so yea, i agree with my comment that i made to my friend cape cod kitty.... have the blues

officially have the blues

and like cckitty i need to find a project to make the blues fly away...

tonight i made a prototype of some anglican prayer beads that i am supposed to teach the kids in confirmation class how to make this sunday... i have added a pic of them.

i liked making them and i like the idea of giving them to friends too....

so i think i will make several... will hit the craft store tomorrow and get more supplies.

had a rough morning, i called jim and 'confronted him' with my feelings, waking him and his daughter in the process. waited all morning for a phone call and just before noon i got one, but not before putting myself thru the ringer all morning....

turns out all is well... but i still was wallowing in the blues.

i am better now

cold

glad the snow stopped

going to spend new years eve alone with my son for the first time in .... ever!

i am sleepy already....

happy new year to everyone!

grouchy again
not sure exactly why
could be because i miss jim and want to see him and CANT
could be because i am sleepy
could be because i wish i could loose some weight
could be all of those things, or none of them

not in the mood for work tomorrow
not in the mood for snow tomorrow
just not in the mood

gonna go crawl in bed and hope tomorrow is better than today is right now.

so i sit here waiting for the 5 loads of laundry to be ready to switch over
and i think of where i am "at" right now.
i really am in a good place
but i let my emotions rule me sometimes.... when there really is not need.
for instance... today i have not gotten to speak to jim much only a short time this noon time. he had to work today.
he did read an email that i wrote asking if we could be together on new years eve, he replied that it is a hard night to get a sitter but he is trying
i replied that i know he is trying and i dont think he will get one but that is ok, i understand. but he did not reply to that one and i have called a couple times and left msgs and no reply then either.
this is not the end of the world. worse scenarios have happened than this. but i let my head run ahead of me and i worry that something is wrong and he is upset with some thing i said or wrote, which is ridiculous. but i worry anyway, and i will continue to worry till i hear from him and know all is well.
which i know in my head already that all is well, i just let my head run.
i kind of have an i dont care attitude today. josh and i just went to dinner on money i should not have spent. i am trying to stick to my diet but something in my head is telling me to have a rum ball instead.
just that kind of mood i guess.
new years is just another night
if i cant be with him, it is not the end of the world at all.
maybe we can be together the next day instead.... who knows

well i have a wonderful boyfriend, i am here to tell you
sure i dont get to see him as often as i would like but i suppose that maybe that is god's plan for now,
if the flood gates were opened at this point, and we were able to see each other all the time, mabye it would be overkill for us.
things have a way of working themselves out.
yesterday he was supposed to be able to come see me but then his sitter backed out at the last minute.
he was upset with himself for mentioning it to me because he thought i was really upset (which i was but i told him it was fine) we had planned for me to come see him after his daughter was asleep (which i still find funny because at any time that i am there, she could wake up and see me and then he would have to introduce me....) and then a half hour later he called to say he was on his way over. i was so pleasantly surprised.
he showed up with my christmas gift which consisted of beautiful flowers (i have never gotten flowers for xmas before) and godiva chocolates, shower gels, and gift certificates galore.
i felt very pampered.
he loved my gifts to him as well. it was a great visit and even though it was only about an hour and a half... it was worth a fortune to me to be able tobe with him on his birthday.
i am really lucky
i never would have thought i would have a man who likes me this much and treats me this well.
i know that he loves me but he does not say it, i think it goes with the whole 'waiting' thing... i think he has been hurt too many times before.
i am grateful for the things that i have gone thru because if i had not gone thru them all, i would not be where i am today.
every time i see a match.com or eharmony.com commercial i smile.... it really can work.

so the holiday is over and tonight we have a little gathering of people who are on facebook and who graduated from windsor high in 1983 that are getting together for drinks at 5:30....i want to go but am scared.... but i know some people who will be there and i look forward to it too.... funny to be scared and look forward at the same time.

i am debating going to spend some gift certificate money..... but do i want to brave the crowds?

its over
all the gifts are give out and received
all the traveling is done
all the merry has been made
all the food has been eated.... and i mean ALL the food
all the christmas is over.....

except for one

jim.

i cant wait to give him his gift, and see the look on his face, i put so much time into it and i just cant wait.... and i have to wait.
last i knew he was being santa one last time for the year at a dinner for needy families at 2:30.

now i am faced with 3 days off and who knows when i will get to see him.
his daughter already went to her mothers for few hours today, naturally it was when i could not possibly go see him, i was about to leave for willimantic.
this angers me because if i did not have a commitment with josh to go out to sherry's i would have driven to see him so freakin fast!
it figures, the first time that piece of shit has seen her kid since october and i cant get away.

so that makes me grouchy....

and i am stuffed with every peice of food that passed within arms reach of me in the last two days.... i did go to the gym but i still feel giant.

and that makes me feel grouchy too.....

and i have no idea when i can see jim, i said i wanted to see him on his birthday (tomorrow) and he said it probably wont happen. he was kinda grouchy too the last two times i talked to him....

and that makes me feel grouchy in return.

all in all it was a nice christmas.... but i miss my boyfriend.... and i am a bit grouchy.

merry christmas day
busy day ahead
sherry's for noon
mom's at 3 for chinese
and then home

i do hope i get to see jim soon

christmas eve
all is calm
all is bright.....

merry merry to you all.
i hope that you find the peace you need in your hearts this christmas
i seem to have found mine

it is early for me... maybe i will get some sleep tonight

up early for work, went to the gym thru snow flurries, but i went!
shopping is done, wrapping is done, even a few presents already handed out
after they let me out of work today i am on a 4 day weekend, yay!
hoping to see jim friday or on the weekend for some quality christmas/birhtday time.
josh is on vacation so he does not have to get up today when i get up. so the house is quiet at 6:24am
i got my hair cut yesterday and it is alot shorter than i am used to. it was damaged and had to come off.... but now i have to figure this new cut out.... i hate that part
and i dont have the long front bangs to hide behind anymore.
i am feeling very calm and quiet right now....
mom is not feeling well, has a cold, and is passing on the big meal because she is too old to mess around with a 20lb turkey anymore, it was almost a hassle for me and i have 35 years on her!
so we are going to order chinese food instead. that should be fun.

wishing merry christmas eve to everyone!

a sense of accomplishment today
presents are bought, made and wrapped
josh had his first taste of giving this year
even tho i gave him the money, he picked out presents for me himself this year and i think he feels accomplished as well.
i let him loose in target and he picked them out, went thru the line himself and wrapped them himself.
i dont care what they are, because i know he picked them out for me.

i also feel good because of facebook, seems funny to feel good about a service that is meant to keep in touch with people but i have connected with several people from my elementary school days that i NEVER thought i would hear from again
many are not in the area anymore which would have sealed the deal for never hearing from them again... but now i have, and it makes me feel so good.

i have also made new friends from this blog and from calebs blog... which has not had a post in several days... i hope they are well.

now, because i am done with everything i can try to enjoy these last few days before xmas.
i dont know when i will see jim but i know that i will.
and we will have our time when we get together.
i still hope not to be without him on new years but i know that if it is impossible for us to be together i know i have josh and i also know i can go to the bidwell with jean and gene.

it is early for me.... 10:19
fell asleep on the loveseat and i have a pain in my back but i hope to get right to sleep again now.

done
i am done
done buying gifts with money i dont have
done (almost) wrapping the gifts
done with jim's home made present from the heart and i hope he melts with joy when he opens it.... after all that work he better melt dammit! :)
the snow is so pretty and we are getting more tomorrow, probably icey mix... that sucks
josh will probably have a delay on monday.....
i cant believe xmas is almost here.... just a few more days.
it is such a let down when it is over, but i cant let that happen. i may keep up my snowmen for the rest of the winter, i love snowmen.... they are multifunctional...
i am so pleased with the way things are going with jim.... he just makes me happy and i never thought i would be this happy. and he is looking for the same things i am in companionship.... no one has ever called me and emailed me as much in my life.
and to think it all came from match.com....
tomorrow is not a busy day, but i hope to be able to see jim... with the weather i am thinking i wont be able to.... but if not, it will be nice to just hang out....

snowed in
who knows how much snow is out there. last i looked it was about 5 inches and that was when the sun was still up.
i am glad i dont have to shovel a driveway.... but i might have to do my sidewalk if they dont come out in time for us to get to josh's lesson
i am not sleepy at all again... might take a little pill to help me
josh is sleeping on the sofa and has been for about 2 hours.
i finished jim's present... now have to wrap it up, i wish i could find the hole punch.
(need it for the present) it is the first homemade present i have made in forever.... he is too hard to buy for.
i am really enjoying him... he makes quite an effort to be with me... told me today that his feeling for me are true.
i know he loves me, he is one of those men who dont say it.
it is different than with zeke where he did not say it and sometimes i did not even know if he loved me or just loved the free room and board.
where with jim i KNOW he loves me, he shows it all the time... it is just tough for him to say it.
i will let him slide... for now :)
this weekend could be hectic... or it could be enjoyable... who knows at this point... it is a crap shoot.

my eyes hurt today, not sure why, they sting
and i am tired
not getting to sleep before midnight again these days
delayed opening for school so i have to go to work and come back for josh at 9
jim is trying to come to josh's school concert tonight... i hope he can, but i understand if he cant.
it is great that he is even trying to come.
xmas and new years are around the corner.... it will all be over in no time.
i am pleased and satisfied that i have a great boyfriend, but because i still dont know his daughter i feel 'a bit outside' still.
i know that it will not be like this next year and this is all part of a new relationship.
i have lots of plans to keep me busy
when i think of the past, with zeke and last year with pete
i have not really 'been' with anyone on the holidays since scott.
zeke was there, but not really there....
pete still had his own life and even tho he came to new years with me, i was still removed in that relationship as well.
because we were married we did everything on the holidays together, and you were guaranteed not to be alone... but you were not necessarily happy.
this year i am happy and i will see him probably after xmas, unless she goes to her mothers, but i am much happier now than i have ever been with a man.... not sure exactly why, maybe it is just a better fit or he is a better person or i am in a better place.... but things are just better.
and hard to believe... next year will be even better!
josh and i have been getting along more these days, i pick my battles and i think he is doing the same.
well, off to work.... grrr.

the xmas season is so freaking hectic
i cannot believe how much i have to do in the next week, busy every night. it is not usually like this.... it is the xmas holiday that makes us run ourselves ragged.
just ended my "outside" day with orthodontist then dinner then cello lesson then target for last minute gifts.
now jammies and maybe a glass of wine

my outlook on today is good
even tho it is another monday and i have to work all week long.... all three nights on the weekend i stayed up much later than planned. last night was only 11 but the other two were 1am. i feel i need to catch up on my sleep.
i am back in the saddle and got up to excercise today for the first time since it was flooded on friday am. could not get myself up early enough to do it on the weekend days.
but as long as i am back at it and dont let it slip i should be good.

spent yesterday afternoon with jim again, it was wonderful to have all that quality time with him, it was only from about 1:30 till 6 but still... that was a much needed time alone.
he made me dinner again, nice to know he is a good cook. but i think it is my turn to cook for him this time.... that makes me nervous cause i dont want to make something he wont like. he is not a fan of vegtables.... so that takes that right out of the mix. :)

i feel we are growing stronger and coming closer every day. this is a quality relationship, i have never had one of those before. it is a nice change.
this is a man i see growing old with. i certainly have kissed my share of toads, and boy were some of them toads!

well the craft fair was not a total bust like the last few i have done. sold about $100 which is fair for me.
would love to sell $600 or $700 but that is just not in the cards for me i guess
maybe i will have an open house and invite people to come to my place and buy.... serve them wine and cheese... if only i had more than 2 parking spaces available here! ha!

did some tradtions with josh, torchlight parade, xmas cookies and brownies, now i am making cinnamon swirl bread... from scratch.... yes i AM crazy. we shall see how it comes out....

got to talk to my dear friend robin today for a long time, got to catch up and delve into lots of stuff.... i did not realize how much i missed her in my life... i have not seen her very often in the last several years, maybe once every 2 years we got together for a lunch or coffee.... it was great to just sit and talk for 3 hours while i was at the fair today.

supposed to see jim tomorrow... cant wait.
i love the effort he is putting in these days.... and i hope that soon i will be able to meet his daughter.... i know that when i do, the flood gates will open and we will be able to see each other alot more... i cant wait for that time to come.... but he is worth the wait :)

going to try not to be up till a million o'clock tonight.... need to catch up on sleep.

well the universe worked against me today.... as for my excercise..... i got up and went down to the gym.... i figured my neighbor who is usually swimming at this hour would not be there because there are leaks in the ceiling of the building over the pool and when it rains, the cold rain gets into the pool and cools it down from it's usual 81 degrees, plus you have to swim to avoid the raindrops landing on you... they are COLD.
but i never thought i would not even get into the building!
the doorway is down a few steps and it rained so much and the drain for that sunken area must be clogged because i would have had to walk thru about 4 inches of water to get into the building... i decided against that because then i would have to excercise with soaking wet sneaks.... good move on my part i think.... but now i am not geting my excercise in for the day. grrr....
oh well, gives me type to type here i guess.

thank god it is friday.
beading party tonight at laureens, i hope i make a few bucks but even if no one shows up, i will be forced to make some jewelry to sell tomorrow at the craft fair. and i really hope i sell stuff then. any money i make will be a plus at this point. i have only about $10 in my pocket and the bank account is tapped tilll next wednesday... i hate it when that happens.

i hope to see jim this weekend, did not hear back last night, he had mentioned me coming over after his daughter was asleep but he never called, i think he just fell asleep, the rain was horrendous anyway so it was probably good i was not on the road last night. i would have been so pissed if i drove home from there at like 12 or 1 and did not get to sleep till 2 and then woke up early to this.... and not be able to get into the gym on like 3 hours sleep.... better i stayed home this time :)

i feel like after this weekend i can finally clean up my room, i feel like i have been leaving it half done because of my jewelry commitments but after tomorrow and i pick out the earrings i am giving to people for xmas, i can put it all away for a few months and not look at it... kind of a bad attitiude but it takes up alot of room and i have not been selling much these days.

well off to the showers early i guess!

feel crappy today, but i still got up and went to the gym... i am SOOOOO surprised at myself for keeping this up.
i expect me to stop at any moment, really.
the only time i actually exercised on a regular basis was when i went to the gym with jean back in the day.... but we followed the gym up with guilty pleasures afterward, like friendlys..... but that was when our metabolisms could handle such things, now i would end up worse than when i started, rather than just erasing the good i did at the gym.

need to do my hair and i hate that part of the day.
jim is still sick but he called to say goodnight last night, in a codeine cough syrup induced coma.... i hope he is better soon.

off to work... ugh!

well once again i will mention to all that have wanted to comment but could not because of the way you had to post a comment in the past.... i have freed it up so that anonymous people can post as well.... hint hint gloria and sally!
just click on the comments at the bottom of the post and you will be lead to a screen where you can type to your hearts content, and i hope to hear from you ....ALL!

i have a few friends, you know who you are, who read and write me a personal email instead of commenting too.

well xmas is upon us and i am in the mood, finally , i think.... maybe..... yeah, i guess i am!
i am in a good place in my head and heart these days.
have a craft fair this weekend as well as a bead party and i HOPE to make a few bucks to help pay the bills this month.
my shopping is almost done but i have some wrapping and some 'making' things still ahead of me.

jim is starting to feel better and joking alot more again... i dont like it when he is sick because
a) i cant be there to take care of him like i want to do, you know ... make soup, fluff pillows, back rubs, that sort of crap that a good girlfriend does
b) he gets grouchy, he says cranky, i say grouchy.... whatever... dont like either

i moved a few things around in my room and i am amazed at the difference... i see myself on a cleaning binge again soon. if i have time.
busy weeks ahead too, every evening has something going on.

big bummer today, jim was going to take me away for the weekend this weekend and doesnt it just figure that i have crap going on this weekend.... i NEVER have anything going on and this weekend i am at a craft fair at st. mary's episcopal church in manchester ct (hint hint to all those local) and saturday night is the torchlight parade ( parade of all the fire trucks in town decorated for xmas and then we have a giant bonfire behind town hall with 8 million pallets) and josh loves to go to that. he is a big stickler for traditions these past few years... especially at xmas.
we have a few others like going to the cemetaries on fathers day and scott's bday and sometimes on the day that he died if it is a weekend.

so i cant disapoint my kid, and in turn i am disapointed because i cant go away with jim. he said maybe we can do it in february... and no, i have no idea where he was going to take me, i did not ask because i did not want to be even more upset about not being able to go.....

and on the other hand.... i am sooooo happy with the effort he is putting forth lately..... he's a good boyfriend, i think i'll keep him!

and ps....to those who have commented lately, it was really nice to hear from new people and even more special that we are all related thru caleb potters blog!

extra extra read all about it
first of all, i have changed the settings on the site and anyone can comment now.
if you want to leave a comment just click on the bottom of that days post where it says 'comments' and you can write in the box and then click anonymous and save or send or post or whatever the box says and you can leave me a comment without hassle!

second, there is a horrific beeping coming from the storage space next door to me and it wont stop and i want to poke my eyes out.

third, things are going well.... josh and i are getting along, every thing is going well with jim, mom's health is good right now (Knock wood) and i think i have a handle on things ... for now!

i look around myself and see the upheaval that has taken place in my bedroom and i want to scream, or throw it all out.... or something.... but i know that i can fix it all very soon, with time... and i should have time to devote to it this week... i hope!

ready for bed, it is going to get cold again tomorrow, i am NOT looking forward to it.
torchlight parade is saturday, i hope it is not freezing then, even with a giant bonfire, it is still pretty cold out there.

i put up my tree this weekend and we finished decorating it last night
when we were done we listened to xmas carols on the radio and sang together (josh and i)
it was fun
i find when i listen to xmas music alone i get sad
and i started to last night, and i decided that i had to change my attitude. sure i always wanted that picture perfect situation in my head about xmas
the boyfriend/husband who was there and attentive
the perfect xmas day where we would not have to drive all over creation and just relax in our own home.
but i dont have that, i never had that, i never will have that.... so why do i hang onto that in my head.
i am a strong woman and should be proud of myself for being a single parent for all these years.
i make a good home for my son and we do just fine.
we have our traditions and no one can take that away from us.
sure right now i am not in a situation where i wake up with my man on xmas morning, but i did not have that last year and the years with zeke were not 'warm and fuzzy' either.
so maybe that is to come, and if it never comes, that is ok too.
i do have a man who is crazy about me and has his own daughter to take care of... and our paths cross when they can. maybe next year or the year after that will be closer to what i imagine, but for now i need to be happy with what i have.
dont let that damn xmas music get you down!

josh is camping.... he is crazy
it is cold cold cold
but i am sure he is fine.
have to pick him up early tomorrow in time to get to church to lead the youth group and then he has to practice with the band.... then
xmas tree time!!
gonna get one and set it up tomorrow and he still has homework to finish
i am finally starting to get into the xmas spirit
not sure why now, and not sure if it will last
i sucked at my diet today, well not all day, but i ate about every chip that jean had in her house so i really messed it up then
feel like i am going to explode
did 5 loads of laundry today and have not put it away yet.... hmmm 10:28 pm

i realized that i had not written in several days
mostly because of being tired and not wanting to
i have hit a new point in my life
the point where mother of 13 year old
meets holiday season
meets growing closer to boyfriend
meets stressing about money
meets trying to be myself at all costs

i'm there!

so many little things are happening in my life
nothing really earth shattering but all building upon each other to make the teetering pile that is my life
josh is working very hard with school and since i have taken a greater interest in his school work he seems to get along better with me.... maybe he was just looking for that from me, who knows.

the holiday season is upon us, and thank god we (people in my life) have decicded to cut back a bit on gifts, i still have to get something for my mom and i am making frames for josh's pics and i still have to do that. but other than that, my xmas shopping is done. and most is wrapped already too.

my boyfreind.... wow, what can i say.... things are slowly progressing, i feel very very comfortable with him, i have no reason to be threatened of jealous of with him, he makes me feel great every time we talk or see each other .... he even made me dinner last night. i have never had any man make dinner for me EVER! he is so sweet and i am sooo happy.

money... huh! well.... i asked for a raise today. i was an emotional wreck. i decided i would never be caught up enough to be at the place i want to be when i asked, so i just asked. he was very receptive to listen to me and said he would have to talk to my other boss who is out this week but would let me know. something happens to me when i get emotional when i have to talk to him about stuff, i just close the door and let my guard down. i hate to cry but i really really could not help it
with the pressure of paying the bills, having my credit card maxed out and not quite sure how i will pay the rent this month, it just all built up and i lost it.
but i feel much better since i asked. it was a hurdle i had not wanted to cross over and i just bit the bullet and asked.

there is alot in my head these days and i try to keep it all sane but sometimes it does not work.
i am totally surpised that i am still getting up early and excercising every day for 20 minutes. i can feel a difference in my stamina and mood but no difference in my weight or body yet... dammit.

well, josh is camping all weekend at northwest park, crazy boys! it is freaking cold out there.
i have about 5 loads of laundry to do and maybe just stay in and keep warm....

feeling grouchy
stuck to my diet today
that is probably why
i want to go to bed but it is too early

gonna surf, maybe find something fun to look at

some days it is harder to live my life than others
the whole parent thing can get me down
sometimes i doubt my decisions
and i want to backtrack but i cant
it is 6:25 am and i have already worked out for 20 minutes and showered and dressed
no straight hair today again
i am just not in the mood.
i will do it tomorrow, i have to go to latham ny with my boss to check out a new computer system
my future is very clear these days on my horizon
i am able to look at things in small peices as well as large chunks
my role as a parent of a high school student is very clear to me, i wil never be off duty
he is smart but does not apply himself enough
i have a good friend whose kids are smart as well but they take the initiative to do all their homework, to A grade capacity, without even a prod or poke from a parent.
they are also a very happy stable two parent family as well, maybe that helps things out.
who knows what josh would be like if he had a normal father and a normal family all this time
who knows what he would be capable of if he had a normal dad who was still alive that he could strive to want to do well to impress.
i expect him to do well and when he does not, i get upset and angry.
i am worried because he is a math kid and he is not doing well in algebra.
they suggested that he would be suited for it, rather than pre-algebra but now he is struggling and i am confused and upset. i feel like my hands are tied because i dont understand algebra so i cant help him, i cant even look at his homework to see if he did it right.
we are meeting with the teacher today and he is on a mission to find a tutor during the day (taht does not cost money, we can get one afterschool but they cost money that i cant afford)

i see other things in my future, like the trip to colorado with my boss to see a computer system that i am nervous and aggitated about. nervous to fly, nervous to be away from josh on school days, nervous about traveling with my boss for that long.... i am sure i will be a better person afterward, and i am sure it will be the only time i will ever see colorado.... but still.... nervous.

and i see good things too like baby steps closer to jim and being in his life. those good things keep me going
they keep me smiling

i am going to steal some words today
written by my friend sharyn on her blog
-----
I remind you to stop and think about what really counts in life...run your fingers over the arms of the man you love, look deeply into the eyes of your child, touch the end of another nose with yours and breathe in their breath, kiss those magical lips with meaning, and remember, remember what it feels like to love.
----
how beautiful is this?
she is a beautiful person!

i cannot write like this, i dont have it in me. at least i dont think that i do.
i just trudge thru my day and write here about things i am doing and things i am going thru
but nothing is meaningful to anyone, nothing moves you ... or me for that matter.
back when i was an emotional wreck i may have written more that was deep and meaningful
but these days, not so much.

i tend to just float along. i often wonder if i should put this blog down.
the things that bother me are so small so often.
but i keep coming back to it
so i can get my feelings out in this manner.

i have bumps ahead of me on this road.
it is not smooth sailing yet! :)

so what is it about the weekends and me?
i heard from jim yesterday around noon, was going to be working in the yard all day
now it is almost noon sunday and i have feelings of dread again
what if he got hurt cleaning the gutters
what if he lost his phone again
no replies to vm or email so far
why cant i just let it go, and let god do the work for me
sure he might be really busy but hell, does it take that long to just shoot me a hello email so i know you are not hurt in the hospital
so i have a party at jeans today for lizzie's bday. i have a spinich casserole in the oven that i am bringing with me.
party starts at 2
just wish i would get some sort of contact from him
sometimes this just kills me
and i dont think it is anything really obvious. i think it is underlying because i am resentful that i dont get to spend weekend time with him yet.
i think if i saw him yesterday or if he was setting it up so i could see him today... then i would not be so upset
but when i dont hear from him all saturday and so far all morning sunday, i wonder, and wondering does not do me any good.
there could be a very simple explanation.... really tired last night and missed my calls, got up late today and busy so far
very simple explanations
but my head just spins and runs and makes me think things like
he is hurt in the hospital
he lost his phone
something 'happened' last night
anything.
everything

but i know that i am a strong confident woman
and i can survive this.
i think the main thing is if he is hurt and not able to use his phone
no one knows to call me.
shannon does not even know i exist.

so i will say a prayer that he is not hurt and just busy
and i will hear from him soon to let my mind rest

thanksgiving day

what i am thankful for....
my son and that he is healthy and relatively happy most of the time (he's 13)
my health, so far so good and i am on the right track trying to exercise again
my friends, i have some very special ones that i could not have gone thru this last year without
jean, patrick, sally, gloria, jenny, sharyn, just to name a few
my family and their health... so far.... and i am lucky to spend another holiday with them all... in tact.
jim, my whole outlook on the future has changed since i met him, i am so happy with him and i know he is happy with me too.
the fact that i have a job still when so many others are loosing theirs or cant find one

my life is bountiful and i am truly thankful

i hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving and get to spend some time enjoying the things and people you are most thankful for.

god bless us, everyone....
oh wait that is xmas.... oops! :)

so jim took a step in the right direction, got a sitter to come to the house and was able to come out with us on monday to the tiger to see josh play and he got to stay with me for the night too.
the big steps here are A) got a sitter for the night B) told the sitter who is a good friend that he was on a date... which means that people know about me now, kinda :)

it will all come together, for now, i am not worried at all.
he is gonig to relatives for thanksgiving, maybe next year we will spend it together.
i have to work today and i am not in the mood at all. there is so much to do to prepare for tomorrow and i cant start any of it until i get out of work tonight at 5
i pray to god there is nothing on my schedule that i have to do at 5, no time, no time at all for anything but holiday prep!

frozen.... my toes are frozen... my fingers are frozen.... it is too damn cold out too damn early
going to visit with jean this afternoon, that will be nice, we dont get to do that much these days, our schedules and kids keep us too busy.
my upstairs still looks like i just moved in yesterday... but hopefully we can work on it all later today.
was hoping to see jim today... i am really hoping beyond all hopes that that freaking mother kicks back into gear and starts taking her a couple days a week, like it was supposed to be when i signed up for this!
i have to go on a real diet... i dont care what it is but i have to do it, starting tomorrow i think.... my pants are tight and i am not comfortable at all.
tomorrow is another busy day....
work, payrol, i have a doctors apt with dr d. yearly and i have to discuss my frequent uti woes. josh's conference with his team teachers.... need to get up to speed
and josh is playing at the hungry tiger jam with trey at around 9:30.

it figures the one night i have tons to do, is the night that jim asks me what i am doing when i get out of work. i feel like shit that i was not totally available.... tues is scouts and wed he is going boston way for thanksgiving with relatives and who knows how long he will be gone.
hope just till friday. not that it matters, not like i can definately see him anyway.
but still i like it when he is around to call and email with. it is fun.

up too late
cant sleep
i cannot believe everything i did today
finally that damn bed is out of here, now he has to work on fixing up the room in order to get the new bed... that might take another week.
my eyes are blurry and it hurts to look at the screen.
miss jim, what else is new, we did talk alot and email alot today, but still.... would love to be sitting by his side rather than emailing .... anyday :)
it will come.... he left a msg for his ex about taking his daughter more often, but she did not call him back. big surprise.
i am so ready to get this house in order but it takes so much time. i am getting there... the downstairs is pretty much done.... the uspstairs looks like we moved in today with crap in the halls and boxes everywhere... maybe tomorrow i will make some headway.

so another weekend is here, cant say i dont have alot to do... i have about 5 loads of laundry that MUST be done VERY soon, OR ELSE
we have errands and places to be all morning long tomorrow
and possibly a visit with jean on sunday afternoon.
jim is still sick as a dog and i am worried at this point because of his asthma
every day i hope that he is feeling better and every day he seems to feel worse.
i wish i could do something but really there is nothing i can do, i cant make him go to the doctor and i cant do anything that will make him better
so i just wait
you know how i love to wait

did the vendor fair tonight at clover st and sold about $130, which is great cause that will get me thru the weekend and into the beginning of the week too.

i would love to work on our bedrooms this weekend and take that bed apart and give things to charity and clean up more.
i hope i have the energy to do it all

i miss my boyfriend
it's official
he has been sick and not himself
but also i got to see him 3 times last week and yes i did go to see him on monday night but it was not for long and we barely got time to talk cause he was not feeling well
i want him to get better so i can see if he still likes me as much as he used to cause it is hard to tell when he is sick
does not talk on the phone much and kind of out of it from being groggy

i tell myself that i can deal with this and i truely believe that i can, i have been thru much harder times in my life.
but i have a hard time seeing the end of the tunnel and i wonder how long it will be before i do see it.
this is still really new and he is protecting his daughter, but .........
i still miss him.
i think if he was feeling better he would have tried to come up for lunch this week...
i dont know, maybe it is also because i am not feeling so good either lately
and i am pretty grouchy.

bought everything i need for thanksginving last night, spent like ....over $150, that is alot for me for a party! but $50 was the package store and that should last me a long time.

feel like i have a cold. did all my shopping for thanksgiving day. spent more money... dammit!
relaxing with a drink, it's been a long day.
work is so hectic that when i leave lately, my head is just kinda fuzzy. does not help that i am not feeling up to par, but i get so drained from work this week, i am just a lump at the end of the day.

jean invited me out tonight and i would really like to go but i cant afford it and i am so damn tired by 8pm .... again the lump feeling. ugh!

i feel like i should be writing about my feelings but really i am doing ok lately.
i will be glad when jim is no longer sick, he is not really himself, as it is with most people.
he will not be coming to my house for thanksgiving but he will be going to his cousins in mass so i am glad he wont be alone with his daughter thinking about his mom.

i am too tired to think of things to write anymore tonight....

my stomach is grumbling
i am tired but not sleepy
i feel like i am coming down with what ever jim has
money has got me down
and being a mom is super tedious today, more than usual

so up until today i was feeling odd about things since last wednesday
and i felt today that i was no longer able to see the future with jim
i could always see it so clearly but today i could not see it

and then it all turned around. we were talking on the phone around noontime, just joking and laughing and he stopped and said 'i miss you'
and then he asked me to come over tonight

i dont know if it will happen cause he is sick and might just fall asleep early but it was nice that he said those things and nice that he thought that.

i feel much better now.

work was HELL today
i am not even remotely close to caught up and i would be surprised if i am by the end of the week. certified payroll is giving me fits and i am just stuck on it right now.
would love to have it be the start of my vaca all over again.

gonna go don my winter coat and go for a walk to walk off the buffalo wild wings dinner josh and i just ate.... eek!

i just realized that i never left the house today
well, i worked outside cleaning up the back deck area and the front garden
but never got in the car at all.
not even for a coffee

we did more cleaning and sorting
and josh and i watched a movie and played games at the living room table.
it was a nice day

jim is still sick
i hope he is better soon

i am not feeling myself, or the way it used to be.... before our 'situation' on wednesday
i am trying to get back the way i was but i feel odd
because i am trying not to mention our future life together as to show him respect for his decision to wait to introduce me
but on the other hand i feel strained when speaking, hoping i dont overstep

it is like i lost my way
and it feels very odd.
today felt better than the last few days
maybe i am still shaken by the fact that i almost lost him last week
maybe i am still getting my footing back

i hope to get over this eggshell feeling
i spent too many years walking on them
i wont do it again

my head feels cluttered today
kind of like the drawers of this desk that i am trying to clear out
i hope my shower will set me straight
no church today for me, i got up too late for that. i would have to be ready and out the door in less than an hour... dont think i am capable of that today
it is my last day before vaca is over and i dont feel like rushing around.

i need desperately to come up with some excercise daily for 30 minutes. it is so hard to force myself to do anything like that.
maybe when i rearrange my room the treadmill will make more sense.... who knows.

my diet is killing me, i am not gaining but also not loosing.

well, off to the showers and i hope that i can get my head together
i also hope i get to speak to jim a few times today, that always seems to help too.

well it wasnt a busy day and it wasnt an exciting day but i made it thru just fine
my attitude was very good today.
spoke to jim several times and he is a bit sick, hope he is feeling better by morning
went to lunch with patrick, at union st, it was yummy as usual.... thanks patrick!
i am very happy with my living room, i can sit in there and it feels like HOME and that is exactly what i was going for
now i have to work on my bedroom, i hope by then end of tomorrow i will have a good feeling about my bedroom too.

here i am with yet another day all to myself
josh is camping, yes it is raining
i rearranged my living room and i LOVE it.
still have lots of paperwork to go thru and find a home for and next up is my bedroom. that will be the rough stuff
not sure what to do up here.

i was hoping to sleep later but my mom woke me early so here i am.
will try to go back for a cat nap before i have to get up for the day.

well here it is
my last day of vacation
nothing accomplished at all
i got to see jim 3 of the 5 work days (today he is too busy)
that is alot better than normal weeks

i have a new outlook on our relationship and am dealing with things differently in my head, i hope that it works for both of us.

i have a new outlook on how to deal with others as well. i hope that works out too.

i tried to sell josh's bed.... again... and it did not sell so i would like to get it out of here and into the storage space asap so we can move on with life.

i would like to do some organizing today, maybe furniture moving... who knows.
i basically have the whole day ahead of me and i dont know what to do first!

my new theory
take one day at a time
one weekend at a time
one holiday at a time

my business is no ones business but my own

no need to ruffle feathers of people like my mom, just have an answer when they ask the question and move on.....

soon enough my life will be in overdrive again with the holidays coming up and everything.... and i dont need the extra drama.

i just saw a flair on face book that said
junior high called, it wants its drama back.....
i am all for that!!
----
he did call by the way and everything is fine, as far as i can tell at least.

waking up to a new day
i almost lost it all last night
by telling jim about my mother giving me a hard time about seeing him and the holidays
i in turn made him feel so bad about putting me thru this that he was going to break up with me
luckily, for now, he changed his mind
i say for now because i am waiting to hear from him as of yet today and maybe after he slept on it he may have changed his mind back again

me on the other hand, i have to look at this in a different light
i have to treat it like a long distance relationship and i have to realize how new it really still is, because in a normal 3+ month relationship, people would have gone on probably at least 2 dates a week for that period of time, maybe even more as the months progressed. we have been on very few and so it is almost like part of the relationship is still in the first month.

i am feeling sick to my stomach and i feel like i want to cry
i feel like there is a huge weight on my chest and i am trying to push it off
i know i can do this
i can handle this waiting period, i am the most patient person on earth it seems with all that i put up with when i was with scott and everything else i have done in my life.
i can do this
i have to shake it off and see where it leads

i will not feel better until i hear from him today tho
until i know for sure he is back to normal

so let me start this post by saying that i am still crazy about jim and look forward to our future together. i still respect him for not wanting to have his daughters feelings hurt and i think it is commendable that he is doing this. i also want to not that even though it is going on 4 months, it is still new.

it really gets me down when everyone makes a big deal out of me not being able to see jim....most particularly .... my mother.
pretty much everyone else knows the drill by now, they know that i dont get to see him often and they ask me in such a way that does not make me feel bad, or stupid. they know how i feel and what lengths i am willing to go to for our relationship to last.

but my mom just does not get how much she irritates me and belittles me when she brings this up. i KNOW part of it is her memory. she cant remember little things never mind something this big (to me). but i find that i dont stay long at her house anymore, i come in and drop things off and leave, or i do the pill box and run out. i dont visit anymore because i am afraid she is going to bring it up again.
and she did, last night.
i stopped in to help her with something she could not do by herself and we were watching jeopardy and she started asking me about jim. she asked about thanksgiving, which the holidays are really making me cringe lately all on my own. she asked if he will join us and i said probably not because i have not met his daughter yet. she then started to ask me how long i was going to put up with this.
i lost it at that point.
i told her 'this is the deal' and i have explained it before. and i told her that is why i dont stay and chat with her anymore, because i am afraid she is going to keep bringing it up.

it really is a touchy subject for me. i have never had to deal with this before.
and neither has he
the lack of babysitters is astonishing. and i think i know how he feels about someone new, like using the sitter i found for him. when josh was younger i dont know how i would have felt about leaving him with someone i did not know. i have never had to deal with that. i have always had my mother and my sisters and if for some crazy reason none of them were available i have jean and i bet even laurel would take him for a short time.
i have back up
he does not have back up
it is that simple.
and i can put myself in that position and think how it must feel.

i told him the other day when i was emotional about the holidays (after watching sex and the city the movie, which i am soooo glad i did not see in the theater because i cried all thru the damn thing) i told him i dont care what he has to do but i will not be alone on new years eve, so he has got to arrange it.
my guess is i wont have met his daughter by then and i will be alone.

my hopes are getting dashed lately because i have no idea how long he is going to wait. if he waits the same 9 months he waited with the last one, i definitely wont be with him at any holidays anytime soon.

in the grand scheme of things, several months is nothing when after that several months you are together from then on. he is worth the wait i just dont know how long i will have to wait.
as long as he keeps making his best effort to be with me when he can, and if that useless mother would start taking her kid even once a week, i can put up with it for a while longer. the effort on his part makes it easier for me to deal with.

but when people keep hounding me about seeing him and asking how long will i put up with it..... it really really gets me down. and unfortunately my mom's memory is such that she will keep bringing it up, maybe not again today or this week but i guarantee at least once more before thanksgiving. and several more times before xmas.

i cant express in words how much i wish and pray every day that he will find the acceptance in his heart and take a chance on introducing me to his daughter.
my lesson in patience and loss of control of a situation continues....

getting some much needed cleaning and clearing out done
it is like clearing cobwebs from the corners of my mind when i am able to throw out things that mean nothing to me anymore... whether i have moved on from it or i just have not touched it in a year or more or i just feel the need to toss it and i will feel better.... it just makes me feel good to do it.

and i find things, like my last registration for my car that i KNEW i got and paid for but lost the envelope with the sticker for my car... 2 years ago....
or sometimes i find change to add to the change jar
or sometimes old mementos from josh that help me remember how cute he was when he was small.

new events in our lives.... josh is about to embark on possibly being in a blues band with other youths and maybe, just maybe go to memphis in february to play at the international blues society.
nothing is written in stone yet, we are just going to meet the guitar player and his dad on thursday so the boys can meet and jam and see if they have the same playing styles etc etc. he is 16 and goes to school in manchester. the drummer is 15 and lives in mass near the cape.
who knows how it will all turn out, but even if it does not materialize, i am excited for him to play with others and keep up with his blues training.
this was all suggested by zeke of all people.... he is the only guy i ever broke up with that is still my friend. maybe i have just gotten to a point where i am adult enough to accept that too.

it is like with facebook. i look at these people and i dont suggest that i am their friend because i think "we only used to talk in grade school they probably dont remember me or would not have any interest in talking to me" but i have found that this is not true. we are all adults now and have similar interests and are going thru similar things. i think it is great that i am able to connect with people i never thought i would see again in my life. that must just be the sentimental part of me talking. i know that is not for everyone.... but i am glad for the connections i have made, and hope to make more.

i saw rene yesterday at the ortho and we got to talking about a reunion... since there is not going to be one this year (25 years whoo hoo) we thought maybe we would try to set up a meeting on facebook of who ever is in town on a particular weekend and pick a spot and say 'stop by for a drink' and see who we get.
even if only a few show up, at least we tried.

i am on vacation.... YAY
nothing planned, just errands and seeing jim where i can
gonna catch lunch with patrick and try to catch up with jean too
getting my act together at home is a huge undertaking and i can tell you right now i am not in the mood for it today!
actually right now i dont feel like doing anything.... that is exactly what i am going to do .... nothing!

by the way, i did talk to jim, all is well, he was just visiting with the guys and the conversation turned to things that he needed to vent about and he told me 'console' and 'traumatic' were poor choices of words... ahh, men, when will they learn to be more like us?
never.

sunday
a day like all days
i am up early to get ready for church
then we go to lunch with grammy jeanne out in willimantic
i called jim last night just to say hi and he said a buddy was over helping to console him
i asked about what and he said he would call me in a few minutes when the guy left
he never called, never answered my calls
sure it probably is as simple as he was exhausted and fell asleep but in my mind, it races around and hits off all the walls of my brain.
so again on a sunday morning, i wait to hear from him
being removed from his life (well not really removed, just not let inside)
this is hard for me because i care so very much and i am not allowed to be part of it
i cant imagine what had happened between 5 when i talked to him last and 9pm when he needed to be consoled.
could be anything

either way, i have no recourse but to wait for a call or email
i left msgs he knows how i am feeling and wishing i could help.

he has been a loner for so many years, not letting people in, dealing with problems on his own, this is something i dont think will ever change.

some days this is very hard for me
to be the removed girlfriend
i cant be there for him when he has troubles
and on the flip side i cant be there for good times either

this is hard sometimes.

so i went to the docs today
my bp was 130/90 today, lower than yesterday with my caffeine induced jitters but still too high.
he told me to loose inches in my waist... it was not my weight that mattered it is the inches and i need to loose like 3 or more.... HA! good luck to ya on that one!

well i am undecided about what i should do for diet
i was thinking of going back to small meals keeping track of calories, using cereal, soups and pre-made meals for breakfasts and lunches and a small dinner, stay away from treats like i always do, but incorporate more fruits and veggies into it.

sounds like a good idea... but i love food so much i get so freakin hungry, not sure how that will work for me.
i might also switch to red wine because it is better for your health :)

been over a week since i have seen jim, and i miss him. the weekend is coming and i have no idea if i will see him or not. i wish that mother would just take her once in a while. i hate that.

tomorrow is my last day before vacation. nothing planned but i do hope to see jim each day even for a bit (m-f) while the kids are at school.... i hope.

i am absolutely not one of the bloggers posting every day in november
but here is one anyway

they did not take my blood tonight at the blood drive... not because i was anemic like usual, but because my blood pressure was crazy high
something like a million over two million.... actually it was 140 over 110
both crazy high numbers but the bottom was much more of a concern
so naturally i came home thinking i would die
so if i am gonna die i am gonna go out having a good time so i had some wine and i made brownies so i could lick the bowl.... i feel better now and my home blood pressure thingy said 130 over 90 a few minutes ago which is much more normal for me.

i did have a diet coke for lunch which i never never do and the caffeine must have effected me quite a bit.

i will make an appointment with dr sherwood tomorrow and i think i am going off atkins. it cant be good for me.
i have been on it for over a year and i think my blood pressure is telling me something.
i will look into small well balanced meals and see if i can control my weight that way.

i miss jim, have not seen him in a week and i am hoping he will call me to come over tonight but i am not holding my breath at this point.

gonna go lie down for a while.... and relax.

i just remembered that josh has to finish a project, and i wont be getting him from grammy's till noonish. and i put his bed on ebay and if it sells (auction ends tonight at 10pm) i will have to take it apart pretty hasty like so the people who bought it can come pick it up. it has 3 watchers but no bids so technically it might not sell at all. so i wait till 10pm and see.
it is a good possibility that jim took off for the weekend, have not heard from him since yesterday at noonish.... i would much rather have it be that scenario than him being hurt somewhere, in the hospital etc etc.
so again, i wait.
i have to go to church today to attend the teachers meeting and help jenny out a bit but that is it.
not sure what i will do with the rest of my day.... dont want to break that bed down in case it does not sell.

perhaps people might start listening to me someday soon
josh might accept that i am right once in a while
and other people too
i told equity that i wanted some paint to touch up, i mentioned there are two kinds, i thought they used a gloss in the kitchen and bathrooms and the girl said no i dont think so
so they left me a 55 gallon tub of it (really it was not THAT much but it was heavy) and i painted all the scuffs all over the apartment and hours later, low and behold, the stuff in the kitchen is glossy... huh? whoda thunk it, i was right!?

anyway i dont even care anymore.

i painted, i did mom's shopping, i brought josh to his lesson, i got the pics from the wedding duped at cvs i went to the scariest place on earth (walmart) to do some shopping.....
i am out of ideas of things to do.... i stuck to atkins pretty well today, but the day is not over yet, far from it.... it is only 6pm
i have not heard from jim since 11am i have a feeling he skipped town for the weekend, but i am just guessing. would be nice if he returned my calls but whatever :)

anyway, now i dont know what to do, josh is at mom's for the night and the only thing i know of is going to kevin's football game at 7pm but i am already cold i dont want to be cold for 3 more hours.

oh i also went to the cemetery where my dad is buried. that is where i go when i want to think about the future, i talk to dad, i talk to god..... it is peaceful and beautiful there.
but cold.... so i did not stay long.

i made ground turkey with taco seasoning and now i am stuffed.
going to surf for a while

here i sit with the whole weekend ahead of me
no real plans except josh's lesson this morning
this weekend i could use to clean or organize or paint
i have no idea what i will want to do when i finally get started

we have the bed on ebay and the auction is over tomorrow night, no bids yet
but if someone buys it, we will have to take it apart and get it to the people.
or at least get it into pieces out front so they can pick it up.

i just dont think it will sell.... but i have to be prepared anyway.... i work well under pressure.

i asked the equity if i could have some paint to touch up since i will be here another year and the walls are scuffed... so they brought me a 5 gallon bucket too big to lift. not sure how i will pour the paint without getting it everywhere but i will try.

i have all sorts of little things that hang on the walls that i picked up from laurel's cleaning, i can get my act together and hang them too. and i have floating shelves i would love to put up so i can put out more pictures etc.

josh's room needs to be cleaned out completely, i could work on that too.

or i can rent movies and sit and watch them and drink wine all day.... i have so many options

my head is swimming
not sure what to write
work is hectic and i am on vacation in one week, yay!
i hope to see lots of jim while the kids are at school.
i had a few glasses of wine with jean tonight and i am feeling calm
calm is good
josh is getting ready for bed
we did not argue at all today
it was a tough day for me
a bit of weeping several times today
i have been fixed so i dont have my period anymore but damn if i dont get really emotional once in a while.... i will blame the ovaries.... they are still in there.

just a quick one before work
getting depressed about having to wait to be let into his life.... i cant understand why god would let me meet someone who is so perfect for me and then not let me be with him
am i being punished for bad things i have done in the past.... i just dont understand and it is getting me down.... alot.
i understand that he needs to feel secure with me, but i just scream take a chance on me!

sally, dont do it. you are better than that, you deserve better. dont let your being lonely and vulnerable pull your walls down. you deserve better. i love you!

work is piling up and i just never get ahead.... what i do accomplish i do well, and then there is always a pile that needs to be done. i hope i can buckle down today and get some extra done.

i cant wait for the day when jim wakes up and says
today is the day

and in the end
the love we take
is equal to the love
we make

for some reason that song is in my head today... maybe to calm me the hell down
i am already riled up and nothing has happened yet.
i think i am anticipating the work on my desk... and not liking it at all

i hope that today when i speak to josh he will be polite and respect me
but i am not holding my breath.... i might die.

looking forward to seeing jim soon, i hope.
no plans in the works as usual... but maybe we can start to talk about it today.
with any luck, the stars will align for us :)

i really really dont want to go to work. my eyes hurt for some reason .... i am sick, cough cough
i should stay home cough cough.....
HA! that would never happen!

i am SO grouchy
my car cost me $400 and i still have over $850 in more work that has to be done on it
argh!!!
and josh is a pain in the ass
i had to punish him tonight and i stuck to my guns on it.
kept him from going to scouts
he was and is so rude to me and i just dont know what to do about it cause he does not respect what i have to say as authority
and i have not heard from jim
he is/has been at a reception for his friend who passed away
we emailed all morning till almost noon and then he went. i got a call from him around 3;30 telling me he had left the elks and was going to a friends house.... never heard back, left 2 msgs
i think i am most upset because if the mom took the kid, and he did not call me to be with him i will be pissed cause the mom has not taken the kid in pretty close to a month and this could be the last time for another month!
i am hoping he has her and is just asleep and if that is the case i wont be upset... but if i dont get to see him for weeks on end cause of this i will be pissed
i am ok with the relationship parameters most days but when it comes to the mother taking the kid.... i get testy.
she is so fucking lame
i cant believe it
i seriously think she took her overnight around a month ago and before that it was definitely weeks, not days.
well.... maybe i can see him for lunch sometime soon.....

anyway. .... i have had a few glasses of wine and i just dont even care anymore.
i am sure if he did not have his daughter he would call me .... no matter what time it was... cause that's how he rolls.
so i assume he is home with her asleep.

i am almost done with my nightly computer activities.... i check my mail, i go on facebook, i do my blog and then i read my blogs i follow....
then i will go to sleep.

i wish i had some wonderful poetic thing to say, but it is just not in me tonight... too much anger at josh and my car i think

ok so i decided not to tell jim about the blog
at least not yet
jean convinced me that this is a good place to vent and i might need to vent about him
so .... best keep it between just 'us' for now :)

mom has to have another procedure, problems with circulation in her legs apparently
she has to go to a vascular doc next week and will probably have an MRA, like and MRI but different, how so, i have no idea yet.

i asked what the treatment for this problem is and they said there are many different treatments and they depend on the specific results of the MRA so again, no idea what the treatments are.

i tend to freak out about mom.
i am the doctor/nurse/nutritionist daughter in the family.
i worry about her. i dont want to loose her
and every time she has a procedure i know that she might not come out of it.... either the same, or come out of it at all.

i look at jim who misses his mom so much, when i tell him how i get angry with my mom he tells me, he understands cause he used to get upset with his mom too but now, he would give anything in the world to have her back aggravating him again.

looking around me again i am disgusted with the unorganized mess that i live in. i wish i had the time to get it together. working 7-5 m-f is a pain in the ass. you never get anything done.

ok i am done being grouchy, gonna go surf for a while.

so i am still arguing with josh
i just want to slap him, but i dont
i look at pictures of when he was 2 and i know that was when he loved me
well, i know he loves me now too but it just drives me NUTS being his mom
he is such a freaking smarty pants and i am so sick of it all.
everything with him is an argument, everything with him is an i told you so

breathe deep.....

so i am wondering when i will tell jim that i am a crazy person and have a blog.... i will have to go thru it and delete all the posts with him in them and start sterile from here forward.... hmmm
me sterile.... what a concept.

earlier today i was near tears, i just feel like everything i do is a chore, is a job, is a huge project, is a headache.... everything.
nothing is easy.
i am sure it is all me, but that is the way i am feeling lately.

up early to put streaks in my hair
so i have about 15 minutes to sit and think about things
i have another busy morning..... church, basically but i will be there till noon time i am sure.
i hope to be able to see jim but yesterday he was so pissed about his situation that i am afraid today he might shut me out for a while.
that is what he does, deals with his problems himself
and if he cant be with me, because of circumstances out of our control, he may just not call for a long time.... i dont know.
i am not holding my breath about seeing him today, it did not look good yesterday, so i dont see how things might change today.
might help laurel a bit today if i cant see jim
not sure just yet
jim always comes first....

so i sent an email and will call around 9:30 and then i wait...
i leave my days open just in case i can see him, he tried for yesterday and it fell thru
i hope he tries for today as well

so i miss jim
i soooo look forward to the future when i can see him when ever i want.
i have no idea when he will get to the point where he does not think that i will crush his heart and his daughters heart.... but i hope it is soon

had a nice evening with patrick with some wine and pasta dinner! ate enough meatballs and salad to sink a ship, but a bit of pasta too
i need to hit atkins hard.... and soon.

another one of those weekends
crazy busy and no jim, at least not today
i am surprisingly ok with it so far
i think i am understanding him more and understanding that he is
totally into me and he just has a bad babysitter situation going on.
i think this is a good thing on my part.

he is having a bad day and i just wish i could be there to help him with his spirits
but that will come in time.

gonna go visit patrick for a while
have to pick up josh at 8 and have to get my 'to go' dinners from the scouts
pasta... that i cant eat :)

busy crazy weekend
went to the lesson and then to the cemetery out in stafford
it is the 3 year anniversary of josh's dad passing away
we were arguing this morning but then he turned for the better and tried to make up with me after an argument
by the time we got to stafford it was like the teenage fueled feeling had extinguished themselves and we were friends again.
we sat for a while on the big steep hill that scott is buried on. josh of course did not have his coat so we sat huddled together. i asked him what he was thinking about and he said ... hugs.
i KNOW that it upset him beyond belief to not have given his dad one more hug before he left us.
he was glad that we went and we just sat there quietly and thought to ourselves. that is usually what we do when we go there.
after that i treated him (and me) to roy rogers, cause that one in vernon is the only one around here... we had to drive right by on the way home.
i had a chocolate milkshake and i feel like it was far too decadent and i should not have done it, oh well, too late.

just waiting now for 3:30 when josh has to be at the pasta dinner.... and will probably do some laundry in between.
jim is trying to arrange a date for us, but it is not looking good right now.
oh well, it will happen eventually. i am sure of it.

ok i am much much better now
i did not write cause it hurt too much, i had a
horrible uti and it was the worst i have had in a long long time
but it is getting better now, much better so i am feeling human again
except for the approx 500 carbs i had in the cranberry juice i drank yesterday
i have to start atkins all over after that... go back into induction i am sure

weekend is here, i have no plans to see jim yet but i have requested a playdate again...
i hope we can do it.

work is going to be a bear since i left unexpectedly yesterday at 3

mom has a flu shot today, still no word from the cardiologist about the test results.

i hate waiting

my hair is too dark
i dont like it
will have to put a few light streaks in it to break it up....eek!

my concerns today
1) hope jim is ok with the news about his friend
2) hope i can get lots of work done today to put me back on track for month end
3) need some sleep, need to catch up
4) need to fix my hair, not happy with the color.... but the gray is gone and that was the main objective i guess

off to straighten.... i hate that part.

coloring my hair
going back to the medium ash blonde and will put some highlights into it in a couple days
hope it does not look like shit
i loved that perfect 10 cause it was done in 10 minutes but you have to recolor your hair every 2 weeks and it cost twice as much as the regular stuff
trying so hard to organize, weed out and make my place lovely
i want to walk into it and be happy with it
i just signed another year lease and i want so much to walk in and have that cottage-y feel
jim has a friend who had an aneurysm and is in a vegetative state on life support waiting for friends and family to arrive. he is with his friends grieving this loss. i feel bad, aneurysms and heart attacks scare me the most. they come out of nowhere and take someone from you when you least expect it. and most times there is no warning for either.

i am not ready for winter, i am not even ready for fall, i hate the cold especially cause i dont have good layers and sweaters. and shoes bug me in the cold weather, i am great with sandals etc but in the weather when your feet have to be covered, 9 times out of 10 i wear sneakers and i hate that, it is so lazy to do that

work is hectic and month end is coming... i hope that i can get my act together by the end of the week.

as i get ready for my day at work i look at where i am and think
wow, did i ever think i would have such a great guy in my life this time a year ago....
a year ago i had not met pete yet and i was still struggling with if i wanted to be with zeke forever or not
he is a great guy but just not a great boyfriend, for me really. he is too set in his ways. and not into what i was looking for in the future
pete was a train wreck in my life that needed to happen
to experience the good
and to experience the extreme hurt, i think i would not be the same person today if i was not devastated by pete in march.
weeding out the match.com-ers this spring and summer was also something i needed to do.
and thank my lucky stars that i found jim.
i had seen his profile before but because he was a smoker i did not do anything... but on that last hurrah when i contact all those people 3 days before my subscription expired, i just thought, if nothing sticks this time, i am giving up for a while.
he was the first to respond and he started emailing me and we have not stopped since ;)
last night he called me at 2:30 in the morning because he had woke from a nightmare and could not remember what the dream was.... he wanted to talk to me.
i felt so happy that he had done this.... it sounds stupid, but to be there for him when he was in a panic state, for him to get his phone from the other room and call me just to hear my voice, means alot to me.
i am off to work, have to go to westboro court today (hopefully for the last time) for small claims... i hope it is a nice day for a ride.....

i sooo dont want to go to work today
the weekend was not long enough
but as the days go on, my responsibilities are diminishing.... thank god
really,laurel is moved and i just have to help her with a few loads to the church after next weekend.
i need to focus on where i live and make it more homey cause i walk in here and i hate it
i think i need to rearrange the furniture or something drastic like that
i want to be happy with it by the time thanksgiving rolls around. and i have 8 or 10 extra people in it... aah!
i would love to entertain more but who would i entertain really?

i am doing my hair curly today, i have not got the energy to make it straight and i know i wont see jim for a few days at this point anyway.
i cant wait for his daughter to sleep at her mom's again, i have no idea when it will be but i bet she will do it at least once in the next 30 days..... whoo hooo, something to look forward to. hopefully it wont be a school night, but most likely it will be :)

i am in a much better place, having seen jim for a good amount of time and was able to talk to him about 'things' and be reassured that he still wants me in his life and still thinks i am the cats meow... he did not use those words, i did. ;)

so i saw jim today
told him how i was feeling and he told me i was crazy to think like that
he told me he would make it happen today and he did
i got reassurance from him that he still is attracted to me and still wants to be with me and i told him that i was worried that he would never let me into his life.
he reassured me again that it was totally him and it has nothing to do with me or who i am or how i act or anything like that. he has been hurt before and he is just waiting until he feels more secure i guess in his head.
he is still crazy about me, and misses me when i am not with him.
we had a nice visit for about 3 hours and i am happy with that.

been playing on facebook and trying to scan some pics from the wedding so i could email them to jean and jim.
it worked but my scanner is crap.

i dont look forward to work tomorrow, i still have piles but i am getting there.... will have to do payroll first thing.... ugh!

so i feel like throwing up today and it is not from the wine at the party
this is what i am thinking is going to happen, and it is a sinking feeling

i think jim is going to break up with me today because he will say that he does not
have time to see me enough to keep me happy... or something like that.

i just have this feeling that is going to happen, and it makes me very very sad

i feel this because after we spoke at 2 yesterday when he told me he could not get a sitter, i called at 4:30 and around 6 and around 8:30..... tried the office first which was not switched to the cell and then tried the cell which went to vm each time.

sure the other explanation could be that his phone died while he was out and he did not get the missed calls or the messages until too late or this morning and he could call me today and everything will be fine.....
my explanation is he was screening the calls and did not want to deal with me

yes, i know this is my doomsday attitude and it is bringing me down, but i cant tell you how i feel right now, it just feels like doomsday to me.
i have to get ready for church and then do my mom's shopping afterward.... i am sure i will be checking my phone alot until he calls.,....
the way we left it was that he was going to make it happen for today... somehow....

we shall see.

so why is it that i cant have anything good?
i am a good person
i go to church
i do TONS for my church
i am a great loyal friend and will do anything to help my friends
i am crazy about my boyfriend

what have i done in this world to not let me have anything really good
when i met jim i thought oh my god this is so different this is so great
every time i am with him it is wonderful
but today after we spoke at around 2 i have not heard back from him at all and i left 3 messages
by the way, i am done.
that is enough messages, dont ya think?
i have no idea why he would not call me back... unless he was not at home. at his friends house and then home late... i dont know, i have no idea... it is not my job to guess or speculate
tomorrow is church and if i dont hear from him by noon i will just start cleaning my house.... what the hell else do i have to do.

jeff was not the first person to ask me, but he did ask me tonight if i am sure i am not the other woman. my first response is i am not the other woman, then i said i am the other woman to his daughter, then i just thought about it and i dont want to think about such things.

if i cant believe what i thought i believed about him then what is my life coming to.... how can i second guess what i was so sure of.
i just need to see him and talk to him
he said he will make it happen tomorrow but who knows really.
i hope that he does but i have no idea.

i only doubt myself because that is the natural thing for me to do. i think that i am not worth anything good, so i assume that i fucked something up or that something is wrong.
but we know this.... this is how i roll .... this is what i do....

no jim today
could not get a sitter
still not ready for me to be introduced
i was upset, but mainly cause i was looking forward to it so damn much

i am over it now, helped laurel unpack all day and it got my mind off it
will go to jean's party in a few minutes too

i am so sick of people asking me where he is and i always say he has his daughter
i am so sick of people telling me i am wasting my time
i really like him, and it has only been 3 months, i really think he is worth the wait
i just hope the wait is not too long.

said he will make it happen for tomorrow so i have alternate plans for josh so far.
have not heard from grammy jean about lunch so i guess we are off for that event as well
josh wants to go to the cemetery to see his dad, but not sure if that will happen tomorrow or not.

i hate being alone in the apartment, it is lonely and sad.... and messy....