breezy reflection

this getting used to myself has been a long long journey
when i think of who i was before i married scott, i am completely different, i was completely unable to do anything on my own.
i remember going to the alanon anniversary in east lyme all by myself and walking up to hell's angles and just saying hi.
ever since that day i have not turned back.
i will do anything that needs to be done.
i may have doubts but i will proceed and do what needs to be done in my life.

after pete dumped me, i was a total wreck and i seem so much better now. i know there is good for me in the world. i have experienced some of it and i know there is more for me too.
getting comfortable in my own skin has been a process ....and i cant honestly say that i am there just yet. but going thru the dating i have gone thru in the last 3 months, i have seen myself grow and then again turn back into that needy child that needs approval and needs to avoid rejection.

i will talk to my neybas and i will drive to places i have never been for my son and i will pay the bills with money i dont even have.
i will bravely open my heart to people, let them touch it, only to have them mistreat me, or have me mistreat myself.

today i feel good about myself. i am in a good place at work, getting ready for vacation. the bills will all get paid, they always do, i will always figure something out.
josh is doing great things at this university this summer and i am so freaking proud of him.
i seem to be dressing better and taking better care of my appearance. keeping on my diet is tough but i am maintaining the same size since xmas... that says alot.
i am ok being a single mom. i am ok coming home alone or just josh and i. i am ok cooking my dinner and watching tv or a movie or going on my beloved blog :)

my friends are wonderful to me. they put up with so much crap from me and they are always there. i have such stupid worries yet they treat me like my problems are huge and help me thru the bad days.
i cant say enough how glad i am that match and yahoo are gone. i dont want to see them anymore.
i cant say enough how happy i am that i met the realtor. he is a sweet kind sensitive handsome man who is a single parent too. he likes me and appreciates what i have to offer.
i have NO idea where this will go, if it will go anywhere at all.... but i am totally happy with it.
as time goes on (because time will tell ya know) i am getting used to the fact that he does call or email every day. and that his schedule is a hairy one, i am glad it is not mine.
and i am willing to let it play out.
i am not seeing anyone else and i am content to keep it that way until he directs things in a way that leads me to believe he no longer wants to see me. i hope that day does not ever come. but i am ok floating along right now.
sure i have highs and lows.
i have doubts about myself.
but i am totally myself with him and nothing has backfired yet.

i have a meeting at church tonight and i dont want to go but i need to go. the only thing that would stop me is if the realtor called to see me. i have to see him when i can. but at this rate i dont think that will happen tonight. that is ok. i saw him last night.
i know i cant have everything. although i want it all.

patrick has written alot of emails to me lately that have made me cry because i realize that i am a good person and a great catch and why wouldn't the realtor want to be with me? why wouldn't he?

well that is totally up to him, isnt it. but if he chooses not to be with me, it will not be my fault. it will be his choice.
i am not sure if i will ever find the perfect situation for a boyfriend. the realtor is the right sort of man but he is unavailable to be seen everynight like zeke was. and he has responsibilities with his daughter and his work, just like i do... but his reach past 5pm.

who knows where i will go from here.... up .... or down..... but i know right now i am feeling well, and i am feeling like i am doing just what i am supposed to be doing right at this minute in my life.