crossroads

once again i am at that crossroads that i usually feel i am standing at early on in a relationship

two flat dusty roads that cross with a flashing light in the center of them
one way leads to green pastures, sunny sky and happiness, this is road i am on and if i continue straight i will see these things
the other choice is the crossroad.... the desolate dusty road looks the same in either direction, lonely

i know that i feel confident in who i am and what i am about
i know that everything i have said or done so far with the realtor has been 100% me
i also know that not alot of men either like me, or can handle me, and therefore when i reach these familiar crossroads, i often am not able to continue straight down the path i am already on. usually the choice is made for me and i must turn left or right, depending on the weather conditions that day, and start that lonely path again.

when ever a man i am dating does something out of the norm for him, i start to wonder.
this could be as simple as no contact that day, or a comment that i just did not understand.
i am finally getting to be ok with my self
finally
i know that the realtor has a job and a kid and is a bit stressed with everything else going on in his life.... but we are at a point where i have made the last contact on both email and phone and i feel that i should not make contact again... for fear i will be 'chasing' him or pushing him away. also to give him his space because maybe he is just really busy.
but i also feel that this is the point where he may never call again....

i end up second guessing the last things i said or did... and when i go over them in my head, i am ok with everything that was said.
i say things because i am me
i do what feels right for me.
if these things are 'too much' for a man, then that man is probably not the one for me. and i need not get wrapped up in what is in his head and try to 'fix' it.

i know that when i left him things were good, i know that when i emailed, i said nothing wrong and the only thing i can possibly think of that might have rubbed him the wrong way was me commenting on the 'trial period' again... but i said it with a joke, so i dont think that will be a problem. and my last call i also said nothing wrong..... so i can go over it all in my head a million times.... i wont find anything detrimental or evil or anything worth breaking up with me.... if we are actually 'going together' at all.

this man brings out a side in me that i have not seen in a while, and i like that.
i think i would be most upset about losing this man ,over all the rest, because of that.
and if it were over already i would feel that we did not even have time to let it play out enough to see where it would have gone.
if it were over.... i would be quite sad
BUT i would not blame myself, i would know it was not a good fit at this time. this is what my journey to self has been all about....

again, nothing could be wrong, but you know this is me, this is how i roll, i go over everything i do and hope all is well.
sunday i went thru this and it turned out he just had a bad day and was busy..... and that is probably all it is this time too.

i just keep going back to the fact that out of ALL of them, the one i would never have expected to just stop calling me completely was the professor, i thought he was mature enough to end it properly... and he did not.... so when dealing with 'real' people like the realtor, i tend to think that he would tell me as well if he thought it was not working out.... but one never knows, do they, how others are feeling and how they chose to act and react.

i feel closer to what it is that i want in a man, in a relationship, now than at any time during this whole period of unrest in my life. i feel that i could be happy, and he could as well... and i am willing to give it the time that it takes to get to that point..... but i am not in his head and i have no idea how he feels..... he could have the love of his life from 5 years ago walk into his office today and suggest they go out to lunch and it could be all over for me in 5 seconds flat.... and unless he was man enough to call and tell me this, i would never know, and naturally blame myself.

i guess i am sick of getting that 'bad news' of a break up.... no matter how it is delivered, it stings... it stings your heart and your eyes and your soul.... it makes you back peddle and wonder what it was that 'i' did to make this happen.

i dont want to feel that sting this time, i want this one to progress and see where that road leads us. i want to go straight at the crossroads and see the green pastures and sunny sky ....and love, i want to see love again.
i want to love someone and i want to be loved in return, more than anything in this world. it all comes down to that.
undeniable, cant get away from it, need it in my life, it has been too long.... i want the love that there is out there to give and receive from a man in my life.
to open up my heart to him and let him touch it, and NOT hurt it, and let me get into his heart too.

i WONT give up hope that this is out there for me.