morning thoughts

no the 3rd round wouldn't have helped anything but my sleep, but thanks anyway patrick.
today i wake after having weird dreams of someones wedding, not sure who.... was not my sisters, was not jean's but there were all the people that i know and have met this year at it.
a good portion of the dream was spent trying to find where i was supposed to sit
and who i was sitting with, where the person who was getting married decided to put me, since i did not have a date.
i dont know how that one turned out.
i also had a snippet of a dream with the realtor calling me and asking if he was able to do some rearranging, would i be able to come down to the shore to see him
that was obviously a dream sequence.... cause it sure as hell is not really going to happen :)

so i woke today looking out the window at the leopard spots of sunlight thru the trees on the shades in my room.... and i was thinking of a way for me to really just find the patience to live my life in general.
when i was married to an alcoholic, i lived with alanon in my life. and the way that i got thru each day was to say 'let go and let god'
this was the slogan i most related to. i had to just let go of the problems in my life and let god help me with them. he always protected me and josh. we always knew what to do at the right time.

i feel that with this situation, i have to let go and let god
i have to send my prayers up to him
and hope they are answered
i KNOW there is nothing wrong between the realtor and me, that last conversation was great.
so i have to just let it go and know that what is going to happen is going to happen
so every time i start to worry i have to stop myself and say 'let go and let god' and move on to what i was doing....

i really have no control over whether someone likes me or falls in love with me
i am just the person that i am, everyday, and if someone likes that .... then great .... and if they dont.... then oh well.
maybe it is right, maybe it is not right..... only TIME WILL TELL
and with time comes patience.... which i lack miserably
that is where the let go and let god comes it.
so each day i have to start my day with a little prayer or mantra and just stick with it all day
don tells me to believe in what you pray for and god will take care of you

god
give me the patience to get thru this one day
give me the strength to know in my heart that i am a great person and that people do love me
give me peace of mind not to worry that i am not good enough
give me time to nurture this relationship with the realtor and see where it goes
i still feel that there is a connection with this man that i have not had yet with anyone.
keep me in his thoughts as he is in mine and help to move each of us to get to know each other better

this is all i can do
i can only be myself
that self that i have been journeying to become.

when i was with pete i never doubted for a second that he would be calling me each day, more than once. i never doubted anything with pete, he was just there, his love was just there and i could count on it.

i want to be able to count on someones affection and love again. i dont need it to survive because obviously i can survive without it,
i want to survive with it.