thinking about love

well i just finished watching 'love actually'
it was a great movie but i naturally was crying
i hope to have love again someday
i know i will be fine if i dont because i have the love of my family and my son and my great friends who will always be there to lift me up when i am down
but to have someone to love me
be crazy about me
to fly across a country to see me
to risk getting arrested to see me in an airport
to risk losing a friendship to tell me they love me

to hold my face in his two hands and look into my eyes before he kisses me
(this one i want more than words can express)

well i know the only realistic one is the last one, but the love behind the others is amazing.
i want amazing love someday
who knows if i will ever find it but it is a nice hope to have
a wonderful dream to hold onto.

i picked up the guitar tonight and that lasted about 2 minutes, it was out of tune and i did not feel like bothering because it takes me longer to tune it than it does to try to play it.

i choose writing instead
this is what i do
this is how i roll
this is my creative outlet

so i just figure i will drink wine every night until i find love :)
well not really but it makes the lonely night go better, faster, more fun.

my sink is filled with dirty dishes that i just cant bring myself to clean up
my head is filled with thoughts of love that i cant seem to clear out for the time being

to look down the road at myself and see a happy go lucky woman who is comfortable in her own skin, living life to the fullest, enjoying her friends company and watching her son grow up to be a strong confident intelligent man
the picture would be perfect if there were a special someone to share this with
maybe it will happen
maybe it will be the professor, who knows, but it is much too soon to speculate to that

i went to the driving range FINALLY tonight.
a medium bucket of balls and about 7 good shots (good for me, about 120yards or feet or whatever they mark it out in) the rest were worm burners or slices or any number of horrible shots
but at least i got out there finally!!!

so basically i am in a ranting mood so i will just continue to write here until the mood has passed.
when i am thinking about love i think about lyrics to songs
lyrics are sooooo important to me


i just had a horrible experience with the computer.... again. i almost lost this whole draft that i was writing... i hate it when that happens

i am on a roll ranting and raving about love and all that crap and then the computer freezes up and tells me that if i save and try to publish this post i may loose it all... luckily a restart brought everything back.... so far.

why is it that we all want love so badly.... damn human emotions.... damn them all.
not just love
wonderful great love like in the movies
like in literature
like in our imaginations as little girls
does it really exist.... honestly i dont think i have ever witnessed it in person, only on the silver screen
i suppose it is more real love.... real people.... real situations
i think all that 'sweep you off your feet' stuff, if it really exists, if it really happens to anyone, only happens at the beginning of a relationship.... the honeymoon stage.... the lovestruck stage.....

let me see what it was like when i knew i loved a man i was with..... i dont remember scott, it was too long ago and too convoluted
zeke.... hmmm.... i am not sure, i just assumed i loved him, i dont remember any sweeping sensations
pete.... freaking whats his name.... it was december 2nd when we spent the morning together and then we met up at the casino....and i remember when he feel in love with me, it was christmas eve....when he called me from his brothers


there has been no one since

i really thought i would fall for eeyore, but it never got that far.
i feel such great connections with the professor but it is too soon to feel love at all.
i wonder if i will ever feel it again
i wonder if anyone will ever want me to love them again... maybe it will only be a string of physical relationships.... who knows
who knows
who knows what the future brings.


all i know is that i want to have that love
that movie love
that literature love
that hold my face in his hands before he kisses me love
that makes me woozie love
that mutual, i want to see him, cant wait to see him, when do i get to see him love
i hope that it exists, i hope that someday i can feel this thing that i have been dreaming of all my life.


what does the song say, from 'the fantasticks', .... to be kissed upon the eyes
i'd like to dance till 2:00
or sometimes dance till dawn
and if the band could stand it
just go on and on and on
what i want much more than keeping house
much more
much more
much more

---

ok here are the real lyrics, i looked them up

----

I'm sixteen years old and everyday something happens to me Oh... Oh... Oooooh! I hug myself till my arms turn blue, and then I close my eyes and I cry and cry till the tears come down and I can taste them. I love to taste my tears. I am special.I am special. Please, God, please, don't let me be normal!

I'd like to swim in a clear blue stream Where the water is icy cold.Then go to town In a golden gown, And have my fortune told. Just once,Just once,Just once before I'm old.I'd like to be not evil, But a little worldly wise. To be the kind of girl designed To be kissed upon the eyes. I'd like to dance till two o'clock, Or sometimes dance till dawn, Or if the band could stand it, Just go on and on and on Just once, Just once,Before the chance is gone! I'd like to waste a week or two And never do a chore. To wear my hair unfastened So it billows to the floor. To do the things I've dreamed about But never done before! Perhaps I'm bad, or wild, or mad, With lots of grief in store, But I want much more than keeping house!Much more!Much more!Much more!

----

this is another song from the same damn musical that i love



When the moon was young, When the month was May, When the stage was hung for my holiday, I saw shining lights But I never knew: They were you. They were you. They were you. When the dance was done, When I went my way, When I tried to find rainbows far away, All the lovely lights Seemed to fade from view: They were you. They were you. They were you. Without you near me, I can't see. When you're near me, Wonderful things come to be. Every secret prayer, Every fancy free, Everything I dared for both you and me. All my wildest dreams Multiplied by two They were you.They were you.They were you.

----

that freaking musical... my mother was in the windsor jesters when i was a young kid and they did that musical, so i knew the songs, then when i was involved with the east hartford summer youth theater (remember jean, we went to go see bye bye birdie and brett penny was changing in the parking lot :) my godfather was in and directed the fantasticks one year... brett penney was in it, i was crazy about brett penny, i was in like 8th grade i think and he was in high school when they did the fantasticks, but still ....

anyway i got out my mothers album and listened to every word
over and over
and it still is a wonderful love story and the lyrics mean so much to me.
as you can tell.

so needless to say i am sitting here with a soggy face and thinking of these lyrics and knowing that someday.... someday.... someday.... i hope to have this love

----
deep in december
it's nice to remember
without a hurt the heart is hollow....