the fill in

he did call back at like 9:40.... that is LATE for him.
we talked for about 15 minutes which is a record for us,but that is because he did not call me on the way to an appointment or on the way to pickup his daughter... so there was no end of the call in sight.
he did have to go to sit with his daughter and said he would call me back in a few.... when a half hour went by i called back, sounded like i woke him and he said he was still with her and he would call back in 15 minutes... but i knew by the sound of his voice that he will fall asleep again.

i am not going to email anymore for a week because he will not be near a computer.... i have no idea if he ever read any of my emails, he did not refer to them at all.
i think at this point i just want to know if i am wasting my time.
i do care quite a bit for him, and i thought he felt the same way about me but it is nearly impossible to tell on the phone because it is too early for "i love you's" so it is just chit chat.
i am concerned about him because of his sadness about his mom, and i wish i could be there for him, but you cant be there for someone who does not let you.

my plan today is to call when i am driving to get josh and see if we can chat for a few minutes....tell him that i am sorry i interrupted his time with his daughter last night, i know how important that time is, and how quickly it gets away from you.... 11 they still want you to snuggle.... 13 not so much anymore....

i suppose i am getting closer to what it is i am looking for, he does call when he can, and he asks about my day, and listens when i talk to him. that is more than all the others have done since pete.

i am feeling sad and i dont want to feel sad.

i have to go to work for a few hours and then i leave for vaca and i leave to get josh.
this is a vacation i dont want to take. i will be alone for most of it.
so i think i will go visit sally monday and come home wednesday. that is a nice visit and i can come home and get some stuff done too if i feel like it. and it is not too long to board the dog.... if i get home before 6pm i can get her that night too.

i will be glad when josh is back for good. i want to get back to a real schedule. i need the rigidity of it. this summer has sucked as far as i thought it would go. i thought that by the time i hit the end of june i would have a man who i was seeing and really getting to know, i figured i would be taken on all sorts of fun dates this summer.
none of it happened.
i am not surprised really
it was all a pipe dream.
and it was what i wanted
and we know from experience
i NEVER get what i want.
sometimes i get a bit or piece of it,
but it is never in the form of what i really wanted.

today i dont feel like doing anything. i dont feel like working, i dont feel like taking care of the dog, i dont feel like driving 4 hours today, i dont feel like trying to get this man to like me.
why cant he just like me and date me
because i picked the wrong one for that scenario
but i am glad i did pick him
i really like him as a person
and am attracted to all aspects of him
i just hope i am not alone in this
i would love to know what is in his head too.

i suppose i could ask....
but that would open it up to my fear of rejection