after thoughts, after beer glasses and ground turkey

that was not self loathing
i dont loath myself
i am a pretty cool chick
and i will be the first person to tell you too
i am happy for the most part
keep busy
get shit done

again... i am a great catch.

i was just commenting on how i can be too much for some people and i feel dangerously close to that right now....
maybe god is telling me something, by not having the realtor more available.
but then i say
why
why would he let me meet someone who seems so great for me
and then take them away basically by not letting them ever be available to me?

again an evil trick played by god on amy, i suppose.
testing me perhaps?
testing to see if i have the patience... which i apparently dont.... to be with this man?

so it is 8 minutes until the hours is up that he said he would call me back...
i would not place money on the fact that he will call me back tonight...
i would loose it if i were to take that bet.
but at least i called and now it is on him.
he asked his daughter to remind him to make a call in an hour.... he said he has this bad habit of lying down and then falling asleep before he remembers to call me back....
kinda makes me wonder how close to the forefront of his mind i reside..... ???
maybe not so close, i am thinking.

well if he has not read my email yet and he forgets to call me tonight... it will just hit the point home even more when he does read it ..... dont ya think?

well, i get josh tomorrow... and i cant wait! i miss him so much... this was so good for him but he has been gone too long this summer.
he is still a little boy to me, even though he is 13 and going into 8th grade... i miss my little boy. and i know he misses me.

when there is just two of you, the bond is greater.

aint that the truth!

again the fear of never being loved again pops into my head.
i go to bed alone every night
and yes it is nice not to have anyone else's clutter around or deal with snoring or other drama.... it is lonely
i turn out the light every night and get in bed on 'my side' and stay there all night
no one next to me... but i stay put
this is what i refer to when i say i have a lonely heart
things like this.
little things that i miss.
sleeping with someone, especially someone who likes to sleep with me
sitting next to someone on the sofa and just hold hands or something while we watch a movie
walking beside someone
living with someone else in my life.

this is what i am lonely for
i had not found someone who 'fit' me well enough and now i think the realtor does
it will just take time, if it is to happen