diversions

went to chili's with patrick, got me out of the house when i needed to escape
saw alexis too, got to catch up with her after her trip abroad.
got two emails from the professor. i am happy now. it seems more promising... maybe he was just having a bad day the other day. the emails eluded more to our sunday visit.
i still have good hopes for this.
hope to see him wednesday. looking forward to it.

tomorrow another busy day... draggin josh here and there... wednesday will be calmer for me.

at wits end

this kid is going to drive me crazy
i know he is only being a 13 year old and i know it only gets worse but being a single parent SUCKS!
i want to cry all the time, but i dont
i want to slap him, but i dont
i want to run away, but i dont

i do so much for him and it makes me crazy that he acts the way he does.
i suppose it could be ALOT worse, he could do drugs or run away or get girls pregnant...
being mouthy is the least of my worries, right?
well i sure as hell dont feel that way.

on a lighter note, the professor wrote to me to ask when he could come see me this week. i told him basically any day but today.
we shall see if he calls, i think he will.
i am not worried about it.
this is a reverse situation for me almost... i dont really have any worries that he will call or want to see me, i just worry that maybe it wont be like i planned in my head.
i pictured lots more of last sunday
i am not sure if that day was just a fluke or not.
i hope it was not... i hope it was real and the real professor.

that day he did everything i wanted and said everything i wanted, it was wonderful.
and it came so easy.
i want more of that.
who wouldn't?

wondering again

ok apparently i need to mention every time someone is nice to me... patrick
thank you for inviting me to go to wings to get out of my house for a while.
i really do appreciate all the support from my friends... i thought you knew that already....

i am feeling good this morning.... confident.... overworked (even though i am not even there yet)... a bit stressed because of all the stuff we have to get done this week.... but not stressed about men. and that is the key here.

i am wondering how this will pan out with the professor.... i dont know where it will go, and how long it will take to get there. i am looking forward to a good relationship, well rounded, full of love someday. the connection we felt last sunday was great.... i just would like to have more time with him to see if it is for real.
i shot him a short email last night telling him i hoped he had a good weekend and that i was thinking of him.... i am content with that. he knows i am going away on friday for the weekend and said he would see me before i left.... we shall see if that pans out.
when i first met him i had envisioned future dates with him, out to dinner, seeing a band maybe blues or jazz, dinner in, going to the beach house.... i have yet to ask him what he is looking for... i mean i know what he wrote to me and that is all wonderful and beautiful, but getting to that point takes time....
i will be curious to see where it goes, if it goes. it is in his court right now. and i am ok waiting for the volley back.

end of day check in

i think i am doing pretty good at this single mom thing... i handled him pretty good earlier, sure sure i wanted to run away from home.... but to him i was strong and held my ground.

and for some reason i continue to be breezy.
i am not arguing. i am accepting.

i hope that it sticks with me. who knows with me, this could be just a short phase and i will be back to the paranoid crazy girl i was before. but i hope that this is a new me. a more confident and positive me.

who knows if i will hear from the professor or not... and when.
but i think i will... i know there is attraction there, i am just not sure if it all comes down to physical or if there is a more emotional and intellectual attraction as well. i know i feel it for him but i am not sure if he feels it for me... and that is ok.
i will deal with this day to day and go from here.
if he was to 'break up' with me, i am sure he would do it in an adult fashion either on the phone or in person... not in an email or just stop calling.
i am glad i dont have the distractions of match and yahoo personals to get me befuddled again. i will just see where this goes and if it goes nowhere i will put my profiles back up.
i am not feeling as pressured and in a hurry like i was before.
i dont think i will be alone forever, i think someone will come along that will be a good fit for me.... maybe it will be the professor, it would be nice... but if it is not, i will survive.

calgon take me away

he has been home about 30 minutes and i already want to kick him to the curb.
i am so angry right now.... i cant believe that i had such a great weekend and now he is back and there is nothing but turmoil
my heart races and i just want to run away
i am not cut out for this single mom crap
i am not any good at it
all my good feelings about myself have gone out the window in a flash

i want to run away from all of this.
how can someone be so evil to someone they 'love'
i know it is totally normal for a teenage boy to scream and be defiant
but i am so sick of it all

i do the best that i can for being alone
i dont have a dad i can fall back on
i dont have a 'wait till your father comes home'
i dont have a rational partner to help me calm down

this is probably the hardest part of my life so far.... harder than the marriage, harder than the divorce, harder than scott dying.
i am feeling as though i am on trial every day of my life
i feel like nothing i say or do is right even though i know it is

parenthood is draining, taxing on the brain and emotions, and something that i know i will love again someday but right now i am at my wits end.

what i deserve

i have slept very good the last two nights and slept late as well... i think i needed to catch up.
today i have myself immersed already (so early in the day) in projects.... while waiting for my computer to decide it wanted to sign onto the internet (and it took many different avenues to get that to work) i decided to go thru my clothes in my closet and put away things that are too big (just in case i get fat in the future, could happen, has happened, good idea to plan ahead) and put away all my long sleeved items and give away things i have not put on in over a year.
so after changing my sheets and flipping my mattress (by myself which was a DAUNTING task, thought i was going to be crushed... they would have to break down the doors and find me suffocated under the mattress in the corner of my bedroom) i have all my clothes all over my bed... rummaging thru them to see what's what.

when i am done i am sure i will feel a sense of accomplishment, i usually do.
later today i will probably go to lunch or dinner with josh and maybe go to the driving range to hit a bucket of balls and get some sun.

i am thinking of my state of mind and where i am in the relationship game. still i am feeling very good about myself and where i am at. i have definite ideas of what i want in a relationship... but one really important thing is that i want to be taken out places... i dont want to spend every evening at my house or his house... a girl could get a complex. i might think that he is embarrassed to be seen with me or maybe he has a girlfriend or wife that might see us... and then there is also the other option... maybe it is purely physical and he is not attracted to me emotionally and intellectually... i need it all.
i am not in any way referring to the professor because it is far too soon to judge that. i am referring in general to any man i ever dated.
i look forward to being lifted over the physical attraction and have the other types of attraction as well.

i know i deserve it all.

status quo

i, amazingly, am still doing good.
i dont know what happened and i dont know if it will stick, but i am different now.
i sit here before this computer and can tell you that i honestly feel better, more mature, more together, less apprehensive, and calm.

spent another good day with good friends.... i am SO lucky. and i KNOW it.

tomorrow if it does not rain i plan to try the driving range... want to get in some swings .... it has been a while.

i did get a speeding ticket today.. but you know what... normally i would be freaking out about it... but i am not. i am going to plead not guilty and hope that i can get the fine lowered. plus it buys me some time.

i am going to go to bed now but i wanted to write to say that i am still doing well... and i appreciate my friends more than anyone will ever know!

content saturday

i keep wondering if i have actually turned a corner here in my life.
have i actually become comfortable in my own skin?

i still think it is too soon to tell but there is a good chance that i have.
i look around myself and dont hate everything anymore... i know this is what i can provide for my little family and that is all i can do.
i am happy with myself
i am happy with my friends and my job
i am happy with my lot in life as caretaker for both my mother and my son

and i look forward to promising things in my future
i look forward to having that special person in my life who really loves me for who i am... all of me... not just sex or someone to cook for them.... not just one thing.... every thing.

i dont know if the professor is that person or not, but i am willing to give it a try.
all i know is i dont need to date someone right this minute.... i am ok with what is in my life right now.

someone will love me someday, i know this fact. i dont know how long it will take but someone will love me again, and maybe forever.

this is an uplifting thought for me. i have not had many in the last few months. some things i thought were uplifting were just time consumers, time wasters.
i am feeling confident in myself. confident that i will not be alone the rest of my life. confident that i am a beautiful person inside and out and someone will want to be beside me someday to share things with me in life.
again i have no idea if that man will be the professor or not. but just being myself with him from day one, from second one, i can feel confident that at least there is a start of something there. with him i dont think there will ever be a personality conflict, i think if there is a problem it will probably come down to scheduling time together or possibly if he has some habits that he is stuck in his ways with that drive me nuts... or vice versa.
but again... too soon to tell any of that.

today i am going to do some stuff for my mother and maybe hit the driving range, going to go to the bank too. might call laurel and take a ride with her. might get to catch up with jean too this evening.

i have absolutely no anxious feeling right now. i do not consider myself 'with' the professor yet. i consider myself seeing him. it is a good feeling. it is a content feeling.
i dont feel in a rush to do anything right now. except maybe get to the bank before they close... but that is not even a rush.

late nite

it is amazing how at peace i feel today.
laurel told me today that i am the healthiest today than i have been in 11 years.
i really think i am ok now.... or at least for now.
i love what has started with the professor but i know it is all too new to be 'anything' and i like that he is mature and able to speak clearly about how he feels and how he is going about this... i think if people had told me that they are taking it slow and wont be calling too much, then i would not be so hard on myself
i am feeling really good about my situation
i really like my circle of friends and they take good care of me when i am down or need help
they are supportive and i appreciate that.

i would like to see where this goes with the professor but i also know what i want in a relationship and what i dont want
i can feel secure in telling him just how i feel
this new being sure feeling is odd to me
sure it is true, in a few days if he does not call me i may just freak out
but i have high hopes that i will not.

it is what it is

ok so i am in the mind set that i am seeing this man but he is a busy man.
so i can feel secure in the fact that he saw me yesterday and will call me when he gets back next week and will see me before i go away next weekend.
this is how normal couples do it at the beginning... they make dates and fit each other in when they can.

i think i am finally removing some of the damage pete has done to my perspective of a relationship. i am finally understanding that my relationship with pete was not a realistic one and no one has that much time on their hands in real life.

i will not freak out all weekend
i will be fine because i am pretty secure knowing that he really likes me so far
and i will not fret because i have not heard from him because i know he wont call
because he will be busy.
i get the impression that he wants to take it slow to see how things develop
and really that is great, like i said yesterday, it forces me to put on the breaks too.
i am glad i dont have other distractions with the online services right now. i need to get
used to dating a real man, not a player. it is odd and new and i think i like it.
it would be better if josh was not away and i was not going to be alone all weekend, but i am sure i wont be alone because i have my friends.
and i have things i could be doing around here and i have movies i can watch too.

i think today is the first day of this journey that i can calmly sit here and say that i feel like i have grown.
my head feels not necessarily clear, but not cloudy like usual.
i feel like i am breathing easier.
i dont know why. it is not because i am in a committed relationship, it is not because i have someone who loves me.... i dont have either of those things yet.
i feel i may be on the slow road to those things but just not sure.... but that is ok with me today. i just feel good about me today. i feel good about my decisions and where i am at right now in my life. i feel ready to start something new. i feel ready to complete what i need to complete. i feel ready to be that good friend to others like they are to me. i feel empowered by my decisions.

and i have no idea why all of that is... but it is....

visit

today the professor called, twice, to come see me this evening
he is going away this weekend. so i wont see him for several days. he said he would call me next week when he gets back.
also he golfs alot. ALOT.
that is his thing i guess.
we had a nice time visiting and talking. the connection is still there.
the comfort level is still there.
i have to get myself in the mind set that i will not see him all that much.... maybe if i am really lucky, 4 times a week, if i am lucky....
and who knows how often he will call. he told me that he likes to start things out slow just to feel things out, and eventually over time there will be more contact like phone calls etc. that explains why he did not call monday or tues but shot me an email instead. he said he wanted to come see me before he went away for the weekend. i am glad he did.
i am feeling very comfortable and right..... if that makes sense.
in my head i can see myself very easily in a relationship with him. but i am not sure how it will pan out. i am glad that he told me that he is going to take it slow, it gives me time to take it slow too.
but he also mentions things about the future and i like that he is thinking that way as well.
it is 12:30 and i am not tired at all.
i have tons of work on my desk to do and i will probably be too tired to do it!

mood.... good

today josh is off for his first time away from me this summer, it is only 4 days but it is on a weekend that my new friend the professor will be away so my friends jean and patrick will probably take the brunt of me being lonely... they are good sports and usually let me tag along quite a bit... i feel like a third wheel or just an unwanted wheel on a unicycle which ever the case may be... but they never make me feel that way... i am lucky like that.

looking forward to the professors call today... i hope it happens and i hope that we can arrange something soon. i am excited to continue what we started on sunday, and to see if it really is 'there'... the connection. he seemed genuinely happy to speak to me last night.

so as my pattern goes.... i will be fine today but if he does not call today, tomorrow is freak out day... i am trying to train myself not to have that knee jerk reaction like that.... what makes me forget is pete, damn pete, who called me 4 times a day and we talked for 30 minutes plus each time....
that is NOT realistic in the real world. no one has that kind of time... well maybe eeyore cause he is unemployed, but he had no voice so there you go!

the professor is a full time employed adult who is busy alot.... phone calls will be sporadic, to say the least... but what i look forward to with him is the time spent with each other. that will probably prove to be of much better quality than any i have experienced so far on this journey... or before for that matter. i can only base it on the 6 hour conversation we have had so far but i am probably pretty correct in that assumption.

today is going to be busy at work, i have to catch up .... again... from being out of the office yesterday. but i am in a pretty good mood so i might get alot done. i hope so.

just when i let it go, it happens

maybe this is a sign that i need to just let things go
when i finally just let it go
accepting that i have done what i can to let the professor know how i feel without being needy or crazy, just keeping it breezy
he then calls

i went to the pediatrician with josh tonight and we were there for 2 HOURS, yes i said 2 hours.... they were backed up quite a bit.
then we went to jean's for kevin's family party... cause i have been around so long, i am considered family :)))))
we had a good time, got patrick (the only patrick) to come out and have fun with us too. it was a nice evening.
just when i lost track of my phone and accepted the fact that i am fine no matter what...
the professor called. just to check in.
he has to go to away this weekend but he will call me tomorrow morning to see when we can get together again
YAY! i am so happy!
i still have such a good feeling about this one.... i hope i am right.

sunday was amazing and i cant wait to be immersed in that feeling again.

better today no worries

ok the farther i get from last night i can realize that i was just having a moment.
it was something that i wanted so badly and it did not happen so i freaked, and i cried.
not enough though, i can feel it still inside me, waiting to come out, probably at the most inappropriate moment too :)

i am having some health issues too, going to the doc next week and hope it is nothing ... but it could be something... but i hope not.... say a prayer please.

i was busy all day long... went to worcester... i love it there because i can be useful. i know i am useful in bloomfield but i like to do different things sometimes.

now we are about to go to josh's doctors appointment and then at 6pm jean is having family over for kevins birthday. we will go there for a while too.

i feel ok with the way i left things with the professor.... i did call monday and tuesday evening and left a voicemail but they were not needy pathetic voicemails... they were just saying how i was thinking of him and hope to hear from him soon.
i left that email too, basically saying the same thing but with more words.... breezy words.
now i am done.
we had sunday which was wonderful
i left my two msgs and email
he did touch base with an email and told me work was very busy

and now it is up to him, completely.
i know who i am and what a good person i am
i know the great time we had on sunday
i know that i am ok if he never calls again, i will survive just fine
i know that if he does call then we can start this new dating relationship with
a clean slate and no other distractions.

i am feeling confident and breezy right now... and later i will be too tired to be anything but sleepy.
tomorrow i may go with jean to see the stingrays in hartford, josh will be getting on the bus for cape cod tomorrow am at 7:00!
wont be back till sunday at noon, so i hope to have a date on the weekend, but if not another friend has invited me to her house on friday evening too and then i would only have to deal with saturday and i have a few movies out from the library anyway.
if the professor does call ... he may be at that conference this weekend.... so i might be alone either way.

i will be fine. i am much better today, i hope!

i am ok with this, i am ok with this.

so seriously i am ok with this
i have to be
last night i was feeling weepy anyway and to not have him call when he said he would dashed my hopes of everything i was feeling
yes he very well could be THAT busy that he cant call or write more than a few words... and the ball truly is in his court now
i have called twice and written an email expressing how i am feeling.
that is ALL i can do.

it all makes me want to throw up, but really i am ok with this
i have to be
i have no choice
i have learned thru this process that i can only control myself and my feelings
no one else

ok, sure, i am actually growing in this process like i had hoped i would.
huh, imagine that!

ok so that is it
that is all i can do
now i just wait
and I HATE WAITING

i sit here and wonder how busy could work be that you cant make a call while you are driving from one place to another. how busy could work be that you cant write more than two sentences in an email..... after all the words that were poured out on sunday.... it seems so odd to leave it that 'breezy'.

so seriously i have done all i can do.
it is really in his court.
and none of it all really matters at this point.
today is probably one of the busiest days i have planned this summer.
i have to leave early to go to court in leominster which is an early time and far away and lots of traffic. i am going to leave earlier than i did last time.
then i will go to the office in worcester and help out a bit but i have to leave there around 2 so i can be back home for 3:30 to get josh for his doc's apt.
then i have to bring 4 medical forms to be filled out. i am so surprised i have them all and have not lost them.... i do have to start to fill them all out for the doc too.... i will do that later on today.
once today is over... then next most hectic thing i have going on is 4th of july weekend with cathy's party and then going to the cape ....eek!

so i decide right this minute to let this go
matnra today is this

i believe in what was said
i am ok with who i am
i am ok with the email i have written
i am ok waiting for a reply

i know that when he reads my email he will see where i am at.
if he chooses not to call or email
then i will know where he is at.
it is just that simple.

i had hoped for so much more this time around.... and it is not too late
maybe work really is that busy.... who knows... when i leave work at 5 i leave work at 5.... maybe he is always at work.... who knows.

i truly hope by the time i go to bed i have some sort of contact .... even if it is to tell me that 'sorry all that glitter was only gold on sunday and it has gone away'
even if it is rejection then i can move on.... but if there is nothing.... i cant tell what my mood will be then.

but for now...i am ok

what the hell is wrong with me

i want to cry

i
want
to
cry

was i fooled?
did everything that happened sunday, stay on sunday and not travel to monday and tuesday?
what the hell am i doing?
why am i bothering?
on sunday the things he said made me want to cry with joy
today the lack of his words makes me want to cry with loss

so i am back to square one again? is that how it is this time around again?
sure, he has careers that would keep him busy and working late.... but call me back for god sake.
how the hell hard is that?

i know, i know, he might call in 10 minutes and i will feel like a fool....
but i would rather feel the fool in that situation than feel how i am feeling now.
i was sure that when i got out of the picnic that there would be a missed call and voicemail from him.... but there wasn't

no email
and he is online on match
either writing to me or ignoring?
i hate this.
was he lying to me? was i fooled to think that he is a normal man who might actually mean what he says?
or am i just freaking out and he is busy and will call me tomorrow.
maybe if he was not online on match right now i might not be freaking out so much. i hurt inside, i hurt because i thought this was something great.
--------------
he sent an email... very short.... nothing personal in it.... said work was busy and no time to chat....
--------------
maybe i was fooled
maybe i dont trust anyone anymore
maybe i am mad at myself for thinking this was real.

i wrote back a touch deeper than what he wrote.... if i get no response again or an impersonal response.... i will know where i stand with this one too.
and if that is the case
i am giving up!
seriously giving up.
if what i felt on sunday was not REAL then i dont want anything at all.

vulnerable

mom's incision is looking great, we dont have to go back to dr johnson anymore, unless there is a problem.... yay!

my day was full.... yet i still had lots of thoughts of the professor and wondering if he will call.
i wonder if he is still thinking of me the same way he did that day, or if it has all faded,... like the sunny day at the beach was what was captivating, not actually me like he said.

it is about 45 minutes from when josh and i have to go to a scout picnic... i hate picnics.
it is the last meeting for the summer and there is some informational stuff so we have to go.
i am having these pains in my stomach and i am not liking it much.

i cannot wait, i mean seriously cannot wait till the professor calls.
i am not sure i have cell service at northwest park where the picnic is being held... so i hope i dont miss his call because of stupid scouts!

i know i will feel better when i speak to him again. i know i will feel better when i see him again, and now that the schedule is cleared... when will that be?
he might be away this weekend on a planned trip but if not, i really hope i can see him again.

i am feeling lethargic and unhopeful... the same way i always do when i am waiting for a call.
i want to feel happy again. i want to feel secure in a relationship, and know that the man that i am with really likes me and really wants me and will call.

this up in the air stuff is for the birds.
i am going to leave shortly.... will probably write later because either a) he will call and i will be excited or b) he wont call and i will be totally bummed out.

i feel so vulnerable now because i had such connections with this man and i am really ready to open up my heart to him, if he wants it, if he wants me.... and so easily i could be crushed again.

i wonder

ok so the slate is cleared

i wrote back to dumbass patrick and told him that was fine, i am all for honesty, and could he please mail my son's dvd back to me.
i wrote to joe in enfield and told him that i had some stuff come up in my personal life and it is not a good time for me to be dating right now, and i apologized.
i know, not so much truth there but it was what i thought fit the situation.
so there is actually no one else but the professor right now.
i called last night and got voicemail and just said i was thinking about him. the professor, i do not think will be scared or freaked out by that at all.... unlike some dumbasses we know.

so here i am in that vulnerable place again... i have put everything aside to see where this goes... i wonder where it will lead.... i wonder if he will drive me crazy... i wonder if he is the one....

today we have an appointment with mom for her hernia incision, tomorrow i have court way up in leominster and then i will go to worcester to help out for a while and then i have to be back in town to get josh for his yearly doc apt. and get all the camp forms filled out.
and josh leaves for the cape on thursday to sunday with the scouts.

it is a whirlwind and then nothing, whirlwind then nothing... that is how my life goes.

jump

ok ask me how much i thought about the professor today.... go ahead .... ask me.....
ALOT!
so i get home wondering what i am going to do about this... how i am feeling, having a date scheduled with new patrick on wednesday.... i come home after all my errands and sign onto the computer and i see an email from new patrick.... he was replying to my email i sent him last fucking week when he was in st. louis.
he wrote
hi amy, you are too kind! unfortunately i am not interested in dating right now. im sorry.

what the hell! didnt he just aske me out yesterday? does he not know who wrote him this email? am i on drugs? is he on drugs?

i have to be honest, i was smiling as i read this email... my decision was made for me.
i have no idea how to respond to this.... but i will respond. and i want my dvd back!

i called jean and she and gene were at wings and called me over... then i called old patrick (who forever more will just be called patrick) and we had a few beers and nice time.

i came home and made both my profiles unsearchable... and i want to call the professor so bad. but i have not.

so from here i just see how it goes... i see where it takes me.
this might be what i need and what i am looking for.
it might not
but either way....
i am jumping in with both feet and i am looking forward to where it leads me.

more confusion

now i am even more confused.... even though i got home so late, the night seemed to last forever, i woke up about 5 times, i mean woke up totally, then tried to sleep again.
these two men are completely different.
they are two different types of people. the professor is a man... i mean new patrick is too but the professor looks like a grown man... he looks like my doctor.. and my sons doctor.
he is highly intelligent, highly sensitive, highly accomplished, totally secure...
new patrick is more like a struggling dad like i am a struggling mom, except i know he makes more money than i do. patrick seems younger... and he is younger by only 3 years. but seems about 10 years younger.... it is not that the professor moves slow or anything like that, it is just patrick seems like he is in his 30's and the professor seems his age.
nothing wrong with either.
i guess i am really looking for what i am looking for.... if that makes sense.
do i want to feel emotionally secure, calm, cared for, respected......
do i want to ride on motorcycles and watch movies and hang out....
do i want someone to play with my kid and have kids of his own that can play with my kid....
do i want someone who can talk intellectually with my kid....

these are all different types of things and it is all really too soon to judge with the professor and it seems that i have to make a decision with new patrick very soon so that i dont let it go on any longer than it needs to, if he is just not that into me....
he never calls unless it is time to do something together. and if he has his kids, forget it.
i feel that the professor is going to call all the time... because it is important to him and he knows it is important to me.

first time connections are so important, i write about them in my profile, i want the connection, the spark.
it says alot to be able to have 6 hour conversations.
sometimes when i talk to new patrick i dont even think he is listening.... maybe it is just me....
wow, i am glad i am writing this today.... i needed to work it out and this is helping because i know my 4 friends who read this will tell me what they think.... they have already told me what they think about new patrick... but this probably sealed his fate.
the only thing is i am a person of my word and i made a date with him for wednesday and i suggested doing something this weekend maybe on saturday... so i dont know if he is going to take me up on that or not....
i will definitely see him wed. and get my dvd back and then i will see how the rest of the week pans out, if the professor calls, and what the content of the calls will be like.
oh, god.... i hate decisions....
this week is a hectic one, doctor apts for mom and josh, court in mass again on wednesday, and i am sure there are other things, plus my heartache!!
argh!

and just to make them even more confusing than that

spent the day with the professor.
got lost on the way, was about to turn around and go home i was so mad at myself with the way things were going... but then i got there and everything was fine.
met him for coffee.... he is a very insightful, intelligent, sincere, kind, genuine man. oh and wordy, very very wordy. in a good way.
i just got home and it is 11:30 or so.
it was a 2 hour ride and i was dreading the ride home in the dark. but i was fine... jean talked to me most of the way.
while we were together we went for coffee, walked on the beach, sat on the breakwater, went to dinner, went to his house..... and talked more than i think i have ever talked in my life.
there was connection... not like i had with eeyore... this was real connection.
he is 48, scares me a bit.... i know it is only 5 years difference but still.... and he is not what you might call a hottie, does not really scare me but the fact that i mention it makes me feel shallow.
but the sincerity, the honesty, the connections in the conversations that we had today were far more important that appearances.
so now i am confused and torn.... i hate it when i feel like this after a first date.... it is deceiving... i have to go back for a second and a third to see if it is really what i think it is.... a mature, real, relationship... or the start of one anyway.

just to make matters more confusing

ok just to throw a monkey wrench in the works, new patrick called. wants to get together on wednesday. i am about to leave for RI to see the professor at 2.

i have to come up with a new mantra

something to help me do this without feeling weird

something to help me learn about these men so i can see if they are the one i want to be with, without feeling that i am being a slut, or being a bitch... cause that is how i feel sometimes....

it is ok to date more than one man at a time
it is ok to try these people on, over several dates to see what they are like
it is ok to just date
it is ok for me to get to a point where i can make a decision, but it might take me a while to get to that point

i think what confuses me the most is that i really do like new patrick, i just cant figure him out. and i need so much more attention than he has given me. he is just dating me... but he is only dating me and no one else.... seems odd
but he did say he was not ready to cancel his membership... but he is not dating anyone else.
again it goes back to the feeling of time filler. and i am better than that.

but the professor could turn out to be crazy.... who knows!

i dont want to think of any of these men as my only options... if this all does not work out... and i have to start again.... then so be it.

i feel like i have a clean slate with the professor.....
we will see how it goes. i am leaving here in about a half hour and headed to meet him.


and with new patrick... i just dont know.... it would be easier if i did not like him at all. i think he does like me... alot.... just does not have the time for me... or the time that i require at least.
i keep saying that.... everyone tells me to cut him loose... but i dont want to.... not yet.... so it is my choice and i am not going to.


i guess i need to see how they feel about me after another few weeks... whether they really want to see me and talk to me or if i fall into the cracks.
and what if the others call me.... argh! i might just have a nervous breakdown.


wish me luck!

hopes

i am so looking forward to meeting the professor today
i have high hopes for this one. i will be crushed if he turns out to be an alcoholic.... and that would be the biggest crushing blow there could be.
i wont know right away either.
you can kind of tell by what a man drinks if he is an alcoholic.... scott could have been because his drink of choice was hard liquor. frank could have been because he went right for red wine. new patrick could have been because he had enough booze to mix tons of drinks and he always had beer in the fridge.... but none of them showed it to me because i did not see them enough times. i saw scott about 5 times total and he drank 2 of them. new patrick i saw about 6 times and he drank all of them but only one drink.
you cant tell by their accomplishments either if they are an alcoholic because there are some pretty accomplished alcoholics in this world... nothing is safe until i put my stamp of approval on it.

so here i sit with high hopes and i really hope it is not dashed away.
it is 7 and i am going to jump in the shower and start my day.
he emailed again (i have to say his attention to paying attention is quite good) telling me he would call after 8am and if the weather is good then RI will be a go.
the weather is not supposed to be good so i hope he does not cancel. i will drive in the rain... i dont mind the beach in the rain... but i did not write those things... i will let it happen the way it happens.

still no word from anyone else.
maybe this is god's way of not confusing me like when i had 3 of them on the line... maybe it is his way of showing me this is a better choice than the others.....
maybe they will all start to talk to me after i have met the professor and decide that i like him, just to confuse the crap out of me.
life IS a funny thing....

i'm a party pooper

went to my patrick's b-day party... in torrington... was there alot longer than expected, but i enjoyed the company.
i love to see kelly and i like dan as well.... enjoyed meeting the other relatives i had not met yet, finally got to talk to wendy for more than two seconds, and eddie and betsy were a riot.
it was not like i was in a hurry to get home, mom wanted her shopping done but she can wait till tomorrow.... the main thing was i had a headache toward the end and i was just too tired at that point... i am sure i was a wet blanket... and i am sorry about that...

finished watching fever pitch, it was a cute movie.
still nothing from new patrick, but i dont expect anything... nothing from ray or joe either... that i kind of expected something.... i think in the end.. ray will be only out for sex and joe will be too shy or unable to make a decision like frank was.

the professor emailed me asking if i would like to come out to rhode island tomorrow and i said sure... good thing i gassed up today :)
will get mom's shopping done early tomorrow, pick josh up at 10 and will be available after 10:30 for him.... if i dont hear from him by then i will call though... he wrote saying he was in a golf tournament this afternoon and would call tonight or early tomorrow... so i hope he does call.
he is really nice, i hope he is not too nice for me.... who knows if he will be what i am looking for... who knows if what i am looking for even exists.

we spoke the other day and it was very easy to talk to him. he is not hilariously funny like scott and new patrick were on the first phone call.... he is real.
just real.
what is it about me, about us, that makes us want to believe what these strangers have to say? why do i think that he is sincere? i have not even met him in person and i tend to believe what these match.com men have to say. i dont instinctively think they are lying to get me to bed, i dont think they are all players, i listen to what they have to say and i take it to heart.... is that just me? is that just the nature of the beast that we call match.com?
i dont know anything about this man... i dont know anything about any of them....

my first connection with him is that he is and english professor... that to me translates to WORDS.
i am all about words. lyrics. poetry.
lets see if that connection goes anywhere...

limbo

another day here in my crazy mixed up life
it is 7 and i am getting ready to go get my hair cut.... thank god!
then i will try to get a mani/pedi, then i will shop for old patrick, then i will get josh and bring him camping, then i will go to meet old patrick for the ride out to torrington for his b-day dinner.... busy non-stop day for me.
good
that keeps my mind of other things
i have to go feed the dog and let her out and remember to take my vitamins... i have been forgetting to take them lately.
i feel as though i am in limbo again... new patrick out the window till next week, the professor i might get to meet tomorrow if he comes back from the shore, the other two with my number and waiting to see if they call, limbo....
so off i go... will write later when the busy day slows down...

too tired to write

so right now i am feeling good.... have some positive feedback and i am not sitting around waiting for new patrick to call me. i know i wont hear from him till tuesday... i am sure of it.
it is apparent to me that i have no priority in his life whatsoever.
getting a haircut tomorrow cant wait
gonna try for a mani/pedi too.. it has been a while.
old patrick's party tomorrow afternoon, josh is camping with the cubbies
and maybe will see the professor on sunday...
the other two have my number, we shall see if they are too chicken shit to call. Ha!

360

this online dating crap is for the birds.
what it is about me that makes people go away?
NOTHING that is what.....
so 9ers is on an IM with me and walks away.... his computer went idle.... so very odd
and the professor and another guy that i have been emailing with are online and they are not writing back to me... aparently busy with someone else.....
one minute i think i have all these prospects and then the next it all dwindles down to nothing again.
what the hell happened to just meeting someone and dating them... this whole online thing is still very foreign to me. i suppose i might get used to it eventually.
about to go to jean's house to hang out for the evening, it is kevins b-day (17) and she needs to chaperone. M might stop by..... another downer for me.... i dont need to be reminded how non-wonderful i am.
---------
the professor just called, seems really nice, really smart..... 9ers said my im got blocked, i told him to call me, and joe from enfield said he would be in and out with the kids this weekend but would try to catch up later... he does not have my number yet.
----------
my head just spins at this crap..... just spins!

driving day

ok so i did not write again last night.... i was tired!
no call from new patrick.. or email... big surprise huh?
my guess is that i wont hear from him until he 1) reads my email or 2) monday or tuesday rolls around....

out of the 7 i contacted the other day there is still one that did not sign on yet... the professor and 9ers i dont think have signed back on since i gave them my number....
i contacted 4 others too... i figure if the ratio is 2 out of 7 and my memberships end on 7-29 i better keep the connections going so that i have a few started by the time it ends...
there is this one guy, average looking, kinda cute from enfield who has looked at me a few times so i just contacted him out of the blue.... that one worked so far.
then there were a few that i just stumbled across... i dont think they come up on my matches because under kids it says 'not sure' but if they are in their mid 40's and dont have them yet... nobody wants a baby in their mid 40's... not nobody, not no how... (i stole that from jean :)

so we will see how it goes with this 'batch'.... argh!

i have to drive to worcester today for court.. just realized that i dont think i can bring my cell phone into the court so i have no idea how i will call for a ride when i am done!
and the back of my truck bed is filled to the brim with loose pvc fittings :)

have to leave around 6:30 to make sure i get there in enough time for court at 9.... have to figure on traffic..... again i say argh!

hmmmm

so i have my number out to two new people and here i sit waiting.... i HATE WAITING

i am getting better at this... i am not nearly as fragile as i used to be....
i will treat new patrick the same as i have been... i see him so infrequently and talk to him so infrequently that if i dated someone else it would never interfere.
he is currently on a plane back to bradley as we speak and it lands at 9:15, cause i am nancy drew and i can find these things out.
and the professor has my number but i dont know if he will call, or even see my email that i gave him my number in till tomorrow....
and fanofthe9ers has my number too but he works 3rd shift and is most likely sleeping right now.

hmmmmm

going for a beer with old patrick at chili's
write later i am sure

noon rant

ok with lots of feedback from my friends i think i see more clearly where i am headed.
out of 7 people contacted.... i have two (1 has not replied at all) (1 said thanks but already has someone) and (3 looked and did not reply... fuck 'em)

the professor and a guy from enfield.... and non existent patrick....
ok so i guess i am back in the pool... the dating pool.... treading water, you know how much i hate to tread water....
if nothing comes of the professor and the guy from enfield.... i will have to put myself out there and contact more people... argh!

i am getting tired of all of this.... i really think the person i am looking for does not exist. i was spoiled with pete and now i am tainted to think that someone else might be out there like that.... and apparently there is no one like that.

luckily i have great friends who put up with me, and i do mean put up with me... because if i were them i would be sick to death of me by now! they are saints... you know who you are!!!
and i have my family to keep me busy all the time.
i am trying to spend time with josh now before he disappears for the summer.... but we still argue all the time.
i am getting sick of that too but i know i have years of that ahead of me.

thurs am

it all seems like such a bother
why do i bother at all?

i am a good person, i do the right things, i take care of josh and our little family just fine.
i have great friends who support me all the time.

old patrick says i should be done with new patrick because i will never be happy i will always be wanting more than what he can give me.... and he may be right, but i feel like i have not had enough time to let new patrick know what i need. ever since the day i blurted out those things, i never ever mention anything about 'the future' to him... but now it is time, i need to know what he is looking for and what he is able and willing to give... naturally i wont say it like that but i will find out. but i may not find out for another week!

he never read my email or called last night... so when i went to bed at 10:45 i sent a text that said 'hey there, hope you are doing well, read your email!'
now we will see if he reads it before he gets on the plane and replies in some sort of way.
my guess is no.... he will probably read it tonight after he gets home at around 11pm and then he gets his kids friday night.
my email mentions hooking up with him when his plane lands and if not maybe i can cook him dinner next week for his birthday (belated cause it is on sunday). it also mentions that josh is away next weekend and i would love to actually do something with him in the daylight before he gets sleepy!
we shall see what happens.... but i can pretty much guess what will happen....
not enough for me!

i put myself out there again and contacted 7 people.... 7.... we shall see what it provides for me.... probably a whole lot of nothing... if they have looked at me and passed it by.... there must be a reason, right?

it would not be so discouraging if new patrick did not come up in every single one of my searches. i cant tell if he is being standoffish because that is the way he is in relationships, or if he does not want to get too close because he is not ready to cancel his membership in case someone better comes along, or if he is just not that interested and this is as much as he is willing to give to me.

the whole theory of match.com is basically out the window... it only helps me with age, location, non smokers, who dont want more kids....... although those are big things, they are not everything.
you can talk all you want about how you are in a relationship and what you want in a woman... but if you are antisocial or non committal or afraid of pda..... that stuff is not going to come out in your profile. after that initial contact it is all up to me to find out what is really going on.... it is so much work but i guess in the end i may discover the right one for me... or be completely disgusted.

oh i dont even know anymore

i know i like new patrick... but i emailed him and he did not sign on to his email today... and did not call either.... i cant figure him out... i cant tell if he really likes me and just does not know how to show it... or what?

i emailed more people today... just to see if i get any reactions.... probably not... but worth a try... have to use it before it is gone on 7-29!

all i know is i am on the verge of crying... i am so sick on not having a special someone in my life that i can lean on or someone who is crazy about me.
i mean pete was not something to judge by because he was totally into me and had tons of time on his hands to call me 24/7 and pay attention to me. so that is what i want back but i cant get that because it was unrealistic!

but i do want someone who is noticeably into me.
is that so much to ask really? i dont think so!

new day new feeling

so today i am obviously feeling better about things.... now i just have to be able to hook up with him soon so i can ask my burning questions about where this might be going and if i have a chance, bla bla bla.
i will try to get together with him when he flies back in on thursday night but if not... it wont be till next week.

i really like him and hope that this can continue on to something meaningful and long lasting... but if not.... i want to find out sooner than later.
like i said, my gut instinct is that he does really like me and he is guarded about showing his feelings.

i got a contact email from someone on match this morning, a professor ... i think my lack of punctuation and capital letters will drive him nuts. but i wrote back anyway... i was honest that i was already seeing someone from match and i am not a good juggler but i saw no reason to make a new friend. we will see if my punctuation scared him away!

josh slept on the sofa last night and i have not been down the stairs yet today to see how he made out with that.
he is going to go camping with the cubs this weekend, that will be good for him.
i will keep busy with jean and old patrick and hopefully will see new patrick next week a couple times.

bedtime

ok he called
he is in st louis on business and wanted to apologize for not calling, did not get my message until this morning in his hotel room.
he is looking forward to seeing me again
he is back thursday night and then he has his kids this weekend... he said he will call when he has a break.... i am assuming that means tomorrow evening.

i said i cant wait to actually do something with him, he agreed and said he will come up with a plan.

still dont know what to make of it all..... i just think he is the kind of guy who does not express how he feels about me verbally too often... but he does enjoy me.

no i have no idea why he did not tell me he was travelling this week.... i think it was because he was more than half asleep when he said we would get together monday or tuesday...

again i say i have no reason to disbelieve anything he has to say. it is all still so new.
i can only go by his character and he seems genuine to me.

i will keep going with this day to day and hopefully the next time i am with him i can get some sort of idea what is up.
the fact that i got a call on the road means something to me.....

jean asked if he was going to be gone a month and loose his voice too..... i certainly hope NOT!

noon rant

i know no one close to me has really read this blog today because i know at least two people who would say NO... DONT CALL EEYORE
but they have not :)))

so it is lunch time and no call yet, but i dont expect one really.... it is so unlike him to not call at all... so i am still hoping that he will at least call to apologize for not calling previously.

but i am not holding my breath.... people die holding their breath in situations like these.

got a random text from mike b today, i think my phone is possessed, but we chatted for a few minutes, his new job is good but confusing. i told him we miss him here.

josh is on his first day of summer vacation and i can tell we are already off to a rocky start.

if mommy does not get a decent boyfriend soon, she is gonna be really grumpy.... i can tell you that much for sure! i am ok during the day and when i have stuff to do but in the evenings, when it would be so nice to just sit with someone special and talk or watch a movie or just be there together.... those are the times that are hardest for me.

new tuesday

good morning.
needless to say i had a restless sleep from about 3:30 on
i try not to let these things bother me but they do.... but really i am MUCH better than in the past.
right now i am more irked that i may have to start this all over again.
granted he might call me today and apologize for not calling, he was tired, his mom called, bla bla bla... but the other side of that coin is that he never calls... which would not fit his personality at all.
and also if it is a case that he really is not that 'into' me, i was fooled by his actions to think that he was 'into' me..... again a case for a possible apology call today or tomorrow.

i am feeling very much like an empowered person, and i am not feeling like i need to contact him again right away.
this is on him.
now we all know me... the week will not end without another call or text from me.... but today i am feeling good about not calling or texting... at least i am good about it right now... who knows what the evening will bring.

if i have to start this all over again... it will be very discouraging.
but i guess that is what people do.... try others on until you find the one that fits right.
i am just tired of it.
i am tired of people not just liking me. the rejection, the scrutiny, the testing the waters.
the past relationships i just fell into... granted the were not be all end all relationships.... there were flaws with all of them. but i did not have to try, they just landed in my lap.

all this trying so hard is getting on my nerves. what is so wrong with me, my personality, that new patrick is not drawn to me.... and who knows maybe he is and he is so stand offish about showing how he feels, i just cant tell!

i want another date with him to tell him that i have no idea how he is feeling about me, and please give me a clue.

i really want to call eeyore, that connection was so obvious it had sparks flying out of it.... but i wont.... at least not now.... i will lay back and wait to see what happens with patrick. and if it does not work out, i will ......try.... again..... argh!

everything with patrick is so comfortable and seems so right..... i have no indication at all that he wants to stop seeing me.... maybe something came up and he just could not call, or i called so early in the day that by the end of the day he forgot, or maybe he had one of his kids games and was not able to call.... any of these reasons could be true and like i said, i have no indication that anything is wrong between us at all..... so i guess .... i wait.

no call no harm no foul???

so i suppose some people would say 'he didn't call you back, that was rude'
others might suggest that he was busy or under the weather and was not able to call
others might suggest that maybe he is just not that 'into me' and i was not in the forefront of his mind and he forgot to call me
even others still might suggest that maybe he was out on a date and did not call.

and really i just dont even care.

i care that i let him borrow our Narnia dvd to watch with his kids and i want it back if he is trying to dump me
i care that it would have been considerate to just call and say he could not make it, even if he was going on another date, he could have lied and said he was tired and going to bed.
and i care that if he is avoiding me, that means i am going to have to start.... all .....over..... again argh! and i really like new patrick!!

and most of all i care because i still want someone who thinks about me all the time and wants to call me and see me and text me and email me... not necessarily all those things but a few would be good.

i do care that i am not nearly as upset about this as i would have been a few weeks ago
i care that i think i am getting to be ok in my own skin

i think that honestly he likes me but i think he is waiting to see if someone better comes along.... and if that is the case then i am not the one for him.
i have no proof of this,... i just have a feeling.

or maybe he is totally into me and he just does not show it the way i would prefer... which also sucks cause hello... i would love to have some sort of positive reinforcement here.

again my head goes back to the connection i had with scott from yahoo.... it was instant... it was fun and consuming... it was what i wanted.... and then it went away....

why does that happen? why am i put thru good that leads to bad? why am i put thru mediocre that leads to bad? why is there never just good... or dare i even say it.... great... mutual great... not just great on my end..... again i say argh!

pork

so i am actually brooding about something.... new patrick is not a 'sharer' and i have no idea how much he likes me....
i made pulled pork in the crockpot today so i left him a voicemail at around 1:15 when i was coming back from lunch telling him that i made it and if he would like some for dinner just let me know. told him i was thinking about him and hoped to hear from him soon.

it is 7:24 and no call yet.... like i told jean he probably wont ignore me completely but will call when it is too late to come over.... not on purpose.... that is just the way i think it will happen.

i just want more chances to be with him to see how he feels. i know how i feel about him... and i am pretty sure he likes me, but i would love more chances to figure him out.

all i know is i am not pissed that he has not called yet... because he took friday off and maybe he is working late.... there could be any number of reasons, legitimate reasons why i have not heard from him.

the important part here is that i am ok with it.
i could not say this about 2 weeks ago.... i see that i am finally growing.

monday

ok so this blog is like an addiction to me... i just have to write... several times a day apparently :)

monday am, apprehensive about work with the boss' mom situation, i think if anything happened over the weekend someone would have told me about it... i would hope...

last day of school for josh, after school he is going to ben's house to have a pool party.... i have to get him at 5 for his appointment with dan.

the last time new patrick and i spoke we talked about getting together monday or tuesday... monday is better for me, because of scouts, so who knows what will happen.
i did send him a text yesterday around 11am that said 'good morning, happy fathers day, enjoy your day with the boys'
cause that's how i roll... i did not hesitate at all this time, because if a friendly text like that is too much, then i am apparently too much as well.
so i just sent it away, out into space and did not worry or think twice or second guess myself at all. i thought so little of it, i forgot to blog about it yesterday!

there is a sort of peace that is inside me lately (yesterday and today) i cant explain it. just sort of calm, to go thru my day, not worry about new patrick at all, call when i feel like it later, let the chips fall where they may. devil may care attitude.... well maybe not all that, but i feel that if there is a connection there with him, and there may be ...it is hard to tell, then what i do at this point (post saying those things after jean's party) really is not a problem. if there is a connection, i will find out soon enough.
i want there to be one, but i certainly dont want to go thru 2 months of this hanging out to have there not be a connection.
so i guess my attitude was bound to change.
i like him alot and i am very very comfortable with him, and he with me... but i am waiting for the love connection i guess, something to show that he might be more into me than i can see with the naked eye.

i think i am holding myself off from feeling more, until i see it from him... like i said yesterday, more guarded after how i felt about scott so quickly... but guarded is a good thing.

maybe this slow and steady wins the race thing has some merit after all.

thinking again

well so far so good, no tears, and no fighting... much....
we went to stafford and saw scott's grave then he called grampa art and grampa jerry and talked to grammy jeanne too for a while.
we went to lunch at smokey bones and it was delicious... we shared desserts too... evil evil smokey bones!!
then we went to hartford to cedar hill where my dad is... we went to see him and then we drove thru the whole place looking at monuments then when we were about done we realized that we did not find katherine hepburn or samuel colt so we went to the front and got the maps and then went back in to find them. we got out and walked thru and looked at the little family mausoleums and obelisks and celtic crosses.... i love that stuff and thankfully josh likes it too. i found this out a few years ago when i finally got to go to the really old cemetery in provincetown.... scott never wanted to go to it but the first year we went without him, josh and i walked thru it and took pictures of old stones.... i love the history in cemeteries.

i told josh that i am afraid that when he comes home at the end of this summer that he wont want anything to do with me... he told me that was not true but i know how teenage boys can get... i think this is the year i will loose him until he is an adult... this is the year that things will get really tough for me being a single mother.

i wonder what it is that i might want for my future. my relationship, not near future... more like what i want for myself down the road... when josh is gone to college and grow up.
i hope that i will be ok by myself if i never find anyone who 'fits' with me again. i hope that i am ok dating and living alone.
my ideal situation would be to find someone who loves me and wants to be with me, someone who is looking for 'the one' and i would be 'the one'.... and likewise i want to feel the same way about this person... but going thru these last few years and particularly the last few months i see that this may or may not ever happen.

i used to always say i never want to get married again... but now i think if i found someone i just knew was right... i might consider it.
i know that any type of situation like this is so far in my future that i dont have to worry about things like this right now.
right now i worry about day to day paying bills and getting josh where he needs to go and getting him to accomplish the things he needs to accomplish. play his instruments and progress with them.... so he can get a scholarship when it comes time.

i like having someone interested in me, emotionally, physically, all the good stuff... but i have yet to 'fall'. i fell for pete and i never thought i would... and i never thought he would fall for me either. i guess i would love to feel that falling feeling again. but i know that stuff does not grow on trees, i know that the real thing has to come when it is ready.

until that time i need to be ok being me, single mom from windsor, works full time, takes care of her mom, has some great friends that i get to see when i am lucky.
apparently i have time on my hands today if i am stopping to write all this at 4:16 in the afternoon. josh is out discussing something with the neighbor about fixing something on his jetski.... fluffy is sleeping and i am up here typing away.
i have been thinking about scott from yahoo personals today.
why did that feel so right and it was apparently so wrong?
we met and talked like we knew each other forever. when we finally met face to face it was like he fell for me, and i felt very close to him too, and then it all fell apart because he was eeyore and nothing ever went right for him.
how could that have been so deceiving for me? what kind of lesson was god teaching me there?

and with new patrick, everything is so comfortable but i dont feel any sign of love, just very comfortable friendship and physical attraction.... maybe he is a 'closed' type of person and it will take time to open up to me emotionally... maybe he has been hurt so he keeps guarded.
and maybe i am more guarded as well after scott, maybe i am open to what is out there but guarding my heart this time more closely.

there is so much to think about and really nothing to do about it all.
just be myself, do what i need to do for myself, show that i am interested, and see what the universe has to show me.

fathers day

ok so today is Fathers day.... it is not a happy day in our family.
the two fathers we have left are ex fathers in law and ex step fathers in law.... i do love them both but we rarely see either of them.... maybe twice a year.
i am going to get josh and go to lunch/brunch somewhere around 11 and then we will head to stafford to his fathers grave site. it is not raining yet today as far as i can tell but it is still wet out from yesterday's rain.... so we wont be able to sit at the cemeteries.
josh may want to bring flowers, i am not sure... i know we can leave them at scott's grave but there are all sorts of rules at my fathers cemetery so i am not sure if we can leave flowers there or not.
we will go to Scott's grave and spend some time and then swing by grampa art's house and leave him a card and then we will go to hartford for my dad's grave then maybe by that time josh can try to give grampa jerry a call on the phone....
this is going to be a road trip of sorts because stafford and hartford are not near each other. i wish the sun was out.

going to send a text to new patrick shortly saying happy fathers day... cause that is how i roll...
in the old days i would have sent one to any father i know, but there are a few fathers i have no interest in talking to anymore, so patrick is the only one who gets a text today.

i am looking around my space and feeling disheveled. not that things are messier than usual.... i am just feeling like i am not totally with it today. like i am not in a good place today... physically i am fine, and my mental state is probably the best it has been in weeks, but i think it is because we have to deal with death on a day like today, i think this is why i am feeling disheveled.... in my head.

gathering thoughts enough to write them down here.... i feel as though every word i write does not make sense, even thought it apparently does....
i am going to go take a shower and see if i can clear the cobwebs.
i feel we are on the verge of a very odd summer.... with josh away so much i am going to miss him, and i am going to have tons of time on my hands.... i feel like i need to hold josh close today... for fear he will slip away and i wont ever see the kid he is today again... by then end of this summer he will be a totally brooding teenager who will want to have nothing to do with me, today he is still a kid and he still loves me.... i feel by the end of the summer he will still love me but he will be so different, i will feel even more alone than i do now.

i think this is why i dont mind just sitting watching a movie with new patrick... this is the stuff my life is missing... just sitting with someone, having conversation, holding hands, maybe a kiss once in a while, it is a bonding that i need and want and that is why just sitting there doing nothing exciting is very comforting to me.
maybe it wont work out with him, it remains to be seen, still so new, and there is so much more to talk about with him.... it could very well be that in a month he might say that he is looking for more than what i can offer, or someone different, or anything like that.
or i might decide that i need more... you never know.... all i know is i am in a good place about it all right now.
i am growing in all of this.... 'processing'.... i am getting to know myself better, what i need and want, what i am capable of doing on my own. i am woman hear me roar kind of thing... i really can do anything i set my mind to. and i am ok with who i am, with or without a boyfriend.
and i know in my heart that when it is right i will be able to tell.... better than i have been able to tell in the past at least. because i can certainly tell when it is wrong... i have had a few of those recently too.
i am ok with the way things are right now. today. this minute. and that is all that matters. this minute.

midnite

so here i am writing in the middle of the night again.... i had a good day, i was with friends and i felt full... full of what i need to get thru the day.... full of company and compassion.... full of beer and food....
thank you to gloria and old patrick
i enjoyed 'juno' with gloria, twice, but mostly i enjoyed her company and words of encouragement.
i enjoyed dinner with old patrick and conversation, it was nice not to be left completely alone.....

they say that the things you need sometimes just come to you... after a very hot and discouraging trip to the storage space, i was able to sell some silver so that i am no longer broke.
then out of the blue gloria called me to meet her at mondazzi's.... then we made a plan to watch juno.... it was a great girls afternoon and i was just thinking of her about an hour before she called, i figured that she would be busy with her family so i did not call her myself.

after that i was hungry and i texted old patrick to see what he was up to and we decided to have dinner together.... we always have constant conversation about a million different topics.

then i watched a movie... i am loving movies lately.... then i wrote to sharyn on calebs blog and now i write to you.... and i will curl up in bed with my 10 books i bought today and drift off to sleep with words surrounding me....

today i did not worry one bit.... today i am at peace... today i am patient, and confident!!!
and freakin breezy!