bummed about the birthday

my son is playing his bass in the other room
actually he is repeatedly playing the same note in some sort of annoying pattern and i am about to scream
ok now he is playing a real song
it's better now

i had a weird day at work, month end, nancy's first month end so i am doing alot of the work as well
i am glad for the three day weekend

my day started badly fighting with josh about him not respecting what i have to say with authority
i was about to walk out the door and the realtor called
he called to thank me for the cd again and for coming over and for being so nice to him
he was sooooo happy, he had not even listened to it yet at that point.
it really started my day off well.

i have to work on my self esteem or my moods or something because i started my day out so great and now i am sad because i am back to not knowing when i will see him again... i know i can survive and actually the first few days are the worst because i get used to hearing his voice and seeing his face and holding his hand and i am pissed cause i cant do those things and i have to wait for a phone call.
but after a few days i get used to it again. like i have said many times before .... i really think he is worth the wait.
we talk every day and we are definitely only seeing each other and i know he is really into me and you know how i feel about him.... so i just have to get out of the mind set that we have the kind of relationship where we can see each other every day.... i mean with everyone except zeke and scott, i never saw anyone everyday.

i am a bit depressed about my birthday this year for some reason, i am not sure why because i usually am not depressed about my birthday.
not sure if it is because of where i am in life, wishing i made more money or lived in a bigger place. i love my job and where it is, but i know i will never make the money i need to make to pay all my bills and live the way we want to live.
josh argues with me all the time now, and i know it is because of his age, but it hurts my feelings when he does not respect me and shuts me out.
tonight i am writing this and he is playing his instruments and then we will do some housework together (so i dont have to do it all alone) and then i will bring him to grammy's for the night.
i have a hair apt at 8am and then he has a lesson and then that is it. i told laurel that if i get the word from the realtor that i wont be able to see him tomorrow then i will help her with her weeding out of her apartment getting ready for her move to hartford.
i think how cool it would be to live where she is living but for josh and i to live there it would cost over $2000 a month and he would no longer be in the windsor school system. not worth it at all and i cant afford it anyway. but how cool would it be??!!

i am overwhelmed with school information this week and scouts starts next week and church starts next week. pretty soon i wont have time to breath, that will help with not being able to see the realtor.
i called him but i just have a feeling i wont hear from him tonight. i just can tell by the two rings then vm, i dont know what that means. right to vm is he is on the nextel or it is dead or off. three rings he will get the missed call. two , i have no idea, so i left a vm just in case.
but i just have a feeling i wont hear from him for some reason, and i am usually right. it is 6 and by now he would be at dinner with his daughter and then home and then sleep.
i know him pretty well.

i am bummed because i dont think he will get a sitter for the party sunday. that depresses me too because i would love for him to be there, and to meet jean and everyone else.... and to spend that time with him.
when i am with him i feel like i am eating some decadent dessert or enjoying some lavish show and i am trying to savor every bite and every moment. it is wonderful when we are together and when we are not, i am lonely and sad and miss him..... but i know he misses me too.