its my party and i'll cry if i want to

well this is a day that my worst fears take over

all day long the realtors phone has gone directly to vm

well, he told me yesterday that he was having alot of trouble with it so maybe it is dead or lost or something like that

OR maybe he is hurt or sick or in the hospital.... and they turned the phone off.

this is what i hate cause i have no idea where he is or how he is.

i hope the phone is just dead or lost and he gets a new one tomorrow

or i hope i hear from him tomorrow.

i cannot believe that he is avoiding my calls, it is not ringing at all so it is not like there is one ring and he is hitting ignore.... it does not ring at all.

i hope he is ok

i went to my party that jean and gene threw for me and rich today, it was a nice party, i helped out which kept my mind off of matters at hand

i had a nice talk with sally too, it is great that we can connect

the party was fun and friendly, the music was great and josh got to play too.

rich seemed to have a really nice time too which was great.

a few people gave me gifts and cards which i did not expect at all so that was an added bonus. it is so nice to be remembered, it is really tough when you dont have a significant other who remembers your b-day and treats you special for that day.... mine is non existant today.... i hope to god he is alright.

so thank you jean and gene for the party, it was great and i loved it.

josh had fun too.

bubbling emotions

patience patience patience
i think it is more my imagination and need to be in control of a situation.... that takes over more than the lack of patience
today is my party at jeans, actually it is jeans party and i am on the cake
my date is nonexistent
i know he probably did not get a sitter because he would have told me that he did
but still a call would be nice.
today we have immediate vm and the office phone which is usually switched to his cell is not switched so it just rings and rings cause no one is in the office to answer it
he could have lost his phone again... it has happened 3 times before so it is not unlikely that he lost it
or the battery is dead
or he is dead or in the hospital.... but if that were the case it would probably go to vm
i love the csi way that i figure this shit out
anyway
the one friend i invited to this party i dont think is going to come, yeah i am talking about you patrick

i want something to do, to keep my mind busy
i went thru a bunch of paperwork downstairs, not all of it but alot
i got gas, saved 80 cents per gallon, that means i paid under $3 a gallon!!! whooo hooo!
i cut the lettuce for the ceasar salad but i really cant make it until it is time cause it gets soggy
i went to target to waste time but i was only in there for about 15 minutes
i am going to go to jeans at 1 to help put out the tables etc and then i will come back over the river for josh and bring him to the party for 3
i dont know how i am feeling right now
i am sad because it is my birthday weekend and i am alone
i have cried a little bit twice today
when he emailed me a month ago and told me it would be his honor to be my date at this party and he would make sure he got a sitter, i believed him..... maybe that was my first mistake.

i am angry that he has not called and if he lost his phone and my number he could email me and tell me this.
my luck he is at the lake the battery is dead and he is planning on being out there all afternoon so he wont go back to charge it or get another battery and i will end up going the whole day without hearing from him.
which in the grand scheme of things is not the end of the world but dammit why cant i ever get what i want
do i have a black cloud over my head
do i have a neon sign that says 'skip this one'
should i start calling myself eeyore?

i just dont get it.

learning patience

so if i change my name to patience maybe it will help me... but i might not answer when people call for me

i have been up since 6:30 i got dressed and walked to price chopper to buy the stuff i need to make the two dishes for today and tomorrows parties.
i loaded the dishwasher and now i think i will take my shower

i have NOTHING going on until i get josh around 2:30 for the party
NOTHING
maybe i will go thru my mail
i tried calling the realtor but went right to vm so i just hung up, he already has a vm from last night and i think when it goes right to vm it is probably dead or off.
i will try again later, i am sure i will get vm then

i know he is worth the wait but i just wish i could talk to him more during the days that i dont see him, i am going to tell him this today when i talk to him
i think if i spoke to him longer than 5 minutes each day or even 5 minutes in the morning and 5 in the evening would be fine.
i just wish i could spend more time WITH him but i know that is not the case and it wont be for a while, that is where the patience comes in.
------
so i am done with my shower.... now what
it is really not that bad, i have things that could keep me busy and that need to be done...and i am sure i will do some of them today

i think my biggest issues are these
1 how hard is it to remember to call me back
2 he might just be depressed about everything else and not feel like calling me back
3 if you dont feel like calling back the one good thing in your life... what does that say about the good thing
4 i sometimes wonder if he screens my calls, i hope not

i will reiterate i have no doubt that he is only seeing me, i just wish i could play a bigger part in his world than i do

off to paperwork that needs to be sorted.... i hate that job

all around the world, huh? who knew!

ok so cause i have no life i am writing AGAIN today
maybe i wont write in the morning.... ha! yeah i will

anyway, i was looking at my site counter information that i have and it seems that people have read my blog from the us, uk, italy, romania and canada
in the us i have states like washington, cali, oregon, mass, ny and ct
in ct i have several towns mainly in the center of the state

i would love to hear from anyone who reads regularly
i know my 6 or 7 people who read this like it is their guilty pleasure... you know who i am talking about :)
but i would love to know anyone else who either thinks i am crazy or hilarious or just a hopeless soul.... or any other interesting adjectives.... that is the right word.... adjectives?? i suck at grammar.... and spelling.... and punctuation.... and capitalization....
anyway, it is pretty cool to know that people are reading this and some of them come back more than once. i sit here and write my little heart out, it is the way i purge feelings and share with (whoever is listening) what is going on in my crazy little life here in windsor ct.

so please comment if you can, if you click on comments at the bottom of the post it should talk you thru getting a sign on if you dont already have one.

so today i got to spend some time with laurel, she always grounds me, snaps me out of it when i am in a funk. i like to talk to her about josh too because she raised two boys so she knows my pain. we ate at vito's by the water in town, it was GREAT.
i had a nice chat with sally too, i am so glad we have become so close these last few years. i am glad to be in her life and i am glad she is in mine.
while i was talking to sally i made a decision that i was going to ceremonially burn the love letter that mother fucker douche bag pete gave me for valentines day.... you remember the one i had framed and then when he dumped me i had to take it down because it made me cry.
now i know he meant every word he said in the letter at the time BUT when i found out that he cheated on me (which is only speculation but i believe it to be true) i decided i needed to get rid of it... and what better way than burning it!! who doesn't love a fire!!!
before burning it i printed the 3 pics i have of the realtor (you know any minute i am going to start calling him by his name on the blog, i mean he has lasted longer than any of the rest of them have.... 5 weeks and counting, i cant really remember how much time i wasted on eeyore, but he was the one that came the closest....)
anyway i printed the 3 pics i have of him and put them in the frame that the letter was in and hung it up.... looks nice.
then i read the letter one more time.... it was GREAT to read it and not cry
then i folded it up and put it in a sauce pan cause i have nothing else that is not flammable that i could move toward the open window so that the smoke alarm would not go off and i lit it and watched it burn. i thought it might be a bit odd to the neybas if i did it out on the sidewalk or my deck....
it was odd, when it was done, there were large sections of the paper that remained whole and you could still see the words but when you blew at them, they just disintegrated. symbolic i think.

i will be so glad when this weekend is over
i know he wont be able to get a sitter because he has not told me he did
i spoke to him for about 8 minutes earlier today and asked him to please call me later and he did not, but i am sure it is because he was too busy and then fell asleep cause that is how he rolls
i will go to the party with josh tomorrow and if i cant see the realtor i will have josh sleep at home tomorrow so i am not so lonely.
susans picnic on monday.... the big b-day.... ugh!
i hate all the excess time on my hands.... i cant bring myself to organize anything or make jewelry or do anything productive really.
i function better with a schedule.
ok i took a pill and i dont feel sleepy at all, dammit.
it is 11 and this is actually early for me lately..... but i am going to try to go to sleep now.
wish me luck.

oh and i went tanning today and i was lying in a different position and my underarms are burned.... OOOWWWW
yea, i am a dumbass.... live and learn.... and then get luvs :)

more thoughts

so i am going to talk to my counselor about this problem that i have
i talked to laurel about it a bit today
i am not sure why i get so freaked out when i dont hear from people that i usually hear from each day
i dont know what i would do if i did find out that something happened to the person
i think it is more that i want to know that nothing happened to the person
i think if something did happen i would really really freak out.

he called
i am better
i really need to do something about this problem i have

again

so i called all the million times i called
and i sent an email too in case he is in the office he will see it
that is all i can do
like i said, i have no worries about the relationship
i am worried that something happened to him
i know i am a freak like that but hell..... what can i do about it
that is how i roll

so i called laurel to see if she needs help sorting and packing to keep my mind off of it
josh is getting fitted for his suit for cathy's wedding today

i am debating trying on the dress and see if it needs to be altered at all. it is a bit big but if it does not look big then i will be ok

so i am off again, to keep busy and try to keep sane
grammy gave me money for my b-day, maybe i will go out and get myself something

worried

ok now i am fine
i know i will see him when i see him
it is weird the way the feelings come over me
it is weird the way i am worse right after i have seen him.... but then i just fall back into the normal every day thing
i have not heard from him since yesterday morning, it was a great conversation so i have no worries at all about us
but i worry cause i think people are dead or hurt when i dont hear from them
i called again this morning but got vm, but it went to 3 rings today which is good, that is normal for his phone, not like that weird 2 ring thing yesterday.... who knows what that was all about.
so i leave in a few minutes to get josh and grammy,she wants to go to the bank while he is at his lesson
i got my hair done today and wil asked to take a picture of it, makes me happy that he likes his work that much to capture it.... :)
if i did not have such a frumpy face i would post a pic here, cause the cut is really good, but the circles under my eyes make me look 43!!!! argh!!!

after i am done with mom and josh if i have not heard from the realtor yet i will contact laurel and help her do some sorting and cleaning out for a while. it will keep me busy and keep my mind of the fact that he has not called.
like i said, i have no worries about how he feels about me, i am worried something is wrong.
i have always been like this, ask jean, she will tell you how when i dont hear from her i have to find out if she is ok.

i think i would be crushed if something happened to him, first because i would never know, he says that 'they' would call me cause i am in his phone.... i dont know who 'they' are, and he probably has a million people in his phone.
and second because this is so great so far, i just want it to grow and continue..... so i worry all the time that something is going to screw it up.

so i will get ready to go and i hope that he calls soon so i can rest easy.

coming off the high

it really is the following 24 hours that bum me out the most, i am already getting over it
it is the high of being with him and everything that goes with it
then the crash of not hearing from him or not knowing when i will see him again
if it were during the week i probably would not feel this way, but it is the beginning of a long weekend, possibly without him the whole 3 days
and my freaking birthday on top of it

it is all still so new and i want to have it continue and it gets put on hold.
but the time spent was wonderful and i just know he is happy with me, and i am happy with him.

now if i could just see him once a week i would be thrilled!!!
every two weeks sucks the big one!!!

so i just finished 4 loads of laundry, with a break in between washer and dryer with patrick at chilis, feeling in a low spot so i had a dessert that i should not have had
will have to not eat tomorrow to make up for it!!

not sleepy at all
will have to take another pill dammit.

bummed about the birthday

my son is playing his bass in the other room
actually he is repeatedly playing the same note in some sort of annoying pattern and i am about to scream
ok now he is playing a real song
it's better now

i had a weird day at work, month end, nancy's first month end so i am doing alot of the work as well
i am glad for the three day weekend

my day started badly fighting with josh about him not respecting what i have to say with authority
i was about to walk out the door and the realtor called
he called to thank me for the cd again and for coming over and for being so nice to him
he was sooooo happy, he had not even listened to it yet at that point.
it really started my day off well.

i have to work on my self esteem or my moods or something because i started my day out so great and now i am sad because i am back to not knowing when i will see him again... i know i can survive and actually the first few days are the worst because i get used to hearing his voice and seeing his face and holding his hand and i am pissed cause i cant do those things and i have to wait for a phone call.
but after a few days i get used to it again. like i have said many times before .... i really think he is worth the wait.
we talk every day and we are definitely only seeing each other and i know he is really into me and you know how i feel about him.... so i just have to get out of the mind set that we have the kind of relationship where we can see each other every day.... i mean with everyone except zeke and scott, i never saw anyone everyday.

i am a bit depressed about my birthday this year for some reason, i am not sure why because i usually am not depressed about my birthday.
not sure if it is because of where i am in life, wishing i made more money or lived in a bigger place. i love my job and where it is, but i know i will never make the money i need to make to pay all my bills and live the way we want to live.
josh argues with me all the time now, and i know it is because of his age, but it hurts my feelings when he does not respect me and shuts me out.
tonight i am writing this and he is playing his instruments and then we will do some housework together (so i dont have to do it all alone) and then i will bring him to grammy's for the night.
i have a hair apt at 8am and then he has a lesson and then that is it. i told laurel that if i get the word from the realtor that i wont be able to see him tomorrow then i will help her with her weeding out of her apartment getting ready for her move to hartford.
i think how cool it would be to live where she is living but for josh and i to live there it would cost over $2000 a month and he would no longer be in the windsor school system. not worth it at all and i cant afford it anyway. but how cool would it be??!!

i am overwhelmed with school information this week and scouts starts next week and church starts next week. pretty soon i wont have time to breath, that will help with not being able to see the realtor.
i called him but i just have a feeling i wont hear from him tonight. i just can tell by the two rings then vm, i dont know what that means. right to vm is he is on the nextel or it is dead or off. three rings he will get the missed call. two , i have no idea, so i left a vm just in case.
but i just have a feeling i wont hear from him for some reason, and i am usually right. it is 6 and by now he would be at dinner with his daughter and then home and then sleep.
i know him pretty well.

i am bummed because i dont think he will get a sitter for the party sunday. that depresses me too because i would love for him to be there, and to meet jean and everyone else.... and to spend that time with him.
when i am with him i feel like i am eating some decadent dessert or enjoying some lavish show and i am trying to savor every bite and every moment. it is wonderful when we are together and when we are not, i am lonely and sad and miss him..... but i know he misses me too.

sleep... what is that?

actually i did get some sleep last night from about 1:30 till almost 6

so he did call me at around 8pm and i went over till 12:30
we had another great conversation and some alone time, much needed after 2 weeks
god i hope it is not another 2 weeks now
the good part is that he missed me and told me that i was a 'rare find'
i know how he feels about me and it is just getting stronger and growing all the time

i did find out that the last girlfriend did not get to meet his daughter for 9 months.
wow
well, now that i know, i will stop trying so hard.
but that was probably 9 months of pretty steady parental visits from the mom
not like what we have been experiencing
so i guess i am more at ease about the daughter thing now that i know it will be months
i dont think he waits for it to get to the next level with us, i think he waits till it gets to several levels higher, he has his reasons and i respect that.

i am still bummed because it is most likely not going to happen for my party on sunday, in fact i am already prepared to not see him for another stretch of time.
it is so great when we are together, he kept saying he was so happy that he was able to take me to lunch yesterday and next time he will clean up and put on a suit for me. i told him that was not necessary at all. i like the person inside the clothes, and it did not matter how he was dressed.

i wrote him a short email last night and i will probably leave that for the morning mail he will see when he gets in. i hope to talk to him on lunch and see what is up with him for later on.
this relationship is growing and i am very happy.
even though i live here alone with josh, i no longer feel alone in this world, i really do feel like i have a man in my life, one who really does care about me.

finally, huh? :)

tired

the realtor called me today and asked to take me to lunch
it was wonderful
i got to spend an hour with him and i got to talk to him, which is so freaking important... we got to talk about what has been going on and stuff coming up
he made me feel really secure in our relationship
told me i was pretty and i was a keeper
it was so great to be with him
it was really nice to be able to kiss him too... i miss that alot when we are not together
there was a possibility that he might be free tonight but since it is almost 7 i dont think it is going to happen tonight. soon i hope.
well i colored my hair, thank god, it was getting bad
my hair grows so freaking fast.... which makes the roots need touch ups fast too.
so the cd i made for the realtor last night i am going to keep for myself cause they are all songs that i like
i will make a new one for him
maybe tonight
i have to do laundry so bad but i dont feel like starting it
my house is a shambles as well, but i just dont feel like dealing with it all

wait

had a really nice talk with sally
i am so glad that she is in my life
and i am in hers too!

she reminded me, as i so easily forget
that i HAVE patience.... i have had it for years
what i put up with in my marriage and thru the divorce
it took alot of patience to deal with all of that.... and if i have dealt with all of that...
with everything i had to deal with from when i left scott
thru the divorce
thru the hysterectomy
thru selling MY house and moving
thru DCF
thru scott passing away.....
if i dealt with all of that
i certainly can wait a while to see where this goes with the realtor
because in the end, even though he might come with a bit of baggage, i have a really good feeling it will be worth the wait.

no grouchy today

i think i will just put my mood in the title box from now on....
i have been sleeping for shit these days
not sure why
but i am liking the routine again.
the cello has to go to school every other day, which to me means it will be there all week and he will have to practice on weekends... yeah right, that will happen! ha!
and if he makes the stage band then i think they practice twice a week so that one could come home more often. but i cant be driving him and picking him up every other day.... freakin cello.... why couldnt he play the violin???? oh yeah, cuz i hate the sound of a violin.....

so i really want to put things back on the realtor, just to see how really interested in me he is.
but that would mean me not calling or writing for a few days to see if he notices i am gone....
well i did not call again last night and he did not call
my email to him will be short and sweet, missed talking to you yesterday, hope you are well, i am changing my name from amy to patience.... how is that workin out for me??? ha!

i know how busy people work and i know how he works, he got my vm early in the day and probably was too busy to call and he got my missed call at 5. i am not going to be a pest and call again in the same day. my thought was that he either was doing last day of summer vacation stuff with his daughter or he was meeting with or dealing with the new kid problem... if he wanted to call me or could call me he probably would have.

like i said yesterday, i am prepared for any day now a call telling me he just does not have the time to give to a girlfriend and we should not be dating.
at least i am prepared for it.
ha! that is funny... i am prepared to hear the words, i am not prepared for the actions of the words.
from the first date with him it was just so comfortable, easy, similar personalities, attraction on both parts, the next day when he called me 3 times and then invited me over was fantastic, his daughter came back that day and since then she spent the night at her mothers once and a friends once and he called me to come be with him both times. he wanted to be with me.
when ever i call he always calls back... at some point i guess.
this all seemed so great at first, he would have about every 4th or 5th day off and we could see each other then, he could get a sitter for my party.... everything is just falling apart around me. i do want a boyfriend i can see all the time....but i dont have that.
maybe this will turn into that but i have no idea how long i have to wait until he lets me.
and will it be worth it when he finally does?
or will this infant age him and distance him from me even more?

patrick says the right guy for me will follow me around like a puppy.... not sure that i want that but to fall along the wayside because of too much other drama in their lives is not the route i wanted to take.

grouchy

i am grouchy
must be the bad dreams and the demanding kid and the professor still trying to date me and the guy i want to date ... well i am dating.... can never see me and his world is turned upside down

i took a pill, i am hoping it helps
if not, i have about 15 bottles of wine in this apartment with my name all over them

i had a fairly productive day at work, did alot in the office before i had to go, accomplished what i needed at court, came back to the office to wrap up loose ends
went grocery shopping for my mom and got a few things for us
dealt with a sick grouchy kid via text msgs only
got some sweet advice on how to make the professor go away

my dilemma in my head is that if i tell him to go away completely then if it does not work out with the realtor then i will have no one who likes me and i will have to start all over
but when i think back i was not impressed with the relationship that the professor wanted to have with me and i like the realtor SO MUCH BETTER as a boyfriend, or just a friend really, he is a cooler person, better personality, .... just unavailable apparently.

so jean says to say .....
I do not think we should see each other any more. I am looking for a full time boyfriend,you knew that.. not just a date here and there. Going out with you only confuses the issue...I had fun the times we were together , but i need more. I did enjoy meeting you.
Thanks ,
bye

(my favorite part is the thanks bye!)

and patrick says to say....
dear professor
you're a douche. i learned patience and offered you everything but you still shit on me. i found someone else when you got too busy.
go away
amy

(i like the douche part!! and the go away)

so if i pick from both i think i have a winner, i just wish i could write it to him instead of tell him... or his voicemail.
so today i choose to do nothing.

the part that jean wrote about me wanting a full time boyfriend gets me though, because i dont have one now either.......
i called the realtor today at around 12:30 while i was waiting for court but i got his vm left a msg... no return call.
i called when i got back into CT and got immediate vm so i hung up
then i called at 5:15 and got real vm but still hung up.
he has the msg from before and he has the missed calls
i am done
he is probably getting his daughter ready for the first day of school tomorrow or meeting with the ex who entrapped him with an infant at age 47.

i have this sinking feeling every day that he is going to call me and tell me that he really does not have time for a girlfriend in his life right now and we should stop seeing each other, to which i will say, i am sorry what do you look like again?
only joking... it would pretty much crush me... again....because i never can understand why god lets me meet these people who i think are so great for me ...and me for them and it does not work out happy ever after... dammit.
maybe this is some giant patience lesson for me.
i mean i am in no hurry at all. i have a life to lead and friends who care.... i just see couples and i get sad because i want to be part of one.... and i am part of one, but i cant ever see him
maybe i am in his life to help him thru this crazy stuff.
i am thinking that within 2 weeks time things will either get better or worse. either the daughter goes to the mom's and we have time together, or she goes and he chooses not to call me, or he cuts me loose.
i keep thinking of when i met him and actually every day up until sunday when he found out about the infant in his life.
well, as usual, we had a good talk yesterday and i have no reason to think anything different... so i am going to go downstairs and eat and maybe drink and rest and maybe nap and live my life....

alone.

dreams

i had horrible dreams again last night
just got up and wanted to write before i forget them
i was being chased or in a hurry or on a race of some sort
i was at the beach for part of it and my car got out on the sand and i was in a hurry and kept getting stuck... that was at the end of the sleep but there were more chases earlier in the night... but i cant remember what they were.... all i know is i am NOT rested and feel crappy and very tired.
first day of school jitters for ME? ha!

maybe it is more like i am chasing this rainbow (that is the realtor) and i can never catch him! ha!
but i will..... it is a matter of time before she goes to her mom's :)

i stayed up late to see the news to see if the scouts were on it for colin's eagle project and i could not get to sleep for along time, i tossed and turned
i feel like crap today
i have to work and go to court in westboro and then to the worcester office.... argh
i feel like shit
i hope i feel better after my shower
----
i do feel a little better, i was really groggy from the dreams but i wanted to write about it before i forgot
by the way colin's eagle project was not on the 11:00 news.... double argh

maybe it is a rainbow that i am chasing.... i cant understand why it is that i met such a great guy who has an impossible custody schedule.... i believe things happen for a reason.... still trying to figure this one out
i do know that when we are together we are both really happy.... maybe that is it.... simply happiness.
and teaching me patience
because if i can wait, and be patient
in the end it will be wonderful

who knows!

sleepy

new sneakers for school... for both of us :)
good talk with the realtor, told him i was afraid of losing him to the ex
he reassured me that this was pretty much not an option because he was so pissed
i hope so
i like to think we have a good basis of a relationship so far... been 1 month today
looking forward to seeing him again
not holding my breath for my party or the wedding... it is not looking good for specific dates.
i will take any time i can get at this point, cant be picky

school starts soon

its a new day
a day that i have in front of me to do with what i will
a day that i can make great or miserable
i choose to make it great... or as great as it can be going to work and running errands

today is the last day of summer vacation
there are papers in this house that came from sage park that i am sure i am supposed to send back with him tomorrow but i need to find them
i have no idea if he has all the supplies he needs
today he has to be ready to help colin with his eagle project, a very cool sculpture that colin designed and welded himself honoring Windsor's educators.
then he has a 1 hour bass lesson with gene at his house so i dont get to take my regular lunch again
then he has the ortho and i have to pay on the account... ugh
and then i am giving blood at st Gabe's at 6pm
in between all that i have to work and get ready to go to court tomorrow in westboro
and hope to make contact with the realtor at some point too.
when i called back last night there was no answer.... probably sleeping

you know i trust people for face value and i hope that i am right in doing so
he tells me he falls asleep early and i hope that is true and not that he is avoiding my call.
this new development in his life really has nothing to do with me but i worry for his mental state of mind, he was quite depressed already with the loss of his mom, i hope that this is just a hurdle to get over and get used to, rather than something that will effect his whole life and make him depressed even more.

i will just continue to be me
that is all i can do
i will be supportive and there for him

and pray

prayer

i have prayed a few times today
i pray for patience and i pray for the strength to get thru each day
and i prayed for the realtor in this situation

i am going to call him in a minute and i am already prepared for vm and i am prepared for him to not call me back for 2 days.

if i had this situation thrown at me i would feel the same way

the shower is over and i am so happy
it went off without a hitch and everyone ate and had a good time
i am glad i could do this for my sister and susan was fine thru the whole thing
mom is forgetting lots of little stuff these days
i dont know if we should be worried or not yet
she does not forget who she is or anything like that
she forgets details about events that are coming up
little things
i will keep my eyes open about this

so before i call i will say another little prayer
don tells me to pray for what you want not what you need
and believe in what you are praying for

i do
i do

shower

finally the day of the shower and i cant wait for it to be over
i hope i have enough food
i hope i dont have too much food
i hope i dont get into a fight with my sister
hope i can figure out how to keep the crock pots plugged in... probably not though.

more importantly, the realtor
he spent all yesterday cutting lawns etc. when he called me around 5 he said he was going to get his daughter she was at her friends for an hour while he showered
i said one hour, why not ask for two?
he laughed and said he cant do that
i said you dont want to do it
he said no it was not that he does not want to do it he just does not want to impose
said he would call me back after he was done at his buddy's and then getting her but he never called again
i tried and left no msg and then called after 8 and left a msg saying i hope he sleeps well and if he had called me when he dropped her off i could have been there by the time he was done with his shower and we could have spent a little time with each other
(and she lives there, she knows he takes showers, why did she have to be dropped at a friends for an hour?)

i dont get it
seriously i do not think he is seeing anyone else
and i dont think he has any options to watch his daughter unless it drops in his lap
but i wonder how much he really wants to be seeing me at all
last week was great, it was fun, he told me he took his profile down and he was so grateful that i came down to spend time with him
now i just feel like a bother to him
i seriously dont get it

patrick said yesterday maybe he is distancing himself .... basically to get rid of me because he does not have time for me
i truly hope that is not true.

so now i am stuck waiting again and i hate waiting for a call.
if i dont hear from him by 9 i will call again....
this sucks for me because he is such a great guy and i can never see him or talk to him for more than 10 minutes on the phone.
again i ask my self why would god let me meet someone who seems so great to me,and make the situation so confusing like this.
maybe it is a lesson in patience, well if it is, it is not working too well so far.

cooking day

well it is 8am and i am sitting here at the computer
i had a good time last night but i would much rather have been with the realtor during it all
it was great to hear russ play again and the band was good too
this morning i am going to hartford with laurel to see the layout of her new apartment so she can take measurements for purchasing new furniture
then back home to start my cooking
if the realtor calls me at all to come see him i will drop what i am doing and go
thats how i roll
i can always cook pasta later.
the cooking time should not be too bad, as long as i have a big enough pot i can probably cook all the pasta in a few hours
the sauces should not take too long to get organized as well
i will be SO glad when tomorrow is over.
it seems my neyba has a clock radio or something that went on around 7 am, i turned my air conditioner on to drown it out but i will have to talk to him about it, i dont think the kids are there this weekend so it probably went off on its own
no headache or hangover today, only 3 glasses of wine and alot of water, that is the way to do it.
i am off to get dressed and do my hair
wish me luck that i get to see him today.... i need all the good luck i can get with this one.

another day

another day without the realtor
this is really sucking for me
tonight is russ' band in simsbury, i am going to go anyway, but i would have much rather had him with me
i would much rather be able to tell him a date and have him get a sitter
i would much rather have the facts that were told to me when i met him, that he has his daughter about every 4 days and then a couple days off... i would much rather have that information be true

i wrote the other day that maybe this is just a GIANT test of my patience (which we all know i have very little of)
maybe in the end this will be a fantastic relationship, after all the waiting.
even if i were allowed to be around his daughter, well it would be a bit better because we could go to dinner and then when she went to bed we could have time to talk.
but i am not even that far
and i dont know how long this will take

the patience of Job..... that is what my mother in law used to say about me when i was married to scott.
i never understood that because i have no patience for anything at all. i hate to wait for anything, i hate to wait in line, i hate to wait for a return phone call or email.

maybe this really is a test of my patience.
looking at the end results, he is a really great guy and i love being around him. this could be a great relationship.... it is just those end results are so far away.... they are blurry on the horizon and i cant make them out.... they could be good or bad from this distance..... maybe the waiting will help them be good results, maybe rushing things will steer them toward being bad results.
i dont know
i dont have the answers.

basically i have been alone all summer long, so what is a few more weeks.
and i have a guy who really likes me who talks to me each day
i guess i have to think more like it is a long distance relationship, like he is in another state, cause that is the part that kills me.... i could be there in 15 minutes if he called me.
so if i think that he is an hour away.... no i would still drive an hour.... if i think he is in the upper part of vermont.... then i might be able to handle this better.

but why do i need to handle things at all, why cant i accept and adjust and wait.
because i am impatient.... that is why.

the shower is getting closer and i have to pick up the last few things, and i start to cook tomorrow. i cant wait for it all to be over with.

and deep down i am sick to my stomach thinking that the realtor wont be able to get a sitter for the party and the wedding even though he has had a months notice for both.

i am getting bitter about not being able to be with this great guy
i dont want to be bitter
or sad or angry
but i feel that i am

why do i meet someone who is such a great "match"
and not be able to ever see him.... this sucks

sad

ok this is going to take alot of getting used to
this man is a great match for me
i enjoy his company so much
our personalities are similar, we want the same things from a relationship
he is sweet and kind and a great father
i am attracted to him

BUT
he is very busy and he ALWAYS has his daughter.
i met him about a month ago and the mother has had her for 3 of those days/nights
the other two times i saw him, she was at a friends house.
this is killing me
i want to be with him so bad and i CANT
i know he wants to be with me too
but he CANT

i have no control over this situation
none whatsoever
that part is killing me too, cause when i want to have something happen, i can usually make it happen....
not this time....

maybe this is a lesson in self control
maybe this is helping me get to know myself.... the whole journey that i started in april
maybe because slow and steady wins the race (as i have been taught) means that this will turn out to be more wonderful than anything i thought it could be.

i am most saddened because i probably cant see him friday like i wanted to
and i will be really up set if i dont get to see him on my birthday because i gave him months notice... and my sisters wedding too... that will suck if i dont get to be with him then either.

i am getting my act together for the shower, susan has picked up all the decorations and paper goods
i will get the rest of the food and cook on saturday and sunday
it will all come together

going to see kim tomorrow night.... i blew her off last week to go to the beach with the realtor
so i owe her dinner tomorrow night....

all i know is that i am sad that i finally found a guy i am excited about and i cant ever see him....

another day
work
ugh!
i liked vacation better.

still bummed about not seeing the realtor
still sleepy
a bit grouchy but i hope that passes soon

today is payday, thank god, have to pay bills and buy stuff for the shower.
doing the flowers with cathy tonight after work
josh wants to play mini golf too for a benefit that we bought tickets for last night
how will i get it all done????

bummed

a bit bummed
the realtor told me that is does not look good for this friday
i completely respect him as a father, a single parent, he has been doing it like this for a long time.
so i cant push things too much
i know he wants to be with me too but he is kinda stuck without a sitter and without any relatives to send her to.
he said that during the school year the mom takes her more, but .... who knows at this point.

so i will go to the gig friday on my own.
there will be people i know there like jean and gene
but i really wanted to go with the realtor

this situation is making me sad....
like i said i respect him as a parent but i kinda hoped he would go out of his way to find someone to watch her or make the mom do it.

i guess that is the burden i have to deal with if i want to be with him

the professor texted and called again.... asked me to dinner or golf, told him i had plans
said he would call next week... i will have to deal with it then

i am really bummed about friday.... makes me think he might not be able to make it to my party or the wedding either.... that would totally suck.

heard from sally today, just checking in... i miss seeing her, it was great to spend time visiting, we always have such a good time.

good place... bad place

i am in a good place as far as the realtor is concerned... i am getting used to reminding myself that there are no problems, the last contact was a great one, and sometimes people get busy, and sometimes they get tired and fall asleep.... shit happens.
he has the dates of the 3 times i really want to go out with him,... this friday, my party at jean's and my sisters wedding.... we shall see if he can make them happen.......

thank you jenny for all your comments and questions, i really appreciate you indulging in your guilty pleasure that is my crazy mixed up life :)

so had good emails with the realtor today.... i am in a good place with him

talked to ryan about that mother fucker pete, i just cant believe it all still.... i think i am going to have a ceremonial burning of his valentines letter he wrote me.... i cant help but feel i was lied to and taken advantage of.... makes me very leery for the future.....

and the freakin professor wont leave me alone.... damn
i am trying to break up with him without having a relationship to break up
it is very hard.
he just keeps calling.
that is because he KNOWS i was a good thing and he lost me.

i hope that the realtor KNOWS i am a good thing too..... i think so at least
i hope so :)

josh spent another night at my mom's and i am alone again... this time it was not that bad
i made my honorary brownies, only to lick the bowl and give the brownies away
finally did the dishes and watched tv.... not much else but that is ok i guess

i am trying to plan cathy's shower and i am about to pull my hair out.... it will all come together... i have learned from the best.... jean, parties under pressure (or in my case parties in a panic)
susan will help pick up some stuff and i will spend all saturday cooking pasta and putting it in plastic bags to reheat the next day
i am not worried, yes i am really, no i will be fine..... eek!

i need more sleep!

i just woke up from the last two hours of bad dreams... filled with first day of school horrors,first day back to work horrors, running, chasing, being chased, wrong turns, car breaking down, josh hanging out with kids cause he thought they liked him but really they only did because there was no one better around and they get into trouble at the drop of a hat.

i had to write this now while i remembered it all.... it was a very un-restful night of sleep.... fucking pete... i am sure he is the reason....

i sent a nice email to the realtor explaining my bad mood yesterday... and i felt better about it after i sent it to him last night.

off to the showers to get ready to go back to work... i feel like shit, i am sure my eyes are puffy as hell and i am not in the mood for work at all.... dont feel like training the new girl, dont feel like dealing with the crapola that work has to offer... but i gotta pay the bills.....
-----
ok i am writing again this morning cause i still have time before i go to work... where i do not want to be going.... do you see a pattern here?

i know that i have to forget about this pete thing.... they are beneath me and i dont have to worry about any of it anymore....
it still bothers me for two reasons
1) it does not pay to be a decent person and wish someone well
2) you can get cheated on at any time and never even know it, especially if you dont live with the person.... and it just makes me sad to not be enough for a man that i am with.... not meaning pete..... i mean the realtor.... i hope that i can be enough to keep him happy.... and that he can keep me happy as well.

and i have to adjust to not being able to see the realtor but keep a relationship going in between the dates.
we have had some good conversations lately, longer than 4 minutes and that is always good.
i know that he reads my emails because when we talk about stuff that was in them he acknowledges that he knows what i am talking about.
he has a busy day today and probably wont respond to my emails today.... but i hope to talk to him later tonight at least.
i do have to email him the dates of the party and wedding so that he can mark it on his calendar... i will wait to see if he replies to me.... so i dont seem like a pain in the ass.
i know i can be one.... often....

what the hell!

went to sherry's for the picnic, did 4 loads of laundry, did mom's shopping, and found out that mother fucker pete cheated on me.
i texted him this morning to say that i was hoping he was happy now.... and his girlfriend/fiance calls me back within 3 seconds to tell me to loose his number... then he calls tonight around 9:30 to tell me he would appreciate it if i would not call him anymore... i did not call him, i sent him a few words wishing him well in a text.... see how it does not pay to be a decent human being..... fuck him.... and her.....

now i am all worried that i will not be enough for the realtor and he might cheat on me too....ugh!

thoughts

i hate not being able to see him
it sucks
but that is life... for now at least

went to see the stingrays in enfield, it was fun,
thanks gene for playing little wing for me :)

i am so lucky to have my friends, if it weren't for jean and patrick and all the rest, i would just be sitting around waiting for a call.... and that would suck!
tomorrow we go to sherry's for the kids party, got the gift cards today, i have like $50 left in my bank account.... i hope i dont need gas or food between now and wednesday.... this is the social security week so it will put extra in the account.... need to try to stick to a budget.... all this driving is killing me... and i should not have taken $70 in wine instead of cash when i went to the cape,...but on the bright side i will be ALL SET with wine for a while. :)

had two beers tonight, i thought i might not drink ever again after the other night, but i am fine and two beers was fine as well.

i told the realtor, (by the way, at any moment i feel that i will no longer call him by his profession but by his name) that i mailed him something i wrote, he sounded happy about it. i think he will like the poem i wrote.... i hope so at least.
cant wait to see him again... i have no idea when that will be.... i have a bag packed and ready to toss into the car at a moments notice whenever that might be.... ;)
i hope to get lots of sleep again tonight.... it is only 11 and that is possible, except the neybas just came home and they are making alot of noise.... grrr....

pic of the beach

this was my day at the beach, i know you cant see the water but i took the pic because of the sun shining on the sea grass in the wind... it was the cape to me.... not 100 feet away is where josh first played in the sand, at first encounter beach.

i cant wait to go pic him up... i miss him....

i forgot....

oh i forgot to mention
i invited him to my sisters wedding.
we shall see if he can get a sitter but i would love it
and it took alot for me to ask him that question.....
and he took his match profile down.... over a week ago!!
i knew cause i was trying to show sally what he looks like and i could not find it
but it meant alot for him to tell me he did that.

comfort

a new day
a day that seems different to me
because i know that i have a boyfriend who cares about me
a day that is calm because i am no longer hung over from thursday night, thank god
a day that i am in control of
i wrote him a poem, cause that's how i roll, and mailed it last night, he probably wont get it till monday but i think he will like it when he gets it.
i hope so at least
i have another busy day, hartford with laurel at 9, maybe breakfast, then leave for josh in r.i. at noon to get him at one and then when we are back, unpack and start laundry, get josh showered and then dinner with mom for her b-day at 4 with cathy. oh and i have to call sally somewhere in there too!
after that i am free, josh will probably stay with grammy tonight and the realtor will probably be unpacking for two days and i am sure he will have his daughter as well.
i may go to the hazard grill with jean to see the band, that is a fun thing to do and not a late night.
this has been a great vacation!
i needed it, in many ways.
i needed the time off from everything, including being a mom
i needed the reassurance i got from the realtor
i needed the ocean
i hope that i can carry this peace with me for a while... it is comforting to have this feeling

ahhh again....

i cant even describe how at peace i am
to make a very long long story short
i had a wonderful vacation with sally
came home and got to spend time with the realtor at his vacation spot
i feel so secure with this relationship so far
he has taken his profile down (over a week ago :) and i am thrilled about that
we had a great 18 hours or so.... just wonderful
i am exhausted
tomorrow josh comes home, it is mom's b-day, i have to do laundry,
i need a nap

aahhh

to sit here and honestly be peaceful in my heart is an amazing thing.
it is crazy the way that my heart can make me so uneasy and on edge.
it is also odd to see that for me to be at ease that i need to have this person in my life
but that is me
like i always say
i dont need a man in my life
i WANT a man in my life
this will still be not an easy relationship because of the lack of time that i can spend with him
but it is so worth it so far
got an early morning call just to say hi
and i loved it
i am off to the beach for a while and later sally and i are going to a play
this has been very relaxing....

love it here

i need to live here
i love it here
i love sally and spending time with her
i met with kevin and sharyn and it was a great time
staying till thursday
thank you patrick for getting my mail.... you are the best!!
had another great conversation with the realtor... and i am just loving the way it is going

i saw the water today, it makes me so peaceful
i wish i could see that out my door everyday

enjoying my real vacation with out any appendages.

aaahh cape cod

it is so weird.... i dont even need to be anywhere near the water and i can smell the difference.... i know i am at the cape.... it feels like home
it was a long long ride in the rain but i finally got here. had a great time visiting with sally so far and she is convincing me to stay another day :)
hoping to see sharyn tomorrow
had a great dinner... oysters... yum!
talked to the realtor.... it was a great talk... again.... yay!

waiting for the vet to open up

as soon as it is 8am i am going to call the vet to see if i can board fluffy for a few days
if they say yes, i will kick it into high gear and start getting ready and packing.
i dont see an issue with it, not like it is 4th of july or anything.
i will have them check her hips while she is there, she seems a bit more brittle and feeble these days.

feeling good about the realtor, will probably call him later on today.
after i get into mass i can talk on my cell phone.
cathy gave me the speed pass so i wont have to stop for tolls.
i love that thing!

i cant wait to see the water, i want to get to the beach at least once, even though it costs a million dollars in the summer, i dont care!

feeling good

ok so i think i actually have a boyfriend

i knew there was nothing wrong because our last conversation was great
and i was down about the fact that he never calls me first anymore... but maybe that was just a excited first week kinda thing.

i called this morning around 11 or 12 and it went immediately to vm so i did not leave a msg.
i called again when i got back from dropping josh off in r.i. and it was about 7pm
this time it rang for 3 times and i left a msg that i was thinking about him and i hoped he was having a wonderful vacation so far

he called back within 10 minutes and we talked. it was a great conversation... he talked about how he had a few moments thinking about his mom and had fun dancing on tables last night and how glad he was that i called him and it was nice to hear a friendly voice and and he thanked me for thinking of him and we flirted a bit too.
it was great. he joked about some woman hitting on him and i said 'no way you are mine' and he said 'ok!'
it was a great conversation and we laughed and he was glad i called and i am feeling elated about it.
tomorrow i go to the cape and stay with sally for few days..... going to call to board the dog in the morning and as soon as i get her there i will pack and get on the road. will be back in town wednesday hopefully before they close so i can avoid paying another day at the kennel.

looking forward to spending time with sally and getting to see sharyn and kevin and maybe caleb too !!
might get to the ocean too!

i need to see the water.

just had a nice evening with kelly and patrick.... thanks for inviting me along!!

morning thoughts

no the 3rd round wouldn't have helped anything but my sleep, but thanks anyway patrick.
today i wake after having weird dreams of someones wedding, not sure who.... was not my sisters, was not jean's but there were all the people that i know and have met this year at it.
a good portion of the dream was spent trying to find where i was supposed to sit
and who i was sitting with, where the person who was getting married decided to put me, since i did not have a date.
i dont know how that one turned out.
i also had a snippet of a dream with the realtor calling me and asking if he was able to do some rearranging, would i be able to come down to the shore to see him
that was obviously a dream sequence.... cause it sure as hell is not really going to happen :)

so i woke today looking out the window at the leopard spots of sunlight thru the trees on the shades in my room.... and i was thinking of a way for me to really just find the patience to live my life in general.
when i was married to an alcoholic, i lived with alanon in my life. and the way that i got thru each day was to say 'let go and let god'
this was the slogan i most related to. i had to just let go of the problems in my life and let god help me with them. he always protected me and josh. we always knew what to do at the right time.

i feel that with this situation, i have to let go and let god
i have to send my prayers up to him
and hope they are answered
i KNOW there is nothing wrong between the realtor and me, that last conversation was great.
so i have to just let it go and know that what is going to happen is going to happen
so every time i start to worry i have to stop myself and say 'let go and let god' and move on to what i was doing....

i really have no control over whether someone likes me or falls in love with me
i am just the person that i am, everyday, and if someone likes that .... then great .... and if they dont.... then oh well.
maybe it is right, maybe it is not right..... only TIME WILL TELL
and with time comes patience.... which i lack miserably
that is where the let go and let god comes it.
so each day i have to start my day with a little prayer or mantra and just stick with it all day
don tells me to believe in what you pray for and god will take care of you

god
give me the patience to get thru this one day
give me the strength to know in my heart that i am a great person and that people do love me
give me peace of mind not to worry that i am not good enough
give me time to nurture this relationship with the realtor and see where it goes
i still feel that there is a connection with this man that i have not had yet with anyone.
keep me in his thoughts as he is in mine and help to move each of us to get to know each other better

this is all i can do
i can only be myself
that self that i have been journeying to become.

when i was with pete i never doubted for a second that he would be calling me each day, more than once. i never doubted anything with pete, he was just there, his love was just there and i could count on it.

i want to be able to count on someones affection and love again. i dont need it to survive because obviously i can survive without it,
i want to survive with it.

enamored anymore????

i just re-read the first posts from when i met the realtor two weeks ago
wow was i happy
i still am
but the focus has changed.
he did not call today, but i really did not expect him to
but i wish he had
i texted around 11:30pm but who knows if he even knows how to read a text.... we shall see
i am sure i will call tomorrow
cause that is how i roll
but i really wish we would go back to him calling me
that elation is gone
that feeling of being totally wanted is gone
and it may have only gone because he has alot on his mind
or maybe because he just is not that enamored with me anymore

first contact is for the weak of heart.... ha!

had a good day today
did 4 loads of laundry
errands for mom
went to hartford with laurel, she got her apartment, yay!!
went to the pool with jean and the gang for a while
now i am home.
it is early evening and i am hoping for a call from patrick to go somewhere cause josh is at mom's

i have not heard from the realtor
i am sure he is still settling in
but i am in a good place
i have no idea if i am the only one he is seeing, i may not be.... that would not make me happy, mainly because of the direction our relationship has taken physically.... i never want to be one of many, always want to be the only one.... but that is just me... and maybe it is unrealistic in this world.

i would love..... LOVE..... love it if he would start calling me first again.
somewhere last week when work got busy for him and his days got depressing, i was first contact... and he would return the calls.... i think it was after i saw him last saturday morning.... ever since then i have been first contact.
i liked it better when he was thinking of me and calling me.... i wish it would go back to that.... it might.
it also might not.
he might like me thinking about him and calling first.....
i dont know
i dont want head games
i hate them
i know that i contact him first because i am thinking of him and i want him to know i am thinking of him.... the bad part about that is that if i dont get him then i have to wait, and that is the part that sucks and that is the part that makes me think bad thoughts
when he was contacting me first.... he was waiting for me... when i leave a vm... i am waiting for him.... and we ALLLLLL know how i feel about waiting.....

it is still too new.... i wish it was like a month and a half from now.... then i would know more.... maybe i would be able to be around the daughter by then

if i want him to go to my sisters wedding i should ask him pretty soon
jeans party is in like two weeks and i still dont know if he will get a sitter or not.

i am going to the cape to see sally for a few days and i am looking forward to it.
she has had a rough time lately and this is a tough time of year for her as well. i am so glad i contacted her to come visit. we have great talks and we both get alot out of it.

i emailed sharyn to see if she will be around for coffee as well... i hope so since we missed each other last time.

so i am here alone.... i am hungry.... and i have not heard from patrick ..... or anyone for that matter.
i am going to go make some bacon and watch tv :)

so i am slow, alright?

i figured something out
and yes, i am quite dim if i did not catch onto this already
so dont make fun of me for this

my breezy is fine when the last contact i had was good
my breezy is nonexistent if the last contact was not so good, or emails and vm not returned.

so that is why i was fine last night and today, the last contact was great.
if i did not hear from him till tomorrow it would not bother me because i know there is nothing wrong between us

by the way there has never been anything wrong between us, it was all in my head.... big surprise huh?

but when i email and there is no response i start to worry what i wrote was inappropriate or went to far
when i leave a vm and it is not returned i dont naturally think he must be busy, i think he does not want to talk to me.... well at least i dont think he is dead on the side of the road somewhere.... i guess there is not enough caring involved yet... i seem to only think people that are really close to me are dead or in the hospital.... hmm wonder why?


well, i checked my atm balance and i am officially broke... i have to have a talk with josh about things and hopefully we can work something out together.
i wish i made more money.... but i dont.
i love my job and where i work, i would not think of ever leaving.... but i just dont make enough money for the two of us...
i am really trying not to use the credit card.... been doing good for a few weeks now. but it will be time to pay the ortho soon and that is the only place i will be able to come up with the money this month. and i hope we dont want any more groceries than there are in the house right now.

i need more jewelry parties... that last one lasted me two weeks.... that was great!

off to do my hair.....

confidence? what's that?

somebody need to tell me
on a regular basis
not to doubt myself

(i know, i know, you do already, but i guess i need to listen more)

i know that i am a strong confident woman in everyday daily life
when it comes to matters of the heart i am a gooey spongy mess
letting every doubt in my head take charge

so i called at 5:15, he answered, was fine, fun, happy to hear from me
i asked him what were the chances that i could take him out to dinner
he said slim because he had his daughter and an appointment at 6:30
but he said that if he could he would take me out to dinner :)
and if anything changed he would call me immediately.

these were good words for me to hear

and i know that he has to pack and wash the dog and do all sorts of things for tomorrow.... so i completely understand.
i need to get back to how i felt the first 4-5 days that i knew him
confident
i need to not doubt myself
i am a great person
i am a great catch
he should be lucky, and hopefully he does feel lucky
to be with me

i have to get breezy back
because breezy is confident
i had it
look back about a week or so
it was there

i know that alot of my self doubt and feeling weepy lately was josh being gone too long
it was much longer than i have ever experienced and i missed him alot
even though we fight like cats and dogs
i need him in my life and it was like he was just gone without a trace
it is good to have him back
he will be gone again in a few days and i hopefully wont miss him as much

putting my week together
going to be with laurel tomorrow
going to r.i. sunday
monday thru wed i will be with sally
thurs will see anne and maybe kim too
not sure about friday, maybe mom and i will go to lunch for her b-day
saturday i get josh
and sunday we have sherry's picnic

the week will be over before i know it
and i plan to keep in contact with the realtor as well.