i am just guessing. would be nice if he returned my calls but whatever :)

anyway, now i dont know what to do, josh is at mom's for the night and the only thing i know of is going to kevin's football game at 7pm but i am already cold i dont want to be cold for 3 more hours.

oh i also went to the cemetery where my dad is buried. that is where i go when i want to think about the future, i talk to dad, i talk to god..... it is peaceful and beautiful there.
but cold.... so i did not stay long.

i made ground turkey with taco seasoning and now i am stuffed.
going to surf for a while

here i sit with the whole weekend ahead of me
no real plans except josh's lesson this morning
this weekend i could use to clean or organize or paint
i have no idea what i will want to do when i finally get started

we have the bed on ebay and the auction is over tomorrow night, no bids yet
but if someone buys it, we will have to take it apart and get it to the people.
or at least get it into pieces out front so they can pick it up.

i just dont think it will sell.... but i have to be prepared anyway.... i work well under pressure.

i asked the equity if i could have some paint to touch up since i will be here another year and the walls are scuffed... so they brought me a 5 gallon bucket too big to lift. not sure how i will pour the paint without getting it everywhere but i will try.

i have all sorts of little things that hang on the walls that i picked up from laurel's cleaning, i can get my act together and hang them too. and i have floating shelves i would love to put up so i can put out more pictures etc.

josh's room needs to be cleaned out completely, i could work on that too.

or i can rent movies and sit and watch them and drink wine all day.... i have so many options