thinking

so i am sitting here thinking
like i always do
cause that is why i have a blog because i think
ALL the time
and i need to vent it on 'paper' as well as
have people tell me their two cents as well.....
i am sitting her thinking
(and mind you i have no reason to think this and i am not freaking out about anything either, so dont be alarmed)
what if the professor has found someone else that he mistakenly thinks is better than me, which could not be possible (HA! i love this new found cockiness of mine)

what if.....
what would i do next?

well i probably would renew my membership with match only i think, no need to have both, and nothing really wonderful came from yahoo personals anyway
i dont think i would be crazy upset because even though so far the connections between us have been great, and some quite deep.... it is still so new and i have held myself back from falling for him... i think i would survive quite nicely at least at this present state of mind i am in.
i would be sad that it was over and probably a little confused at the connections that we did have, and how they aparently did not mean as much as i thought they did, if he could move on to someone else
(remember i have nothing to base any of this on, i am just thinking of how i would react if he called me today and said he did not want to date anymore, or if he just never called again)

i certainly can keep busy..... on my own and with friends
and i think i have reached a stage where i realize that a loving relationship is so far down the road for me, i no longer think that i will experience 'magic' on a first or second date anymore.

what does it say about me if yet another one decides to move on.... well i think is says nothing about me, it says they were not ready. and that is a good attitude to have. not to blame myself.

now like i said i have no reason to think that the professor is planning on moving on, not by the way he was on sunday evening.... but i have not spoken to him since that night and i have emailed and called once each.... with no return email or phone call.... today is the last day i could see him if he is in fact going away this weekend like he had told me.... so if i dont hear from him or see him today... well.... i guess i am not sure what any of that means. could be as simple as being to damn busy to reply.... but i dont think i have ever been too damn busy to reply to an email or phone call even if just for 2 minutes. but my lifestyle is not his.... or vice versa.

all i know is i have 4 movies downstairs i can watch and there is a concert in enfield on saturday i want to go see, i have friends around and i have housework to do (always)
i will survive... and hope that it is not over, or about to be over.... and it is just a case of being busy....
but if it is not that case.... i know i will be fine.... and move on..... to what ever it is that i am moving on to.... in whatever time it takes me to move there.