pinch me

this man is everything i ever wanted
he emails he calls
he calls just to say he is thinking about me
i am attracted to him
he is hilarious
i am so comfortable with him

someone pinch me, cause there is no way this is real.....
wait a minute... it is!!!

i am still tipsy from this evening at the riverfront....
but i know i have a good thing here...

dream

so i had a dream that i very vocally and in public broke up with the professor.
i was somewhere with friends or co workers and it happened to be the school that he taught at.
he ran into me and parked his car behind mine and found me eating lunch.
came in and sat next to me like nothing was wrong and like we had talked every day since we met. i was trying to have lunch or whatever i was doing with these friends and he kept getting closer to me
making innuendo about sleeping together and all that crap
finally i got pissed and started screaming at him in front of everyone that he cant treat me like this and i never want to see him again. then i go get in my car and back into his car. i move my car to another spot and then went back to lunch or whatever with these friends.

i could barely remember that dream because i had it in the middle of the night but i just remembered when i was in the shower.
talk about closure!

i did not sleep well, or long for that matter, but i am up and clean... this is a good sign.
have to finish my hair and deal with the dog.
i am not looking forward to work but i am looking forward to hearing from the realtor. we spoke a few times yesterday (at lunch and at 5:30) so the fact that i did not talk to him at 9 is not a big deal.... my head will tell me it is... but i have to remind myself of the content of the talks we had and emails as well.... and with reassurance to myself..... i can remain breezy.

i asked him if he gets his mail at the office (cause i would guess that i might have gotten the address wrong if he had not gotten it yet) he said it goes to his mom's house and the secretary gets it every few days and puts stuff on his desk. i told him i mailed him a card, nothing too flirty to be mailed to the office but keep an eye out for it and i described the envelope.

i still think he will like it.
if he ever gets it!

so i guess i should go get ready for work. someone is supposed to stop in today and talk to me about something.... but i cant remember who it is or what it is about.... either way, i am not leaving the office except for lunch.... oh well.

frog

a little post before i go to sleep
apparently maybe one of my coffees today was not decaf
i just watched a movie and i am still pretty much wide awake.
it is 12:30ish

i am enjoying the realtor so much
he calls.... he emails..... he is a checker in-er
i LIKE that
it is still all too new to hang my hat on but everyone can tell how excited i am about knowing him
everyone says i have not been this happy since pete (freakin whats his name to those of us in the know)
i am excited to see him this weekend and get to know him better and spend more time with him.

i still dont know if he is a player, maybe he is seeing other women along with me, maybe he is still active on match

right now, at least in my head, i can feel kind of confident that i am the only one, since he has had his daughter since sunday and i was with him friday and saturday.... but you never know. he might meet someon he thinks is way better than me. and that would be his choice and i would just have to dust myself off and move on. because i will be damned if i am going to try to convince someone they should be with me.

tonight i deleted my match bookmark to make it harder for me to look... i printed his pics i dont need to look online.
it will only hurt me to know he is still active.
still looking while with me, either now or in the future.
but like i said to jean, it is no different than him going to dinner and picking up the waitress.
and as jean pointed out to me, i am free to pick up the waiter as well.
i know i just dont want either of those things to happen

and i am far too old fashioned for this online crap... we knew this the minute i started it.
right now i see a man who i am attracted to, is funny as hell, very sensitive, a great father, a great businessman and he likes me
he really likes me
and that, above all the rest, is what i am most happy about.
he could be a reptile without a job and if this particular man still liked me.... it would make me very happy
i keep thinking of the toads and frogs.... and wondering if this is the frog i have been waiting for while knee deep in toads.
still too soon to say, but i really look forward to finding out.

i am having so much fun
this guy is great
emails, calls, likes me, wants to see me....
loving it!

fresh perspective

so today i woke with that breezy attitude back somewhere in my body
a little of the desperation gone from my tone
i realize that if this is not 'it' then that is the way it is meant to be

i am not forcing him to email and call, he is doing this of his own accord.... a hell of alot more than others have done in the last 3 months. granted eeyore was good for about a week....

i want so many things... i want to invite him to jeans party on the 31st, i want to have him invite me to the shore when he is on vacation the same week that i am, i want to invite him to my sisters wedding.
it is all still too soon for any of that.

the first thing that will happen is this weekend and if he chooses to spend more than one evening with me i think i will be doing really well. if he does not then i think he might be seeing other women and i know that if i am going to be the 'victor' in this, i just have to be myself, slow and steady wins the race and see where it goes.

i have to have the breezy attitude because if i am not the victor.... i have to not be crushed and move on.... or take a break for a while instead.
i dont know where this will lead.... i dont know where anything will lead.... i dont know where i will be tomorrow... but i have to just be myself and know that being me is good enough... it is good enough for any man i choose to date and if they cant see that, there is something wrong with them.

when ever someone chooses someone else over me i always immediately think their body must be better than mine... or a prettier face.... or longer hair.....
my personality is me, i cant change that and i like the person i am.
i cant do anything about my body or face and i cant grown my hair long, i hate it long and i am the one who has to 'deal' with it everyday.

i just hope for the man one day who meets me and acts like i am a breath of fresh air and really wants me... for me.... all of me.... good bad and ugly.....
if the realtor is not that man.... i will be sad but not crushed....
and if he is, i believe i will be quite happy with him.
until that is decided... i just go about my business and be myself.
clean my house and do my laundry and see my friends......

and go to work.... ugh!

a toast

again another good day
work was fine
got emails from the realtor
i really like him
went to hartford with laurel to look at her 'new' neyba-hood.
it was a fun trip.
talked to the realtor, cant wait to see him again.
memberships are expiring tonight.... thank god.
make me stop looking at his to see if he was active.... make me stop
i like to think someone contacted him and he replied thank you but i am in a relationship right now....
i like to think that i am the only one he is seeing but who knows.... you just dont know.
too soon to tell
too soon to expect anything like that.
too soon.....

as laurel said tonight
'i know sometimes what happens is what is supposed to happen for a reason, but here's to getting what we want for a change;

here here!

reflection

i think i am actually catching up on my sleep, i got to sleep by 10 last night and the night before and i feel much better today.
looking forward to the weekend when i can see the realtor again.
with everyone else knocked out of the picture now, there is less 'action' meaning no more constant emails and juggling.
but when i think of him i get a good feeling.
and i know that if it does not work out, i will be ok, and better off for knowing him.
i look at myself, i look into myself and i know what i am looking for, and the person is not magical or non-existent
i just want someone who wants to talk to me, wants to be part of my life, someone i can look forward to seeing, or speaking to.
a friend and a lover
i guess someone who has all the redeeming qualities that my past boyfriends have had.... and not all the bad qualities.
i truly believe this person exists and i will find him.... maybe i have.... who knows.
too soon to tell, but off to a great start.
i know that when i talk to him i make him feel good, and he makes me feel good.
he asks about me, and seems to care.

i am glad he has a daughter and can understand single parenthood, not so much as a divorced dad, but more like what i am going thru because he has her so often.

i know that i would love the next one to be the last one.... silly dream that i have.
i would love to have someone who really wants me... as a person, as a woman, as a partner
and that takes time, lots of time.

evening, sleepy

first of all, the spell check is not working tonight so if i have misspelled anything.... get over it please.

you are right patrick, i did lie to myself as well.... but i kept going back to the professor because i was/am lonely. and he was all i had.
i know it was wrong, i can tell by the look on everyones faces when i told them about our 'relationship' if that is what you can call it.
i am glad he has not called, i dont want to deal with him ever again.


i also hope this new guy works out and i do deserve to be happy.

so i did something silly tonight
many of you would say i should not have done it
and i debated it for a while but did it anyway.
(let me premise this by saying that every day since i met the realtor he has called me, and emailed me, and when i say good night he says he will talk to me tomorrow... and he does...
not that it has been months and months, it has only been a few days, but he has a better track record than anyone else i have dated in the last 3 months.....)


so i was buying b-day cards for my brothers in law and i saw out of the corner of my eye one that said
'i think i am a sqirrel because i like you and you are a big nut'
it just caught my eye...
the inside says
'plus i am a bit skittish and indecisive too'
i loved it. it was perfect.
that was me
this is me
this is what i do
this is part of my giving 110%
so i bought it
and i looked at it for a while and then decided to write in it.
nothing lovey dovey, dont worry, just a thank you sort of note.
then i sealed it
then i looked up his address... his work address cause his home address is not listed, and i dont really remember what it was... i could guess but i might guess wrong.
then i tossed it in the car
then i went to the post office to buy stamps so i can mail my sisters shower invitations
..........then i mailed it!


and after i mailed it ... i did not regret it one bit

this is who i used to be.... i used to mail cards to special people just to show them i am thinking of them.... that was the old days before email... so to actually mail a card like that, says that you took the time to show the person that you care.
dont worry i wont make a habit of it.... i just felt it was the right thing to do at that moment
i know that he will smile when he gets it..... i just know this.
and again, if something like this turns him off or scares him.... then he is not the one for me because that is the person i am looking for... i am looking for someone who wants my attention, my affection.... eventually my love.

this is the end

so my yahoo expires today and match ... tomorrow....
and what do we have to show for all of it.
many weird experiences, a thicker skin, people i thought i could fall for but didnt... and one left... that i think is SO right but it is TOO soon to tell.
and just by saying certain things i have said... i may have ruined it.
just by actions... but i have to know that if it is RIGHT then anything i said or did will not ruin it
and if they do ruin it... it was not RIGHT to begin with.

so here i am at the edge of this cliff, looking down over the edge, waiting to take the next step onto a green pasture, flat, level, no dangerous drops, nothing bad to step in, and the tumultuous few months of online dating will come to an end... and my little heart cant stand much more of it anyway.

maybe the realtor is the guy i have been looking for, maybe not. but the only way to tell is time. and i hope he is willing to give it the time. i certainly am.

i am still totally tired and not in the mood for anything... my house is still a mess and we were planning to go to the tiger tonight for gene's jam and i dont know that i will be up for it. i feel like i am coming down with a cold or something, i could fall asleep right here while i type.... i am so tired.

off to finish my hair and feed the fluffy.... and go to work

additionally

i met blues guy, very nice, no physical chemistry for me, he is nice guy but right now not for me.
the realtor called to say goodnight... i was stoked!
he said he will call me tomorrow... i hope that he does.

have you ever met someone you felt so comfortable with you can say anything, similar sense of humor, just as sensitive as you are, looking for the same things in a match.
it just seems so right with him.
i want to give it a try
i am thrilled that my memberships will run out in 2 days
i dont want to know about match anymore.
i want to see where it goes with the realtor..... the connects are wonderful.... lets see what happens.

again

ok i am sitting here thinking about how people are not who they say they are.... people are not what they appear to be
i am thinking about the professor who told me that if he was done seeing me he would call me and tell me.... he would never just not call.
and that is exactly what he did
and if he calls i am not taking the call
and if i talk to him i am going to tell him off... well at least i will tell him that this is not working out.
i hate liars
i hate them
and since i dont know any of these people they all could be telling the truth or they could all be liars.
i am a bit pissed off for some reason and i am way too tired ... i only slept about 3 hours since friday night and i drove alot yesterday... i just layed down for a rest and woke up to thunder and thought it was the next day
i need to get to bed early tonight.

i guess i am just wondering if i can believe anything that the realtor says... god i hope so.
i have not felt like this since pete i think.
not really sure why, but we just hit it off.
and i am a wreck inside wondering if he really feels the way he said he does.
i just have to be breezy

wow... again

well .... i just love this guy
he is smart, funny, caring, sensitive, a great single dad, lots of fun, really likes me....
cant wait to see him again.
i went to visit him last night after the jewelry party (which i made over $250 yay!) got there at 10:45 talked till 3:00am.... i stayed over so i would not have to drive home... no i did not have sex with him ....
we went to breakfast and i stayed there till about 2pm.... he has his daughter for the next 4 or 5 days but he will definitely call (when his kid is with him, yay again) and said we would see each other in a few days.
he does not introduce his daughter to the dates until it goes to the next level. i dont blame him, josh does not need to know about any of these guys until they are someone special to me.

oh god.... please let him be someone special to me, and me to him
i have SUCH a good feeling about him.

i still have to meet blues guy tonight, will go anyway just to see what he is like... make a new friend... but i really really like the realtor.... alot!

he called
more than once
yay!!

no word from the professor... screw him!

so i am liking the realtor... cant wait to get to know him better, might see him tomorrow for lunch... not definite yet.
gotta go get ready for my jewelry party... maybe take a tiny nap

oh, josh was really happy to see me and we had a nice visit for about an hour.

:-)

ok those of us in the know... know that amy tries not to get excited about anything in this match.com world because they always seem so nice and then they loose their jobs, or their voices, or interest in dating....
so last time i did not get excited about harley guy because i just knew something would happen to that one....

BUT last night was different ..... his profile said he would make me laugh till my sides hurt... .and they did
he took me to an actual place.... bought me drinks and food..... he is well dressed.... he loves to talk and talked about everything from funny things, to divorce, to swearing, to his mom and sister passing away.
he let me talk too.... huh! what a concept.
but even if he didnt i would have had a blast just laughing.

he did ask for a kiss, yay, and i reciprocated.
another good thing... good kisser.
when i left him he said 'i am SO calling you tomorrow'
that is good, that is what i want.

so today i have to go for my hair apt, then get on the road immediately to roger williams university to bring josh his bass amp drumsticks lyrics and tabs for 3 songs, and i hope i get to visit with him for a bit too.
then i have to come back home and finish getting the bead stuff ready for tonight at deb's house and be there by 6ish..... eek!
can i do it.... YES I CAN

one weird thing about this guy (who we will call the realtor) is that he has custody of his daughter... has her 4 days and ex has her 3 days then he has her 5 days and the ex has her 2 days.... so his weekends will not always be free, in fact he might go a couple weekends in a row that are not free, depending how that schedule looks on a calendar..... so i may not get to see him much, at least not until he decides to introduce me to her.... which will be a while.... this is good because it kind of guarantees that it will go slow.... or at least slower than i usually go.... hmmm

so i will be leaving shortly for most of the daylight hours... i will write later to add if he did call me or not.

and as for blues guy tomorrow... i am still meeting him.... i know we will get along.... but my vision might be blurred by last night to give him a fair shake.... but i will try to do my best.
he has had two things against him all along... lives too far away and i was not sure there would be physical chemistry for me.... but who knows ....i could walk in there tomorrow and forget all about the realtor.... you just dont know.....

early

off to work... have to go to court in mass today
gotta get on the road
all is well with me right now.

no professor yet but i am not alarmed
talking to two others... really two is more than enough for me at one time anyway
i am in a good place today
just rushed
gotta feed fluffy and get gas and get on the road!

grouchy

ok so here i am
a new day
harley guy definitely has signed on since i sent the email and did not reply... that sucks cause i really liked him
when someone i really like, does not like me, it dashes my hopes for finding someone.
i honestly think i wont find anyone for my future on these sites.
i will be glad to see the sites go next week, at least for a while... then it will all be on me and the phone and regular emails.

i have the professor.... who i have not spoken to since saturday night.... saturday night...... it is thursday morning.... i think i am the only person he is seeing... how can he think that is enough? it's not. the next time i see him i will have a talk with him and see where it goes from there.
i dont think we are looking for the same things at all in a relationship.

i have the blues guy who i am sure i will love his personality, but not sure about physical chemistry AND he lives an hour away.

i have harp who wants to keep in touch but never emails or calls.... hmmm.... how can these people be THAT busy?

i have a new one from portland, he does not have a nickname yet :), i know very little about him but he was interested in talking. BUT have not heard back since my last email yesterday.

there are 4 other contacts that i made but the people have not been on the computer in the last 3 days.... so those i wait for.... if they sign on and dont reply or if they look at my profile and dont reply, i just knock them out of the list.... that is the way it goes here online.... pretty rude actually. i usually always reply even if it is a no. my profile is still up on yahoo so they have something to look at, it is down on match so if they reply to my email on match it is slimmer odds.

i feel fat, i know i am only about 4 pounds heavier than i was several months ago, but it is enough to make me feel fat. the only way i will loose it is to eat very little carbs each day for about 2 - 3 days.... but i am always so hungry.... it never works out for me :)

off to finish getting read for work.... i am sick of being alone... sick of not having someone to love me.... sick of it i tell you!

a bit bummed

ok so i might have been wrong about harley guy... because later in the day the computer active within 3 days... so maybe, just maybe he has not seen my email yet. i wrote it early yesterday morning. and sent it mid morning i think.... but i am not going to call because if he did see it and is ignoring it, i dont want to make it even more uncomfortable by calling and putting him on the spot (or me for that matter)
so if he does not read it for a few days and thursday comes and goes, and he does like me a bit, he will probably write that he was sorry he missed my email bla bla bla.... maybe his computer is down again... who knows.
if he goes online tonight and does not reply, then i will know for sure.

sent out more random contacts.... just trying to make initial contact at this point with people who seem to be interested in me....
still no word from the professor but i dont expect to hear from him till friday... that is my guess at least.

at this point i am feeling a bit down
i know there is nothing wrong with me but it makes me feel like there is
with the rejection and all
i could be such a great girlfriend but it seems no one wants to give me the time so that i can show them
it is all so superficial
how can you get to know someone from an email?
you cant
how can you get to know someone from one date?
you cant
how can you have a connection of any sort?????

well, i am not giving up yet. even when the memberships end in a weeks time i hopefully will have a connection or two other than the professor... and hopefully i can have some fun going out on dates this summer!!!

oh well

and then there were 3
well it appears, being nancy drew i can figure this shit out on my own, that harley guy did in fact go online last night at some point because the computer did not switch from active in 24 hours to active in the last 3 days (it does this when you have not signed on for 25 hours or so).... so that means that he saw my email and decided not to reply. which i kinda thought he would reply either way .... but i guess not.
unless he saw it at 11:30 last night and decided he would call me today or reply today or check his schedule today... but most likely .... it is the case that he did see the email and is choosing not to reply.
again, i have no idea why someone would chat me up for so long and not like me.
and again, what was wrong with me that he didnt like me. i barely spoke, didnt have much time too while he was talking.... and i thought i looked pretty enough for a date.....
whatever.

i am just depressed again because i have the professor who is 1/7 of a boyfriend (i am basing it on the amount of days a week i get to see/talk to him)
i have the blues guy who i will get along with but probably wont be physically attracted to and he lives too freaking far away
and harp who i cant even get to call me or email more than 7 words... but he still wants to keep in touch.
the two i contacted on yahoo ignored me too.
men suck
relationships suck
i am sick of all this trying, it should be easier.
it sucks cause i really liked harley guy and was attracted to him as well... but apparently something about me wasnt right for him.
again, maybe there is the slight chance that he might be planning on getting back to me later... but if tomorrow comes and goes, the answer is for sure.

i used perfumed body wash and matching perfume today, i found the body wash when i actually did some cleaning last night of my medicine drawers. so i did get something done.
patrick and daniel called me out for beer last night at chilis.... in simsbury!! i went anyway cause i was looking to get out and see them... but it was a haul for less than an hour's visit ... and i still did not get to bed before midnight because i was checking to see if harley guy had answered or been online.....
if i was stupid and only had email to check.... it would be so much easier, but i am not stupid and i do check all the other avenues to get my answers.

josh called, he is doing well and having fun, wants me to bring his bass and amp and i told him i might be able to do it on sunday morning... he is checking to see the times that parents can come visit.

i am too busy for all this men crap.... but i was hoping by the time josh went away this summer that i might have a new fling that wanted to see me alot. i just have a partial fling who wants to see me when he has time.... which is rarely.

time to go let the dog out and finish my makeup.....

ok how many times can i write today

it's not that i even have that much to say really, i just dont want to clean my house... i need to clean but i dont feel like it.
i am coloring my hair presently... thank god, the roots were very scary.
i just finished watching '10things i hate about you' which was a cute movie... you know me, stuck in the 90's cause i take my movies out of the library for free :)
i have a jewelry party saturday and i am not even prepared!!!
have to order more beads so that i can have a party at laureens in a few weeks too... i miss those, it is fun to get together with the girls.
debating watching 'juno' AGAIN! i love that movie.... thanks again gloria!

kinda hoping i will get a call or email tonight but i have a feeling i wont... it is far too late for the professor and much too early in the week
harley guy will read my email around 10:30 pm and we shall see if he replies or not..... 50/50 chance either way really
i just want to date.... that is all i really ever wanted was to date... and maybe make a connection....

now honestly can the professor really think that i am ok with not hearing from him all week long? well actually i am ok with it but if he were the only person i was seeing, i would certainly not be ok with it.
that is just crazy talk.

i hope that harley guy answers either way.... i dont really care yes or no (we actually i do hope for a yes but i would not be surprised by a no) but i want to know either way.... not be left hanging again.
my email specifically asks for an answer so i hope i get one.

i look around and there is so much that needs to be done
paperwork to go thru
beads to get ready
my medicine cabinet/drawers need to be weeded out
sheets need to be changed... which leads to laundry that needs to be done
vacuuming
clean bathrooms
the only room that is not a disaster is the kitchen.
and we wont even talk about josh's room.... land mines could be in there for all i know.

so i guess i wont kill any more time... i guess i will go do SOMETHING productive :)

choices, i think not

today was crazy busy at work, trying to get things done cause i know i will be out of the office for part of friday.
interviewing sucks
at least i have a choice this time though.

trying to hang on to the last few strands of connections i have made in these 3 months of online dating.
naturally i have not heard a peep from the professor but i did not expect to... probably hear from him thurs or friday
the blues guy wants to meet me for a drink sunday evening.
that will be cool, he is super funny and we have same interests... i am sure we will get along but i am not sure about the chemistry
the harley guy, now i am definitely attracted to him, have not heard from him at all. sent an email inviting him to the gig thursday evening... this will tell all.... if he says no or ignores my email again... i will take it as a write off, but he could still feasibly say yes... i get a shy vibe from him. so if he does, that would be GREAT but i am not holding my breath
and harp is still emailing but he is a man of few words.
they all have my number now so we will see what happens from here.

i am feeling less desperate today.... but none of this is a yellow brick road to happiness... it is all still just dabbling in the waters, checking out the situations....
maybe in a week it will be pared down even more.

looking forward to meeting blues guy and harp, hoping that harley guy takes my offer of a date.... and then there is the professor..... hmmm

busy busy busy

so once again my week has turned hectic without me even paying attention, i remembered that i have a jewelry party this saturday night... which i have to get prepared for.
i have a hair apt sat am.... josh wants me to bring his bass and amp to r.i. this weekend which might be tough.
i have to be out of the office friday for court in mass and i have to get moving on the bank statement plus continue to interview for dianes position and keep up on my daily work as well.
AND it is already tuesday!

my house is a mess and i need to clean
my love life is a mess and i need to clean that too :)

well, my plan is to stay home tonight to work on my house and maybe get to bed early... dont know if it will happen but i will try.
i sent out two contact emails last night on yahoo but no replies... i think i need to give this shit up.
just not getting a reply is frustrating enough.

i am not sad anymore, or at least today.... just stressed and confused by it all.
there really should be no need to look for someone, yes you might need to put yourself out there but you should not have to try so hard.
it should not be so hard to fall in love.
i think the ones i am choosing dont really want love they want dates or friends or just sex but i am not sure if i have run across one that really wants love.
and i have yet to speak to the professor but i am not sure that will happen this week or not... i have to be up to that conversation.... and right now i can tell you that i am not.

i am not up for much... except maybe another hour of sleep :)

zip

so i got nuthin'
i have the professor who i love to talk with but i need more from him, and i dont know that he can give me more (and everyone basically is telling me to show him the door)
i have harley guy who i thought liked me but has not contacted me in 3 days +
i have the blues guy who has not contacted me in probably 5 days
i have harp who says he wants to keep in contact but is busy at work

so basically i have nuthin'

i guess i have to stop looking
maybe when i stop looking
it will find me

3 weeks

i dropped josh off yesterday for 3 weeks at roger williams college... he is going to have a blast.
as a mom i just pray he remembers to take a shower.
i am texting him now, he wants me to mail him his bass and amp... i told him it would be cheaper to drive it to him next weekend.
i hope he says not to bother :)
oh well... he just texted and asked me to bring it... i said we will talk about it later when he calls me.

a guy i emailed randomly two weeks ago on match emailed me yesterday to say he was busy at work and wanted to keep in touch... that made me feel good.
and i decided that today or tomorrow i am going to call harley guy and tell him i had a nice time and would love to get together with him again so we can continue to get to know each other.
in this day and age it is completely normal for the woman to call the man... so even though he did not reply to my email (it really did not require a reply) if i call i will get a better idea if he really does want to see me again or not.
i still dont understand why if he did not like me, would he talk to me for that long. if he did not like me it would have been easier to just cut the date short, but he didnt.
hence... me deciding to call him anyway.

why not
what have i got to loose
nothing at this point.
i have about a week left on match and yahoo and will be glad to see them go for a while.
breaking the connection with these sites will be good.... i still to this day hate that you can go online to check to see if there is anyone better....

and i still dont see what the hell is wrong with me that men dont want to see me again. what is abrasive about me, what is unattractive about me, i will work on it if i only knew what it was!!

update

update
so the professor called at around 1:30 which was about 3 hours after the 4 minutes it was going to take to finish the golf game he was playing.... invited me to the shore for dinner

dinner you say?
yes, dinner!

so i immediately called jean to get her approval cause if she was going to be mad at me, i knew it would be a bad idea.
she told me i have to do what makes me happy
i felt that i had to do it so that i could make a decision one way or the other if this is the guy for me
i told patrick and he was upset with me, as i figured he would be.

but anyway, i went and he met me at the same coffee shop and we drove to galilee and parked and went to a restaurant with a 45 minute wait and while we waited we went to the beach and sat in the lifeguard chair and talked. then we went to dinner, while we were seated, i said 'so.... what happened when i was in cvs the other day buying medicine for my kid and you said you would call back in 5 minutes and you called back.... twenty... nine .... hours.... later when i was in bed?' he said i know i am sorry , but at least i did call. and then i pointed out the 3 hour lag today... he told me that he got busy and forgot to call me back, i told him that was not good at all.
then i mentioned the emails and he said he does not have time for emails at all.
it was all said jokingly, but i was serious and i am glad i pointed out those major flaws.
while we were waiting for our food he said he wanted to take me here because he knew that i liked to be near the shore. we had a nice meal. i had two glasses of wine. we stopped for coffee and went back to his house for about an hour and then i hit the road.
it was a nice visit. he felt bad having me come all that way when i was going to have to come back the next day. he knew it but had forgotten that i said josh was going to college in RI. when i said i have to drive him to bristol, he thought i meant CT

so anyway, what i got out of all of this was ......
it confirmed my thoughts that i probably wont be with him long
i dont think he can ever give me the attention i require .... and crave
he is great to talk to and we had a nice date.... but .....

now i am not hanging my hat on anything else at all.... i mean harley guy did not reply to my email and that might mean that he is not interested at all in me..... and the blues guy has not written back either.
so i will just go thru my day to day crap, do my work, keep my house from being too messy, enjoy my friends and let things just happen. i no longer feel that mad rush to find someone. yes it is true, maybe i will be alone, either for now or in my future.... but if that is the way it is supposed to be then that is life. i cant control it and i cant make someone love me
i cant take it personally either.... if these men are not attracted to me, mentally physically or emotionally, if they dont feel that they want to be with someone like me, that is their choice and it is no reflection on me.
i am a great friend, a good person, i can be pretty and i have alot to offer... and i just have to wait for the right man to come along to accept what i have to offer.

i was hoping that with this whole match thing, that i would have several men and that i would have to make a choice.... that never happened
the choices were made for me.

ok now what

so i am sitting here thinking about my situation

i dont doubt for a second that the professor is attracted to me, i just think it wont work, and i guess i have not told him that yet because i hate to give up on things.

i really liked harely guy but i have NO idea if he liked me or not. the fact that he said we should go on another ride again sometime (or someday cant remember exactly what word he used) rather than saying...what are you doing tomorrow or sunday... leads me to think maybe he is just not that into me.
sure it could be that he is not available those days and that is why he said that.... but still.
i do think if he was not slightly interested he would have just brought me back to my car alot quicker and not talked as much as he did.
that is why i sent the email, i figure if he is interested i will get some sort of reply back even if he does not call right away.

i dont know about all of this.
i am perfectly fine with out anyone... i have my friends to make up for the lack of being taken out on dates. they always let me tag along or invite me out.
and i have josh and i have housework and i have movies i like to watch....

i just miss that damn love part.

that is the thing that sucks the most. i guess everyone cant have it all the time. i guess we cant always get what we want. i guess you have to kiss a thousand toads before you meet your frog prince. i guess i am supposed to be alone right now in my life.
i am not really alone
i just dont have that freaking special someone that everyone on match is looking for but no one seems to think that special someone is ME.

so jean said that i did not seem overly excited about harely guy
I AM
i could really enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him.
i cant read him and i have no idea if he liked me or not. so i am holding myself back because he did not plan another date, he did not say 'when can i see you again', there was none of that.... but i cant take it personally because maybe that is his nature to move slowly and he might be kinda shy too.

so again ...i wait.
i wait for the professor who apparently cant tell time and for harley guy to see if he likes me and the blues guy to read his email and reply and get back from his business trip and that is
ALL I GOT.
with my profile down and the subscription ending... i am kind of at a roadblock. if these 3 fall thru which i fear they all will, then i am back at square one... 3 months older and wiser to the world of online dating.
still alone in life
still without love, or someone loving me
which is what i crave
yes, crave.

another first date

well i had a first date with harely guy last night
we were supposed to go for a drink but i asked if we could go for a ride instead and he said sure.
he has a beautiful bike and it is so comfortable to ride. we were together for just under two hours. he seems really nice, he is tall and handsome, very intelligent, kind of soft spoken although it started out with me asking about him and why he lived in enfield and he proceeded to tell me where he grew up (he knew my god father when he was in school) to his school and college career and then his work career. it was a short date. he did not ask me one question other than what gear i brought to wear on the bike and if i was comfortable on the bike during the ride.
he seemed at ease enough to tell me all the stuff that he did.
i got a good feeling from him but this was the first first date i ever went on when the guy did not ask for a kiss. he gave me a great hug, actually two cause i asked for another one before he left. i asked how he liked our first date and he said he liked it and and we should go on another ride again someday, i said call me and he said yes mame (he was in the service and he is older than me so i did not get upset with him mame-ing me :)

and that was it
he rode away

i went and met patrick for a beer and bacon (thanks again patrick :)
and when we were leaving the professor called.... hmmmm lets see, i am not that good at public math but he called me back..... 29 hours later when he said he would call back in 5 minutes.
still no email replying to mine and no word on his voicemail (cause i did not answer it) about not calling me back. he said he was calling to see how my son was.

debating at this point calling him back or not. i know that patrick would say call him back and say this is not working out for me.
jean and laurel would probably say not to call back and if he calls again he is not allowed over anymore, only allowed to take me out.
since i am not sure what i will say right now i wont call back right now. because he will either answer or i will have to leave a vm.
i will probably call later and if he asks if i have plans tonight i will tell him yes. and just go from there. leave it back in his court again.
i really do like him as a man but i really dont think he will ever have enough time for me as a boyfriend.

but i may never find that with any one.
patrick always tell me that when i find the right person, the right match, the guy will want to call me all the time and make plans with me and be with me. i just have not found the right person yet.

i sent a breezy little email last night to harely guy saying thank you for the ride, the bike is beautiful (which it is) and comfortable. and that i enjoyed getting to know him too, i ended with talk to you soon, amy

breezy enough i think
i wanted to say thank you again, because that is how i roll.

so today my sick kid has his lesson and then he told colin he would help with his eagle project and then he has to finish packing and if he is feeling well enough he can go to grammy's tonight to watch robin hood.
i have no responsibilities today except getting him where he needs to go.

rethinking again

so i had to pick josh up from camp early yesterday, he had a 104 fever and body aches. we went directly from bozrah to bloomfield to his docs, found out it is a virus and could last 3-5 days. he has to leave again in 3 days for college.... i pray that he will be well enough to leave and stay at college for those 3 weeks. this is such a privilege and costly as well, i would hate to have him rejected on the first day or sent home after a few. please send your positive thoughts our way so that he gets better quickly so that he can enjoy this opportunity.

as for me.... the professor called last night when i was in cvs getting medicine for my sick kid and i was telling him about josh when he said 'you know what, can i call you right back in like 5 minutes' i said sure. he never called back. this is the sort of thing i am talking about. if he was my 'boyfriend' i would be pissed. he does not have enough time for me.
he was probably going to ask if he could stop over last night and since josh was home sick decided not to. probably not calling me for a date... why would he??

harley guy called me, we talked for a half hour. sounds very nice, sounds genuine, sounds like he is interested in meeting me. we are meeting for a drink tonight in enfield around 8.
after work i am going with laurel again to hartford to see another apartment, so i hope i am home in time :) i am sure i will be.

i am excited for this.... i always like meeting them for the first time.

another hot one....

i hope i continue getting alot done at work, yesterday i made it thru the current pile on my desk
it was hard to accomplish but i did it
today i hope to do more paperwork and make some collection calls before i start on the bank statement.
i am feeling less disparaged today.
harley guy got back to me and told me he would call me today and we would plan something... it remains to be seen and i hope it happens but i am not holding my breath.
no word from the professor but i did not expect any either.
and that is it
jean will be back in town tonight and so will josh.... if i have no plans for tomorrow i will go to the bidwell with jean
i am sure josh will want to spend saturday night with grammy because that is his last one for a few weeks, they like to watch robin hood together.
well i am off to do my hair and make up for the day
i hope i get LOTS done again and i hope i dont wallow in the fact that i have no one who loves me.
i think that is why i felt that i missed zeke so much, i guarantee you he would take me back in a second.... but we were not a good couple, not by my standards anyway. we will be better friends i am sure.

love life... ha! what's that?

i am feeling weird
i am disgusted with my love life
disgusted i tell you

honestly i dont care right now if i have anyone or not... because i dont have anyone and that is the truth of it.

and what i really want in a man.... does not exist.
i always hope it does. i mean if someone really liked me enough, or even loved me by chance, then maybe they would give me the attention i desire so much.
that is what it comes down to ....desire, a craving of sorts

i have a man who has no time for me and when he does, he does not spend it dating me and it is pissing me off
i have two men who started talking to me in emails but i have lost track of them, probably because they are busy working... but still... leaves me hanging..... and leaves me feeling like no one wants to talk to me
i went to go see zeke tonight, he wanted necklaces, so i made them for him
i miss him. i never thought i would say that but i do. i wish i was with someone now so that i would not feel like i miss him so much. it makes me sad. we hugged and i miss that.

maybe i am just meant to be alone. sometimes i think that way. i am alone now and i am fine. i have great friends if i need company. i am busy as hell so it is not like i dont have anything to do.

these memberships are over on 7-29 and i will be glad to see them go for a while... but i truly hope i make a few real connections that last over into the real world.
if i dont and if it does not work out with the professor i might try online dating again, now that i know what it is all about.... but i am kind of tired and sad and dejected right now.
the rejection and the uncertainty is really more than i can handle.... i need some down time with no emails to check and no websites to surf
i need to just either find someone or give up i think. at least for now.
not one word from the professor since he left on monday night, he told me he would be busy... and he was right. if i was only seeing him (which i really am, just fooling myself) i would be pretty pissed.
here is my prediction...
he will call me friday and see if i have time... which i may just say no
and then tell me he is going away for the weekend
jean just called and invited me to the bidwell to see gene's band on friday so i think i will go, that will settle that. if the professor calls i will see if he wants to come too but i am sure he will say no. actually i will invite who ever calls me first :)
that is funny, i crack myself up.... no one is going to call! ha!
:(

discouraged?

well i dont really think i am discouraged... i think i am sick of all of this
patrick asked me last night if i will renew with match or yahoo
definitely not yahoo, it did not yield anything that lasted
well, eeyore
could have been good under different circumstances
and if i do go back to match it wont be right away

the way i look at it right now, i have 3 contacts
bongo was on yesterday and never replied to anything i had written
sometimes when people meet someone they dont know how to deal with the others that they have 'open' on match so they just ignore, not too nice
i would rather have a short email telling me they found someone else
actually i have weeded it out down to the blues guy who is on vacation, the harley guy who did not write back to me yesterday at all, but he might have been busy :) and the professor.
all other contacts i had have given me the impression they are no longer interested because they have been on match since i wrote and decided not to write back.
i contacted 3 more yesterday and one immediately said that he had met someone and wanted to see how it pans out... the other two, nothing yet.

i have looked and looked and unless new people sign up for match in the next couple days, i think i have done what i can with match for right now.
so the blues guy sounds like alot of fun but i dont think i will be attracted to him
the professor is intellectually wonderful but not available enough for me... i fear that is what it will come down to
the harley guy i think is shy and getting him to make that first contact will be tough
i got him to email but.... if he was online yesterday and decided not to contact me, i will weed him out of the group too, and that would be sad cause i was looking forward to meeting him.
so....
back to the drawing board with less options.
i will definitely take a break from online dating when this expires... if i am left with no one at that time.... then so be it.
i have no one in my circle of friends i would even think about dating.... all too young, or taken.... and patrick would have to be in a parallel universe.... way too good friends to ever date.... but i am glad we can be there for each other every day anyway :)

missing josh, he will be home tomorrow night for two days then off for 3 weeks.
taking care of the dog is getting to be a drag
having no one around the house is getting to be a drag too.

off to take my shower and get ready for the day
i dont hate my job
i hate that i have to go to work .... not really, just wish i could get the same pay for half the hours :)

update

so because the professor still does not have alot of time for me, i feel that i have time to explore my other options.
so far 2 of the 4 i sent my real email to have gotten back to me
this is a good ratio and i have a good feeling that the other two will as well when they get back online. these were just the midnight computer people apparently.
that is ok, so am i
i am feeling really good about where i am right now
i know that the connections with the professor are huge but the time he is able to give me and the amount he is willing to let me into his life is very telling... maybe it takes time for that to happen or maybe he is always like this.
i still dont know if he is just looking for someone to date and be intimate with or if he is looking for his future, like i am
so i know that if a few more weeks goes by like this with not alot of contact i could see myself getting sick of it.... but we shall see.
i mentioned again last night about the real email address and he could have just told it to me right then but chose not to. that bugs me.
he knows that my match is expiring but not when exactly.... in my head i am giving it time.... like a little test... lets see if he passes or not.
so the p.t. from enfield got back to me in like 3 seconds, and the blues fan that is travelling got back to me over night.... then we have bongo and fanofthe9ers, again both from enfield left to reply. bongo has not been on since before the weekend, not sure what is up, he is the one who was supposed to meet me on saturday night at the concert but never called. and 9ers is on his computer all day cause he works 3rd shift so he will see it soon i think he gets home at 8am.
the blues fan is for naugatuck... that one probably wont work out.

anyway.... that is my situation today..... kinda glad the subscription is expiring, when i cant see that people were on 'looking for someone better' it will take a huge part out of the picture for me. might make it worse... who knows.

thought process

good day
busy day
missing josh
spent time with the professor
sent email to all contacts on match
that my subscription is expiring
gave real email address... see what happens
very nice with the professor but i still feel it is
moving very slowly
which is fine
was re-reading some old mails to dumbass patrick
and eeyore today
hmmm how very odd it all has been so far
sometimes i think of the professor and think
i could really hang out with this guy for a long time
it is a nice fit
then i wonder if he possibly feels the same way about me
sometimes i wonder if that is what he is looking for
or if it is just someone to date rather than spend part of
your life with
i think that is why i am keeping options open
and i keep active with my friends
like i said before
i am perfectly fine living alone (with josh)
and dating
i am fine dating the professor
i am fine dating anyone
i dont think i will really feel that i can be
exclusive with the professor until he can express that to me as well
i am pretty sure i am the only one he is seeing but i cant be sure
no one can
and he is the only one i am seeing as well
but i dont feel that commitment type of feeling yet
we have to experience so much more together i think
in order to feel those things
and i am fine taking my time
i think the longer it takes
the more sure i will become of how i feel
and who i want to be with

off to work....again

looking forward to 5:00 already.... ugh
got a new phone last night, still trying to figure it all out
hope to see the professor tonight, he will call later today
kind of had a weird tone in his voice... makes me wonder if he wants to meet me to dump me..... i would not think so but who knows these days what anyone is thinking.
i could use another 2 hours of sleep... maybe next weekend.....
i am not really in the mood to write right now.... i am sure i will do more later.... that's how i roll....

end of day

well i bought a new phone today. i am getting used to it. it will combine phone and palm and i am looking forward to having only one device to drag around with me, thank you patrick for your extensive questions and all that sort of stuff... i would have never done it without you!!

joe never called and has not been on match
donald never called and has not been on match

maybe this is a sign.... i think it is.

i called bill and he could not talk, said he would have to call me back... but that was two hours ago.

maybe that is a sign..... hmmm

well anyway, i am ok either way.
i really do want to continue with bill and see if things get better
or worse
i am hoping for better

like right now i really have no worries that he is with another woman,i think he was at a dinner or something and is either still there or worse forgot that i called.
i like this ball in his court thing.... it is very telling

i am now keeping score.... one email out to him with no reply, and one phone call out with no return call.

makes me wonder if this is a good fit. or if he will make the time to get back to me....it is only 9, he might still.... but if not, i certainly have explored my options.

well the kitchen is a mess and i have to clean it up because i have relied on the elves to come in the night before, but they fail to show up, bastards!

sunday sunday racing sunday

wow i was so freaking tired last night, i passed out almost immediately
i need to go to bed earlier :)


went to the concert last night in enfield
joe was supposed to call to meet but never did
gary was going to the show
ray has my number and has not called yet
and donald never replied to my last email

now the fact that i took my profile down again should not have anything to do with it because i had my profile down most of the last few weeks and the professor and i have been emailing just fine.... but if he chose to look at my profile it would not be there, but it did not matter to him because he knew why i took it down

but these guys might look for the profile and see that it is down and rather than question me about it, they just decide,.... assume.... that i am not interested.
well, if they jump to conclusions that fast then who needs them

i really think things happen for a reason in the time that they happen
i feel it was meant to be that something happen to snap both myself and the professor out of it so we know what is going on here between us

i think maybe these people are not contacting me so that i dont get too confused again.

i think i started emailing again so that i could be sure that the professor is the one i want to focus on right now in my life

i think putting my profile back up helped the professor realize that he has to step it up a bit to keep me

and i think if the professor cant step it up and take me out and give me more contact then i will know he is not the one for me.

as it stands i have emailed him but he has not replied.... but he said he would call me today when he gets home and i believe that he will.

in the mean time i certainly have enough to keep me busy, josh is going off to tadma today, i have 5 loads of laundry in the dryers and we will go over and fold it in about 15 minutes
then i told mom i would bring her to the vegetable stand
if donald does contact me maybe i will go on a bike ride with him... but if not i certainly have enough paperwork and crap to do around here today.

assuming

see the trouble we get ourselves into when we assume things
i was assuming that the professor was no longer interested in me, and his account was active, and i would never assume in a million years that he gave his account to his friend,but he did, the guy changed the profile and everything.
the professor assumed by answering my email 4 days late with about 7 words that this would be just fine with me
he also assumed that he would catch up with me when he could and that would be ok with me... and it wasn't

i am looking forward to seeing where this goes now
i voiced my opinions to him, how i was feeling and what i need from this relationship

it is up to him

i think the fact that i contacted people is going to help me decide if the professor is right for me or not. like i said to jean, i find it very hard to believe that i will ever find anyone who can have a conversation with me like the professor does. his words and his intelligence is the main thing that attracts me to him... and how he works out our feelings while we are talking about a subject.
that is something i have lacked all my life and i realllly want to see where this goes... and honestly if i never saw his account active on match, and if he did not ignore me (apparently unintentionally) for 4 days.... none of this would have ever happened
so it is good for me to have expressed how i feel about his lack of contact with me, but it is important that we dont throw away the ground work, the foundation of a relationship that we have already built.

these other guys might be younger, or act younger or might have other minor qualities that the professor does not have, but in the end i dont know if they will have the emotional quotient that i need, that he has. this will be good for me to figure this all out.

made up, made out

ok
had a long chat with the professor
gonna keep seeing him
took my profile down to avoid any further 'stuff'
will meet the ones i said i would meet and date, see what's there
there might not be anything there

i do like the professor
and want to see where this leads.
it could lead to something great... it could lead to the rest of my life
it could lead into a brick wall..... i dont know where it will lead but i want to see where it goes.
he understands how important phone calls are now that i made my point.
so we move on from here....

argh!

argh
i went from happy that i was doing this again to miserable
i went from the professor emailing me that lame email last night, 'hey how have you been', and ignoring the entire text of my email to him as well as my two voicemail messages.
to today he wants to get together with me tonight, stop over, not take me out
then he calls again and i answered.... told him i had plans, i was a bit distant because he had been ignoring me, he sent an email saying that someone else was using his match account in case i saw it up and active.
then when i said i had plans and he was going away, i said maybe next week if he has time we can get together.
then he calls back and it goes to vm and he says that he missed not seeing me this week and he did send me an email and that we could meet for a drink or maybe dinner if my plans fell thru.
so i was happy that my distance might have had him snap out of it
then..... i get a text, that i cant even reply to because it was sent from the Internet not the phone, saying that he assumes by our conversation and the fact that my profile was back up on match that i was no longer interested and that he was sorry about that.

so i called and he did not answer and i left a vm saying not to assume that, and i thought he was not interested in me because i left two vm and he did not reply to either and i sent an email and he did not reply to that as well and i thought he was not interested anymore and for him to call me so we could discuss it. then i texted to his phone to call me please...... and that is all i can do.

it is in his court

he may never call me again.... and i might have fucked it up.
i was so happy emailing last night and today... it was fun and exciting again.
if i never did that last night i would be sitting here waiting for his call and when he finally did i would drop everything to go be with him
i dont like that about me
i farmed my kid out a few times in the last week or so in order to have him over and the last two times he did not even call me back.... i dont care how busy you are at work, you can make a 2 minute phone call.

i require so much more attention than this.
the connections we had emotionally and intellectually were fantastic but i need more.

like i said before i may never meet the person who i think will make me happy but i know i have not me him yet.

i did what i could and i did more than i should and i left it in his court telling him exactly how i feel.....

delving again

well here i am in the middle of the pool again, treading water, and we know how much i hate the deep water.
i cant believe the way the professor just dropped off like that.... maybe he felt it was going to fast when i asked him for his real email address....
maybe he was seeing more than just me and is getting more interested in the other one.... who knows
but i do know that it is more fun and interesting trying to keep all this straight... like i said before it is like a part time job.
and i am feeling so good about myself these days that i am really not taking anything personally.

hate work, as usual, dont want to go in, but hopefully the day will go by very quickly.
looking forward to sleeping a bit late tomorrow and sunday.
getting to fretting about josh and his travels that start this weekend.... eek!
he will be fine i am sure....

the plunge again

ok so i came to grips that the professor must be seeing someone else, maybe loosing interest in me... which is fine, i kind of got that impression anyway.... so i emailed 8 people and put my profile back up... what the hell right? the thing is up on 7-29... use it or loose it.

it was fun to email those people and it was fun to come home to 4 emails.... i am feeling better already!

after leaving on sunday and everything seeming fine with the professor, i emailed once and called twice and he did not reply at all during the week, i know he went onto match and chose to ignore.... tonight i got a breezy little hi how have you been email from him, so i threw the breezy right back at him and i will move on.... if he still wants to see me that is fine... but i have a different attitude these days... as you can tell.

so we shall see where this all leads... i feel better this time... i sent out 8 and got 3 back, plus the professor is still there.... last time i threw out 7 and got 2.....
who knows what will happen.... but looking forward to seeing where it all goes..... AGAIN!
ha!

oh and thanks patrick for making me a freaking regular at chili's!

thinking

so i am sitting here thinking
like i always do
cause that is why i have a blog because i think
ALL the time
and i need to vent it on 'paper' as well as
have people tell me their two cents as well.....
i am sitting her thinking
(and mind you i have no reason to think this and i am not freaking out about anything either, so dont be alarmed)
what if the professor has found someone else that he mistakenly thinks is better than me, which could not be possible (HA! i love this new found cockiness of mine)

what if.....
what would i do next?

well i probably would renew my membership with match only i think, no need to have both, and nothing really wonderful came from yahoo personals anyway
i dont think i would be crazy upset because even though so far the connections between us have been great, and some quite deep.... it is still so new and i have held myself back from falling for him... i think i would survive quite nicely at least at this present state of mind i am in.
i would be sad that it was over and probably a little confused at the connections that we did have, and how they aparently did not mean as much as i thought they did, if he could move on to someone else
(remember i have nothing to base any of this on, i am just thinking of how i would react if he called me today and said he did not want to date anymore, or if he just never called again)

i certainly can keep busy..... on my own and with friends
and i think i have reached a stage where i realize that a loving relationship is so far down the road for me, i no longer think that i will experience 'magic' on a first or second date anymore.

what does it say about me if yet another one decides to move on.... well i think is says nothing about me, it says they were not ready. and that is a good attitude to have. not to blame myself.

now like i said i have no reason to think that the professor is planning on moving on, not by the way he was on sunday evening.... but i have not spoken to him since that night and i have emailed and called once each.... with no return email or phone call.... today is the last day i could see him if he is in fact going away this weekend like he had told me.... so if i dont hear from him or see him today... well.... i guess i am not sure what any of that means. could be as simple as being to damn busy to reply.... but i dont think i have ever been too damn busy to reply to an email or phone call even if just for 2 minutes. but my lifestyle is not his.... or vice versa.

all i know is i have 4 movies downstairs i can watch and there is a concert in enfield on saturday i want to go see, i have friends around and i have housework to do (always)
i will survive... and hope that it is not over, or about to be over.... and it is just a case of being busy....
but if it is not that case.... i know i will be fine.... and move on..... to what ever it is that i am moving on to.... in whatever time it takes me to move there.

......

well you will be very glad to know that i did the dishes.... finally
and i have not had any wine tonight either..... so i met my two goals for the day.... woo hoo!

had a nice visit with patrick's girlfriend wendy tonight... josh and i are getting along well.... getting ready for his trip to tadma.... gigi is going to drive him both ways so i dont have to go to bozrah at all! and i dont have to go to the closing dinner or closing ceremony at all! woo hoo again!

have not heard from the professor but i am not worried
he is enough of an adult that if he were to break up with me (or stop seeing me what ever the case may be) he would call me and discuss this fact
i know he is busy with work,.... plus.... if he can find someone better than me... more power to him!! ha!

listen to me all full of myself..... shameful!

i am, again, feeling very comfortable in my own skin and looking forward to what each day has to offer me.
again i am thankful for wonderful friends, healthy family and opportunity.... happiness.... and knowledge right around the corner.