again

me again
so i have not called yet.... dont know if i should be happy or sad or proud or angry at myself.... just been keeping busy all day. this is a good thing.... i spent money i did not have. saw a movie, prince caspian... it was quite good. a war movie for all ages :)
josh got mad at me and told me he hated me.... has not done that in a really long time... last time he did he apologized... this time he did not.
i know it is his age... but it is getting really hard for me to be both mom and dad.... and i know that he would be better off (maybe not better behaved but better off) with a man in his life.... i went to the cemetery where my dad is buried... spent some time there under the copper beech tree. 1999. that is when he passed away... 2 days before my birthday.... i remember it like it was yesterday... i remember the sadness and anger i had in my heart that day.... josh was 4. i cried today for the first time in a while... i needed to do it.
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the breeze through the leaves
of the copper beech tree
rustles the leaves and lifts the branches
high
the breeze cools my face on this hot day
it lifts my spirit just a little bit
it lifts me up so that i think
that if there were more
more breeze
more wind
that i might lift off the ground into the heavens
but it does not
i am here
rooted like the great big copper beech tree
that i stand under
my head is swimming
groggy with thought
i feel as though the sun shining through
the leaves of the tree
is shining right into my head,
my soul,
my heart
telling me that it will be ok
i sit on the marble monument of
another family gone by
looking up at the leaves
rustle in the the breeze
and the sun sparkling behind them
hoping that everything will be ok
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i cried because i miss my dad, and because i miss love in my life, and because i sometimes seem too fragile for this dating scene.... alot of my friends who are married tell me that they do not envy me at all having to go thru all of this.... the judgement, the wondering, the learning to trust someone new with your heart.... and the fun fun diseases you can get now too.....
so i am going to get settled, cool down a bit and call... i have to have my breezy voicemail message ready so i dont sound nerdy or desperate or anything like that.
and i just have to realize that if he does not call back, that is life.... but i think he will, just maybe not today.... i hope he does... up until i opened my big mouth everything was going really well.... at least i thought it was.

question..... what happens to the limes in the corona bottles when it is time to recycle them?