thurs am

it all seems like such a bother
why do i bother at all?

i am a good person, i do the right things, i take care of josh and our little family just fine.
i have great friends who support me all the time.

old patrick says i should be done with new patrick because i will never be happy i will always be wanting more than what he can give me.... and he may be right, but i feel like i have not had enough time to let new patrick know what i need. ever since the day i blurted out those things, i never ever mention anything about 'the future' to him... but now it is time, i need to know what he is looking for and what he is able and willing to give... naturally i wont say it like that but i will find out. but i may not find out for another week!

he never read my email or called last night... so when i went to bed at 10:45 i sent a text that said 'hey there, hope you are doing well, read your email!'
now we will see if he reads it before he gets on the plane and replies in some sort of way.
my guess is no.... he will probably read it tonight after he gets home at around 11pm and then he gets his kids friday night.
my email mentions hooking up with him when his plane lands and if not maybe i can cook him dinner next week for his birthday (belated cause it is on sunday). it also mentions that josh is away next weekend and i would love to actually do something with him in the daylight before he gets sleepy!
we shall see what happens.... but i can pretty much guess what will happen....
not enough for me!

i put myself out there again and contacted 7 people.... 7.... we shall see what it provides for me.... probably a whole lot of nothing... if they have looked at me and passed it by.... there must be a reason, right?

it would not be so discouraging if new patrick did not come up in every single one of my searches. i cant tell if he is being standoffish because that is the way he is in relationships, or if he does not want to get too close because he is not ready to cancel his membership in case someone better comes along, or if he is just not that interested and this is as much as he is willing to give to me.

the whole theory of match.com is basically out the window... it only helps me with age, location, non smokers, who dont want more kids....... although those are big things, they are not everything.
you can talk all you want about how you are in a relationship and what you want in a woman... but if you are antisocial or non committal or afraid of pda..... that stuff is not going to come out in your profile. after that initial contact it is all up to me to find out what is really going on.... it is so much work but i guess in the end i may discover the right one for me... or be completely disgusted.