what the hell is wrong with me

i want to cry

i
want
to
cry

was i fooled?
did everything that happened sunday, stay on sunday and not travel to monday and tuesday?
what the hell am i doing?
why am i bothering?
on sunday the things he said made me want to cry with joy
today the lack of his words makes me want to cry with loss

so i am back to square one again? is that how it is this time around again?
sure, he has careers that would keep him busy and working late.... but call me back for god sake.
how the hell hard is that?

i know, i know, he might call in 10 minutes and i will feel like a fool....
but i would rather feel the fool in that situation than feel how i am feeling now.
i was sure that when i got out of the picnic that there would be a missed call and voicemail from him.... but there wasn't

no email
and he is online on match
either writing to me or ignoring?
i hate this.
was he lying to me? was i fooled to think that he is a normal man who might actually mean what he says?
or am i just freaking out and he is busy and will call me tomorrow.
maybe if he was not online on match right now i might not be freaking out so much. i hurt inside, i hurt because i thought this was something great.
--------------
he sent an email... very short.... nothing personal in it.... said work was busy and no time to chat....
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maybe i was fooled
maybe i dont trust anyone anymore
maybe i am mad at myself for thinking this was real.

i wrote back a touch deeper than what he wrote.... if i get no response again or an impersonal response.... i will know where i stand with this one too.
and if that is the case
i am giving up!
seriously giving up.
if what i felt on sunday was not REAL then i dont want anything at all.